Click on a category for the questions:
Q: According to the famous quote by Alexander Pope,
"A little what is a dangerous thing"?
PAUL LYNDE: A little pervert.
ANSWER: A little learning.
Q: There's an old slang expression people use. They say
"That man is in double harness." What does that mean?
JAN MURRAY: His hernia is worse.
ANSWER: He's married.
Q: The great writer George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "It's
such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children."
What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: A whipping.
Q: According to Ben Franklin in Poor Richard's Almanac,
"He that falls in love with himself will have no..." What?
PAUL LYNDE: Children.
Q: It was Mark Twain who once observed that there are few of us
who can stand another man's what?
MARTY ALLEN: Advances.
Q: Accoring to a great poem by Edgar Allen Poe, "We loved with
a love that was more than love, I and my..." I and my what?
PAUL LYNDE: Gym Teacher.
ANSWER: "Annabell Lee," from the poem of the same name.
Q: Charles Darwin had a theory that the mystery of man's past
would be unraveled in a certain place. Where?
ROSE MARIE: A Holiday Inn.
Q: Thomas Jefferson once called it the one thing that can stand
by itself. What was he referring to?
CHARLEY WEAVER: 3-day-old donkey fazool.
Q:It was Aristotle who once said that even the bitterest of
enemies can be united by a common...common what?
PAUL LYNDE: Infection.
Q: The Post Office motto lists four specific things that won't
stop the mailman from getting to you. Snow, rain and heat are
three of them. What's the fourth?
ROSE MARIE: A wedding band.
ANSWER: Gloom of night.
Q: During the War of 1812, Capt. Oliver Perry made the famous
statement, "We have met the enemy and..." And what?
PAUL LYNDE: They are cute!
ANSWER: "They are ours."
Q: According to an old proverb, love flies out the window
when something comes in the door. When what comes in?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Her husband.
Q: Albert Einstein once reflected that in his entire life
he had only two really good ones. Two really good what?
CHARLEY WEAVER: McGuire Sisters.
Q: Oscar Wilde once said of it, "It is the perfect type of
a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, yet it leaves you
unsatisfied." What was he referring to?
MARTY ALLEN: A legitimate massage parlor.
ANSWER: A cigarette.
Q: According to the Dictionary of American Proverbs, what
comes before pleasure?
PAUL LYNDE: The words, "Of course I love you."
Q: Billy Graham said in a recent column, "No matter how far
you've let him go, your faith can end his control." What was
Mr. Graham referring to?
PAUL LYNDE: A teenage boyfriend.
ANSWER: The devil, of course.
Q: We know that the Boy Scouts stick by their motto, "Be
Prepared." What is the Girl Scouts motto?
PAUL LYNDE: As long as he's prepared, they don't need a motto.
ANSWER: Same thing - "Be Prepared."
Q: It was Tom Edison, the great inventor, who once commented,
"The most necessary task of civilization is to teach man how
to..." How to what?
MARTY ALLEN: How to kiss good.
Q: The wise Chinese philosopher Confucius once said, "I can
do absolutely nothing for the man who will not bring me his..."
PAUL LYNDE: His number-one daughter.
Q: According to Good Housekeeping Magazine, what
question do women ask their doctors the most?
PAUL LYNDE: Alright, where's the nurse??
ANSWER: "What about the pill?"
Q: Within 5%, what percentage of plastic surgery patients
JAN MURRAY: Is that before or after the operation?
Q: True or false: The ancient Chinese believed intense
romantic encounters caused toothaches.
PAUL YNDE: Well then, the ancient Chinese did it wrong!
Q: According to Today's Health, what do most dentists
say you should do with your dentures when you go to bed?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, out to the home, we throw them all into
the center of the room and have a swap party.
ANSWER: Take them out.
Q: Rose Marie, if you had a protrusion of the maxillary
incisors, where would I have to look to see it?
ROSE MARIE: How about my place, after the show?
ANSWER: The mouth. They're teeth.
Q: According to the Cosmo Girl's Guide to the New
Ettiquette, it is "the most common cause of tooth loss
among adults." What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: Adultery.
ANSWER: Gum damage.
Q: You're planning to go outside on a cold, wintry day and
you don't want your lips to get chapped. Will lipstick protect
CHARLEY WEAVER: It kept me out of three wars!
ANSWER: Yes, it will, but a lip balm works better.
Q: You have a fever, chills, congestion, watery eyes and a
rash on your face and the back of your neck. Then the rash
spreads all over your body. What's probably your problem?
PAUL LYNDE: Dad told me that would happen...
ANSWER: Measles. Those are classic symptoms.
Q: In order to do something that is very popular among tourists
in Ireland, you must lie on your back with your head dangling
below your feet, while somebody holds your knees.
In order to do what?
JAN MURRAY: Kiss Maureen O'Hara.
ANSWER: Kiss the blarney stone.
Q: Your girlfriend has a bad cold. According to recent studies
at Wisconsin University, are chances good that you'll catch her
cold just by kissing her?
CHARLEY WEAVER: I don't know, but I'm going to try for double pneumonia.
ANSWER: No. Chances are very slim.
Q: In a Vogue magazine article, Raquel Welch confessed
that a certain part of her is artificial. It's above her
shoulders. What is it?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Above her shoulders? She must be standing on
ANSWER: False eylashes, which Raquel feels adds to any face.
Q: According to Coronet magazine, as a woman grows older,
what is usually the first part of her body to lose muscle tone
and become flabby?
PAUL LYNDE: The good part!
ANSWER: The upper arm.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Herald Examiner, are
people more likely to have a problem with a mattress that's
too soft or one that's too hard?
ROSE MARIE: How about "too empty"?
ANSWER: One that's too soft.
Q: What does Sophia Loren consider to be her greatest beauty
JAN MURRAY: Push-ups.
Q: Is most of your liver above or below your waist?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Most everything I've got is above my
Q: At sometime or another, most every woman puts something
on her "cilia" to make them look nice. Where would you find
a woman's cilia?
PAUL LYNDE: I don't know, let's frisk 'er!
ANSWER: Near her eyes. Cilia are eyelashes.
Q: Charley, if you found a girl whose measurements were exactly
the average of all the Miss Americas in history, would her bust
be larger than her hips?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, now, out at the home, we have one of the
first Miss Americas.
PETER: Oh, really?
CHARLEY: Oh yes, her bust meets her hips.
PETER: I didn't know that! Isn't that interesting?
ANSWER: No, one inch less.
Q: Paul, here's one on personality traits. Is a person who sits
with one leg over the arm of a chair likely to be cooperative
PAUL LYNDE: Is this person a man or a woman?
Q: We are often told not to swim after eating. According
to Today's Health, is that a good idea or is it
just an old wives' tale?
MARTY ALLEN: I wouldn't know about old wives' tales -
I'm a leg man.
ANSWER: It's an old wives' tale.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Times, is there a very
good chance that you can be struck by lightning twice and still
be around to talk about it?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, but you talk about it in a higher voice.
ANSWER: Yes. In fact, there's a park ranger in Virginia who
holds the record. He's been struck five times.
Q:According to Raquel Welch, a woman's bust size should have
nothing to do with her sex appeal. True or false?
JOAN RIVERS: That's easy for her to say!
Q: In a recent issue of Today's Health magazine, they
answered an old parental question this way: "If they're no
use, why not yank them out?" What were they referring to?
PAUL LYNDE: Babies.
Q: In doing traditional yoga exercises, when a person crosses
his legs, entwines them under him, and tucks his heels up in
his groin, what's it called?
CHARLEY WEAVER: It's still called his groin, but it looks different.
ANSWER: The lotus position.
Q: According to doctors, what is the most frequently heard
PAUL LYNDE: Stirrups for a sore throat?!?!?
Q: You meet a doctor at a cocktail party. Is it considered
rude to ask him about his health?
ROSE MARIE: Don't ask. Just examine him.
ANSWER: No. It would be nice for a change.
Q: Can teasing cause permanent damage to the hair?
CHARLEY WEAVER: At my age teasing damages my whole body.
ANSWER: No. It can break off the hair and cause tangles,
but it doesn't cause permanent damage.
Q: According to a Stanford University study, who has a
greater tolerance for pain, young folks or old folks?
PAUL LYNDE: I don't know yet, I'm having four more
old people in tomorrow.
ANSWER: Young folks.
Q: Which is lower, your kidney or your bladder?
CHARLEY WEAVER: If you'll excuse me, I'll check my dip stick.
ANSWER: Your bladder.
Q: According to Good Housekeeping, if you want to cut
down on your medical expenses, there is one thing which you
should try to avoid whever possible. What?
MARTY ALLEN: Bullets!
ANSWER: House calls. They are most costly and less efficient.
Q: According to doctors, what do you have if you have
"an obsessive, unrealistic fear of an external object"?
PAUL LYNDE: You've got 10 seconds to get dressed!
ANSWER: A phobia. That's the definition of a phobia.
Q: Can X-rays cause hair to grow where it didn't before?
KAREN VALENTINE: I hope not...I just had a chest X-ray!
ANSWER: No. It has the opposite effect of killing hair growth.
Q: Paul, we all know that men have female horomones in their
bodies. But does a woman have male horomones in her body?
Q: According to sexologist Dr. David Reuben, what is the
most important job in the world?
JIM BACKUS: A sexologist's assistant.
ANSWER: Housewife. The doctor thinks it's more important
than any other occupation or profession.
Q: Dr. Norman Shumway was the first doctor in the United States
to do something that has since become rather unpopular.
What did he do?
PAUL LYNDE: He sneezed during a vasectomy.
ANSWER: He performed a heart transplant.
Q: Among young girls, what is the most common physical problem
they all share?
MARTY ALLEN: I don't know but I wish it was me.
ANSWER: Poor posture - according to Today's Health magazine.
Q: According to Holiday Magazine, if you're traveling
across the country on a bus, why should you have sunglasses
PAUL LYNDE: Because I'm a star!
ANSWER: You might be on the sunny side of the bus for hours.
Q: According to doctors, what is the best single form of
insurance against heart trouble?
PAUL LYNDE: A 78-year-old wife.
Q: True or false: Playboy Magazine helps to support the
famous Masters and Johnson Sex Institute.
CHARLEY WEAVER: True...they donate the girls!
ANSWER: Yes. And Playboy uses the information for its magazine articles.
Q: True or false: If you get help from a good sex therapy
treatment center, it will probably cost you in the neighborhood
of $2,000 per week.
PAUL LYNDE: Hmm...how much just to mingle?
ANSWER: True. And most will only treat married couples.
Q: True or false: According to doctors at the University of
Toronto, a room that is kept at 60 degrees at night is better
for satisfying your romantic needs.
CHARLEY WEAVER: I, however, prefer a woman.
ANSWER: True. They say it's healthier that way.
Q: What is the first question famed sex researcher Dr. Masters
asks a woman patient?
PAUL LYNDE: "Are we alone?"
ANSWER: "Do you take the pill?"
Q: According to Coronet magazine, out of every 1,000 men
who have had a recent vasectomy, how many later said they wished
CHARLEY WEAVER: The ones that had it done by acupuncture.
Q: True or false: Sex can be fatal for a fat man.
JAN MURRAY: No, just for his skinny wife.
ANSWER: True - according to the American Society for Bariatrics.
Q: True or false: If you are naked and inactive it takes
a temperature of at least 85 degrees to keep you comfortable.
ROSE MARIE: That's me, Peter, naked and inactive.
Q: On the average, how much does your liver weigh?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Twice as much as my onions.
ANSWER: About three pounds.
Q: According to The Woman magazine, what is the worst
enemy of a woman's skin?
PAUL LYNDE: A fist.
ANSWER: The sun.
Q: Generally, is it more expensive for a woman to surgically
have her bust made bigger or smaller?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, I know at the market a cantaloupe costs
more than a lemon!
Q: One of Joan Crawford's beauty hints is to use mayonnaise as something. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A negligee.
ANSWER: A facial masque.
Q: According to orthopedic surgeons, which situation is most
likely to give you a backache: sleeping alone, or sleeping with someone else?
CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll take my chances.
ANSWER: Sleeping with someone else.
Q: You're at the doctor's office, and he's examing your
medula oblongota. Did you have to remove your clothes?
ROSE MARIE: No, and I had my heart set on it!
ANSWER: No, probably not. The medula oblongota is part of your brain.
Q: Is there any medical evidence that smoking after 30 will
reduce your interest in sex?
PAUL LYNDE: After 30 what?
Q: In this country today, is there a great need for new, young
CHARLEY WEAVER: There's a great need in this very square, Peter!
Q: If a person is injured, there is one thing you should never
give him until he's seen a doctor. What shouldn't you give him?
PAUL LYNDE: A loan.
ANSWER: Liquids. Nothing by mouth until the doctor's okay.
Q: It's the middle of the night, and you're in bed. Is your
blood pressure down, or is it up?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Am I alone?
ANSWER: It's down, if you're sleeping.
Q: According to an article in Coronet magazine, what's
the one word that explains why people undergo plastic surgery?
PAUL LYNDE: Nose.
Q: If you've been working late at the office and then walk
outside into the night, why should you wait a few minutes
before driving off towards home?
CHARLEY WEAVER: You might get lucky.
ANSWER: You should give your eyes a chance to adjust to
the darkness, according to
the National Safety Council.
Q: If it's necessary to blow your nose in public, you should
avert your head and use your handkerchief. Should you also say "excuse me"?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Only if you miss!
ANSWER: No need to make a production of it. The "excuse me"
will only attract more attention than you should want.
Q: Frank Sinatra recently needed an operation. What did they
PAUL LYNDE: His stand-in.
ANSWER: His hand. He had muscle spasms that closed his hand
into a fist.
Q: According to the Chicago Tribune, what is nature's
"last resort" in trying to keep the body warm?
JAN MURRAY: Phyllis Diller.
ANSWER: Shivering. The first natural response is goose pimples.
Q: A Greek doctor named Galen invented something in 150 A.D.
that millions of women still use every night. What?
PAUL LYNDE: The headache.
ANSWER: Cold cream.
Q: If your kid is healthy but bow-legged, should you do
anything to help?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes, find him a knock-kneed girl.
ANSWER: No. Bow legs and knock knees correct themselves.
Q: Hospitals are now allowing nurses to do something because
of all the leaning, reaching, and stooping the girls have to
do. What are the hospitals allowing them to do?
PAUL LYNDE: Scream.
ANSWER: Wear slack suits instead of dresses.
Q: True or false: Right now you have more than 10 quarts of
water in your body.
CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes...can we go to a commercial soon, Peter?
Legend and Literature
Q: According to Greek legend, if a young boy was in love with
a girl, he might toss something at her. And if she caught it,
that meant she was receptive. What was it?
PAUL LYNDE: His toga.
ANSWER: An apple.
Q: According to mythology, the first man was made from a tree.
What was the first woman made from?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Just a couple of drinks and a movie.
ANSWER: A tree, too. He was an ash and she was an elm.
Q: In mythology, what would the god Morpheus do to you
while you were sleeping?
PAUL LYNDE: I don't know about you, but I got an enchanted hickey.
ANSWER: Make you dream.
Q: In mythology, Hercules first showed his power when he was
only eight months old by squeezing two of them in his crib.
CHARLEY WEAVER: Was his mother tucking him in at the time?
ANSWER: Snakes. He strangled them.
Q: In Greek mythology, Lotis, the beautiful daughter of Poseidon,
was being chased by a lustful man. She prayed for help and the
gods changed her into something. What?
ROSE MARIE: A bathrobe.
ANSWER: A tree.
Q: In Greek mythology, they were known as "golden apples."
What do we call them today?
JAN MURRAY: Silicone.
Q: In mythology, Achilles' mother didn't want her son to go to
war, so she dressed him up like a girl and made him sit with a
bunch of women and do something. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: "The Virginia Graham Show."
Q: In ancient mythology, the harpies were fierce and filthy
monsters with the faces of women and the bodies of...what?
PAUL LYNDE: Also women!
Q: In mythology, how di that legendary strong man, Hercules,
CHARLEY WEAVER: A double hernia.
ANSWER: From wearing a poisoned shirt.
Q: In mythology, everything that King Midas touched turned to
gold. But there was one thing he touched that made him regret
ever having such power. What did he touch?
PAUL LYNDE: I know he was taking a shower...
ANSWER: His daughter.
Q: According to the World Book, in mythology, young Ulysses
did not want to go off and fight in the terrible Trojan War.
So he pretended he was...what?
CHARLEY WEAVER: A decorator.
ANSWER: Crazy. But he finally had to go anyway.
Q: True or false: In Roman mythology, Rose Marie was the
goddess of hunting.
JAN MURRAY: And still is...
ANSWER: False. Diana was.
Q: According to Greek mythology, the god Apollo, in love
with the maiden Daphne, pursued her through the forest.
When he caught her, what did she change into?
MEL BROOKS: Something comfortable.
ANSWER: A tree.
Q: In mythology, Alexander the Great finally cut the
legendary Gordian Knot. Then what happened?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Gordian's pants fell down.
ANSWER: He fulfilled the prophecy and became a great ruler.
Q: What legendary beast is said to be irresistably
attracted to any beautiful, pure maiden alone in the
ROSE MARIE: Burt Reynolds.
ANSWER: The unicorn, which is why virgins were needed
to capture unicorns.
Q: According to legend, only one person saw Lady Godiva ride
through the streets naked. How did he make his living?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Selling photographs.
ANSWER: He was a tailor.
Q: According to legend, he crossed America's open spaces
giving seeds to strangers, planting his own, and always moving
on. Who was he?
PAUL LYNDE: Hugh O'Brian.
ANSWER: Johnny Appleseed.
Q: There is an old superstition that if a girl goes to a
wedding, then brings home something she picked up there and
puts it under her pillow, she will get a man. Brings what home?
ROSE MARIE: His tuxedo.
ANSWER: A piece of the wedding cake.
Q: There's an old superstition that if a baby is born feet
first, he'll have a special talent. What talent?
PAUL LYNDE: Holding his breath for a long time.
ANSWER: Magic. He'll soon have magical powers.
Q: According to superstition, if in your dreams you are in a
strange bed, it means something. Means what?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, out at the home, that means I'm out of intensive care.
ANSWER: It means you'll soon marry.
Q: According to the Bible, when Lot's wife saw the wicked cities
of Sodom and Gomorrah, she changed into something. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A leather jumpsuit.
ANSWER: A pillar of salt.
Q: When Noah went on the ark, did he take his wife along?
CHARLEY WEAVER: No, it was a pleasure cruise.
Q: According to the Bible, Adam was supposed to "dress it and
keep it." What was it?
PAUL LYNDE: A Barbie doll.
ANSWER: The Garden of Eden.
Q: In the Bible, Jacob spent an entire night wrestling with
someone before he learned who it was. Who was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Esther.
ANSWER: An angel.
Q: While Sampson was asleep, Delilah cut his hair off, which
made him a weak man. How did Sampson regain his strength again?
PAUL LYNDE: He cut Delilah off!
ANSWER: By letting his hair grow long again.
Q: According to Shakespeare, beauty makes a woman proud. Virtue
makes her most admired. But what is it that makes a woman "seem divine"?
PAUL LYNDE: A fifth of vodka.
Q: In Shakespeare, what was Juliet talking about when she said,
"It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden"?
JAN MURRAY: Romeo's quick little hands.
ANSWER: Marriage - to Romeo - whom she ahd just met.
Q: In what world-famous play does a queen kiss a donkey?
PAUL LYNDE: Oh! Calcutta.
ANSWER: "A Midsummer Night's Dream," by Shakespeare.
Q: What famous character described himself as
"one who loved not wisely but too well"?
ROSE MARIE: Mickey Rooney.
ANSWER: Shakespeare's "Othello."
Junior and Senior Citizens
Q: Do unborn babies dream?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, about getting out!
ANSWER: Yes, according to a recent USC study. But they have
yet to discover what they dream about.
Q: According to Dr. Benjamin Spock, "It is preferable that baby
not sleep in his parent's room after he is..." how old?
ROSE MARIE: Old enough to work a camera.
ANSWER: 6 months.
Q: Does standing a 5-month old baby on his legs make him
PAUL LYNDE: No. You've got to push down on him.
Q: True or false: According to Dr. Benjamin Spock, a baby's
body is 60% water.
PAUL LYNDE: And the other 40% is even worse!
Q: True or false: A fat mommy and a fat daddy will more than
likely have a fat little baby.
JAN MURRAY: I know they'd rather have Veal
ANSWER: True. By an 80% chance.
Q: You have taught your baby not to hit you when he's mad.
What will he probably do instead?
PAUL LYNDE: Make an obscene gesture.
ANSWER: Throw a tanturm. This is the most common reaction.
Q: According to Dr. Benjamin Spock, "Most babies who use a
pacifier freely for the first few months of life never become..." what?
PAUL LYNDE: A leg man.
ANSWER: Thumb suckers.
Q: If you're uncomfortable about discussing sex with your
child, should you do so anyway?
MICKEY ROONEY: Sure, how else are you going to learn anything?
ANSWER: No. The child may sense your discomfort and that
may influence him to regard the subject as unhealthy.
Q: You're serving liver and onions for dinner tonight, and
your young child insists over and over that he won't eat
any. According to doctors in Today's Health,
what should you do?
PAUL LYNDE: Tell him he's adopted.
ANSWER: Let him have something else. The dinner table should
not be a battle ground.
Q: Joan, your baby has a certain object that he loves to cling
to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
JOAN RIVERS: Yes, because it's Daddy's turn!
ANSWER: No. It's harmless.
Q: Is a Girl Scout awarded anything if she's good on
PAUL LYNDE: I don't think it's possible on roller skates!
ANSWER: Yes - a roller-skating merit badge.
Q: The Boy Scouts handbook advisies that it's a simple task,
and once it's become "a habit, it becomes part of your life
and you can't help yourself" from doing it. Doing what?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Lifting the seat.
ANSWER: A good turn, helping someone.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
MARTY ALLEN: Only after lights out.
Q: When asked whether their life has been happy so far, 90%
of the American youngsters polled gave the same answer. What?
PAUL LYNDE: "Buzz off!"
Q: According to psychologists, when a child begins to get
curious about sex, what is the one question he will most often
ask mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: "Where can I get some?"
ANSWER: "Where do babies come from?"
Q: According to Ladies' Home Journal, if your child
cries out in the middle of a nightmare, is there anything you
PAUL LYNDE: Soundproof his room.
ANSWER: No. Let him sleep through and he'll probably forget
the whole thing by morning.
Q: You have a young child who has an imaginary friend he talks
to, plays with, and even introduces to his friends. According
to child psychologists, should you be worried about him?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Only if the imaginary friend gets pregnant.
ANSWER: No. It's considered perfectly normal in the early
years of a child's life.
Q: If your young child starts playing with his food at the
table, what should you do?
PAUL LYNDE: Push his high chair over.
ANSWER: Take the food away and dismiss him from the table.
Q: According to Dr. Benjamin Spock, if you have twins, should
you forget about nursing?
CHARLEY WEAVER: No, but you're in trouble with triplets!
ANSWER: No, not at all. Nature will obey the laws of supply
Q: According to Woman's Day, should children always be
told when they're adopted?
PAUL LYNDE: Even if they're not. Keeps 'em on their toes.
ANSWER: Yes, always.
Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
ANSWER: The father.
Q: For many, many years, what was the person called who headed
the famous "Ding Dong School"?
PAUL LYNDE: Timothy Leary.
ANSWER: Miss Frances.
Q: Which one of your five senses tends to diminish the quickest
as you grow older?
CHARLEY WEAVER: My sense of decency.
ANSWER: Your sense of smell.
Q: Do doctors advise elderly people to eat more slowly than
CHARLEY WEAVER: No, hurry...you may never get to dessert!
ANSWER: Yes. Elderly people are more likely to choke.
Q: According to Man & Woman magazine, what is the main
reason a 75-year-old
man would marry a 70-year-old woman?
PAUL LYNDE: He wants her body!
ANSWER: Companionship, of course.
Q: True or false: People need more and more sleep as they get
CHARLEY WEAVER: It's not what they need, but it's certainly all
ANSWER: False. They need less and less.
Q: According to Dr. David Reuben, can a 72-year old woman get pregnant?
CHARLEY WEAVER: I think she has a better shot at emphysema.
Q: According to Cosmopolitan, what is the primary factor
in determining how soon a woman turns gray?
PAUL LYNDE: How tight you squeeze her.
ANSWER: Heredity; her family background.
Q: Glora Swanson, who is 74, says she had one in Hollywood,
one in New York, one in Portugal, and one in Palm Springs.
What did she have?
ROSE MARIE: A hot flash?
ANSWER: A house.
Q: A woman recently wrote in to Dr. David Reuben asking if
there was anything wrong with her 58-year old hubby, who
feels extremely amorous every single night at bedtime.
What did Dr. Reuben say?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Beg him to come back home.
ANSWER: No. More power to him.
Q: Charley, an 80-year old doctor, A. J. Quick, has
recently discovered something important, and he named it
after himself. What did he name, A. J. Quick?
CHARLEY WEAVER: 80 years old? I'd say the "quickie"...what else?
ANSWER: A vitamin, specifically "Vitamin Q".
Q: In 1886, Grover Cleveland became the oldest of our
presidents to get...what?
PAUL LYNDE: Excited.
Q: You're a 71-year-old man and you find that you're
not as interested in sex as much as you used to be.
Does you doctor have anything that might help?
CHARLEY WEAVER: No, but his nurse has!
ANSWER: Yes. Horomone injections might help.
Q: The leader of a new Senior Citizens group called the Gray
Panthers says that the happiness of older people depends on
two things. One of them is social reform. What's the other?
PAUL LYNDE: A good prune crop.
Q: According to a recnt article in the Miami Herald,
at age 78, is Groucho Marx still interested in sex?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes, but he's forgotten the secret word!
ANSWER: He says no.
Pregnancy and the Pill
Q: A woman you know has been trying to have a baby for the
past 3 years, but she hasn't had any luck. Can hypnosis help?
PAUL LYNDE: First I'd try dating.
ANSWER: Yes, assuming she is otherwise healthy.
Q: According to recent large-scale studies on the pill in
England, do women on the pill tend to be more outgoing than
CHARLEY WEAVER: If the pill works, they're out going all the time.
ANSWER: Yes. Outgoing, extroverted.
Q: True or false: One of the side effects of the pill can be depression.
PAUL LYNDE: Only if she forgets to take it!
Q: True or false: In Italy it is against the law to send a
pregnant woman to jail.
HARVEY KORMAN: Yes, and no Italian woman has gone to jail in
ANSWER: True. The sentence is postponed.
Q: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would
like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to
wait awhile. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.
ANSWER: Because of her career.
Q: You're in your mommy's tummy waiting to be born. Can you
REDD FOXX: Yes, but you'll give away your position.
ANSWER: Yes, it happens.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife
or your elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?!?
ANSWER: Elephants carry their babies for 22 months. Your elephant.
Q: True or false: There has been a steady decline in the birth
rate in this country since 1957.
ROSE MARIE: I've certainly done my part.
ANSWER: True. 1957 was the all-time banner year for births.
Q: One woman you know takes birth control pills. Another
woman doesn't take the pill. Which of them probably
PAUL LYNDE: Can the pill make ya' smoke?
ANSWER: The woman who takes the pill, according to studies
Q: According to the A.M.A., should a pregnant woman use
CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes. If she wants a tall, skinny child.
Q: Ann Landers recently stated, "If you're pregnant, girls,
do your baby a favor. Don't..." Don't what?
PAUL LYNDE: Don't break up with your boyfriend.
Q: A girl has been married for a year and she's still not
pregnant. According to People magazine, should she
see a doctor?
ROSE MARIE: If he's single.
ANSWER: Yes. Have a check-up.
Q: The famous "rabbit test" will tel you if you're pregnant.
What will the "mouse test" tell you?
PAUL LYNDE: If Annette Funicello is pregnant.
ANSWER: The same thing: if you are pregnant.
Q: According to an old wives' tale, if a woman is carrying
her baby high and to the right, what will she give birth to?
MARTY ALLEN: A conservative.
ANSWER: A boy. But it's just an old wives' tale.
Q: True or false: According to Today's Health
magazine, orchids might be able to be used for birth control.
PAUL LYNDE: If ya' leave the pin in.
ANSWER: True. research is being done on a certain kind of
Q: Is it dangerous for a pregnant woman to use bug spray?
CHARLEY WEAVER: It's too late, anyway.
ANSWER: Yes. Pregnant women should never use pesticides.
Q: Can an airline stewardess get pregnant and remain a
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, after a cigarette and a little nap.
Q: You're taking the new "mini-pill." What will it do for you?
PAUL LYNDE: It'll ward off pygmies.
ANSWER: Keep you from having babies. It's like the Pill,
but with less side effects.
Q: Who usually has a faster heartbeat, a pregnant mother or
her unborn baby?
JOHN DAVIDSON: How about the mystery father?
ANSWER: The baby does - usually 120 beats per minute.
Q: Before you are born, is it possible for you to frown?
PAUL LYNDE: Only at strangers.
Q: True or false: Scientists now believe that the moon
might be used for birth control.
PAUL LYNDE: That's hard to swallow.
ANSWER: True. The moon may be affecting our biological cycles.
The Birds & The Bees
Q: What's the first thing you should do if you get stung by
PAUL LYNDE: Swell up.
ANSWER: Remove the stinger.
Q: Why is the booby bird called the booby bird?
KAREN VALENTINE: Because they've got big...feet!
ANSWER: Because they're so stupid.
Q: A male fly has just finished a romantic encounter.
According to fly experts, what should the fly be looking
forward to in the near future?
PAUL LYNDE: I don't think he's going to do much better
than another fly.
ANSWER: Dying. Most die fairly soon.
Q: What is the slowest moving creature on earth?
ROSE MARIE: The guys I go out with.
ANSWER: The snail. It takes 3 weeks to cover one mile.
Q: True or false: It is illegal in California to transport a
parrot across the state line.
PAUL LYNDE: Only if it's for immoral purposes.
Q: According to the World Book, what would you call a
grasshopper with short feelers?
JAN MURRAY: Unlucky in love.
ANSWER: A locust.
Q: Your are teaching your parrot to talk. Will he do better
if you cover his cage, or should you leave it uncovered?
PAUL LYNDE: Uncovered...so he can see my whip!
ANSWER: Keep it covered.
Q: How often do hummingbirds mate?
JIM BROLIN: 6,324 times a minute.
ANSWER: Twice a year.
Q: How does a boy firely find a girl firefly?
PAUL LYNDE: Trial and error.
ANSWER: By following her flashing lights.
Q: What does a female moth do when she wants to attract
CHARLEY WEAVER: She eats his clothes off.
ANSWER: She releases a scent.
Q: Studies show that eagles can do something about
eight times better than humans. Do what?
PAUL LYNDE: Make baby eagles.
Q: Your pet canary is swinging in its cage, singing
its heart out. Is it probably a boy canary, or a girl
MARTY ALLEN: I can't tell...it's swingin' too fast.
ANSWER: Probably a boy, since most girl canaries don't sing.
Q: Beekeepers sometimes give their bees a little nip of
PAUL LYNDE: Beekeepers are so lonely!
ANSWER: To get them interested in making honey. Bees are
sometimes slow to get to work in the spring.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Times, the Chinese
have a very special use for hummingbird tongues. What do
they use them for?
JAN MURRAY: Cheap little thrills.
ANSWER: For eating. They are considered a rare delicacy.
Q: Zoo keepers often put a sock over an ostrich's head. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: So the ostrich can't identify him in court.
ANSWER: To lead them or treat them if they are ill.
The sock prevents them from becoming frightened.
Q: If you had your choice, Paul, would you rather be
kicked by a mule, or by an ostrich?
PAUL LYNDE: ...They both sound pretty good to me!
ANSWER: By the mule. The ostrich can kick much harder.
LSD - Love, Sex and Dating
Q: According to columnist Ellen Peck, if a girl goes out on a
date and unexpectedly finds herself at an X-rated movie that
she doesn't want to see, what should she say to her date?
PAUL LYNDE: "Untie me, please."
ANSWER: "Let's leave."
Q: You've decided that you just shouldn't continue dating
this girl you've been going with for three months. According
to The Playboy Advisor, where's the best place to give her
CHARLEY WEAVER: Leave a note in the crib.
ANSWER: Preferably at a a public place, like a restaurant,
because you might weaken alone at night.
Q: According to Dear Abby, what's the first thing a
16-year-old girl should do about a boy who won't keep
his hands to himself?
JOAN RIVERS: Marry him - that's how I cured Edgar!
ANSWER: Tell him to cut it out. If that doesn't work,
get rid of him.
Q: In a recent interview, Dinah Shore admitted that being in
love has ruined her ability to do something as well as she
once did. What can't she do as well anymore?
PAUL LYNDE: Walk.
ANSWER: Play tennis.
Q: According to the Encylopedia of Ettiquette, when is it
not proper for a man to kiss a woman's hand?
CHARLEY WEAVER: When she's stuffing a turkey.
ANSWER: When she's wearing gloves.
Q: You've given your girlfriend a new angora sweater.
A week later, she complains to you that it's been shedding.
Is there anything you can do about it?
PAUL LYNDE: Tape her mouth shut.
ANSWER: No, according to Glamour Magazine.
Q: According to Hugh O'Brien, of all the women he's dated,
the one he enjoyed most was a...a what?
CHARLEY WEAVER: A Phillipine acrobat.
ANSWER: A Princess - Princess Soraya.
Q: In her advice column, Ask Karen, Karen Valentine
tells a 14-year-old girl who is afraid of boys that young
guys can be three things. They can be fun, they can be
companions...and what else?
PAUL LYNDE: ...They can be daddies!
ANSWER: Great friends.
Q: According to Photoplay, there is one thing Joe
Namath doesn't like his dates to discuss. What?
BURT REYNOLDS: His passes.
Q: According to columnist Ann Landers, is it okay to hold
hands in the halls at school?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not at West Point!
Q: According to Dear Abby, is it wise for a woman to tell
a man she loves him before he says it first?
PAUL LYNDE: If there's time...
ANSWER: No. If he hasn't said so, chances are he
wouldn't be sincere in following her hint.
Q: You and your girl are kissing alfresco. What is alfresco?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Just an innocent bystander.
Q: Newspapers in London are saying that the romance between
MarkPhillips and Princess Anne is getting quite serious, and
that it all started because the two of them shared a common
passion for something. For what?
PAUL LYNDE: Chiffon.
Q: According to Joanne Woodward, there is something which,
like love, "should be done and not talked about." What is it?
MEL BROOKS: Laundry.
Q: True or false: John Davidson's first date when he came to
Hollywood was Annette Funicello.
PAUL LYNDE: Wasn't everybody's?
Q: You're a shy, bashful girl...
ROSE MARIE: Oh, no I'm not!
Q: All hypothetical, we know that...according to Cosmo,
will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by
choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband?
ROSE MARIE: Gee, I did that once, Pete, and his wife caught us.
Q: According to Dear Abby, after a young man who is dating
a young woman tells her "I love you" repeatedly, there is
another question she usually expects to hear next. What is it?
CHARLEY WEAVER: "Shall we get back in the car?"
ANSWER: "Will you marry me?"
Q: In a recent interview, Tony Randall said, "Every woman
I've ever been intimate with in my life was..." what?
PAUL LYNDE: Extremely disappointed.
Q: According to Amy Vanderbilt, what is the maximum length
of time you and your fiancee should be engaged?
ROSE MARIE: Engaged in what?
ANSWER: 6 months.
Q: When you take a girl home after a date, should you offer
to unlock the door for her?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Let her find her own way out.
Q: According to Amy Vanderbilt, how long should a formal
PAUL LYNDE: Well, check-out time's eleven...
ANSWER: 6 months. Any longer makes a risky marriage.
Q: You have a date with a Spanish girl, and when you pick
her up, she has a duenna. What does that mean?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Don't kiss her on the lips.
ANSWER: A chaperone - very proper for Spanish girls.
Q: According to the Old Farmer's Almanac, if a man gives a
woman a tulip, it means that hers are the most beautiful he
has ever seen. The most beautiful what?
PAUL LYNDE: Bulbs.
Q: According to Abigail Van Buren, if a young girl would
like to find out what her prospective mate is realy like
to live with, whom should she ask?
JAN MURRAY: His wife.
ANSWER: His mother.
Q: According to Coronet magazine, nothing confuses
a man more than when a woman suddenly starts...starts what?
PAUL LYNDE: Before he gets there.
Q: Every time you kiss your girl, you feel an irrepressible
urge to laugh. Does The Playboy Advisor have any
recommendations for this problem?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Try Miss September.
ANSWER: Yes. Get more experience. This may calm you down,
or you may need psycholgical counseling.
Q: According to Cosmopolitan, every so often a girl will
hear "the dreaded question" on a date, even if she's dating
the world's greatest lover. What is "the dreaded question"?
PAUL LYNDE: "Would you like to see my war wound?"
ANSWER: "Where do you want to go?"
Q: Helen Gurley Brown recently said of Henry Kissinger, "His
most outstanding, endearing quality is his ability to make
someone feel..." Feel what?
JAN MURRAY: His thighs.
Q: Pat Nixon has worked at many things in her life. What was
she doing when she met the President?
PAUL LYNDE: Hitchhiking.
ANSWER: Teaching school.
Q: Jesse L. Steinfeld is very concerned about what you eat,
drink, or smoke. Why?
MARTY ALLEN: He's my mother.
ANSWER: He's Surgeon General of the United States (at least,
at the time of this question.)
Q: According to Aristotle Onassis, after you've been this
way for four years, nothing surprises you. What way is that?
PAUL LYNDE: Irregular.
Q: Not long ago, while commenting on a very timely topic,
Julie Nixon Eisenhower remarked, "Nothing could be more
personal than a..." A what?
JAN MURRAY: A hickey.
ANSWER: A tape.
Q: Queen Elizabeth says she's had 25 years experience with it,
and she definitley thinks it's a good thing. What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: David Niven.
ANSWER: Marriage and family life.
Q: According to Newsweek, there's one thing that
Ronald Reagan does not like to be called. What is it?
MARTY ALLEN: Collect.
Q: Martha Mitchell recently said that she wants to work
somewhereto "try to put a little love into the world."
Where does she want to work to do this?
PAUL LYNDE: Sunset Boulevard.
ANSWER: In the State Department.
Q: Aristotle Onassis' old friend, Maria Callas, recently did
something for the first time, and surprisingly she didn't sing
a note while doing it. What did she do?
PAUL LYNDE: Sank his yacht.
ANSWER: She made her film debut.
Q: According to Mrs. Nixon herself, how does she want to be
CHARLEY WEAVER: As the wife of one of America's great presidents.
She didn't say which one.
ANSWER: Just as the wife of a President.
Q: Mrs. Spiro Agnew recently published an article in Today's
Health entitled, "Don't Be Ashamed To Call Yourself..." What?
PAUL LYNDE: Contagious.
Q: According to Newsweek, what one word did Julie Nixon
Eisenhower say when she broke her toe recntly?
JAN MURRAY: Whiplash!
Q: According to the Los Angeles Herald Examiner,
whenever Mrs. Ronald Reagan gets mad, she sits in the
bathtub and talks to someone. Who?
PAUL LYNDE: George Murphy.
ANSWER: Herself. She holds long conversations with herself.
Q: Golda Meir recently stated, "Never has a man presumed, never,
to do that in my presence." Do what in her presence?
MILTON BERLE: Nipped at her brisket.
ANSWER: "Tell a shady joke," an off-color story.
Q: According to Newsweek, Jackie Onassis has had 19
of them in her New York apartment in the past four years.
PAUL LYNDE: 19 of the most glorious minutes of her life.
Q: Sen. Barry Goldwater recently stated, "I don't think it's
a precious right, but I don't think it should be jammed down
anyone's throat." What is it?
JIM BROLIN: Infidelity.
ANSWER: The right to vote.
Q: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a
"goodwill" mission, but instead wound up being stoned and shouted
at. Where did this take place?
PAUL LYNDE: Pat's room.
ANSWER: In South America.
Q: Princess Anne recently said, "It's the one thing the world
can see I do well, and it's got nothing to do with my position
or anything." What's the thing she does well?
ROSE MARIE: She ties her own shoes.
ANSWER: Ride a horse.
Q: True or false: Virginia Knauer advises the President about
JAN MURRAY: True, she's the Secretary of Hotels, Motels and
Q: Mrs. Spiro Agnew has something named "Leo" which Bob Hope
gave her. What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: A son.
ANSWER: A poodle.
Q: U.S. News and World Report said that Governor Reagan
has recently been deluged with a tremendous amount of requests
to do one particular thing. What is it?
SUZANNE PLESHETTE: Retire.
ANSWER: Speak at Republican rallies.
Q: William F. Buckley, Jr. has taken lessons in something, and
he claims he's pretty good at it. At what?
JIM BACKUS: Natural childbirth.
ANSWER: Karate. "Providence has been very good to the people
who haven't tested me," he says.
Q: According to Mrs. Harry Truman, there are two things that a
woman must have to be a first lady. One is good health.
What is the other?
PAUL LYNDE: A good build.
ANSWER: A sense of humor.
Books, Stories and Comics
Q: Chad Everett, of Medical Center, has just had a
book published. What's Doc Everett's book about?
PAUL LYNDE: The heartbreak of psoriasis.
ANSWER: Poetry, to his wife.
Q: One of the most popular books of recent months has been
The Sensuous Woman, written by someone who signed her
name simply, "J." What does "J" stand for?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Judging by the book, she'd stand for anything!
ANSWER: Joan. The author is Joan Garrity.
Q: Christine Jorgensen has written a book entitled A Lump,
A Pinch, and A Dash. What is this book about?
PAUL LYNDE: Her sex life.
ANSWER: It's a cookbook.
Q: According to the new book Those Fabulous Greeks,
as a boy, it was the first thing Aristotle Onassis saw in
the morning and the last thing he saw at night. What was it?
JAN MURRAY: Maria Callas.
ANSWER: The sea.
Q: There's a popular new book out called Please Touch.
What's it about?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Rose Marie.
ANSWER: Encounter groups and other therapy involving the
hugging and touching of other people.
Q: According to the book The Art of Looking Younger,
there is one particular thing that is never, ever good for
your skin, in spite of the fact that you might enjoy it.
What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: A bullwhip.
ANSWER: The sun.
Q: Louisa May Alcott wrote the famous book, Little Women.
She also wrote a book about men. What was it called?
PAUL LYNDE: What You Always Wanted To Know About Little
Women But Were Afraid To Ask.
ANSWER: Little Men.
Q: Who wrote Over The River and Into The Trees?
VINCENT PRICE: Lassie.
ANSWER: Ernest Hemmingway.
Q: Sex experts Masters and Johnson have been rebuked for
having written a book about sex without mentioning a
particular four-letter word even once. What is this word?
PAUL LYNDE: Rest.
Q: There have been several books and movies about a character
called Horatio Hornblower, R.N. What does R.N. stand for?
ARTE JOHNSON: Registered Nurse.
ANSWER: Royal Navy.
Q: In a famous scene, Tom Sawyer promises his buddies he'd
let them have a peek at something. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Becky Thatcher.
ANSWER: His sore toe.
Q: A booklet put out by Buckingham Palace warns you not to
serve oysters and wine to Princess Anne. Why not?
PAUL LYNDE: She goes crazy!
ANSWER: She hates them, that's why.
Q: According to the book The Difference Between a Man and
a Woman, what is the very first trauma that a human male experiences?
JAN MURRAY: Is this male Jewish?
ANSWER: The trauma of birth.
Q: According to best-selling author Dr. David Reuben, what is
the most powerful sexual instrument?
PAUL LYNDE: Unlimited cash.
ANSWER: The brain.
Q: There is a best-selling book entitled A Man Called Lucy.
What's it about?
MARTY ALLEN: Hairdressing.
ANSWER: Spying. Lucy was a famous spy during World War II.
Q: There's a popular new book which is subtitled Jackie and
Ari's First Year. What's the real title of the book?
PAUL LYNDE: It Happened One Night.
ANSWER: The $2,000,000 Honeymoon.
Q: According to the book The Joy of Sex, "Getting
something is probably the most important lesson of
sex." Getting what?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Getting on with it!
ANSWER: "Unscared," or relaxed.
Q: True or false: Albert Einstein and Sigmund Freud once
got together and wrote a book.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, it was called Sex and the Speed of Light.
Q: According to the book Comfortable Words, what is
the most thoroughly disapproved-of word in the English language?
ROSE MARIE: Single.
ANSWER: "Ain't." Everybody hates it.
Q: According to the book How Sex Can Keep You Slim, an
average romantic session burns up how many calories?
50, 100, or 200?
PAUL LYNDE: I don't care. I'll stick to cottage cheese.
Q: Well, Dr. David Reuben has come out with a sequel to
his best-selling book. The new one is called Any Woman...
Any woman what?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Will Do.
Q: According to the book The Cowboys, back in the
Old West, where would you look to see a cowboy's jingle-bobs?
PAUL LYNDE: Is that before or after the Indian raid?
ANSWER: On his spurs.
Q: Pat Nixon has written a book containg some of her memoirs
called Someone, Come Home. Who is the someone?
VINCENT PRICE: That's what Dick would like to know!
ANSWER: Checkers, their late, great dog.
Q: Recently, the biggest-selling book in Moscow was a bulky,
4-volume set that sold for 12 rubles. It listed 850,000
PAUL LYNDE: Positions.
ANSWER: Phone numbers. In Moscow you have to buy their
Q: In Alice in Wonderland, what was the Queen of
Hearts' favorite sport?
CHARLEY WEAVER: The Jack of Clubs.
Q: With which book do you associate the phrase, "Big Brother
is watching you"?
PAUL LYNDE: Anything by Masters and Johnson.
ANSWER: 1984, by George Orwell.
Q: According to the book Wake Up Your Body, if your
wife gives you a warm bath, followed by a nice, easy massage,
what usually happens next?
JAN MURRAY: She'll tell you what happened to the car.
ANSWER: You should fall alseep. That's what the treatment
Q: In the famous H. G. Wells story, The War of the Worlds,
the invading martians are finally killed by something very small.
What is it?
CHARLEY WEAVER: A spoonful of donkey fazoo.
ANSWER: Bacteria - germs.
Q: In the popular children's Mother Goose rhyme, what did the
pussy cat do under the Queen's chair?
PAUL LYNDE: Numero uno.
ANSWER: It frightened a mouse.
Q: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying, "I'm late,
PAUL LYNDE: Alice, and her mother is sick about it!
PETER: That's a good start, I'll tell you...
ANSWER: The White Rabbit.
Q: In a popular children's story, who kept saying, "I think I
can, I think I can"?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, now, out at the home that'd be Mr.
Ferguson...and Mrs. Ferguson keeps saying, "I wish he would,
I wish he would!"
ANSWER: The Little Engine That Could.
Q: In a famous fairy tale, a queen is bathing when a frog
jumps out of the water and says to the queen, "Thy wish
shall be fulfilled." What was the queen's wish?
PAUL LYNDE: She wanted the frog to talk dirty.
ANSWER: To have a child. And she eventually had Sleeping Beauty.
Q: According to a well-known Mother Goose rhyme, "Bye baby
bunting, Daddy's gona a-hunting to get a little..."
A little what?
CHARLEY WEAVER: That's true.
ANSWER: Rabbit skin.
Q: In the story of A Christmas Carol, Scrooge always
said "Bah, humbug!" every time Bob Cratchit said one particular
thing. What was it?
PAUL LYNDE: "Kiss me."
ANSWER: The word "Christmas."
Q: What world-famous fictional character lived away from
it all with an old man and a goat?
PAUL LYNDE: Jackie Onassis.
Q: In the comic strips, The Green Lantern got his awesome
power from a power ring and a gren lamp. What was the only
thing that could take his power away?
JAN MURRAY: Prune danish.
ANSWER: Anything yellow.
Q: Superman had a large "S" on his chest. What did Captain
Marvel have on his chest?
MARTY ALLEN: A training bra.
ANSWER: A golden thunderbolt.
Q: According to his publishers, Superman is going to undergo
an image change. What will the new Superman have that he doesn't
PAUL LYNDE: We won't know until they remove the bandages.
ANSWER: Long hair, sideburns, and new glasses.
Sex Education and Violence
Q: According to The Woman magazine, if you wake up
at night and sense there is a stranger in the room with you,
what should you do?
ROSE MARIE: Rejoice!
ANSWER: Pretend you're still asleep. Don't startle him.
Call the police as soon as he leaves.
Q: According to Coronet magazine, what is a man's basic
PAUL LYNDE: Being stuck in an elevator.
ANSWER: That his wife will go out and find someone better
than he is.
Q: True or false: Most physical attacks are never reported to
ROSE MARIE: No...I just put them in my diary.
Q: Sigmund Freud once said that there are just two basic
instincts. One, of course, is sex. What's the other?
PAUL LYNDE: Getting some.
Q: True or false: Disney Productions has made a sex-education
PAUL LYNDE: And guess what happens when Pinnochio tells a lie!
ANSWER: True - it's a 16-minute short on venereal disease.
Q: Are most sex crimes reported?
CHARLEY WEAVER: It depends on what you call a sex crime. Out
at the home, using someone else's slippers is considered a
ANSWER: No. The overwhelming majority go unreported.
Q: According to sex expert Dr. David Reuben, both men and women
often confuse sex with one thing other than love. What do they
confuse it with?
PAUL LYNDE: Stardom.
Q: What was the main source of sex education for the people who
are now adults: their parents, other children, or school?
NANETTE FABRAY: In my case, it was very thin walls.
ANSWER: Other children, according to a Good Housekeeping poll.
Q: According to "sexperts" Masters and Johnson, what is "the
greatest form of sex education"?
PAUL LYNDE: On-the-job training.
ANSWER: Learning from one's parents. Particularly by
observing a wholesome give-and-take relationship in the home.
Q: According to Ladies' Home Journal, if a mature man
is having an affair, is he likely to talk about it?
ROSE MARIE: Yes, and if he won't, I've got my own publicity man.
ANSWER: Yes. To reassure himself of his masculinity.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Herald Examiner, does
famed anthropologist Dr. Margaret Mead think that having an
affair with a fellow office-worker is a good idea?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. But unfortunately her fellow office
ANSWER: No. It's a no-no.
Q: According to Reader's Digest, do "peeping devices"
in the door of a girl's home help make it safer?
JIM BROLIN: It certainly makes them a lot more interesting.
ANSWER: Yes. Definitely.
Q: According to Look magazine, what is the best thing
to do if you are confronted by a mugger?
ROSE MARIE: Find out if he's single.
ANSWER: Give him your money, or as they put it, "Give up,
shut up and pay up."
Q: According to Dr. David Reuben, what is the worst place in
the house for a couple to discuss sexual problems?
PAUL LYNDE: The oven.
ANSWER: The bedroom.
Q: If you get an obscene phone call, should you attempt to
reason with the caller?
ROSE MARIE: Only if he threatens to hang up!
ANSWER: No. You should simply hang up.
Q: You're wearing high-heeled shoes when an attacker starts
coming after you. Should you run in those shoes or take
them off first and then run?
ROSE MARIE: Last time it happened, I took my shoes off. It
worked. All he wanted was my shoes.
ANSWER: Take them off so you can use them as weapons if
Q: We all know that many colleges now offer courses in sex
education. Are they popular?
PAUL LYNDE: If they give ya' homework!
ANSWER: Yes, they are.
Q: According to Parade magazine, what night of the
week is a woman most likely to be molested?
ROSE MARIE: Well, with my luck it's tonight and I'm working!
ANSWER: Saturday night - 8 p.m. to 2 a.m.
Q: Researchers have found that one of the most effective methods
of scaring off prowlers is something that most any woman can do.
PAUL LYNDE: Have a baby.
Q: According to the magazine Sexual Behavior, if a man
attacks you, you should forget your femininity for a moment and
give him a good karate chop. Where?
ROSE MARIE: At my place.
ANSWER: In the Adam's Apple - the throat.
Q: If you get sex advertisements in the mail, Ann Landers
advises you to write two words and the word "please" on them
and drop them in a mailbox. What two words should you write?
CHARLEY WEAVER: "Send more."
ANSWER: Postal inspector.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Police Department, what is
the best thing for a woman to do when she is walking alone,
and finds that she's being followed by a man in a car?
ROSE MARIE: Hope it's a small foreign car and head straight
for the bedroom.
ANSWER: Turn and go in the opposite direction. Then he
will be forced to turn around to follow you. You do it again, etc.
Q: If a woman is walking alone, carrying something of
value in her purse, and she sees two or more people
approaching in a suspicious manner, what should she do
with her purse?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Kiss it good-bye.
ANSWER: Drop it in the nearest mailbox. It can be claimed
from the Post Office by describing its contents.
Q: According to police authorities, if you should ever be
unfortunate enough to come face-to-face with a burglar, you
should simply say to him, "I'll..." what?
PAUL LYNDE: (wink) "I'll let you tie me up."
ANSWER: "I'll give you whatever you want."
Q: According to New Woman magazine, if you are
attacked by a mugger on the street, should you scream?
ROSE MARIE: No, he might change his mind!
ANSWER: Yes, as loud as you can.
Q: In a recent column, Billy Graham said he would like to
urge young people to reserve sex for the only place it belongs.
Where is that?
PAUL LYNDE: The state prison.
ANSWER: In marriage.
Q: According to police...
ROSE MARIE: Police?
Q: Yes, police, if you are being molested, other than
yelling "Help," what is the best thing to scream?
ROSE MARIE : (Applauding) "More! More!"
ANSWER: "Fire." This gets more attention than just "help."
Q: In a recent survey in Sweden, young men and women
were asked if they thought marriage should come before
sex. What did the majority say?
PAUL LYNDE: Help me with my blouse.
ANSWER: 9 out of 10 said yes.
Q: According to Coronet Magazine, there can be no
meaningful marriage without it. Without what?
ROSE MARIE: A husband!
Q: The custom of putting a wedding ring on the third
finger of the left hand originated because it was
believed that a "vein of love" ran directly from that
finger to something else. What?
DEMOND WILSON: A Holiday Inn.
ANSWER: The heart, of course.
Q: According to a recent Gallup Poll, do most American
students favor sex before marriage?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Most students favor it instead
ANSWER: Yes, by 2 to 1.
Q: Do airline stewardesses generally make good wives?
PAUL LYNDE: They make good wives furious!
Q: According to a recent survey of high-school girls,
what quality did they rate most important in their
MARTY ALLEN: Endurance.
Q: According to Abagail Van Buren, if a girl happens
to be a loud snorer, should she inform her fiancee of
this before the wedding?
CHARLEY WEAVER: No. With today's generation he'll
ANSWER: Yes. There are enough surprises in marriage
without adding this one.
Q: Queen Victoria built the famous Albert Hall in
London as a memorial to her husband. She built it
in the shape of something you would normally find
at a wedding. What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: Lana Turner.
ANSWER: A wedding cake.
Q: According to tradition, you can always tell a
wedding ceremony is about to begin when somebody
walks in and sits down. Who?
CHARLEY WEAVER: The obstetrician.
ANSWER: The mother of the bride. It's the signal
Q: The ushers at a wedding are supposed to ask a
particular question of every female guest as she
arrives. What's the question?
PAUL LYNDE: "Do you mess around?"
ANSWER: "Are you a friend of the bride or the groom?"
Q: According to tradition, a bride should wear something
old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.
According to the poem, what should she tuck in her shoe?
STU GILLIAM: The Pill.
ANSWER: A lucky six-pence.
Q: What do you call a marriage not performed by a
CHARLEY WEAVER: A weekend.
ANSWER: A civil marriage.
Q: According to Bride's Magazine, the groom
should put it in a sealed envelope and give it to
the best man who will then give it to the minister.
What's in the envelope?
PAUL LYNDE: The Oscar winner for best scoring.
ANSWER: The minister's fee.
Q: According to Dear Abby, is there a law that can
force a man to marry a woman?
ROSE MARIE: Yes - it's called the father-in-law.
Q: Can you get married in Las Vegas all night?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes...or by the hour.
Q: According to nationwide surveys, at what age do
American men think it is best to get married?
CHARLEY WEAVER: I'd say 36D. Excuse me, I overanswered.
Q: We throw rice. What did the early Romans throw at
PAUL LYNDE: Orgies.
Q: In East Africa, if you want to marry a girl you
must first give her parents 30 to 50 of these.
What are they?
ARTE JOHNSON: Grandchildren.
Q: According to Silver Screen Magazine, Robert
Young recently stated that his wife was the first girl
that he ever...that he ever what?
PAUL LYNDE: Operated on.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at
a party and you think he's real attractive, is it okay
to come out directly and ask him if he's married?
ROSE MARIE: No, wait till morning.
ANSWER: No. Try to find out in a more subtle way.
Q: Within two, how many wives did Brigham Young have?
PAUL LYNDE: All of them.
Q: According to Bride's Magazine, if a woman is
saying "I do" for the second time, should she wear a veil?
CHARLEY WEAVER: What's the difference? If it's the
second time, we know she does!
ANSWER: No. Veils are for first timers.
Q: According to Dr. David Reuben, is a year of marriage
long enough for the average couple to find out if their
sex life will be happy?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes - then they should get back together.
ANSWER: No. For most couples it takes longer than that.
Q: According to surveys, do most newlyweds want to have
a son or a daughter first?
JAN MURRAY: First they want to get a room.
ANSWER: A son.
Q: Can you get married in prison?
PAUL LYNDE: If you're young and pretty.
Q: According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, is cheating
in marriage equally divided between husbands and wives?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes. I always took Monday, Wednesday and
Friday, and she got Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday.
Q: By law in France and Denmark, when a woman marries,
she is permitted to keep something she had when she was
SOUPY SALES: Her little boy.
ANSWER: Her maiden name.
Q: According to a recent study in the American Journal
of Sociology, the more a woman has of something, the
less likely she is to want to get married. What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: Male horomones.
Q: True or false: In surveys of college students, one
out of three say marriage is obsolete.
CHARLEY WEAVER: True. And that one should move out
and leave the other two alone.
Q: According to the time-honored tradition...and Amy
Vanderbilt...at the new groom's stag party, he should
lead all the other fellows in a toast to the new bride.
Then what should everyone do?
PAUL LYNDE: Watch the movie!
ANSWER: Break the stems of the glasses.
Q: According to a recent survey, there are two decisions
which newlyweds consider most important. One is whether
the bride should continue working. What is the other?
JAN MURRAY: Should they leave a wake-up call.
ANSWER: How many children they should have.
Q: According to Gentleman's Quarterly, is it wise
to let a travel agent help with your honeymoon plans?
PAUL LYNDE: No. Three's a crowd.
ANSWER: Yes. It can save you time and money.
Q: Statistically, who watches more television, a retired
couple in their sixties or a newlywed couple in their
JAN MURRAY: I'd say a newlywed couple in their sixties.
ANSWER: The couple in their twenties.
Q: According to Glamour, who generally handles
the in-laws better, the hubby or the wife?
CHARLEY WEAVER: My wife once caught me handling my
sister-in-law and it took me a long time to get better.
ANSWER: The hubby.
Q: True or false: Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5 million worth
of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone.
PAUL LYNDE: (wink) And it didn't cure her headache.
Q: Who generally has a better sense of taste, your wife
or your bird?
CHARLEY WEAVER: My bird - he refuses to go near my wife.
ANSWER: Your wife. Birds have almost no sense of taste.
Q: You, your wife, and a lone woman are all at a
restaurant. Whom should you seat first?
CHARLEY WEAVER: My wife, because she's all out of breath
from tracking us down.
ANSWER: The guest.
Q: Princess Grace of Monaco recently admitted, "I refer to
my husband as my 'leader,' and he refers to me as his..."
PAUL LYNDE: His trick.
Q: According to Dear Abby, is it considered in good taste
for a couple to frame their marriage certificate and hang
it on the wall?
CHARLEY WEAVER: No. They might forget it when they check
ANSWER: Yes. It's perfectly proper.
Q: According to Woman's Day Magazine, some men are
better sex partners when they reach middle age because
they have lost something. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Their wives.
ANSWER: Their inhibitions.
Q: According to Emily Post, when a couple arrives at a
motel, should the man go in and register alone, or should
his wife accompany him?
JAN MURRAY: Seems silly to go home and get her.
ANSWER: No. A woman need not appear in the lobby to
Q: True or false: According to the law, if a woman is
elected President, her husband has to be called the
JOAN RIVERS: Only if he really was.
ANSWER: False. There's no such law.
Q: According to Cary Grant, people should get married in
their early teens for one reason. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He likes 'em young.
ANSWER: To have children.
Q: You've just married a woman who is 6 inches taller than
you. According to the Ladies' Home Journal, does
this reduce your chances for a happy marriage?
CHARLEY WEAVER: No. But it reduces her chances.
ANSWER: No. Height plays no important part.
Q: According to research, is the average runaway wife
apt to be 20, 30 or 40?
MARTY ALLEN: If those are her measurements, let her go!
Q: At the famous Masters and Johnson Sex Research
Institute, the most-often asked question comes from
wives, wanting to know one thing about their husbands.
What do they ask?
PAUL LYNDE: "Where is he?"
ANSWER: Why he's lost interest in her.
Q: According to marriage counselors, there are 2 words
that every man and woman must learn to use if they want
their marriage to work. What words are they?
JAN MURRAY: Disrobe.
PETER: That's one word.
JAN: Well, then I have another word left over for
New Year's Eve!
ANSWER: "I'm sorry."
Q: According to Dr. Joyce Brothers, women today are
expected to marry men who have it over them in three
ways. He should be better educated, older, and one
other thing. What?
ROSE MARIE: Single.
Q: If a husband has 2 wives at the same time, it's
called bigamy. What is it called when a woman has 2
husbands at the same time?
PAUL LYNDE: Stereo.
Q: What is the marital status of most adults in America?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Bored stiff.
ANSWER: Most adults are married.
Q: A recent study has shown that the average woman in
Japan spends more than 5 hours each day doing something,
yet her husband spends only about an hour and a half
doing the same thing. Doing what?
PAUL LYNDE: Makin' love.
ANSWER: Watching T.V.
Q: Do psychiatrists consider it abnormal for a bride to
cry a lot during the first few weeks of her marriage?
PAUL LYNDE: Why don't psychiatrists mind their own
ANSWER: No. It's very normal.
Q: According to Dear Abby, is it a wife's duty to wake
her husband up in the morning?
CHARLEY WEAVER: If she knows where he's staying.
Q: Julie Nixon Eisenhower recently said that the only
time she cried since she's been married is when David
beat her. At what?
PAUL LYNDE: At home.
Q: True or false: According to statistics, married people
make better drivers than single people.
MARTY ALLEN: True. Because married people are in the
Q: According to Dear Abby, what should you do if you
suspect, but cannot prove, that your husband is trying
to kill you?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Buy a bulletproof nightie.
ANSWER: Get a divorce. If your marriage is that bad,
there's no hope.
Q: Is there anything a wife can legally do if her
husband refuses to repay money that she lent him?
PAUL LYNDE: Cut off his...privileges.
ANSWER: Yes. She can take him to court to collect.
Q: Can children wreck a happy marriage?
CHARLEY WEAVER: No. But they can foul up a casual
ANSWER: Yes. What is good for the children is not
always good for the marriage.
Q: According to Dr. Joyce Brothers, "It has replaced sex
as the greatest emotional and marital distubance." What
PAUL LYNDE: A good punch in the mouth.
ANSWER: Money problems.
Q: Is Mickey Rooney married right now?
JAN MURRAY: What time is it?
Q: According to the Los Angeles Citizens News,
sex is one of the two major causes of divorce. What is
JIM BROLIN: No sex.
Q: According to Alfred Hitchcock, after a few years of
marriage, what everyday thing often takes the place of sex?
PAUL LYNDE: Your wife.
Q: According to Tennessee law, a man cannot divorce his
wife unless he leaves her 10 pounds of dried beans, 5
pounds of dried apples, and a year's supply of...what?
PAUL LYNDE: Field hands.
Q: According to the popular new book on divorce called
Starting Over, there's a big surprise waiting for
the person who suddenly finds himself single again. What
CHARLEY WEAVER: Rose Marie.
ANSWER: Loneliness. It's really hard to prepare
yourself for being alone today.
Q: According to Coronet Magazine, it "really
bugged" Frank Sinatra when Mia Farrow refused to take
something from him. What did she refuse to take?
PAUL LYNDE: Frank Junior.
Q: True or false: Under old Roman law, a man could
divorce his wife merely by telling her he was doing so
in the presence of 7 witnesses.
CHARLEY WEAVER: Or if she was doing it in the
presence of 7 witnesses.
Q: According to Rona Barrett's Hollywood, Jane
Brolin says that her husband Jim always wanted to do it,
but she doesn't know if he'll every try it in front of
an audience. Try what?
PAUL LYNDE: Cheating.
Q: According to court records, when a couple that only has
one car gets a divorce, who usually gets the car?
JOAN RIVERS: The woman usually gets the car and the man
usually gets the shaft...and rightfully so!!!
ANSWER: The wife.
Q: According to Dear Abby, if a wife catches her husband
fooling around, should she give him another chance?
PAUL LYNDE: Sure. Practice makes perfect.
ANSWER: Yes. Be nice, says Abby.
Q: Who has the most trouble getting to sleep, bachelors,
married men, or divorced men?
ROSE MARIE: ...I'm trying to remember...
ANSWER: Divorced men.
Q: According to the mail Dear Abby receives, what is the
number one cause of friction beween married couples?
PAUL LYNDE: Burlap sheets?
ANSWER: Jealousy. Money is number two, and cards
are number three.
Q: Traditionally, an Arab husband can divorce his wife
by saying something three times. What?
JAN MURRAY: I love my camel.
ANSWER: "I divorce you" or "I divorce thee."
Q: If your marriage counselor looks uncomfortable when
you're discussing your problems with him, what should
PAUL LYNDE: Get dressed and leave.
ANSWER: Find someone else.
Q: True or false: Medical studies show that the longer
a man and a woman are married to each other, the more
their bodies ten to act like each others'.
CHARLEY WEAVER: I know Mr. Ferguson nursed their
Q: True or false: An approprite gift for your first
wedding anniversary is something made out of plastic.
PAUL LYNDE: Either that or the pill.
ANSWER: True. Plastic or paper.
Q: According to Amy Vanderbilt...
ROSE MARIE: Oh, Amy...
PETER: ...There are two gifts that are most appropriate
for a sixtieth, 60, 6-0...
ROSE MARIE: I heard you, Peter, I heard you! 60!...
PETER: ...a 60th wedding anniversary. One is diamonds.
What's the other?
ROSE MARIE: Batteries!!!
ANSWER: Something made of gold.
Q: Ari Onassis once promised Jackie, "I will tell you
everything I know, except for one thing. I will never
tell you..." What?
PAUL LYNDE: My height.
ANSWER: "Bad news."
Facts And Figures
Q: Has sex been around for more than a billion years?
CHARLEY WEAVER: As far as I know it went into hiding
about 30 years ago.
Q: True or false: Roses will last longer if you put
a little sugar in their water.
ROSE MARIE: I don't know, but if you freshen my drink
I can last all night.
Q: True or false: By law, women in the military cannot
bear arms, are not trained to handle weapons, and may
not serve in combat situations.
PAUL LYNDE: There's only one thing left!
ANSWER: True (At least, at the time this book was
Q: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights
in this country?
CHARLEY WEAVER: If she can fit under the seat, she
ANSWER: No, just a limit on the number of pieces.
Q: There is a force that pulls a body outward when it is
moving in a circle. What do we call it?
PAUL LYNDE: A living bra.
ANSWER: Centrifugal force.
Q: According to the World Book, what will a new Marine
in boot camp hear every night at 10 p.m.?
GEORGE GOBEL: "Do you find me attractive?"
Q: Einstein's theories hold that nothing in the universe
can ever move faster than one particulat thing. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A Mexican food taster.
ANSWER: The speed of light.
Q: True or false: According to a study in the magazine
Psychology Today, put a group of strangers in a
dark room for 90 minutes and eventually they will start
feeling affectionate towards each other.
MARTY ALLEN: What took so long?
Q: In 1944, President Roosevelt signed the Serviceman's
Readjustment Act, which became better known by what
JOAN RIVERS: The June Taylor Dancers.
ANSWER: The G.I. Bill of Rights.
Q: True or false: About 25 percent of all fatal fires in
the home start in the bedroom.
CHARLEY WEAVER: Out to the home, that's the only
thing that starts in the bedroom.
ANSWER: True. From smoking in bed.
Q: You're lying on the bed in a supine position. Can
you see the ceiling?
PAUL LYNDE: Am I alone?
ANSWER: Yes. Supine means you're lying on your back.
Q: According to the laws of science, if something isn't
a gas or a solid what is it?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Out at the home, it's a false alarm!
ANSWER: A liquid.
Q: Before you go to bed at night, you clamp a new
invention on the back of your head that gouges you
with 60 tiny plastic spikes if you roll over on your
back. What is the new invention supposed to prevent?
ROSE MARIE: Babies.
ANSWER: Snoring. You're more apt to snore while
you're sleeping on your back.
Q: How long, at the outside, should it take you to
make a bed?
ARTE JOHNSON: I don't know...my bed's inside.
ANSWER: 5 minutes. Any longer and you're probably
doing it wrong.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom
orr in the closet?
ROSE MARIE: Peter, unfortunately, I'm always safe
in the bedroom.
ANSWER: The closet. The small room will probably
give you more protection.
Q: True or false: Spanking is legal in Los Angeles
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, but only between consenting adults.
ANSWER: True. It's a new rule.
Q: Do scientists have a special word for
something that lasts only one-billionth of a second?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Out at the home, it's called hanky-panky.
ANSWER: Yes. It's called a nano-second.
Q: True or false: There is an unmistakable shortage
of fertilizer in America this year.
VINCENT PRICE: Not according to TV Guide.
Q: According to the Internal Revenue Service, is it
ever possible for you to claim your great-grandmother
as a tax exemption?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, but hurry!
ANSWER: Yes, if you provide more than half of
her total support.
Q: True or false: The majority of Americans have
never spent even one night in a hotel.
CHARLEY WEAVER: Most of us have spent a few hours, though.
Q: Within two inches, how tall is Aristotle Onassis?
ROSE MARIE: Standing on his wallet?
ANSWER: 5' 1".
Q: In an average year, California has 200 of them.
PAUL LYNDE: Successful marriages.
Q: Two people named Gregg and Pitman have helped
secretaries the world over keep their bosses happy.
What did Gregg and Pitman do?
SALLY STRUTHERS: They invented the Hide-a-Bed.
ANSWER: They developed shorthand.
Q: Is it illegal to use a false name when you
check into a hotel?
CHARLEY WEAVER: If it is, I'm wanted in 27 states.
Q: You are sinking in quicksand. According to the
World Book, what is the first thing you should do?
PAUL LYNDE: Disrobe and hope you'll attract a crowd.
ANSWER: Lie down flat with your arms outstretched.
You will float, according to the World Book.
Q: True or false: You've spent about a third of your
life in bed.
ROSE MARIE: Then it better work out to be the last
Q: True or false: It's against the law in New York to
sell alligator shoes.
ROSE MARIE: You can't sell them drinks, either...
ANSWER: True. Anything made from an endangered
species of animal is illegal to sell.
Q: True or false: No girl with more than a 37-inch
bust has ever won the Miss America Pageant.
CHARLEY WEAVER: True, but one came in second...
Q: Scientists describe it this way: "The excitation of
surface nerves due to light stimulation, causing
reactions of uneasiness or spasmodic movement." What
do we call it?
PAUL LYNDE: Levi's.
Q: How often do you celebrate a sexennial?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not too often, anymore.
ANSWER: Every six years.
Man's Best Friends
Q: Can a Chihuahua have a nervous breakdown?
PAUL LYNDE: If he's in love with a Great Dane.
ANSWER: Yes. According to experts, dogs can
suffer from the same emotional problems as people.
Q: Your dog has been having some trouble finding
the newspaper you spread out for him. Is it
possible he needs glasses?
CHARLEY WEAVER: If he misses the newspaper, he'd
never hit a glass.
ANSWER: Yes. A dog's eyesight has been known to
improve with glasses.
Q: According to Dr. Peter Steincrohn, is it a bad
idea to kiss your dog on the mouth?
PAUL LYNDE: It seems only natural after petting.
ANSWER: Yes. there's always a chance of picking up
Q: Does a dog have a need for privacy?
MEL BROOKS: Yes, but they'll settle for a tree.
Q: What do we call a cat with blue eyes, a small head,
cream-colored body, and chocolate face, legs and tail?
PAUL LYNDE: A tap dancer.
ANSWER: A Siamese.
Q: If you see your pet dog chewing on the grass in
your back yard, is that a sign that he's not feeling
CHARLEY WEAVER: No, but if you catch him smoking
ANSWER: No. Dogs eat grass to prevent not feeling
Q: True or false: There is a dating service in Los
Angeles designed exclusively for dogs.
ROSE MARIE: That explains my last date!
Q: When your pet male fish starts blowing bubbles in
his aquarium, what does it mean?
CHARLEY WEAVER: No more Mexican fish food.
ANSWER: He is ready for breeding.
Q: When a dog is happy that you've just arrived home,
he'll wag his tail. What will a goose do?
PAUL LYNDE: Make him bark.
Q: Dalmatians have been known as fire dogs for a long
time. Did Dalmatians ever really help put out a fire?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Maybe a small brush fire.
ANSWER: No, they just went along as mascots.
Q: Eddie Fisher recently told an interviewer, "What
I want to do now is..." What does he want to do now?
PAUL LYNDE: Give Liz one more chance.
ANSWER: Write a book.
Q: What famous star recently said, "I'm the only star
in TV with a complete male and female wardrobe"?
JIM BROLIN: Do you want them in alphabetical order?
ANSWER: Flip Wilson. referring to Geraldine, of course.
Q: Something belonging to Frank Sinatra recently
caught fire. Fortunately, none of the 6 people
inside it were injured. What was it that caught fire?
PAUL LYNDE: His sleeping bag.
ANSWER: His yacht.
Q: True or false: According to Hollywood columnist
Doris Lilly, Sophia Loren will only allow one side
of her face to be photographed.
MEL BROOKS: The inside, but you need a very small
Q: There is one word that has been closely associated
with Lawrence Welk for a long time and in a recent
"Candid Viewer" interview, he said it 9 times. What
word is it?
PAUL LYNDE: Laxative.
Q: Actress Jill St. John recently said that Henry
Kissinger has the most fabulous one she's ever
encountered. What was she referring to?
MARTY ALLEN: She didn't say.
ANSWER: His mind.
Q: According to Jimmy Stewart, he used to date Olivia
de Havilland, but he had to stop going out with her
because he couldn't introduce her to people. Why not?
PAUL LYNDE: His wife had no sense of humor.
ANSWER: He couldn't pronounce her name.
Q: According to Burt Reynolds, women reach their
best after what?
ROSE MARIE: Three martinis.
Q: Liz Taylor refers to it as "the fat one." What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: They both look the same to me!
ANSWER: The 69-carat diamond.
Q: True or false: Mae West will soon appear in the
centerfold of Playboy Magazine.
JAN MURRAY: False. Playboy Magazine will soon
appear in the centerfold of Mae West.
Q: According to Jackie Onassis' former masseuse, does
Aristotle spoil her?
PAUL LYNDE: Only when Jackie's away.
Q: What does Britain's Princess Anne say is the
great love of her life?
VINCENT PRICE: Sal Mineo.
Q: Pat Nixon recently stated, "He's so much fun."
Who was she referring to?
PAUL LYNDE: That's what Dick would like to know.
ANSWER: Her hubby, Richard.
Q: According to colu7mnist Dorothy Manners, "Zsa Zsa
and Eva Gabor have probably not made one in their
entire lives." Made what?
ROSE MARIE: About the only thing I can think of
would be a Viking.
ANSWER: A bed.
Q: Cary Grant admitted recently that rather than be
hounded by women seeking autographs, he sometimes
gives them a...A what?
PAUL LYNDE: A peek.
Q: According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined
more actors than drink. What is it?
JIM BROLIN: Otto Preminger.
ANSWER: Wealth, or money. It spoils them.
Q: Advice columnist Ann Landers says that when she
hears those "four-letter words" in mixed company, they
make her feel a certain way. What way is that?
PAUL LYNDE: All tingly.
Q: True or false: A rumored romance is being reported
between Mama Cass Elliot and Don Knotts.
LILY TOMLIN: True. She left him flat and he can't
get over her.
Q: John Wayne recently stated, "I try to do my best
for my country, but I consider myself really an expert
only when it comes to..." What?
PAUL LYNDE: Maureen O'Hara.
Q: Candice Bergen recently stated, "It's tough for me
not to like a man who is..." Who is what?
ROSE MARIE: Available.
Q: When David Janssen was introduced to President
Nixon recently, the President said to him, "I loved
you in the..." In the what?
PAUL LYNDE: ...the silly dream I had.
ANSWER: In "The Fugitive."
Q: According to the Detroit Sunday News, Redd
Foxx keeps something in his living room that reminds
him of Christmas. What is it?
JOAN RIVERS: A girl named Mary.
ANSWER: A Christmas tree.
Q: According to Hugh Hefner, at what time does he
usually go to bed?
PAUL LYNDE: At 6 P.M., and 8 P.M., and 11 P.M.
ANSWER:About 9 A.M. He stays up all night.
Q: Lana Turner recently announced that she's going
to franchise a chain of them. Of what?
VINCENT PRICE: Wedding chapels.
Q: According to Suzanne Pleshette, first she considers
herself a wife. What does she consider herself second?
PAUL LYNDE: Unfaithful.
ANSWER: A daughter.
Q: The Rev. Billy Graham was once offered something
by Cecil B. DeMille, but he turned it down. Most
people would have jumped at it. What was it?
PAUL LYNDE: Paulette Goddard.
ANSWER: A role in one of his spectaculars.
Q: Is Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. a knight?
JIM BROLIN: He's hardly an evening anymore.
Q: Aristotle Onassis recently told a gossip columnist
that "anyone circulating this story will be sued by
Mrs. Onassis and myself for publishing false and
malicious rumors." What story was it?
PAUL LYNDE: I can't tell you. They'll sue me.
ANSWER: That they're getting a divorce.
Q: Pearl bailey recently spoke to the President for
40 minutes, then he reminded her that the last time
she visited him, she took home something odd as a
souvenir. What was it?
STU GILLIAM: The Ambassador from Liberia.
ANSWER: A chair.
Q: According to Robert Redford, man's greatest
weakness can be summed up in one word. What word?
PAUL LYNDE: Hernia.
Q: Lawrence Welk says that as a young boy he once
went trapping for wild animals, and when he sold
the skins and got fifteen dollars, he went out and
bought his first one. His first what?
JAN MURRAY: Lennon Sister.
Q: Jack Lord, of "Hawaii Five-0," recently stated,
"You can't live in Hawaii very long without picking
up a lot of..." What?
PAUL LYNDE: Sailors.
ANSWER: The Hawaiian language.
Q: According to Anthony Quinn, "If I don't blank
during a day, I can't eat or make love." What does
Quinn have to do during a day in order to eat or
PAUL LYNDE: Beg.
Dressed Or Undressed.
Q: In a recent survey, people were asked if they
would take off all their clothes in public for
$1 million, what did the majority say?
CHARLEY WEAVER: You're standing on my shorts.
ANSWER: The vast majority said no.
Q: In mythology, somebody famous slew the Queen of
the Amazons and took her girdle. Who was it.
PAUL LYNDE: The Earl of Fetish.
ANSWER: Hercules. It was one of his twelve labors.
Q: A woman you know tell you that her bra size seems
to change a little about every 6 months. Is that
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, out at the home, it's not
unusual. It's not even pretty!
ANSWER: No, it's quite common.
Q: According to Dr. David Reuben, can a woman with a
29AAA bra size somehow manage to nurse a baby?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, but stand by with a sandwich.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Herald, if
a woman's girdle is too tight, what may she develop?
JOAN RIVERS: A very large bosom.
ANSWER: Varicose veins.
Q: Is there any such thing as an F cup, in bra sizes?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, it sleeps four.
Q: Why do medical experts say that women should not
wear a girdle when going outdoors in very cold weather?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Because it's not as warm as a coat.
ANSWER: It impedes circulation.
Q: True or false: many people sleep better in their
street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.
Q: According to Good Housekeeping, how many
years is the life expentancy of your negligee?
ROSE MARIE: If you're talking about wear and tear, mine
will last forever.
ANSWER: Two years.
Q: According to Gentleman's Quarterly, what is
the number-one threat to masculine vanity?
PAUL LYNDE: See-through slacks.
Q: A nationwide survey of personnel directors was
recently taken, and they were asked if they would
hire a girl who showed up for an interview in a
see-through blouse. What did most of them say?
PAUL LYNDE: Bring her in!
ANSWER: 97 percent said no.
Q: A recent study has shown that you will always get
much faster service in a department store if you do
one thing to attract the clerk's attention. What
should you do?
MARTY ALLEN: Disrobe.
ANSWER: Smile. Clerks will stay away from
those who are scowling.
Q: Are there any nudist camps in Italy?
PAUL LYNDE: No. The flies would eat ya' alive.
Q: Are most people who go to nudist camps married?
CHARLEY WEAVER: No. But I've seen several of them
ANSWER: Yes, and most have children.
Q: It is considered bad taste at nudist camps to
discuss two subjects. One is politics. What is the
PAUL LYNDE: Tape measures.
Q: True or false: Whistler's famous mother once
blew her top when she caught her son painting the
family maid in the nude.
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, he was using a hand roller.
Q: Nudist camps often advertise that they offer the
"3 R's." Two of them are rest and relaxation. What is
the third "R" of nudist camps?
PAUL LYNDE: Oh, Reddi-Whip.
Q: Are there any pockets in a Scotsman's kilts?
PAUL LYNDE: Eventually.
Q: About two-thirds of the leather made in the
United States today is used to make...what?
PAUL LYNDE: Party favors.
Q: True or false: According to Earl Wilson, Liberace
has a floor-length ermine coat in his closet that
was originally designed for Queen Elizabeth.
RICH LITTLE: Who got the pumps?
Q: According to Sally Struthers, she wears loud
clothing because of one of her physical
characteristics. Which one?
PAUL LYNDE: Her left one.
ANSWER: Her size. She's small and feels loud
clothes will make her more noticable.
Q: What do these four names bring to mind? Captain
Molyneaux, Dorian, Adrian and Chanel?
ROSE MARIE: One of the most wonderful weekends I've
ANSWER: Dress designing.
Q: In lots of his movies, Michael Caine wears
something that very few heroes like to be seen in.
PAUL LYNDE: A peignoir.
Q: According to a recent letter in her column, does
Dear Abby approve of tight pants?
MARTY ALLEN: No, they make her cough.
ANSWER: No. She's against them.
Q: What would you expect to find under a cowboy's
PAUL LYNDE: I bet I'm disappointed.
ANSWER: His pants. The chaps are leather covers.
Q: Is the Gibson Girl skirt above or below the ankles?
CHARLEY WEAVER: That depends on what the Gibson Girl
ANSWER: Just above.
Q: What's the first thing you should do when you
remove your bathing suit?
PAUL LYNDE: Tell her you love her.
ANSWER: Rinse it in cold water to remove chlorine
Q: True or false: According to the National Tattler,
fur experts say that it's a good idea, every so often,
to run your hands over your favorite fur coat.
CHARLEY WEAVER: And also the gentleman who bought it
ANSWER: False. Skin oils are bad for the fur.
Q: According to Amy Vanderbilt, is a 19-year-old
too young to wear mink?
PAUL LYNDE: If he's old enough to be drafted, he's
old enough to wear mink.
Q: True or false: Food makes you sexy and
sex makes you hungy.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. It's a vicious circle!
Q: To the ancient Romans, it was the most prized
and precious fruit of all. Which fruit is it?
VINCENT PRICE: Augustus Caesar.
ANSWER: The apple.
Q: According to a recent survey. three out of four
Frenchmen who eat in restaurants will always ask
the owner his opinion of something. Of what?
PAUL LYNDE: Thier wife.
ANSWER: Of the wines, which wine to try.
Q: Are watermelons popular in Italy?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, Sophia's a big star there.
ANSWER: Yes. They're a big favorite.
Q: According to the Bible, if Adam and Eve had
eaten fruit from the tree of life, they would have
been able to do something forever. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Avoid irregularity.
ANSWER: Live forever.
Q: According to Redbook, what is the
best month for putting up you strawberry preserves?
JIM BACKUS: Putting them up where, Peter?
ANSWER: May. Strawberries are at their best.
Q: When Stanley was looking for Livingston in
Africa, he said, "You only eat it if you're out
of all other food." Eat what?
PAUL LYNDE: A Watusi.
Q: You are in a place that produces more prunes
and plums than all the rest of the country combined.
What state are you in?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Ecstasy.
Q: According to the World Book, it is okay to
freeze your persimmons?
PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.
ANSWER: Yes. It's suggested it makes them taste better.
Q: According to the California Raisin Advisory Board,
are the little wrinkled things abundant or is there
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, now, out at the home we have
a lot of little wrinkled things...and we also have
ANSWER: There's a shortage.
Q: Did the ancient kings of Egypt know what a pear was?
PAUL LYNDE: Yeah! Cleopatra showed 'em!
ANSWER: Yes. They loved pears and even
painted pictures of them in their tombs.
Q: True or false: Rubbing grapefruits on your body
makes you sexy.
MARTY ALLEN: Whose grapefruits?
Q: If you eat a lot of prunes, will you get
a fair supply of vitamins?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes, but you'll have to
order them by phone.
ANSWER: Yes. Prunes are rich in vitamins
and can give your blood a boost.
Q: According to the Bible, when three angels
came to Abraham's tent, he offered them
something that was considered a delicacy in
those days. What was it?
PAUL LYNDE: Naomi.
Q: It's the size of a grapefruit, it weighs about
three pounds, and you have one. What is it?
JAN MURRAY: How many does Raquel Welch have?
ANSWER: Your brain.
Q: Why is it smart to drop oranges into hot water
for a feww minutes before squeezing them?
PAUL LYNDE: Show 'em who's boss!
ANSWER: Because you'll get about twice as much juice.
Q: According to food experts, there are three
things you should do to an item when shopping.
First look at it. Then feel it. What do you do
to it next?
JAN MURRAY: Buy it a drink.
ANSWER: Smell it, of course.
Q: According to Vogue, the smartest new
dinner parties are being called "movable feasts."
What is a moveable feast?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Prune Cacciatore.
ANSWER: Each course at a different home or restaurant.
Q: According to "French Chef" Julia Child,
how much is a pinch?
PAUL LYNDE: Just enough to turn 'er on.
ANSWER: A half teaspoon.
Q: True or false" When opening a bottle of champagne,
you should try to uncork it with the minimum pop
CHARLEY WEAVER: Only if her husband's asleep.
ANSWER: True. Otherwise you can waste wine and bubbles.
Q: Can you get cheese from a water buffalo?
PAUL LYNDE: Only at gunpoint.
ANSWER: Yes, you can.
Q: Every night your wife covers her face with yogurt.
Is that beneficial?
CHARLEY WEAVER: It helps, but I can still tell it's her.
ANSWER: Yes. A yogurt facial mask is good for
the skin, according to Women's Wear Daily.
Q: What's the correct word for a place where
only butter and cheese are made?
PAUL LYNDE: A convent.
ANSWER: A creamery.
Q: In order to make Chicken Tetrazzini properly,
you have to remove something from the chicken first.
PAUL LYNDE: The rooster.
ANSWER: The bones.
Q: After baking a chicken, is it okay to
leave it in a cool oven overnight?
MEL BROOKS: This is an excellent way to
housebrak a chicken.
ANSWER: No. It's a bad idea for health reasons.
Q: In preparing Chicken a la King or Chicken Kiev,
what is the first thing you should do to the chicken?
PAUL LYNDE: Tip-toe up behind it with a hammer.
ANSWER: Remove the bones.
Q: In terms of calories, does it make much of a
difference if you remove the chicken's skin
before cooking it?
JIM BROLIN: It does to the chicken!
ANSWER: Yes, about 65 calories in an average serving.
Q: Is it okay to stuff a goose with prunes?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, but don't let it fly.
ANSWER: Yes. Prines are a common stuffing for goose.
Q: According to an article in Cosmopolitan Magazine,
is hot chicken soup an aphrodisiac?
MARTY ALLEN: Not if you spill it on your pajamas.
Q: You're at the supermarket, checking out the clams.
You tap the shell of one clam and it closes tightly.
What does this mean?
PAUL LYNDE: She's not in the mood.
ANSWER: It's fresh and good to buy.
Q: What did it mean in the 16th century when a woman
slept with a milk-soaked veal cutlet on each cheek?
MARTY ALLEN: Same as it does today, Pete...she's bananas!
ANSWER: She was trying to improve her complexion.
It was a facial treatment.
Q: During the Middle Ages and for hundreds of years
after, what was the main food of the German peasant?
PAUL LYNDE: The Hungarian peasant.
Q: There's only one authentic way to make beef jerky.
PAUL LYNDE: Hide his lady friend.
ANSWER: Dry it in the sun.
Q: True or false: In the early 1900s, the United States
Senate passed a resolution which required the Senate
dining room to serve bean souip every day.
CHARLEY WEAVER: And we've never heard the end of it!
Q: According to Family Circle, to be safe,
the best place to keep it is in a plastic bag in
the bottom of an empty cereal box and then cover
it over with cereal. What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: Your first-born.
Q: Take strong black coffee with a dash of sugar.
Lace it with whiskey and top with whipped cream
CHARLEY WEAVER : Breakfast. Next question.
ANSWER: Irish coffee.
Q: According to Women'd Wear Daily, cooking
expert julia Child does something to every reporter
who interviews her. What does she do?
PAUL LYNDE: You mean during the 20 minutes
while the pot roast is cooling?
ANSWER: She feeds them her own cooking.
Q: According to Sophia Loren, is she very good
in the kitchen?
JIM BROLIN: Yes - and also in the hall.
ANSWER: Yes. She's an excellent cook and
has written a cookbook.
Q: In Mexico, it's very easy to get something called
"sangrita." What do you do with it once you get it?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Nothing - it goes away in five days.
ANSWER: Drink it. It's a popular wine drink.
Q: According to the New York Times, the
increase in pollution is causing more and more
Americans to drink something. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Anything!
ANSWER: Bottled water.
Who, What and Where
Q: In England, they're often referred to as "solicitors."
What are they called here?
PAUL LYNDE: Models.
Q: According to Coronet Magazine, what one room in
your house is the center of environmental pollution and
CHARLEY WEAVER: My bedroom.
ANSWER: The kitchen.
Q: You're looking for a souvenir in Holland, and
a man offers you his "klompen." What does that mean?
JOAN RIVERS: I don't know about Holland, but in
this country it's 1-10 (years)!
ANSWER: His shoes, the famous wooden shoes of Holland.
Q: According to the column "Hints from Heloise," what is
the most common cause of holes in your bed sheets?
PAUL LYNDE: French heels.
ANSWER: Bleach - using it improperly
Q: If your "stem hubs" are too thin, you have "broken
jewels," and your "crown head" is stripped, where would
you go to get them fixed?
CHARLEY WEAVER: A private hospital in Denmark.
ANSWER: A watch repairman.
Q: One of the most famous paintings by the French artist
Renoir is called "Two Girls at..." At what?
VINCENT PRICE: At once.
ANSWER: The piano. "Two Girls at the Piano."
Q: They are happy, co-operative and industrious and
their slogan is "give service." Who are they?
PAUL LYNDE: The Rockettes.
ANSWER: The Camp Fire Girls.
Q: Now England calls her "The Queen Mother." What was
she called back in 1938?
CHARLEY WEAVER: The Queen Pregnant.
ANSWER: Queen Elizabeth of England.
Q: Early man used to make his bed out of leaves.
What did he usually cover his bed with?
PAUL LYNDE: Early woman?
ANSWER: Animal skins.
Q: Your job requires you to work from eleven at night
until seven in the morning. What's that commonly called?
JAN MURRAY: Cheating.
ANSWER: The graveyard shift.
Q: There is an organization of people from all over
the world called the Baker Street Irregulars who are
all interested in the same thing. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Milk of Magnesia.
ANSWER: Sherlock Holmes.
Q: Three different types are the "lean-to," the "wedge,'
and the "crawl-in." What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Suggestions from Masters and Johnson.
Q: If you are visiting one of the famous Seven Sisters
on the East Coast, what would you be visiting?
MILTON BERLE: A cheap motel.
ANSWER: A college. They are the seven Ivy League
Q: What is the title for the person who advises
students at a college?
PAUL LYNDE: Obstetrician.
ANSWER: A faculty advisor.
Q: The newest addition to Madame Tussaud's Famous Wax
Museum is a statue of Jackie and Ari Onassis. Ari is
sitting on an airplane. What is Jackie sitting on?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Ari.
ANSWER: A yacht. The Christina.
Q: When a member of the President's Cabinet resigns, he
traditionally gets to take something back home that had
been close to him during his time of duty. What is it?
NANNETTE FABRAY: His secretary.
ANSWER: His chair.
Q: Two space ships meet out there in space. Now they
slowly come together and finally touch each other.
What is this called?
PAUL LYNDE: Foreplay.
Q: They come linked together, and three common types
are "twisted," "straight" and "stud." What are they?
JAN MURRAY: The King Family.
Q: If a sailor has a "forty-eight," what does he have?
PAUL LYNDE: A spectacular date.
ANSWER: A weekend pass.
Q: On an ocean liner what do you call the person
who takes care of your valuables?
CHARLEY WEAVER: In my case, the ship's doctor.
ANSWER: The purser.
Q: If you used the word "condominium" around Julius
Caesar, would he have understood what you were
PAUL LYNDE: He would have washed my mouth out with
ANSWER: No. That word is only about 10 years old.
Q: The diamond is the hardest precious stone in
the world. What comes after the diamond?
JAN MURRAY: A weekend in Acapulco.
ANSWER: The sapphire.
Q: According to The Wall Street Journal, the
rate of exchange of the Mexican peso hasn't changed
since 1954. In terms of U.S. money, it's still worth
HARVEY KORMAN: About five minutes...(Off mike)...Oh,
shut up, McLean (Stevenson)!
ANSWER: Eight cents.
Q: Time Magazine describes it as "a vinyl bag
filled with water and fitted out with a temperature-
control device." It feels like a "huge warm hand."
What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: Sounds like mom!
ANSWER: A water bed.
Q: What is the organization "Cooperative for American
Relief Everywhere" better known as?
CHARLEY WEAVER: The Prune Advisory Board.
Q: If you put your thumbs in your ears, pinch your nose
closed with your little fingers, and sip a glass of
water, what are you doing?
MARTY ALLEN: Practicing birth control.
ANSWER: Curing the hiccups.
Q: Engineers in Detroit predict that several small
knobs on the dashboard of your car will eventually
replace something. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Your date.
ANSWER: The steering wheel.
Q: We've all heard of leap year. Is there any such
thing as a leap minute?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Out at the home, that's love.
ANSWER: Yes. We had one in 1972 when
one second was added.
Q: The name for this well-known room comes from the
Greek word meaning "to exercise naked." What do we
PAUL LYNDE: Delivery room.
Q: What caused the loudest noise heard in recorded
PAUL LYNDE: Lunch at the Acapulco Hilton.
ANSWER: A volcano eruption - Krakatoa in 1883.
It was heard 2,500 miles away.
Q: A survey of travel agents has determined the seven
man-made wonders of the U.S.A. Name any one of them.
McLEAN STEVENSON: Raquel Welch.
ANSWER: Golden Gate Bridge, Hoover Dam, Mount
Rushmore, Statue of Liberty, Disney World,
Gateway Arch, Houston Astrodome.
Q: The largest one in the world is located in Moscow
and can accomodate 6 thousand people at a time. What
PAUL LYNDE: Catherine the Great!
ANSWER: A hotel.
Q: According to the Ladies' Home Journal, this
event has been defined as "the blur between brushing
one's teeth and starting the car." What is this
ROSE MARIE: Marriage.
Q: What would you be looking for if you were out
shopping for flatware?
JAN MURRAY: A blouse for Phyllis Diller.
Q: According to Cosmopolitan, you should never
borrow anything from a friend if it is...what?
PAUL LYNDE: Under 18.
Q: According to government statistics, where will
you find the wettest spot in the world?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Wherever you scare an elephant.
ANSWER: In Hawaii. A spot there gets 451
inches of rain a year.
Q: If your job requires you to spend your day working
with joints, trusses and studs, then you are probably...
PAUL LYNDE: A towel boy.
ANSWER: Carpenter (builder).
Q: When Miss Venus Ramey won the Miss American title
in 1944, she set the record for bust measurement, which
still stands (37 1/2). She also had something else that
no other Miss America has ever had. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Very poor posture.
ANSWER: Red hair.
Q: After its last six months, it recorded 175,000 lost
people, 55 weddings, 141 arrests for being drunk, and
one little boy was born. Where?
JAN MURRAY: The Dean Martin Show.
ANSWER: Expo '70. They had 64 million visitors
in 6 months.
Q: Many sociologists suggest that one way to make people
drive more carefully is to put something on their license
PAUL LYNDE: Their kids.
ANSWER: Their names.
Q: They call themselves "Jockettes." Who are they?
PAUL LYNDE: Boy Rockettes.
ANSWER: Lady jockeys.
Q: A mermaid is a girl who is half woman and half fish.
What is the proper word for a man who is a fish from
the waist down?
MARTY ALLEN: Single.
ANSWER: A merman.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Times, movie
stars are known for having them, and one out of four
people in Washington, D.C. has one. What are they?
PAUL LYNDE: Affairs.
ANSWER: Unlisted telephone numbers.
Q: According to Redbook Magazine, they should
always be stored with the broad end up. What were they
PAUL LYNDE: Ozzie and Harriet.
Q: According to the Omaha World Herald, there
are just 88 known active and semi-active ones in the
world. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, out at the home, that would be
Q: In Canada, what do they call a five-cent piece?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Yukon Lil.
ANSWER: A nickle.
Q: You are riding along in the "tubes." Just where are you?
PAUL LYNDE: I think I'm about to be born!
ANSWER: In London's subway.
Male or Female
Q: According to psychologists, who tend to discuss the
opposite sex more: men or women?
PAUL LYNDE: Did you say discuss or disgust?
ANSWER: Women discuss men about three times
more than men discuss women.
Q: Can you tell the difference between a man's snore
and a woman's snore?
CHARLEY WEAVER: No. And it's gotten me into a lot of
ANSWER: Yes, according to an Australian psychologist.
A woman's snore invariably ends in a wheeze.
Q: According to Pageant Magazine, generally, do
men tend to get into bed the same way women do?
MARTY ALLEN: If we did, we'd be wearin' minks!
ANSWER: No. Women sit on the edge and swing their
legs up, while men get in feet first.
Q: True or false: Today, one out of every three plastic
surgery patients is a man.
PAUL LYNDE: Before...or after?
Q: According to the most recent studies available,
who's more apt to insist that sex be accompanied by
a serious, meaningful relationship: the boy or the girl?
JIM BROLIN: I would say the girl's father.
ANSWER: The girl - just the way it's always been.
Q: If a man gives a great performance, it's customary
to yell "Bravo!" What should you yell out if a woman
gives a great performance?
PAUL LYNDE: "Mind if I smoke?"
Q: According to experts, probably the easiest way for
a man to appear more handsome and youthful to the
opposite sex is to do something. Do what?
JAN MURRAY: Flash a roll of hundreds.
ANSWER: Lose excess weight.
Q: Ann Landers says she knows what a real man is.
How does she know?
PAUL LYNDE: She peeked!
ANSWER: She says she's married to one.
Q: According to sexologist Dr. David Reuben, what is
the one quality a woman needs most to give her sex
CHARLEY WEAVER: Her own apartment.
Q: According to the Herald Examiner, for every
$5 earned by a man on a certain type of job, how much
can a woman expect to earn in a similar job?
PAUL LYNDE: If she's really built, about $50.
Q: What do you call a man who's the head of a
MARTY ALLEN: Unlucky in love.
ANSWER: An abbott.
Q: True or false: As far as the U.S. goes, there are
more women smugglers than men.
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, they have more places to hide things.
ANSWER: True, according to the border patrol.
Q: According to Richard Burton, the best way to handle
a woman is to give her something. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A bath.
Q: Back in the 1880s, young boys, usually teenagers,
were the primary source of telephone operators. But by
1890, they were being replaced by girls. Why?
MILTON BERLE: Do you know a third choice, Peter?
ANSWER: They were very rude.
Q: Do most men think it's sexy when a woman adjusts
PAUL LYNDE: How tight?
ANSWER: Yes, an overwhelming majority do.
Q: According to the Ladies' Home Journal, what is
the main reason that more men aren't secretaries?
MARTY ALLEN: Bad legs.
ANSWER: The low pay.
Q: During a weekend of skiing, who's more likely to
have an accident: a man, or a woman?
PAUL LYNDE: On the slopes...or in the lodge?
ANSWER: The woman. They have far more
accidents on the average than men.
Q: Are there any women on the F.B.I.'s latest "Ten
Most Wanted List"?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Just one, and her phone never stops
ANSWER: Yes, three of them.
Q: According to Dr. Joyce Brothers, who is usually
the closest confidant of an unmarried young man?
PAUL LYNDE: An unmarried young mother.
ANSWER: His mother.
Q: Who is more likely to fall out of a hospital bed:
a man or a woman?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, now, out at the home it usually
ANSWER: A man. For some reason, twice
as many as women.
Q: Anthropologist Margaret Mead writes, "It is a
unique potential in women, the ability to..."
PAUL LYNDE: Fake it.
ANSWER: Bear children.
Q: If a man likes full-busted women, psychiatrists say
he's likely to be ambitious. What can they tell about
him if he goes for long-legged women?
ROSE MARIE: He's ambitious and tall.
ANSWER: He's very shy.
Q: According to recent studies at Stanford, is there
anything inside a woman's body that makes her tend to
cry more than men?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, triplets!
ANSWER: Yes. The female horomone estrogen
seems to have an effect on crying.
Q: You've been having trouble getting to sleep, awww.
Are you probably a man or a woman?
DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keepin' me awake at nights!
ANSWER: You're a woman, according to the
International Family Health Encyclopedia.
Q: Within 5 percent, how many skydivers are women?
JAN MURRAY: Before or after they hit the ground?
ANSWER: 20 percent.
Q: According to Karen Valentine's advice column, "Ask
Karen," there are two ways for a really skinny girl not
to be mistaken for a boy.One is to wear your hair in
a very feminine style. What's the other?
PAUL LYNDE: Nurse in public.
ANSWER: Wear super-feminine clothing.
Q: A mermaid is half girl and half fish. What do you
call a man who is half boy and half fish?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Lonely.
ANSWER: A merman.
Q: Were cigar store "wooden Indians" ever women?
PAUL LYNDE: Only those made by a nervous whittler.
ANSWER: Yes. In fact, 80 percent were -
to attract more customers.
Q: Royally speaking, how does a woman get to be the
MARTY ALLEN: Fool around with a king.
ANSWER: She's the king's widow, and her child
is the reigning king or queen.
Q: You're dreaming about a house. Are you more likely
to be a man or a woman?
CHARLEY WEAVER: What kind of house is it?
ANSWER: A woman, according to Dr. Joyce Brothers.
Down On The Farm
Q: What should you call a female sheep?
PAUL LYNDE: Beloved.
ANSWER: A ewe.
Q: If a jackass and a mare fall in love, what will
MEL BROOKS: "The Dating Game."
ANSWER: A mule.
Q: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that
other cattle aren't?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I
don't recommend the cookies.
ANSWER: They're good for both meat
and milk production.
Q: Chickens in a prticular part of the country turn out
more eggs per hen than anywhere else in the country.
What state are they in?
CHARLEY WEAVER: In almost constant pain.
Q: Does your average rabbit mind being lifted up
by his ears?
PAUL LYNDE: During the mating season, he considers it
ANSWER: Yes. Never lift him by his legs
or ears because you'll injure him.
Q: What does a lamb have to do to become a sheep?
ROSE MARIE: Be nice to the shepherd.
ANSWER: Celebrate its first birthday.
Q: Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to
have something very important. What?
PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.
ANSWER: A calf.
Q: When it comes to baby chickens, is it pretty easy
for the average person to tell the boys from the girls?
JAN MURRAY: Take a peek while you're plucking!
ANSWER: No, it takes an expert.
Q: We get wool from a sheep, but we get something very
special from an angora goat. What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: Respect.
Q: Just before he starts milking, there's one thing
a good farmer does. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Makes sure it's a cow.
ANSWER: He washes the cow's udder,
for good sanitation.
Q: Other than his crook or staff, what else did a
shepherd have to protect him and his sheep?
PAUL LYNDE: The Pill.
ANSWER: His dog.
Q: When does a cowboy call a horse a bronco?
CHARLEY WEAVER: When they're alone together.
ANSWER: Before the horse had been broken or tamed.
Q: If a fox steals into your chicken coop one
evening, the eggs the chickens lay for the next
few days will probably be different than usual.
What will be different about them?
PAUL LYNDE: They'll have long, bushy tails.
ANSWER: The shells will be thicker.
Q: According to experts, male turkeys change something
of theirs from blue to red when they want to attract
a female turkey. What do they change?
JAN MURRAY: The light bulb in the coop.
ANSWER: Their necks. Their necks change color.
Q: It's sometimes called "the poor man's cow."
What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: Bagpipes.
ANSWER: A goat.
Q: What do you call a pig that weighs more than
CHARLEY WEAVER: A divorcee.
ANSWER: A hog. (Also swine, boar, sow)
Q: Right after Trigger died, what did Roy Rogers
announce he would do?
PAUL LYNDE: Dismount.
ANSWER: Have the horse stuffed.
Q: Humans are identified by fingerprints. How can
you tell cows apart?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Some udder way.
ANSWER: Nose prints. Every cow's nose is unique.
Q: Are you apt to have much success if you try to
cross a turkey with a chicken?
PAUL LYNDE: According to most chickens, it's a
wonderful way to go.
ANSWER: Yes. You'll get a fowl known as a "turkhen."
Q: The raccoon does something before he eats that
few other animals do. What?
JIM BROLIN: He has a cocktail.
ANSWER: He washes his food.
Q: True or false: The Duke University Goat-watching
Society recently did a long study and determined that,
comparitively, goats are "delightful companions"
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, and I'd like to make an announcement.
Q: According to experts, will you ever find a goose
29 thousand feet in the air?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Maybe in a very crowded 747...in
ANSWER: Yes. They've been photographed that high.
Q: Your horse has 40 teeth. Is it a boy horse or
a girl horse?
PAUL LYNDE: Is that where you look?
ANSWER: A boy. Most males have 40 teeth,
the females only 36.
Q: Can guinea pigs whistle?
PAUL LYNDE: Only when they come to a boil.
ANSWER: His food. A gopher's favorite foods are roots.
Q: In Kenya what can you usually tell about a man
who has lots and lots and lots and lots of goats?
CHARLEY WEAVER: That he never takes his slippers off
around the house.
ANSWER: He's wealthy.
Q: You are milking your cow once a day. According to
the World Book, are you living up to her expectations?
PAUL LYNDE: I must be. She broke up with the bull.
ANSWER: No. Cows are milked twice a day.
Q: According to scientists, frogs have trouble
telling boys from girls. If a boy frog grabs another
boy frog, how does he know he's made a mistake?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Who said it was a mistake?
ANSWER: The other one growls a special noise
that, hopefully, all other frogs will honor.
Q: Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water...
Q: True or false: Turtles don't find other turtles
JAN MURRAY: Actually they're attracted to sheep, but
the sheep are too fast for 'em.
Q: According to Omar Sharif, good breeding is the
thing he admires most in women. What comes second?
PAUL LYNDE: Bad breeding.
Q: According to T.V. Movie Screen, Burt Reynolds
is quoted as saying, "Dinah's in top form. I have never
known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself
into a..." A what?
PAUL LYNDE: A headboard.
ANSWER: A game. Dinah is an avid tennis player.
Q: For the very first time, Liz Taylor recently became
something people often make jokes about. What did she
JIM BROLIN: Polish.
ANSWER: A mother-in-law.
Q: Connie Stevens shares something she uses in her
nightclub act with her ex-husband Eddie Fisher. Eddie
is now using it in his act. What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: A sequin pants suit.
ANSWER: Connie's brother, who is a drummer.
Q: Jill St. John has something flown in from New York
every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She says, "I think
this is a magnificently healthy way to start the day."
What was she talking about?
JAN MURRAY: The New York Jets.
ANSWER: Clams on the half shell. She has
them for breakfast.
Q: According to Cary Grant, which does he prefer: a
double bed or a king-size bed?
ROSE MARIE: If only I could tell you for sure...
ANSWER: A double bed.
Q: Eva Gabor says there's a word she dislikes very much
because it always signals the end of something that
started out so beautifully. What word is it?
PAUL LYNDE: Pregnant.
Q: Mae West recently stated that she not only bathes
in it but she also drinks it. What is it?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Bath water.
ANSWER: Bottled spring water.
Q: According to Joyce Haber, there is one thing that
Rock Hudson has never been able to think of himself as.
What is it?
JAN MURRAY: A debutante.
ANSWER: Rock Hudson. He's never been able to
get used to that name.
Q: Sophia Loren recently stated, "My Oscar meant
nothing in Naples because acting means nothing. The
one thing that is respected in Naples is..." What?
PAUL LYNDE: An elderly streetwalker.
Q: Mickey Rooney was the first actor to do something
with Esther Williams in a movie. Do what?
MARTY ALLEN: The breast stroke.
ANSWER: Kiss her. In her first film, "Andy Hardy's
Q: According to Elvis Presley, he got one four years
ago, but one of his goals in life is that he'd like
another one. Another what?
KAREN VALENTINE: Another hickey.
ANSWER: Child. He has one daughter but would
like another child.
Q: Lana Turner recently stated that she has been
offered as much as a quarter of a million dollars
to do something, but she won't do it. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Close her drapes.
ANSWER: Write her autobiography. "I haven't
finished living my life by a long shot."
Q: After a 3-hour-and-15-minute battle, Frankie Laine
recently got himself one that weighed 310 pounds. Just
what did Frankie get himself?
JAN MURRAY: A hernia.
ANSWER: A fish. A swordfish, off Catalina Island.
Q: A highlight of an American star's recent Australian
tour was the star's exhibition of baton twirling while
wearing red, white and blue sequined hot pants and a
decorated fringed jacket. Who was the star?
PAUL LYNDE: Vincent Price.
Q: Patty Duke recently claimed that she has mastered
56 different ways of making something. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Whoopee.
Q: According to Zsa Zsa Gabor, there is only one time
when you really get to know a man. When is that?
LILY TOMLIN: Just before breakfast.
ANSWER: When you divorce him.
Q: Robert Young recently stated, "I never, never give..."
something to his fans who ask for it. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A hysterectomy.
ANSWER: Medical advice. "I have to remind them
that I'm only an actor."
Q: Dean Martin has been known to walk up eight flights
of stairs rather than do something he hates to do. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Oh, sleep alone.
ANSWER: Take the elevator. Dino hates elevators.
Q: Marlo Thomas is often asked by young girls, "How do
I become an actress?" Marlo always tells them to get
something first. Get what?
JAN MURRAY: Undressed.
ANSWER: A good education.
Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago when he was
41 years old. Now he says it was "one of the best
things I ever did." What was it?
MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.
ANSWER: He got married.
Q: Jane Fonda calls it the most beautiful thing in the
world, as well as the most painful. What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: A sequinned whip.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly
believes in them and has actually seen them on at least
two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.
Q: According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined
more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.
Q: Ava Gardner says she can't really remember
enjoying it, and only does it to get over her
shyness. What was she talking about?
PAUL LYNDE: Makin' love.
Q: Beatle John Lennon recently published his favorite
photo of himself. It shows him smiling and sitting on
top of something. What?
STU GILLIAM: Yoko Ono.
ANSWER: A bicycle - his first, in 1950.
Q: According to Marlene Dietrich, whenever she gives
an interview, there is one question she is asked over
and over. What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: "How about it, baby?"
ANSWER: "How old are you?"
Q: Roy Rogers hasn't done it in 20 years, but there's
speculation he may do it again soon. Do what?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Reupholster Trigger.
ANSWER: Make a movie.
Q: Anthony Quinn thinks they should be abolished, but
he wouldn't turn one down. What are they?
PAUL LYNDE: Fifty-year-old women.
ANSWER: The Oscars.
Q: When Frank Sinatra made his great comeback performance
in Las Vegas recently, he missed his second scheduled
performance because something "just didn't feel right."
MARTY ALLEN: His slacks.
ANSWER: His throat.
Q: Before Columbus sailed to America, he made
something for a living. What did he make?
PAUL LYNDE: Passionate love to Queen Isabella.
ANSWER: Maps. He was a mapmaker.
Q: In 1769, Daniel Boone started exploring something
which he later described as a "terrestrial paradise."
What was he exploring?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Dolly Madison.
Q: According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica,
Christopher Columbus first brought the seeds of
something to the Western World. Then they began
popping up in Florida, then South America, and now
they are all over California. What are they?
PAUL LYNDE: Bambinos.
Q: Admiral Farragut is famous for his statement,
"Damn the torpedoes...full speed ahead!" Where was he
when he said it?
CHARLEY WEAVER: In the tub.
ANSWER: Mobile, Alabama. In Mobile Bay.
Q: According to the World Book, Francisco Pizarro became
famous for his conquest of something. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Cesar Romero.
Q: Only 40 men in the history of the United States can
claim to have done it. One of them was Benjamin Franklin.
CHARLEY WEAVER: Put a smile on the face of Mrs. Franklin.
ANSWER: Sign the Constitution.
Q: Alexander Graham Bell spoke the first words over the
telephone. He said, "Watson, come here, I want you."
Why did he want him?
JIM BROLIN: Just one of those crazy urges.
ANSWER: He was hurt. he'd spilled acid on his clothes.
Q: George Washington Carver was the man who was
able to do 300 different things with...what?
PAUL LYNDE: Ruby Begonia.
Q: True or false: In 1890, the U.S. issued a $5 bill
which pictured Miss Liberty "topless" and holding
a light bulb in her hand.
CHARLEY WEAVER: I didn't notice a light bulb.
ANSWER: True. But reaction was so strong against it
that it was removed from circulation.
Q: Thomas Edison was a famous advocate of doing
something every afternoon that he said helped him
get through the day. What was it?
PAUL LYNDE: Madame Curie.
ANSWER: He took a nap.
Q: In 1931, two men in Russia slapped each other
in the face continually for 300 hours. Why?
MARTY ALLEN: Just a lover's quarrel.
ANSWER: It was a face-slapping contest, and the
two men now hold the world's record.
Q: Napoleon offered a handsome prize to anyone who
could come up with a cheap and wholesome substitute
for it. For what?
PAUL LYNDE: Josephine.
ANSWER: Butter. That was the invention of
Q: In 1959, man got his first glimpse of the backside
of something. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Was that the year Kate Smith
fell down on the Ed Sullivan Show?
ANSWER: The moon. From the Russian satellite
Q: It was perfected in 1873 by a Major Walter Clopton
Wingfield as a diversion for English society.
What is it?
PAUL LYNDE: The vibrating crumpet.
Q: When Russia's Nikita Khruschev visited this country
in the late 50s, he was quite upset when he was told
that he wouldn't be allowed to visit a famous place
that has provided pleasure for millions. What was it?
ROSE MARIE: Frank Sinatra's bedroom.
Q: A fanous world landmark has been under U.S. control
since 1903 but will gradually be given back to the
country in which it is found. What is it?
MARTY ALLEN: Zsa Zsa Gabor.
ANSWER: The Panama Canal.
Q: On December 17, 1903, one of the most significant
events in modern history took place...although it only
lasted about 12 seconds. What was it?
CHARLEY WEAVER: My second honeymoon.
ANSWER: The historic arirplane flight by the
Q: In London, you might visit the place where some of the
wives of Henry VIII were beheaded, where the little
princes were imprisoned, and where a fantastic sample
of torture instruments are displayed. What is it called?
PAUL LYNDE: Noel Coward's place.
ANSWER: The Tower of London. The crown jewels
are there also.
Q: Emperor Hirohito has been the Emperor of Japan
for many years. Does he have an empress?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not so much anymore.
ANSWER: Yes. Empress Nagako is Hirohito's wife.
Q: In 1848, something was made for the first time in
Bangor, Maine, that millions of people have loved
ever since. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Virginia Graham.
ANSWER: Chewing gum.
Q: Benjamin Franklin kept four beds in his house,
and he would switch from one to another whenever he
felt something. Felt what?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Lonely.
ANSWER: Warm. He hated it. He switched beds
continuously to keep cool.
Q: Should you be gentle when trying to awaken
PAUL LYNDE: I just leave peanuts on the dresser and
ANSWER: Yes. If you do not do it gently and carefully,
he will be in a bad mood for the whole day.
Q: Smokey Bear has something written on his hat.
What is it?
LILY TOMLIN: "I'll never forget you," signed Ranger Roy.
ANSWER: His name. It says "Smokey" on his hat.
Q: We all know Smokey Bear's motto: "Only you can
prevent firest fires," but what exactly is the request
that Woodsy Owl makes of us?
PAUL LYNDE: "Keep that dirty bear away from me!"
ANSWER: "Give a hoot, don't pollute."
Q: According to Cosmopolitan's Love Guide, is
it a good sign if your man loves animals?
JOAN RIVERS: Not to excess.
ANSWER: Yes, it is.
Q: According to author Desmond Morris, do chimpanzees
kiss exactly the same way humans do?
PAUL LYNDE: (wink) Better!
ANSWER: No. Close, but not exactly the same.
Q: You see a reindeer charging at you, and you notice
that it has antlers. Can you be certain that it's
ROSE MARIE: I'll take my chances and just freshen up.
ANSWER: No. Females have 'em, too.
Q: You're in the woods with a friend and a snake
bites him. What's the first thing you should do?
PAUL LYNDE: Find a new friend.
ANSWER: Kill the snake and keep it. It's
importatnt to identify it for the doctor.
Q: There are three reasons we know of why a male lion
roars. One is that he is angry, another is he is hungry.
What is the third?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His shorts are too tight.
ANSWER: He's in love. And he's calling his mate.
Q: You have an uncontrollable urge to kill a walrus.
The authorities won't let you, though, unless you
can prove that you are a...what?
PAUL LYNDE: A jealous husband.
ANSWER: An Eskimo. Only Eskimos are allowed
to kill a walrus.
Q: Blue, gray, and humpback are all kinds of something.
Kinds of what?
KAREN VALENTINE: Colors.
Q: There is only one living thing that the average
polar bear is afraid of. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A lonely Eskimo.
ANSWER: The walrus.
Q: True or false: If a grizzly bear breaks into your
camp, the first thing he'll probably go for is your
CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes, so be sure and lock her in
your sleeping bag.
ANSWER: True. They love candy.
Q: A little bear is called a cub. A little cow is
a calf. What should you call a little goose?
PAUL LYNDE: Annoying.
ANSWER: A gosling.
Q: Does the average elephant feel more romantic
in a zoo or in the wild?
ROSE MARIE: I haven't found much difference, Pete.
ANSWER: In the wild. Elephants seldom mate in zoos.
Q: Rubbing an alligator's stomach has a curious
effect on him. What does rubbing his tummy make
PAUL LYNDE: Eat you.
ANSWER: Sleep. No one knows why, but it's true.
Q: We all know that your little house cat can purr
when it's happy. But is there anything that will
make a big wild tiger purr?
ROSE MARIE: Probably your little house cat.
ANSWER: Yes. They purr, too.
Q: You are wandering through the jungle when you
suddenly come upon a large group of baboons, who
immediately start smacking their lips and grunting
softly. What are they trying to tell you?
PAUL LYNDE: They want me!
ANSWER: Welcome. Their intentions are peaceful.
Q: You have just scolded your gorilla for being a
bad boy. Might he stick out his tongue at you to
show his anger?
PAUL LYNDE: Was that his tongue?
Q: Do gorillas have a high sex drive?
CHARLEY WEAVER: No, but they like to monkey around.
ANSWER: No. They have a low sex drive.
Music And Song
Q: According to the classic song, "millions of hearts
have been broken just because these words were spoken."
PAUL LYNDE: "I'm going to have your baby."
ANSWER: "I love you." "So be sure that it's true
when you say I love you, 'cuase it's a sin to tell a lie."
Q: According to the song, "When we're dancing and you're
dangerously near me," what happens?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, out to the home if anything happens
they write it up in the medical journal.
ANSWER: "I get ideas, I get ideas."
Q: According to the old alphabet song, "A, you're adorable,
B, you're so beautiful, C, you're a cutie full of charms."
When you're a "D", what are you?
PAUL LYNDE: Top-heavy.
Q: According to the lyrics of a well-known song, "I've
got rhytm, I've got music." What else do I have?
McLEAN STEVENSON: I've got six kids...and I don't
ANSWER: "My girl." (Who could ask for anything more?)
Q: According to the old song, "I took one look at you,
that's all I meant to do, and then..." something
PAUL LYNDE: I fell off the fire escape!
ANSWER: "My Heart Stood Still," by Rodgers and Hart.
Q: In the old standard, "South of the Border," "I fell
in love down Mexico way" when something came out.
When what came out?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Thursday's lunch.
ANSWER: The stars - to play.
Q: The song "Where Do I Begin?" is the theme song
for what hit movie?
PAUL LYNDE: Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice.
ANSWER: Love Story.
Q: There's a gospel hymn that says, "It was good enough
for father, It's good enough for me." What is it?
CHARLEY WEAVER: That's Mrs. Ferguson out to the home.
ANSWER: "Old-Time Religion."
Q: According to the old song, "A Bicycle Built For Two,'
why am I half crazy?
PAUL LYNDE: (In pain) My seat's too high!
ANSWER: All for the love of you.
Q: According to Candid Viewer Magazine, sometimes
when Fred MacMurray wants to relax, he uses something
he once used in a band but admits that it "sounds pretty
bad." What is it?
REDD FOXX: Helen O'Connell.
ANSWER: The saxophone.
Q: In music, you put together two violinists, one
cellist, and one player of a viola...and what do you have?
PAUL LYNDE: A crush on the cellist.
ANSWER: A string quartet.
Q: What famous singer once said that a great singer
needed a big mouth, 90 percent memory, 10 percent
intelligence, lots of hard work, something in the heart,
and a big chest?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Eddie Fisher, and then somebody stole
his big chest!
Q: According to the Ameerican Music Conference, two
musical instruments that we usually associate with men
are becoming increasingly popular with women. One of
them is the drums. What's the other?
PAUL LYNDE: I know an accordian gives 'em a thrill.
ANSWER: The trumpet.
Q: According to music experts, is the piano the best
thing for you to try to train your young child on?
CHARLEY WEAVER: No, try newspapers.
ANSWER: No. It's very difficult and often
discourages children from musical training.
Q: What do you call that musical instrument that's
shaped like a triangle?
PAUL LYNDE: Connie Stevens.
ANSWER: The instrument is called a triangle, too.
Q: According to Coronet Magazine, is it
a good idea to play music when you make love?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not if you play the tuba.
ANSWER: Yes. It screens out other noises.
Q: In music, who was responsible for St. Matthew's Passion?
PAUL LYNDE: St. Theresa.
ANSWER: Bach. It's one of his best-known works.
Sports, Games, Hobbies
Q: According to Family Weekly, the most popular
hobby in America is photography. What comes next?
PAUL LYNDE: Blackmail.
ANSWER: Raising tropical fish.
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
ROSE MARIE: Ralph, the pin boy!
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump,
you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
ANSWER: 500 feet.
Q: In 1953, the world's greatest weight lifter, Paul
Anderson, lifted 6,000 pounds. What did he get for it?
PAUL LYNDE: The world's biggest hernia.
ANSWER: The championship and a world record.
Q: Where would you find a jockey's silks?
JIM BROLIN: Under his evening gown.
ANSWER: On his body. His silks are his riding outfit.
Q: In what sport could you win a prize for the
PAUL LYNDE: Celebrity Childbirth.
ANSWER: Weight lifting.
Q: Ginger Rogers once attributed her 19-inch waistline
to a certain sport. What sport?
MARTY ALLEN: Fred Astaire.
Q: If you said, "I am a funny little Dutch girl,
as funny as can be, and all the boys around my block
are crazy over me," what would you be doing while
you said it?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Trying to stay out of the Army.
ANSWER: Jumping rope.
Q: If you won the Mexican Open, what kind of
athlete would you be?
PAUL LYNDE: A runner!
ANSWER: A golfer.
Q: Robin Hood entered Price John's archery contest
and got a kiss from Maid Marion. What was first prize
in the contest?
MARTY ALLEN: A kiss from Prince John.
ANSWER: A silver arrow.
Q: James Ellis and Joseph Frazier recently held it
together, and Mr. Frazier is currently holding it alone.
What is it?
JAN MURRAY: Mrs. Frazier.
ANSWER: The heavyweight boxing championship
of the world.
Q: Mainly, when he's deep under the ocean, two things
are sent through the diver's hose. Oxygen is one.
What's the other?
PAUL LYNDE: The 23rd Psalm.
Q: According to Time Magazine, what is the sport
on which Americans spend the most money?
HARVEY KORMAN: Adultery.
ANSWER: Skiing. $1.5 billion.
Q: A Russian named Petrosian recently used the Sicilian
Defense and lost. Lost what?
PAUL LYNDE: His deep voice.
ANSWER: Playing chess and losing to American
champ Bobby Fischer.
Q: What is the most popular participant sport
in nudist camps?
ROSE MARIE: "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?"
Q: The most important rule of scuba diving is: "Never
dive without..." Without what?
PAUL LYNDE: Your trunks.
ANSWER: "A partner."
Q: In professional boxing, can you lose a fight for
hitting your opponent below the belt?
MARTY ALLEN: Yes, but that's nothing compared to
ANSWER: Yes, you can.
Q: Technically, in baseball, what do you call the area
between the batter's knees and his armpits?
PAUL LYNDE: The erogenous zone.
ANSWER: The strike zone.
Q: At a wrestling match, how does someone score?
JIM BACKUS: Same as anywhere: make friends and
offer to buy her a drink.
ANSWER: By pinning his opponent's shoulders
to the mat.
Q: Famed basketball star Wilt Chamberlain says that
he keeps in shape during the off season by doing
something he really enjoys. What is it?
JAN MURRAY: Peering into fourth-floor windows.
ANSWER: Playing volleyball.
Q: Your wife has just won the Uber Cup.
What did she have to to to get it?
PAUL LYNDE: Ask Uber.
ANSWER: Play badminton. She's the champ.
Q: William Moore, America's oldest living professional
athlete, has just retired at age 100. What is his sport?
CHARLEY WEAVER: The prune toss.
Q: For a long time now, daredevil motorcycle rider
Evel Knievel has wanted to jump over something, but
the Government won't let him. What is it?
SALLY STRUTHERS: Julie Nixon Eisenhower.
ANSWER: The Grand Canyon.
Q: Before athletic competition, ancient Greek athletes
covered their body with something. What?
MARTY ALLEN: Rita, the Goddess of Conquest.
ANSWER: Olive oil.
Q: Is bowling big in Japan?
LILY TOMLIN: Nothing is big in Japan.
ANSWER: Yes. It's very popular.
Q: What is a female bullfighter called in Mexico?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Before the last fight, she was called
ANSWER: A matador.
Around The World
Q: In ancient Egypt, every able-bodied man was required
to spend several months a year working on something. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Cleopatra.
Q: True or false: Mountain climbers in Switzerland are
complaing that the Matterhorn does not have enough
CHARLEY WEAVER: Especially the climbers at the bottom.
Q: Is whipping legal in Canada?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, and very popular.
ANSWER: Yes. It's a legal punishment.
Q: What group of people is famous for ending a good
hunt by tossing everybody in a blanket?
JOAN RIVERS : Movie producers.
ANSWER: The Eskimos. It's their traditional sport.
Q: In a guide for American businessmen who are going
to Russia, it tells them to do one particular thing
immediately after having a glass of vodka. What should
PAUL LYNDE: Grab a woman.
ANSWER: Have a water chaser.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words
to say "I love you"?
VINCENT PRICE: No, you can say it with a pineapple
and a twenty.
ANSWER: Yes. Four words (Aloha au, ia, oe).
Q: In Morocco, if you see a man walk up to a young lady
and break a raw egg on her forehead, you can be pretty
sure that she is just about to do something. What is that?
PAUL LYNDE: Use her knee.
ANSWER: Get married. It's a prenuptial ritual.
Q: According to custom, where does an Austrian kiss
a lady when he meets her?
JAN MURRAY: On the alps.
ANSWER: On her hand.
Q: In France, boys don't whistle at attractive girls.
What do they do to show their appreciation?
PAUL LYNDE: Rip off their clothes.
ANSWER: They hiss.
Q: According to the National Environmental Research
Centerr, in the summer, an Eskimo will frequently pay
up to $5 for a big cake of ice. Because that provides
MARTY ALLEN: Companionship.
ANSWER: Drinking water for the summer - 35 gallons
Q: What happenes if you give a wolf-whistle to a
woman in Cairo, Egypt?
PAUL LYNDE: She'll tell her camel to soil you.
ANSWER: You'll be arrested and imprisoned from
one week to two years.
Q: The Swedish Government gives women $256 every time
they do something. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: I don't know, but they leave it on
ANSWER: Have a baby.
Q: Overweight Germans have been asked to lay off the
national dish. What is the national dish?
JAN MURRAY: Elke Sommer.
ANSWER: Sausage or wurst.
Q: On New Year's Eve in Scotland, it's traditional to
wish that a person will have a fire in his hearth,
money in his purse, and something on his table. What?
PAUL LYNDE: His secretary.
Q: Traditionally, when a Britisher gets this job, he
pretends to be reluctant and two of his co-workers
grab him and drag him to his new seat. What is the job?
MARTY ALLEN: Queen.
ANSWER: Speaker of the House of Commons. The
feigned reluctance is a centuries old tradition.
Q: Japanese television has lured Audrey Hepburn out of
retirement to model some common items that they feel
only Audrey can do justice to. What is she modeling?
PAUL LYNDE: Chop sticks.
ANSWER: Wigs. The japanese get turned on by long,
skinny necks and Audrey has one of those.
Q: Jackie Onassis once described it as a "bunch of
men stamping around and yelling and going without a
bath for three days." What was she referring to?
PAUL LYNDE: A Greek honeymoon.
ANSWER: Political party conventions.
Q: In the United States, how often must a commercial
airline pilot get a physical check-up?
JOAN RIVERS: Every 1200 hours...or new stewardess...
whichever comes first.
ANSWER: Every 6 months.
Q: You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head
right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride!
ANSWER: To see a play. It's the world-famous theater.
Q: True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet
guests by running toward them at full pace, then
high jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing
to tall guests.
Q: Where did the custom of kissing a lady's hand begin?
PAUL LYNDE: At the shoulder.
ANSWER: In France.
Q: In Denmark, if you looked up and saw a couple of
storks on your roof, it would mean you were going to
have something. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Stork fazool.
ANSWER: Good luck. Danes even build nests for them.
Q: You are leaving Hawaii by boat. Now legend says
you will return if you do something. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Have Don Ho's baby.
ANSWER: Throw your lei overboard.
Q: According to research in London, what is considered
to be the worst enemy of sleep?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Beer.
Movies And TV
Q: In the 1930s, a Tarzan movie was made near Silver
Springs, Florida, and when it was done, the film crews
left something behind. Now these things are becoming
a menace. What are they?
PAUL LYNDE: About now they'd be teenagers!
ANSWER: Several hundred wild monkeys, the
descendants of the Tarzan cast.
Q: In the classic The Wizard of Oz, the lion
wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What
did the scarecrow want?
CHARLEY WEAVER : A woman!
Q: What popular TV show has a theme song called,
"You're Going To Make It After All"?
JIM BACKUS: "Love, American Style."
ANSWER: The Mary Tyler Moore Show (although the
song's ACTUAL title is "Love Is All Around.")
Q: When The Doris Day Show starts, Doris comes down
a staircase, smiles a big smile, and then says three
words which helped make her famous. What are these
PAUL LYNDE: "Don't touch me!"
ANSWER: "Que sera, sera." She sings her famous
song at the opening of each episode.
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds and Shelly Winters
star in the movie, What's the Matter with Helen?
In the movie, who plays Helen?
CHARLEY WEAVER : Dennis Weaver - that's why they ask
ANSWER: Shelly Winters.
Q: What gave Mary Poppins the ability to fly?
PAUL LYNDE: Somethin' she sniffed.
ANSWER: Her umbrella.
Q: In the movie One Million Years B.C., the two
humans were Tumac and Loana. Tumac was of the Rock
People. Raquel Welch played Loana. What people was she
MARTY ALLEN: The Grapefruit People.
ANSWER: The Shell People.
Q: In The Wizard of Oz, the tin man wanted a
heart and the scarecrow wanted a brain. What did the
PAUL LYNDE: Dorothy.
Q: Who did Dyan Cannon play in the movie Bob & Carol
& Ted & Alice?
JOAN RIVERS: Both Bob and Ted.
Q: In a classic scene, Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster
met for a shootout at a famous Western spot. Where
did they meet?
JIM BROLIN: At Jill St. John's.
ANSWER: At the O.K. Corral in Gunfight at the O.K. Corral.
Q: In the movies, who gave the advice "whistle while
PAUL LYNDE: It was either Linda Lovelace or Paul Winchell.
ANSWER: The Seven Dwarfs.
Q: In the old Cisco Kid TV series, Pancho would smile
at the Cisco Kid every week at the end of the show and
say, "Oh, Cisco!" What did Cisco answer?
CHARLEY WEAVER: "Let go of me, Pancho."
ANSWER: "Oh, Pancho!"
Q: What is the familiar phrase that is repeated hundreds
of times a year by the highest-paid female model on
MARTY ALLEN: "Is the door locked?"
ANSWER: "Take it off, take it all off." (Gunilla Hutton is
the young lady's name.)
Q: According to the head NBC censor, when it comes to
movies to be seen on TV, the networks check for three
things: violence, sex, and...what else?
PAUL LYNDE: Originality.
ANSWER: Language - offensive language.
Q: Lovely Karen Valentine made her film debut in a
movie called Gidget...Does something. Gidget
PAUL LYNDE: Gidget Gets Morning Sickness.
ANSWER: Gidget Grows Up.
Q: In the popular book and movie, The Andromeda
Strain, what is the Andromeda Strain?
JAN MURRAY: It's a Greek hernia.
ANSWER: A disease.
Q: On the old Roy Rogers Show, did Dale Evans wear
a gun, too?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes. They both did. And they had to be
very careful when they hugged.
ANSWER: Yes. And she was a good shot.
Q: In the old Sergeant Preston television show, the
good sergeant ended every episode by saying something
to his faithful dog. What did he say?
PAUL LYNDE: "I'll get the lights, dear."
ANSWER: "This case is closed."
Q: At a recent Hollywood auction, something was sold
which Liz Taylor used a lot in the movie Cleopatra.
What was it?
JOAN RIVERS: Rex Harrison.
ANSWER: Her throne.
Q: According to Life Magazine, Rock Hudson was
recently with the eight girls who will appear with him
in a new movie, and his comment was, "Yechh." Why?
MARTY ALLEN: They were naked?
ANSWER: They were all wearing midis.
Q: When the Lone Ranger was finished with a case, he
left something behind. What?
PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.
ANSWER: A silver bullet.
Q: True or false: On a recent talk show, Joey Heatherton
said, "I am not a sexpot."
JAN MURRAY: She's right, Pete, but you're a damn good M.C.
©1974, Heatter-Quigley, Inc., a Filmways company.
ZINGERS FROM THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES was published by Popular Library,
and released on Event Records.