THE HALL OF USELESS HUMOR AND TRIVIA!
The following are actual, unedited, notes written by doctors
on "patients" medical charts: 
1. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 
2. The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to
the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately. 
3. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized. 
4. The patients skin was moist and dry. 
5. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid 
6. The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 
7. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until 1989 when she got a divorce. 
8. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady
pregnant. 
9. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of gas and crashed. 
10. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy. 
11. The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet
turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week. 
12. Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to
Los Angeles. 
13. She is numb from her toes down. 
14. Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right
foot. 
15. While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent
home. 
16. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job
as a stockbroker instead. 
17. The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent
headaches. 
18. Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. 
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 
20. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 

Life's Frustrations
You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that
stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his
cart into the back of your ankle.

The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

There's always a car riding your tail when you're
slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you
don't realize it till you walk across your living
room rug.

The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works
for you.

There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished
a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope.

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're
trying to get a reading.

A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing
near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time
you move away.

There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out
of the tray.

You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your
entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a
pedestrian finish crossing.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact
with your filling (or braces).

You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead
of 7am.

The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.

You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob
to get out.

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you
to a counter just opening up.

Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.

You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the
dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.

You have to inform five different sales people in the
same store that you're just browsing.

You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and
now you can't find it.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor
and smash your head on the way up.

Murphy's Law and Resultant Others

The Original Murphy's Law
"If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways
can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it."

So who was Murphy anyway?

Born in 1917, Edward A. Murphy, Jr. was one of the engineers on the
rocket-sled experiments that were done by the United States Air Force
in 1949 to test human acceleration tolerances (USAF project MX981).
One experiment involved a set of 16 accelerometers mounted to
different parts of the subject's body. There were two ways each
sensor could be glued to its mount. Of course, somebody managed to
install all 16 the wrong way around.

Murphy then made the original form of his pronouncement, which the
test subject (Major John Paul Stapp) quoted at a news conference a
few days later.

Within months, "Murphy's Law" had spread to various technical
cultures connected to aerospace engineering, and finally reached the
Webster's dictionary in 1958.

Tragically (and perhaps typically), the popular cliche we
call "Murphy's Law" was never uttered by Edward Murphy.

Murphy's Law applies to Murphy's Law, too

The traditional version of Murphy's Law ("anything that can go wrong,
will") is actually "Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives." Finagle's
Law was popularized by science fiction author Larry Niven in several
stories depicting a frontier culture of asteroid miners;
this "Belter" culture professed a religion and/or running joke
involving the worship of the dread god Finagle and his mad prophet
Murphy.

Since then, the relentless truth inherent in Murphy's Law has become
a persistent thorn in the side of humanity.

Disclaimer:
The following laws(sic) may or may not hold true, depending on
circumstances, the person/people involved or when superceded by local
or regional laws or regulations. The First Church of Murphy's Law
assumes no responsibility for events resulting from either following
or breaking these laws.


Murphy's Corollary:
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy's Corollary:
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious

Murphy's Constant:
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law:
Everything goes wrong all at once.

O'Toole's Commentary:
Murphy was an optimist.

Ralph's Observation:
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you
are in a hurry.

Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage

Firestone's Law of Forcasting:
Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Manly's Maxim:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with
confidence.

Moer's truism:
The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's resemblence to being
one of a sled dog team. No one gets a change of scenery except the
lead dog.

Cannon's Comment:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat
tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Scott's Second Law:
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to
have been correct in the first place.

Finagle's First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's Second Law:
No matter what the experiment's result, there will always be someone
eager to:
(a) misinterpret it.
(b) fake it.
or
(c) believe it supports his own pet theory.

Finagle's Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond
all need of checking, is the mistake.

Finagle's Fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it
worse.

Gumperson's Law:
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its
desirability.

Rudin's Law:
In crises that force people to choose among alternative courses of
action, most people will choose the worst one possible.

Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't quit.

Ehrman's Commentary
Things will get worse before they will get better. Who said things
would get better?

Commoner's Second Law of Ecology:
Nothing ever goes away.

Howe's Law:
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics:
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a
bigger can.

Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.

Klipstein's Law:
Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty
of assembly.

Interchangeable parts won't.

You never find a lost article until you replace it.

Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness:
The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to
its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

Lewis' Law:
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've bought
it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

If nobody uses it, there's a reason.

You get the most of what you need the least.

The Airplane Law:
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to
is on time.

Etorre's Observation:
The other line moves faster.

First Law of Revision:
Information necessitiating a change of design will be conveyed to the
designer after - and only after - the plans are complete.
(Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law)

Second Law of Revision:
The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its
influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.

Corollary to the First Law of Revision:
In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious
wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to
expedite subsequent revision.

LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
I. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
II. Any given program costs more and takes longer.

LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

Men And Women... The Differences

Simply put... women speak in estrogen and men listen in
testosterone... Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we
have proof! After countless surveys and studies on the following
topics, these facts have emerged!! 
1. RELATIONSHIPS: First of all, a man does not call it a
relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were
doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman
will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will
write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with
her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months
after the break- up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call
and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll
never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I
want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known
as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call that 99% of all
men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely
prove effective. 
2. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old
females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still
trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work out. 
3. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women.
Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is
because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male
body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked
men elicit laughter from women. 
4. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their
penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored
stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women
use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal
pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll
put a smiley face at the end of the note. 
5. COMEDY: Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room,
watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it
out. 
6. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,
toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel
from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical
woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of
these items. 
7. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes
out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only
items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes
grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a
man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop
him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. 
8. SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool
suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in
a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on
her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because
her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes
all day. 
9. GOING OUT: When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is
ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means
she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings,
finishes putting on her makeup... 
10. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women
aren't looking, men kick cats. 
11. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances
and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and
dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house. 
12. LOW BLOWS: Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing
match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman
says, "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles
over, and actually FEELS the pain. 
13. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the
plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the
mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. 
14. DAVID LETTERMAN: Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on
the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who
always has a bad haircut. 
15. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear
every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that
were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When
he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside
out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the
laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes
of "Love, American Style." 
16. WEDDINGS: When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the
ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party". 
17. SOCKS: Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweat
socks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the
ankles, that have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on
the back. 
18. NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for
lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and
Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they
will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Useless. 
19. EATING OUT: ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and
Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.
None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit
they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the
pocket calculators. 
20. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a
mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections
in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's
head. 
21. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a
variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological
changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys
aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and
goes shopping for a Porsche. 
22. THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool.
They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A
woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning
home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three
hours. 
23. DIRECTIONS: If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in
unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for
directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will
never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for
hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new
way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I
recognize that 7-11 store." 
24. ADMITTING MISTAKES: Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer. 
25. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a
dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that
slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. 
26. MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. 
27. TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach
the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their
obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more
expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little
miniature TV's. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic
equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video
games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate. 
28. PLANTS: A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on
vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six
days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this
happens. 
29. CAMERAS: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out
$4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take
photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course,
women always end up taking better pictures. 
30. GARAGES: Women use garages to park their cars and store their
lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates
in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided
benches in garages. 
31. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a
nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has
been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. 
32. JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get
away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he
will look like a lounge singer named Vic. 
33. SPORT ARENAS: Simply put, men can always find their way around
stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men. 
34. TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the
football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is
counting time outs, commercials, or replays. CONVERSATION: Men need a
good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great movie.", "What
are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size.", "Well,
maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc. Women,
not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by
saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks
lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night,
wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on. 
35. FRIENDS: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time. Men on
a boys' night out say about twenty words all night, most of which
are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?" 
36. RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women
use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a
word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by
saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to
join me?" 

How to be a good wife
The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for
the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.
************************************************************
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be
a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a
lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books,
toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband
will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give
you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to
see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children
to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be
glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready
for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in
a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and
unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.

*********************************************************
Now the updated version for the '2000s woman.
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where
you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day
has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way
home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming
irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his
credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know
you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any
miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in
the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!

5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the
washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the
noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him
with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and
remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's
late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the
cooking and the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy
blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage
disposal fixed.

10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him
that you make more money than he does.

More fallacies...
No mummy of any Pharaoh was ever found in an Egyptian pyramid.

It's a myth that midgets and dwarfs necessarily have offspring that
are "vertically challenged." Actually, midgets and dwarfs almost
always have normal-sized children, even if both parents are midgets
or dwarfs.

The toga of ancient Rome was won only by freeborn men, not all men.

Most people mistakenly think the "original sin" in the Bible was
eating from the tree of knowledge. Actually, it involved eating from
the tree of knowledge of good and evil, something else entirely.

There are no true "yams" commercially marketed in the United States.
Product labeled as yams are really sweeter varieties of sweet potato.

Most people figure pit bulls bite people most often. However, German
Shepherds hold that distinction—they bite humans more than any other
breed of dog.

Not all animals can vomit. Rats don't have that ability.

During his midnight ride on April 18, 1775, Paul Revere did not
shout "The British are coming." Instead, his call was "The regulars
are coming." The regulars were the British Troops.

Double Bubble gum wasn't always called that—it used to be
called "Blibber Blubber."

Most people believe tigers have striped fur. That's only partly true—
they also have striped skin.

Antarctica is actually a desert.

Contrary to what most people believe, earthworms don't come out of
the ground when it rains to avoid drowning. They love the moisture.
They come out of the ground to mate.

The tomato is actually a berry.

It's widely held that insurance policies won't pay if the cause of
death is suicide. Untrue. While a common myth, perpetuated by TV
murder mysteries, just about all insurance policies have a clause
covering suicides—they state a policy must be held at least two years
before the suicide for benefits to be paid. (Otherwise, it's fraud.)

Studies show most people in America who own running shoes don't run.

The Nazis didn't start the practice of concentration camps. (Britain
used them during the Boer War.)

American "green cards" aren't. The last time they were actually green
was 1964.

"Clay pigeons," used in skeet and trap shooting, aren't made of clay.
They are actually made from tar and pitch.

What ethnicity do you think Aladdin was? It's unlikely your guess is
correct. The original story from Tales of 1,001 Arabian Nights
begins, "Aladdin was a little Chinese boy

Nirvana is not a place. It's a state (of bliss).

The memory of elephants isn't any better than that of many other
mammals.

Do you think coupons save money? Studies have shown that frequent
coupon users have higher grocery bills than those who shop without
them—as much as 84% higher. Coupon shoppers tend to overlook equally
good alternative brands that cost less than the name item, with or
without the discount.

Despite what you might suspect, the Americans of 1776 had the highest
standard of living and the lowest taxes in the Western World.

Turkey was not on the menu at the first Thanksgiving.

Here's a widely held misconception. In truth, ship captains have no
particular authority to perform weddings. Regulations in the U.S.,
British and Russian navies, as well as those of other nations,
prohibit a commanding officer from performing marriage ceremonies.

"Shakers" isn't the name of that religious sect. The official name is
United Society of Believers in Christ's Second Appearing. "Shaker"
refers to the involuntary movements of believers during moments of
religious fervor.

It is a popular misconception that the chameleon changes its color to
match that of its background. The change is actually determined by
such environmental factors as light and temperature, as well as by
emotions such as fright and those associated with victory or defeat
in battle with another chameleon.

It is widely rumored that poinsettias are poisonous. It's not true.

Manhattan Island was not, as is widely believed, bought for $24.
Peter Minuit gave the Manhattoe tribe a package of trinkets and
cloth. (The items were valued at 60 guilders, roughly equivalent to
$24.)

Shakespeare didn't originate the saying, "Oh what a tangled web we
weave when first we practice to deceive." Sir Walter Scott did.

Botticelli wasn't the painter's name. It was actually Alessandro di
Mariano Filipepi. Botticelli was a nickname that meant, "little
barrel," a reference to his girth.

Let's clear this up once and for all—cold weather doesn't cause
colds. They're caused by germs.

Nathan Hale's last words weren't: "I only regret that I have but one
life to live to lose for my country." His final declaration was
actually, "It is the duty of every good officer to obey any orders
given him by his commander in chief."

Brown eggs are no more nutritious than white eggs, no matter what you
may have heard.

There's no such thing as "Corinthian leather." That's just a name
Chrysler made up to describe the leather in its 1974 Cordoba, pitched
by Ricardo Montalban.

Nowhere in the Bible does it say "Cleanliness is next to godliness."
That sentiment was originated by John Wesley (1703-1791), a British
theologian.

It is a fallacy that birds don't eat much, even though we describe
someone who is a light eater as "eating like a bird." Because of
their high metabolisms, birds eat a lot more in proportion to their
body size than humans—specifically, one quarter to a half of their
body weight each day.

Strange But Important "Rules for Life"
"RULES OF LIFE"

Sometimes we just need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are.
…

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.

2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move
and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship "Iapologize" and "You are right."

4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to
eat crow while it's still warm.

6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you
was,"Go! You might meet somebody!"

7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them.

8. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter
oneyear from now? How about one month? One week? One day?'

9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.

10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have
anotherchance!

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because
ofa bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person
was right about you.

12. Work is good, but it's not that important.

13. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know
when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan

Strange Thoughts & Ideas

You read about all these terrorists; most of them came here legally,
but they hang around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-
15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late
with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster
in charge of immigration

In an apparent copycat terrorist act, a Polish terrorist, Stanley Bin
Ladinsky, hijacked a Goodyear blimp. So far he has bounced off of
five buildings.

Marriage is like taking a hot bath. After you've been in it for a
while... it isn't so hot.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end
and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and
can't tell who the sucker is---- it's you.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.

I asked Mom if I was a gifted child... she said they certainly
wouldn't have paid for me.

Have you noticed since everyone has a cam corder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes. And women say the first thing they
notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world
is weird and people take prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come
to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a barbecue?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Strange Things to Ponder

Tell me this....

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your ass?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not
to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

Female Golfing Terms

CADDY--2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend herself.

CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.

DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."

FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.

GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.

GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.

HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose.

IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.

ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything.

SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.

SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver."

TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.

WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.

WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight

Strange Historical Misconceptions

There is no evidence that Betsy Ross sewed the first U.S.
flag. The story didn't even flutter forth from her relatives until
1870.

George Washington did not toss a dollar across the Potomac.
Even if he did toss something, the dollar didn't come into being
until after the U.S. gained independence.

Francis Scott Key did not write our national anthem. He penn-
ed the words then set them to an old English drinking song.
It did not become our national anthem until 1931.

Most of the midnight ride of Paul Revere was accomplished by other
horsemen. It was Samuel Prescott, in fact, who carried the warning to
Concord.

The Declaration of Independence was not approved on July 4,
1776. Only John Hancock, for the assembly, signed it that day.
The other signatures were made on August 2.

George Washington wasn't the first U.S. President. John Han-
son was the president of the Congress of the Confederation and
carried the title of president of the U.S., as did eight men after
him.

"Yankee Doodle" is not an American song. It was a British ditty
designed to harass ragtag colonists during the French and Indian War.

One-fourth of the people who lose their sense of smell also lose
their desire for sexual relations.

According to experts, whale songs rhyme.

A giant redwood tree contains more water than wood. A trunk 200 feet
high holds 4,700 gallons.

Limousines originally got their name because they were first built in
the Limousin region of France.

Albert Einstein didn?t like to wear socks.

Mai Tai is Tahitian for "the very best."

Half of all the states in the U.S. owe their names to American Indian
words.

St. Bernard is the patron saint of skiers.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

Braille was invented by a 15-year-old French boy (Louis Braille).
Braille was blinded at the age of three when his eyes were pierced
while he was playing with his father?s tools.

Iceland doesn?t have an army.

In 1439, King Henry VI of England banned kissing because he said it
spread disease.

When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet each other,
they shake penises instead of hands.

Some lions mate more than 50 times a day.

The average person goes to McDonald?s 1,811 times during their
lifetime.

7UP once contained lithium carbonate, a powerful and effective drug
used in psychiatry and administered as a treatment for manic-
depression.

One thousand basic words make up 90% of all writing.

People in China don't eat cheese.

Obsession is the most popular boat name.

Ulysses S. Grant was born Hiram Ulysses Grant, but he changed his
name because he did not like his monogram, H.U.G.

Eighty percent of Americans eat their corn on the cob in circles
rather than from side to side.

Paul Revere was an accomplished and notorious art forger.

The metal part of a lamp that surrounds the bulb and supports the
shade is called a "harp."

One out of every seven birds in the world is a finch.

Signs You're *Really* Broke

  American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
  Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine
restaurant. 
  You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
  You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with
Abe. 
  Long distance companies no longer call you to switch. 
  Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%. 
  You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. 
  You receive care packages from Europe. 
  Your bologna has no first name. 
  You rob Peter...and then rob Paul. 
  You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. 
  You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. 
  You give blood everyday - for the orange juice. 
  McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. 
  Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No." 
  The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.

Questionable Product labels

  ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on
the bottom of the box. 
  ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after
heating 
  ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not Iron clothes on body 
  ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate
machinery 
  ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: may cause drowsiness 
  ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out of children 
  ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor
use only. 
  ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use 
  ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts 
  ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet,
eat nuts. 
  ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands 
  ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS: Why not try tossing over your
favourite breakfast cereal? 

Fallacies...
No Viking ever had a horned helmet.

The Godfather, Part II is often cited as the only sequel to win the
Academy Award for Best Picture. Not true. Silence of the Lambs
(sequel to Manhunter) shares that distinction.

Walt Disney's autograph bears no resemblance to the famous Disney
logo.

The widely held idea that lions and tigers live in Africa is untrue.
Only lions live in Africa—tigers don't. Their ranges do not overlap.

Despite what you might think, the sacrificial virgins in ancient
cultures weren't forced to kill themselves. They were volunteers. (In
fact, it was considered an honor to serve in that capacity.)

Most Americans erroneously believe that foreign aid is a significant
part of the U.S. budget. Actually, it represents less that one
percent of the budget, and most of that is spent within America's
borders (due to a law that requires aid be spent with U.S. companies
if possible).

Julius Caesar wasn't an emperor of Rome, though most people would say
otherwise. There were no emperors until after his death in 44 B.C.

English muffins aren't English.

Danishes aren't Danish.

Despite what you might see in movies and on TV, dinosaurs and humans
didn't co-exist. The death of the last dinosaur and the appearance of
the first "human" (genus homo) were separated by about 62 million
years.

The Canary Islands weren't named after the bird. That name is derived
from the original name, insulae canariae, meaning "island of dogs"
which referred to the wild dogs that inhabited the islands.

Hitler didn't snub Olympian Jesse Owens when he won four gold medals
in 1936. Owens was critical of writers who claimed Hitler snubbed
him. Owens said that when he passed the German leader, Hitler stood
and waved. Owens waved back.

The monkey wrench has nothing to do with primates. The distinctive
wrench got its name from its inventor, Charles Moncky.

Roasted peanuts aren't roasted. They are boiled in oil.

The Arctic isn't always cold, though you might suspect that's the
case. Summer temperatures in the Arctic Circle can reach 90 degrees
Fahrenheit.

Chinese checkers—the game played with marbles and a star-shaped board—
didn't come from China. It's a modern version of an English game
called Halma.

The word "forte," as in someone's strong suit, isn't pronounced "for-
tay." It's pronounced "fort." (Unless, of course, you're talking
about the musical term, pronounced "for-tay," meaning "loudly.")

The action in Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream, takes place
not in midsummer, but in the spring.

Cellophane isn't made of plastic as many believe, but from shredded
and aged plant fibers.

The French Horn isn't French. It's German.

Most people believe fajitas are of Mexican origin. Actually, most
Mexicans don't know what a fajita is—which makes sense, because the
food originated in France.

When in England, you're likely to see establishments with names
like "Ye Olde Tea Shoppe." Most folks pronounce "ye" as "yee,"
however, it should actually be pronounced like "the." The first
letter is not a "y" but a loose rendition of the Old English
character "thorn." The thorn is no longer in use, but was represented
by a character similar to "y."

Contrary to popular belief, Man is not the world's largest polluter.
A single volcanic eruption causes many, many times more atmosphere-
depleting pollution than we have throughout human history.

Russian dressing isn't Russian. It was first made in America.

Francis Scott Key, the man who wrote "The Star-Spangled Banner,"
wasn't a songwriter—he was a lawyer. (And he didn't write the music,
just the lyrics—the music was actually an old drinking song.)

Guerilla warfare has nothing to do with the animals—
gorillas. "Guerilla" comes from the Spanish, and means "little war."

Neither Florida nor Texas is the most southern state in the U.S.
Hawaii is the southernmost U.S. state.

Jesus' mother, Mary, was not the first woman to give birth as a
virgin. According to dogma, Zoroaster's mother achieved this same
feat 500 years earlier.

Despite what you might think, greyhounds aren't the fastest-running
dogs. Salukis are faster. (Pictured, right.)

Cold showers actually increase sexual arousal, despite that's
commonly believed.

Toadstools have nothing to do with toads. The fungi gets its name
from the German tod and stuhl, meaning "death stool," referring to
the poisonous nature of this mushroomlike plant.

"Hail to the Chief," the well-known song played for U.S. Presidents,
isn't an American song. It was written in England by Sir Walter Scott
and James Sanderson.

Ocean water isn't blue. Or green. Or any other color, for that
matter. It's clear. Oceans look blue or green because of the
reflections from the sky above or the vegetation below.

Hong Kong isn't a city. The city on Hong Kong island is actually
named Victoria.

Piggy banks weren't named after pigs, but rather, after a kind of
clay. That clay was called pygg, originally used to make jars in
which people saved money. In time, they were made in the shape of
pigs.

Though beavers live near rivers and lakes, they don't eat fish.

There is no such thing as "paper mache." No matter what you've heard,
the material (paper or paper pulp combined with a mixture of water
and flour or glue) is actually named papier-mâché.

Pirates didn't make people walk the plank. That convention didn't
exist before an 1887 Harper's Monthly illustration by pirate
enthusiast Howard Pyle.

Strange Trivia

Bank robber John Dillinger played professional baseball.

If you toss a penny 10000 times, it will not be heads 5000 times, but
more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the
bottom.

The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

The housefly hums in the middle octave, key of F.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

If your eyes are six feet above the surface of the ocean, the horizon
will be about three statute miles away.

The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford
English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural,
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.

Hydroxydesoxycorticosterone and hydroxydeoxycorticosterones are the
largest anagrams.

Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
los Angeles de Porciuncula."

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The band Duran Duran got their name from an astronaut in the 1968
Jane Fonda movie "Barbarella."

Cleo and Caesar were the early stage names of Cher and Sonny Bono.

Ben and Jerry's sends the waste from making ice cream to local pig
farmers to use as feed. Pigs love the stuff, except for one flavor:
Mint Oreo.

The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican
National Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the
maiden voyage of the RMS Titanic.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Dr. Samuel A. Mudd was the physician who set the leg of Lincoln's
assassin John Wilkes Booth...and whose shame created the expression
for ignominy, "His name is Mudd."

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War
II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Wilma Flintstone's maiden name was Wilma Slaghoopal, and Betty
Rubble's Maiden name was Betty Jean McBricker.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

The Ramses brand condom is named after the great pharaoh Ramses II
who fathered over 160 children.

If NASA sent birds into space they would soon die, they need gravity
to swallow.

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered
blood donors.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful
Life."

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up. The
frog throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of
its mouth. Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the
stomach's contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they
rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military
salute.

White Out was invented by the mother of Mike Nesmith (formerly of the
Monkees)

Sylvia Miles had the shortest performance ever nominated for an Oscar
with "Midnight Cowboy." Her entire role lasted only six minutes.

Charles Lindbergh took only four sandwiches with him on his famous
transatlantic flight.

Goethe couldn't stand the sound of barking dogs and could only write
if he had an apple rotting in the drawer of his desk.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if
the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.

Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only used
once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was Willy. The
skipper's real name on Gilligan's Island is Jonas Grumby. It was
mentioned once in the first episode on their radio's newscast about
the wreck.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured,
they could be soaked in water and unfolded to reveal a map for escape.

The "L.L." in L.L. Bean stands for Leon Leonwood.

Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been overmixing the
soap formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers
wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has
floated ever since.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building
it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that
falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors
for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

The saying "it's so cold out there it could freeze the balls off a
brass monkey" came from when they had old cannons like ones used in
the Civil War. The cannonballs were stacked in a pyramid formation,
called a brass monkey. When it got extremely cold outside they would
crack and break off... Thus the saying.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks
otherwise it will digest itself.

The Sanskrit word for "war" means "desire for more cows."

A walla-walla scene is one where extras pretend to be talking in the
background -- when they say "walla-walla" it looks like they are
actually talking.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon
features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout
the movie.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left
hand.

The Baby Ruth candy bar was actually named after Grover Cleveland's
baby daughter, Ruth.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

Armadillos have four babies at a time and they are always all the
same sex.

Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its
eyeballs -- it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

A group of unicorns is called a blessing.
Twelve or more cows are known as a "flink."
A group of frogs is called an army.
A group of rhinos is called a crash.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
A group of whales is called a pod.
A group of geese is called a gaggle.
A group of ravens is called a murder.
A group of officers is called a mess.
A group of larks is called an exaltation.
A group of owls is called a parliament.

Physicist Murray Gell-Mann named the sub-atomic particles known as
quarks for a random line in James Joyce, "Three quarks for Muster
Mark!"

The phrase "sleep tight" derives from the fact that early mattresses
were filled with straw and held up with rope stretched across the
bedframe. A tight sleep was a comfortable sleep.

"Three dog night" (attributed to Australian Aborigines) came about
because on especially cold nights these nomadic people needed three
dogs (dingos, actually) to keep from freezing.

Strange & Useless Facts

4,000 people are injured by tea pots every year.

A 60-minute cassette contains 565 feet of tape.

A coat hanger is forty-four inches long if straightened.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

A good typist can strike twenty keys in a second.

A person uses more household energy shaving with a hand razor at a
sink (because of the water power, the water pump and so on) than he
would by using an electric razor.

A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove.

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans

A typical double mattress contains as many as two million house dust
mites.

A wedding ring is generally exempt by law from inclusion among the
assets in a bankruptcy estate. That means that a wedding ring can't
be seized by creditors, no matter how much the bankrupt person owes.

According to a market research survey done some time ago, 68% of
consumers receiving junk mail actually open the envelopes.

According to one study, 24% of lawns have some sort of lawn ornament.

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the back of the $5 bill.

All hospitals in Singapore use Pampers diapers.

Aluminum is strong enough to support 90,000 pounds per square inch.

An average of 200 million credit cards are used every day in the
United States.

Approximately 30 billion cakes of Ivory Soap had been manufactured by
1990.

As of 1983, an average of three billion Christmas cards were sent
annually in the United States.

At the height of inflation in Germany in the early 1920s, one U.S.
dollar was equal to 4 quintillion German marks.

Avery Laser Labels are named after company founder R. Stanton Avery.

Colgate faced a big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking
countries. Colgate translates into the command "go hang yourself."

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts -
Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

Each of the suits on a deck of cards represents the four major
pillars of the economy in the middle ages: heart represented the
Church, spades represented the military, clubs represented
agriculture, and diamonds represented the merchant class.

Each of us generate 5 pounds of rubbish a day; most of it is paper.

Strange One Liners :
Those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of
payments.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Death to all fanatics!

Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies

Graffiti Written on The Bathroom Wall

"If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's
all get wasted together and have the time of our lives." -- Armand's
Pizza. Washington, D.C.

"God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?" --The Irish Times.
Washington, D.C.

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." -- The Bayou,
Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

Here i am broken hearted,
paid a penny and only farted,
Here I am young and artful,
got in free and did a cartfull !!!

Beauty is only a light switch away.
(Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.)

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
(Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.)

There once was a woman from Nizes,
with tits of two different sizes.
One was so small it was nothing at all...
and the other was so big it won prizes!

Eagles may soar, but Weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!!!

"The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

One day I shall burst my buds of calm and blossom into hysteria.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM
longer?

Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her crap.
Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra *
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

Under a sign that said
"Employees Must Wash Hands,"
someone scribbled:
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.

On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire
performance.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war.- Hell, do both, get married!
* Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.

Fart loud if you love Jesus!

God is dead. -Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. -God
* The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

Happiness is Coming.

Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus

Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
* Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

I sit here and contemplate
Should I shit or masturbate

"I feel so strongly about toilet graffiti, I signed a partition."

"I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER!"
to which someone else wrote:
"GO HOME DAD YOU'RE DRUNK!"

Express Lane: Five beers or less
* Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Pheonix, AZ.

(written high upon the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.

We aim to please! You aim too! Please!

Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!

You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, * Ed Debevic's. Beverly
Hills, CA.

No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, * Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills,
CA."

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all
owned by cats."

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is having sex.

The only difference between pink and purple is the tightness of your
grip.

If the dove is the bird of peace, then bird of true love must be the
swallow.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

The Fifth Comandment should be "Thou shall not admit adultry"

Any asshole can piss on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling!

Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

"Laugh and the world laughs with you,"
"Snore and you sleep alone."

If you sprinkle
When you tinkle
Please be neat
And wipe the seat.
**From a ladies room somewhere in Pennsylvania......

"Richard Nixon should pull out before it's too late, just like his
father should've."
**Humanities Hall, second floor, men's room, U.C. Irvine, early to
middle 1970's.

Here I sit In Noxious Vapor
Someone has used all the paper
I'm late for class I cannot linger
Look out ass Here comes my finger.
**Ballantine Hall, IU-Bloomington

"Don't look now but you've got your best friend by the neck"
**In front of urinal at Baked in Telluride

" If black is beuatiful, I just shit a masterpiece"

Why can't we just all get a bong...
**From the restroom of Maggie Mae's, 6th St., Austin TX.

Nixon did for America what pantyhose did for finger fucking....

Eat shit!
1.9 trillion flies (estimated population of flies) can't be ALL
wrong.

This toilettpaper is like Clint Eastwood,
though and hard, and takes no shit.

"My mother made me a whore"
and someone had added:
"If I give her the yarn, will she make me one too?"

Graffiti next to the toilet paper:
"UT degree - please take one"
**Location: University of Austin, Texas.

Life's like a pubic hair on toilet bowl - you soon get pissed off

If mens brains were as big as their balls
there would be a lot less writing on toilet walls.

Remember - more than three shakes is a wank

No matter how much you shake your peg
The last drop always runs down your leg

"Don't throw cigarette butts in the urinal, as it makes them soggy
and hard to light."

Marx didn't know that Bismarck would invent unemployment insurance. -
Dwinelle Hall, U.C. Berkeley

When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like grandfather.
Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

ANAL INTERCOURSE IS FOR ASSHOLES

"Jesus saves souls, and turns them in for fabulous cash prizes!"
**Crown & Anchor, Austin, Tx.

"Kirk Out"
**Written above a urinal, Gingerman, Austin, Tx.

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
(followed by)
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

"668, the neighbor of the beast"
**Crown & Anchor, Austin, Tx.

"Save the whales - collect the whole set"
**Crown & Anchor, Austin, Tx.

People who write on bathroom walls
Roll their shit into little balls.
Those who read their words of wit,
eat those little balls of shit.

"JESUS SAVES "
and underneath someone wrote in pencil
"Gretsky rebounds...wrap-around..He shoots, he scores."

urine the bathroom.
urine trouble.
Look what a mess urine.

"For a good time, call ###-#### and ask for Mary.
For a BAD time, tell Mary where you got this number."

As you sit to take a shit
Rest a while and think a bit,
The last time that I beat my meat,
Was on this very toilet seat.

"Stand close. It's shorter than you think."

some very small writing on the bottom of the door
" If you can read this,
you're shitting at a 45 degree angle!!

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line,
the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.

Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these
words:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."

In the men's room at a Burger King restaurant:
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit.
It only takes Burger King 10 minutes.

Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim
properly.

Everybody pisses on the floor.
Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.

(written above a urinal)
Why are you looking up here? Are you ashamed of it?

Some people come here to take a shit,
I come here to leave one.

Don't look now! you're pissing on your neighbors foot

Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

OVAL OFFICE LIVE CAM

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

These two have been through a lot of shit together.
My two ass cheeks.

Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.

Vote Republican - You Ass Holes Deserve It

Will Work for Sex

"$1.49 - All You Can Eat"
(with an arrow pointing down into the toilet)

While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You've one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left.
(You look left and it reads:)
Look Right.
(You look right and it reads:)
Look Left…

Thoughts for the day...and night...

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

College is just one big party, with a $25,000 cover charge.

Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.

Gravity...it's not just a good idea. It's the law.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of
course, I want to stay employed.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my inner
sociopath.

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels
of suspicion and paranoia.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and
complain.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward
me in many ways to keep me quiet.

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.

I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not
nearly as gratifying.

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do
nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice
things.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll
find someone.

I will find humour in my everyday life by looking for people I can
laugh at.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Excuses and opinions are like butts everyone's got 'em and they all
stink.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the
statue.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

IF Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward
me in many ways to keep me quiet.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Hope that it is not your sole purpose in life to simply serve as a
warning to others.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.

The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.

The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little
extra.

Spotted on the back of a Tee shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: "If you
see me running, try to keep up."

You have the right to remain silent anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Don't you think it's unnerving that doctors call what they
do "Practice"?

Did you ever notice that Evian bottled water is Naive spelled
backwards? Think about it.....

The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but
it still has to be mowed.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Brilliant Lines

1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.

3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9) I'm already visualizing the masking tape over your mouth.

10)Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely
ceremonial.

14) No, my powers can only be used for good.

15) How about never? Is never good for you?

16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to
worship me.

17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level
I'm really quite busy.

24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.

28)I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

29)Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I
thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

30)My reality check bounced.

31)On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Actual Bumper Stickers!!

* The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
* If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
* Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* Born free... taxed to death.
* The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* All men are idiots ... I married their king.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted: telepath. You know where to apply.
* Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
* I.R.S. We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
* Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* Life's a buffet... so eat me!
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
* Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
* Spotted owl tastes just like chicken.
* Hang up and drive.
* Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
* Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
* WARNING! Driver only carries $20 in ammunition
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car.
* Tow-ers will be violated.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
* Lord save me from your followers.
* Meat is yummy!
* Mean people rule!
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
* Born again pagan.
* God must love stupid people, he made so many.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
* Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
* My kid beat up your honor student!
* Save a mouse... Eat pussy!
* P.E.T.A. people eating tasty animals
* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS.
* Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
* Wink, I'll do the rest!
* Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
* I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
* When there's a will, I want to be in it!
* Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
* I love animals...they're delicious.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
* Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
* Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
* People say I have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall
down. No problem!
* Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
* We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
* A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
* Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
* Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* i souport publik edekasion
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find
a rock.
* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
particles.
* I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
* Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
* I (heart) your wife/daughter/mother
* I Brake for Hookers
* Support Mental Health or I will KILL YOU!

Society's Burning Questions

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up
with,

"Quit while you're ahead?"

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming
for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons
and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put
their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for
them while they delivered the mail?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of
portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is
he still wrong?

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

The Emmy award isn't named after a person. Emmy is a variation of
Immy, a nickname for the image orthicon tube (and early TV camera
tube).

Young people are robbed more often than older people. Who knew?

The Titanic wasn't a British ship. The English operated it, but it
was owned by the International Mercantile Marine Co., controlled by
U.S. magnate J.P. Morgan.

The Japanese didn't fire the first shot at Pearl Harbor. Just before
sunrise on December 7, 1941, the U.S. destroyer Ward located a two-
man midget submarine making its way toward Pearl Harbor—the Ward sank
it and thus fired the first shot at Pearl Harbor.

Though people think otherwise, there is no law requiring that a
justice on the Supreme Court be a lawyer.

Abe Lincoln never slept in the Lincoln Bedroom.

You might be surprised to learn that not all penguins like cold
weather. The Jackass Penguin lives in temperate areas of South Africa.

Mules (the result of breeding a male donkey with a female horse)
can't reproduce. Male mules are born sterile, as are female mules
(except in rare cases).

The evening star isn't a star. That "star" that appears over the
western horizon shortly after sunset is actually either Venus or
Mercury reflecting the sun's light.

Film directors don't yell, "Lights, camera, action!" That phrase
hasn't been used in some time. In the old days, lights were
unpredictable and had to be turned off regularly to cool. Now, the
phrase is, "Roll sound. Roll camera. Action." (The assistant director
says the first two parts. By the way, only the director
says, "Action.")

The United States was not founded as a democracy, but rather, as a
republic.

It's not illegal to remove the tag from a mattress. The tag, "Remove
under penalty of law," only applies to retailers, not consumers.

Olympic gold medals aren't gold. They're gold-plated silver.

That song favored by piano students, Chopsticks, has nothing to do
with the Chinese eating utensils. The name comes from the actions of
the two fingers when the song is played—like chopping sticks with an
axe.

The names we know for the Marx brothers weren't their real names.
Their real names were Leonard (Chico), Herbert (Zeppo), Julius
(Groucho) and Arthur (Harpo).

The pupil of the eye isn't black. It's actually clear. The black we
see is the darkness of the inside of the eye.

The laughing jackass isn't a jackass. It's a bird, the kookaburra.

Although it's widely accepted as fact, slaves didn't build the
Egyptian pyramids. In truth, local farmers were drafted into service
at certain times of the year when the Nile was flooded (and farming
was impossible, anyway). Workers were paid.

The "red" in Moscow's Red Square has nothing to do with Communism.
The square takes its name from the word krasnaya, which translates as
both "beautiful" and "red."

Kilts aren't a Scottish invention, no matter what you might think.
They originally came from France.

Coney Island isn't an island.

Michael J. Fox's middle name is Andrew.

The Pennsylvania Dutch aren't Dutch—they're German.

The silkworm isn't a worm—it's a caterpillar.

Picasso wasn't the artist's real name. His real name was Pablo Diego
José Francisco do Paula Juan Nepomuceno Cipriano de la Santissima
Trinidad. Picasso was his mother's name.

Sugarplums, often mentioned around the holidays, aren't plums.
They're hard candy.

Noon isn't supposed to be 12 o'clock. Noon comes from the Latin word
nona, which means the ninth hour after sunrise (about 3 p.m.).

Most people incorrectly believe bees are solely responsible for
fertilizing flowers, but actually flies (60,000 species of them)
fertilize 80% of all flowers.

Elephants don't actually eat peanuts in the wild. They have to be
taught to like them.

The sound you hear when you hold a seashell to your ear isn't coming
from the shell. The sound is that of the blood coursing through your
ear.

Boston College isn't in Boston. It's in Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts.

A horned toad isn't a toad. It's a lizard.

Two-by-fours don't measure two inches by four inches. Rather, they're
1 1/2 inches by 3 1/2 inches.

Despite what you've heard, smokers don't have "nicotine-stained"
fingers. Actually, nicotine is colorless. Tar is the real culprit.

The pineapple has nothing to do with pines or apples. They're
actually a berry.

"We don't need no stinking badges," was never uttered in the film,
Treasure of the Sierra Madre, no matter how often you hear it
misquoted that way. The line was, "Badges? We ain't got no badges. We
don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinking badges."

For the Dutch, Rice Krispies don't "snap, crackle, pop." Instead,
it's "pif, paf, pof."

Karl Marx, the founder of Russian Communism, was never in Russia in
his life.

Every year, over 8,800 people injure themselves with a toothpick.

Grandpa's Advice

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important
information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or
the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is
a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives,
the special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend
weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted
because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing
his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel
in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was only 12 . We
were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying
a beautiful spring day.

He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.
"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

...Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


Odd facts...
The two-foot long bird called a Kea that lives in New Zealand likes
to eat the strips of rubber around car windows.

More than 2500 left-handed people a year are killed from using
products made for right handed people.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds.

Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

The Earth weighs around 6,588,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 tons.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you
realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because
the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction
of the bubbles.

2. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks
the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

3. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6
feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from
the flush.

4. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for
blood plasma.

5. American car horns beep in the tone of F.

6. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

8. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.

9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age
or older.

11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

13. A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first
flight.

14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive
from each salad served in first-class.

15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in
the USA."

17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the
morning.

18. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of
varieties of pickles the company once had.

19. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

20. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

21. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.

22. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

23. Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on
a Pez dispenser.

24. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of
the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

25. Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion
but was talked out of it by her doctor.

26. Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

27. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being
seen wearing them in public.

28. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

29. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands
in jelly.

30. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

31. Pearls melt in vinegar.

32. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a
year's supply of footballs.

33. Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating
are already married.

34. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca
Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

35. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

36. Average life span of a major league baseball: seven pitches.

37. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

38. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days
when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on
the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

39. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name
contains all the letters from the word "criminal."

40. The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

Unlikely Product Endorsements

1. Lorena Bobbit: Ginsu steak knives

2. K.K.K.: Burlington Mills fitted sheets

3. Hillary Clinton: Merrill Lynch commodities brokerage services

4. Jeffery Dahmer: A-1 Steak Sauce

5. Rabbi Liebowitz: Armour Star bacon

6. Bill Clinton: Century 21 real estate

7. Rodney King: Panasonic video cameras

8. Michael Jackson: Sears line of childrens' sleep wear

9. Dan Quayle: Merriam Webster Dictionary

10. Spike Lee: Premier Video's Amos 'N Andy Film Marathon

11. Natalie Wood: Bass Pro Shop life jackets

12. Dolly Parton: The Wonder Bra

13. Ralph Nader: Radio Shack Radar Detectors

14. Helen Keller: Universal Picture's Silent Film Festival

15. Steven King: Golden Books childrens' books

16. Mike Tyson: Elesium Field's Sensitivity Training Seminars

17. Karl Maldon: American Board of Plastic Surgery

18. NAACP: Tupilo Mississippi Watermelon Festival

19. John Brady: The Bianca Cup Pistol Competition

20. Sylvester Stallone: Hollywood Speech Therapy Clinics

21. Argentine National Rugby Team: Tyson Frozen Foods

22. Sharon Stone: Hanes Her Way underwear

23. Branadon Lee: Remington brand blank pistol cartridges

24. O. J. Simpson: Isotoner gloves, Buck Knives, or Ford Broncos

25. Peewee Herman: London Fog trench coats

26. Lyle Lovett: Brylcream

27. George Wallace: The United Negro College Fund

28. Pope John Paul II: Sex Wax ski products

29. David Crosby: The "Just Say No" campaign

30. Tonya Harding: The Club

31. Stevie Wonder: Sony Watchman

32. Madonna: Maidenform bras

33. Mrs. Smith: Playschool infant car seats

34. Willie Nelson: H & R Block

35. Joyclin Elders: Eveready Batteries

36. Buddy Holly: Delta Airlines

37. Ice T: The Policemens' Benevolent Association

38. Bob Dole: The Annual World Federation of Arm Wrestling Contest

39. Tom and Roseanne Arnold: Marriage Encounter

40. The Society of Friends (Quakers): HBO's Jean Claud Van Damme Film
Festival

41. Sean "Puffy" Combs: Smith & Wesson

Flying Tips and Observations

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing!
(Sign over the entrance to the SR-71 operating location Kadena AFB,
Japan.)

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.
(Paul F. Crickmore - test pilot)

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

From an old carrier sailor -
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky.

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.

When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.

Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If
a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Never trade luck for skill.

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh Shit!"

Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.

Progress in airline flying; now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant.

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight.

A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication.

I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.

Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!

Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries

Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything
about it.

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.

Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
held on a sunny day.

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slowly and gently as possible.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you.
(Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot)

A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
its maximum.
(Jon McBride, astronaut)

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible.
(Bob Hoover - renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it; ride the
bastard down.
(Ernest K. Gann, author & aviator)

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
(Sign over squadron operations desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970.)

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and,
a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few
opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the
same time.
(Author unknown, but someone who's been there)

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there.

You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal.

Guide to Real Estate Terms

To spare others from dashed hopes, shattered dreams, and tired feet,
here is a guide to familiar real-estate ad phrases.

Charming - Tiny. Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would
have to find their own place. See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good
Starter Home."

Much Potential - Grim. Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and
believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities.
See "Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."

Unique City Home - Used to be a warehouse.

Hi-Tech/Contemporary - Lots of steel shelving with little holes - the
kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.

Daring Design - Still a warehouse.

Completely Updated - Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or
vice versa.

Sophisticated - Black walls and no windows. See "Architect's Delight."

One-Of-A-Kind - Ugly as sin.

Brilliant Concept - Do you really need a two-story live oak in your
30-foot sky dome? See "Makes Dramatic Statement."

Upper Bracket - If you have to ask . . .

You'll Love It - No, you won't.

Must See To Believe - An absolutely accurate statement.

While a trip to the hospital is rarely pleasant, here are some tips
to help you prepare for the experience:

* Before entering a hospital for treatment, weigh your holistic
health-care options against your wish to actually get better.

* If you have a wok at home, it's a good idea to get some bedpan
practice before the pressure is on.

* Some drugs react violently with alcohol; some don't. Ask around.

* If you are going to the hospital for treatment of a severed limb,
remember to bring the limb.

* Bring your regular medications with you to the hospital. God only
knows where the hospital finds theirs.

* Read a couple of Newsweek articles about your condition. This
information will allow you to second-guess your doctor's every move.

* Be forewarned: Hospitals apply a vast mark-up to the items in the
in-room minibars.

* Wear clothing that is loose-fitting and comfortable, yet
appropriate to bleed in.

* If you behave like a brave little soldier, you may be offered ice
cream.

* Whatever you do, don't check into any facility called "General
Hospital." That place is full of back-stabbing, narcissistic
lunatics.

* Pack several extra pairs of slippers. Slippers in the hospital are
like cigarettes in prison.

* Before knocking out an intern and stealing his uniform, make sure
he's your size.

* Many patients complain that hospitals cut their stay short. Don't
be coerced into signing out until you're dilated to 10 cm and the
baby's head can be seen.

* Bring $500 in fives to "grease the wheels," if you get my meaning.
The good mashed potatoes.

* If bruised, find a hospital known to have a good bruise ward.

* Keep in mind that, today, many procedures can be performed on an
outpatient basis. Some can even be done outside.

* When you arrive at your hospital room, decide which item you'd be
willing to accept as the final thing you see on this earth.

Strange Bumper Stickers

Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.

Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.

If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.

Drive defensively, buy a tank.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to
fix.

Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--

Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded.

Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.

It doesn't matter how hard you've studied;

the material won't be on the exam anyway.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.

If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement
anyway.

Reality is a figment of your imagination.

Life is just one of those things.

Don't use force; use a bigger hammer.

Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!

You know it's going to be a bad day

when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.

I can handle pain until it hurts.

It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.

Live teddy bears are best.

Nothing is illegal until you get caught.

The ultimate reason is "because."

I'm objective; I object to everything.

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it??

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.

I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.

Never give a sucker an even break; take everything you can from him.

Millions of years ago, man climbed out of the slime.

You want to join the party?

Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.

It's only a game until you lose.

If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given him rabbit
ears.

Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.

Fine day to work off excess energy, steal something heavy.

If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

Everything is unimportant in some way.

Life is a terminal disease.

Your lucky color has faded.

Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!

Yeah, there's a lot of stress here, but I'm not straining.

How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing?

The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it.

No matter where you go; you're there.

Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy -not with
others, but with yourself.

Love isn't love until you give it away.

Don't take me literally.

Nothing is ever 100%

I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I
snore.

I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.

I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.

If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens
next week!

If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored.

It's not just reality that matters.

Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns.

The unexamined life is not worth living.

You can't dream too much; you can't do enough to make your dreams
come true.

Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it.


The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.

Avoid reality at all costs.

Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.

Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.

Save the whales, collect the whole set.

If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

90% of everything is crud.

LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.

Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.

Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.

Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.

Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.

If all else fails, throw up.

Do we know that life has a cause?

No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.

Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.

Fun is just point of view.

If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.

If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it?

My rules apply only to other people, not myself.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

It's only hopeless if you walk away.

Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.

Imagination is the foundation of reality.

Life is a glitch in the universal program;

death is just the programmer's way of debugging.

The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away.

Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch.

Everything is possible; just not too probable.

Since when is talking a sign of thinking?

Looking to God for answers is premature.

I like quality, not quantity.

Why should I grow up? This is more fun!

I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and

madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out.

Reality is all a point of view.

Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.

Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex.

Hugs don't feel as good on the computer.

Speak softly, but carry an M16.

Change a life; make someone feel important.

Don't let schooling get in the way of your education
.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.

Your type doesn't stay around long enough to stay your type.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil,
for I am the meanest sonofabitch in the valley.

Consider yourself hugged.

Just take a cold shower and sleep it off.

In theory, everything works.

Life is recursive.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming
train.

Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two
or more.

Repetition is always better the second time.

Clever is getting out alive.

Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid.

Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.

Death is the consequence of being alive.

Life's a beach, and then you drown.

Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.

Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday. (Rule of Weekend Studying)

Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.

Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.

People who think they know what they're doing

are especially annoying to those of us who do.

Have a nice day . . . somewhere else.

Was today really necessary?

Life without bears would be unbearable.

Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.

I've no time to prepare a profound message.

Life is too important to be taken seriously.

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core . . .I like that in
a person.

Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one
out.

It's been Monday all week.

When all else fails, lower your standards.

I'm surrounded by idiots!

Do unto others before they do unto you.

Why be normal?

I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.

Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent.

If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.

I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.

I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do.

Never trust a nun with a gun.

It's an IBM; it's got an excuse.

Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.

No matter how bad a situation is, if you can't laugh at it, you are
in really deep shit.

Never go into a hug off balance.

Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.

Cute and interesting are two different things.

If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we
give?

Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful.

It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.

Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks.

If life's a trip, then where's my ticket?

IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes on.

I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble.

If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively.

A kibble is one thousand nibbles.

Having a good time can be deadly.

Reality is only fantasy gone stale.

Be good; if you can't be good, forget it!

If you can't go first class, charge it.

Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.

Be fruit fly and multiple.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of
them.

Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our
problems?

I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.

Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.

I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from
lying.

If you can't be weird, why be?

It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.

Gravity always gets me down.

I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me
anyway.

I'm serious; it was a joke.

Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit.

If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it.

If I can't fix it, it ain't broken.

I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.

Now that I've finally got my act together,

I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it.

I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was
dirty.

This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be
dead.

For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.

I'm not a creep; I'm actually a wonderful person

hiding inside the body of a creep.

I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a
lunatic.

Being good at being stupid doesn't count.

Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.

You can't be late until you show up.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room
temperature.

I just love nonverbal communication!

If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in
learning it.

You've gotta' die in creative ways.

They keep saying the right person will come along;

I think mine got hit by a truck.

Get out of my reality!

If it's not nailed down, it's fair game.

It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal?

Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.

It's not when you get up, but when you get down.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind;

it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.

Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.

To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.

Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy.

Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
fake?

When in doubt, use brute force.

Famous Last Words

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." Popular
Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a
fad that won't last out the year." The editor in charge of business
books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

"But what ... is it good for?" Engineer at the Advanced Computing
Systems Division of IBM 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." Ken
Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,
1977.

This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to
us." Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's
associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in
the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a "C," the idea must be feasible." A Yale University
management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing
reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal
Express Corp.

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner
Brothers, 1927.

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper." Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading
role in "Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports
say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you
make." Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields'
Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this." Spencer
Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It"
Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our
salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we
went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You
haven't got through college yet.'" Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve
Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve
Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and
reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against
which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily
in high schools." 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert
Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across
all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You
just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable
condition of weight training." Response to Arthur Jones, who solved
the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy." Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his
project to drill for oil in 1859.

"I think there's a world market for about five computers." Thomas J
Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM.

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.

"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed."
Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific
advances." Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father
of television.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H.
Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

Speaking of airlines...
On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where
you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking
out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising
altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your
comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt;
and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be
out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your
mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more
than one small child, pick your favorite."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault,
it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo
bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He
said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing
and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant
accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing.
You should see the back of mine!"

Strange Bumper Stickers


The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and
Tsarina, so clearly their children were called Tsardines.
Students may like nitrates, they're cheaper than day rates.
New with a K in front is a Canoe.
He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O.
Little rivers which run into the Nile, Juveniles.
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road
when one of them was assaulted?
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
distance.
When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask?
Well, last year I think it was a Tuesday.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone,
but they've always worked for me.
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a
call.
Had this been an actual emergency, we would
have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Cautious: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
Paul Revere was a tattle-tail.
Monday is an awful was to spend 1/7 of your life.
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo.

Impeach the Clintons
Friends don't Let Friends Vote Republican
Bill Clinton Doesn't Inhale - He Sucks.
Vote Republican - You Ass Holes Deserve It
First Hillary, then Gennifer, Now Us.
Vote Republican - Its Easier Than Thinking
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.
No Matter Where You Go, There You Are.
My Child Can Beat Up Your Honor Student.
Don't Laugh - Your Daughter Might Be In Here. (On Old Truck)
Cats Flattened While You Watch.
I May Be Fat but You're Ugly - and I Can Lose Weight.
Stamp Out Crime - Abolish the IRS
Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.
Just say no to sexist Pro-Lifers.
My Other Car is a Broom.
"Happiness is your Mother-In-Law's
Picture on the Back of a Milk Carton"
Quit Sniveling.
Stupid People Shouldn't Breed.
Kissing a Smoker is like Licking an Ashtray
"It will be a great day when our schools get
all the money they need and the air force
has to hold a bake sale to buy a bomber."
Not All Men are Fools. Some are Bachelors.
Happiness is Coming.
Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?
Husbands Are Proof That Women Have a Sense of Humor.
Forget the Whales, Save the Cowboy.
Eat American Lamb. Ten Million Coyotes Can't be Wrong.
"If You Call Some Animals Pets, How Can
You Call Other Animals Dinner?"
I'm From the Government. I'm Here to Help You.
Blood Sun Earth
Old Skiers Never Die. They Just go Downhill.
Nuke Gay Whales for Jesus.
Money Isn't Everything, But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
Disarm Rapists
Commit Random Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty
Happiness is the Ball in the Fairway.
Have You Hugged Your Stockbroker Today?
Avoid The Rush - Hate Texas Early
My Karma just ran over your Dogma.
My Mother was a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips
Hug Your Kids at Home and Belt Them in the Car.
I brake for Hallucinations.
Flag Worship is Idolatry.
Illiterate? Call This Number for Help...
Welcome to Colorado - Now Go Home
If You Love Jesus Tithe - Any Fool Can Honk
I'm OK. You're So-So.
Will Rogers Never Met Howard Cosell.
Smile - Its The Second Best Thing you can do with Your Lips.
"Telling an Old Person He's Useless
Is Abortion on the Other End"
Scixelsyd Etinu. [Read Backwards]
Use Caution in Passing - Driver Chewing Tobacco
If Men Could Have Abortions, It Would Be a Sacrament
Jesus Saves...String.
Will Work for Sex
Ask First If The Animal Wants To Be Killed
Your Mother's Choice was Pro-Life. [Waah...]
Don't Honk - I'm Pedaling as Fast as I Can
If You Can Read This Bumper Sticker, You're In Range
This Vehicle Swerves and Hits Pedestrians at Random
Black Holes Suck.
"Help Stamp Out Bumper Stickers."

A Letter from Camp...
Dear Mom and Dad,

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is
making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV
and worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags
got washed away.


Luckily, none of us drowned because we were all up on the mountain
looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother
and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to
ride in one of the Search and Rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never
would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without
telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire
so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a
fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but
one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look
weird until his hair grows back.



We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.
It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we
left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect
something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance
on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty,
and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets
pretty hot with ten people in a car. He let us take turns riding in
the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In
fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive
on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see
up there are logging trucks.



This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming
out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't
swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let
us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see
some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb
isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the
life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not
to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first
aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got
to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster
Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover
chicken.



I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy
bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,
Your son


P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

Kentucky Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will
support a 10 pound possum. 
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed
on blocks in your front yard?
A. '66 Ford Fairlane
B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C. '70 Plymouth Roadrunner
D. '73 Ford Pinto Station Wagon 
3. If your uncle builds a moonshine still that operates at a capacity
of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary
to condense the product? 
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2,700 rpm. The
density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.
The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14
inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees? 
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 
6. A front porch on a trailer is constructed of 2x8 half rotted pine
on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet
and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn
pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 
7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow
with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the
children place a mobile home on the man's land? 
8. A 6 ton log skidder is overloaded and proceeding down a steep
grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the
average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will
swerve to avoid the log skidder before it crashes at the bottom of
the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved
will have mufflers and uncracked windshields? 
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous area.
The mine employs 120 miners per shift. How many cartons of unfiltered
Camels will be smoked during the shift? 
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per
generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by
the Interstate to breed a country-western singer? 

The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city
newspapers. 
  Illiterate? Write today for free help. 
  Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again. 
  Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals,
and smacks included. 
  Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. 
  Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel. 
  Stock up and save. Limit: one. 
  Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. 
  3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred. 
  Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for
efficient beating. 
  Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue
Cross and salary. 
  Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children
$2.00 
  For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers. 
  Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair
to take home, too. 
  We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by
hand. 
  For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. 
  Great Dames for sale. 
  Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful
condition. 
  Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it. 
  Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. 
  Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours. 
  Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast. 
  For Rent: 6-room hated apartment. 
  Man, honest. Will take anything. 
  Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first. 
  Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person. 
  Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential. 
  Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink. 
  Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops. 
  Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume
general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to
growth of family. 
  And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience. 
  We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for
$1.00. 
 

Computer viruses to look out for...
Janet Jackson virus........pops up suddenly during your office break.

Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your
computer.

Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte.

Prozac virus.............Screws up your RAM but your processor
doesn't care.

Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch
floppy.

Woody Allen virus...............By-passes the motherboard and turns
on a daughter card.

Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty
desktop.

AT&T virus............Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service
you are getting.

MCI virus............Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're
paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.

Viagra virus.......Expands your hard drive while putting too much
pressure on your zip drive.

Then there is the Clinton PC. It has a six inch hard drive and no
memory.

Bumper stickers:
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Worry, God knows all about you.
- Frank Warmerdam
Jesus is coming, look busy!
- Alan Bennett
Jesus loves you! (everyone else thinks you're an asshole!)
- Scott Mays
JESUS SAVES... But Gretzky gets the rebound, he shoots, he SCORES!!
- Scott Mays
I've found Jesus... He's in my trunk
- anonymous
Suicide is a way of telling God 'you can't fire me, I QUIT!'
-Todd Rudolph
I have nothing against god, it's his followers that I can't stand
-Brian E. Aronson
Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over
-Alex Grushow
Geez if you belive in honkus.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- Letitia Yao
I FOUND JESUS...he's in the truck of my car...you can see him for
five dollars.
Born again pagan.
- Letitia Yao
God, please protect me from your followers.
- Russ Bergs
God is living in Canada and doesn't want to get involved!
- Russ Bergs

Do I look like a Hemroid? Then get off my ass
-William Mount
Backoff I'm a postal worker.
-William Mount
Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you.
-Alfred Stoffels
Now that you are on my ass you wanna get married?
-Eddie Walters
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call a cop!
-Christina Ramer
I'm not tailgaiting I'm drafting!
- anonymous
I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinada
- Stephanie Martin
If you can read this, your to close. (Written in brail)
- Josh Walters
If you can read this, you're in phaser range
- Dan Hecker
Too Close for Missiles, Switching to Guns
- Mike Kleiner
Do Not Tailgate. Or I Will Flick a Booger on Your windshield!
- anonymous
I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL!
- Sarah Rhodes

Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
- Scot Colburn
This car protected by a pissed off mother with a .45 auto.
-Colobus Martin
Hold on before you pass, I'm reloading.
-Colobus Martin
I have PMS and a gun.....excuse me, did you have something to say?
-Lisa Kennedy
Happiness is an automatic weapon with a belt feed
- Kevin Kilbey
Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition
- Many People
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!
- Jennifer Lipori
This car protected by Smith & Wesson
- Andrea Curry
Fight crime, shoot back
- Remy Barnes
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their
children
- Nancy Lutz
Gun control means using both hands!
- Barry Bean
Gun control is being able to hit your target
- Alex Grushow
Guns don't kill people, they just make it easier
- Skylar Sutton

My karma ran over your dogma.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
- Many different people
Caution! Driver's applying make-up
- anonymous
CAUTION : Driver Singing
- Andrea Curry
The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere
- anonymous
Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
- Stephanie Martin
FORGET ABOUT WORLD PEACE...VISUALIZE USING YOUR TURN SIGNAL
- Letitia Yao
If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt
- Kevin Streit
Hang up and drive
- Jenne Erin
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. . . Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car
- Many people
Evacuate the road!!! STUDENT driving!!
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
It was only a lane change!
-Susan Montgomery
I drive this way just to piss you off.
-Eddie Walters
Go on speeding, we'll cut you out (of your car ) -- Your Fire Dept.
-Alfred Stoffels
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
-Alfred Stoffels
Get in. Sit down. Shut up. Hang on.
-Dawn M Nyht
Caution I swerve and hit people at random.
-Eddie Walters
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Lost your cat? Look under my tires
- Eddie Grant
<----Passing Side / Suicide---->
Hang up and drive
- Jennepher Barnes
I wonder how you'd drive with that car phone shoved up your ass?
- Larry Pittman

Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I Cayman went.
Wisconsin: Smell our dairy air!
-Carol Ann Asiala
WELCOME TO IDAHO. NOW GO BACK TO CALIFORNIA
- Kris Fye
If Texas is so great, what are you doing in New Mexico?
- Sarah Reinhardt

DAMM - Drunks Against Mad Mothers
-Adrian Mongeli
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in
the morning
- anonymous
A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without
holding on
- Keith Fisher
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of
grass and not fall off the earth.
Don't drink and drive--if you hit a bump you spill your beer
- David Elmer
If I'm driving funny its probably becuase I'm drunk.
- Alastair
Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Letitia Yao
I have a problem with drinking... two hands and only one mouth
- Ignacio Aspiazul

Honk if you hate noise pollution
-Gurmukh Mongia
Clap one hand if you love Budda
-Greg Bishopp
Honk if you don't give a damn
- anonymous
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
- anonymous
Honk if you love cheeses.
Honk if you're illiterate
Honk if the twins fall out
- Jennepher Barnes
Honk if parts fall off!
- Tom Andrecht

Mafia staff car.
-Alfred Stoffels
MY OTHER TARDIS IS A POLICE BOX
- Wesle Dymoke
My other car is a Zamboni
- Andrea Curry
My other car is Christine, and she's right behind you!
- David Brown
My wife's other car is a broom.
- Sandra Hill
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Do Not Wash - this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test.
-Dawn M Nyht
Yah it stinks and is giving you a headache it's a desil
-anonymous
This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!
- Susan Lee Rivas

We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
I got this motorhome for my wife....BEST deal I ever made!
- anonymous
LOVE: TWO VOWELS, TWO CONSONANTS, TWO FOOLS
- Letitia Yao
Dad's the boss. Right Mommy?
- Brian Gugala

THE GENE POOL COULD USE A LITTLE CHLORINE
- Letitia Yao
SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE ONLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO KILL THEM
- Letitia Yao
Thank you for not breeding
- anonymous
YOU!!! Out of the gene pool
- anonymous
Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control
-Judd & Sara Stewart
So many stupid people, So few comets
- Letitia Yao
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Stop Inbreding! Ban country music.
-Daryl Ganskopp
When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws children will evolve.
- John W. Pope

A fool and his money are my best friends
-Gurmukh Mongia
It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
-Jowe Cromwell
Change is inevitable... except for vending machines
-anonymous
Money isn't everything...but it sure keeps the kids in touch!
- Tara Williams
Hit me, I need money
- anonymous
Thank God for the IRS. Without them I'd be stinking rich!
- Alex Grushow
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
A fool and his money are soon partying
-Alex Grushow
IF YOU'RE RICH, I'M SINGLE
- Laura Gill

Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for
you.
-Victor Burhans
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter
-Brian E. Aronson
There are only 2 choices on the menu: take it or leave it.
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables
- Many people
I like cats, they taste just like chicken.
- Many different people
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
- Cory Gallagher
Cat... the other white meat.
- Letitia Yao

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
- Many different people
Good Girls Go To Heaven, Bad Girls Go Everywhere.
- Susan Lee Rivas
Zero to Bitch in 4.0 Seconds
- Susan Lee Rivas
FEW WOMEN ADMIT THEIR AGE, FEW MEN ACT IT
- Letitia Yao
I'm the person your mother warned you about!
-Lisa Leatherneck
Men aren't pigs....pigs are gentle, cute creatures!
-Lisa Kennedy
Missing, Husband And Dog; Attention $100.00 Reward For Dog
- anonymous
If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons
-Brian E. Aronson
When God made man she was only kidding!
- Amy Morris

It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Normal people worry me
- Stephanie Martin
Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if
they are ok, your it
- anonymous
I DON'T SUFFER FROM INSANITY, I ENJOY EVERY MINUTE OF IT
- Letitia Yao
Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship
- Linda Olson
Support mental health or I'll kill you
- Garett Blackwell
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles
- anonymous
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink
-anonymous
P.M.S ?!! Hell, this is one of my better days!!
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
Madness takes its toll--please have exact change ready
- Robert Hallworth
If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
-Brian E. Aronson

I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My other wife is beautiful.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Never fight ugly people they have nothing to loose
-anonymous

Us blondes aren't bumb
- anonymous
If you think I'm a drunk driver you're wrong, I'm a blonde
- Dana Lyon
Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
- Minda McDorman
When blondes have more fun, do the know it?
- Alex Grushow

HE WHO LAUGHS LAST THINKS SLOWEST
- Letitia Yao
i souport publik edekashun
- Jill Wood-Naatz
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of it's
students.
-Brian Gerards
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
-Brian Gerards
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
-Brian Gerards
I is a college student.
HUKED ON FONIKS WERKD FER ME!

My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me.
Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
The question of fishing is not a matter of life or death... it's more
important than that.
- Alex Grushow
Work is for people who don't know how to fish
- Mark Roach

My kid can beat up your honor student
- Mike Ralston
My honor student fired your stupid kid
- David Rasoff
My child was inmate of the month at the county jail
- Michael Foster
My kid had sex with your honor student.

Take a Bite out of Crime. It tastes like Chicken.
-Daniel Gershman
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Hug a Logger you will never go back to trees
-Phil Ferguson
Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
-anonymous
Archeologists will date any old thing
- Becky Staley
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then
kill them
- Andrea Curry
Please don't tell my Mama that I work on an oil rig... She thinks I'm
a piano player in a whorehouse.
- Jack Fleming
Give Blood Play Hockey
- Douglass Laing
Guns don't kill people postal workers do.
- Alastair
U.S. MARINE CORPS.--Everything destroyed in 30 min. or the next one's
free!
Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor
- Don Smith
FIREFIGHTERS FIND THEM HOT AND LEAVE EM WET

Dole for Pineapple, Not for President
- Remy Barnes
Honk if you've been groped by Clinton
- Don Smith

Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the
IRS).
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Eschew obfuscation.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk
carton.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
Wink. I'll do the rest.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of
nothing.
Who cares who's on board?
Die Yuppie Scum.
No radio. Already stolen.
Exxon Suxx.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would
rather be. - Dorian Hausman
Pray for Whirled Peas!
- Many different people
It's not how you pick your nose, it's where you put the boogers.
- Jennifer Nichols
It's not how you pick it, but where you flick it
- Allan Wise
They say you can't take it with you... But they also can't come and
get it!
- Russell Chambers
Humpty Dumpty was Pushed.
- Susan Lee Rivas
I'd rather be over the hill than under it.
- David Brown
I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead
- Jennie Cline
Defecation eventuates.
- Shelley Huston
Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe.
- Alex Grushow
If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them
- Stepahn Hoffman
Nonconformists are all alike.
- Duncan Frenz
Hug your kids at home-belt them in the car!
- anonymous
Car will explode upon impact
- Brian Baxter
Don't piss me off. i'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
- Stephanie Martin
Don't laugh at these fogged up windows it's your daughter in here
- David Elmer
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit
- anonymous
Do what you did when you were a kid: fly a kite, go fishing hunt a
dinosaur
- Stanford Le
CONSCIOUSNESS: THAT ANNOYING TIME BETWEEN NAPS
- Letitia Yao
DIPLOMACY IS THAT ART OF SAYING "NICE DOGGIE!"...TILL YOU CAN FIND A
ROCK
- Letitia Yao
I LIKE YOU BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO SEE YOU WORKING WITH SUB-ATOMIC
PARTICLES
- Letitia Yao
LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION, I CAN FIND IT MYSELF
- Letitia Yao
ACCORDING TO MY CALCULATIONS THE PROBLEM DOESN'T EXIST
- Letitia Yao
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE - VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE
- Letitia Yao
WE HAVE ENOUGH YOUTH, HOW ABOUT A FOUNTAIN OF SMART
- Letitia Yao
PURITANISM: THE HAUNTING FEAR THAT SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE MAY BE HAPPY
- Letitia Yao
End racism...kill everyone
- Laura Giannotti
Indians discovered Columbus
- Matthew Atkinson
Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups
- D.Z. Jursevics
If you love your life as much as I love my car then you won't steal
it
- anonymous
Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
- Phillip Hubbell
Conserve Water; Shower with a friend
- anonymous
Let me tell you about my bowel movements.
-Julie Woodson
If you are not the lead truck, the scenary never changes.
-Urszula & Waldo Mochalski
All generalizations are false.
- Jill Wood-Naatz
If I roll up my windows and lock the doors, its because you smell
horrible
-Brian E. Aronson
Custer got Siouxed
-anonymous
Compost happens
-Brian Gerards
Bad cop...no donut.
-many people
I'm pro choice, I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat and wear fur.
-anonymous
Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been
turned off.
-Dawn M Nyht
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
-Dawn M Nyht
Just visiting this planet
-Dawn M Nyht
Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water.
-Dawn M Nyht
DAM : Mothers Against Dislexia
-Gurmukh Mongia
Dislexics of the world... UNTIE!!
-Gurmukh Mongia
I will never put off 'till tomorrow what I can forget about forever
-Gurmukh Mongia
Do Not Meddle In The Affairs Of Dragons For You Are Crunchy And Good
With Ketchup.
-Kim Siegel
Where There's A Whip, There's A Way.
-Kim Siegel
Sorry, I just haven't been the same since that house fell on my
sister.
-Nicole Long
HELP! I've tripped and I can't get down!
-anonymous
I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
- Letitia Yao
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
- Letitia Yao
One who farts in church sits in his own pew.
- Chris Potter
I do everything my rice krispies tell me to do
Earth first! We'll strip mine the other planets later!
- Martin Meadows
Very funny Scotty, Now beam down my Clothes!!!
- Martin Meadows
STOP CONTINENTAL DRIFT!
- Mert Proctor
I Hate Coffee--It Keeps Me Awake at Work.
- Mert Proctor
I want to make love in the worst way--standing up in a canoe
- Mert Proctor
There was nothing Great about the Depression.
- Derek Jackson
HELP END POVERTY--EAT THE POOR
- Sarah Konikoff
The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
- Debbie Wright
The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock
Don't show your public hair, while in pubic.
Bad spellers of the world enight!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
- Letitia Yao
Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now.
- Letitia Yao
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Letitia Yao
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Letitia Yao
A friend in need... can be a real pain in the ass.
- Letitia Yao
If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.
- JC Chapman
BE KIND TO YOUR CHILDREN; THEY CHOOSE YOUR NURSING HOME.
- Don Nieding
Not tonite dear, I have a modem!
- Laura Coletti
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't
- Sandy McManmon

Sauerkraut didn't originate in Germany as many people mistakenly
believe. It got its start in China about 1,000 years before it became
popular in Germany.

Lenin wasn't Lenin's real name. It was one of 151 pseudonyms Vladimir
Illych Ulyanov used during his lifetime.

Venetian blinds were invented in Japan, not Venice.

It might surprise you to find out men are far more likely to be moved
to tears by music than women.

Most precious gems are actually colorless. Their color comes from
impurities in the stone that act as pigmenting agents.

Short Line, of Monopoly fame, wasn't actually a railroad. It was a
bus company.

The London Bridge has never fallen down.

Those who do public speaking don't stand behind a podium. They stand
behind a lectern. A podium is the platform or stage on which a
speaker stands.

Smokey Bear didn't always have that famous name. Originally, he was
Hot Foot Teddy.

Although people think otherwise, a newborn baby can't shed tears.

Buttermilk doesn't contain butter.

It's widely believed that Orville Wright became the first person to
be killed in a plane crash. Actually, on September 17, 1908, U.S.
Army Signal Corps lieutenant Thomas E. Selfridge became the first
when he and Orville fell from the sky in Wright's airplane at Fort
Meyer, Virginia.

Tennessee Williams wasn't born in Tennessee. He was born in Columbus,
Mississippi.

Shooting stars aren't stars, of course. They're meteors

People didn't refer to Abraham Lincoln as "Abe" during his lifetime—
he disliked that name.

Forget what you've heard. There's no scientific proof that cedar
chests deter insects.

There is no record of Paul Revere having ever owned a horse.

Contrary to intuition, statistics prove conclusively that the poor
are burglarized far more often than the rich.

Model Ts weren't originally black. They were green at first, but
someone noticed that black paint dried faster, so the color was
switched.

Electric eels aren't eels—they're a fish.

Leonardo di Vinci wasn't a prolific painter. He painted only 17
paintings during his lifetime, and several of those were unfinished.

The word "Sunday" doesn't appear in the Bible.

Howard Hughes' plane the Spruce Goose—the largest plane ever built—
was not made of spruce, but rather of birch.

The Capitol building of the U.S. wasn't designed by an architect.
Congress established a contest for someone to design the Capitol in
1793. The winner was Dr. William Thornton, who had no training as an
architect.

Kleenex tissues weren't always called that. When they were first
marketed in 1924, they were called "Celluwipes."

During the time of King Henry VIII, knitting was the specialty of
men, not women.

Air conditioning wasn't invented to cool homes or offices. It was
invented to control humidity in a printing plant.

Black cats aren't universally seen as being bad luck. In Japan, if a
black cat crosses your path, it's good luck.

East Chicago isn't where you might think. It's a town in Indiana.

The English sparrow isn't a sparrow—and it comes from Africa, not
England.

Aspirin has never been approved by the FDA.

Fort Worth, Texas, was never a fort.

Wyoming Valley isn't in Wyoming—it's in Pennsylvania.

The battle of Waterloo wasn't fought in Waterloo—it was fought in
Pancenoit, four miles away.

Many believe that Mary was the most-mentioned woman in the Bible.
Actually, it was Sarah (56 times).

According to anthropologists, prostitution isn't the world oldest
profession. What is? Witch doctor.

It's not illegal for professional athletes in the U.S. to bet on
themselves. However, horse jockeys are the only ones allowed to do it.

Contrary to what you might think, the typewriter was invented before
the fountain pen.

Drawing rooms have nothing to do with art. They used to be
called "withdrawing" rooms.

The Model T, known as the "tin Lizzie," wasn't made of tin, it was
made of steel.

Despite what you might have heard, Davy Crockett was a lousy shot.

It seems to defy logic, but plants actually get most of their
nutrients from the air, not the soil.

It is a misconception that women change their minds more than men—
research has shown that the opposite is true.

Wet sand actually weighs less than dry sand.

There is no mention in the Bible's story of the Nativity that there
were three wise men. Also, the wise men—however many there may have
been—mentioned in the story didn't find Jesus in a manger. Matthew
clearly states "they were come unto the house [inn]." It was the
shepherds who are said to have found Jesus in a manger.

Betty Crocker was not a real person. She was invented in the 1920s by
a PR guy.

Birds don't fly by flapping their wings up and down as is popularly
held. Their wings actually move forward and backward, in the shape of
a figure eight.

Unlike the myth perpetuated in Hollywood movies, Romans didn't give
the thumbs up or thumbs down sign as an indication of whether they
wanted a gladiator to live or die. If they wanted someone killed,
they'd extend their thumb with fist clenched. If they wanted to spare
someone, the clenched their thumbs in their fists, not showing them
at all.

There's no proof the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock in 1620 as the
story goes. That story wasn't told until 1741, told by a Pilgrim
descendent born 26 years after the supposed event.

Most people think that when you snap your fingers, it's the thumb and
finger separating that makes the noise. Actually, it's the finger
hitting against the heel of the thumb.

Four-leaf clovers may still be seen as lucky, but they are no longer
considered "rare."

Most people erroneously believe that the tulip is of Dutch origin.
Actually, it originated in Central Asia.

It may come as a surprise, but despite the widespread belief
otherwise, more people attend professional opera performances than
attend pro football games. Truth is, ticket buyers spend about twice
as much on the arts than on sports.

There wasn't just one television Lassie, and none of the Lassies was
female. The part was played by a series of male dogs.

Many believe the chopstick is a more primitive way of eating than the
practice of using silverware. Actually, the Chinese once used metal
utensils, specifically the knife, but felt using chopsticks "elevated
man to a more civilized plane."

The majority of the world's oil does not come from the Middle East,
as is commonly believed.

Oil that comes out of the ground isn't black. It's dark green.

Sex, or lack thereof, has no relationship to outbreaks of acne.

Identical twins aren't. For example, they do have different
fingerprints.

There is no evidence that Lady Godiva ever rode through the Coventry
naked. Accounts of the alleged event date from decades after the
purported incident.

Contrary to what you may have heard, whole milk is not good for an
ulcer. The fat content can irritate it. Skim milk is OK, however.


Redneck Test

This is a true test of your Southern-ness. This test really can't be
cheated on, either you know it or you don't. The true southerner
should achieve a minimum in the high teens.

1) How many Vienna Sausages are in a can?

2) What was the number and color of Richard Petty's cars?

3) Bill Dance is good at what?

4) What university does Bill Dance root for?

5) Where did Herschel Walker play football (college)?

6) After boiling peanuts for an hour you have what?

7) In cubic inches, how big is the smallest 1966 GM small-block V8?

8) A Cajun is likely to speak what furrin language?

9) What is a chigger?

10) What is scrapple?

11) Where is "The Redneck Riviera?"

12) What's that fuzzy stuff hanging off the oak tree?

13) What follows logically? Johnson, Mercury, __________________.

14) What's the common name for a bowfin?

15) If you mated a heifer and a steer, what would you get?

16) Who sang "Your Cheatin' Heart?"

17) What are grits made out of?

18) Who was nicknamed "The Bear"?

19) Why is the Blue Ridge blue?

20) What did The Baldwin Sisters make?

21) Who was Andy Taylor's love interest?

22) What are the call letters for the radio station that carries "The
Grand Ol'Opry"?

23) Where would you grow those yellow onions?

24) What sport requires 3 legs and a rope?

25) What instrument did Bill Monroe play (typically)?

26) How many strings on a banjo (two possible aswers) ?

27) When you argue with a fool, what is he doing?

28) What is a scuppernong?

29) Do you want the goats to get into the kudzu?

30) Why do you want to eat "high on the hog?"

31) What color is your John Deere?

32) What do you call the offspring of a mule?

33) What do you harvest when you plant "shade"?


Each correct answer is worth 3 points. You get 1 point just for
starting. Answers are below:


1) 7
2) 43, red and blue
3) Fishin'
4) University of Tennessee
5) University of Georgia
6) Hard peanuts
7) 283
8) French
9) A redbug (small parasite)
10) A sausage-like loaf made out of pig parts
11) Panama City, FL
12) Spanish moss
13) Evinrude
14) Mudfish
15) Nothing. A steer has been castrated.
16) Hank Williams
17) Corn
18) Paul Bryant
19) Because of pollen
20) "The Recipe"
21) Helen
22) WSM
23) Vidalia, Georgia
24) Calf roping
25) Mandolin
26) 5
27) The same thing
28) A wild grape
29) Yes
30) Because that's where the better cuts of meat are. Rich folks live
high on the hog.
31) Green
32) Another trick animal-husbandry question. Mules are generally
sterile.
33) Tobacco



You're Lost Between Baby Boomer And Gen-Xer If…

You remember when Jordache jeans with a flat-handle comb in the back
pocket was cool

Any photo of you shows you wearing an Izod shirt with the collar
turned up

You know any Weird Al Yankovic songs by heart

You've ever rung someone's doorbell and said, "Landshark!"

You were once bowled over by the technological excellence of such
products as Atari, Intellivision, TelStar, and Coleco

You remember the premiere of MTV -- or worse yet, the debut
of "Friday Night Videos"

A dominant color in your childhood photos is plaid

You remember when alternative music really was alternative, and
alternative comedy was really funny

You took family trips before the invention of the minivan

You rode in the back of the station wagon facing the cars behind you

Schoolhouse Rock played a huge part in how you learned things like
grammar, math, and history (e.g. the only way you can recite the
Preamble to the Constitution is by singing it)

You ever dressed to like like someone in a Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, or
Duran Duran video

You remember your first kiss with someone having happened while
either "Leather And Lace" or "Crazy For You" was playing

You remember with pain the day the Green Machine hit the sidewalks,
instantly making your Big Wheel obsolete

"Where's The Beef" still makes you laugh

You remember when film critics raved that no movie could ever
possibly have more advanced special effects than "Tron"

You had a crush on Ted from "Love Boat," Gage from "Emergency," or
Ponch from "CHiPS"

Your hair at some point in the 80s could only be described by
saying "I was experimenting"

You're starting to believe that having the kids in school year-round
wouldn't be such a bad idea after all

You're currently employed doing something that has absolutely nothing
to do with your college major

U-2 is too popular and mainstream for you now

You guess which episode of "The Brady Bunch" it is just by watching
the first scene

You had a front row seat (i.e. blew off one or more classes) for Luke
& Laura's wedding on "GH"

You parents wanted you to attend medical school, but you decided it
was pointless since Quincy got all the babes anyway

You know who shot J.R.

You recall when Love's Baby Soft was in every girl's Christmas
stocking

This rings a bell: "My name is Charlie, and they work for me"

You were unsure if Diet Coke would ever catch on

You were sure that New Coke would never catch on

You know all the words to the double-album set of the "Grease"
soundtrack

You've ever had a Dorothy Hamill haircut

You sat with your friends on a Friday night in 1982 and dialed 867-
5309 to see if Jenny was actually there

"All skate, change directions" means something to you

You've ever owned a pair of rainbow suspenders like Mork's

You bought a pair of Vanns and wanted to order a pizza in history
class so you could be just like Jeff Spicoli, or have ever smacked
yourself in the head with a sneaker and exclaimed, "I'm so wasted!!"

You owned a Preppy Handbook

You were too young to see "Blue Lagoon," and had to settle for second-
hand reports

You remember when movies were only PG and R

You learned to swim at the same time "Jaws" came out, and still carry
the emotional scars to prove it

You remember when you cable TV box had a sliding selector switch, and
your cable remote was connected to the TV by a cord!

Your jaw would ache by the time you finished one of those brick-sized
packages of Bazooka

You remember Bo and Luke Duke, Daisy, Boss Hogg or, worst of all,
Sheriff Roscoe's full name

Your parents paid $2,000 for a top-loading VCR that was almost the
size of a coffee table

You found nothing strange about Bert and Ernie living together

You remember having a rotary phone

You actually believed that Mikey, famed kid on the Life cereal
commercials, died after eating Pop Rocks and drinking a Coke

"Members Only" jackets -- say no more

You actually remember the words to the theme song of "The Greatest
American Hero"


Did you know...

More collect calls are made on Father's Day than any other day of the
year.

If you were to spell out numbers, you would have to count all the way
to 1,000 before you found one that contained the letter A.

The most popular name requested for boats is Obsession.

Bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers were all invented by women.

40% of all people at a party will snoop in the host's medicine
cabinet.

Honey is the only food that does not spoil [Editor's Note...that's
pasteurized honey, the kind you buy in the store, as opposed to honey
fresh from the beehive].

Mel Blanc, the voice of Bugs Bunny, was allergic to carrots,
ironically.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of their birthplace.

More people are conceived in December than any other month.

"60 Minutes" is the only show on primetime television without a theme
song.

Fred & Wilma Flintstone were the first couple to be shown in bed
together on primetime TV.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear & smell better.

Alaska is the state with the highest percentage of people who walk to
work.

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%.

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-sized dog to the age of eleven: $6,400.

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour:
61,000.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments in
the US.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
history: King David (spades), Alexander the Great (clubs),
Charlemagne (hearts), Julius Caesar (diamonds).

In a statue of a person on a horse, if the horse has both front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg
in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th:
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August
2nd, but the last signature wasn't added until five years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
[Editor's note: someone pointed out that "I do" is just as short a
sentence, but it's also the longest sentence! ]

The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the
South Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50
caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being
loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a
target, it got "The whole nine yards."

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them
looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for
the "General Purpose" vehicle: G.P.

The cruise liner Queen Elizabeth II moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel fuel that it burns.

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional
sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day
after the Major League Baseball All-Star Game.

The nursery rhyme "Ring Around the Rosey" is a rhyme about the
plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores
("Ring around the rosey"). These sores would smell very badly so
common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere
(inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("a
pocket full of posies"). Furthermore, people who died from the plague
would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease
("ashes, to ashes, we all fall down").


Fallacies...
Elephants do not fear mice. Nor do not drink through their trunk.
They use their trunk like a straw, drawing up water into it, which
they can then spray into their mouths.

The Statue of Liberty is actually in the territorial waters of New
Jersey, not New York. New York took political control of it in 1834,
but it is still in New Jersey's waters.

Abraham Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg Address on the back of
an envelope. In fact, he worked on the address for two weeks.

Europe and Asia are not two continents. The ancients thought so
because of the Bosporus straits, which connect the Black Sea and the
Sea of Marmara. Mapmakers popularized the error.

A cold does not turn into pneumonia as many believe. One is caused by
a virus, the other bacteria.

Most black widow spiders, as a rule, do not eat their mates.

You don't get tetanus from rusty nails. Tetanus, or "lockjaw," is a
bacterial disease associated with manure contaminated soil. It enters
the body through cuts or bites.

Tomatoes aren't vegetables. A tomato is a large berry, in other
words, a fruit.

Contrary to what we've been told, it's untrue that animal parents
reject their offspring if humans handle them. It's a myth.

Dixie," the famous southern anthem, was actually written by a
northerner, Dan Emmett.
Cheddar cheese isn't naturally orange. Natural cheddar is white.

There's no such thing as a "fire truck." There are ladder trucks,
tankers, tower trucks, rescue trucks and engines—but no fire trucks.

Escalators weren't always called that. Originally, they were known
as "inclined elevators."

Killer whales are not whales. They are dolphins.

Cracker Jacks didn't always have a prize inside. The treat hit the
market in 1872, but the prize didn't come about until 1912.

Fortune cookies weren't invented in China. They were invented in the
United States—as were egg foo young, chow mein and chop suey.

Penicillin doesn't kill bacteria. Technically, it keeps it from
reproducing.

Despite what we might see in the movies, tomahawks were almost never
thrown.

Might be difficult to believe, but Los Angeles isn't further west
than Reno, Nevada—the opposite is true.


STRANGE TRUISMS

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

Anyone who thinks old age is golden must not have had a very exciting
youth .

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the
dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4AM.
It could be a right number.

Think about this..... No one ever says "It's only a game" when their
team is winning.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss
America?

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his
tail.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make
them all yourself.

One of the quickest ways for a young man to fail in life is to work
so hard the boss will think he's after his job.

A backyard barbecue draws two things....flies and relatives.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense
at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of
your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.


Helpful Hints

Helpful Hint #1 If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic!
Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.

Helpful Hint #2 Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away!

Helpful Hint #3 Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an
ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you
put it on.

Helpful Hint #4 Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish
bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an
amusing manner.

Helpful Hint #5 An empty aluminum cigar tub filled with angry wasps
makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.

Helpful Hint #6 Avoid arguments with the misses about lifting the
toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink. Then run the hot water,
take the washcloth and swab the sink then wring the washcloth out and
hang it one the side of the sink!

Helpful Hint #7 High blood pressure sufferers simply cut yourself and
bleed for awhile, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Helpful Hint #8 A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Helpful Hint #9 If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of
laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.



36 'Strange" Observations on Life…

1) Moles are always smaller than you imagine.

2) At the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether its ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether its against the law or not to have
a fire in your back garden.

9) Whatever your age the desire to make plastic dolls shag is almost
impossible to resist.

10) Nobody ever dares to make cup a soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating an apple.

12) It's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy
ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
your teacher mum or dad.

18)T he smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every person has at some stage while taking a p*SS HAS flushed
half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you
you've gotten your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning you have never met anybody who has their
arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping
on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
wood to specifically stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Triangle sandwiches taste better than square ones.


Redneck Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
not a thing was a movin', from the front to the back
The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin' real fine

A cold wind was blowin', up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned
The boys were all dreamin' of weapons and guns,
for huntin' and shootin', there's no better fun

The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume
The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks

Then in the yard, such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence
I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
the man makin' the racket, was Good Ol' St. Nick

You may think of Santa, in your own mind's eye,
dressed in a red and white suit, but I've got a surprise
That old boy's a Redneck, and sure not a failure,
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer

On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig
He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty

Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton
He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy, from his head to his toe

His neck was a red one, his shirt said "Light Beer",
There was no red hat, his cap read, "John Deere"
He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night

He ran into the yard, threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way
And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Bud Lite

yOU mIGHT bE a rEDNECK iF...
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War
general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste
test.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it
look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard
of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
Any of your kids were conceived in a car wash.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how
to fix it.
Your momma doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling
the State Trooper to kiss her a--.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and
cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a
bath!"
Your family tree does not fork.
The flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.
You haul more than U-Haul.
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud
is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your wedding was held in the delivery room.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship
came in."
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports
event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You own all the components of soap on a rope except the soap.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the
governor to spare a loved one.
You go to the family reunion to pick up women.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of
her language.
You can't tell what color your car is because of the dirt.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the
Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size
bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front
ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the
hell are you looking at, Sh-thead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food
groups.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends
are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the
same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an
opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You've ever worn shorts to a funeral home.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all
time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You've ever bought a used cap.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the
wheels off it.
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You fainted when you met Slim Whitman.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the
car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia
on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it
in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance. (Is that a bad mental image or what?)
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush
it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned
yellow.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on
shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and
you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in
your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left
arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a
baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.
Your screen door has no screen.
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git that big ole coon. The one
what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at
the family reunion.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the
Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
about is if you can lose them or not.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your
fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the
three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend
your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her
house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can
get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law
against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your
jeans.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your
home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas
in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the
new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I
Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
(Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you
for it).
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the
restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets
light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the
tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play
Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your
grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.
Your back porch is bigger than your house.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living
room wall.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front
yard.
Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.
Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked,
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
There are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You think mud rasslin' should be an Olympic sport.
The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of
nature.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign
in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
tECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK:
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the
rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
new state nicknames:
Alabama: Hell, Yes, we Have Electricity
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alaska: 110,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arkansas: Literocy Ain't Ever'thin'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,
Leave Your Money)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The
Potatoes Are Real Good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Michigan: First Line Of Defense againstThe Canadians
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and
Little Else
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To
an Attorney
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee: The Educashun State

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Vermont: Yep
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjawed Yokels Don't Mix?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers and Liberals!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
West Virginia: One Big Happy
Family... Really!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... And The Sheep Are Scared!
Actual Test Answers From Various Schools In Huntsville, AL

  Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.

  Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists. 
  Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. 
  Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky. 
  Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed. 
  Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. 
  Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. 
  Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his
adultery. 
  Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death. 
  Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. 
  Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels,A,E,I,O,and U. 
  Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie. 
  Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. 
  Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome. 
  Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor. 
  Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport. 
  Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like
umbrellas. 
  Q: Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand
its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. 
  Q: What does the word "benign" mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. 
  Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head. 
  Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs. 
THE GEEZER-QUALIFYING EXAM

Get out a piece of paper and a pen, number from 1 to 20. no looking
ahead! 
1. In the 1940's, where were automobile headlight dimmer switches
located?
a. On the floor shift knob
b. On the floor board, to the left of the clutch
c. Next to the horn 
2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle had holes in it. For
what was it used?
a. Capture lightning bugs
b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing
c. Large salt shaker 
3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce milk
b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled
c. Milkmen left deliveries outside of front doors and milk would
freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top. 
4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?
a. Blackjack
b. Gin
c. Craps! 
5. What method did women use to look as if they were wearing
stockings when none were available due to rationing during W.W.II?
a. Suntan
b. Leg painting
c. Wearing slacks 
6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you
couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?
a. Studebaker
b. Nash Metro
c. Tucker 
7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?
a. Strips of dried peanut butter
b. Chocolate licorice bars
c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside 
8. How was Butch wax used?
a. To stiffen a flat-top haircut so it stood up
b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing
c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust 
9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached
to your shoes?
a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key
b. Woven straps that crossed the foot
c. Long pieces of twine 
10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?
a. Consider all the facts
b. Ask Mom
c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo 
11. What was the most dreaded disease in the 1940's?
a. Smallpox
b. AIDS
c. Polio 
12. "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"
a. SUV
b. Taxi
c. Streetcar 
13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
a. Old Blue
b. Paint
c. Macaroni 
14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?
a. Part of the game of hide and seek
b. What you did when your Mom called you in to do chores
c. Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms in
an A-bomb drill 
15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?
a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring
b. Princess Sacajawea
c. Princess Moonshadow 
16. What did all the really savvy students do when mimeographed test
were handed out in school?
a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get
you high
b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window
c. Wrote another pupil's name on the top, to avoid your failure 
17. Why did your Mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with
purchases?
a. To keep you out of mischief by licking the backs, which tasted
like bubble gum
b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various
household items
c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos 
18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?
a. Meatballs
b. Dames
c. Ammunition 
19. What was the name of the singing group that made the
song "Cabdriver" a hit?
a. The Ink Spots
b. The Supremes
c. The Esquires 
20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?
a. Tony Bennett
b. Zavier Cugat
c. George Gershwin 
21. ANSWERS:

1. b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular
in Europe, took till the late '60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the
bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied, followed by drawing a seam down the
back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a
shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Polio. In beginning of August, swimming pools were closed,
movies and other public gathering places were closed to try to
prevent spread of the disease.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, and covering your head with your arms
in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get a high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for
household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all-male, all-black group: The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett, and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING:
17-20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted
with mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.
12-16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.
0-11 correct: You are a sad excuse for a geezer or you are younger
than springtime. 
uSELESS TRIVIA:
1.The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in
sixteen rows. 
2. Chrysler built B-29's that bombed Japan, Mitsubishi built Zeros
that tried to shoot them down. Both companies now build cars in a
joint plant call Diamond Star. 
3. If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town
hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town. 
4. The letter W is the only letter in the alphabet that doesn't have
one syllable, it has three. 
5. The most common name in Italy is Mario Rossi 
6. Assuming Rudolph was in front, there are 40320 ways to arrange the
other eight reindeer. 
7. Easter is the first Sunday after the first Saturday after the
first full moon after the equinox. (The equinox is quite often March
21, but can also occur on the March 20 or 22.) 
8. The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F". 
9. Months that begins with a Sunday will always have a "Friday the
13th." 
10. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable. 
11. Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for Lord of the
Flies, and this is where the books title comes from. 
12. October 10 is National Metric Day. 
13. It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the
King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th
word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last
word is spear. 
14. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have
about ten. 
15. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah
Mat," which means "the king is dead". 
16. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and
ears never stop growing. 
17. The common goldfish is the only animal that can see both infra-
red and ultra-violet light. 
18. Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eyes." 
19. If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures 87 feet
long. 
20. Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F. 
21. The pupil of an octopus' eye is rectangular. Goat's eyes have
rectangular pupils also. 
22. "Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison. 
23. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. 
24. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. 
25. Dracula is the most filmed story of all time, Dr. Jekyll and Mr.
Hyde is second and Oliver Twist is third. 

bumper stickers:
* Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
* Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
* All men are idiots, and I married their King.
* Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
* Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
* Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
You are an Internet Addict when...

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a
new WWW site address on TV.

8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear
if new e-mail arrives.

9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of
what she looks like.

10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you
notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12.) Your dog has its own home page.

13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
again.

15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the
URL.

17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because
they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check
your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's
got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape
3.0 or higher."

24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP... because you never log off.

25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in
front of your computer with a toilet.

27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so
you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two
of you can chat.

28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its
students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things got worse.
* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
* Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
* Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
* Keep honking...I'm reloading
What a difference a century makes:
The year is 1903, one hundred years ago.....what a difference a
century makes........... 
  The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven. 
  Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub. 
  Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call
from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. 
  There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved
roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. 
  Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents,
California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. 
  The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower. 
  The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour. 
  The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A
competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist
$2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year,
and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year. 
  More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home. 
  Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education.
Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned
in the press and by the government as "substandard". 
  Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound. 
  Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or
egg yolks for shampoo. 
  Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the
country for any reason. 
  The five leading causes of death in the US were:
    1. Pneumonia and influenza
    2. Tuberculosis
    3. Diarrhea
    4. Heart disease
    5. Stroke 
  The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico,
Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. 
  The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. 
  Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. 
  There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day. 
  One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all
Americans had graduated from high school. 
  Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter
at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the
complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the
bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." 
  Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time
servant or domestic. 

Exerpts Of History Papers From 8th Grade Up In The Chicago Area

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by
Camelot. 
2. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Finkelsteins, a race of people that lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. 
3. Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three types of column -
Corinthian, ironic and dorc - and built the Apocalypse. They also had
myths. A myth is female moth. 
4. Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a
success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all
shouted "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
Armadillo. 
5. During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus w as a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing the Atlantic.
His ships were called the Nina, the Pina, and the Santa Fe...Sir
Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. 
6. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".
Gravity was invented by Sir Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. 
7. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between, he practised on an old
spinster, which he kept in the attic. 
8. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire
is in the east and the sun sets in the west. 

Things you will never hear from a Southern boy:
1. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.

2. You can't feed that to the dog.

3. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

4. Trim the fat off that steak.

5. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

6. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?

7. Duct tape won't fix that.

8. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

9. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

10. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'.

More useless facts:
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language which end
in "dous":tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de
los Angeles de Porciuncula"

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert
the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful
Life."

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

Stewardesses is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand
More bumper stickers:
FRIENDS HELP YOU MOVE - Good friends help you move bodies
You're so bald, that when you wear a turtle-neck shirt, you look like
a broken condom!!
Your kid may be an honour student but you're still an IDIOT!
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have
My Karma ran over my Dogma.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, And so am I.
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check three
friends. If they're OK, you're it.
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get
elected.
I smile because I do not know what is going on.
Harder than your husband!!
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS
You will get what's coming to you. Unless they mailed it.
If this van is rockin' don't bother knockin'
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Of Course I Don't Look Busy...i Did It Right The First Time.
Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Old musicians don't die...they just decompose.
Support mental health or I'll kill you.
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed
I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line.
I.R.S. We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
Someone found dynamite in the dictionary.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
How can my checking account be overdrawn? I still have checks!
Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT out to get
you.
So many idiots, so few comets...
This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.
You're only young once; you can be immature forever.
Life is sexually transmmited (KSF)

Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig enjoys it.

The shop called yesterday, your brain is ready

I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little-to- no influence on
society.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
Learn from your parent's mistakes - use birth control
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - see driver for details
So Many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow's not looking good either.
The best man for the job is a woman

Stock tips:
Watch for these consolidations in 2004 and make yourself a bundle.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and
W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become...... Hale,Mary,Fuller,Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become........Polly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as....... MMMGood.

4. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge
to become, of course....... ZipAudiDoDa.

5. Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and
consolidate as......... FedUP

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become .....
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become....Poupon Pants

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the Nat'l Org. of Women will become....
Knott NOW

9. Mobile Oil is purchasing what is left of Enron and will be known
as MORON

Even more useless facts: There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels
in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."
A poet writes poems; the writer of inferior poems is a "poetaster."
One scientific alternative to the term "hay fever" is "pollenosis."
British slang for a hoodlum or lout is "yob." It's an inversion of
the word "boy."
A snail can sleep for three years.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line
would never end, because of the rate of reproduction.
"Fine turkey" and "honeycomb" are terms used for different qualities
and textures of sponges.
Las Vegas means "the meadows" in Spanish. Ironically, the city in the
desert was once abundant in water and vegetation.
Cinderella's slipper, many scholars believe, was made of fur, not
glass. The word verre, or "glass," they claim, was incorrectly
substituted in early versions of the story for the word vaire. In
medieval French, vaire means "fur."
Tennis pro Evonne Goolagong's last name means "kangaroo's nose" in
one of Australia's aboriginal languages.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in U.S. coins
without being able to make change for a dollar
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Any number squared is equal to one more than the numbers on either
side of it: 4 x 6 is 24, 5 x 5 is 25.
In England, a billboard is called a hoarding.
"Singapore" means "City of Lions," but none have ever been seen
there.
A short period of time used to be referred to as a "whipstitch."
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.
A "nucha" is the nape of the neck.
In the United States, sales of used household merchandise are
called "rummage sales;" in Britain, they're called 2jumble sales.2
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
A "quidnunc" is a person who is eager to know the latest news and
gossip - otherwise, a busybody.
In hospital slang, a GOMER is a patient seeking emergency treatment
for a minor complaint. The term is an acronym for "Get Out of My
Emergency Room."
Arabic numerals are not Arabic; they were invented in India.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of
diesel that it burns.
"Kemo Sabe" reportedly means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
A "clue" originally meant a ball of thread. This is why one is said
to "unravel" the clues of a mystery.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
"E" is the most frequently used letter in the English alphabet, "Q"
is the least.
A deltiologist collects postcards.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on
the back of the $5 bill.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
Graffito is the little-used singular of the much used plural word
graffiti.
A pea jacket is actually a "jacket jacket." The "pea" part of its
name is from the Dutch word pij, which is a sailor's garment.
Anything that recurs daily can be said to be "quotidian.".
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
"Surtitles" are English translations projected above the stage during
a foreign-language performance, such as an opera.
If the number 111,111,111 is multiplied by itself, the result is all
of the digits in ascending to descending order, or
12,345,678,987,654,321.
All the world's main alphabets have developed from an alphabet
invented 3,600 years ago in the Middle East and known as the North
Semitic Alphabet.
Lenses were named during the thirteenth century for their vague
resemblance in shape to lentils - from the Italian word lenticchie
for "lentils," which was later changed to the Italian lente
for "lens." For more than 300 years, lenses were called "glass
lentils."
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
"Scapulamancy" was a method of fortune telling involving the study of
cracked shoulder bones.
A Jerusalem artichoke is not an artichoke, it is a sunflower.
There are only four words in the English language which end
in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
*Boris Karloff is the narrator of the seasonal television
special "How the Grinch Stole Christmas."
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.
A collector who attempts to collect an example of every item in a
particular field is called a completist.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.

New Latin expressions:
"Domino vobiscum."
(The pizza guy is here.)

"Auda similarum ad seattles."
(They all sound just like Pearl Jam.)

"Sharpei diem."
(Seize the wrinkled dog.)

"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus."
(Remove foil before microwaving.)

"Il guyus nissanem iste ickye."
(That Nissan guy gives me the creeps.)

"Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum."
(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)

"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata
descendum pantorum."
(A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your
pants.)

"Motorolus interruptus."
(Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)

"Veni, vidi, Pesci."
(I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.)

"Revelare Pecunia!"
(Show Me The Money!)

"Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat."
(Yeah, where DO I want to go today??)

"Sic semper tyrannus."
(Your dinosaur is ill.)

"No Quid Pro Quo."
(I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.)

"Cavaeat humanus sic tofu burritus e toga."
(Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.)

"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus."
(It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)

"Veni, Vidi, Velcro"
(I came; I saw; I stuck around.)

"Et tu, pluribus unum?"
(The government just stabbed me in the back!)
  

Actual Auto Insurance Statements


----------------------------------------------------------------------

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intentions.

Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my
head through it.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I
did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in
time to avoid the accident.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman...as he bounced off the
roof of my car.

No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it
happened.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

No one was to blame for the accident, but it would never have
happened if the other driver had been alert.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car
with a big mouth.

The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.

I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat
found that I had a fractured skull.

The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of
its way, when it struck my front end.

World's easiest quiz? How Blonde Are You?
Scroll Down For Answers (Passing requires 8 correct answers)
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last? 
2. Which country makes Panama hats? 
3. From which animal do we get catgut? 
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of? 
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? 
7. What was King George VI's first name? 
8. What color is a purple finch? 
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from? 
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?


SCROLL DOWN














ANSWERS:
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years 
2. Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador 
3. From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses 
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
November 
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur 
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
Dogs 
7. What was King George VI's first name? Albert 
8. What color is a purple finch? Crimson 
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand 
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last? Thirty years 

Bad Puns:
1.Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only
one carrion allowed per passenger." 
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low
earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world. 
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils. 
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it, too. 
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my
paw." 
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved
off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an
open foyer." 
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Amal." 
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. 
10. And finally, There was a man who sent ten different puns to
friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. 

15 Inspirational Posters We'd Like to See



1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings... they did
it by killing everyone who opposed them.

2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the
situation.

3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

6. Plagiarism saves time.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

9. The layoffs will continue until morale improves.

10. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.

11. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

12. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.

13. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

14. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

15. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

More Bumper Stickers:
Best Bumper Stickers


----------------------------------------------------------------------

Liberal Arts major: will think for food.

If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!

Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.

Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.

Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!

Procrastinate now.

Rehab is for quitters.

My dog can lick anyone!

I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.

I'm out Of Estrogen and I've got a gun!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

For Sale: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Mop and Glo - The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.

NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning
medicine.

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.

You - Off my planet.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't
asleep.

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

Earth is full. Go home.

Is it time for your medication or mine?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.

In dog years, I'm dead!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.

Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!

(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell
off!

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.

I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

A day without sunshine is like night.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

Old age comes at a bad time.

In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?

BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.

The more you complain the longer God makes you live.

I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind - back in five minutes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Hang up and drive.

NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.

Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

HONK If you want to see my finger.

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like
that).

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.

What if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?

Driver carries no cash. He's married.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils — people who
shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.

If I get you advantage, can I take drunk of you?

Watch out for the idiot behind me.

I drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol!

So you're kids no honor student. Society needs laborers.

I have the body of a god. Buddha.

In case of rapture, can I have your car?

Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Don't bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.

Honk if you've never seen a gun fired from a moving vehicle.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.

Thank God I'm an atheist.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

I've found Jesus! He was behind the couch the whole time.

Some days it's just not worth gnawing through the leather straps.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

Worry. God knows all about you.

I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!

Vote Democrat — it's easier than working!

Vote Republican — it's easier than thinking!

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

Water vs. Coke


----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------

WATER

75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (This likely applies to
half the world population.)

In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often
mistaken for hunger.

Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost
100% of the dieters studied (in a University of Washington study).

Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

Preliminary research indicates that 8 to 10 glasses of water a day
could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of
sufferers.

A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory,
trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer
screen or on a printed page.

Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer
by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one
is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.

COKE

In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the
trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.

You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in
two days.

To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and
let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric
acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a
rumpled-up piece of aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-
Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.

To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the
rusted bolt for several minutes.

To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan,
wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the
ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with
the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load of
greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The
Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.

Coke will also clean road haze from your windshield.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its pH is 2.8. It
will dissolve a nail in about four days. Phosphoric acid also leaches
calcium from bones and is a major contributor to the rising increase
in osteoporosis.

To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the commercial truck must
use the "Hazardous Material" place cards reserved for highly
corrosive materials.

The distributors of Coke have been using it to clean the engines of
their trucks for about 20 years!

Now the question is, would YOU like a glass of water or Coke?

One liners:
Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence.

That guy is so old he shops at EXTREMELY Old Navy.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it
back in.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.

If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody
else's dog around.

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I
said "Implants?"

When you're hungry, why does food SOUND good? Shouldn't it TASTE
good? (thanks, Jon!)

Why can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance?

Why are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people buy cigarettes
at the front?

Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the
counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is it that to shut down Microsoft Windows, you have to click
on "Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why is it called a sport coat if I'm not allowed to play any sports
in it?

I'm busier than a one-toothed man in a corn-on-the-cob eating contest.

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see perfectly?

They call it PMS because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

He was hairier than Chewbacca dipped in Rogaine.

Well, paint me purple and call me Barney.

I'm busier than a one-legged Riverdancer.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

I was happier than a kitten with a Q-tip.

He was deader than a shrunken head at a Hackey Sack festival.

I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

I was more nervous than a ceiling fan storeowner with a comb-over.

He was more tense than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't
met everybody.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.

Gun Control: Use both hands.

Remember: First you pillage then you burn.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.

Half the people in the world are below average.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Arkansas State Motto: Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Laugh

You chatter more than a dolphin by a fish bucket.

If a thing is worth doing wouldn't it have been done already?

Save the whales: collect the whole set .

I just got lost in thought, and it was unfamiliar territory.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.

Half the people you know are below average.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going
the wrong way.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of
the bread.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to
reach it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Can a blind person feel blue?

Change is inevitable except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.

Always try to be modest and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be
wearing night gowns?

If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your
two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to
begin with.

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person
who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners
depressed?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help
section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.

What a cruel idea it was to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide....is it
considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Is a shell-less turtle homeless or just naked?

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4s"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from
Holland called "Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Police Station toilet stolen: cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and you will learn
a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Heck is where people go who don't believe in Gosh.

Time is just nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

Strip mining prevents forest fires.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times
the memory.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a
pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Welcome to Utah: set your watch back 20 years.

Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a
lot easier on you.

Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

I was only looking at your nametag, honest!

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming, so look Busy.

We have enough youth: how about a fountain of "smart"?

Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

Death to all fanatics!

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for
you.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

Polynesia - memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves; support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute, only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

I love cats; they taste just like chicken.

Lord save me from your followers.

Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Some people have a way with words, others not have way.

Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

If you spread out all the sand in North Africa, it would cover the
Sahara Desert.

Drink your coffee; there are people in India sleeping.

I have friends who swear they dream in color; I say it's just a
pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Look out for #1, and don't step in #2, either.

Department of Redundancy Department

"If the shoe fits, buy it." - Imelda Marcos

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like
wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "tone deaf".

3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

An unemployed court jester is no one's fool.

Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the
expected?

Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

Geez if you believe in honkus.

He's a graduate of The Uncle Fester & Keith Moon School of hair
styling.

Have you seen Quasimodo? I have a hunch he's back!

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

Drilling for oil is boring.

Energizer Bunny Arrested; charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048m pole!

I've got a mind like a.. a.. what's that thing called?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

We are all prawns in the game of life.

The Man Code:
1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally
killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

3. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother,
father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need
not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to
his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail
a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
bulls*t!

(Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration
rate rises to 400%)

6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-
limits forever.

7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is five minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10
minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10
babe scale.

8. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator
is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional
and slightly gay.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your
buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get
carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the
beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor
party.

11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his
permission and he in return is required to grant it.

12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as
spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to
pick a buffalo wing clean.

13. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

14. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

15. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask
who's playing.

16. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney
friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll
be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about
joining the priesthood.

17. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
supermodel... and it's free.

18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

19. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must
remain sober enough to fight.

20. If a buddy is outnumbered, out-manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his
actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-
whoopin," then you may sit back and enjoy.

21. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while
weightlifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

22. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

23. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

24. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal
footing: both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other
situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

25. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.

Games for When We're Older
Sag, You're it


Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy


20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear


Kick the Bucket


Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over


Doc, Doc Goose


Simon Says Something Incoherent


Hide and Go Pee


Spin the Bottle of Mylanta


Musical Recliners

Random Thoughts: If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's because she changes it more
often.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Beauty is only a light switch away.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Life is like a dog-sled team. If you aren't the lead dog, the scenery
never changes.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Education is going to college to learn to express your ignorance in
scientific terms.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in
another city.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's
unfamiliar territory.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

Any given computer program, if running, is obsolete.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and
stupidity.

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a
rock.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Nonconformists are all alike.


I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior
citizens?

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live
with.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Down with gravity!

If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

If you can't be kind, be vague.

Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in
their stomach?

How can there be "self-help groups."

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be
thrown away?

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I've always wanted to work in the Department of Redundancy Department.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.


How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Twenty-four hours in a day. Twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.



If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists—they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of credit
card payments.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress.

Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can
happen to you for the rest of the day.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and
wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

More useless facts:
About 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets every year.
A winged penis was the city symbol of Pompeii, the ancient Roman town
destroyed by the eruption of Mt. Vesuvius.

During his lifetime, Shakespeare's last name was spelled 83 different
ways.

Eighty-three percent of people hit by lightning are men.

Surgeons who listen to music during operations perform better than
those who don't.

The original idea for steak knives derived from shark teeth.

President Lyndon Johnson had an aunt named Frank.

The number of possible ways of playing just the first four moves on
each side in a chess game is 318,979,564,000.

The act of snapping one's fingers has a name. It is called a "fillip."

Twenty-five percent of Americans don't know what their astrological
sign is.

The average iceberg weighs 20 million tons.


The average bra size today is 36C. Ten years ago it was 34B.

The mouth produces a quart of saliva a day.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas casinos.

All the planets in our solar system could be placed inside the planet
Jupiter.

Famed playwright Anton Chekhov was also a medical doctor.

More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.

The word "buxom" at one time meant "obedient."

There are about 1,750 Os in every can of SpaghettiOs.

Until the 1960s, men with long hair were not allowed to enter
Disneyland.

The mouse is the most common mammal in the United States.
Trivia was a Roman goddess to whom sacrifices were offered at
crossroads. Because travelers often engaged in idle gossip at
crossroads, Trivia's name (referring to three roads coming together)
came to be associated with the sort of information exchanged in such
places.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the metal detector in 1881.

According to medical experts, babies dream in the womb.

Walt Disney World generates about 56 tons of trash every day.

Ninety-five percent of the U.S. currency notes produced each year are
used to replace bills already in circulation.

Men are four times more likely to sleep in the nude than women.

All of the following have been sold in vending machines: emu jerky,
poached eggs, holy water, beetles and live shrimp.

Thirty-eight percent of American companies say they monitor their
employee's e-mail.

According to surveys, 17 percent of Americans sing in the shower.

One out of five men in America propose marriage on their knee.

Parsley is the most widely used herb in the world.

The odds of being killed by falling out of bed are one in two million.

Canola oil is actually called rapeseed oil, but the name was changed
for marketing reasons.


Rapper Ice Cube's real name is O'Shea Jackson.

The term "hooch" for liquor comes from the Hoochinoo Indians, known
for their ability to make liquor so strong it could knock someone out.

While nudity was considered commonplace to the ancient Greeks, a man
was considered indecent if he had an exposed erection.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

The .tv Internet domain was assigned to Tuvalu, a remote series of
coral atolls in the South Pacific. Leasing its Internet domain name
will result in $50 million in royalties for Tuvalu.

The Coca-Cola company is the largest consumer of sugar in the world.


Advice from kids:
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer
him.
Michael, 14

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, 14

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, 9

Don't squat with your spurs on.
Noronha, 13

Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.
Emily, 10

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
Taylia, 11

Don't sneeze in front of mom when you're eating crackers.
Mitchell, 12

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic Tac.
Andrew, 9

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
Kyoyo, 9

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Armir, 9

Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
Kellie, 11


If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
Naomi, 15

Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.
Lauren, 9

Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your
school assignment.
Traci, 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, 10

Never try to baptize a cat.
Eileen, 8

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on
the phone.
Alyesha, 13

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
Alan, 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by
then.
Camille, 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
Freddie, 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at
the same kids.
Derrick, 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
Lori, 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
Martin, 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
Craig, 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich.
Pam, 7

The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
Curt, 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
Howard, 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
Anita, 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
Kelvin, 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
Ricky, 10

Actual Family Feud Answers

Actual Answers Given By Contestants On The Game Show Family Feud 
  Name something a blind person might use - A sword 
  Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon 
  Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell 
  Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar 
  Name a dangerous race - The Arabs 
  Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse 
  Name something that floats in the bath - Water 
  Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair 
  Name something Red - My cardigan 
  Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers 
  A number you have to memorize - 7 
  Something you do before going to bed - Sleep 
  Something you put on walls - Roofs 
  Something in the garden that's green - Shed 
  Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with
wings 
  Something you might be allergic to - Skiing 
  Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters 
  Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate 
  Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog 
  Something associated with the police - Pigs 
  A sign of the zodiac - April 
  Something slippery - A con-man 
  A food that can be brown or white - Potato 
  A jacket potato topping - Jam 
  A famous Scotsman - Jock 
  Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones 
  Something with a hole in it - Window 
  A non living object with legs - Plant 
  A domestic animal - Leopard 
  A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee 
  A way of cooking fish - Cod 
  Something you open other than a door - Your bowels 

Still Even More Useless Trivia:
The average housefly lives for one month.
Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.

According to a recent survey, 46 percent of Americans say their car
is the most important thing in their lives. Six percent say their
children hold that distinction.

There is an Australian wasp with the scientific name Aha ha.

"Fine turkey" and "honeycomb" are terms used for different qualities
and textures of sponges.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

On average, Italians get 42 vacation days every year.

The first word spoken by an ape in the movie Planet of the Apes
was "smile."

The first car with air-conditioning was the Packard.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only
one end.

A poem written to celebrate a wedding is called a "epithalamium."


There are 293 different ways to make change for a dollar.

The fortune cookie was invented in 1916 by George Jung, a Los Angeles
noodlemaker.

Benjamin Franklin invented the rocking chair.

Most elephants weigh less than the tongue of the blue whale.

Butter was the first food product allowed by law to have artificial
coloring. (It's actually white.)

"Breath," by Samuel Beckett, was first performed in April, 1970. The
play lasts 30 seconds, has no actors, and no dialogue.

Coca-Cola is Africa's largest private-sector employer.

Confucius was the eleventh child of a 70-year-old soldier.

Houdini trained his dog to escape from a pair of miniature handcuffs.
A moth has no stomach.

The Roman word for "secretary" meant "one who keeps a secret."

There is a mineral called cummingtonite.

The first recorded car theft was in 1896, just 10 years after the
introduction of the gas-powered engine.

Scotland exports sand to Saudi Arabia.

A person weighing 150 pounds on Earth would weigh two tons on the sun.

A 16th century English law allowed men to beat their wives—but only
before 10 p.m.

There are 898 steps in the Washington Monument.

It is estimated that there are nearly a half million sauna baths in
Finland.

Parus caeruleus is the scientific name for the bird called the Blue
Tit.

Every year, Americans dispose of 1.6 billion pens.


Cats spend more than half of their lives asleep.

The average soldier of World War II was three-quarters of an inch
taller than the average soldier of World War I.

There are 15,000 Hooters Girls working in 335 Hooters restaurants in
43 U.S. states and 10 countries.

Around the world, nine Viagra tablets are dispensed every second.

Sean Connery once worked as a coffin-polisher.

The average person's eyes will be closed about 30 minutes a day due
to blinking.

In 1976, a South American guppy became the first fish in space.

The Soma plant is thought to be sacred in India, and has over 100
hymns dedicated to it.

Words to Live By
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

It's a small world. So you have to use your elbows a lot.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me
the hell alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities
without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was
probably worth it.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will spend the grocery money on graphite rods and lures.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is
moving.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.

One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone
in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Subject: Over 35



People over 35 should be dead.

Here's why .

According to today's regulators
and bureaucrats, those of us
who were kids in the 40's,
50's, 60's, or even maybe
the early 70's probably
shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered
with bright colored lead-based
paint.

We had no childproof lids
on medicine bottles, doors
or cabinets, ... and when we
rode our bikes, we had no
helmets.
(Not to mention the risks
we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride
in cars with no seatbelts
or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pickup
truck on a warm day was
always a special treat.

We drank water from the
garden hose and not from
a bottle.

Horrors!

We ate cupcakes, bread and
butter, and drank soda pop
with sugar in it, but we were
never overweight because
we were always outside
playing.

We shared one soft drink
with four friends, from one
bottle, and no one actually
died from this.

We would spend hours building
our go-carts out of scraps
and then rode down the hill,
only to find out we forgot
the brakes.

After running into the bushes
a few times, we learned to
solve the problem.

We would leave home in the
morning and play all day,
as long as we were back
when the street lights
came on.

No one was able to
reach us all day!.
< BR>NO CELL PHONES!!!!!

Unthinkable!

We did not have Playstations,
Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no
video games at all, no 99
channels on cable, video
tape movies, surround
sound, personal cell phones,
personal computers, or Internet
chat rooms.

We had friends!

We went outside and found
them.

We played dodge ball, and
sometimes, the ball would
really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got
cut and broke bones and
teeth, and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

They were accidents.

No one was to blame but us.

Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched
each other and got black
and blue and learned to get
over it.

We made up games with
sticks and tennis balls and
ate worms, and although we
were told it would happen,
we did not put out very many
eyes, nor did the worms
live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to
a friend's home and knocked
on the door, or rang the
bell or just walked in and
talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to
learn to deal with disappointment!

Some students weren't as
smart as others, so they
failed a grade and were
held back to repeat the
same grade.

Horrors!

Tests were not adjusted
for any reason.

Our actions were our own.

Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing
us out if we broke a law
was unheard of.

They actually sided
with the law.

Imagine that!

This generation has produced
some of the best risk-takers
and problem solvers and
inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have
been an explosion of
innovation and new
ideas.

We had freedom, failure,
success and responsibility,
and we learned how to deal
with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations!

Please pass this on to others
who have had the luck to grow
up as kids, before lawyers
and government regulated our
lives, for our own good !!!!!


People under 30 are WIMPS !


Courtroom Quotes
The following comments and questions from lawyers were taken from
official court records nationwide...


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.


Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo
or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?


Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked
like, but can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Still Even More Useless Trivia:
Instead of wishing each other luck with the common theatrical
phrase, "Break a leg," circus clowns say, "Bump a nose."
A recent survey showed 42 percent of Americans say they don't use the
Internet.

The most common pub name in Britain is "The Red Lion."

The average reader can read 275 words per minute.

Flies take off backwards.

No one in the U.S. has died from SARS. In an average year, more than
3,500 people in the U.S. will die from the flu.

The average American consumes 1,500 pounds of food each year.

The original title of Annie Hall was Anhedonia.

Racehorses have been known to wear out new shoes in one race.

Nearly 50 percent of all bank robberies take place on Fridays.

A wild tiger is easier to train than one born in captivity.

The first footprints at Grauman's Chinese Theater (now Mann's), were
made by Norma Talmadge in 1927.


Women end up ingesting about half of the lipstick they apply.

Leonardo da Vinci could draw with one hand and write with the other—
at the same time.

New York was the first state to require license plates on cars.

Most dogs run an average of 19 miles per hour.

A "vamp" is the upper front top of a shoe.

About 845 languages are spoken in India.

The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other
birds raise their lower eyelids.

Thomas Edison had a collection of 5,000 birds.

Elvis Presley's nickname for his sexual organ was "Little Elvis."
Sixty-eight percent of teenage girls say if they could change just
one part of their body, it would be their stomach.

Sharks can detect the heartbeats of other fish.

On average, each person uses 54 feet of dental floss each year.

Sixty-nine percent of Swedish women have participated in a threesome.

Forty percent of Americans say the theory of evolution is "probably
not true."

The world's most popular car color is red.

A face-off in hockey used to be called a "puck-off," but was soon
changed for obvious reasons.

The average person walks 100,000 miles by the time they reach the age
of 85.

Toy-breed dogs live an average of seven years longer than large
breeds.

The water we drink is three billion years old.

Americans spend more at strip clubs than at Broadway productions,
regional theater productions and classical orchestra performances
combined.


The word "laser" stands for "light amplification by stimulated
emission of radiation."

There are 31,557,600 seconds in a year.

The little bumps on the surface of a table tennis paddle
(or "racket") are called "pips."

Four Popes have died while having sex.

When a waitress draws a happy face on a check tips rise 18 percent.
When a waiter does the same thing, tips rise three percent.

Only 30 percent of humans can flare their nostrils.

The first person to refer to a coward as a "chicken" was William
Shakespeare.

A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans

Actual Newspaper Headlines
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One

Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not be electrocuted twice
for the same Crime

Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate

Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan

Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung

William Kelly Was Fed Secretary

Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder

Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted

Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over

NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach

Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden

Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors

Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon

Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies

Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter

Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984

Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While

War Dims Hope for Peace

Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years

Man is Fatally Slain

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation

Signs You're *Really* Broke

  American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
  Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine
restaurant. 
  You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
  You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with
Abe. 
  Long distance companies no longer call you to switch. 
  Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%. 
  You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. 
  You receive care packages from Europe. 
  Your bologna has no first name. 
  You rob Peter...and then rob Paul. 
  You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. 
  You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. 
  You give blood everyday - for the orange juice. 
  McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. 
  Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No." 
  The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery


- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

- Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called !

- Oh no! I just lost my watch.

- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

- There go the lights again...

- Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two
of 'em.

- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

- Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my
concentration off.

- What's this doing here?

- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-You sure it wasn't this leg?

- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of
nature.

- Are his relatives waiting outside?

- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

- What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

- This scissor looks rusted.

- Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

- Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

- Now from where did this spider come in from.

tt> A WASHINGTON POST columnist runs a column each summer listing
interesting WOMEN'S T-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland,
beach.
 
   1. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.
  
   2. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD.  (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.

   3. I'M STILL HOT... IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.

   4. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING
LOT.

   5. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.

   6. LIFE IS SHORT. MAKE FUN OF IT.

   7. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.

   8. ANNAPOLIS--A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILOR PROBLEM.

   9. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD... ARE YOU BAD?

  10. PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!

  11. BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM
YOUR CAR.

  12. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE.

  13. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.

  14. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.

  15. KEEP STARING....I MAY DO A TRICK.

  16. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.

  17. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.

  18. MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE.

  19. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE", I WASH MY MOUTH
OUT  WITH  CHOCOLATE.

  20. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.

  21. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE
TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL


How to tell if it is going to be a rotten day 
 
1. You wake up face down on the pavement.


2. You put your bra on backward and it fits better.


3. You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.


4. You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.


5. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.


6. You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
last night, and there aren't any.


7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of
the city.


8. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.


9. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke
and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.


10. Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck
as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the interstate.


11. Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.


MEMORIES

A little house with three bedrooms and one car on the street,
A mower that you had to push to make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall we only had one phone, And no
need for recording things, someone was always home.

We only had a living room where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime in the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms or extra rooms to dine,
When meeting as a family those two rooms would work
out fine.

We only had one TV set, and channels maybe two, But
always there was one of them with something worth
the view.

For snacks we had potato chips that tasted like a chip,
And if you wanted flavor there was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because my mother liked
to cook, And nothing can compare to snacks in Betty
Crocker's book.

The snacks were even healthy with the best ingredients,
No labels with a hundred things that make not a bit of
sense.

Weekends were for family trips or staying home to play,
We all did things together -- even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because we liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate to do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were without our own
cell phone.

Then there were the movies with your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare to watching movies in your car.

Then there were the picnics at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees and never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together with all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball -- and no game video.
Remember when the doctor used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance or a lawyer to defend?

The way that he took care of you or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived to do the best for
you.

Remember going to the store and shopping casually, And
when you went to pay for it you used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe or punch in some amount,
Remember when the cashier person had to really count?

Remember when we breathed the air; it smelled so fresh
and clean, And chemicals were not used on the grass to
keep it green.

The milkman used to go from door to door, And it was just
a few cents more than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters came right to your
door, Without a lot of junk mail ads sent out by every
store.

The mailman knew each house by name and knew where it
was sent; There were not loads of mail addressed to
"present occupant."

Remember when the words "I do" meant that you really
did, And not just temporarily 'til someone blows their lid.

T'was no such thing as "no one's fault; we just made a
mistake," There was a time when married life was
built on give and take.

There was a time when just one glance was all that it
would take, And you would know the kind of car, the
model and the make.

They didn't look like turtles trying to squeeze out every
mile; They were streamlined, white walls, fins, and
really had some style.

One time the music that you played whenever you would
jive, Was from a vinyl, big-holed record called a forty-five.

The record player had a post to keep them all in line, And
then the records would drop down and play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then, just like we do today,
And always we were striving, trying for a better way.

And every year that passed us by brought new and greater
things, We now can even program phones with music or
with rings.

Oh, the simple life we lived still seems like so much fun,
How can you explain a game, just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards between bicycle
spokes, And for a nickel red machines had little bottled
Cokes?
This life seemed so much easier and slower in some ways,
I love the new technology but I sure miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we, and nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce and walk down memory lane.

Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK?
Witness: Oral.
Lawyer: Good. What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Lawyer: You were not shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Lawyer: Doctor, before you signed the death certificate, did you
check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
signed the certificate?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. But now
that you mention it, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law somewhere.

Lawyer: And where was the location of the accident?
Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Lawyer: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Between milepost 498 and 500.

Lawyer: Sir, what is your IQ?
Witness: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Lawyer: So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what did
you observe with respect to your scalp?
Witness: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Lawyer: It was covered?
Witness: Yes. Bandaged.
Lawyer: Then, later on, what did you see?
Witness: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed
and put on top of my head.

Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.

Lawyer: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina
show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Lawyer: Male semen?
Witness: That's the only kind I know of.


More Odd Facts:
Doctors in Canada use an adhesive similar to Krazy Glue instead of
stitches, lowering the possibility of bacterial infection and
minimizing scarring.
Due to the shortages of lead and metals during World War II,
toothpaste was packaged in plastic tubes and have been ever since.
Early Romans used to use porcupine quills as toothpicks.
Energy is being wasted if a toaster is left plugged in after use.
Every second, two Barbie dolls are sold somewhere in the world.
Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter's boyhood home was built from
plans purchased from a Sears catalog.
Former U.S. President William Taft converted the White House stable
into a four car garage in 1909.
France is known as the perfume capital of the world.
Frisbee got its name from William Russel Frisbee, who was a pie
baker. He used to sell his pies in a thin tin pan, which had Frisbee
written on it. When Walter Frederick Morrison thought of the idea of
making saucer like disks to play catch, he visited the campus of Yale
and noticed people there were using the pie pan to play catch so he
therefore renamed his invention to Frisbee.
Harley Proctor got the idea to name the soap "Ivory" while he was
listening to a bible reading at a church in 1879.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
BluBlocker sunglasses were developed with lenses that were used in
the NASA space program for American astronauts.
By partially filling saucers with vinegar and distributing the
saucers around a room, you can eliminate odors.
Children who live in homes that are heated with wood are more likely
to develop respiratory illnesses than children who don't.
Chopsticks originated from China approximately 4,000 years ago.

Common pesticides such as roach, termite and flea insecticide can be
found in the bodies of majority of Americans.
Cotton crops can be sprayed up to 40 times a year making it the most
chemical-intensive crop in the world.
Cow is a Japanese brand of shaving foam.
Crayola Crayons currently has over 120 different crayon colours.
(Crayola is a French word that means "Oily chalk."

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records, as
dictated by physicians.


She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
a stock broker instead.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until
she got a divorce.

Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit
on the abdomen and I agree.

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.


Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant,
with only a 40-pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of gas and crashed.

She is numb from her toes down.

The skin was moist and dry.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Good heavens, not more odd facts:
In ancient Rome, lead poisoning was a prevalent disease amongst the
wealthy because of their extensive use of lead. Many Roman women died
because of lead poisoning caused by the use of make-up that contained
lead.
In the early 1900's, a telephone man used to ride around with a
telephones strapped to his back and chest and would make house calls.
In the U.S., over one million gallons of cosmetics, drinks, and
lotions are sold that contain aloe in them per year.
In the U.S., over one million gallons of cosmetics, drinks, and
lotions are sold that contain aloe in them per year.
It costs about 3 cents to make a $1 bill in the United States.
It was during World War II that clothes with elastic waists were
introduced. This is because the metal used in zippers was badly
needed for the war.
(Ivory bar soap floating was a mistake. They had been mixing the soap
formula causing excess air bubbles that made it float. Customers
wrote and told how much they loved that it floated, and it has
floated ever since.
Ivory soap slogan "99-44/100% Pure" was cleverly invented by Harley
Proctor who with the help of chemists determined that Ivory soap was
only 56/100 pure. Proctor simply subtracted 56 from 100 and came up
with "99-44/100% Pure".
John F. Kennedy's rocking chair was auctioned off for $453,500.
(Johnson & Johnson's BAND-AID brand adhesive bandages have been
around over 80 years.
High Priests in ancient Egypt were the only ones who were allowed to
wear garments made from cotton.
Huge Moore, the inventor of Dixie cups got the idea for the name from
a neighboring factory, the Dixie Doll Company.
Hundreds of years ago, only the wealthy people used to wear
underwear.
In 1902, the coat hanger was invented Albert Parkhouse who was
frustrated at the lack of hooks available to hang up his coat at
work. His company thought it was a good idea and patented the
invention and unfortunately, Parkhouse never received any money for
his idea.
In 1903, there were originally only eight Crayola crayons in a box
and they sold for five cents.
In 1924, Kleenex tissues were originally designed as a cold cream
remover.
In 1981, the ultimate collectable item was a Rubik's Cube which had a
pictures of Prince Charles and Princess Diana on it.
In 1989, twenty-three people were hired in Jacksonville Florida just
to flush toilets so the pipes would not freeze.
In 1998, Sony accidently sold 700,000 camcorders that had the
technology to see through people's clothes.
In a study conducted regarding toilet paper usage, Americans are said
to use the most toilet paper per trip to the bathroom, which was
seven sheets of toilet paper per trip.

Slogans for Women's T-shirts



1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just
can't remember it all.

5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.

6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks
frog.

7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

12. My husband could have had any women he pleased--he just couldn't
please any!

13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

17. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

18. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

19. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

20. My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and
the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).

21. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

22. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

23. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

25. I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing
machine, iron, etc.)

Pop quiz:
Bic is the name of a type of ballpoint pen. Where does the name come
from?
     (a) originally BIC, the initials of the British Inscription
Corporation,

     (b) a Spanish word for a bird's beak, because the pen-point
looks like one,

     (c) the name of the person who invented this particular type of
ballpoint pen. 

2.  Hoover is the name of a well-known brand of vacuum cleaner. The
name comes from which of these?

     (a) The person who first put it on the market,

     (b) The person who invented it,

     (c) The funny hooooovering noise it makes when you use it.

3.  We use shampoo to wash our hair regularly. This word comes from

     (a) a word in the Hindi language of India,

     (b) the name of an American company founded in 1912,

     (c) a character in an popular Japanese cartoon strip.

4.  Gumboots are called wellingtons in other parts of the world. Why
are they called wellingtons?

     (a) they were first made in a city in New Zealand,

     (b) it is a garbled English version of the name of the German
inventor, Uwe Vellernstein, who first made them,

     (c) the Duke of Wellington made them popular in the 19th
century.

5.  In Australia, a guernsey is a sleeveless woollen pullover worn by
football players. It is called this because

     (a) Alex Guernsey was the first player to wear one, in Melbourne
in 1889,

     (b) it is a play on words, from the phrase, "Go an' see",

     (c) it is named after a sheep which is named after a British
island where this type of sheep came from.

6.  Some popular soft drinks have the word "cola" as part of their
name. This word comes from

     (a) the name of a nut which is native to West Africa,

     (b) a word used in Jamaica to mean "cool" or "cold" when people
are feeling too hot on a sunny day,

     (c) the fact that early European settlers in Australia thought
koalas ate gumnuts to make them feel happy.

7.  In pop music and pop groups, "pop" comes from

     (a) the name of one of the very first pop groups, The Moms and
the Pops, whose records are now difficult to obtain,

     (b) the sound made when a guitar string snaps while it is being
played, something that often happened in earlier recording sessions,

     (c) a short version of the word "popular".

8.  The sandwich each get its name from which origin?

     (a) a type of edible fungus discovered on the Sandwich Islands
late in the 17th century,

     (b) the person who helped to make it a popular food item in the
18th century,

     (c) a Dutch word for "slice of bread" first introduced into
English in the 19th century.

9.  The words "tomato", "tobacco" and "potato" all originated in the
same part of the world. Which part is that?

     (a) a group of countries in the Mediterranean area,

     (b) a large group of islands in the Pacific Ocean,

     (c) countries in north, central and south America.

10. A diary can also be called a journal. Where does the
word "journal" come from?

     (a) Le Marquis Jean-Luc de Journal, 1532–75, a French nobleman
who was a prolific diary writer,

     (b) a French word meaning "daily",

     (c) it goes back as far as ancient Egypt, when a type of papyrus
called gu-hnal was used for manuscripts.


The Top 16 Signs You Have Too Many Children


16> The sign at your local Denny's reads, "Tuesdays Kids Eat Free!
    (Watkins family excluded)"

15> "This year's re-enactment of the Battle of Gettysburg is
    brought to you by... the Parker Kids!"

14> Mia Farrow has been spotted lurking around your yard.

13> Your latest was clutching a note reading, "Give it a rest,
    already!  Signed, Your Uterus."

12> The three grain silos on your farm are now filled with baby
    formula, library paste and Clearasil.

11> Your swimming pool looks like a giant tub of Gatorade.

10> Your weekly grocery bill arrives with a drumroll and
    toteboard, courtesy of Jerry Lewis.

9> Due to budget cuts, you're forced to start rejecting
    applications for admission to your home school.

8> Your birth canal has a hydraulic-lock system and a duty-free
    shop.

7> Four of the quarterbacks on your homeschooled children's
    football team complain about not getting enough playing time.

6> The pope sends you a case of Trojans on Father's Day.

5> Clothes have been handed down so much that your toddler's
    jeans look like a thong.

4> You have no trouble whatsoever meeting Kathie Lee's production
    quotas.

3> The Department of Homeland Security has an entire wing devoted
    to listening in on your baby monitors.

2> During your latest C-section, they closed the incision with
    Velcro.


     Number 1 Sign You Have Too Many Children...


1> The fact that your children finish their vegetables is the
    *reason* there are children starving in Africa.

The Top 16 Things You'll Never Hear James Bond Say



"Sorry, M, but doesn't that plan sound a wee bit dangerous?"

"I'm going to stop you and your diabolical organization, Dr. Fang.
I'll be back in four months with a United Nations resolution... and
you'd darn well better comply!"

"Vodka martini. Shake it, stir it, whatever... I don't give a rat's
ass."

"Yes, I have a license to kill -- kill with kindness!"

"I READ the damn manual, Q. Nowhere did it say 'NOT FOR ANAL USE.'
Now shut up and help me!"

"I'm resourceful enough, I'm sneaky enough, and doggone it, women
like me."

"Oh, for chrissakes, skip the details of your evil plan and just
freakin' kill me already."

"C'mon in, but we gotta be real quiet 'cause Mom's a light sleeper
and the trailer is pretty small."

"Careful -- the plate is very hot."

"Shaken, not stirred? Ask your doctor if a free trial of Viagra is
right for you."

"Leave me alone, Miss Megabreasts -- can't you see I'm watching 'Bob
the Builder'?"

"Pssst! Should I hit or stay on 17?"

"...shaken, not stirred. Oh! And give me one of those little paper
umbrellas, too!!"

"It's a sophisticated microfiber-based wearable computer that gathers
telemetry about my health and location and keeps me in constant
communication with M. It only *looks* like a bra."

"Does this tuxedo come in periwinkle?"

and the Number 1 Thing You'll Never Hear James Bond Say...


"I've blown up your lair and foiled your evil plot. Now I will
humiliate you by desecrating your pet goat with my seed."

A Shaggy Salamander Story:
It seems that after years of homelessness the Salamander Athletic
Club,
a track-and-field team, finally had a grand new home all its own just
outside Memphis, Tennessee.

Everybody in town was anxious to tour the new facility; it was
rumored
to have the very latest in training equipment, Nautilus, whirlpool, a
banked track and the like, all, of course, scaled to salamander size.

The place was magnificent in every way, from the landscaping outside,
hyacinth and fern, to the two dozen showers, each fitted with an
adjustable spray head. The club, known as SAC, rapidly took in so
many
new members that for the first time in its history it had a waiting
fist. The Board of Governors hired the most accomplished trainers and
coaches they could find, for the membership was determined not only
to
compete in national and international events but to win!

SACs V.P. in charge of P.R. took daily visitors around SAC
headquarters
to observe the salamanders busily swimming back and forth in their
Olympic-size pool, lifting weights and practicing the broad jump.
Visitors were encouraged to ask questions.

"What are you doing there?" a thick-headed fellow asked Tim, one of
the
running coaches, although it was perfectly obvious to everyone else
that
the five small creatures in front of them, lined up and bent double,
were about to run the fifty-yard dash.

The coach was a polite and patient individual, however, and answered
without a trace of scorn, "Why, I'm trying to find all the newts
that's
fit to sprint."

More Trivia:
Research has indicated that indoor pollution is 10 times more toxic
than outdoor pollution.
Research indicates that babies who suck on pacifiers are more prone
to ear aches.
Scotchgard was accidently discovered when inventor Patsy Sherman's
assistant spilled an experimental compound on her new shoes.
Since 1950, over 230 million eggs of Silly Putty have been sold.
Some Chinese chopsticks contain gold as on of their materials.
Some toothpastes and deodorants contain the same chemicals found in
antifreeze.
Stannous fluoride, which is the cavity fighter found in toothpaste is
made from recycled tin.
Teflon is the most slipperiest substance in the world.
Teflon was accidently discovered by scientist Dr. Roy Plunkett while
he was conducting a coolant gas experiment in 1938.
The average North American car contains 300 pounds of plastics.
Oral-B were the first toothbrushes to go to the moon when they were
aboard the Apollo 11 mission.
Over 100,000 birds and sea animals are killed every year due to
plastic garbage.
(Over 20 million BluBlocker sunglasses have been sold since its debut
in 1986. They now come in over 100 different styles.
Over half the textile fibers that are used in the world are cotton.
Over one billion Valentine's Day cards are sent each year in North
America.
Pilgrims did not eat with forks. They only used spoons, knives and
their fingers.
Play-Doh was introduced in 1956 by Hasbro Inc. The only color
availabe was an off white, and it came in one size which a one and a
half pound can.
Post-It Notes, which are adhesive notes, were invented while looking
for a way to improve the acrylate adhesive found in tapes.
Q-Tip Cotton Swabs were originally called Baby Gays.
Queen Elizabeth I always wore a necklace with a little perfume bottle
attached everywhere she went.


Forty six percent of the world's water is in the Pacific Ocean.
The Atlantic has 23.9 percent; the
Indian, 20.3; the Artic, 3.7
percent.

2. The numbers on opposite sides of a die
always add up to 7.

3. The state of Oregon has one city named
Sisters and another called
Brothers. Sisters got its name from a
nearby trio of peaks in the
Cascade Mountains known as the Three
Sisters. Brothers was named
as a counterpart to Sisters.

4. In 1979, Namco released Pac-Man, the most
popular arcade game of
all time. Over 300,000 units were sold
worldwide. More than
100,000 units are sold in the United
States alone. Originally
named Puck Man, the game was retitled
after executives saw the
potential for vandals to scratch out part
of the letter P on the
game's marquee, which might discourage
parents from letting their
children play. Pac-Man became the first
video game to be popular
with both males and females.

5. Pigturducken is a pig, stuffed with a
turkey, which is stuffed
with a chicken, deep fried in oil, which
is usually put into
something similar to a horse troff over
propane burners.

The Dominican Republic was called Santo Domingo when it first
gain independance.

2. The ZIP in zip code stands for "Zone
Improvement Plan."

3. The Chang Jiang river is the fourth
longest river in the world.

4. It takes an interaction of 72 different
muscles to produce human
speech.

5. The first known heart medecine was
discovered in an English garden.
In 1799, physician John Ferriar noted the
effect of dried leaves
of the common plant, digitalis purpurea,
on heart action. Still
used in heart medications, digitalis
slows the pulse and increases
the force of heart contractions and the
amount of blood pumped per
heartbeat.


Carbonated water, with nothing else in it, can dissolve
limestone, talc, and many other low-Moh's
hardness minerals.
Coincidentally, carbonated water is the
main ingredient in soda
pop.

2. The estimated number of M & M'sa sold
each day in the United
States is 200,000,000.

3. If you were born in Los Alamos, New
Mexico during the Manhattan
project (where they made the atomic
bomb), your birth place is
listed as a post office box in
Albequerque.

4. The St.Louis Gateway Arch had a projected
death toll while it was
being built. No one died.

5. The symbol on the "pound" key is called
anoctothorpe.

The first fossilized specimen of Austalopithecus afarenisis was
named Lucy after the palentologists'
favorite song "Lucy in the
Sky with Diamonds," by the Beatles.

2. The "Calabash" pipe, most often
associated with Sherlock Holmes,
was not used by him until William
Gillette (an American) portrayed
Holmes on stage. Gillette needed a pipe
he could keep in his mouth
while he spoke his lines.

3. Yucatan, as in the peninsula, is from
Maya "u" + "u" + "uthaan"
meaning "listen how they speak," and is
what the Maya said when
they first heard the Spaniards.

4. Figlet, an ASCII font converter program,
stands for Frank,Ian and
Glenn's LETters.

5. The first Bowie knife was forged at
Washington, Arkansas.


You know you're over 50 when...
50 & OVER:

You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right
about almost everything.

The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in
the "ten items or less" lane.

You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your
parents.

You've found yourself discussing rain gutters.

You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.

You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the
street for the garbage collector.

Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of
mold.

You buy "age-defying" makeup and "antiwrinkle" creams and believe
they work.

You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking
around Disney World include you.

You recognize Led Zeppelin songs that have been turned into elevator
Muzak.

As a public service, you have agreed to never appear on the beach in
a Speedo again.

You've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated
Classic—"for the last time in a generation"

You'd pay good money to be strip-searched.

Wal-Mart and target seem to share your fashion sense.

You can pack two suits, Five shirts, five ties, five pairs of
underwear, five pairs of socks, a pair of shoes, and half of your
bathroom into a carry-on bag—in less than five minutes.

You know what Earth Shoes are.

You think if you hear "Stairway to Heaven" one more time your head
will explode.

Your weight-lifting program seems to have no effect on your muscles,
but the veins on the backs of your hands are bulking up quite nicely.

On Saturday night, when your wife mentions "hot oil, a little
friction, and squealing," you tell her you'll have the car looked at
first thing Monday morning.

Inspirational Messages Not Heard At Work

1. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-
up." 
2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a
better company someday. 
3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to
budget cuts. 
4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job
WRONG 14 times gives you job security. 
5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition. 
6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it
by killing all those who oppose them. 
7. We put the "k" in "kwality." 
8. 2 days without a human rights violation. 
9. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" 
10. We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any
reason to call in sick. 
11. If at first you don't succeed, try management. 
12. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 
13. The beatings will continue until morale improves. 
14. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for
free. 
15. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it. 
16. Plagiarism saves time. 
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 

You Know You Are In Florida In July When...

1. The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. 
2. The trees are whistling for the dogs. 
3. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance. 
4. Hot water now comes out of both taps. 
5. You can make sun tea instantly. 
6. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding
iron. 
7. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. 
8. You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your
car. 
9. You discover that you can g! et sunburned through your car
window. 
10. You actually burn your hand opening the car door. 
11. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. 
12. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out
and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" 
13. You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. 
14. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one
out and add butter, salt and pepper. 
15. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from
laying hard boiled eggs. 
16. The cows are giving evaporated milk. 


Questions (not) to Ponder:
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Why do irons have a setting for permanent press?
How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
How young can you die of old age?
Can you be arrested for selling illegal-sized paper?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money
go?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Where would we be without rhetorical questions?
Will your answer to this question be no?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why are there still monkeys and
apes?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are
dressing up as mattresses?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there
is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
If you choke a Smurf, what color will it turn?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If vampires have no reflection, how come they have such neat hair?
Do good S&M fans go to Hell?
If swimming's such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?
If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered
kitty litter?
How do Keep Off The Grass signs get there?
Could God make a burrito so hot he couldn't eat it?
Do we make bombs better or worse?
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe
them?
Can you learn to read from a "Reading for Dummies" book?
If someone gives you a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two
cents in, where does the other penny go? Do you get change?
If pro is the opposite of con, and progress is moving forward, what
is congress?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
If Jimmy cracks corn, and no one cares, why is there a song about it?
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?
If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?
Why is it that raindrops, but snowfalls?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
coconuts, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed," when afterward, it
doesn't work anymore?
If a drug store is open 24 hours, why are there locks on the doors?
If you make a cow laugh, will milk come out its nose?
Why can't Mr. Fork and Mr. Electrical Socket be friends?
Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen
if i squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
If a schizophrenic threatens suicide, is it declared a hostage
situation?
Why was the Holy Roman Empire neither holy nor Roman?
If a tree falls on a mime in the woods, and there's no one there to
hear it, does the mime make a sound?
What is the speed of darkness?
If a man washes a dish, and no woman is around to see it, did it
happen?
Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Do three headed fire dragons have heated arguments with themselves?
Why exactly is there a snow-globe with summer scenes?
What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on
strike?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all have to drown?
Why is minimalism such a big word?
If buttered bread always lands on the butter-side down and a cat
always lands on its feet, what happens if you strap buttered bread to
a cat's back?
What'd happen if the man took the advimil and the woman took the
viagra?
Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller
women?
Do fish get thirsty?
If you learn from mistakes, why aren't I a genius?
Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
Why do banks leave both doors open, yet they chain pens to the
countertops?
Why do people order a double cheeseburger, large fries, and a diet
soda?
Why is there Braille on drive-through ATM machines?
Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?
If a building is on fire, and you make more fire, would it be
considered making the fire worse or better?
Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup


The Bible tells the story of the first man, Adam, but even if the
story is true that was not his given name. The word "adham" in Hebrew
means "man." It is meant to be a generic, not specific, name.
Don't be the last person on Earth to believe Betsy Ross sewed the
first American flag—it's not true. That misconception was created and
perpetuated by her grandson William J. Canby.

It's not commonly known, but it is possible to drown and not die.
Technically the term "drowning" refers to the process of taking water
into the lungs, not to death caused by that process.

Leprosy isn't only an affliction of humans. Armadillos can get it,
too.

Almonds aren't a member of the nut family—they're a member of the
peach family.

Not all milk curdles when boiled, despite what you might think.
Camel's milk doesn't.

Men didn't always get top billing in Hollywood. In 1920, 57 percent
of Hollywood movies billed the female star above the leading man. In
1990, only 18 percent had the leading lady given top billing.

It's not true that Gilligan (of Gilligan's Island) only had one name.
His first name was Willy. Also, the Skipper's name wasn't Skipper, of
course. The Skipper's real name was Jonas Grumby. The Professor's
real name was Roy Hinkley. Mary Ann's last name was Summers.

Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.

Remember that Dutch story about the little boy who saved the town by
putting his finger in the dike? Well, it wasn't Dutch. The story was
American—appearing for the first time in Mary Mapes Dodge's classic
Hans Brinker, or the Silver Skates, published in 1865.

Confucius wasn't the Chinese teacher's name. His family name was
K'ung, and his personal name was Ch'iu. He was more commonly referred
to as K'ung Tzu (which translates as Master K'ung).

Turkeys didn't originate in Turkey. They're American. When Europeans
came to America, they mistook our native bird for one known in Europe
since ancient times.

Mr. Miyagi was right. Karate was not a Japanese or Chinese invention.
This form of self-defense began in Okinawa. Ironically, karate was
originally used to fight the Japanese.

The guillotine was not invented by Dr. Joseph Guillotin as many
believe. The device got his name because he was the one who
recommended to the French National Assembly that it become the
official method of execution for the country. (The inventors, by the
way, were a German mechanic named Schmidt and a French doctor named
Antonin Louise.)

India ink doesn't come from India. It comes from China (and
occasionally Japan).

The pony express wasn't an American invention. By the time our
version came about, pony express courier teams had been around for
thousands of years, making their first appearance in Outer Mongolia.
Another misconception about the American pony express—that it was a
success. Actually, the venture was short-lived and financially
disastrous for its promoters.

The rickshaw isn't Chinese. It originally came from Japan, first
appearing around 1870. (Most historians agree it was a Western
missionary who first devised the vehicle.)


BEDTIME PRAYER FOR WOMEN

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose thingy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won"t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say when I ask "How big's my behind?
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
In the hall, the tub, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the jackass you sent me instead.
A-man.

You Were a Little Girl in the 70's if..

YOU KNOW YOU WERE A LITTLE GIRL IN THE '70s IF...

You wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow
went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other.

You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobbie Easy Bake Oven.
You washed them down with The Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.

You had that Fisher Price Doctor's kit with a stethoscope that
actually worked.

After training with these tools you became an expert at the game
of "operation".

You owned a Schwinn bicycle with a floral banana seat and a basket.
In the early 80's you moved onto the ever popular 10 speed. Gosh that
seat hurt.

Your roller skates had metal wheels.

Admit it ... you thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute. You had
nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.

You had rubber boots for rainy days. Your shoes actually fit inside
of the boots (with a little help from your Mom and some plastic
bags).

Your Holly Hobby sleeping bag was your most prized possession.

You wore a "poncho" with your faux fur "muff" and toe socks with your
clogs.

You begged Santa for the electronic game... Simon.

You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple
shredded outfits. !!!!!!

You spent hours out back on your metal swing set with the trapeze.

You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.

You kept losing your mittens so your Mom bought you the kind that
were attached by a string.

Your Hello Kitty pencil case was cuter than anyone else's.

You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad. You wore that
Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffled shirt with the
high neck in at least one school picture.

You despised Nellie Olson!

You wanted your first kiss to be at the roller rink. You tried to
make sure that no boys would grab the comb out of your back pocket
and skate away at the roller rink.

Your hairstyle was described as having "wings".

Strawberry Shortcake and her friends Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry
Pie.

You carried a Muppets lunch box to school.

You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of
Hazard was your boyfriend or who would get to be Ginger and who got
stuck being Mary Anne.

You memorized every song on the "Annie" movie and know at least one
person who immediately went out and got the Annie afro.

Every now and then "It's a Hard Knock Life" will pop into your brain
and you can't stop singing it all day.

You had Star Wars action figures, too.

You thought unicorns were real.

It was a big event in your household each year when the "Wizard of
Oz"

would come on TV. Break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, Footloose
and Flashdance soundtrack albums.

You tried to do lots of arts and crafts things, like yarn & Popsicle
stick God's Eyes, or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom.

Shrinky-dinks! What was so appealing about these? I loved the Raggedy
Anne & Andy Shrinky Dinks. I still remember how the oven smelled when
they were "baking".

You used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable
tape recorder up to the speaker.

You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you
ordered books from the Scholastic book orders your teacher would give
you. Remember? The order catalogs looked like miniature newspapers.

You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy
Blume books. Are you There God? it's me Margaret.

Care Bears.

You thought Olivia Newton John's song "Physical" was about aerobics.

Friendship pins which you wore on your tennis shoes.

Shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.

You wore knickers.

You collected Smurfs.

You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.

Schoolroom chalk contains no chalk. (It's made of a manufactured
substance that contains no naturally occurring chalk.)

Boa constrictors don't crush their prey to death. They suffocate them.

More soldiers in World War I lost their lives as the direct result of
diseases like influenza than on the battlefield, fighting for their
country.

If someone is impatient or anxious, they're "champing at the bit,"
not "chomping."

Mustard gas isn't a gas--it's an atomized liquid. And what is
an "atomized liquid," you ask? Well, it is something else, entirely.

Peacocks don't lay eggs--peahens do. Don't you just want to kick
yourself sometimes?

There aren't 50 states in the U.S. There are 46 states. There are
four commonwealths, if you want to be picky.

Bagpipes were invented in Iran, not Scotland.

The English horn is neither English, nor a horn. It's a woodwind, and
it originated in the Near East. (No, not Long Island.)

Galileo didn't invent the telescope. It was a Dutch optician, Hans
Lippershey.

The Immaculate Conception doesn't refer to Christ's having been born
of a virgin. The Immaculate Conception is the dogma that holds that
Mary was free from original sin from the moment of her conception.
(This dogma did not become official until 1854, under Pope Pius IX.)

Big Ben is not the name of the famous clock in England. Big Ben is
the clock's largest bell, in reality, which weighs over thirteen tons-
-much of that heft due to its frequent trips to a local all-you-can-
eat fish and chips buffet.

Many believe, wrongly, that West Virginia is farther west than
Virginia. Part of Virginia extends fifty miles farther west than West
Virginia's westernmost parts. Say that five times fast.

Strawberries are not a berry at all. Strawberries are a fruit of a
plant belonging to the rose family.

It is popularly believed that it's illegal to deface U.S. currency.
Not true. What's illegal is defacing it and trying to spend it.

"Whistler's Mother" is not the name of that well-known painting. The
proper name of this work by James McNeill Whistler is "Arrangement in
Gray and Black: the Artist's Mother."

The name of Leonardo's famous work is "La Giaconda," not "Mona Lisa."

Henry Ford wasn't the one who introduced the assembly line to the
production of automobiles. Actually, Ransom E. Olds did, in 1901--
Ford just improved on the idea.

The famous phrase is not "Money is the root of all evil." It's "For
the love of money is the root of all evil." (Found in 1 Tim, 6:10.)

The authors of the Bible did not write "...and they shall beat their
swords into plowshares." The plowshare wasn't developed until 600
years after the birth of Jesus. The use of "plowshare" was the result
of a quirk in translation. (The Hebrew word was "eth"
pronounced, "ayth", which refers to a digging tool.)

There is no such coin as a "penny" in U.S. currency. It is a "cent."

That "black box" they find after air disasters is not black--it is
actually orange.

Boxing Day (celebrated in Canada) has nothing to do with fighting. It
refers to the custom of giving gift boxes to employees the day after
Christmas. (Originally, it was the day Christmas presents were given
in England.)

"Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam," is technically
incorrect. Buffalo roam in Asia and Africa. America is the home of
the bison (often mistakenly referred to as buffalo).

The word "bug," as in "don't bug me," has nothing to do with
insects. "Bug," to annoy or upset, is actually Black English slang,
which was acquired from the West African word bagu, meaning "to
annoy."

At no time in the four novels or 56 short stories Arthur Conan Doyle
wrote about Sherlock Holmes does the famous detective
say "Elementary, my dear Watson."

The Magna Carta was never "signed." (Some doubt King John could even
write.) It was, however, sealed.

"Original sin" has nothing to do with sex. It refers, rather, to
disobedience (Adam and Eve's—and the resulting expulsion from Eden).

S.O.S. doesn't stand for "Save Our Ship." Actually, it doesn't stand
for anything—it was selected because it was easy to remember and
transmit. Three dots, three dashes and three dots.

You can't see steam. Steam is invisible. Only when it cools enough so
minute droplets of water condense does it become visible.

Stonehenge wasn't erected by Druids. Stonehenge was a Bronze Age
creation, going back to the second millenium B.C. The Druids in
Britain were of the Iron Age (more than a thousand years later).

Truth be told, the suicide rate did not increase after the stock
market crash of 1929.

Bamboo is not a tree, it is a grass. Some types of bamboo can grow a
foot a day, making it the fastest growing plant in the world.

The banana does not grow on a tree--it is considered a very large
herb. The fruit of the banana is actually classified by botanists as
a berry.

It is a common misconception that the trademark on a wooden baseball
bat should be on the opposite side of the bat from where the baseball
is hit. The position of the trademark should be pointing straight up
when the ball is hit (the strongest part of the bat is "against the
grain").

Abner Doubleday didn't "invent" baseball. Baseball is clearly derived
from the English game of rounders. The person credited by historians
with creating modern American baseball is Alexander J. Cartwright.

The term "between the devil and the deep blue sea" does not refer to
Satan. "Devil" was an early nautical term for the heavy plank used as
a support beam used in the hull of a wooden ship—the expression meant
to be in a confined location.
The average American eats 23 quarts of ice cream during the course of
a year.
The "bumpers" on the bottom of toilet seats are called "buculets."

"The Star-Spangled Banner" is considered the most difficult national
anthem on Earth to sing.

The Sumerians had a goddess of beer. Her name was Ninkasi.

In a fire station in Livermore, California, there is a light bulb
that has been burning since 1901.

The only continent without a desert is Europe.

"Uranophobia" is the morbid fear of heaven.

The real name of the Tin Man in the "Wizard of Oz" books was Nick
Chopper.

Tokyo was once known as Edo.

Most NASCAR teams use nitrogen in their tires instead of air.

In the eighth grade, Elvis Presley got a "C" grade in music.

About 97 percent of the water on Earth is saltwater.

Basketball is the most popular sport among college women.

Among other things, ninjas were trained to tell what time it was by
looking into a cat's eye.

"Morning dew" is slang for "gonorrhea."

The highest temperature ever recorded on Earth was 136.4 degrees
Fahrenheit at Al'Aziziyah, Libya, in 1922.

There are currently more than seven million millionaires in the world.

The average person will grow 590 miles of hair during their lifetime.

Singer John Denver's real name was Henry John Deutschendorf, Jr.

The Bank of America started as the Bank of Italy.

The harmonica is the world's best-selling musical instrument.
Women buy 40 percent of all condoms in the United States.

The rock group U2 was originally called Feedback.

While it stood, the Berlin wall was 26.5 miles long.

Sixty-three percent of Americans talk to their cars.

Gene Kelly was the first movie star to appear on a postage stamp.

A "labeorphilist" is a beer bottle collector.

Long Acre Square was the original name of New York's Times Square.

In Greek, "cosmetics" means "skilled in decorating."

A baby bat is called a pup.

Eight percent of Americans have oral sex on a regular basis.

The doors that cover U.S. nuclear silos weigh 748 tons and open in 19
seconds.

In Sweden, it's against the law to train a seal to balance a ball on
its nose.

Rocker Meatloaf's real name is Marvin Lee Aday.

"Liticaphobia" is the fear of lawsuits.

Eighty-three percent of Americans identify themselves as Christians.

Leonardo da Vinci invented the car jack before cars were invented.

A male ballet dancer is referred to as a danseur noble.

The most popular beer brand in the Western Hemisphere, outside of the
U.S., is Brahma beer. It's made in Sao Paulo, Brazil.

The average cow spends 13 hours a day lying down.


Some Ramblings From Old Age... I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my
garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people
didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still
have
something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it
"Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest
is
falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh,
have
you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in
case
of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we
supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them
while
they deliver the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more
as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for
their
finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Fallacies...
It is untrue that different drinks, which contain identical amounts
of absolute alcohol, will produce different kinds of intoxication.
Thus, a martini has no special qualities of inebriation that a
whiskey sour of the same potency does not have. The degree of
inebriation is the result of how much absolute alcohol is taken into
the blood stream and how fast.

The "Sermon on the Mount" isn't called that in the Bible—we've given
it that name.

The Bible doesn't say "Spare the rod and spoil the child." It's from
Samuel Butler's 18th century poem "Hudibras." The book of Proverbs
(13:24) does contain this line: "He that spareth his rod hateth his
son."

Nothing in the Bill of Rights or the U.S. Constitution requires that
a jury verdict be unanimous (in capital or any other cases). A jury
also doesn't have to be made up of 12 people, as is commonly believed.

The Indians were not the attackers at the Battle of Little Big Horn—
the Cavalry attacked the Indians and were defeated.

Lizzie Borden was acquitted of allegedly having killed her parents.

Libel and slander are often confused—legally, libel is printed and
slander is spoken.

Thomas Edison didn't invent the lightbulb—he did, however, improve
upon a principle others had discovered. As early as 1802, Sir
Humphrey Davy produced an arc light—precursor to Edison's "discovery."

Sitting Bull did not participate in the Battle of Little Bighorn.

Lloyd's of London is not, as is popularly believed, an insurance
company. It is an association of carefully selected underwriters who
act as individuals.

Baseball is not America's favorite pastime. According to researchers,
eating is—among American adults, anyway.

Costa Rica hasn't got an army.

A solar eclipse cannot last longer that seven minutes and 58 seconds.

There are no bones in an elephant's trunk, just 40,000 muscles.

Most people would be surprised to discover that starfish have no
brain.

The words "naked" and "nude" are not the same. "Naked" implies
unprotected. "Nude" means unclothed.

Caesar salad has nothing to do with any of the Caesars. It was first
concocted in a bar in Tijuana, Mexico, in the 1920s.



No clergyman attended the U.S. Constitutional Convention, and the
Constitution itself contains no religious references, not even a
mention of God.

The Bible makes no mention of a snake in the Garden of Eden.
According to Genesis (3:2-14), it was a "serpent" that tempted Eve. A
serpent in antiquity did not usually refer to a snake, but to any
creeping thing that was especially noxious or venomous.

"Minutes," like those taken at meetings, don't refer to a measurement
of time. The term "minutes" comes from the Latin minitus, or "small,"
since records of meetings are, in a way, taken down in miniature, to
be transcribed later.

The phrase was not originally "Music has charms to soothe the savage
beast," and the phrase was not Shakespeare's. William Congreve, in
his play Mourning Bride, wrote "Music has charms to soothe a savage
breast."

"Nightmare" has nothing to do with horses. The "mare" derives from
the Old English mara, or a specter that perched itself on the chest
of a sleeper, depriving them of motion and speech.

The Panama Canal does not cross the Isthmus east to west. Actually,
it starts by going south, then takes a turn eastward. Its "western"
or Pacific end is actually more than 20 miles east of its Atlantic
beginnings.

No pearls of value are ever found in North American edible oysters.

Petrified wood does not turn to stone. The minerals in water that
seeps into the wood, over a long period of time, replaces the wood
cells—this acts as a kind of mold...but no organic material "turns to
stone."

There is no such place as Pittsburg, Pennsylvania. It's Pittsburgh—
the only one in the country.

Porcupines cannot shoot their quills.

Postcards and postal cards aren't the same thing. A postal card is
one that has a stamp pre-printed on it. A postcard must be stamped by
the user.

The term "re" (as commonly used in business correspondence) does not
stand for "regarding" or "in reference to." It comes from the Latin
res, meaning "thing" or "matter."

The abacus is not of Chinese origin. This kind of counting device was
first used by the Egyptians around 2000 B.C.

B.C. stands for "before Christ," but A.D. doesn't stand for "after
death." It's an abbreviation for anno Domini, meaning "in the year of
the Lord."

You can't aggravate a person. "Aggravate" means to make a thing or
condition worse. So, only a problem or situation an be aggravated.

"Alumni" doesn't mean the male and female former students of a
college or university. Alumnus refers to a male. Alumni is plural of
alumnus, and means more than one male former student. Alumna is a
former female student, and alumnae is the plural.

Atlas did not hold the world on his shoulders. Atlas was condemned by
Zeus to support the heavens on his shoulders.

There's no connection between the Baby Ruth candy bar and Babe Ruth,
the baseball player. At least that's the claim of the folks that make
Baby Ruths (the Curtiss Candy Company). The official company position
is that the candy bar was named after the daughter of President and
Mrs. Grover Cleveland, Ruth. (The official statement about the name
has been that Ruth Cleveland "visited the Curtiss Candy Company...and
this largely influenced the company's founder to name the candy bar
Baby Ruth." Ruth Cleveland died in 1904. The Curtiss Candy Company
wasn't even founded until 1916.) Thanks to Snopes.com for this item.

"Alas! poor Yorick. I knew him well" is not to be found in "Hamlet."
The line is "Alas! poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio.

Bats do not navigate by radar. It's sonar—which involves sound waves
as opposed to radar which has to do with electronic waves.

Bees don't collect honey. They collect nectar, which is changed into
honey within the bee's body.

"Brevity is the soul of wit," from "Hamlet," has nothing to do with
being witty. In Shakespeare's time, "wit" meant "widsom." Polonius
meant that brevity is the soul of wisdom (or that the wise know how
to put things succinctly).

Britain and England do not refer to the same place. England is one of
the three countries that share the island of Great Britain. Great
Britain (or just Britain) is the largest of the British Isles (and
includes England, Scotland and Wales). The British Isles include
Great Britain, Ireland, the Isle of Man and the Channel Islands.

It's a myth that bulls get agitated just because they see red. Bulls
are color blind.

The Battle of Bunker was not fought on Bunker Hill. It took place on
Breed's Hill. It's also a fallacy that the American's won the battle—
they were driven off Breed's Hill with over 400 killed or wounded.
The British, however, lost half their men (about 1,000), so the
battle was a symbolic victory if not a tactical one.

Camel's hair brushes are made from the tails of squirrels. (I doubt
this is still true.)

Lucifer, used as a name for the Devil, is not found in the Bible.
There is only one reference to Lucifer in the Bible (Isa. 14:12), and
it doesn't refer to Satan, but to the King of Babylon.

There is no Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. But there is a Chief
Justice of the United States.

Chop suey did not originate in China. Actually, it originated in a
California mining camp when the Chinese cook threw together what he
had left over and called it "chop suey," a phonetic translation
of "tsa sui," meaning "various things."

Jesus Christ was not his name. "Christ" is a title, which is derived
from a Hebrew word meaning "the anointed one." To be correct, he
should be referred to as "Jesus the Christ."

Cinderella's slippers weren't glass. Not in the original story,
anyway. The story is French, and her slippers were originally fur,
or "vair" in the old French for "ermine." "Glass" in French
is "verre." Same pronunciation, different meaning. Whoops.

Coffee beans aren't beans—they're the pits of a red, cherry-like
fruit.


Many believe a condemned person goes free if the electric chair has a
technical malfunction. That's an oldie but goodie, but not true. The
law must be followed, faulty equipment or not.

Emerson never said "Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." It
was actually "A foolish consistency..."

"Cyclone" is not another word for hurricane (or tornado). In fact, it
isn't even a wind. It is a pattern of winds circulating around a low-
pressure area, clockwise in the southern hemisphere and
counterclockwise in the northern.

"Doomsday" doesn't refer to the day we're all doomed. The phrase
comes from the Old English noun "dom," which meant "judgment," so
doomsday is actually judgment day.

Prohibition, or the Eighteenth Amendment, doesn't prohibited the
consumption of alcohol. In fact, it outlawed its manufacture, sale or
transportation...not its consumption.

Electric fans do not cool the air. That effect is created by the
increased evaporation of moisture from the skin resulting from
greater air circulation.

Charles Lindbergh wasn't the first to fly across the Atlantic non-
stop. He was the 67th. He was, however, the first to make the flight
solo.

The fish symbol for Christians and Christianity is not a reference to
the miracle of the loaves and fish. The symbol began as a Greek
rebus. The letters in the Greek word for fish form the first letters
of the Greek words "Jesus Christ, Son of God, Savior."

The main character in "Around the World in 80 Days" is not Phineas
Fogg. It's Phileas.

Frankenstein wasn't a monster (per se). Frakenstein was not the name
of the monster, but the person who created the monster. And it's not
Doctor Frankenstein. He wasn't a doctor.

French generals do not "kiss" soldiers when they present them an
honor. It only appears that way. In actuality, they're touching
cheeks—the medieval ritual for knighting someone.

A "gendarme" isn't a generic term for any French police officer.
Gendarmes are soldiers on police duty. The term for police in France
is...police.

German silver contains copper, zinc and nickel—but not silver.

"Get thee to a nunnery" did not refer to a place where there are
nuns. Hamlet's rejection of Ophelia meant something different back
then. A "nunnery" was a whorehouse.

Goats don't eat tin cans.

Canada isn't wholly north of the United States. Actually, 27 of our
states lie to some degree north of our northern neighbor's
southernmost part, Middle Island which lies west of Toledo in Lake
Erie.

If you sing "God rest you, merry gentlemen," the comma is in the
wrong place. Originally, the phrase was "God rest you merry,
gentlemen."

The Hundred Year War lasted 116 years—from 1337 to 1453.

The purple finch is, in reality, crimson.

People are surprised to learn that Chinese gooseberries come from New
Zealand.

A Jerusalem artichoke is not an artichoke, it is a sunflower.

Arabic numerals are not Arabic—they were invented in India.

Seems a bit illogical, but the Speaker of the House in Great Britain
is not allowed to speak.

In England, corn means wheat. In the Bible, corn means grain.

When sailors speak of sheets (as in "three sheets to the wind"), they
are not talking about sails. A sheet in nautical terminology is a
rope or chain.

"Catgut" has nothing to do with cats—it is made of sheep intestines.
(They're used to make musical instruments, and produce sounds similar
to a cat's. Hence, the name.)

The new millennium began on January 1, 2001, not January 1, 2000.

"Wherefore," as in "Wherefore art thou Romeo?" means "why,"
not "where."

The breed of dog we call the Great Dane originated in Germany, not
Denmark.

Hitler was never a house painter or paperhanger—he painted pictures,
not houses.

Humble pie has nothing to do with "being humble." The word was
originally "umble," and is related to "umbilical." The poor often ate
the umbilical cords of animals, food scorned by those better off. So,
to "eat umble pie," signified poverty, not humiliation.

Ice cream doesn't make us cooler. Because of its high caloric
content, it makes one hotter, not cooler.

The French fry wasn't invented in France. (Its origin is probably
Belgian.) "French," in this case, refers to the way in which French
fries are prepared. Food cut into strips is said to be "Frenched."
French fries are strips of potato that have been fried, so they
became known as French fried potatoes, or "French fries."


The Duh News There's lots of news out there, but surprisingly little of it is
geared toward those whose hammock doesn't quite reach both trees.
Well, The Duh News is for those people. What follow are profoundly
obvious headlines about our profoundly confounding times.