January 6, 1993
Top 10 Signs Americans Are Getting Dumber
10. Rising tide of complaints that the Clapper is too complicated.
9. More people saying, "Hey, you forgot to take the hanger out of
8. When asked to name the current president, most say, "Eddie?"
7. 82% of Americans get their news from a pet.
6. Sales of "I'm with Stupid" T-shirts surpassed by sales of "I Am
5. Leading cause of death: forgetting to let go of bowling balls.
4. Frightened crowds always running out of movie theaters screaming,
3. 1993 S.A.T. consists of one question: "Hey good lookin' - whatcha
2. Upsurge in the number of babies named "Critter."
1. Three Amy Fisher movies.
January 7, 1993
Top 10 Excuses of the Home Alone Parents
10. Airline wasn't running "Kids Fly Free" promotion.
9. That Macaulay Culkin kid was left home alone and he's a
8. "OK everybody, meet Winnie, the invisible babysitter! Say hi,
Winnie! Go ahead! Winnie?! Winnie?!"
7. Unspoken assumption that they'd be taking a later flight.
6. Had to stay behind to fire Ditka.
5. Kids love to be alone at Christmas.
4. Just for the sake of argument, suppose the kids were hats. Now,
there's nothing wrong with leaving a couple hats at home, is
3. We haven't had a vacation without the kids since September.
2. Babysitter Amy Fisher didn't show up.
1. Hey, we came back, didn't we?
January 8, 1993
Top 10 Signs the Guy Who's Pulled You Over Isn't a Real Cop
10. He's driving a Mr. Softie truck.
9. Nightstick looks suspiciously like one of those really long Slim
8. Can't fit you in back of his car because of all the chickens.
7. Rather than "Protect and Serve," his motto is "Lift and Separate."
6. He keeps calling you "Mommy."
5. You're blinded by the glare of his silver cape.
4. Instead of handcuffs, two onion rings and a rubber band.
3. He jumps in the back seat, holds a gun to your head, and says,
"Drive me to Cincinnati."
2. Every other word out of his mouth is "Martians."
1. Hates doughnuts.
January 21, 1993
Top 10 Signs Roger Clinton Is Going To Be Trouble
10. It's just not normal to keep eating so much taffy.
9. Won't go anywhere without his goalie mask and Bat Cape.
8. Let's put it this way: if he were a Corleone, he'd be Fredo.
7. When Bill was looking for a poet for the inauguration, Roger
asked, "How about the Dice-Man?"
6. Way he keeps asking Tipper: "Yeah, but are you MARRIED married?"
5. In made-for-TV movie about Clinton family, he's being played by
4. Somehow broke into the mint, got his face put on the dime.
3. Spends late nights tap dancing with Bonnie Franklin.
2. Refers to Dan Quayle as "Professor."
1. Already applied for presidential pardon.
February 2, 1993
Top 10 Other New White House Rules
10. No talking during "Hee Haw."
9. Championship sports teams invited to White House must bring
8. Barbra Streisand may take nuclear secrets home overnight, but they
must be returned in the morning.
7. President must wash hands before returning to work.
6. You must be this tall to ride Gennifer Flowers.
5. When the President's brother Roger is singing, staffers must
murmur, "Man! That cat is laying down a groove!"
4. At state dinners Ted Kennedy has two-drink limit.
3. Everyone must agree with President when he says, "South Dakoty is
north of North Dakoty, ain't it?"
2. If the Oval Office is rockin', don't bother knockin'.
1. Do not feed the President.
February 3, 1993
Top 10 Signs You Have Too Much Body Hair
10. Not enough hours in the day to rinse, lather, and repeat.
9. When you applied for McDonalds job, hair-net company bought you a
8. Every time you get out of the shower, your wife says, "Hey, great!
7. Getting caught in the rain means you stink like a labrador.
6. You keep a Weed Whacker in the medicine cabinet.
5. Your name is Ed Asner.
4. As girlfriend runs fingers over your hairy chest, a pair of pliers
3. "Take off your coat and stay a while. No, seriously, take off
your coat - you'll be more comfortable. Please - would you take
off your coat?"
2. "Hard Copy" wants to shoot some blurry footage of you nude for
their Bigfoot story.
1. Cause of death: mange.
February 4, 1993
Top 10 Ways To Cut $14 Billion from the Defense Budget
10. Fly stand-by.
9. Streamline paperwork - make everyone in army use name "Ed
8. Earl Scheib will camouflage anything for $9 9.9 9.
7. From now on, helmets only for guys with really, really sensitive
6. Put off buying a wrench or two.
5. Delete "free fudgsicles" clause from Schwarzkopf's pension.
4. Screw periscopes - they can just stick their heads out of the top
and look a round.
3. Replace six-week basic training with screening of Rambo I, II, and
2. Pry toilet out of an old Winnebago, stencil words "space toilet"
on side. Sell it to NASA.
1. Two words: street clothes.
Febru ary 17, 1992
Top 10 Signs Your Film Isn't Going To Be Nominated for an Academy Award
10. No one's seen it but you and your Mom.
9. Due to typo you paid top dollar to get Jack Nicklaus.
8. During filming you forgot to take lens cap off, released it
7. You're making a sequel to "Gorillas in the Mist" but halfway
through you lose your permit for the gorillas and have to finish
using big St. Bernards.
6. Clarence Thomas bought the video.
5. Every time your movie is shown audience screams, "Focus!"
4. Full page ads begin, "If you loved 'Encino Man'...."
3. Entire movie filmed through a peephole at a Holiday Inn.
2. The title includes any combination of the following words: "stop",
"Mom", or "shoot".
1. Two words: starring Madonna.
February 24, 1993
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Grammys
10. "Who the hell let Yoko in?"
9. "Sure I remember you from the Bangles - I'll have a rum and coke
8. "Wow! Johnny Winter beats Edgar Winter in best albino blues
guitarist category again!"
7. "When's that geezer gonna come out and do them lame one-arm
6. "Yeah right, he's dating Brooke Shields."
5. "My brother's the President, and if you don't let me sing, I'll
have him do somethin' nucular to ya'!"
4. "Call security - Oprah's moonwalking!"
3. "Reba, Latifah. Latifah, Reba. Latifah and Reba, Bono."
2. "Run for your lives - Harry Connick Jr.'s got a gun!"
1. "He's the guy touching himself."
February 25, 1993
Top 10 Other New Rules at McDonalds
10. Prove you've suffered a massive heart attack, get a free Big Mac.
9. Condiments now include Stridex pads.
8. Carjacking only in designated drive-thru lanes.
7. If a customer requests detailed nutritional information, you don't
speak English, got it?
6. No more freebies for Ronald McDonald's lover, Gary.
5. Employees must at least think about washing hands before returning
4. McDLTs come with McCPR.
3. When somebody orders a salad, no longer allowed to say, "Hey, we
got ourselves a sissy here."
2. One Buttafuoco collector cup per visit.
1. You MUST have fries with that.
March 2, 1993
Top 10 Signs You've Hired a Bad Secretary
10. Instead of makeup, she opts for magic marker moustache and
9. Upon seeing typewriter, screams, "Ahhh! Iron pencil!"
8. Several times a week firefighters have to free her from the candy
7. People from Guinness book always showing up to measure his
6. Keeps asking you to repeat the word "Dictaphone."
5. While taking notes at a board meeting, she suddenly says, "I
missed what fatso just said."
4. Claims he was once Vice President, but he can't even spell.
3. You can't remember the last time you got a letter or a phone call.
2. Since she's been there, you go through $10,000 a week in petty
1. Can't get the hang of Post-Its.
March 19, 1993
Top 10 Signs It's Your Cab Driver's First Day
10. His turban is clean and bright.
9. He says, "Uh oh, easy does it! Pothole coming up!"
8. You take turns driving so he can get some shut-eye.
7. When you get in the cab and say, "_______________," he starts
screaming, "I didn't do it!"
6. You recognize him as former head of NBC News Michael Gartner.
5. Drives cab in area marked "street."
4. He turns meter off and says, "How can I care about money when I'm
drivin' a big yellow car?! Whoopee!"
3. "South Bronx? 2 a.m.? Sure, hop in."
2. When stuck in traffic, he explains, "I would use the horn but it
is only for emergencies."
1. He stops at red lights.
March 23, 1993
Top 10 Signs Boris Yeltsin Is Cracking Under the Pressure
10. Instead of the Kremlin, has started hanging around Kreskin's
9. One day, pants but no hat. Next day, hat but no pants.
8. Keeps pounding desk with fists and screaming, "Kill Moose and
7. While addressing Parliament, can't stop blurting out secret to
"The Crying Game."
6. Applied for job as new president of NBC.
5. Asked Admiral Stockdale to be his running mate.
4. Wastes hours playing "Let's Look for Swedes."
3. Has taken to calling himself the "Stolichnaya Messiah."
2. Let his goofy brother Roger Yeltsin sing on MTV.
1. Claims he invented Russian dressing.
March 24, 1993
Top 10 Little-Known Facts About "Nightline"
10. Early "Nightline" trading cards now worth over $500.
9. Koppel demanded ABC give his wife a show right after "Nightline."
8. Due to Ted's lack of self control, bacon has been banned from the
7. Their Top 10 lists are funnier than ours.
6. It's taped with an X-400, reflex lens camera using a cathode-ray
5. Just like in "The Crying Game," Ted Koppel is a guy!
4. Features exclusive interviews with presidents, not their brothers.
3. During commercial breaks, Koppel uses the big satellite video
screen to talk
to his cat.
2. New format debuting this summer: Ted and his guest try to one-up
each other with Mama jokes.
1. It ain't a wig.
March 25, 1993
Top 10 Signs the Guys Trying To Put Out Your Burning House Aren't Real Firemen
10. Their beards are on fire.
9. Entire operation comes to a complete halt when someone
accidentally stands on the garden hose.
8. You warn them that your gas tank is liable to blow and they say,
7. They're wearing bowling shoes.
6. You notice them carrying each other up and down ladders.
5. Chief says, "It'll burn itself out in a couple days," asks for a
beer, and leaves.
4. They arrive a couple at a time off the regular city bus.
3. One of them keeps trying to attach the end of a hose to your dog.
2. They keep laughing and shouting, "Nothing beats flame broiling!"
1. No ladders - stilts.
April 1, 1993
Top 10 Signs You've Picked the Wrong Supreme Court Justice
10. Keeps asking, "When do I meet Diana Ross?"
9. Writes his opinions on little scraps of Kleenex.
8. Only law he knows is that "under-30-minutes-or-the-pizza-is-free"
7. Favorite case: Roe v. Godzilla.
6. Keeps sneaking into the chambers at night and propping up Thurgood
Marshall in his old chair.
5. He points at your shoes and says, "Enjoy 'em while they're still
4. Whenever a death sentence is announced, he plays "taps" on his
3. Three words: UNLV law school.
2. You overhear him mumbling, "What would Wapner do?"
1. Heard of Jacoby, never heard of Meyers.
April 29, 1993
Top 10 Things Overheard During Take Your Daughter To Work Day
10. "I don't care whose 8-year-old she is, she's not neutering my
9. "Bryant, meet my daughter Willardo."
8. "Mrs. Paul, your daughter just saw the secret fish-stick recipe.
Now she must die!"
7. "Hand Mommy her tassles."
6. "This is the director's chair, Soon-Yi."
5. "Now batting for the Chicago White Sox - Cindy."
4. "I know his hair looks scary, but just march right up and say,
'Hello, Mr. Letterman.'"
3. "Honey, keep your eyes open over here while Daddy whacks a guy."
2. "Chelsea, see if YOU can get something past Congress."
1. "Keep away from Senator Packwood."
May 4, 1993
Top 10 Signs Your Therapist Hates You
10. Everything you tell him ends up in the "Weekly World News."
9. Constantly rolling his eyes and making "cuckoo" sign with finger.
8. At the end of your session, he screams, "Time's up!" and
high-fives the receptionist.
7. Every time you eat something tasty you get a nasty electric shock
and pretty soon tasty ain't so tasty anymore!
6. Really itchy couch.
5. As you tell him about your week, he and his friends keep yelling,
4. Introduces you as the Mayor of Loserville.
3. Whenever you tell him one of your dreams, he says, "Come on,
that's an old 'Twilight Zone.'"
2. Constantly asking: "So, you're just going to rule out suicide
1. Always sides with Mia.
May 11, 1993
Top 10 Signs the Guy Driving Your Subway Train Isn't a Transit Employee
10. Stops when he hits somebody.
9. No matter how many times he's disappointed, can't resist tasting
the sticky stuff on the floor.
8. The hospital gown.
7. You notice the train is cutting through a lot of backyards.
6. When you stop in Times Square, he gives Show World schedule over
5. Conductor's cap looks suspiciously like a Fruit Loops box.
4. Conductor is sitting next to you with a wad of cotton in his
mouth, and tape around his wrists and ankles.
3. On his badge, "transit" spelled with a "z."
2. Wearing belt buckle that says, "Pull here for emergency stops."
1. He's graffiti free.
May 13, 1993
Top 10 Things Overheard During Clinton's Trip to New York
10. "Get out of my way, fatso."
9. "It'll be $15 for the phony headline, 'President Clinton's
8. "OK give me your Presidential wallet and just keep walking."
7. "Where can I get me one of those 'Whack-a-Perots'?"
6. "I'm sorry I can't find a 'Flowers' on the guest list."
5. "I'm the President, damn it! Now give me another spare rib."
4. "Those aren't hummingbirds, Mr. President, they're stray bullets."
3. "Look at all the hookers. Yipppeeee!"
2. "Get your hillbilly ass out of the intersection."
1. "Hey, tax this."
May 26, 1993
Top 10 Reasons Clinton's Approval Rating Has Declined
10. As part of defense cuts, shouldn't have ordered cancellation of
9. Majority of Americans want us to bomb somebody, ANYBODY.
8. One haircut cost taxpayers as much as 8 years worth of Reagan's
7. When we elected him he was pleasantly plump, now he's frightening
6. Recent public admission he once dated Mick Jagger.
5. Country disappointed Roger hasn't lived up to his full Billy
4. Many turned off by videotape of Socks catching and disemboweling a
3. Only definitive decision he's made since elected was, "Yes, I
would like fries with that."
2. Many turned off by videotape of Hillary catching and disemboweling
a sparrow .
1. Those damn running shorts.
May 27, 1993
Top 10 Things More Embarrassing than Having a Baseball Bounce Off Your Head for a Home Run
10. Being snubbed at daytime Emmys for 14th time.
9. First name: Peabo.
8. Missing an NBA playoff game because you're "feeling lucky" at the
7. That Dukakis-Bentsen bumper sticker that won't come off.
6. Finding out you and your wife each slept with Mick Jagger.
5. Buying a ticket from a scalper at Shea Stadium.
4. Misspelling "potato."
3. Waking up nude and hung over in a sleeping bag with Ross Perot.
2. At your wedding, instead of saying, "I do," you accidentally say,
"Boy, does my butt itch."
1. You lost the presidency to some fat hick.
June 17, 1993
Top 10 Signs You Have Dino-Fever
10. You legally change your name from "Bob" to "Bob-o-saurus."
9. You're eating a lot more ferns lately.
8. You strap tin plates on your dog's back to make him look like a
7. You break into a dino-sweat, develop dino-tremors, and finally
6. When people ask if you like dinosaurs, you say, "You bet
5. You have a stabbing pain in your cheek (a sign you've taken a sip
of Diet Pepsi).
4. You stalk Ernest Borgnine because of his prehistoric features.
3. Favorite reference book: Roget's Thesaurus.
2. You've been arrested more than once for exposing yourself in front
of the T. Rex skeleton at the Museum of Natural History.
1. Name your kids: "Di," "No," and "Saur."