April 3, 1992
Top 10 Signs the Recession Is Ending
10. All of a sudden, people do want fries with that.
9. Liz Taylor planning even more lavish wedding in '93.
8. "Wheel of Fortune" contestants spending more for vowels.
7. Pillsbury Doughboy wearing expensive Armani suit.
6. Wilt Chamberlain offering free continental breakfast for overnight
5. Next December, one lucky G.E. employee will get a Christmas bonus.
4. People now buying, not just renting, suicide machine.
3. Regis once again handing out $20 bills on the street. (When you
see him, ask for yours!!)
2. Congressmen bouncing larger and larger checks.
1. Less sawdust in the Big Mac.
April 21, 1992
Top 10 Ways the Legal System Would Be Different
If Juries Were Made Up of 12 Bears
10. Bringing live salmon into courtroom would be considered jury
9. Waste basket in jury room would be constantly tipped over.
8. To prove insanity, defendant must turn down piece of grub-infested
7. Plain and simple: use a tranquilizer gun; go to jail.
6. John Gotti could fix trial by putting guy in bear suit on jury.
5. When put up in a hotel room, jury would have trouble dialing out.
4. For reasons too complicated to explain, Leona Helmsley would be a
3. Little girls who break and enter, then steal porridge would be
more likely to get the chair.
2. If sequestered too long, jury would tend to hibernate.
1. Punishment for every crime: foot in bear trap.
April 30, 1992
Top 10 Rejected Plots for the Final Episode of "The Cosby Show"
10. Cosby urges all the kids to drop out of school and become
9. After prosecuting Gotti, Clair gets whacked.
8. It turns out Dr. Huxtable has fathered over 100 children at his
7. Whole group settles down to view a tape of Ghost Dad.
6. Family learns that Cliff's colorful sweaters have given them
5. Rudy gets in trouble when she tells her father, "Jell-O sucks!"
4. Clair finds out about Cliff's second loving wife and family
3. Alien creature explodes from Theo's stomach and eats everyone.
2. Family watches hilarious double episode of "The Simpsons."
1. Thanks to the Skipper, they're finally rescued!
May 1, 1992
Top 10 Reasons Broadway Is Enjoying Its Best Season Ever
10. Orchestra pits filled with free shrimp.
9. Costume changes now take place in aisle.
8. Easy walk to Times Square to grab a post-theatre hooker.
7. Many dentists now suggest show tunes help prevent gum disease.
6. Wilt Chamberlain: The Musical.
5. Movies like Brenda Starr.
4. Revival of "Guys & Dolls" features singing and dancing of Mr. John
3. Audience now allowed to eat stuff they find on floor.
2. Lazy American actors replaced by hard-working Japanese actors.
1. Naked ushers.
June 17, 1992
Top 10 Repair Jobs Recommended by the Sears Automotive Department
10. Grease the ashtrays.
9. Carbonate the windshield wiper solution.
8. Hubcap emission test.
7. Rotate tires four times clockwise.
6. Replace fine transmission fluid we ordinarily use with Folgers
5. Install switch that makes car invisible to Connecticut state
troopers (gullible talk show hosts only).
4. Moisten the engine block.
3. Adjust side-view mirror so objects appear exactly the right size.
2. Tint the pistons.
1. Add a redwood deck.
June 18, 1992
Boris Yeltsin's Top 10 Faux Pas in Washington
10. Repeatedly asking where he can go to get "hammered and sickled."
9. After signing arms pact, kissing President Bush square on the
8. During state dinner, screaming, "You call this Russian dressing?!"
7. Accidentally calling senator from Massachusetts "Tubby Kennedy."
6. Weeping like an infant when he was informed Big Bird was just a
guy in a su it.
5. On tour of White House, asking to see rooms where Jack Kennedy
nailed Maril yn.
4. Constantly shouting "Feed me!" at top of his lungs.
3. Laughing hysterically when Bush suggested they meet again in '94.
2. Hugging Quayle a little too long.
1. Kept calling Barbara "General Schwarzkopf."
June 23, 1992
Top 10 Olympic Sports on NBC's Pay-Per-View Triplecast
10. Blindfolded fencing.
9. Equestrian synchronized swimming.
8. Drunken yacht races.
7. Charades in pajamas.
6. Endurance squatting.
5. Apartment hunting.
4. Perpetually upside-down kayaks.
3. Speed-walking with a bad rash.
2. Uneven parallel bars for guys with uneven arms.
1. Rhythmic blinking.
June 24, 1992
Top 10 Things Perot Found Out About the Bush Family
10. George ran over first wife with riding mower.
9. Even at the White House, whole family sleeps inside R.V. in
8. Use tax dollars to send out for Chinese food.
7. At home, they all speak with thick Mexican accents.
6. Naked George Bush often "surprised" by tour groups.
5. Neil Bush is hooked on phonics.
4. Like most Americans, the First Family still hasn't signed up for
NBC's Olym pic Triplecast.
3. Barbara is thinking of voting for Perot.
2. Japanese have them on the payroll just to screw things up.
1. Quayle was Millie's suggestion.
June 25, 1992
Top 10 Surprises in the U.N. Sex Study
10. Of the 100 million acts of love daily, most occur in Bill
Clinton's campaign van.
9. Paulina Porizkova actually sleeps with Ric Ocasek.
8. When reaching sexual climax, 45% of women shout the word, "Ebert."
7. Instead of the stork, children in Malaysia are told babies are
brought by Dick Enberg.
6. 65 million times a day someone says, "I'll call you."
5. Only 36% of electricians actually do make betters lovers.
4. It wouldn't kill Warren Beatty to lose 10 pounds.
3. 75% of all edible underwear purchased by the Portuguese.
2. A woman in the United States has an orgasm every 3.4 seconds --
and that woman never gets any housework done!
1. Every 12 seconds, somebody has a drink with a Kennedy.
July 8, 1992
Top 10 Signs You've Hired a Bad Babysitter
10. Keeps asking, "The kids are the shorts ones, right?"
9. Saw her on "Jeopardy" during "Bad Babysitters Week."
8. Kids start using a lot of prison slang.
7. When you offer her a tip, she says, "I've already taken care of
6. First question she asks is, "Where do you hide the booze?"
5. Kids become hooked on phonics.
4. She nervously asks, "You don't watch 'Americas's Most Wanted' do
3. While sitting at restaurant, you recognize her at next table.
2. Every time you call to check in, the phone is answered by a
1. While you were gone, she signed you up for the Olympic TripleCast.
July 22, 1992
Top 10 Things Overheard on the Clinton/Gore Campaign Bus
10. "Slow down! A convertible full of babes."
9. "OK Hillary, you pretend you're the naive motorist and I'll be the
angry sta te policeman."
8. "My lifelong dream: entering a Howard Johnson's through a bus
7. "I forgot again - am I Thelma or Louise?"
6. "Is that Jerry Brown hitchhiking?"
5. "Never mind my energy policy - let's see if this whale can do
4. "Tipper, are you crazy? You don't moon truckers."
3. "It's day five, Al. Would a shower kill you?"
2. "Look out! It's Ben Vereen!"
1. "No, Ma'am, this isn't the trash train."
July 23, 1992
Top 10 Signs You've Gone To a Bad Hypnotist
10. When you come to, he's wearing your clothes.
9. You now own 19 Juice Tigers.
8. Days after your appointment, strangers come up to you on the
street saying h ow much they enjoyed you in that live-sex show.
7. Everywhere you look: giant, whistling squirrels.
6. He tells you your wallet is blocking the alpha rays - better let
him hold it .
5. He says, "You're getting very... uh... slippery - no, that's not
4. Anytime someone says the word "hello" you find yourself naked in
3. Suddenly you remember him from shop class.
2. Instead of tapping into your subconscious, he just waits for you
to doze off and then yells stuff at you.
1. You wake up married to Doug Henning.
September 22, 1992
Top 10 Reasons Perot May Re-Enter the Race
10. Great way to get America excited about his new low fat "Perogurt."
9. Mind control ray from planet Saturn once again coming through loud
and clear .
8. When asked if he could win, Magic Eight Ball said, "Yes,
7. Started to enjoy jokes about his enormously large comic ears.
6. Two words: campaign tail.
5. Whenever he takes garbage out, wife says, "I'll bet the
_president_ doesn't have to do that."
4. He's found some qualified homosexuals and adulterers to fill his
3. Cheap publicity stunt to promote his new movie with Mia Farrow.
2. Heard the White House fridge is packed with Steak 'Ums.
1. He's just plain nuts.
September 29, 1992
Top 10 Things that Would Convince Perot To Get Back in the Race
10. Voices in his head urge him to go to Washington as new president
and kill Sam Donaldson.
9. No promises, but he really likes those Mounds bars.
8. One night with Debbie, the official White House concubine.
7. Some kind of sign from God, like a riot in L.A. or a hurricane in
6. Claudia Schiffer pretends to be his girlfriend for a week.
5. Oprah's undying love.
4. Promise that when his face is carved into Mt. Rushmore, ears will
remain actual size.
3. His accountants point out huge opportunities for President Perot's
sons in the savings and loan industry.
2. One soft, sweet kiss from Larry King.
1. Lower podiums.
October 1, 1992
Top 10 Signs Perot Is Planning To Drop Out Again
10. He's back _in_ again.
9. Hasn't bothered to change answering machine message that says,
"Hi, I'm out of the race right now...."
8. He's got that faraway look in his eye that he always gets right
before he dr ops out.
7. Hasn't canceled his month-long trip to Germany for Oktoberfest.
6. A reporter asked him about an issue.
5. Whenever someone says, "I'm going to vote for you," he says, "Huh?
Oh yeah, great."
4. New campaign slogan: "I'm your man 'til Columbus Day."
3. Overheard saying, "The cramps have started again."
2. He's already scheduled a Larry King interview to make "an
1. Accepted job at Dairy Queen.
October 2, 1992
Top 10 Conversational Ice Breakers for Cross-Country Bus
10. "If the cops search the bus, I'm your brother Eddie, OK?"
9. "The sign says no spitting, but they never enforce it."
8. "Where's the stewardess?"
7. "I'll bet you're wondering if I'm sitting back here, then who's
driving the bus now?"
6. "Hello. My name is Bill Clinton."
5. "I've got bus rash!"
4. "Hey fatty, off my leg!"
3. "Ever hear of the Olympic TripleCast? That was my idea."
2. "I'd like to have sex with you and I don't want to have to pay for
1. "May I call you Mommy?"
October 7, 1992
Top 10 Signs Your Kid Is Out of Shape
10. Instead of teddy bear, sleeps with a cheeseburger.
9. While playing in yard, he's knocked unconscious by a moth.
8. He asks you to give him a ride from the living room to the den.
7. Won't get out of bed until the pies arrive.
6. He can't even tear up a picture of the Pope.
5. Whenever he walks around in new corduroys, neighbors yell, "Keep
4. You hear him in his room saying, "Man! These CDs are heavy!"
3. You let him stay up past his bedtime and he can't.
2. When you drive by the McDonald's, the staff comes out to wave at
1. Known around town as "Elvis."
October 8, 1992
Top 10 Little-Known Debate Rules
10. Each candidate may kick off the proceedings with one limerick.
9. After particularly good answer, moderator may wink at candidate.
8. Must provide people in front with drop cloth before smashing melon
with gian t mallet.
7. Unless it pertains to an issue, no squatting.
6. Bernard Shaw not allowed to hide under moderator's table.
5. No triple suplexes - double suplexes, sure, but no triple
4. Maximum of two tickets to the debate for candidates girlfriends.
3. After taking drink of water, candidate must say, "Damn, that's
2. Candidates may compare themselves to J.F.K. only in terms of
1. No bicycle pants.
October 15, 1992
Top 10 Signs You're Losing the Presidential Debate
10. You begin wondering if working at McDonalds is as much fun as it
is in the commercials.
9. Wife stars flirting with Sam Donaldson.
8. In audience, your father tears his clothing and yells, "I have no
7. After every statement you make, moderator chuckles and says,
6. Michael Dukakis is giving you "thumbs up" in front row.
5. Only mild, polite applause when you B.S. about how much you love
4. Circus music plays, the audience stands, and a dunce cap is
lowered onto your head.
3. Doberman in audience smells your fear and starts chasing you
2. Cameraman peeks around camera and mouths the words, "You suck."
1. Your name is George Bush.
October 27, 1992
Top 10 Ways Bush Planned To Disrupt Perot's Daughter's Wedding
10. When bride says, "I do," yell, "Speak up, tubby!"
9. Exercise little-known presidential "wedding veto."
8. Get drunk, get up on stage, and sing, "You and Me Against the
7. Three words: Rev. Rip Taylor.
6. Airdrop doctored photos of Perot nailing a metermaid.
5. Replace ushers with incontinent monkeys.
4. Have Dan Quayle stand in back of church and yell, "I had her!"
3. Push Admiral Stockdale into wedding cake.
2. The same way Honest Abe himself would have done it: stilts and a
1. Super itchy garter.
October 28, 1992
Top 10 Signs You're a Fringe Presidential Candidate
10. Mother unwilling to "throw away her vote" on you.
9. Every time you kiss a baby, someone calls the cops.
8. Secret Service assigns you their college intern "Skip."
7. Your party's convention is cut short when the manager kicks you
out of Wendy 's.
6. Your slogan is: "It's time we put a midget in charge of things."
5. In an interview from prison, Manson calls you "that nut case."
4. Your letters to the editor are printed under the heading "Today's
3. When you announce your candidacy, you get a standing ovation from
the other patients.
2. Every morning mailman says, "Letter for you, Mr. President," then
laughs hys terically.
1. One word: scootercade.
October 30, 1992
Top 10 Ways Dumb Voters Decide Who To Vote For
10. Ask a smart person, vote the opposite way.
9. Listen for clues from Vanna.
8. Whichever guy has that cool-sounding "voodoo economics."
7. Find out who that "Dorf on Golf" guy is supporting.
6. Stick hand in blender: one finger left, vote Bush; two fingers
left, Clinton .
5. Carefully analyze pie charts, get craving for pie, eat pie.
4. Heads - Bush; tails - Quayle.
3. If he's talking about a tax on Steak-Umms, forget it.
2. Ask self, "Am I more dumb now than I was four years ago?"
1. One word: Nixon.
November 10, 1992
Top 10 Signs You're in Love with Oprah
10. You were the only person who really cared when she put the weight
9. Your pet name for Chicago: "The Winfrey City."
8. You find yourself saying to her, "No, I don't think you've run out
of topics ."
7. You hardly ever think about Nell Carter anymore.
6. There's an electronic tote board in your living room continuously
tallying her net worth.
5. You're in her audience, she calls on you, you can't stand up.
4. When she doesn't have a guest, you agree to cross-dress and marry
3. Whenever anyone says, "Oh," you immediately add, "Prah!"
2. You have every Oprah show on tape and keep them in lead-lined,
earthquake-proof vault in the Mojave Desert.
1. The wind cries, "Oprah!"
November 13, 1992
Top 10 Thoughts on Ronald Reagan's Mind at this Moment
10. "I guess it's true what they say: 'Hand in toaster - bad.' "
9. "Reach out, turn shiny knob, door will open."
8. "I miss Meese."
7. "These Super Hot Fireballs ain't that hot... oh boy, oooh, oooh,
my tongue, my tongue!"
6. "Now... where do I bury the mailman's body?"
5. "Here, goose, goose, goose... or is that the vacuum cleaner?"
4. "I never got Boy George. I still don't get Boy George. I probably
never will get Boy George."
3. "I wonder what ever happened to that nice Bush fella used to work
for me back east?"
2. "Yeah, yeah, I heard you, you old bag."
1. "Who's frying bologna?"
November 17, 1992
Top 10 Punchlines to Postal Worker Dirty Jokes
10. "That's funny - I could have sworn it was marked 'This end up'!"
9. "Then she says, 'That's the last time I ask for special handling.'
8. "The very next day his uniform was blue again."
7. " 'Wendy?' And then the mailman says, 'No, it actually says
Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day.' "
6. "That's not my mailbag, but don't stop sorting!"
5. "If you can find your keys, we can drive the mail truck out of
4. "The dog still bites me, but now I don't mind so much."
3. "36DDD? That's a strange ZIP code!"
2. "I don't know, but it had Ed McMahon's face on it!"
1. "Any faster and you'd be working for Federal Express."
November 20, 1992
Top 10 Tips Barbara Bush Gave Hillary Clinton
10. After you have Dan Rather at state dinner, count the silverware.
9. Best thing about being First Lady? Free stuff!
8. Two words: ugly secretaries.
7. If you give good quotes to the press, they'll sometimes let you
see the next
day's Garfield strip.
6. Nail Michael Bolton.
5. There's an old doll in the cellar you can give Elsie, or whatever
her name is.
4. If you husband is experiencing "Washington grid lock," try a new
teddy from Victoria's Secret.
3. Don't get too much Sun while you're young.
2. When a tour group's around, make sure you're wearing a bra.
1. Don't unpack.
November 26, 1992
Top 10 Signs You Have Eaten Too Much
10. When you leave the dining room, so does your chair.
9. You start sweating mashed potatoes like a Chia Pet.
8. You wish 100-year-olds happy birthday on TV for a living.
7. Breathalizer shows blood gravy level of more than 0.10%.
6. No one can find the cat.
5. Food not available in your area for several days.
4. Every time you belch, about a gallon of cranberry sauce hits the
3. Police bomb squad places you gently in a large empty lot, stands
expectantly some distance away.
2. Whenever you get up from your chair, you hear tuba music.
1. The coroner says, "He ate too much."
December 8, 1992
Top 10 Reasons "Cheers" Is Going Off the Air
10. They ran out of beer nuts.
9. It's all part of NBC's master plan to stay in third place.
8. Ego of that postman guy out of control, constantly storms off set
shouting, "I _am_ Cheers!"
7. White men can't resist sequels.
6. Unlike this show, they decided to quit when they ran out of ideas.
5. Actors so bored with roles they finish their lines by saying,
4. Norm's liver now roughly the size of an ottoman.
3. Ted Danson's toupee even more obvious than mine.
2. Realization that if you're going to get really wasted, you don't
want to do it in a bar where everybody knows you name.
1. Stool rash.
December 9, 1992
Top 10 Signs You Have Purchased Tainted Soup
10. The 800 number for recipe tips is the same as the poison-control
9. Every time you put a can in your cupboard roaches scream, "Raid!"
8. It's very crunchy for cream of tomato.
7. When you pay for it, check-out girl says, "You'd better get right
6. It's called "Port Authority Pea Soup."
5. Fat guy who will eat anything, won't eat it.
4. Celebrity spokesman: Dr. Jack Kevorkian.
3. You get the DMTs: Dinty Moore tremens.
2. Each can has a picture of Rev. Jim Jones saying, "Mmm Mmm Good."
1. Hey! Those ain't oyster crackers!