January 8, 1991
Top 10 Signs that Your Bank Is Failing
10. Free handful of Cheetos with every new account.
9. They hand out calendars one month at a time.
8. Security guard offers to walk you back to your office for five
bucks.
7. Overhear branch manager muttering to himself, "I wonder if you can
eat squirrel?"
6. Free giveaway toaster is made by G.E.
5. Automatic teller machine replaced by fat guy with carton of
twenties.
4. You glimpse inside the vault and notice it's stacked with empty
soda bottles.
3. You deposit cash; an officer runs over, sticks it in his pocket,
and dances around yelling, "Lordy, we're having biscuits tonight!"
2. You recognize some of the tellers as carnival people.
1. They can't change a twenty.
January 31, 1991
Top 10 Reasons Eastern Airlines Went Bankrupt
10. Lavish keep-the-whole-can-of-soda policy.
9. Bad timing for new "Baghdad Fun-in-the-Sun" promotion.
8. Spent small fortune at crew lounges sending cocktails to Northwest
pilots.
7. Shouldn't have copied Domino's Pizza campaign: "If you're not
there in 30 minutes -- the flight's free!"
6. Insane policy of hiring MIT physicists just to make sure the
dessert squares were perfectly square.
5. You think it doesn't cost money to falsify safety records?
4. Could've saved money on jumbo economy-size containers of jet fuel
instead of impulsively buying little cans of it at corner
convenience store.
3. Huge wallet where they kept their money stolen during recent trip
to New York.
2. Baggage handler Walter F. Collins of 1411 Hillturn Lane,
Cincinnati, Ohio, who, damn it, just didn't hustle.
1. You try giving away free bags of peanuts year after year after
year!
February 14, 1991
Top 10 Signs You're in Love with Secretary of Transportation
Samuel K. Skinner
10. You read nine newspapers a day in hopes of seeing his name.
9. You believe his speeches to gatherings of civil engineers are
filled with secret messages to you.
8. You hate the other cabinet members for holding him back.
7. In your new wallet, where it says, "In case of emergency please
notify," you've filled in "Samuel K. Skinner."
6. Whenever you hear someone say, "Man, the bus is late again," the
next thing you know, you're in a fist fight.
5. You've put posters of him up right over your old posters of former
Transportation Secretary James Burnley.
4. When you're a contestant on Jeopardy, no matter what the category
or answer is, you always hit the buzzer and say, "Who is Samuel K.
Skinner?"
3. You keep breaking into his house claiming to be Mrs. Skinner.
2. You drive 55, hoping he'll notice.
1. You come to after being hit with a 2x4 and say, "Forget about me.
How's Samuel K. Skinner?"
February 27, 1991
Top 10 Things Overheard in Kuwait City
10. Hello, State Farm?
9. What's Don King doing here?
8. Cop Rock's been cancelled?
7. Who's frying goat?
6. Baby, I bet your face is too beautiful to hide behind that veil!
5. Sir, some of the other POW's are hogging the make-your-own-sundae
bar.
4. Hey everybody! It's paint-up, fix-up, spruce-up time!
3. This looks like a party at Phyllis Diller's place. [Bob Hope
only.]
2. Why are all the cab drivers here named Smith?
1. OK, considering the craters in the road, I'll give you 45 minutes
to get the pizza here.
March 13, 1991
Top 10 New Promotional Slogans for Sudafed
10. Sudafed: I dare you!
9. Comes in regular non-fatal and now new fatal!
8. Some of the same chemicals used by the Iraqi army.
7. Sudafed, it rhymes with dead!
6. Claus von Bulow liked it so much he bought the company!
5. Take a dance lesson with Arthur Murray.
4. If Shirley MacLaine is right, you've got nothing to worry about.
3. Sudafed, take me away!
2. If your not dead in 30 minutes -- the Sudafed's free!
1. No more food, no more folks, no more fun.
March 26, 1991
Top 10 Slogans for the World League of American Football
10. All our players have day jobs!
9. From the makers of "Cop Rock."
8. You might see some snotty European break something!
7. Tired of watching overpaid, well-known, highly gifted athletes?
6. C'mon! We're trying to get enough people together for a wave!
5. If you half-close your eyes, it sort of looks like arena football.
4. We're trying to get Paul Shaffer for a halftime show.
3. You can't spell "waffle" without W-L-A-F.
2. Because when somebody says "Barcelona," "London," or "Frankfurt"
-- you think football!
1. No Steinbrenner!
April 4, 1991
Top 10 Ways the World Would Be Different If Everyone Was Named
Phil
10. Almost impossible to get personal license plate "PHIL."
9. Ben & Jerry's ice cream now called Phil & Phil's.
8. Expectant parents could be heard saying "Phil if it's a boy and
Phil if it's a girl."
7. When caller to Donahue show said "Phil?" everyone in audience
would reply "Yes?"
6. 007 fans look forward to classic line, "Bond. Phil Bond."
5. Instead of screaming, "Watch where you're going, you stupid
bastard!" New Yorkers would scream, "Watch where you're going,
Phil, you stupid bastard!"
4. Some woman named Phil would keep breaking into my house.
3. Teenage pranksters would call airport and have them page "Phil
Hertz."
2. Wouldn't have to look in TV Guide to see who's on the "Tonight
Show."
1. Most popular Beatle? Phil.
May 1, 1991
Al Sharpton's Top 10 Travel Tips
10. To avoid overweight charges for luggage, wear as many of your
medallions as possible.
9. Don't forget the electrical adapter for your blow dryer.
8. All foreign food is good if you bring your own gravy.
7. Before making reservations, make sure hotel has fat guy suite.
6. If hair pomade is not available in Far East, duck sauce will work.
5. March on Buckingham Palace to protest fact that there hasn't been
a black king in years.
4. When in Venice, have them load up front end of gondola with sacks
of peat moss to balance you out.
3. If the Pope tries wearing some big medallion, go ahead and wear
two.
2. Be careful: in some countries, being loud and obnoxious is
considered rude.
1. Trust me: one jogging suit is all you'll need.
June 25, 1991
Top 10 Signs Sununu Is About To Be Fired
10. His desk has been moved out by the dumpster.
9. Only presidential meetings he can get is with Zachary Taylor.
8. White House paper boy asked if he could get his Christmas tip
early.
7. "I'm with Sununu" T-shirts removed from gift shop.
6. During meeting, Bush says, "I thought we fired your ass."
5. When introduced, Yeltsin said, "You the guy they're losing?"
4. In 1560, Nostradamus wrote, "A fat guy with a funny name will fly
free and get fired."
3. Jack Kemp said he could get him a tryout with the World League of
American Football.
2. Asked to appear on Donahue show about chiefs-of-staff who've been
fired.
1. Even Quayle won't give him the time of day.
July 11, 1991
Arnold Schwarzenegger's Top 10 Rejected Movie Lines
10. "My, what a lovely lace doily!"
9. "Oww! A papercut!"
8. "Man-oh-man, do I love fudge!"
7. "When I think about you, I touch myself."
6. "Do you have any of those 'ouch-less' Band-Aids?"
5. "Can you please open this jar of olives for me?"
4. "Time to make the doughnuts, you bastard!"
3. "Can you just let me keep my credit cards?"
2. "Help me, Letterman, help me!"
1. "Who else loves show tunes?"
July 24, 1991
Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Motel
10. Sheets are warm when you check in.
9. When you sign register they ask, "Anyone know you're here?"
8. Instead of "Sanitized for Your Protection," paper band on toilet
says "Good Luck."
7. Drinking glass is wrapped in a sock.
6. On the pay-per-view porno channel you recognize motel staff.
5. All night long people knock on your door claiming to have an
appointment with someone named Donna.
4. Clerk asks, "You folks mind dragonflies?"
3. Instead of a wake-up call, they give you a wake-up slap.
2. When you ask manager about Magic Fingers he says, "You're looking
at 'em."
1. Teeth marks in the soap.
September 26, 1991
Top 10 Signs You're Watching Too Much Television
10. You know the astrological signs of the three guys on Monday Night
Football.
9. Your kids are named Doogie, Oprah, and Geraldo.
8. You write angry letters to CNN asking why they cancelled that cool
Desert Storm show.
7. You keep pressing the mute button, but your dog's still barking.
6. You rented a tux to watch the "Cheers" anniversary show.
5. You miss every question on the SAT's except the one about
Matlock's pants.
4. Every time a talking car goes by, you're positive it's "Knight
Rider."
3. Nothing on God's green Earth pleases you more than the jovial
exchanges between Regis and Kathie Lee.
2. Whenever there's a problem, you wonder, "What would Goober do?"
1. You've seen Vanna wear the same thing twice.
October 3, 1991
Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Restaurant
10. After presenting food, waiter says, "Good luck."
9. The ASPCA has the kitchen staked out.
8. Guy stops by table to ask if you want your fork spit-shined.
7. You suddenly realize it's the water that's amber-colored, not the
glass.
6. Free range chickens wander around men's room.
5. You ask for a napkin and the waiter says, "Oh, who's Mister
Fancy?"
4. One of your burritos is a rolled-up Ace bandage.
3. The only thing French about the chef is the way he's kissing your
wife.
2. When you wake up, your date is gone.
1. They consider Saltines a pasta.
