January 10, 1990
Top 10 Defense Arguments of Noriega's Lawyers
10. Was loopy on Stridex fumes.
9. Desperate crush on Ted Koppel made him try anything to get on
8. Typographical error; thought he was selling "rugs."
7. Just following advice in book: "Stay in Power the Ceausescu Way."
6. You think it's easy supporting a wife, two kids, a mistress, and
hookers on a measly president's salary?
5. Traumatized in childhood by death of parents -- which he killed.
4. Was doing it all to impress Jodie Foster.
3. If his last name was Letterman he'd just get his drivers license
1. If a dictator can't run drugs, launder money, and torture
opponents, what kind of world are we living in?
January 30, 1990
Top 10 Second Half Cheers of Denver Bronco Fans
10. Hold 'em under a hundred!
9. More magazines!
8. All we need is 25 field goals!
7. Oh, for the sweet release of death!
6. Drug tests! Drug tests!
5. Dig-ni-tee! Dig-ni-tee! Leave us with our dig-ni-tee!
4. Hey! That big San Francisco guy was shoving!
3. Start the bus! Start the bus!
2. Two, four, six, eight . . . aw, screw it!
1. Wait 'til the Pro Bowl!
January 31, 1990
Top 10 Audience Lipstick Colors
10. Joan Taub, Canyon Rose.
9. Lissette Vega, Copper Glaze Sienna.
8. Elaine Kleiner, Red or Not.
7. Mary Manganelli, Rhubarb.
6. Anna Li, Mauvelous.
5. Sharon Daley, True Chocolate from Ultima II.
4. Louisa Meline, Sandalwood Beige.
3. Fred Orne, Blistex with Sunscreen (SPF 10).
2. Leonida Rodriguez, Mandarin.
1. Robin Melnick, All-Day Power Pink.
8th Anniversary Special - February 1, 1990
Top 10 Reasons To Keep Watching the Show
10. When you're not watching the show, we make fun of you.
9. You never know when I'll come out drunk and slug a cameraman.
8. You can sit there naked. We really don't care.
7. If our viewership falls off, little Snuggles the fabric softener
6. If you don't, Paul will have to go back to the Ice Capades.
5. To keep G.E. executives knee-deep in hookers and gin.
4. One of the killers we profile may be living next door to you.
3. The wall is down, Noriega is out, don't stop us now!
2. So you can say you were watching the night I was replaced by
1. Because, well, I'm no good at this kind of thing -- but damn it --
I love you!
February 21, 1990
Top 10 Provisions in the Bushs' Prenuptial Agreement
10. Barbara must remove heels before getting on water bed.
9. Even split of all Lotto winnings.
8. No tube tops -- except at amusement parks.
7. George will try not to spew pork rinds as he laughs like an idiot
at "I Dream of Jeannie."
6. During lovemaking, no jokes about cabinet positions.
5. In the event of divorce, 1,000 points of light to be divided
4. To once a year recreate first date by drinking six-pack behind the
3. In the event either becomes president, must pick vice president by
shutting eyes and picking name out of phone book.
2. For reasons too complicated to explain, Don King gets 10% off the
1. Don't come home from drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.
March 20, 1990
Top 10 Provisions in the New Baseball Contract
10. To avoid embarrassment, Fay Vincent will now go by the name of
9. For reasons too complicated to explain, the San Diego Chicken will
be put to sleep.
8. Permission to transmit or otherwise rebroadcast games now given by
7. Before TV revenues are divided up, Pete Rose will be given chance
to double them.
6. Strictly enforced "no tongue" rule for Morganna.
5. New expansion team made up of Steve Garvey's kids.
4. Rule change: team wins if you hit Steinbrenner with a foul ball.
3. All parties agree: Miller Lite is "less filling," does not "taste
2. On opening day at Yankee Stadium, Babe Ruth's last surviving
hooker will throw out first ball.
March 21, 1990
Top 10 Tips for Traveling Greyhound
9. Check to see if driver's name is "Hazelwood."
8. As a courtesy, allow passengers with flesh wounds to exit first.
7. Brand new drivers can be conned into dropping you off right at
your front door.
6. Before boarding bus, stick giant decal over Greyhound logo that
says, "Uncle Teddy's Bible Camp, Millersburg, Pennsylvania."
5. Please don't disturb Mr. Dukakis while he's driving.
4. Keep your trousers on. There is no such thing as a "bus nurse."
3. Maybe you could just walk to Scranton.
2. Strike or no strike, don't ever use the bus toilet.
1. Ride Greyhound -- and leave the driving to some drifter named
March 27, 1990
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Academy Awards
10. "Isn't that Meryl Streep with Bobby 'The Brain' Heenan?"
9. "Thanks to Jimmy Carter and his team of observers, the voting will
be fair for a change."
8. "Uh oh. The guys from Price Waterhouse are talking to Pete Rose."
7. "Yes, Mr. Ebert, I am gonna finish this sandwich."
6. "$100,000 Miss Tandy -- and all you have to do is say 'I'm going
to DisneyWorld.' "
5. "It's a crime they snubbed that 'Hey Vern!' guy again."
4. "Hey! Get your hand out of ... Oh, Mr. Beatty, so nice to meet
3. "Steinbrenner, even though he's not a member of the Academy,
2. "Hey look! The Little Mermaid is drunk!"
1. "I'm Dorothy Chandler -- I'm mad as hell and I want you all out of
my pavilion right now!"
April 24, 1990
Top 10 Things Overheard on Earth Day
10. "Hey! After the concert let's trash the place!"
9. "It's the greenhouse effect, officer. That's why I'm not wearing
8. "Who cares if it destroys the ozone? Thanks to aerosol I can spell
my name in cheese!"
7. "Just one more beer -- then I have to pilot a Northwest flight to
6. "Good news! June Allyson has switched to cloth diapers!"
5. "That's right, you get a nickel a can, Mr. Musburger."
4. "Burning tires is bad for the ecosystem -- but it adds a great
smokey flavor to ham."
3. "Steinbrenner, while not directly involved with these Earth Day
2. "Once this land belonged to the Indians.... That was before the
1. "The corn dogs were better at `Hands Across America.' "
May 24, 1990
Top 10 Business Tips from the President's Son
10. Demand two pieces of I.D. before loaning a guy $100 million.
9. Business cards should include name, address, and phrase "My Dad's
8. Read my lips: cheat on taxes.
7. Have old man call tactical nuclear strike on new bank across the
6. Ask Quayle if he has two 10's for a 5. Repeat until you are rich.
5. Suck up to Trump.
4. Slugs usually work in White House condom machines.
3. Remind reporters that unlike Ron Reagan, Jr., you never wore
leotards in your life.
2. Big Gulp is best value at 7-Eleven.
1. If accused of bank fraud, best defense is a simple and elegant
July 11, 1990
Top 10 Slogans for the 1992 Democratic Convention
10. OK, we're serious this time.
9. Guys stay free in Barney Frank's hotel room.
8. Get your picture taken in the Batmobile.
7. Watch the fun as Gerald Ford shows up by mistake.
6. One of our presidents dated Marilyn Monroe.
5. We're digging up Lyndon Johnson and running him again.
4. The JKF Jr. kissing booth will be there.
3. We're the party without Quayle.
2. We may date dippy blonds, drink excessively, and harbor at home
male prostitution rings, but we'd never lie about taxes, which by
the way, we plan to raise.
1. Just wait 'til '96!
July 13, 1990
Top 10 Punchlines to Dirty Jokes Astronauts Tell
10. "You call that Mission Control?"
9. "The Titan 2, the Saturn 5, and Cher's waterbed."
8. "Heat shields? I thought you said Brooke Shields!"
7. "30 seconds and holding -- and please keep holding!"
6. "Hey! Blame gravity!"
5. "I said Venus! Venus!"
4. "Who do I look like? Buzz Aldrin?"
3. "10, 9, 8, 7 -- oops!"
2. "It wasn't G-forces that killed that monkey."
1. "Gee, it tasted like Tang!"
July 31, 1990
Top 10 Good Things about George Steinbrenner
10. His pink slips have smiley faces on them.
9. Never considered hiring a guy in a chicken suit.
8. Exhales carbon dioxide, which is needed by plants.
7. Except for maybe six or seven times, never fired a manager on
6. Every day for the past 17 1/2 years, he has left flowers on the
grave of Babe Ruth's favorite hooker.
5. Always accepts charges on phone calls if you have damaging
information on a million dollar player.
4. Will eventually die and go to hell.
3. Isn't some foreigner from Canada who comes to this country, makes
tons of money every year as a TV bandleader, and then doesn't pay
one cent in taxes.
2. He personally blew up those inflatable bat souvenirs before each
1. His stepping out of the limelight and giving his son Hank a chance
August 9, 1990 [A video Top 10]
Top 10 Thoughts of Motorists
10. "What are you looking at?"
9. "Greyhound thinks I have a license."
8. "You guys aren't from America's Most Wanted, are you?"
7. "I'm an excellent driver."
6. "When you're a Northwest pilot, life is a nonstop party!"
5. "I'm cleaning my oven."
4. "Are those Bugle Boy jeans?"
3. "Hey! That's my car!"
2. "That's right, pal -- its a Cadillac."
1. "One day, you're the Emir of Kuwait, the next, you're delivering
September 28, 1990
Top 10 Perks of Being Saddam Hussein, Jr.
10. Can use poison gas on paper route customers who don't tip.
9. Can cash check without I.D. at Baghdad Winn-Dixie.
8. On your birthday, can have Abu Nidal dressed as clown drive
truck-bomb into cake.
7. Though completely unqualified, can get high-paying job with Iraqi
savings and loan.
6. Those madman-to-madman chats with Dad.
5. Can take a leak in the fountain at the mall.
4. Since he doesn't work for NBC, he's eligible to play McMillions
3. Can annoy celebrities, browbeat bandleader, and whine to audience
(perks of being David Letterman).
2. One phonecall from Dad gets you a safe cushy position with
1. When you turn 21, you get Kuwait.
October 3, 1990
Top 10 Ways Souter Celebrated His Confirmation
10. Smiled for a few seconds, then back to serious thoughts.
9. Bought Sandra Day O'Connor robe from Victoria's Secret.
8. Marched into judicial supply store and announced, "The gavels are
7. Cruised by Bork and Ginzberg's places with Aerosmith blasting.
6. Kicked Mom out of house. Had girl over.
5. Made paper hat out of U.S. Constitution, filled it with beer, put
4. Paid his college dope-smoking buddies rest of hush money.
3. Ate his usual cottage cheese lunch off the chest of a
2. Made prank call to guy who won the McMillions contest.
1. Gave a big wet kiss to Thurgood Marshall.
October 11, 1990
Top 10 20/20 Features Currently in Production
10. What Irving Berlin has been up to since he died.
9. A chat with a man on the B train who used to be President of the
8. Billy, Hitler's talking dog, who looks just like a person, but
he's a dog. Really.
7. The New Jersey Nets visit the White House.
6. Where is he now? Former Senator Dan Quayle.
5. The inventor of the telephone -- Norman Telephoneman.
4. A lady with two dinosaurs in her yard. No, wait -- did I say two?
It's three at least!
3. Fact checkers: never had 'em. Never will!
2. Shirley MacLaine says, "I was Buckwheat!"
1. A guy from Pluto.
October 25, 1990
Top 10 Signs You've Gone to a Bad Doctor
10. His office is on the D train.
9. Also promises to paint any car for $99.95.
8. Last name Mengele.
7. You're in what seems like a long tunnel and at the end is some
light and the beckoning forms of loved ones who passed on years
6. Giggles uncontrollably when he hears the word "penis."
5. Keeps asking, "Is somebody frying baloney?"
4. In middle of exam says, "Ever heard of a show called Totally
3. Diagnoses arterial swelling of thoraxic metatarsus as a lymphnodic
2. Frequently wonders if you're getting enough fudge in your diet.
1. After he asks you to cough, says, "OK, now my turn."