In addition to the original 12" LP, a 7" Mono sampler was issued featuring the following tracks:

Side A: 1)Paul Lynde ~ Alice in Wonderland :21 2)Charlie Weaver ~ Dr. A.J. Quick :27 3)Paul Lynde ~ Tip :18 4)Paul Lynde ~ Dale Evans :31 5)Totie Fields ~ Snails :24 6)Don Rickles ~ Superstition :36 7)Karen Valentine ~ Boobie Bird :15 8)Charlie Weaver ~ Speech Problems :33 9)Paul Lynde ~ Talking Ass :24 10)Rose Marie ~ Shark :23 11)Mel Brooks ~ Neanderthal :39 Side B: 1)Burt Reynolds ~ Pet Sheep :27 2)Buddy Hackett ~ Airplane :17 3)David Steinberg ~ Robert E. Lee :24 4)Joan Rivers ~ Divorce :26 5)Paul Lynde ~ 3 R's :25 6)Marty Allen ~ Grapefruit :17 7)Redd Foxx ~ Sox :22 8)Rose Marie ~ What Night :21 9)Paul Lynde ~ Horse and Donkey :20 10)Paul Lynde ~ Personality Traits :24 11)George Gobel ~ Ants :27 #MONO SA 008 1974 Heatter Quigley, Inc./Event Records Inc.

(Theme Music up and under)
ANNCR: And here's the master of the Hollywood Squares, Peter Marshall.

Thank you. A very good morning. Welcome to the Hollywood Squares. Hello, stars.

STARS: Hello,Peter.

CONTESTANT: I'd like to start with Paul Lynde, please.
PETER: In Alice In Wonderland, who kept crying, "I'm late, I'm late?"
PAUL: Alice, and her mother's sick about it.
PETER (Over laughter) That's a good start, I'll tell you...

PETER: Don?
CONTESTANT: Let me try Rose Marie, please
ROSE: Yeah, why don't you try Rose Marie, that wouldn't be a bad idea.
PETER: According to Ann Landers, dear, is it O.K. for a woman to let a stranger buy her a drink?
ROSE: I'll settle for that. I'll settle for anything.

CONTESTANT: Charlie Weaver, please.
PETER: An eighty year old doctor, eighty year old doctor in Wisconsin, A.J. Quick, has recently developed something important, and he named it after himself. What did A.J. Quick name?
CHARLEY: Eighty years old?
PETER:Mm-hmm.
CHARLEY: I'd say the quickie...what else?

CONTESTANT: Burt Reynolds.
PETER: For $1,000, Burt, Raquel Welch, one of your favorites I know, recently celebrated her birthday. Within one year, how old is she? Raquel Welch?
BURT: Well, she's fixed everything else...

PETER: Fred, go right ahead, sir.
CONTESTANT: I'll take Paul Lynde.
PETER: According to Amy Vanderbilt, do you tip in a motel just as you would in a hotel?
PAUL: For half an hour???

PETER: Your turn.
CONTESTANT: Mel Brooks.
PETER: Mel Brooks!
(Several shouts of "Mel Brooks!" follow.)
MEL: Ben Bernie. Right?
PETER: No. In the Coliseum of ancient Rome, the gladiators before beginning to fight, would always assemble in front of the Emperor and in unison say something to him. What would they say?
MEL: We have to go to the john!!!...Didn't they say that?

CONTESTANT: I'll take Charlie Weaver.
CHARLIE: Bless you, Gwen, bless you!
PETER: According to the California Raisin Advisory Board, are the little wrinkled things abundant, or is there a shortage?
CHARLIE: Well, out at the home there's a lot of little wrinkled things. And we also have some raisins out there!
PETER: Oh, really?

PETER: Bill, I understand you won the toss backstage.
CONTESTANT: Let's start with Redd Foxx.
PETER: Yes, from Sanford And Son here on NBC, my buddy, Redd. Say, are most stolen cars recovered?
REDD: I had one recovered in Zebra once.

PETER: Pick a star.
CONTESTANT: McLean Stevenson, please.
PETER: For $400 and the championship, according to the book, A Fruit Is Born...(titters from the audience)...Did you read A Fruit Is Born? McLEAN: I-I wrote it!
PETER (Over audience laughter):Oh. What country produces more fruit than any other country in the world?
McLEAN: I'd say West Los Angeles. Or possibly Hollywood.

CONTESTANT: O.K., Paul Lynde, please.
PETER: Paul, this is for $1,200 and the championship. Dale Evans, Dale Evans recently revealed the three secrets behind her happy marriage with Roy Rogers. Listen carefully, "We work together, we pray together, and we're darn good..." what?
PAUL: In the saddle!

CONTESTANT: Totie Fields.
PETER: According to the book, Strange Customs of Courtship and Marriage, do snails, do snails ever caress?
TOTIE: I never saw a horny snail.

CONTESTANT: Charlie Weaver.
PETER: True or false? Studies in Sweden show that people who get false teeth often lose their interest in sex.
CHARLIE: Yes, but it's a poor substitute. That's all I have to say.

PETER: Wendy?
CONTESTANT: Don Knotts.
PETER: Don, you've been having trouble getting to sleep, awww. Are you probably a man or a woman?
DON: That's what's been keeping me awake at night.

PETER: It is your turn to start this round, Ray.
CONTESTANT: Paul Lynde, please.
PETER: Paul, a nationwide survey of personnel directors was recently taken. And they were asked if they would hire a girl who showed up for an interview in a see-through blouse. What did most of them say?
PAUL: Bring her in!

CONTESTANT:Demond Wilson.
PETER: According to the Real Estate Handbook, are studs, are studs often found in the average house?
DEMOND: No, but if you go on 42nd and Broadway, you'll find some...they just stand there and go, "Psst..."

PETER: Dennis, pick a star.
CONTESTANT: Don Rickles, please.
DON: We on?
PETER: Hi, Don!
DON: Hi! If you get a chance, we could use heat in the apartment.
PETER: Say, Don, you are very superstitious, O.K.?
DON: O.K.
PETER: Alright, so you go to a brook and you catch a frog, then you rub it on your face. Just what is that supposed to do?
DON: That's supposed to put you in the state hospital.

CONTESTANT: Charlie Weaver.
PETER: Hey, big Chuck!
CHARLIE; Yeah!
PETER: According to recent research...
CHARLIE: Lay it on me.
PETER: Okay, is the average American male today at his physical peak at age 20, 30 or 40?
CHARLIE: Peter, I haven't had a peak since I was 40!

CONTESTANT: I want to go with Karen Valentine this time.
PETER: I don't blame you. Why is the booby bird called the booby bird?
KAREN: 'Cause it has big...feet!

CONTESTANT: The one and only Paul Lynde.
PETER: The one and only...Mr. Only, True or False? Some airlines now give you a thorough frisking before permitting you to board the plane.
PAUL: Oh, that's the only reason I fly!

CONTESTANT: I'd like to start with Charlie Weaver, please.
PETER: According to recent studies in New Zealand, who is more likely to grow up having speech problems, a baby boy who has been bottle fed, or one who has been breast fed?
CHARLIE: I would say, uh, all I can say is this, Peter. Let's put it this way: Sophia Loren's two year old son is the number one disc jockey in Palermo.
PETER: I didn't know that! Isn't that interesting?

CONTESTANT: Jan Murray.
PETER: This is for $1000 and a tie game. What is the worst punishment you can get for bigamy in California?
JAN: Two mother-in-laws.
PETER: Ohh...big, Jan!

CONTESTANT: I'll go to Paul Lynde.
PETER: Paul. In what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
PAUL: I read it. The Joy of Sex.

CONTESTANT: Burt Reynolds.
PETER: Burt Reynolds, for $500. Listen, another hypothetical question, Burt. You're a 61 year old man, and you've been recuperating from a heart attack for five weeks. According to Dr. David Rubin, who we all know and love, are you probably ready again for romance? After five weeks? After a heart attack?
BURT: Well, you'll die happy. Yeah, I think so - I'd give it a shot.

PETER: Rose Marie. You're swimming at the beach...
ROSE: Good!
PETER: ...and a shark is coming towards you. Now according to the Survival Book, you should put your head under the water and do something. What?
ROSE: Kiss yourself goodbye.

PETER: Frank, your turn.
CONTESTANT: Marty Allen, please.
PETER: For $250. Oscar Wilde once said of it, "It is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, yet it leaves you unsatisfied." What was he referring to?
MARTY: A legitimate massage parlor.

CONTESTANT: Paul Lynde.
PETER: True or False? Nylon is stronger than steel.
PAUL: But steel panties don't turn me on.

CONTESTANT: Rich Little.
PETER: Rich, Burt Reynolds said in a recent interview that people forget that for two and a half years on Gunsmoke, he played a...
RICH: (Imitating Burt) Burt Reynolds! Yeah! He played around! (Burt Reynolds, who was on the panel that episode, goes into hysterics.) That's a good question! (More hysterics from Burt.) No...he played around!

CONTESTANT: Dr. Rubin to block.
PETER: According to Masters and Johnson...
DR. DAVID RUBIN: Again!
PETER: ...Is the husband or the wife more likely to exaggerate when asked their weekly number of intense amorous encounters?
DR. RUBIN: Well, I've heard that Masters exaggerates, but Johnson doesn't.

PETER: Mel, if we located, if we located a Neanderthal man who happened to be still, uh, alive, could he be taught to speak English? A Neanderthal man?
MEL BROOKS (as The 2000 Year Old Man): A Neanderthal man. Now, well, we in the ball park,

CONTESTANT: Paul Lynde to block.
PETER: Dean Martin, Dean Martin has been known to walk up eight flights of stairs rather than to do something he hates to do. What?
PAUL: Oh, sleep alone.

PETER: All right, Jeanne, it's your turn.
CONTESTANT: Vincent Price to block, please.
PETER: In the fairy tale, what did the farmer find when he cut open the goose that laid the golden egg?
VINCENT: (Laughs) The Internal Revenue Service!
PETER: They got him again.

CONTESTANT: Charlie Weaver.
PETER: Big Chuck? Sure.
CHARLIE: Okay.
PETER: What do you do in a hothouse?
CHARLIE: Me? That's a little personal, if you don't mind!...I pay my money and take my chances, that's what I do...

CONTESTANT: Burt Reynolds.
PETER: O.K. Your pet sheep is running a temperature of about 102 degrees. Is she normal, your pet sheep?
BURT:Is she normal? I don't know - a lot of people think I'm not normal 'cuz I keep taking her temperature.

CONTESTANT: Rose Marie.
PETER: Rose Marie for $500. True or False? You can make a camel more cooperative by giving it tobacco and perfume.
ROSE: Well, you can get an awful lot out of me that way.

CONTESTANT: John Davidson.
PETER: Why did we repeal the 19th Amendment to the Constitution, John? Why did we repeal the 19th Amendment to the Constitution?
JOHN: We repealed the 19th Amendment, Peter, to replace it with the 20th, that's why the 20th was enac...(Derisive laughter from Vincent Price and others)...Wait a minute!...Do we laugh at stars when they give answers?
PETER: I'm not laughing, John...

CONTESTANT: Buddy Hackett to block.
PETER: You are flying an airplane.
BUDDY: Yes.
PETER: And you are in trouble. Traditionally, the thing to do is to get on the radio and holler...holler what?
BUDDY: What the **bleep** am I doing here???

CONTESTANT: Paul Lynde to win.
PETER: Paul Lynde to win $500 and a tie game. The great writer George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "It is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children." What is it?
PAUL: A whipping.

CONTESTANT: I'll go with Suzanne Pleshette.
SUZANNE: At last!
PETER: Is the padded bra industry in bad shape?
SUZANNE (Interrupting): WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME THIS QUESTION???

CONTESTANT: Freddie Prinze, please.
FREDDIE: Yo!
PETER: Freddie Prinze, who has a new series here on NBC called Chico and The Man.
FREDDIE: Dat's right.
PETER: That's right. Can you teach a pig how to bow?
FREDDIE: Eet's not my job...

CONTESTANT: Paul Lynde.
PETER: Not the Secret Square, but $800 and the championship, Paul. We all know, Paul, that men have female horomones in their bodies. But does a woman have male horomones in her bodies?
PAUL:...Occasionally...

CONTESTANT: Karen to block.
PETER: Paul Lynde recently stated, "If there is anything helpful for other actors to be drawn from my experience, I think it is this: Don't try to fake..." what?
KAREN VALENTINE (Imitating Paul): Anything!

CONTESTANT: David Steinberg, please.
PETER: David, when Robert E. Lee was preparing to go to Appamatox to surrender, he made the now-famous statement, "There is nothing left for me to do but to see General Grant, and I would rather..." what?
DAVID: "...Suck eggs."
PETER:...That's sweet.

CONTESTANT: Ed Asner.
PETER: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research in New York City...
ED: Um-hmm...
PETER:...a wife should be beware, uh, rather, a wife should be beware, that's what it states here, if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband's clothing. What item?
ED (after a moment's thought)...Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind...

PETER: Pick a star, good luck.
CONTESTANT: Paul Lynde, please.
PETER: If you had your choice, Paul, would you rather be kicked by a mule...or by an ostrich?
PAUL:...They both sound pretty good to me!

CONTESTANT: Rose Marie.
PETER: You're a shy, bashful girl.
ROSE: Oh, no, I'm not!
PETER: No, all hypothetical, we know that. According to Cosmo, will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband?
ROSE: Gee, I did that once, Peter, and his wife caught us.

CONTESTANT: Demond Wilson to win, please.
PETER: For the championship, Demond. True or False? The older you get, the lighter your skin becomes.
DEMOND: Awww, no! Now that's...[Demond gets up and leaves his square.]
PETER: Oh, come on, Demond, no, don't do that. We need you!

CONTESTANT: Joan Rivers, please.
PETER: Alrighty, this is for $250. According to court records, when a couple that only has one car gets a divorce, who usually gets the car?
JOAN: The woman usually gets the car, and the man usually gets the shaft. And rightfully so!!!

PETER: Joan, it's your turn.
CONTESTANT: Paul Lynde to win, please.
PETER: Paul Lynde to win $600. Eddie Fisher said recently, "I am sorry. I am sorry for them both." Who or what was he referring to?
PAUL: Oh, his fans.

CONTESTANT: Charlie Weaver.
PETER: Big Chuck...
CHARLIE: All right.
PETER: Your bird has a temperature of 104 degrees. Will he live?
CHARLIE: Gee, I hope not, my dinner guests will be here in a few minutes!

CONTESTANT: I'll go with Jan Murray.
PETER: All righty. According to marriage counselors, there are two words that every man and woman must learn to use if they want their marriage to work. What words are they?
JAN: Disrobe.
PETER: That's one word.
JAN: Well, then I still have another word left over for New Year's Eve!

CONTESTANT: I'll go with Charo.
PETER: I don't blame you. The doctor wants to check your trapezium and your trapezoid. Will he ask you to remove your clothes?
CHARO: What ees de trapezium? Your behind?
PETER: No, no, no...

CONTESTANT: Paul Lynde.
PETER: Paul, nudist camps often advertise that they offer the "Three R's." Now two of the three R's are rest and relaxation. What is the third R of the nudist camps?
PAUL: Uh, Reddi-Whip.

CONTESTANT: Harvey Korman.
PETER: Alrighty, this is for $250. According to the Wall Street Journal...
HARVEY: Sh! Peter's talking!
PETER: Yes. The rate of exchange on the Mexican Peso hasn't changed since 1954. In terms of United States money, it's still worth about how much? The Mexican Peso.
HARVEY: About five minutes. (To derisive laughter from McLean Stevenson) Oh, shut up, McLean!

CONTESTANT: Buddy Hackett.
PETER: Say, you are a twenty year old girl, and you live at your folks' house. Now, according to "Dear Abby," is it proper for you to entertain your boyfriends there, when they are not home?
BUDDY: When the boyfriends ain't home...
PETER: No, no, no, when your parents aren't home.
BUDDY: When my parents ain't home.
PETER: Is it all right for a 20-year-old girl to entertain her boyfriend?
BUDDY: If she wants to make a few dollars...

CONTESTANT: Marty Allen to win, please.
PETER: Marty, this is for $500. True or False? Rubbing grapefruits on your body makes you sexy.
MARTY: Whose grapefruits?

(SFX: Laughter, applause, and Hollywood Squares theme fade.)

SIDE TWO:
(SFX: Applause fades in)
CONTESTANT: Paul Lynde.
PETER: Paul, true or false? Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5 million dollars worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone.
PAUL: And it didn't cure her headache.

CONTESTANT: Vincent Price.
PETER: Vincent, according to the book, Health In The Latter Years, there is something that old folks should never, never do in bed. What is that?
VINCENT: Entertain.

CONTESTANT: I'll take Rose Marie, please.
PETER: According to Parade Magazine, what night of the week is a woman most likely to be molested?
ROSE: Well, with my luck it's probably tonight, and I'm working.

CONTESTANT: Paul Lynde.
PETER: Not the secret square, but $500. Paul, you've heard of the phrase, "A pig in a poke," right? A pig in a poke. What's a poke?
PAUL: It's when you're not really in love.

CONTESTANT: Charlie Weaver, please.
PETER: If you go to Sweden, Denmark or Norway, you'll want to exchange your American dollars for what?
CHARLIE: Companionship.

CONTESTANT: Demond Wilson.
PETER: True or False? Recent studies show that nutritionally, watermelon is one of the very best...
DEMOND: That's it. [Demond gets up and leaves his square.]
PETER: Now come back here, Demond. C'mon! Stop that man!
DEMOND: I don't have to be insulted! I got the number 2 show, here!
PETER: I know! And this is Number 1!

CONTESTANT: I go for Paul.
PETER: For $750, according to The World Book, what is the main reason your dog pants?
PAUL: Because he can't talk dirty.

CONTESTANT: Charlie Weaver, please.
PETER: If you plant strawberries, will you get any the first year?
CHARLIE: No, I was too busy planting strawberries.

CONTESTANT: Charo, please.
PETER: Charo, this is for the championship. You and your friend are going to take to the streets on your bicycles. Is it safe to ride...abreast?
CHARO: A-a-a-abreast? Breast?
BURT REYNOLDS: If it is, I want to ride with you!
CHARO: You mean, is it safe for a woman to drive with a brassiere?
PETER: No, no, no, no. Charo, our producer, Jay Redack, says explain it to you.
CHARO: Oh, please.
PETER: He wrote the question. No, I will not explain it to you. I'll just let you go on. Do you know what a breast is? (Audience hysterics at Peter's blooper.)I-I mean, do you know what riding abreast is?
CHARO: If it is something for your safety to wear a breast, sure, go ahead. What? Abreast is a distance? What the hell is abreast?
PETER: Like, if we were riding this way, we would be abreast.
CHARO: Ooooh. Abreast!
PETER: Yeah. Like this.
CHARO: Ohhh. No. No. No. In the back! In the back!

CONTESTANT: David Steinberg, please.
PETER: You are eating chicken.
DAVID: Yes.
PETER: And you notice that the bones are very dark. What can you tell about the chicken?
DAVID: At one time, he had rhythm. Rose Marie.
Ro! According to police,if you are being molested, other than yelling `Help!' what is the best thing to scream?
More!
McLean Stevenson to win.
For$1,000. What is the plural of titmouse?
O.K. Got your mouse, y'got yourmeese, and y'got your mice. Its tits-mouse. Nah, its uh, titsmice. Titmice!
Paul Lynde, please.
When a horse and a donkey get together, the result is a baby mule. Paul, who is the mother - the donkey or the horse?
I don't want towatch, and I don't want to know!
I'll start with Charlie Weaver.
Has anyone named Philo Farnsworth ever done anything memorable?
Not according to the lovely Wanda Farnsworth.
Paul Lynde, please.
In ancient times, the loser of a battle would hand the victor a handful of grass. What did this symbolize?
The loser was Mexican.
Redd Foxx to win.
Hello, Redd Foxx to win.
Hello.
True or false? Soccer teams in Africa have a team witch doctor.
That's true. And they have a motto: "If you can't beat 'em, eat 'em."
Paul Lynde.
What famous French person said, "What do a million men matter to such as me?"
Linda Lovelace.
Vincent Price.
Ed McMahon recently admitted, Vinnie, on The Tonight Show, that he has two phobias. One is the fear of closed spaces, or claustrophobia. What else is he afraid of?
Well, he's terrified of another fear. It's called curbophobia.
What is that?
Well, it's the fear of falling off of sidewalks into the gutter.
Charlie.
Good evening, Big Chuck.
If you found a girl whose measurements were exactly the average of all the Miss Americas in history, would her bust be larger than her hips?
Well now, out at the home, we have one of the first Miss Americas.
I didn't know that.
Oh, yes. Her bust meets her hips!
Paul Lynde.
Paul, in The Wizard Of Oz, the tin man wanted a heart, and the lion wanted courage. What did the straw man want?
He wanted the tin man to notice him.
Totie Fields.
What does etiquette tell you to do with a whole pickle?
(Burt Reynolds loses it.)
I'd like to tell ya, Peter.
Paul Lynde.
True or False? If you get help from a good sex therapy treatment center, it will probably cost you in the neighborhood of $2,000 per week.
Hmm. How much just to mingle?
I'll pick Rose Marie.
Yeah?
According to Amy Vanderbilt...
Oh, Amy!
...there are two gifts that are most appropriate for a sixtieth, sixty, 6-0...
I heard ya, Peter...I heard ya, 60.
O.K. One is diamonds. What's the other?
Batteries!
Charlie Weaver.
What do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A divorcee.
Alan King.
True or False? After she wrote The Sensuous Woman, the author known as "J" sat down and wrote a book...on golf.
On golf? "How To Hook Happy."
Paul Lynde.
According to experts, is it ever O.K. to use a vacuum cleaner on your dog?
I think it's better to walk him.
Joan Rivers.
Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Yes, because it's Daddy's turn.
Charlie Weaver, please.
You're a 71-year-old man, and you find that you are not interested as much in sex as you used to be. Does your doctor have something for you that might help?
No, but his nurse has.
Sandy Duncan.
For $250, here. True or False? One of the most popular songs in all of China is titled, "Oh, How I Love To Carry Cow Waste Up The Mountainside For The Commune."
For the commune, or to the commune?
For the commune.
For the...well that makes the difference-yes!
George Gobel.
True or False, George? According to experts, there are only about seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.
That's right, and I think I voted for six of them.
Charo, please.
Charo! True or False, dear? You can get silicone shots to help fill out your cheeks.
I hear a story about a guy who use silicone in de leg to hab astonger leg, but de silicone fall down and he hab now two ball hanging down.
Charlie Weaver.
Certainly. You are wearing a fur coat.
Golly!
O.K? Now if it is a common fur coat, it comes from one of the following three animals. The following. O.K. A mink, a muskrat, or a what?
A wealthy businessman.
Paul Lynde.
Back in the early movies, Paul, who would you be most likely to see on top of Tony, The Wonder Horse?
Oh, My Friend Flicka!
Rose Marie.
True or false? Most people's attitude towards strangers is, "Don't get too close to me. I prefer to keep you at arm's length."
(The show's loud "tacky buzzer" sounds, ending the game.)
That's my opinion.
(SFX: Applause, laughter and Hollywood Squares theme fades.)