July 11, 1989
Top 10 Things Overheard at the All-Star Game
10.See all those kids in the right field bleachers? Steve Garvey's.
9.What the hell is Al Sharpton doing coaching third?
8.Somebody call Dodger Stadium and see if Reagan went there by
7.Boy! All-Stars sure scratch themselves a lot!
6.I know Reagan is doing the play-by-play, but why is Jimmy Carter
5.Look! Tommy Lasorda's taking a leak in the parking lot!
4.Because the rules say we have to pick one member from every team --
please welcome Doug Jones of the Cleveland Indians.
3.Yes, Mr. President, they've used gloves for some time now.
2.More kraut on that dog Miss Garbo?
1.Steinbrenner, though he has no connection with this particular
September 19, 1989
Top 10 Signs that Chef Boyardee Is Losing His Mind
10. Believes Spaghetti-O's can be used as birth control device.
9. Obsessed with idea of tomato-based cologne.
8. Recently got engaged to Robin Givens.
7. Test marketing "Pasta 'n' Thumbs."
6. At recent sales meeting, dropped pants and said, "Let's put the
boy back in Boyardee!"
5. Paranoid delusion that wife is sleeping with Uncle Ben.
4. Every few minutes and for no apparent reason, yells "Bingo!" at
the top of his lungs.
3. Believes he is Mrs. David Letterman.
2. Instead of traditional chef's "OK" sign, now just gives the
1. Taken to splashing himself with spaghetti sauce and wandering
around bus station chanting, "Lick me."
November 15, 1989
Lech Walesa's Top 10 Questions While in the United States
10. "Why are you so interested in our union, Mr. Gotti?"
9. "Mrs. Bush, could you please get Millie off my leg?"
8. "Am I your only dinner guest, Congressman Frank?"
7. "Are you joking? McRibs?"
6. "Is that just for Warsaw or for the whole country, Mr. Trump?"
5. "If Reagan wasn't coloring his hair, why is it growing in gray
4. "Am I missing something with this Norm Crosby thing?"
3. "Could you get me another cup of coffee, Mr. Quayle?"
2. "That Dan Rather -- he's goofy, isn't he?"
1. "If I become an American citizen, can I change my name to
November 17, 1989
Top 10 Highlights from Barbara Walters' Interview with the
10. Ron constantly referring to Walters as "Oprah."
9. After each response by Nancy, Ron shouting, "Good answer! Good
8. When Ron raised his hand midway through the interview and said, "I
think I've had too much soda."
7. Nancy's on-air marriage proposal to Malcolm-Jamal Warner.
6. When Ron yelled at Walters, "Why don't we shave your head and see
what color it grows back!"
5. Reagan announcing he's waiting for Hinckley to get out so he can
kick his butt.
4. When Ron asked, "Whatever happened to George Bush?"
3. When Ron left because he thought he saw the Bat Signal.
2. When Nancy chugged a gag bottle of rubbing alcohol.
1. When Ron remembered something.
December 27, 1989
Top 10 Ways Noriega Is Keeping Busy
10. Bare-knuckle boxing with Papal Nuncio.
9. Testing Dominos Pizza 30-minute rule.
8. Working on paint-by-number portrait of Hitler.
7. Two words: TV golf.
6. Has already sold consulate staff $1,200 worth of Amway products.
5. Loafing on the couch, reading Elle magazine, and eating instant
coffee crystals straight from the jar.
4. Watching blooper reel from Ayatollah's funeral.
3. Talking to Dole Pineapple Company about possible endorsement deal.
2. Conference calls with Imelda, Leona, and Adnan.
1. Voodoo, pornography, and Nintendo.