Click on a category for the questions:

Chapter 1


Q: According to the famous quote by Alexander Pope, 
"A little what is a dangerous thing"?
PAUL LYNDE: A little pervert.
ANSWER: A little learning.
Q: There's an old slang expression people use. They say "That man is in double harness." What does that mean? JAN MURRAY: His hernia is worse. ANSWER: He's married.
Q: The great writer George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "It's such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children." What is it? PAUL LYNDE: A whipping. ANSWER: Youth.
Q: According to Ben Franklin in Poor Richard's Almanac, "He that falls in love with himself will have no..." What? PAUL LYNDE: Children. ANSWER: "Rival."
Q: It was Mark Twain who once observed that there are few of us who can stand another man's what? MARTY ALLEN: Advances. ANSWER: Prosperity.
Q: Accoring to a great poem by Edgar Allen Poe, "We loved with a love that was more than love, I and my..." I and my what? PAUL LYNDE: Gym Teacher. ANSWER: "Annabell Lee," from the poem of the same name.
Q: Charles Darwin had a theory that the mystery of man's past would be unraveled in a certain place. Where? ROSE MARIE: A Holiday Inn. ANSWER: Africa.
Q: Thomas Jefferson once called it the one thing that can stand by itself. What was he referring to? CHARLEY WEAVER: 3-day-old donkey fazool. ANSWER: Truth.
Q:It was Aristotle who once said that even the bitterest of enemies can be united by a common...common what? PAUL LYNDE: Infection. ANSWER: Danger.
Q: The Post Office motto lists four specific things that won't stop the mailman from getting to you. Snow, rain and heat are three of them. What's the fourth? ROSE MARIE: A wedding band. ANSWER: Gloom of night.
Q: During the War of 1812, Capt. Oliver Perry made the famous statement, "We have met the enemy and..." And what? PAUL LYNDE: They are cute! ANSWER: "They are ours."
Q: According to an old proverb, love flies out the window when something comes in the door. When what comes in? CHARLEY WEAVER: Her husband. ANSWER: Poverty.
Q: Albert Einstein once reflected that in his entire life he had only two really good ones. Two really good what? CHARLEY WEAVER: McGuire Sisters. ANSWER: Ideas.
Q: Oscar Wilde once said of it, "It is the perfect type of a perfect pleasure. It is exquisite, yet it leaves you unsatisfied." What was he referring to? MARTY ALLEN: A legitimate massage parlor. ANSWER: A cigarette.
Q: According to the Dictionary of American Proverbs, what comes before pleasure? PAUL LYNDE: The words, "Of course I love you." ANSWER: Duty.
Q: Billy Graham said in a recent column, "No matter how far you've let him go, your faith can end his control." What was Mr. Graham referring to? PAUL LYNDE: A teenage boyfriend. ANSWER: The devil, of course.
Q: We know that the Boy Scouts stick by their motto, "Be Prepared." What is the Girl Scouts motto? PAUL LYNDE: As long as he's prepared, they don't need a motto. ANSWER: Same thing - "Be Prepared."
Q: It was Tom Edison, the great inventor, who once commented, "The most necessary task of civilization is to teach man how to..." How to what? MARTY ALLEN: How to kiss good. ANSWER: Think.
Q: The wise Chinese philosopher Confucius once said, "I can do absolutely nothing for the man who will not bring me his..." His what? PAUL LYNDE: His number-one daughter. ANSWER: Problems.

Chapter 2

Body Language

Q: According to Good Housekeeping Magazine, what 
question do women ask their doctors the most?
PAUL LYNDE: Alright, where's the nurse??
ANSWER: "What about the pill?"
Q: Within 5%, what percentage of plastic surgery patients are men? JAN MURRAY: Is that before or after the operation? ANSWER: 5%.
Q: True or false: The ancient Chinese believed intense romantic encounters caused toothaches. PAUL YNDE: Well then, the ancient Chinese did it wrong! ANSWER: True.
Q: According to Today's Health, what do most dentists say you should do with your dentures when you go to bed? CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, out to the home, we throw them all into the center of the room and have a swap party. ANSWER: Take them out.
Q: Rose Marie, if you had a protrusion of the maxillary incisors, where would I have to look to see it? ROSE MARIE: How about my place, after the show? ANSWER: The mouth. They're teeth.
Q: According to the Cosmo Girl's Guide to the New Ettiquette, it is "the most common cause of tooth loss among adults." What is it? PAUL LYNDE: Adultery. ANSWER: Gum damage.
Q: You're planning to go outside on a cold, wintry day and you don't want your lips to get chapped. Will lipstick protect you? CHARLEY WEAVER: It kept me out of three wars! ANSWER: Yes, it will, but a lip balm works better.
Q: You have a fever, chills, congestion, watery eyes and a rash on your face and the back of your neck. Then the rash spreads all over your body. What's probably your problem? PAUL LYNDE: Dad told me that would happen... ANSWER: Measles. Those are classic symptoms.
Q: In order to do something that is very popular among tourists in Ireland, you must lie on your back with your head dangling below your feet, while somebody holds your knees. In order to do what? JAN MURRAY: Kiss Maureen O'Hara. ANSWER: Kiss the blarney stone.
Q: Your girlfriend has a bad cold. According to recent studies at Wisconsin University, are chances good that you'll catch her cold just by kissing her? CHARLEY WEAVER: I don't know, but I'm going to try for double pneumonia. ANSWER: No. Chances are very slim.
Q: In a Vogue magazine article, Raquel Welch confessed that a certain part of her is artificial. It's above her shoulders. What is it? CHARLEY WEAVER: Above her shoulders? She must be standing on her head! ANSWER: False eylashes, which Raquel feels adds to any face.
Q: According to Coronet magazine, as a woman grows older, what is usually the first part of her body to lose muscle tone and become flabby? PAUL LYNDE: The good part! ANSWER: The upper arm.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Herald Examiner, are people more likely to have a problem with a mattress that's too soft or one that's too hard? ROSE MARIE: How about "too empty"? ANSWER: One that's too soft.
Q: What does Sophia Loren consider to be her greatest beauty secret? JAN MURRAY: Push-ups. ANSWER: Sleep.
Q: Is most of your liver above or below your waist? CHARLEY WEAVER: Most everything I've got is above my waist, Peter. ANSWER: Above.
Q: At sometime or another, most every woman puts something on her "cilia" to make them look nice. Where would you find a woman's cilia? PAUL LYNDE: I don't know, let's frisk 'er! ANSWER: Near her eyes. Cilia are eyelashes.
Q: Charley, if you found a girl whose measurements were exactly the average of all the Miss Americas in history, would her bust be larger than her hips? CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, now, out at the home, we have one of the first Miss Americas. PETER: Oh, really? CHARLEY: Oh yes, her bust meets her hips. PETER: I didn't know that! Isn't that interesting? ANSWER: No, one inch less.
Q: Paul, here's one on personality traits. Is a person who sits with one leg over the arm of a chair likely to be cooperative or uncooperative? PAUL LYNDE: Is this person a man or a woman? ANSWER: Uncooperative.
Q: We are often told not to swim after eating. According to Today's Health, is that a good idea or is it just an old wives' tale? MARTY ALLEN: I wouldn't know about old wives' tales - I'm a leg man. ANSWER: It's an old wives' tale.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Times, is there a very good chance that you can be struck by lightning twice and still be around to talk about it? PAUL LYNDE: Yes, but you talk about it in a higher voice. ANSWER: Yes. In fact, there's a park ranger in Virginia who holds the record. He's been struck five times.
Q:According to Raquel Welch, a woman's bust size should have nothing to do with her sex appeal. True or false? JOAN RIVERS: That's easy for her to say! ANSWER: True.
Q: In a recent issue of Today's Health magazine, they answered an old parental question this way: "If they're no use, why not yank them out?" What were they referring to? PAUL LYNDE: Babies. ANSWER: Tonsils.
Q: In doing traditional yoga exercises, when a person crosses his legs, entwines them under him, and tucks his heels up in his groin, what's it called? CHARLEY WEAVER: It's still called his groin, but it looks different. ANSWER: The lotus position.
Q: According to doctors, what is the most frequently heard medical complaint? PAUL LYNDE: Stirrups for a sore throat?!?!? ANSWER: Insomnia.
Q: You meet a doctor at a cocktail party. Is it considered rude to ask him about his health? ROSE MARIE: Don't ask. Just examine him. ANSWER: No. It would be nice for a change.
Q: Can teasing cause permanent damage to the hair? CHARLEY WEAVER: At my age teasing damages my whole body. ANSWER: No. It can break off the hair and cause tangles, but it doesn't cause permanent damage.
Q: According to a Stanford University study, who has a greater tolerance for pain, young folks or old folks? PAUL LYNDE: I don't know yet, I'm having four more old people in tomorrow. ANSWER: Young folks.
Q: Which is lower, your kidney or your bladder? CHARLEY WEAVER: If you'll excuse me, I'll check my dip stick. ANSWER: Your bladder.
Q: According to Good Housekeeping, if you want to cut down on your medical expenses, there is one thing which you should try to avoid whever possible. What? MARTY ALLEN: Bullets! ANSWER: House calls. They are most costly and less efficient.
Q: According to doctors, what do you have if you have "an obsessive, unrealistic fear of an external object"? PAUL LYNDE: You've got 10 seconds to get dressed! ANSWER: A phobia. That's the definition of a phobia.
Q: Can X-rays cause hair to grow where it didn't before? KAREN VALENTINE: I hope not...I just had a chest X-ray! ANSWER: No. It has the opposite effect of killing hair growth.
Q: Paul, we all know that men have female horomones in their bodies. But does a woman have male horomones in her body? PAUL LYNDE:...Occasionally... ANSWER: Yes
Q: According to sexologist Dr. David Reuben, what is the most important job in the world? JIM BACKUS: A sexologist's assistant. ANSWER: Housewife. The doctor thinks it's more important than any other occupation or profession.
Q: Dr. Norman Shumway was the first doctor in the United States to do something that has since become rather unpopular. What did he do? PAUL LYNDE: He sneezed during a vasectomy. ANSWER: He performed a heart transplant.
Q: Among young girls, what is the most common physical problem they all share? MARTY ALLEN: I don't know but I wish it was me. ANSWER: Poor posture - according to Today's Health magazine.
Q: According to Holiday Magazine, if you're traveling across the country on a bus, why should you have sunglasses with you? PAUL LYNDE: Because I'm a star! ANSWER: You might be on the sunny side of the bus for hours.
Q: According to doctors, what is the best single form of insurance against heart trouble? PAUL LYNDE: A 78-year-old wife. ANSWER: Exercise.
Q: True or false: Playboy Magazine helps to support the famous Masters and Johnson Sex Institute. CHARLEY WEAVER: True...they donate the girls! ANSWER: Yes. And Playboy uses the information for its magazine articles.
Q: True or false: If you get help from a good sex therapy treatment center, it will probably cost you in the neighborhood of $2,000 per week. PAUL LYNDE: much just to mingle? ANSWER: True. And most will only treat married couples.
Q: True or false: According to doctors at the University of Toronto, a room that is kept at 60 degrees at night is better for satisfying your romantic needs. CHARLEY WEAVER: I, however, prefer a woman. ANSWER: True. They say it's healthier that way.
Q: What is the first question famed sex researcher Dr. Masters asks a woman patient? PAUL LYNDE: "Are we alone?" ANSWER: "Do you take the pill?"
Q: According to Coronet magazine, out of every 1,000 men who have had a recent vasectomy, how many later said they wished they hadn't? CHARLEY WEAVER: The ones that had it done by acupuncture. ANSWER: Five.
Q: True or false: Sex can be fatal for a fat man. JAN MURRAY: No, just for his skinny wife. ANSWER: True - according to the American Society for Bariatrics.
Q: True or false: If you are naked and inactive it takes a temperature of at least 85 degrees to keep you comfortable. ROSE MARIE: That's me, Peter, naked and inactive. ANSWER: True.
Q: On the average, how much does your liver weigh? CHARLEY WEAVER: Twice as much as my onions. ANSWER: About three pounds.
Q: According to The Woman magazine, what is the worst enemy of a woman's skin? PAUL LYNDE: A fist. ANSWER: The sun.
Q: Generally, is it more expensive for a woman to surgically have her bust made bigger or smaller? CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, I know at the market a cantaloupe costs more than a lemon! ANSWER: Smaller.
Q: One of Joan Crawford's beauty hints is to use mayonnaise as something. What? PAUL LYNDE: A negligee. ANSWER: A facial masque.
Q: According to orthopedic surgeons, which situation is most likely to give you a backache: sleeping alone, or sleeping with someone else? CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll take my chances. ANSWER: Sleeping with someone else.
Q: You're at the doctor's office, and he's examing your medula oblongota. Did you have to remove your clothes? ROSE MARIE: No, and I had my heart set on it! ANSWER: No, probably not. The medula oblongota is part of your brain.
Q: Is there any medical evidence that smoking after 30 will reduce your interest in sex? PAUL LYNDE: After 30 what? ANSWER: Yes.
Q: In this country today, is there a great need for new, young nurses? CHARLEY WEAVER: There's a great need in this very square, Peter! ANSWER: Yes.
Q: If a person is injured, there is one thing you should never give him until he's seen a doctor. What shouldn't you give him? PAUL LYNDE: A loan. ANSWER: Liquids. Nothing by mouth until the doctor's okay.
Q: It's the middle of the night, and you're in bed. Is your blood pressure down, or is it up? CHARLEY WEAVER: Am I alone? ANSWER: It's down, if you're sleeping.
Q: According to an article in Coronet magazine, what's the one word that explains why people undergo plastic surgery? PAUL LYNDE: Nose. ANSWER: Vanity.
Q: If you've been working late at the office and then walk outside into the night, why should you wait a few minutes before driving off towards home? CHARLEY WEAVER: You might get lucky. ANSWER: You should give your eyes a chance to adjust to the darkness, according to
the National Safety Council.

Q: If it's necessary to blow your nose in public, you should avert your head and use your handkerchief. Should you also say "excuse me"? CHARLEY WEAVER: Only if you miss! ANSWER: No need to make a production of it. The "excuse me" will only attract more attention than you should want.
Q: Frank Sinatra recently needed an operation. What did they operate on? PAUL LYNDE: His stand-in. ANSWER: His hand. He had muscle spasms that closed his hand into a fist.
Q: According to the Chicago Tribune, what is nature's "last resort" in trying to keep the body warm? JAN MURRAY: Phyllis Diller. ANSWER: Shivering. The first natural response is goose pimples.
Q: A Greek doctor named Galen invented something in 150 A.D. that millions of women still use every night. What? PAUL LYNDE: The headache. ANSWER: Cold cream.
Q: If your kid is healthy but bow-legged, should you do anything to help? CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes, find him a knock-kneed girl. ANSWER: No. Bow legs and knock knees correct themselves.
Q: Hospitals are now allowing nurses to do something because of all the leaning, reaching, and stooping the girls have to do. What are the hospitals allowing them to do? PAUL LYNDE: Scream. ANSWER: Wear slack suits instead of dresses.
Q: True or false: Right now you have more than 10 quarts of water in your body. CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes...can we go to a commercial soon, Peter? ANSWER: True.

Chapter 3

Legend and Literature

Q: According to Greek legend, if a young boy was in love with 
a girl, he might toss something at her. And if she caught it, 
that meant she was receptive. What was it? 
PAUL LYNDE: His toga. 
ANSWER: An apple.
Q: According to mythology, the first man was made from a tree. What was the first woman made from? CHARLEY WEAVER: Just a couple of drinks and a movie. ANSWER: A tree, too. He was an ash and she was an elm.
Q: In mythology, what would the god Morpheus do to you while you were sleeping? PAUL LYNDE: I don't know about you, but I got an enchanted hickey. ANSWER: Make you dream.
Q: In mythology, Hercules first showed his power when he was only eight months old by squeezing two of them in his crib. Two what? CHARLEY WEAVER: Was his mother tucking him in at the time? ANSWER: Snakes. He strangled them.
Q: In Greek mythology, Lotis, the beautiful daughter of Poseidon, was being chased by a lustful man. She prayed for help and the gods changed her into something. What? ROSE MARIE: A bathrobe. ANSWER: A tree.
Q: In Greek mythology, they were known as "golden apples." What do we call them today? JAN MURRAY: Silicone. ANSWER: Oranges.
Q: In mythology, Achilles' mother didn't want her son to go to war, so she dressed him up like a girl and made him sit with a bunch of women and do something. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: "The Virginia Graham Show." ANSWER: Sew.
Q: In ancient mythology, the harpies were fierce and filthy monsters with the faces of women and the bodies of...what? PAUL LYNDE: Also women! ANSWER: Vultures.
Q: In mythology, how di that legendary strong man, Hercules, finally die? CHARLEY WEAVER: A double hernia. ANSWER: From wearing a poisoned shirt.
Q: In mythology, everything that King Midas touched turned to gold. But there was one thing he touched that made him regret ever having such power. What did he touch? PAUL LYNDE: I know he was taking a shower... ANSWER: His daughter.
Q: According to the World Book, in mythology, young Ulysses did not want to go off and fight in the terrible Trojan War. So he pretended he was...what? CHARLEY WEAVER: A decorator. ANSWER: Crazy. But he finally had to go anyway.
Q: True or false: In Roman mythology, Rose Marie was the goddess of hunting. JAN MURRAY: And still is... ANSWER: False. Diana was.
Q: According to Greek mythology, the god Apollo, in love with the maiden Daphne, pursued her through the forest. When he caught her, what did she change into? MEL BROOKS: Something comfortable. ANSWER: A tree.
Q: In mythology, Alexander the Great finally cut the legendary Gordian Knot. Then what happened? CHARLEY WEAVER: Gordian's pants fell down. ANSWER: He fulfilled the prophecy and became a great ruler.
Q: What legendary beast is said to be irresistably attracted to any beautiful, pure maiden alone in the forest? ROSE MARIE: Burt Reynolds. ANSWER: The unicorn, which is why virgins were needed to capture unicorns.
Q: According to legend, only one person saw Lady Godiva ride through the streets naked. How did he make his living? CHARLEY WEAVER: Selling photographs. ANSWER: He was a tailor.
Q: According to legend, he crossed America's open spaces giving seeds to strangers, planting his own, and always moving on. Who was he? PAUL LYNDE: Hugh O'Brian. ANSWER: Johnny Appleseed.
Q: There is an old superstition that if a girl goes to a wedding, then brings home something she picked up there and puts it under her pillow, she will get a man. Brings what home? ROSE MARIE: His tuxedo. ANSWER: A piece of the wedding cake.
Q: There's an old superstition that if a baby is born feet first, he'll have a special talent. What talent? PAUL LYNDE: Holding his breath for a long time. ANSWER: Magic. He'll soon have magical powers.
Q: According to superstition, if in your dreams you are in a strange bed, it means something. Means what? CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, out at the home, that means I'm out of intensive care. ANSWER: It means you'll soon marry.
Q: According to the Bible, when Lot's wife saw the wicked cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, she changed into something. What? PAUL LYNDE: A leather jumpsuit. ANSWER: A pillar of salt.
Q: When Noah went on the ark, did he take his wife along? CHARLEY WEAVER: No, it was a pleasure cruise. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: According to the Bible, Adam was supposed to "dress it and keep it." What was it? PAUL LYNDE: A Barbie doll. ANSWER: The Garden of Eden.
Q: In the Bible, Jacob spent an entire night wrestling with someone before he learned who it was. Who was it? MARTY ALLEN: Esther. ANSWER: An angel.
Q: While Sampson was asleep, Delilah cut his hair off, which made him a weak man. How did Sampson regain his strength again? PAUL LYNDE: He cut Delilah off! ANSWER: By letting his hair grow long again.
Q: According to Shakespeare, beauty makes a woman proud. Virtue makes her most admired. But what is it that makes a woman "seem divine"? PAUL LYNDE: A fifth of vodka. ANSWER: Modesty.
Q: In Shakespeare, what was Juliet talking about when she said, "It is too rash, too unadvised, too sudden"? JAN MURRAY: Romeo's quick little hands. ANSWER: Marriage - to Romeo - whom she ahd just met.
Q: In what world-famous play does a queen kiss a donkey? PAUL LYNDE: Oh! Calcutta. ANSWER: "A Midsummer Night's Dream," by Shakespeare.
Q: What famous character described himself as "one who loved not wisely but too well"? ROSE MARIE: Mickey Rooney. ANSWER: Shakespeare's "Othello."

Chapter 4

Junior and Senior Citizens

Q: Do unborn babies dream?
PAUL LYNDE: Yes, about getting out!
ANSWER: Yes, according to a recent USC study. But they have 
yet to discover what they dream about.
Q: According to Dr. Benjamin Spock, "It is preferable that baby not sleep in his parent's room after he is..." how old? ROSE MARIE: Old enough to work a camera. ANSWER: 6 months.
Q: Does standing a 5-month old baby on his legs make him bow-legged? PAUL LYNDE: No. You've got to push down on him. ANSWER: No.
Q: True or false: According to Dr. Benjamin Spock, a baby's body is 60% water. PAUL LYNDE: And the other 40% is even worse! ANSWER: True.
Q: True or false: A fat mommy and a fat daddy will more than likely have a fat little baby. JAN MURRAY: I know they'd rather have Veal Parmigiana. ANSWER: True. By an 80% chance.
Q: You have taught your baby not to hit you when he's mad. What will he probably do instead? PAUL LYNDE: Make an obscene gesture. ANSWER: Throw a tanturm. This is the most common reaction.
Q: According to Dr. Benjamin Spock, "Most babies who use a pacifier freely for the first few months of life never become..." what? PAUL LYNDE: A leg man. ANSWER: Thumb suckers.
Q: If you're uncomfortable about discussing sex with your child, should you do so anyway? MICKEY ROONEY: Sure, how else are you going to learn anything? ANSWER: No. The child may sense your discomfort and that may influence him to regard the subject as unhealthy.
Q: You're serving liver and onions for dinner tonight, and your young child insists over and over that he won't eat any. According to doctors in Today's Health, what should you do? PAUL LYNDE: Tell him he's adopted. ANSWER: Let him have something else. The dinner table should not be a battle ground.
Q: Joan, your baby has a certain object that he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit? JOAN RIVERS: Yes, because it's Daddy's turn! ANSWER: No. It's harmless.
Q: Is a Girl Scout awarded anything if she's good on roller skates? PAUL LYNDE: I don't think it's possible on roller skates! ANSWER: Yes - a roller-skating merit badge.
Q: The Boy Scouts handbook advisies that it's a simple task, and once it's become "a habit, it becomes part of your life and you can't help yourself" from doing it. Doing what? CHARLEY WEAVER: Lifting the seat. ANSWER: A good turn, helping someone.
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? MARTY ALLEN: Only after lights out. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: When asked whether their life has been happy so far, 90% of the American youngsters polled gave the same answer. What? PAUL LYNDE: "Buzz off!" ANSWER: Yes.
Q: According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most often ask mommy and daddy? PAUL LYNDE: "Where can I get some?" ANSWER: "Where do babies come from?"
Q: According to Ladies' Home Journal, if your child cries out in the middle of a nightmare, is there anything you should do? PAUL LYNDE: Soundproof his room. ANSWER: No. Let him sleep through and he'll probably forget the whole thing by morning.
Q: You have a young child who has an imaginary friend he talks to, plays with, and even introduces to his friends. According to child psychologists, should you be worried about him? CHARLEY WEAVER: Only if the imaginary friend gets pregnant. ANSWER: No. It's considered perfectly normal in the early years of a child's life.
Q: If your young child starts playing with his food at the table, what should you do? PAUL LYNDE: Push his high chair over. ANSWER: Take the food away and dismiss him from the table.
Q: According to Dr. Benjamin Spock, if you have twins, should you forget about nursing? CHARLEY WEAVER: No, but you're in trouble with triplets! ANSWER: No, not at all. Nature will obey the laws of supply and demand.
Q: According to Woman's Day, should children always be told when they're adopted? PAUL LYNDE: Even if they're not. Keeps 'em on their toes. ANSWER: Yes, always.
Q: When a couple has a baby, who is responsible for its sex? CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him. ANSWER: The father.
Q: For many, many years, what was the person called who headed the famous "Ding Dong School"? PAUL LYNDE: Timothy Leary. ANSWER: Miss Frances.
Q: Which one of your five senses tends to diminish the quickest as you grow older? CHARLEY WEAVER: My sense of decency. ANSWER: Your sense of smell.
Q: Do doctors advise elderly people to eat more slowly than younger people? CHARLEY WEAVER: No, may never get to dessert! ANSWER: Yes. Elderly people are more likely to choke.
Q: According to Man & Woman magazine, what is the main reason a 75-year-old
man would marry a 70-year-old woman? PAUL LYNDE: He wants her body! ANSWER: Companionship, of course.
Q: True or false: People need more and more sleep as they get older. CHARLEY WEAVER: It's not what they need, but it's certainly all they get. ANSWER: False. They need less and less.
Q: According to Dr. David Reuben, can a 72-year old woman get pregnant? CHARLEY WEAVER: I think she has a better shot at emphysema. ANSWER: No.
Q: According to Cosmopolitan, what is the primary factor in determining how soon a woman turns gray? PAUL LYNDE: How tight you squeeze her. ANSWER: Heredity; her family background.
Q: Glora Swanson, who is 74, says she had one in Hollywood, one in New York, one in Portugal, and one in Palm Springs. What did she have? ROSE MARIE: A hot flash? ANSWER: A house.
Q: A woman recently wrote in to Dr. David Reuben asking if there was anything wrong with her 58-year old hubby, who feels extremely amorous every single night at bedtime. What did Dr. Reuben say? CHARLEY WEAVER: Beg him to come back home. ANSWER: No. More power to him.
Q: Charley, an 80-year old doctor, A. J. Quick, has recently discovered something important, and he named it after himself. What did he name, A. J. Quick? CHARLEY WEAVER: 80 years old? I'd say the "quickie"...what else? ANSWER: A vitamin, specifically "Vitamin Q".
Q: In 1886, Grover Cleveland became the oldest of our presidents to get...what? PAUL LYNDE: Excited. ANSWER: Married.
Q: You're a 71-year-old man and you find that you're not as interested in sex as much as you used to be. Does you doctor have anything that might help? CHARLEY WEAVER: No, but his nurse has! ANSWER: Yes. Horomone injections might help.
Q: The leader of a new Senior Citizens group called the Gray Panthers says that the happiness of older people depends on two things. One of them is social reform. What's the other? PAUL LYNDE: A good prune crop. ANSWER: Sex.
Q: According to a recnt article in the Miami Herald, at age 78, is Groucho Marx still interested in sex? CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes, but he's forgotten the secret word! ANSWER: He says no.

Chapter 5

Pregnancy and the Pill

Q: A woman you know has been trying to have a baby for the 
past 3 years, but she hasn't had any luck. Can hypnosis help?
PAUL LYNDE: First I'd try dating.
ANSWER: Yes, assuming she is otherwise healthy.
Q: According to recent large-scale studies on the pill in England, do women on the pill tend to be more outgoing than other women? CHARLEY WEAVER: If the pill works, they're out going all the time. ANSWER: Yes. Outgoing, extroverted.
Q: True or false: One of the side effects of the pill can be depression. PAUL LYNDE: Only if she forgets to take it! ANSWER: True.
Q: True or false: In Italy it is against the law to send a pregnant woman to jail. HARVEY KORMAN: Yes, and no Italian woman has gone to jail in 28 years. ANSWER: True. The sentence is postponed.
Q: According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why? PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town. ANSWER: Because of her career.
Q: You're in your mommy's tummy waiting to be born. Can you hiccup? REDD FOXX: Yes, but you'll give away your position. ANSWER: Yes, it happens.
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?!? ANSWER: Elephants carry their babies for 22 months. Your elephant.
Q: True or false: There has been a steady decline in the birth rate in this country since 1957. ROSE MARIE: I've certainly done my part. ANSWER: True. 1957 was the all-time banner year for births.
Q: One woman you know takes birth control pills. Another woman doesn't take the pill. Which of them probably smokes more? PAUL LYNDE: Can the pill make ya' smoke? ANSWER: The woman who takes the pill, according to studies in London.
Q: According to the A.M.A., should a pregnant woman use seat belts? CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes. If she wants a tall, skinny child. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: Ann Landers recently stated, "If you're pregnant, girls, do your baby a favor. Don't..." Don't what? PAUL LYNDE: Don't break up with your boyfriend. ANSWER: Smoke.
Q: A girl has been married for a year and she's still not pregnant. According to People magazine, should she see a doctor? ROSE MARIE: If he's single. ANSWER: Yes. Have a check-up.
Q: The famous "rabbit test" will tel you if you're pregnant. What will the "mouse test" tell you? PAUL LYNDE: If Annette Funicello is pregnant. ANSWER: The same thing: if you are pregnant.
Q: According to an old wives' tale, if a woman is carrying her baby high and to the right, what will she give birth to? MARTY ALLEN: A conservative. ANSWER: A boy. But it's just an old wives' tale.
Q: True or false: According to Today's Health magazine, orchids might be able to be used for birth control. PAUL LYNDE: If ya' leave the pin in. ANSWER: True. research is being done on a certain kind of orchid seed.
Q: Is it dangerous for a pregnant woman to use bug spray? CHARLEY WEAVER: It's too late, anyway. ANSWER: Yes. Pregnant women should never use pesticides.
Q: Can an airline stewardess get pregnant and remain a stewardess? PAUL LYNDE: Yes, after a cigarette and a little nap. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: You're taking the new "mini-pill." What will it do for you? PAUL LYNDE: It'll ward off pygmies. ANSWER: Keep you from having babies. It's like the Pill, but with less side effects.
Q: Who usually has a faster heartbeat, a pregnant mother or her unborn baby? JOHN DAVIDSON: How about the mystery father? ANSWER: The baby does - usually 120 beats per minute.
Q: Before you are born, is it possible for you to frown? PAUL LYNDE: Only at strangers. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: True or false: Scientists now believe that the moon might be used for birth control. PAUL LYNDE: That's hard to swallow. ANSWER: True. The moon may be affecting our biological cycles.

Chapter 6

The Birds & The Bees

Q: What's the first thing you should do if you get stung by 
a bee?
PAUL LYNDE: Swell up.
ANSWER: Remove the stinger.
Q: Why is the booby bird called the booby bird? KAREN VALENTINE: Because they've got big...feet! ANSWER: Because they're so stupid.
Q: A male fly has just finished a romantic encounter. According to fly experts, what should the fly be looking forward to in the near future? PAUL LYNDE: I don't think he's going to do much better than another fly. ANSWER: Dying. Most die fairly soon.
Q: What is the slowest moving creature on earth? ROSE MARIE: The guys I go out with. ANSWER: The snail. It takes 3 weeks to cover one mile.
Q: True or false: It is illegal in California to transport a parrot across the state line. PAUL LYNDE: Only if it's for immoral purposes. ANSWER: False.
Q: According to the World Book, what would you call a grasshopper with short feelers? JAN MURRAY: Unlucky in love. ANSWER: A locust.
Q: Your are teaching your parrot to talk. Will he do better if you cover his cage, or should you leave it uncovered? PAUL LYNDE: he can see my whip! ANSWER: Keep it covered.
Q: How often do hummingbirds mate? JIM BROLIN: 6,324 times a minute. ANSWER: Twice a year.
Q: How does a boy firely find a girl firefly? PAUL LYNDE: Trial and error. ANSWER: By following her flashing lights.
Q: What does a female moth do when she wants to attract a mate? CHARLEY WEAVER: She eats his clothes off. ANSWER: She releases a scent.
Q: Studies show that eagles can do something about eight times better than humans. Do what? PAUL LYNDE: Make baby eagles. ANSWER: See.
Q: Your pet canary is swinging in its cage, singing its heart out. Is it probably a boy canary, or a girl canary? MARTY ALLEN: I can't's swingin' too fast. ANSWER: Probably a boy, since most girl canaries don't sing.
Q: Beekeepers sometimes give their bees a little nip of honey wine.Why? PAUL LYNDE: Beekeepers are so lonely! ANSWER: To get them interested in making honey. Bees are sometimes slow to get to work in the spring.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Times, the Chinese have a very special use for hummingbird tongues. What do they use them for? JAN MURRAY: Cheap little thrills. ANSWER: For eating. They are considered a rare delicacy.
Q: Zoo keepers often put a sock over an ostrich's head. Why? PAUL LYNDE: So the ostrich can't identify him in court. ANSWER: To lead them or treat them if they are ill. The sock prevents them from becoming frightened.
Q: If you had your choice, Paul, would you rather be kicked by a mule, or by an ostrich? PAUL LYNDE: ...They both sound pretty good to me! ANSWER: By the mule. The ostrich can kick much harder.

Chapter 7

LSD - Love, Sex and Dating

Q: According to columnist Ellen Peck, if a girl goes out on a 
date and unexpectedly finds herself at an X-rated movie that 
she doesn't want to see, what should she say to her date?
PAUL LYNDE: "Untie me, please."
ANSWER: "Let's leave."
Q: You've decided that you just shouldn't continue dating this girl you've been going with for three months. According to The Playboy Advisor, where's the best place to give her the news? CHARLEY WEAVER: Leave a note in the crib. ANSWER: Preferably at a a public place, like a restaurant, because you might weaken alone at night.
Q: According to Dear Abby, what's the first thing a 16-year-old girl should do about a boy who won't keep his hands to himself? JOAN RIVERS: Marry him - that's how I cured Edgar! ANSWER: Tell him to cut it out. If that doesn't work, get rid of him.
Q: In a recent interview, Dinah Shore admitted that being in love has ruined her ability to do something as well as she once did. What can't she do as well anymore? PAUL LYNDE: Walk. ANSWER: Play tennis.
Q: According to the Encylopedia of Ettiquette, when is it not proper for a man to kiss a woman's hand? CHARLEY WEAVER: When she's stuffing a turkey. ANSWER: When she's wearing gloves.
Q: You've given your girlfriend a new angora sweater. A week later, she complains to you that it's been shedding. Is there anything you can do about it? PAUL LYNDE: Tape her mouth shut. ANSWER: No, according to Glamour Magazine.
Q: According to Hugh O'Brien, of all the women he's dated, the one he enjoyed most was a...a what? CHARLEY WEAVER: A Phillipine acrobat. ANSWER: A Princess - Princess Soraya.
Q: In her advice column, Ask Karen, Karen Valentine tells a 14-year-old girl who is afraid of boys that young guys can be three things. They can be fun, they can be companions...and what else? PAUL LYNDE: ...They can be daddies! ANSWER: Great friends.
Q: According to Photoplay, there is one thing Joe Namath doesn't like his dates to discuss. What? BURT REYNOLDS: His passes. ANSWER: Football.
Q: According to columnist Ann Landers, is it okay to hold hands in the halls at school? CHARLEY WEAVER: Not at West Point! ANSWER: Yes.
Q: According to Dear Abby, is it wise for a woman to tell a man she loves him before he says it first? PAUL LYNDE: If there's time... ANSWER: No. If he hasn't said so, chances are he wouldn't be sincere in following her hint.
Q: You and your girl are kissing alfresco. What is alfresco? CHARLEY WEAVER: Just an innocent bystander. ANSWER: Outdoors.
Q: Newspapers in London are saying that the romance between MarkPhillips and Princess Anne is getting quite serious, and that it all started because the two of them shared a common passion for something. For what? PAUL LYNDE: Chiffon. ANSWER: Horses.
Q: According to Joanne Woodward, there is something which, like love, "should be done and not talked about." What is it? MEL BROOKS: Laundry. ANSWER: Acting.
Q: True or false: John Davidson's first date when he came to Hollywood was Annette Funicello. PAUL LYNDE: Wasn't everybody's? ANSWER: False.
Q: You're a shy, bashful girl... ROSE MARIE: Oh, no I'm not! Q: All hypothetical, we know that...according to Cosmo, will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband? ROSE MARIE: Gee, I did that once, Pete, and his wife caught us. ANSWER: No.
Q: According to Dear Abby, after a young man who is dating a young woman tells her "I love you" repeatedly, there is another question she usually expects to hear next. What is it? CHARLEY WEAVER: "Shall we get back in the car?" ANSWER: "Will you marry me?"
Q: In a recent interview, Tony Randall said, "Every woman I've ever been intimate with in my life was..." what? PAUL LYNDE: Extremely disappointed. ANSWER: Liberated.
Q: According to Amy Vanderbilt, what is the maximum length of time you and your fiancee should be engaged? ROSE MARIE: Engaged in what? ANSWER: 6 months.
Q: When you take a girl home after a date, should you offer to unlock the door for her? CHARLEY WEAVER: Let her find her own way out. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: According to Amy Vanderbilt, how long should a formal engagement last? PAUL LYNDE: Well, check-out time's eleven... ANSWER: 6 months. Any longer makes a risky marriage.
Q: You have a date with a Spanish girl, and when you pick her up, she has a duenna. What does that mean? CHARLEY WEAVER: Don't kiss her on the lips. ANSWER: A chaperone - very proper for Spanish girls.
Q: According to the Old Farmer's Almanac, if a man gives a woman a tulip, it means that hers are the most beautiful he has ever seen. The most beautiful what? PAUL LYNDE: Bulbs. ANSWER: Eyes.
Q: According to Abigail Van Buren, if a young girl would like to find out what her prospective mate is realy like to live with, whom should she ask? JAN MURRAY: His wife. ANSWER: His mother.
Q: According to Coronet magazine, nothing confuses a man more than when a woman suddenly starts...starts what? PAUL LYNDE: Before he gets there. ANSWER: Crying.
Q: Every time you kiss your girl, you feel an irrepressible urge to laugh. Does The Playboy Advisor have any recommendations for this problem? CHARLEY WEAVER: Try Miss September. ANSWER: Yes. Get more experience. This may calm you down, or you may need psycholgical counseling.
Q: According to Cosmopolitan, every so often a girl will hear "the dreaded question" on a date, even if she's dating the world's greatest lover. What is "the dreaded question"? PAUL LYNDE: "Would you like to see my war wound?" ANSWER: "Where do you want to go?"

Chapter 8


Q: Helen Gurley Brown recently said of Henry Kissinger, "His 
most outstanding, endearing quality is his ability to make 
someone feel..." Feel what?
JAN MURRAY: His thighs.
ANSWER: Important.
Q: Pat Nixon has worked at many things in her life. What was she doing when she met the President? PAUL LYNDE: Hitchhiking. ANSWER: Teaching school.
Q: Jesse L. Steinfeld is very concerned about what you eat, drink, or smoke. Why? MARTY ALLEN: He's my mother. ANSWER: He's Surgeon General of the United States (at least, at the time of this question.)
Q: According to Aristotle Onassis, after you've been this way for four years, nothing surprises you. What way is that? PAUL LYNDE: Irregular. ANSWER: Married.
Q: Not long ago, while commenting on a very timely topic, Julie Nixon Eisenhower remarked, "Nothing could be more personal than a..." A what? JAN MURRAY: A hickey. ANSWER: A tape.
Q: Queen Elizabeth says she's had 25 years experience with it, and she definitley thinks it's a good thing. What is it? PAUL LYNDE: David Niven. ANSWER: Marriage and family life.
Q: According to Newsweek, there's one thing that Ronald Reagan does not like to be called. What is it? MARTY ALLEN: Collect. ANSWER: "Square."
Q: Martha Mitchell recently said that she wants to work somewhereto "try to put a little love into the world." Where does she want to work to do this? PAUL LYNDE: Sunset Boulevard. ANSWER: In the State Department.
Q: Aristotle Onassis' old friend, Maria Callas, recently did something for the first time, and surprisingly she didn't sing a note while doing it. What did she do? PAUL LYNDE: Sank his yacht. ANSWER: She made her film debut.
Q: According to Mrs. Nixon herself, how does she want to be remembered? CHARLEY WEAVER: As the wife of one of America's great presidents. She didn't say which one. ANSWER: Just as the wife of a President.
Q: Mrs. Spiro Agnew recently published an article in Today's Health entitled, "Don't Be Ashamed To Call Yourself..." What? PAUL LYNDE: Contagious. ANSWER: Housewife.
Q: According to Newsweek, what one word did Julie Nixon Eisenhower say when she broke her toe recntly? JAN MURRAY: Whiplash! ANSWER: "Ouch."
Q: According to the Los Angeles Herald Examiner, whenever Mrs. Ronald Reagan gets mad, she sits in the bathtub and talks to someone. Who? PAUL LYNDE: George Murphy. ANSWER: Herself. She holds long conversations with herself.
Q: Golda Meir recently stated, "Never has a man presumed, never, to do that in my presence." Do what in her presence? MILTON BERLE: Nipped at her brisket. ANSWER: "Tell a shady joke," an off-color story.
Q: According to Newsweek, Jackie Onassis has had 19 of them in her New York apartment in the past four years. 19 what? PAUL LYNDE: 19 of the most glorious minutes of her life. ANSWER: Chefs.
Q: Sen. Barry Goldwater recently stated, "I don't think it's a precious right, but I don't think it should be jammed down anyone's throat." What is it? JIM BROLIN: Infidelity. ANSWER: The right to vote.
Q: When Richard Nixon was Vice-President, he went someplace on a "goodwill" mission, but instead wound up being stoned and shouted at. Where did this take place? PAUL LYNDE: Pat's room. ANSWER: In South America.
Q: Princess Anne recently said, "It's the one thing the world can see I do well, and it's got nothing to do with my position or anything." What's the thing she does well? ROSE MARIE: She ties her own shoes. ANSWER: Ride a horse.
Q: True or false: Virginia Knauer advises the President about consumer affairs. JAN MURRAY: True, she's the Secretary of Hotels, Motels and Welfare. ANSWER: True.
Q: Mrs. Spiro Agnew has something named "Leo" which Bob Hope gave her. What is it? PAUL LYNDE: A son. ANSWER: A poodle.
Q: U.S. News and World Report said that Governor Reagan has recently been deluged with a tremendous amount of requests to do one particular thing. What is it? SUZANNE PLESHETTE: Retire. ANSWER: Speak at Republican rallies.
Q: William F. Buckley, Jr. has taken lessons in something, and he claims he's pretty good at it. At what? JIM BACKUS: Natural childbirth. ANSWER: Karate. "Providence has been very good to the people who haven't tested me," he says.
Q: According to Mrs. Harry Truman, there are two things that a woman must have to be a first lady. One is good health. What is the other? PAUL LYNDE: A good build. ANSWER: A sense of humor.

Chapter 9

Books, Stories and Comics

Q: Chad Everett, of Medical Center, has just had a 
 book published. What's Doc Everett's book about?
PAUL LYNDE: The heartbreak of psoriasis.
ANSWER: Poetry, to his wife.
Q: One of the most popular books of recent months has been The Sensuous Woman, written by someone who signed her name simply, "J." What does "J" stand for? CHARLEY WEAVER: Judging by the book, she'd stand for anything! ANSWER: Joan. The author is Joan Garrity.
Q: Christine Jorgensen has written a book entitled A Lump, A Pinch, and A Dash. What is this book about? PAUL LYNDE: Her sex life. ANSWER: It's a cookbook.
Q: According to the new book Those Fabulous Greeks, as a boy, it was the first thing Aristotle Onassis saw in the morning and the last thing he saw at night. What was it? JAN MURRAY: Maria Callas. ANSWER: The sea.
Q: There's a popular new book out called Please Touch. What's it about? CHARLEY WEAVER: Rose Marie. ANSWER: Encounter groups and other therapy involving the hugging and touching of other people.
Q: According to the book The Art of Looking Younger, there is one particular thing that is never, ever good for your skin, in spite of the fact that you might enjoy it. What is it? PAUL LYNDE: A bullwhip. ANSWER: The sun.
Q: Louisa May Alcott wrote the famous book, Little Women. She also wrote a book about men. What was it called? PAUL LYNDE: What You Always Wanted To Know About Little Women But Were Afraid To Ask. ANSWER: Little Men.
Q: Who wrote Over The River and Into The Trees? VINCENT PRICE: Lassie. ANSWER: Ernest Hemmingway.
Q: Sex experts Masters and Johnson have been rebuked for having written a book about sex without mentioning a particular four-letter word even once. What is this word? PAUL LYNDE: Rest. ANSWER: Love.
Q: There have been several books and movies about a character called Horatio Hornblower, R.N. What does R.N. stand for? ARTE JOHNSON: Registered Nurse. ANSWER: Royal Navy.
Q: In a famous scene, Tom Sawyer promises his buddies he'd let them have a peek at something. What? PAUL LYNDE: Becky Thatcher. ANSWER: His sore toe.
Q: A booklet put out by Buckingham Palace warns you not to serve oysters and wine to Princess Anne. Why not? PAUL LYNDE: She goes crazy! ANSWER: She hates them, that's why.
Q: According to the book The Difference Between a Man and a Woman, what is the very first trauma that a human male experiences? JAN MURRAY: Is this male Jewish? ANSWER: The trauma of birth.
Q: According to best-selling author Dr. David Reuben, what is the most powerful sexual instrument? PAUL LYNDE: Unlimited cash. ANSWER: The brain.
Q: There is a best-selling book entitled A Man Called Lucy. What's it about? MARTY ALLEN: Hairdressing. ANSWER: Spying. Lucy was a famous spy during World War II.
Q: There's a popular new book which is subtitled Jackie and Ari's First Year. What's the real title of the book? PAUL LYNDE: It Happened One Night. ANSWER: The $2,000,000 Honeymoon.
Q: According to the book The Joy of Sex, "Getting something is probably the most important lesson of sex." Getting what? CHARLEY WEAVER: Getting on with it! ANSWER: "Unscared," or relaxed.
Q: True or false: Albert Einstein and Sigmund Freud once got together and wrote a book. PAUL LYNDE: Yes, it was called Sex and the Speed of Light. ANSWER: True.
Q: According to the book Comfortable Words, what is the most thoroughly disapproved-of word in the English language? ROSE MARIE: Single. ANSWER: "Ain't." Everybody hates it.
Q: According to the book How Sex Can Keep You Slim, an average romantic session burns up how many calories? 50, 100, or 200? PAUL LYNDE: I don't care. I'll stick to cottage cheese. ANSWER: 200
Q: Well, Dr. David Reuben has come out with a sequel to his best-selling book. The new one is called Any Woman... Any woman what? CHARLEY WEAVER: Will Do. ANSWER: "Can."
Q: According to the book The Cowboys, back in the Old West, where would you look to see a cowboy's jingle-bobs? PAUL LYNDE: Is that before or after the Indian raid? ANSWER: On his spurs.
Q: Pat Nixon has written a book containg some of her memoirs called Someone, Come Home. Who is the someone? VINCENT PRICE: That's what Dick would like to know! ANSWER: Checkers, their late, great dog.
Q: Recently, the biggest-selling book in Moscow was a bulky, 4-volume set that sold for 12 rubles. It listed 850,000 different what? PAUL LYNDE: Positions. ANSWER: Phone numbers. In Moscow you have to buy their phone book.
Q: In Alice in Wonderland, what was the Queen of Hearts' favorite sport? CHARLEY WEAVER: The Jack of Clubs. ANSWER: Croquet.
Q: With which book do you associate the phrase, "Big Brother is watching you"? PAUL LYNDE: Anything by Masters and Johnson. ANSWER: 1984, by George Orwell.
Q: According to the book Wake Up Your Body, if your wife gives you a warm bath, followed by a nice, easy massage, what usually happens next? JAN MURRAY: She'll tell you what happened to the car. ANSWER: You should fall alseep. That's what the treatment is for.
Q: In the famous H. G. Wells story, The War of the Worlds, the invading martians are finally killed by something very small. What is it? CHARLEY WEAVER: A spoonful of donkey fazoo. ANSWER: Bacteria - germs.
Q: In the popular children's Mother Goose rhyme, what did the pussy cat do under the Queen's chair? PAUL LYNDE: Numero uno. ANSWER: It frightened a mouse.
Q: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying, "I'm late, I'm late"? PAUL LYNDE: Alice, and her mother is sick about it! PETER: That's a good start, I'll tell you... ANSWER: The White Rabbit.
Q: In a popular children's story, who kept saying, "I think I can, I think I can"? CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, now, out at the home that'd be Mr. Ferguson...and Mrs. Ferguson keeps saying, "I wish he would, I wish he would!" ANSWER: The Little Engine That Could.
Q: In a famous fairy tale, a queen is bathing when a frog jumps out of the water and says to the queen, "Thy wish shall be fulfilled." What was the queen's wish? PAUL LYNDE: She wanted the frog to talk dirty. ANSWER: To have a child. And she eventually had Sleeping Beauty.
Q: According to a well-known Mother Goose rhyme, "Bye baby bunting, Daddy's gona a-hunting to get a little..." A little what? CHARLEY WEAVER: That's true. ANSWER: Rabbit skin.
Q: In the story of A Christmas Carol, Scrooge always said "Bah, humbug!" every time Bob Cratchit said one particular thing. What was it? PAUL LYNDE: "Kiss me." ANSWER: The word "Christmas."
Q: What world-famous fictional character lived away from it all with an old man and a goat? PAUL LYNDE: Jackie Onassis. ANSWER: Heidi.
Q: In the comic strips, The Green Lantern got his awesome power from a power ring and a gren lamp. What was the only thing that could take his power away? JAN MURRAY: Prune danish. ANSWER: Anything yellow.
Q: Superman had a large "S" on his chest. What did Captain Marvel have on his chest? MARTY ALLEN: A training bra. ANSWER: A golden thunderbolt.
Q: According to his publishers, Superman is going to undergo an image change. What will the new Superman have that he doesn't have now? PAUL LYNDE: We won't know until they remove the bandages. ANSWER: Long hair, sideburns, and new glasses.

Chapter 10

Sex Education and Violence

Q: According to The Woman magazine, if you wake up 
at night and sense there is a stranger in the room with you,
what should you do?
ROSE MARIE: Rejoice!
ANSWER: Pretend you're still asleep. Don't startle him. 
Call the police as soon as he leaves.
Q: According to Coronet magazine, what is a man's basic sexual fear? PAUL LYNDE: Being stuck in an elevator. ANSWER: That his wife will go out and find someone better than he is.
Q: True or false: Most physical attacks are never reported to the police. ROSE MARIE: No...I just put them in my diary. ANSWER: True.
Q: Sigmund Freud once said that there are just two basic instincts. One, of course, is sex. What's the other? PAUL LYNDE: Getting some. ANSWER: Anger.
Q: True or false: Disney Productions has made a sex-education cartoon. PAUL LYNDE: And guess what happens when Pinnochio tells a lie! ANSWER: True - it's a 16-minute short on venereal disease.
Q: Are most sex crimes reported? CHARLEY WEAVER: It depends on what you call a sex crime. Out at the home, using someone else's slippers is considered a sex crime! ANSWER: No. The overwhelming majority go unreported.
Q: According to sex expert Dr. David Reuben, both men and women often confuse sex with one thing other than love. What do they confuse it with? PAUL LYNDE: Stardom. ANSWER: Power.
Q: What was the main source of sex education for the people who are now adults: their parents, other children, or school? NANETTE FABRAY: In my case, it was very thin walls. ANSWER: Other children, according to a Good Housekeeping poll.
Q: According to "sexperts" Masters and Johnson, what is "the greatest form of sex education"? PAUL LYNDE: On-the-job training. ANSWER: Learning from one's parents. Particularly by observing a wholesome give-and-take relationship in the home.
Q: According to Ladies' Home Journal, if a mature man is having an affair, is he likely to talk about it? ROSE MARIE: Yes, and if he won't, I've got my own publicity man. ANSWER: Yes. To reassure himself of his masculinity.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Herald Examiner, does famed anthropologist Dr. Margaret Mead think that having an affair with a fellow office-worker is a good idea? PAUL LYNDE: Yes. But unfortunately her fellow office workers don't. ANSWER: No. It's a no-no.
Q: According to Reader's Digest, do "peeping devices" in the door of a girl's home help make it safer? JIM BROLIN: It certainly makes them a lot more interesting. ANSWER: Yes. Definitely.
Q: According to Look magazine, what is the best thing to do if you are confronted by a mugger? ROSE MARIE: Find out if he's single. ANSWER: Give him your money, or as they put it, "Give up, shut up and pay up."
Q: According to Dr. David Reuben, what is the worst place in the house for a couple to discuss sexual problems? PAUL LYNDE: The oven. ANSWER: The bedroom.
Q: If you get an obscene phone call, should you attempt to reason with the caller? ROSE MARIE: Only if he threatens to hang up! ANSWER: No. You should simply hang up.
Q: You're wearing high-heeled shoes when an attacker starts coming after you. Should you run in those shoes or take them off first and then run? ROSE MARIE: Last time it happened, I took my shoes off. It worked. All he wanted was my shoes. ANSWER: Take them off so you can use them as weapons if necessary.
Q: We all know that many colleges now offer courses in sex education. Are they popular? PAUL LYNDE: If they give ya' homework! ANSWER: Yes, they are.
Q: According to Parade magazine, what night of the week is a woman most likely to be molested? ROSE MARIE: Well, with my luck it's tonight and I'm working! ANSWER: Saturday night - 8 p.m. to 2 a.m.
Q: Researchers have found that one of the most effective methods of scaring off prowlers is something that most any woman can do. What? PAUL LYNDE: Have a baby. ANSWER: Scream.
Q: According to the magazine Sexual Behavior, if a man attacks you, you should forget your femininity for a moment and give him a good karate chop. Where? ROSE MARIE: At my place. ANSWER: In the Adam's Apple - the throat.
Q: If you get sex advertisements in the mail, Ann Landers advises you to write two words and the word "please" on them and drop them in a mailbox. What two words should you write? CHARLEY WEAVER: "Send more." ANSWER: Postal inspector.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Police Department, what is the best thing for a woman to do when she is walking alone, and finds that she's being followed by a man in a car? ROSE MARIE: Hope it's a small foreign car and head straight for the bedroom. ANSWER: Turn and go in the opposite direction. Then he will be forced to turn around to follow you. You do it again, etc.
Q: If a woman is walking alone, carrying something of value in her purse, and she sees two or more people approaching in a suspicious manner, what should she do with her purse? CHARLEY WEAVER: Kiss it good-bye. ANSWER: Drop it in the nearest mailbox. It can be claimed from the Post Office by describing its contents.
Q: According to police authorities, if you should ever be unfortunate enough to come face-to-face with a burglar, you should simply say to him, "I'll..." what? PAUL LYNDE: (wink) "I'll let you tie me up." ANSWER: "I'll give you whatever you want."
Q: According to New Woman magazine, if you are attacked by a mugger on the street, should you scream? ROSE MARIE: No, he might change his mind! ANSWER: Yes, as loud as you can.
Q: In a recent column, Billy Graham said he would like to urge young people to reserve sex for the only place it belongs. Where is that? PAUL LYNDE: The state prison. ANSWER: In marriage.
Q: According to police... ROSE MARIE: Police? Q: Yes, police, if you are being molested, other than yelling "Help," what is the best thing to scream? ROSE MARIE : (Applauding) "More! More!" ANSWER: "Fire." This gets more attention than just "help."

Chapter 11


Q: In a recent survey in Sweden, young men and women 
were asked if they thought marriage should come before 
sex. What did the majority say?
PAUL LYNDE: Help me with my blouse.
ANSWER: 9 out of 10 said yes.
Q: According to Coronet Magazine, there can be no meaningful marriage without it. Without what? ROSE MARIE: A husband! ANSWER: Love.
Q: The custom of putting a wedding ring on the third finger of the left hand originated because it was believed that a "vein of love" ran directly from that finger to something else. What? DEMOND WILSON: A Holiday Inn. ANSWER: The heart, of course.
Q: According to a recent Gallup Poll, do most American students favor sex before marriage? CHARLEY WEAVER: Most students favor it instead of marriage. ANSWER: Yes, by 2 to 1.
Q: Do airline stewardesses generally make good wives? PAUL LYNDE: They make good wives furious! ANSWER: Yes.
Q: According to a recent survey of high-school girls, what quality did they rate most important in their future hubbies? MARTY ALLEN: Endurance. ANSWER: Honesty.
Q: According to Abagail Van Buren, if a girl happens to be a loud snorer, should she inform her fiancee of this before the wedding? CHARLEY WEAVER: No. With today's generation he'll already know! ANSWER: Yes. There are enough surprises in marriage without adding this one.
Q: Queen Victoria built the famous Albert Hall in London as a memorial to her husband. She built it in the shape of something you would normally find at a wedding. What is it? PAUL LYNDE: Lana Turner. ANSWER: A wedding cake.
Q: According to tradition, you can always tell a wedding ceremony is about to begin when somebody walks in and sits down. Who? CHARLEY WEAVER: The obstetrician. ANSWER: The mother of the bride. It's the signal to start.
Q: The ushers at a wedding are supposed to ask a particular question of every female guest as she arrives. What's the question? PAUL LYNDE: "Do you mess around?" ANSWER: "Are you a friend of the bride or the groom?"
Q: According to tradition, a bride should wear something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue. According to the poem, what should she tuck in her shoe? STU GILLIAM: The Pill. ANSWER: A lucky six-pence.
Q: What do you call a marriage not performed by a clergyman? CHARLEY WEAVER: A weekend. ANSWER: A civil marriage.
Q: According to Bride's Magazine, the groom should put it in a sealed envelope and give it to the best man who will then give it to the minister. What's in the envelope? PAUL LYNDE: The Oscar winner for best scoring. ANSWER: The minister's fee.
Q: According to Dear Abby, is there a law that can force a man to marry a woman? ROSE MARIE: Yes - it's called the father-in-law. ANSWER: No.
Q: Can you get married in Las Vegas all night? PAUL LYNDE: Yes...or by the hour. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: According to nationwide surveys, at what age do American men think it is best to get married? CHARLEY WEAVER: I'd say 36D. Excuse me, I overanswered. ANSWER: 24.
Q: We throw rice. What did the early Romans throw at weddings? PAUL LYNDE: Orgies. ANSWER: Wheat.
Q: In East Africa, if you want to marry a girl you must first give her parents 30 to 50 of these. What are they? ARTE JOHNSON: Grandchildren. ANSWER: Cows.
Q: According to Silver Screen Magazine, Robert Young recently stated that his wife was the first girl that he ever...that he ever what? PAUL LYNDE: Operated on. ANSWER: Kissed.
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's real attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's married? ROSE MARIE: No, wait till morning. ANSWER: No. Try to find out in a more subtle way.
Q: Within two, how many wives did Brigham Young have? PAUL LYNDE: All of them. ANSWER: 27.
Q: According to Bride's Magazine, if a woman is saying "I do" for the second time, should she wear a veil? CHARLEY WEAVER: What's the difference? If it's the second time, we know she does! ANSWER: No. Veils are for first timers.
Q: According to Dr. David Reuben, is a year of marriage long enough for the average couple to find out if their sex life will be happy? PAUL LYNDE: Yes - then they should get back together. ANSWER: No. For most couples it takes longer than that.
Q: According to surveys, do most newlyweds want to have a son or a daughter first? JAN MURRAY: First they want to get a room. ANSWER: A son.
Q: Can you get married in prison? PAUL LYNDE: If you're young and pretty. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, is cheating in marriage equally divided between husbands and wives? CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes. I always took Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and she got Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: By law in France and Denmark, when a woman marries, she is permitted to keep something she had when she was single. What? SOUPY SALES: Her little boy. ANSWER: Her maiden name.
Q: According to a recent study in the American Journal of Sociology, the more a woman has of something, the less likely she is to want to get married. What is it? PAUL LYNDE: Male horomones. ANSWER: Money.
Q: True or false: In surveys of college students, one out of three say marriage is obsolete. CHARLEY WEAVER: True. And that one should move out and leave the other two alone. ANSWER: True.
Q: According to the time-honored tradition...and Amy the new groom's stag party, he should lead all the other fellows in a toast to the new bride. Then what should everyone do? PAUL LYNDE: Watch the movie! ANSWER: Break the stems of the glasses.
Q: According to a recent survey, there are two decisions which newlyweds consider most important. One is whether the bride should continue working. What is the other? JAN MURRAY: Should they leave a wake-up call. ANSWER: How many children they should have.
Q: According to Gentleman's Quarterly, is it wise to let a travel agent help with your honeymoon plans? PAUL LYNDE: No. Three's a crowd. ANSWER: Yes. It can save you time and money.
Q: Statistically, who watches more television, a retired couple in their sixties or a newlywed couple in their twenties? JAN MURRAY: I'd say a newlywed couple in their sixties. ANSWER: The couple in their twenties.
Q: According to Glamour, who generally handles the in-laws better, the hubby or the wife? CHARLEY WEAVER: My wife once caught me handling my sister-in-law and it took me a long time to get better. ANSWER: The hubby.
Q: True or false: Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5 million worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone. PAUL LYNDE: (wink) And it didn't cure her headache. ANSWER: True.
Q: Who generally has a better sense of taste, your wife or your bird? CHARLEY WEAVER: My bird - he refuses to go near my wife. ANSWER: Your wife. Birds have almost no sense of taste.
Q: You, your wife, and a lone woman are all at a restaurant. Whom should you seat first? CHARLEY WEAVER: My wife, because she's all out of breath from tracking us down. ANSWER: The guest.
Q: Princess Grace of Monaco recently admitted, "I refer to my husband as my 'leader,' and he refers to me as his..." What? PAUL LYNDE: His trick. ANSWER: Government.
Q: According to Dear Abby, is it considered in good taste for a couple to frame their marriage certificate and hang it on the wall? CHARLEY WEAVER: No. They might forget it when they check out. ANSWER: Yes. It's perfectly proper.
Q: According to Woman's Day Magazine, some men are better sex partners when they reach middle age because they have lost something. What? PAUL LYNDE: Their wives. ANSWER: Their inhibitions.
Q: According to Emily Post, when a couple arrives at a motel, should the man go in and register alone, or should his wife accompany him? JAN MURRAY: Seems silly to go home and get her. ANSWER: No. A woman need not appear in the lobby to register.
Q: True or false: According to the law, if a woman is elected President, her husband has to be called the First Man. JOAN RIVERS: Only if he really was. ANSWER: False. There's no such law.
Q: According to Cary Grant, people should get married in their early teens for one reason. Why? PAUL LYNDE: He likes 'em young. ANSWER: To have children.
Q: You've just married a woman who is 6 inches taller than you. According to the Ladies' Home Journal, does this reduce your chances for a happy marriage? CHARLEY WEAVER: No. But it reduces her chances. ANSWER: No. Height plays no important part.
Q: According to research, is the average runaway wife apt to be 20, 30 or 40? MARTY ALLEN: If those are her measurements, let her go! ANSWER: 40.
Q: At the famous Masters and Johnson Sex Research Institute, the most-often asked question comes from wives, wanting to know one thing about their husbands. What do they ask? PAUL LYNDE: "Where is he?" ANSWER: Why he's lost interest in her.
Q: According to marriage counselors, there are 2 words that every man and woman must learn to use if they want their marriage to work. What words are they? JAN MURRAY: Disrobe. PETER: That's one word. JAN: Well, then I have another word left over for New Year's Eve! ANSWER: "I'm sorry."
Q: According to Dr. Joyce Brothers, women today are expected to marry men who have it over them in three ways. He should be better educated, older, and one other thing. What? ROSE MARIE: Single. ANSWER: Taller.
Q: If a husband has 2 wives at the same time, it's called bigamy. What is it called when a woman has 2 husbands at the same time? PAUL LYNDE: Stereo. ANSWER: Bigamy.
Q: What is the marital status of most adults in America? CHARLEY WEAVER: Bored stiff. ANSWER: Most adults are married.
Q: A recent study has shown that the average woman in Japan spends more than 5 hours each day doing something, yet her husband spends only about an hour and a half doing the same thing. Doing what? PAUL LYNDE: Makin' love. ANSWER: Watching T.V.
Q: Do psychiatrists consider it abnormal for a bride to cry a lot during the first few weeks of her marriage? PAUL LYNDE: Why don't psychiatrists mind their own business? ANSWER: No. It's very normal.
Q: According to Dear Abby, is it a wife's duty to wake her husband up in the morning? CHARLEY WEAVER: If she knows where he's staying. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: Julie Nixon Eisenhower recently said that the only time she cried since she's been married is when David beat her. At what? PAUL LYNDE: At home. ANSWER: Golf.
Q: True or false: According to statistics, married people make better drivers than single people. MARTY ALLEN: True. Because married people are in the front seat. ANSWER: True.
Q: According to Dear Abby, what should you do if you suspect, but cannot prove, that your husband is trying to kill you? CHARLEY WEAVER: Buy a bulletproof nightie. ANSWER: Get a divorce. If your marriage is that bad, there's no hope.
Q: Is there anything a wife can legally do if her husband refuses to repay money that she lent him? PAUL LYNDE: Cut off his...privileges. ANSWER: Yes. She can take him to court to collect.
Q: Can children wreck a happy marriage? CHARLEY WEAVER: No. But they can foul up a casual acquaintance. ANSWER: Yes. What is good for the children is not always good for the marriage.
Q: According to Dr. Joyce Brothers, "It has replaced sex as the greatest emotional and marital distubance." What is it? PAUL LYNDE: A good punch in the mouth. ANSWER: Money problems.
Q: Is Mickey Rooney married right now? JAN MURRAY: What time is it? ANSWER: Yes.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Citizens News, sex is one of the two major causes of divorce. What is the other? JIM BROLIN: No sex. ANSWER: Money.
Q: According to Alfred Hitchcock, after a few years of marriage, what everyday thing often takes the place of sex? PAUL LYNDE: Your wife. ANSWER: Food.
Q: According to Tennessee law, a man cannot divorce his wife unless he leaves her 10 pounds of dried beans, 5 pounds of dried apples, and a year's supply of...what? PAUL LYNDE: Field hands. ANSWER: Stockings.
Q: According to the popular new book on divorce called Starting Over, there's a big surprise waiting for the person who suddenly finds himself single again. What is it? CHARLEY WEAVER: Rose Marie. ANSWER: Loneliness. It's really hard to prepare yourself for being alone today.
Q: According to Coronet Magazine, it "really bugged" Frank Sinatra when Mia Farrow refused to take something from him. What did she refuse to take? PAUL LYNDE: Frank Junior. ANSWER: Alimony.
Q: True or false: Under old Roman law, a man could divorce his wife merely by telling her he was doing so in the presence of 7 witnesses. CHARLEY WEAVER: Or if she was doing it in the presence of 7 witnesses. ANSWER: True.
Q: According to Rona Barrett's Hollywood, Jane Brolin says that her husband Jim always wanted to do it, but she doesn't know if he'll every try it in front of an audience. Try what? PAUL LYNDE: Cheating. ANSWER: Singing.
Q: According to court records, when a couple that only has one car gets a divorce, who usually gets the car? JOAN RIVERS: The woman usually gets the car and the man usually gets the shaft...and rightfully so!!! ANSWER: The wife.
Q: According to Dear Abby, if a wife catches her husband fooling around, should she give him another chance? PAUL LYNDE: Sure. Practice makes perfect. ANSWER: Yes. Be nice, says Abby.
Q: Who has the most trouble getting to sleep, bachelors, married men, or divorced men? ROSE MARIE: ...I'm trying to remember... ANSWER: Divorced men.
Q: According to the mail Dear Abby receives, what is the number one cause of friction beween married couples? PAUL LYNDE: Burlap sheets? ANSWER: Jealousy. Money is number two, and cards are number three.
Q: Traditionally, an Arab husband can divorce his wife by saying something three times. What? JAN MURRAY: I love my camel. ANSWER: "I divorce you" or "I divorce thee."
Q: If your marriage counselor looks uncomfortable when you're discussing your problems with him, what should you do? PAUL LYNDE: Get dressed and leave. ANSWER: Find someone else.
Q: True or false: Medical studies show that the longer a man and a woman are married to each other, the more their bodies ten to act like each others'. CHARLEY WEAVER: I know Mr. Ferguson nursed their last child. ANSWER: True.
Q: True or false: An approprite gift for your first wedding anniversary is something made out of plastic. PAUL LYNDE: Either that or the pill. ANSWER: True. Plastic or paper.
Q: According to Amy Vanderbilt... ROSE MARIE: Oh, Amy... PETER: ...There are two gifts that are most appropriate for a sixtieth, 60, 6-0... ROSE MARIE: I heard you, Peter, I heard you! 60!... PETER: ...a 60th wedding anniversary. One is diamonds. What's the other? ROSE MARIE: Batteries!!! ANSWER: Something made of gold.
Q: Ari Onassis once promised Jackie, "I will tell you everything I know, except for one thing. I will never tell you..." What? PAUL LYNDE: My height. ANSWER: "Bad news."

Chapter 12

Facts And Figures

Q: Has sex been around for more than a billion years?
CHARLEY WEAVER: As far as I know it went into hiding
about 30 years ago.
Q: True or false: Roses will last longer if you put a little sugar in their water. ROSE MARIE: I don't know, but if you freshen my drink I can last all night. ANSWER: True.
Q: True or false: By law, women in the military cannot bear arms, are not trained to handle weapons, and may not serve in combat situations. PAUL LYNDE: There's only one thing left! ANSWER: True (At least, at the time this book was published.)
Q: Is there a weight limit for bags on airline flights in this country? CHARLEY WEAVER: If she can fit under the seat, she can fly. ANSWER: No, just a limit on the number of pieces.
Q: There is a force that pulls a body outward when it is moving in a circle. What do we call it? PAUL LYNDE: A living bra. ANSWER: Centrifugal force.
Q: According to the World Book, what will a new Marine in boot camp hear every night at 10 p.m.? GEORGE GOBEL: "Do you find me attractive?" ANSWER: Taps.
Q: Einstein's theories hold that nothing in the universe can ever move faster than one particulat thing. What? PAUL LYNDE: A Mexican food taster. ANSWER: The speed of light.
Q: True or false: According to a study in the magazine Psychology Today, put a group of strangers in a dark room for 90 minutes and eventually they will start feeling affectionate towards each other. MARTY ALLEN: What took so long? ANSWER: True.
Q: In 1944, President Roosevelt signed the Serviceman's Readjustment Act, which became better known by what other name? JOAN RIVERS: The June Taylor Dancers. ANSWER: The G.I. Bill of Rights.
Q: True or false: About 25 percent of all fatal fires in the home start in the bedroom. CHARLEY WEAVER: Out to the home, that's the only thing that starts in the bedroom. ANSWER: True. From smoking in bed.
Q: You're lying on the bed in a supine position. Can you see the ceiling? PAUL LYNDE: Am I alone? ANSWER: Yes. Supine means you're lying on your back.
Q: According to the laws of science, if something isn't a gas or a solid what is it? CHARLEY WEAVER: Out at the home, it's a false alarm! ANSWER: A liquid.
Q: Before you go to bed at night, you clamp a new invention on the back of your head that gouges you with 60 tiny plastic spikes if you roll over on your back. What is the new invention supposed to prevent? ROSE MARIE: Babies. ANSWER: Snoring. You're more apt to snore while you're sleeping on your back.
Q: How long, at the outside, should it take you to make a bed? ARTE JOHNSON: I don't bed's inside. ANSWER: 5 minutes. Any longer and you're probably doing it wrong.
Q: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom orr in the closet? ROSE MARIE: Peter, unfortunately, I'm always safe in the bedroom. ANSWER: The closet. The small room will probably give you more protection.
Q: True or false: Spanking is legal in Los Angeles schools. PAUL LYNDE: Yes, but only between consenting adults. ANSWER: True. It's a new rule.
Q: Do scientists have a special word for something that lasts only one-billionth of a second? CHARLEY WEAVER: Out at the home, it's called hanky-panky. ANSWER: Yes. It's called a nano-second.
Q: True or false: There is an unmistakable shortage of fertilizer in America this year. VINCENT PRICE: Not according to TV Guide. ANSWER: True.
Q: According to the Internal Revenue Service, is it ever possible for you to claim your great-grandmother as a tax exemption? PAUL LYNDE: Yes, but hurry! ANSWER: Yes, if you provide more than half of her total support.
Q: True or false: The majority of Americans have never spent even one night in a hotel. CHARLEY WEAVER: Most of us have spent a few hours, though. ANSWER: True.
Q: Within two inches, how tall is Aristotle Onassis? ROSE MARIE: Standing on his wallet? ANSWER: 5' 1".
Q: In an average year, California has 200 of them. 200 what? PAUL LYNDE: Successful marriages. ANSWER: Earthquakes.
Q: Two people named Gregg and Pitman have helped secretaries the world over keep their bosses happy. What did Gregg and Pitman do? SALLY STRUTHERS: They invented the Hide-a-Bed. ANSWER: They developed shorthand.
Q: Is it illegal to use a false name when you check into a hotel? CHARLEY WEAVER: If it is, I'm wanted in 27 states. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: You are sinking in quicksand. According to the World Book, what is the first thing you should do? PAUL LYNDE: Disrobe and hope you'll attract a crowd. ANSWER: Lie down flat with your arms outstretched. You will float, according to the World Book.
Q: True or false: You've spent about a third of your life in bed. ROSE MARIE: Then it better work out to be the last third. ANSWER: True.
Q: True or false: It's against the law in New York to sell alligator shoes. ROSE MARIE: You can't sell them drinks, either... ANSWER: True. Anything made from an endangered species of animal is illegal to sell.
Q: True or false: No girl with more than a 37-inch bust has ever won the Miss America Pageant. CHARLEY WEAVER: True, but one came in second... and third. ANSWER: True.
Q: Scientists describe it this way: "The excitation of surface nerves due to light stimulation, causing reactions of uneasiness or spasmodic movement." What do we call it? PAUL LYNDE: Levi's. ANSWER: Tickling.
Q: How often do you celebrate a sexennial? CHARLEY WEAVER: Not too often, anymore. ANSWER: Every six years.

Chapter 13

Man's Best Friends

Q: Can a Chihuahua have a nervous breakdown?
PAUL LYNDE: If he's in love with a Great Dane.
ANSWER: Yes. According to experts, dogs can
suffer from the same emotional problems as people.
Q: Your dog has been having some trouble finding the newspaper you spread out for him. Is it possible he needs glasses? CHARLEY WEAVER: If he misses the newspaper, he'd never hit a glass. ANSWER: Yes. A dog's eyesight has been known to improve with glasses.
Q: According to Dr. Peter Steincrohn, is it a bad idea to kiss your dog on the mouth? PAUL LYNDE: It seems only natural after petting. ANSWER: Yes. there's always a chance of picking up some infection.
Q: Does a dog have a need for privacy? MEL BROOKS: Yes, but they'll settle for a tree. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: What do we call a cat with blue eyes, a small head, cream-colored body, and chocolate face, legs and tail? PAUL LYNDE: A tap dancer. ANSWER: A Siamese.
Q: If you see your pet dog chewing on the grass in your back yard, is that a sign that he's not feeling well? CHARLEY WEAVER: No, but if you catch him smoking the grass... ANSWER: No. Dogs eat grass to prevent not feeling well.
Q: True or false: There is a dating service in Los Angeles designed exclusively for dogs. ROSE MARIE: That explains my last date! ANSWER: True.
Q: When your pet male fish starts blowing bubbles in his aquarium, what does it mean? CHARLEY WEAVER: No more Mexican fish food. ANSWER: He is ready for breeding.
Q: When a dog is happy that you've just arrived home, he'll wag his tail. What will a goose do? PAUL LYNDE: Make him bark. ANSWER: Stretch.
Q: Dalmatians have been known as fire dogs for a long time. Did Dalmatians ever really help put out a fire? CHARLEY WEAVER: Maybe a small brush fire. ANSWER: No, they just went along as mascots.

Chapter 14

Name Dropping

Q: Eddie Fisher recently told an interviewer, "What
I want to do now is..." What does he want to do now?
PAUL LYNDE: Give Liz one more chance.
ANSWER: Write a book.
Q: What famous star recently said, "I'm the only star in TV with a complete male and female wardrobe"? JIM BROLIN: Do you want them in alphabetical order? ANSWER: Flip Wilson. referring to Geraldine, of course.
Q: Something belonging to Frank Sinatra recently caught fire. Fortunately, none of the 6 people inside it were injured. What was it that caught fire? PAUL LYNDE: His sleeping bag. ANSWER: His yacht.
Q: True or false: According to Hollywood columnist Doris Lilly, Sophia Loren will only allow one side of her face to be photographed. MEL BROOKS: The inside, but you need a very small camera. ANSWER: True.
Q: There is one word that has been closely associated with Lawrence Welk for a long time and in a recent "Candid Viewer" interview, he said it 9 times. What word is it? PAUL LYNDE: Laxative. ANSWER: "Wunnerful."
Q: Actress Jill St. John recently said that Henry Kissinger has the most fabulous one she's ever encountered. What was she referring to? MARTY ALLEN: She didn't say. ANSWER: His mind.
Q: According to Jimmy Stewart, he used to date Olivia de Havilland, but he had to stop going out with her because he couldn't introduce her to people. Why not? PAUL LYNDE: His wife had no sense of humor. ANSWER: He couldn't pronounce her name.
Q: According to Burt Reynolds, women reach their best after what? ROSE MARIE: Three martinis. ANSWER: 35.
Q: Liz Taylor refers to it as "the fat one." What is it? PAUL LYNDE: They both look the same to me! ANSWER: The 69-carat diamond.
Q: True or false: Mae West will soon appear in the centerfold of Playboy Magazine. JAN MURRAY: False. Playboy Magazine will soon appear in the centerfold of Mae West. ANSWER: False.
Q: According to Jackie Onassis' former masseuse, does Aristotle spoil her? PAUL LYNDE: Only when Jackie's away. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: What does Britain's Princess Anne say is the great love of her life? VINCENT PRICE: Sal Mineo. ANSWER: Riding.
Q: Pat Nixon recently stated, "He's so much fun." Who was she referring to? PAUL LYNDE: That's what Dick would like to know. ANSWER: Her hubby, Richard.
Q: According to colu7mnist Dorothy Manners, "Zsa Zsa and Eva Gabor have probably not made one in their entire lives." Made what? ROSE MARIE: About the only thing I can think of would be a Viking. ANSWER: A bed.
Q: Cary Grant admitted recently that rather than be hounded by women seeking autographs, he sometimes gives them a...A what? PAUL LYNDE: A peek. ANSWER: Kiss.
Q: According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drink. What is it? JIM BROLIN: Otto Preminger. ANSWER: Wealth, or money. It spoils them.
Q: Advice columnist Ann Landers says that when she hears those "four-letter words" in mixed company, they make her feel a certain way. What way is that? PAUL LYNDE: All tingly. ANSWER: Uncomfortable.
Q: True or false: A rumored romance is being reported between Mama Cass Elliot and Don Knotts. LILY TOMLIN: True. She left him flat and he can't get over her. ANSWER: False.
Q: John Wayne recently stated, "I try to do my best for my country, but I consider myself really an expert only when it comes to..." What? PAUL LYNDE: Maureen O'Hara. ANSWER: Entertainment.
Q: Candice Bergen recently stated, "It's tough for me not to like a man who is..." Who is what? ROSE MARIE: Available. ANSWER: Intelligent.
Q: When David Janssen was introduced to President Nixon recently, the President said to him, "I loved you in the..." In the what? PAUL LYNDE: ...the silly dream I had. ANSWER: In "The Fugitive."
Q: According to the Detroit Sunday News, Redd Foxx keeps something in his living room that reminds him of Christmas. What is it? JOAN RIVERS: A girl named Mary. ANSWER: A Christmas tree.
Q: According to Hugh Hefner, at what time does he usually go to bed? PAUL LYNDE: At 6 P.M., and 8 P.M., and 11 P.M. ANSWER:About 9 A.M. He stays up all night.
Q: Lana Turner recently announced that she's going to franchise a chain of them. Of what? VINCENT PRICE: Wedding chapels. ANSWER:Health spas.
Q: According to Suzanne Pleshette, first she considers herself a wife. What does she consider herself second? PAUL LYNDE: Unfaithful. ANSWER: A daughter.
Q: The Rev. Billy Graham was once offered something by Cecil B. DeMille, but he turned it down. Most people would have jumped at it. What was it? PAUL LYNDE: Paulette Goddard. ANSWER: A role in one of his spectaculars.
Q: Is Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. a knight? JIM BROLIN: He's hardly an evening anymore. ANSWER: No.
Q: Aristotle Onassis recently told a gossip columnist that "anyone circulating this story will be sued by Mrs. Onassis and myself for publishing false and malicious rumors." What story was it? PAUL LYNDE: I can't tell you. They'll sue me. ANSWER: That they're getting a divorce.
Q: Pearl bailey recently spoke to the President for 40 minutes, then he reminded her that the last time she visited him, she took home something odd as a souvenir. What was it? STU GILLIAM: The Ambassador from Liberia. ANSWER: A chair.
Q: According to Robert Redford, man's greatest weakness can be summed up in one word. What word? PAUL LYNDE: Hernia. ANSWER: "Woman."
Q: Lawrence Welk says that as a young boy he once went trapping for wild animals, and when he sold the skins and got fifteen dollars, he went out and bought his first one. His first what? JAN MURRAY: Lennon Sister. ANSWER: Accordian.
Q: Jack Lord, of "Hawaii Five-0," recently stated, "You can't live in Hawaii very long without picking up a lot of..." What? PAUL LYNDE: Sailors. ANSWER: The Hawaiian language.
Q: According to Anthony Quinn, "If I don't blank during a day, I can't eat or make love." What does Quinn have to do during a day in order to eat or make love? PAUL LYNDE: Beg. ANSWER: Work.

Chapter 15

Dressed Or Undressed.

Q: In a recent survey, people were asked if they
would take off all their clothes in public for 
$1 million, what did the majority say?
CHARLEY WEAVER: You're standing on my shorts.
ANSWER: The vast majority said no.
Q: In mythology, somebody famous slew the Queen of the Amazons and took her girdle. Who was it. PAUL LYNDE: The Earl of Fetish. ANSWER: Hercules. It was one of his twelve labors.
Q: A woman you know tell you that her bra size seems to change a little about every 6 months. Is that pretty unusual? CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, out at the home, it's not unusual. It's not even pretty! ANSWER: No, it's quite common.
Q: According to Dr. David Reuben, can a woman with a 29AAA bra size somehow manage to nurse a baby? PAUL LYNDE: Yes, but stand by with a sandwich. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Herald, if a woman's girdle is too tight, what may she develop? JOAN RIVERS: A very large bosom. ANSWER: Varicose veins.
Q: Is there any such thing as an F cup, in bra sizes? PAUL LYNDE: Yes, it sleeps four. ANSWER:Yes.
Q: Why do medical experts say that women should not wear a girdle when going outdoors in very cold weather? CHARLEY WEAVER: Because it's not as warm as a coat. ANSWER: It impedes circulation.
Q: True or false: many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas. PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos. ANSWER: True.
Q: According to Good Housekeeping, how many years is the life expentancy of your negligee? ROSE MARIE: If you're talking about wear and tear, mine will last forever. ANSWER: Two years.
Q: According to Gentleman's Quarterly, what is the number-one threat to masculine vanity? PAUL LYNDE: See-through slacks. ANSWER: Baldness.
Q: A nationwide survey of personnel directors was recently taken, and they were asked if they would hire a girl who showed up for an interview in a see-through blouse. What did most of them say? PAUL LYNDE: Bring her in! ANSWER: 97 percent said no.
Q: A recent study has shown that you will always get much faster service in a department store if you do one thing to attract the clerk's attention. What should you do? MARTY ALLEN: Disrobe. ANSWER: Smile. Clerks will stay away from those who are scowling.
Q: Are there any nudist camps in Italy? PAUL LYNDE: No. The flies would eat ya' alive. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: Are most people who go to nudist camps married? CHARLEY WEAVER: No. But I've seen several of them engaged. ANSWER: Yes, and most have children.
Q: It is considered bad taste at nudist camps to discuss two subjects. One is politics. What is the other? PAUL LYNDE: Tape measures. ANSWER: Religion.
Q: True or false: Whistler's famous mother once blew her top when she caught her son painting the family maid in the nude. CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, he was using a hand roller. ANSWER: True.
Q: Nudist camps often advertise that they offer the "3 R's." Two of them are rest and relaxation. What is the third "R" of nudist camps? PAUL LYNDE: Oh, Reddi-Whip. ANSWER: Recreation.
Q: Are there any pockets in a Scotsman's kilts? PAUL LYNDE: Eventually. ANSWER: No.
Q: About two-thirds of the leather made in the United States today is used to make...what? PAUL LYNDE: Party favors. ANSWER: Shoes.
Q: True or false: According to Earl Wilson, Liberace has a floor-length ermine coat in his closet that was originally designed for Queen Elizabeth. RICH LITTLE: Who got the pumps? ANSWER: True.
Q: According to Sally Struthers, she wears loud clothing because of one of her physical characteristics. Which one? PAUL LYNDE: Her left one. ANSWER: Her size. She's small and feels loud clothes will make her more noticable.
Q: What do these four names bring to mind? Captain Molyneaux, Dorian, Adrian and Chanel? ROSE MARIE: One of the most wonderful weekends I've ever spent. ANSWER: Dress designing.
Q: In lots of his movies, Michael Caine wears something that very few heroes like to be seen in. What? PAUL LYNDE: A peignoir. ANSWER: Glasses.
Q: According to a recent letter in her column, does Dear Abby approve of tight pants? MARTY ALLEN: No, they make her cough. ANSWER: No. She's against them.
Q: What would you expect to find under a cowboy's chaps? PAUL LYNDE: I bet I'm disappointed. ANSWER: His pants. The chaps are leather covers.
Q: Is the Gibson Girl skirt above or below the ankles? CHARLEY WEAVER: That depends on what the Gibson Girl is doing. ANSWER: Just above.
Q: What's the first thing you should do when you remove your bathing suit? PAUL LYNDE: Tell her you love her. ANSWER: Rinse it in cold water to remove chlorine and/or salt.
Q: True or false: According to the National Tattler, fur experts say that it's a good idea, every so often, to run your hands over your favorite fur coat. CHARLEY WEAVER: And also the gentleman who bought it for you. ANSWER: False. Skin oils are bad for the fur.
Q: According to Amy Vanderbilt, is a 19-year-old too young to wear mink? PAUL LYNDE: If he's old enough to be drafted, he's old enough to wear mink. ANSWER: No.

Chapter 16


Q: True or false: Food makes you sexy and 
sex makes you hungy.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. It's a vicious circle!
Q: To the ancient Romans, it was the most prized and precious fruit of all. Which fruit is it? VINCENT PRICE: Augustus Caesar. ANSWER: The apple.
Q: According to a recent survey. three out of four Frenchmen who eat in restaurants will always ask the owner his opinion of something. Of what? PAUL LYNDE: Thier wife. ANSWER: Of the wines, which wine to try.
Q: Are watermelons popular in Italy? CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, Sophia's a big star there. ANSWER: Yes. They're a big favorite.
Q: According to the Bible, if Adam and Eve had eaten fruit from the tree of life, they would have been able to do something forever. What? PAUL LYNDE: Avoid irregularity. ANSWER: Live forever.
Q: According to Redbook, what is the best month for putting up you strawberry preserves? JIM BACKUS: Putting them up where, Peter? ANSWER: May. Strawberries are at their best.
Q: When Stanley was looking for Livingston in Africa, he said, "You only eat it if you're out of all other food." Eat what? PAUL LYNDE: A Watusi. ANSWER: Bananas.
Q: You are in a place that produces more prunes and plums than all the rest of the country combined. What state are you in? CHARLEY WEAVER: Ecstasy. ANSWER: California.
Q: According to the World Book, it is okay to freeze your persimmons? PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly. ANSWER: Yes. It's suggested it makes them taste better.
Q: According to the California Raisin Advisory Board, are the little wrinkled things abundant or is there a shortage? CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, now, out at the home we have a lot of little wrinkled things...and we also have some raisins! ANSWER: There's a shortage.
Q: Did the ancient kings of Egypt know what a pear was? PAUL LYNDE: Yeah! Cleopatra showed 'em! ANSWER: Yes. They loved pears and even painted pictures of them in their tombs.
Q: True or false: Rubbing grapefruits on your body makes you sexy. MARTY ALLEN: Whose grapefruits? ANSWER: False.
Q: If you eat a lot of prunes, will you get a fair supply of vitamins? CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes, but you'll have to order them by phone. ANSWER: Yes. Prunes are rich in vitamins and can give your blood a boost.
Q: According to the Bible, when three angels came to Abraham's tent, he offered them something that was considered a delicacy in those days. What was it? PAUL LYNDE: Naomi. ANSWER: Butter.
Q: It's the size of a grapefruit, it weighs about three pounds, and you have one. What is it? JAN MURRAY: How many does Raquel Welch have? ANSWER: Your brain.
Q: Why is it smart to drop oranges into hot water for a feww minutes before squeezing them? PAUL LYNDE: Show 'em who's boss! ANSWER: Because you'll get about twice as much juice.
Q: According to food experts, there are three things you should do to an item when shopping. First look at it. Then feel it. What do you do to it next? JAN MURRAY: Buy it a drink. ANSWER: Smell it, of course.
Q: According to Vogue, the smartest new dinner parties are being called "movable feasts." What is a moveable feast? CHARLEY WEAVER: Prune Cacciatore. ANSWER: Each course at a different home or restaurant.
Q: According to "French Chef" Julia Child, how much is a pinch? PAUL LYNDE: Just enough to turn 'er on. ANSWER: A half teaspoon.
Q: True or false" When opening a bottle of champagne, you should try to uncork it with the minimum pop possible. CHARLEY WEAVER: Only if her husband's asleep. ANSWER: True. Otherwise you can waste wine and bubbles.
Q: Can you get cheese from a water buffalo? PAUL LYNDE: Only at gunpoint. ANSWER: Yes, you can.
Q: Every night your wife covers her face with yogurt. Is that beneficial? CHARLEY WEAVER: It helps, but I can still tell it's her. ANSWER: Yes. A yogurt facial mask is good for the skin, according to Women's Wear Daily.
Q: What's the correct word for a place where only butter and cheese are made? PAUL LYNDE: A convent. ANSWER: A creamery.
Q: In order to make Chicken Tetrazzini properly, you have to remove something from the chicken first. What? PAUL LYNDE: The rooster. ANSWER: The bones.
Q: After baking a chicken, is it okay to leave it in a cool oven overnight? MEL BROOKS: This is an excellent way to housebrak a chicken. ANSWER: No. It's a bad idea for health reasons.
Q: In preparing Chicken a la King or Chicken Kiev, what is the first thing you should do to the chicken? PAUL LYNDE: Tip-toe up behind it with a hammer. ANSWER: Remove the bones.
Q: In terms of calories, does it make much of a difference if you remove the chicken's skin before cooking it? JIM BROLIN: It does to the chicken! ANSWER: Yes, about 65 calories in an average serving.
Q: Is it okay to stuff a goose with prunes? PAUL LYNDE: Yes, but don't let it fly. ANSWER: Yes. Prines are a common stuffing for goose.
Q: According to an article in Cosmopolitan Magazine, is hot chicken soup an aphrodisiac? MARTY ALLEN: Not if you spill it on your pajamas. ANSWER: Yes.
Q: You're at the supermarket, checking out the clams. You tap the shell of one clam and it closes tightly. What does this mean? PAUL LYNDE: She's not in the mood. ANSWER: It's fresh and good to buy.
Q: What did it mean in the 16th century when a woman slept with a milk-soaked veal cutlet on each cheek? MARTY ALLEN: Same as it does today, Pete...she's bananas! ANSWER: She was trying to improve her complexion. It was a facial treatment.
Q: During the Middle Ages and for hundreds of years after, what was the main food of the German peasant? PAUL LYNDE: The Hungarian peasant. ANSWER: Bacon.
Q: There's only one authentic way to make beef jerky. How? PAUL LYNDE: Hide his lady friend. ANSWER: Dry it in the sun.
Q: True or false: In the early 1900s, the United States Senate passed a resolution which required the Senate dining room to serve bean souip every day. CHARLEY WEAVER: And we've never heard the end of it! ANSWER: True.
Q: According to Family Circle, to be safe, the best place to keep it is in a plastic bag in the bottom of an empty cereal box and then cover it over with cereal. What is it? PAUL LYNDE: Your first-born. ANSWER: Jewelry.
Q: Take strong black coffee with a dash of sugar. Lace it with whiskey and top with whipped cream What's that? CHARLEY WEAVER : Breakfast. Next question. ANSWER: Irish coffee.
Q: According to Women'd Wear Daily, cooking expert julia Child does something to every reporter who interviews her. What does she do? PAUL LYNDE: You mean during the 20 minutes while the pot roast is cooling? ANSWER: She feeds them her own cooking.
Q: According to Sophia Loren, is she very good in the kitchen? JIM BROLIN: Yes - and also in the hall. ANSWER: Yes. She's an excellent cook and has written a cookbook.
Q: In Mexico, it's very easy to get something called "sangrita." What do you do with it once you get it? CHARLEY WEAVER: Nothing - it goes away in five days. ANSWER: Drink it. It's a popular wine drink.
Q: According to the New York Times, the increase in pollution is causing more and more Americans to drink something. What? PAUL LYNDE: Anything! ANSWER: Bottled water.

Chapter 17

Who, What and Where

Q: In England, they're often referred to as "solicitors."
What are they called here?
ANSWER: Lawyers.
Q: According to Coronet Magazine, what one room in your house is the center of environmental pollution and waste? CHARLEY WEAVER: My bedroom. ANSWER: The kitchen.
Q: You're looking for a souvenir in Holland, and a man offers you his "klompen." What does that mean? JOAN RIVERS: I don't know about Holland, but in this country it's 1-10 (years)! ANSWER: His shoes, the famous wooden shoes of Holland.
Q: According to the column "Hints from Heloise," what is the most common cause of holes in your bed sheets? PAUL LYNDE: French heels. ANSWER: Bleach - using it improperly or excessively.
Q: If your "stem hubs" are too thin, you have "broken jewels," and your "crown head" is stripped, where would you go to get them fixed? CHARLEY WEAVER: A private hospital in Denmark. ANSWER: A watch repairman.
Q: One of the most famous paintings by the French artist Renoir is called "Two Girls at..." At what? VINCENT PRICE: At once. ANSWER: The piano. "Two Girls at the Piano."
Q: They are happy, co-operative and industrious and their slogan is "give service." Who are they? PAUL LYNDE: The Rockettes. ANSWER: The Camp Fire Girls.
Q: Now England calls her "The Queen Mother." What was she called back in 1938? CHARLEY WEAVER: The Queen Pregnant. ANSWER: Queen Elizabeth of England.
Q: Early man used to make his bed out of leaves. What did he usually cover his bed with? PAUL LYNDE: Early woman? ANSWER: Animal skins.
Q: Your job requires you to work from eleven at night until seven in the morning. What's that commonly called? JAN MURRAY: Cheating. ANSWER: The graveyard shift.
Q: There is an organization of people from all over the world called the Baker Street Irregulars who are all interested in the same thing. What? PAUL LYNDE: Milk of Magnesia. ANSWER: Sherlock Holmes.
Q: Three different types are the "lean-to," the "wedge,' and the "crawl-in." What are they? CHARLEY WEAVER: Suggestions from Masters and Johnson. ANSWER: Tents.
Q: If you are visiting one of the famous Seven Sisters on the East Coast, what would you be visiting? MILTON BERLE: A cheap motel. ANSWER: A college. They are the seven Ivy League women's colleges.
Q: What is the title for the person who advises students at a college? PAUL LYNDE: Obstetrician. ANSWER: A faculty advisor.
Q: The newest addition to Madame Tussaud's Famous Wax Museum is a statue of Jackie and Ari Onassis. Ari is sitting on an airplane. What is Jackie sitting on? CHARLEY WEAVER: Ari. ANSWER: A yacht. The Christina.
Q: When a member of the President's Cabinet resigns, he traditionally gets to take something back home that had been close to him during his time of duty. What is it? NANNETTE FABRAY: His secretary. ANSWER: His chair.
Q: Two space ships meet out there in space. Now they slowly come together and finally touch each other. What is this called? PAUL LYNDE: Foreplay. ANSWER: Docking.
Q: They come linked together, and three common types are "twisted," "straight" and "stud." What are they? JAN MURRAY: The King Family. ANSWER: Chains.
Q: If a sailor has a "forty-eight," what does he have? PAUL LYNDE: A spectacular date. ANSWER: A weekend pass.
Q: On an ocean liner what do you call the person who takes care of your valuables? CHARLEY WEAVER: In my case, the ship's doctor. ANSWER: The purser.
Q: If you used the word "condominium" around Julius Caesar, would he have understood what you were talking about? PAUL LYNDE: He would have washed my mouth out with soapium. ANSWER: No. That word is only about 10 years old.
Q: The diamond is the hardest precious stone in the world. What comes after the diamond? JAN MURRAY: A weekend in Acapulco. ANSWER: The sapphire.
Q: According to The Wall Street Journal, the rate of exchange of the Mexican peso hasn't changed since 1954. In terms of U.S. money, it's still worth about what? HARVEY KORMAN: About five minutes...(Off mike)...Oh, shut up, McLean (Stevenson)! ANSWER: Eight cents.
Q: Time Magazine describes it as "a vinyl bag filled with water and fitted out with a temperature- control device." It feels like a "huge warm hand." What is it? PAUL LYNDE: Sounds like mom! ANSWER: A water bed.
Q: What is the organization "Cooperative for American Relief Everywhere" better known as? CHARLEY WEAVER: The Prune Advisory Board. ANSWER: CARE.
Q: If you put your thumbs in your ears, pinch your nose closed with your little fingers, and sip a glass of water, what are you doing? MARTY ALLEN: Practicing birth control. ANSWER: Curing the hiccups.
Q: Engineers in Detroit predict that several small knobs on the dashboard of your car will eventually replace something. What? PAUL LYNDE: Your date. ANSWER: The steering wheel.
Q: We've all heard of leap year. Is there any such thing as a leap minute? CHARLEY WEAVER: Out at the home, that's love. ANSWER: Yes. We had one in 1972 when one second was added.
Q: The name for this well-known room comes from the Greek word meaning "to exercise naked." What do we call it? PAUL LYNDE: Delivery room. ANSWER: Gymnasium.
Q: What caused the loudest noise heard in recorded history? PAUL LYNDE: Lunch at the Acapulco Hilton. ANSWER: A volcano eruption - Krakatoa in 1883. It was heard 2,500 miles away.
Q: A survey of travel agents has determined the seven man-made wonders of the U.S.A. Name any one of them. McLEAN STEVENSON: Raquel Welch. ANSWER: Golden Gate Bridge, Hoover Dam, Mount Rushmore, Statue of Liberty, Disney World, Gateway Arch, Houston Astrodome.
Q: The largest one in the world is located in Moscow and can accomodate 6 thousand people at a time. What is it? PAUL LYNDE: Catherine the Great! ANSWER: A hotel.
Q: According to the Ladies' Home Journal, this event has been defined as "the blur between brushing one's teeth and starting the car." What is this event called? ROSE MARIE: Marriage. ANSWER: Breakfast.
Q: What would you be looking for if you were out shopping for flatware? JAN MURRAY: A blouse for Phyllis Diller. ANSWER: Silverware.
Q: According to Cosmopolitan, you should never borrow anything from a friend if it is...what? PAUL LYNDE: Under 18. ANSWER: Irreplaceable.
Q: According to government statistics, where will you find the wettest spot in the world? CHARLEY WEAVER: Wherever you scare an elephant. ANSWER: In Hawaii. A spot there gets 451 inches of rain a year.
Q: If your job requires you to spend your day working with joints, trusses and studs, then you are probably... what? PAUL LYNDE: A towel boy. ANSWER: Carpenter (builder).
Q: When Miss Venus Ramey won the Miss American title in 1944, she set the record for bust measurement, which still stands (37 1/2). She also had something else that no other Miss America has ever had. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Very poor posture. ANSWER: Red hair.
Q: After its last six months, it recorded 175,000 lost people, 55 weddings, 141 arrests for being drunk, and one little boy was born. Where? JAN MURRAY: The Dean Martin Show. ANSWER: Expo '70. They had 64 million visitors in 6 months.
Q: Many sociologists suggest that one way to make people drive more carefully is to put something on their license plates. What? PAUL LYNDE: Their kids. ANSWER: Their names.
Q: They call themselves "Jockettes." Who are they? PAUL LYNDE: Boy Rockettes. ANSWER: Lady jockeys.
Q: A mermaid is a girl who is half woman and half fish. What is the proper word for a man who is a fish from the waist down? MARTY ALLEN: Single. ANSWER: A merman.
Q: According to the Los Angeles Times, movie stars are known for having them, and one out of four people in Washington, D.C. has one. What are they? PAUL LYNDE: Affairs. ANSWER: Unlisted telephone numbers.
Q: According to Redbook Magazine, they should always be stored with the broad end up. What were they referring to? PAUL LYNDE: Ozzie and Harriet. ANSWER: Eggs.
Q: According to the Omaha World Herald, there are just 88 known active and semi-active ones in the world. What are they? CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, out at the home, that would be kidneys. ANSWER: Volcanos.
Q: In Canada, what do they call a five-cent piece? CHARLEY WEAVER: Yukon Lil. ANSWER: A nickle.
Q: You are riding along in the "tubes." Just where are you? PAUL LYNDE: I think I'm about to be born! ANSWER: In London's subway.

Chapter 18

Male or Female

Q: According to psychologists, who tend to discuss the
opposite sex more: men or women?
PAUL LYNDE: Did you say discuss or disgust?
ANSWER: Women discuss men about three times
more than men discuss women.
Q: Can you tell the difference between a man's snore and a woman's snore? CHARLEY WEAVER: No. And it's gotten me into a lot of trouble, Pete. ANSWER: Yes, according to an Australian psychologist. A woman's snore invariably ends in a wheeze.
Q: According to Pageant Magazine, generally, do men tend to get into bed the same way women do? MARTY ALLEN: If we did, we'd be wearin' minks! ANSWER: No. Women sit on the edge and swing their legs up, while men get in feet first.
Q: True or false: Today, one out of every three plastic surgery patients is a man. PAUL LYNDE: Before...or after? ANSWER: True.
Q: According to the most recent studies available, who's more apt to insist that sex be accompanied by a serious, meaningful relationship: the boy or the girl? JIM BROLIN: I would say the girl's father. ANSWER: The girl - just the way it's always been.
Q: If a man gives a great performance, it's customary to yell "Bravo!" What should you yell out if a woman gives a great performance? PAUL LYNDE: "Mind if I smoke?" ANSWER: "Brava."
Q: According to experts, probably the easiest way for a man to appear more handsome and youthful to the opposite sex is to do something. Do what? JAN MURRAY: Flash a roll of hundreds. ANSWER: Lose excess weight.
Q: Ann Landers says she knows what a real man is. How does she know? PAUL LYNDE: She peeked! ANSWER: She says she's married to one.
Q: According to sexologist Dr. David Reuben, what is the one quality a woman needs most to give her sex appeal? CHARLEY WEAVER: Her own apartment. ANSWER: Honesty.
Q: According to the Herald Examiner, for every $5 earned by a man on a certain type of job, how much can a woman expect to earn in a similar job? PAUL LYNDE: If she's really built, about $50. ANSWER: $3.
Q: What do you call a man who's the head of a monastery? MARTY ALLEN: Unlucky in love. ANSWER: An abbott.
Q: True or false: As far as the U.S. goes, there are more women smugglers than men. CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, they have more places to hide things. ANSWER: True, according to the border patrol.
Q: According to Richard Burton, the best way to handle a woman is to give her something. What? PAUL LYNDE: A bath. ANSWER: Diamonds.
Q: Back in the 1880s, young boys, usually teenagers, were the primary source of telephone operators. But by 1890, they were being replaced by girls. Why? MILTON BERLE: Do you know a third choice, Peter? ANSWER: They were very rude.
Q: Do most men think it's sexy when a woman adjusts their neckties? PAUL LYNDE: How tight? ANSWER: Yes, an overwhelming majority do.
Q: According to the Ladies' Home Journal, what is the main reason that more men aren't secretaries? MARTY ALLEN: Bad legs. ANSWER: The low pay.
Q: During a weekend of skiing, who's more likely to have an accident: a man, or a woman? PAUL LYNDE: On the slopes...or in the lodge? ANSWER: The woman. They have far more accidents on the average than men.
Q: Are there any women on the F.B.I.'s latest "Ten Most Wanted List"? CHARLEY WEAVER: Just one, and her phone never stops ringing. ANSWER: Yes, three of them.
Q: According to Dr. Joyce Brothers, who is usually the closest confidant of an unmarried young man? PAUL LYNDE: An unmarried young mother. ANSWER: His mother.
Q: Who is more likely to fall out of a hospital bed: a man or a woman? CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, now, out at the home it usually happens simultaneously. ANSWER: A man. For some reason, twice as many as women.
Q: Anthropologist Margaret Mead writes, "It is a unique potential in women, the ability to..." To what? PAUL LYNDE: Fake it. ANSWER: Bear children.
Q: If a man likes full-busted women, psychiatrists say he's likely to be ambitious. What can they tell about him if he goes for long-legged women? ROSE MARIE: He's ambitious and tall. ANSWER: He's very shy.
Q: According to recent studies at Stanford, is there anything inside a woman's body that makes her tend to cry more than men? PAUL LYNDE: Yes, triplets! ANSWER: Yes. The female horomone estrogen seems to have an effect on crying.
Q: You've been having trouble getting to sleep, awww. Are you probably a man or a woman? DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keepin' me awake at nights! ANSWER: You're a woman, according to the International Family Health Encyclopedia.
Q: Within 5 percent, how many skydivers are women? JAN MURRAY: Before or after they hit the ground? ANSWER: 20 percent.
Q: According to Karen Valentine's advice column, "Ask Karen," there are two ways for a really skinny girl not to be mistaken for a boy.One is to wear your hair in a very feminine style. What's the other? PAUL LYNDE: Nurse in public. ANSWER: Wear super-feminine clothing.
Q: A mermaid is half girl and half fish. What do you call a man who is half boy and half fish? CHARLEY WEAVER: Lonely. ANSWER: A merman.
Q: Were cigar store "wooden Indians" ever women? PAUL LYNDE: Only those made by a nervous whittler. ANSWER: Yes. In fact, 80 percent were - to attract more customers.
Q: Royally speaking, how does a woman get to be the Queen Mother? MARTY ALLEN: Fool around with a king. ANSWER: She's the king's widow, and her child is the reigning king or queen.
Q: You're dreaming about a house. Are you more likely to be a man or a woman? CHARLEY WEAVER: What kind of house is it? ANSWER: A woman, according to Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Chapter 19

Down On The Farm

Q: What should you call a female sheep?
PAUL LYNDE: Beloved.
ANSWER: A ewe.
Q: If a jackass and a mare fall in love, what will they produce? MEL BROOKS: "The Dating Game." ANSWER: A mule.
Q: What are "dual purpose" cattle good for that other cattle aren't? PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies. ANSWER: They're good for both meat and milk production.
Q: Chickens in a prticular part of the country turn out more eggs per hen than anywhere else in the country. What state are they in? CHARLEY WEAVER: In almost constant pain. ANSWER: California.
Q: Does your average rabbit mind being lifted up by his ears? PAUL LYNDE: During the mating season, he considers it a favor! ANSWER: Yes. Never lift him by his legs or ears because you'll injure him.
Q: What does a lamb have to do to become a sheep? ROSE MARIE: Be nice to the shepherd. ANSWER: Celebrate its first birthday.
Q: Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What? PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring. ANSWER: A calf.
Q: When it comes to baby chickens, is it pretty easy for the average person to tell the boys from the girls? JAN MURRAY: Take a peek while you're plucking! ANSWER: No, it takes an expert.
Q: We get wool from a sheep, but we get something very special from an angora goat. What is it? PAUL LYNDE: Respect. ANSWER: Mohair.
Q: Just before he starts milking, there's one thing a good farmer does. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Makes sure it's a cow. ANSWER: He washes the cow's udder, for good sanitation.
Q: Other than his crook or staff, what else did a shepherd have to protect him and his sheep? PAUL LYNDE: The Pill. ANSWER: His dog.
Q: When does a cowboy call a horse a bronco? CHARLEY WEAVER: When they're alone together. ANSWER: Before the horse had been broken or tamed.
Q: If a fox steals into your chicken coop one evening, the eggs the chickens lay for the next few days will probably be different than usual. What will be different about them? PAUL LYNDE: They'll have long, bushy tails. ANSWER: The shells will be thicker.
Q: According to experts, male turkeys change something of theirs from blue to red when they want to attract a female turkey. What do they change? JAN MURRAY: The light bulb in the coop. ANSWER: Their necks. Their necks change color.
Q: It's sometimes called "the poor man's cow." What is it? PAUL LYNDE: Bagpipes. ANSWER: A goat.
Q: What do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds? CHARLEY WEAVER: A divorcee. ANSWER: A hog. (Also swine, boar, sow)
Q: Right after Trigger died, what did Roy Rogers announce he would do? PAUL LYNDE: Dismount. ANSWER: Have the horse stuffed.
Q: Humans are identified by fingerprints. How can you tell cows apart? CHARLEY WEAVER: Some udder way. ANSWER: Nose prints. Every cow's nose is unique.
Q: Are you apt to have much success if you try to cross a turkey with a chicken? PAUL LYNDE: According to most chickens, it's a wonderful way to go. ANSWER: Yes. You'll get a fowl known as a "turkhen."
Q: The raccoon does something before he eats that few other animals do. What? JIM BROLIN: He has a cocktail. ANSWER: He washes his food.
Q: True or false: The Duke University Goat-watching Society recently did a long study and determined that, comparitively, goats are "delightful companions" for humans. PAUL LYNDE: Yes, and I'd like to make an announcement. ANSWER: True.
Q: According to experts, will you ever find a goose 29 thousand feet in the air? CHARLEY WEAVER: Maybe in a very crowded economy class. ANSWER: Yes. They've been photographed that high.
Q: Your horse has 40 teeth. Is it a boy horse or a girl horse? PAUL LYNDE: Is that where you look? ANSWER: A boy. Most males have 40 teeth, the females only 36.
Q: Can guinea pigs whistle? PAUL LYNDE: Only when they come to a boil. ANSWER: His food. A gopher's favorite foods are roots.
Q: In Kenya what can you usually tell about a man who has lots and lots and lots and lots of goats? CHARLEY WEAVER: That he never takes his slippers off around the house. ANSWER: He's wealthy.
Q: You are milking your cow once a day. According to the World Book, are you living up to her expectations? PAUL LYNDE: I must be. She broke up with the bull. ANSWER: No. Cows are milked twice a day.
Q: According to scientists, frogs have trouble telling boys from girls. If a boy frog grabs another boy frog, how does he know he's made a mistake? CHARLEY WEAVER: Who said it was a mistake? ANSWER: The other one growls a special noise that, hopefully, all other frogs will honor.
Q: Do female frogs croak? PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water... ANSWER: No.
Q: True or false: Turtles don't find other turtles very attractive. JAN MURRAY: Actually they're attracted to sheep, but the sheep are too fast for 'em. ANSWER: False.

Chapter 20

Star Studded

Q: According to Omar Sharif, good breeding is the
thing he admires most in women. What comes second?
PAUL LYNDE: Bad breeding.
ANSWER: Intelligence.
Q: According to T.V. Movie Screen, Burt Reynolds is quoted as saying, "Dinah's in top form. I have never known anyone to be so completely able to throw herself into a..." A what? PAUL LYNDE: A headboard. ANSWER: A game. Dinah is an avid tennis player.
Q: For the very first time, Liz Taylor recently became something people often make jokes about. What did she become? JIM BROLIN: Polish. ANSWER: A mother-in-law.
Q: Connie Stevens shares something she uses in her nightclub act with her ex-husband Eddie Fisher. Eddie is now using it in his act. What is it? PAUL LYNDE: A sequin pants suit. ANSWER: Connie's brother, who is a drummer.
Q: Jill St. John has something flown in from New York every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. She says, "I think this is a magnificently healthy way to start the day." What was she talking about? JAN MURRAY: The New York Jets. ANSWER: Clams on the half shell. She has them for breakfast.
Q: According to Cary Grant, which does he prefer: a double bed or a king-size bed? ROSE MARIE: If only I could tell you for sure... ANSWER: A double bed.
Q: Eva Gabor says there's a word she dislikes very much because it always signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word is it? PAUL LYNDE: Pregnant. ANSWER: Alimony.
Q: Mae West recently stated that she not only bathes in it but she also drinks it. What is it? CHARLEY WEAVER: Bath water. ANSWER: Bottled spring water.
Q: According to Joyce Haber, there is one thing that Rock Hudson has never been able to think of himself as. What is it? JAN MURRAY: A debutante. ANSWER: Rock Hudson. He's never been able to get used to that name.
Q: Sophia Loren recently stated, "My Oscar meant nothing in Naples because acting means nothing. The one thing that is respected in Naples is..." What? PAUL LYNDE: An elderly streetwalker. ANSWER: Singing.
Q: Mickey Rooney was the first actor to do something with Esther Williams in a movie. Do what? MARTY ALLEN: The breast stroke. ANSWER: Kiss her. In her first film, "Andy Hardy's Double Life."
Q: According to Elvis Presley, he got one four years ago, but one of his goals in life is that he'd like another one. Another what? KAREN VALENTINE: Another hickey. ANSWER: Child. He has one daughter but would like another child.
Q: Lana Turner recently stated that she has been offered as much as a quarter of a million dollars to do something, but she won't do it. What? PAUL LYNDE: Close her drapes. ANSWER: Write her autobiography. "I haven't finished living my life by a long shot."
Q: After a 3-hour-and-15-minute battle, Frankie Laine recently got himself one that weighed 310 pounds. Just what did Frankie get himself? JAN MURRAY: A hernia. ANSWER: A fish. A swordfish, off Catalina Island.
Q: A highlight of an American star's recent Australian tour was the star's exhibition of baton twirling while wearing red, white and blue sequined hot pants and a decorated fringed jacket. Who was the star? PAUL LYNDE: Vincent Price. ANSWER: Liberace.
Q: Patty Duke recently claimed that she has mastered 56 different ways of making something. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Whoopee. ANSWER: Hamburger.
Q: According to Zsa Zsa Gabor, there is only one time when you really get to know a man. When is that? LILY TOMLIN: Just before breakfast. ANSWER: When you divorce him.
Q: Robert Young recently stated, "I never, never give..." something to his fans who ask for it. What? PAUL LYNDE: A hysterectomy. ANSWER: Medical advice. "I have to remind them that I'm only an actor."
Q: Dean Martin has been known to walk up eight flights of stairs rather than do something he hates to do. What? PAUL LYNDE: Oh, sleep alone. ANSWER: Take the elevator. Dino hates elevators.
Q: Marlo Thomas is often asked by young girls, "How do I become an actress?" Marlo always tells them to get something first. Get what? JAN MURRAY: Undressed. ANSWER: A good education.
Q: James Stewart did it over 20 years ago when he was 41 years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it? MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming. ANSWER: He got married.
Q: Jane Fonda calls it the most beautiful thing in the world, as well as the most painful. What is it? PAUL LYNDE: A sequinned whip. ANSWER: Love.
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet. ANSWER: UFO's.
Q: According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking. ANSWER: Wealth.
Q: Ava Gardner says she can't really remember enjoying it, and only does it to get over her shyness. What was she talking about? PAUL LYNDE: Makin' love. ANSWER: Drinking.
Q: Beatle John Lennon recently published his favorite photo of himself. It shows him smiling and sitting on top of something. What? STU GILLIAM: Yoko Ono. ANSWER: A bicycle - his first, in 1950.
Q: According to Marlene Dietrich, whenever she gives an interview, there is one question she is asked over and over. What is it? PAUL LYNDE: "How about it, baby?" ANSWER: "How old are you?"
Q: Roy Rogers hasn't done it in 20 years, but there's speculation he may do it again soon. Do what? CHARLEY WEAVER: Reupholster Trigger. ANSWER: Make a movie.
Q: Anthony Quinn thinks they should be abolished, but he wouldn't turn one down. What are they? PAUL LYNDE: Fifty-year-old women. ANSWER: The Oscars.
Q: When Frank Sinatra made his great comeback performance in Las Vegas recently, he missed his second scheduled performance because something "just didn't feel right." What? MARTY ALLEN: His slacks. ANSWER: His throat.

Chapter 21


Q: Before Columbus sailed to America, he made
something for a living. What did he make?
PAUL LYNDE: Passionate love to Queen Isabella.
ANSWER: Maps. He was a mapmaker.
Q: In 1769, Daniel Boone started exploring something which he later described as a "terrestrial paradise." What was he exploring? CHARLEY WEAVER: Dolly Madison. ANSWER: Kentucky.
Q: According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, Christopher Columbus first brought the seeds of something to the Western World. Then they began popping up in Florida, then South America, and now they are all over California. What are they? PAUL LYNDE: Bambinos. ANSWER: Oranges.
Q: Admiral Farragut is famous for his statement, "Damn the torpedoes...full speed ahead!" Where was he when he said it? CHARLEY WEAVER: In the tub. ANSWER: Mobile, Alabama. In Mobile Bay.
Q: According to the World Book, Francisco Pizarro became famous for his conquest of something. What? PAUL LYNDE: Cesar Romero. ANSWER: Peru.
Q: Only 40 men in the history of the United States can claim to have done it. One of them was Benjamin Franklin. Do what? CHARLEY WEAVER: Put a smile on the face of Mrs. Franklin. ANSWER: Sign the Constitution.
Q: Alexander Graham Bell spoke the first words over the telephone. He said, "Watson, come here, I want you." Why did he want him? JIM BROLIN: Just one of those crazy urges. ANSWER: He was hurt. he'd spilled acid on his clothes.
Q: George Washington Carver was the man who was able to do 300 different things with...what? PAUL LYNDE: Ruby Begonia. ANSWER: Peanuts.
Q: True or false: In 1890, the U.S. issued a $5 bill which pictured Miss Liberty "topless" and holding a light bulb in her hand. CHARLEY WEAVER: I didn't notice a light bulb. ANSWER: True. But reaction was so strong against it that it was removed from circulation.
Q: Thomas Edison was a famous advocate of doing something every afternoon that he said helped him get through the day. What was it? PAUL LYNDE: Madame Curie. ANSWER: He took a nap.
Q: In 1931, two men in Russia slapped each other in the face continually for 300 hours. Why? MARTY ALLEN: Just a lover's quarrel. ANSWER: It was a face-slapping contest, and the two men now hold the world's record.
Q: Napoleon offered a handsome prize to anyone who could come up with a cheap and wholesome substitute for it. For what? PAUL LYNDE: Josephine. ANSWER: Butter. That was the invention of margarine.
Q: In 1959, man got his first glimpse of the backside of something. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Was that the year Kate Smith fell down on the Ed Sullivan Show? ANSWER: The moon. From the Russian satellite Luna 3.
Q: It was perfected in 1873 by a Major Walter Clopton Wingfield as a diversion for English society. What is it? PAUL LYNDE: The vibrating crumpet. ANSWER: Tennis.
Q: When Russia's Nikita Khruschev visited this country in the late 50s, he was quite upset when he was told that he wouldn't be allowed to visit a famous place that has provided pleasure for millions. What was it? ROSE MARIE: Frank Sinatra's bedroom. ANSWER: Disneyland.
Q: A fanous world landmark has been under U.S. control since 1903 but will gradually be given back to the country in which it is found. What is it? MARTY ALLEN: Zsa Zsa Gabor. ANSWER: The Panama Canal.
Q: On December 17, 1903, one of the most significant events in modern history took place...although it only lasted about 12 seconds. What was it? CHARLEY WEAVER: My second honeymoon. ANSWER: The historic arirplane flight by the Wright Brothers.
Q: In London, you might visit the place where some of the wives of Henry VIII were beheaded, where the little princes were imprisoned, and where a fantastic sample of torture instruments are displayed. What is it called? PAUL LYNDE: Noel Coward's place. ANSWER: The Tower of London. The crown jewels are there also.
Q: Emperor Hirohito has been the Emperor of Japan for many years. Does he have an empress? CHARLEY WEAVER: Not so much anymore. ANSWER: Yes. Empress Nagako is Hirohito's wife.
Q: In 1848, something was made for the first time in Bangor, Maine, that millions of people have loved ever since. What? PAUL LYNDE: Virginia Graham. ANSWER: Chewing gum.
Q: Benjamin Franklin kept four beds in his house, and he would switch from one to another whenever he felt something. Felt what? CHARLEY WEAVER: Lonely. ANSWER: Warm. He hated it. He switched beds continuously to keep cool.

Chapter 22

Animal World

Q: Should you be gentle when trying to awaken 
an elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: I just leave peanuts on the dresser and
tip-toe out.
ANSWER: Yes. If you do not do it gently and carefully,
he will be in a bad mood for the whole day.
Q: Smokey Bear has something written on his hat. What is it? LILY TOMLIN: "I'll never forget you," signed Ranger Roy. ANSWER: His name. It says "Smokey" on his hat.
Q: We all know Smokey Bear's motto: "Only you can prevent firest fires," but what exactly is the request that Woodsy Owl makes of us? PAUL LYNDE: "Keep that dirty bear away from me!" ANSWER: "Give a hoot, don't pollute."
Q: According to Cosmopolitan's Love Guide, is it a good sign if your man loves animals? JOAN RIVERS: Not to excess. ANSWER: Yes, it is.
Q: According to author Desmond Morris, do chimpanzees kiss exactly the same way humans do? PAUL LYNDE: (wink) Better! ANSWER: No. Close, but not exactly the same.
Q: You see a reindeer charging at you, and you notice that it has antlers. Can you be certain that it's a male? ROSE MARIE: I'll take my chances and just freshen up. ANSWER: No. Females have 'em, too.
Q: You're in the woods with a friend and a snake bites him. What's the first thing you should do? PAUL LYNDE: Find a new friend. ANSWER: Kill the snake and keep it. It's importatnt to identify it for the doctor.
Q: There are three reasons we know of why a male lion roars. One is that he is angry, another is he is hungry. What is the third? CHARLEY WEAVER: His shorts are too tight. ANSWER: He's in love. And he's calling his mate.
Q: You have an uncontrollable urge to kill a walrus. The authorities won't let you, though, unless you can prove that you are a...what? PAUL LYNDE: A jealous husband. ANSWER: An Eskimo. Only Eskimos are allowed to kill a walrus.
Q: Blue, gray, and humpback are all kinds of something. Kinds of what? KAREN VALENTINE: Colors. ANSWER: Whales.
Q: There is only one living thing that the average polar bear is afraid of. What? PAUL LYNDE: A lonely Eskimo. ANSWER: The walrus.
Q: True or false: If a grizzly bear breaks into your camp, the first thing he'll probably go for is your sweets. CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes, so be sure and lock her in your sleeping bag. ANSWER: True. They love candy.
Q: A little bear is called a cub. A little cow is a calf. What should you call a little goose? PAUL LYNDE: Annoying. ANSWER: A gosling.
Q: Does the average elephant feel more romantic in a zoo or in the wild? ROSE MARIE: I haven't found much difference, Pete. ANSWER: In the wild. Elephants seldom mate in zoos.
Q: Rubbing an alligator's stomach has a curious effect on him. What does rubbing his tummy make him do? PAUL LYNDE: Eat you. ANSWER: Sleep. No one knows why, but it's true.
Q: We all know that your little house cat can purr when it's happy. But is there anything that will make a big wild tiger purr? ROSE MARIE: Probably your little house cat. ANSWER: Yes. They purr, too.
Q: You are wandering through the jungle when you suddenly come upon a large group of baboons, who immediately start smacking their lips and grunting softly. What are they trying to tell you? PAUL LYNDE: They want me! ANSWER: Welcome. Their intentions are peaceful.
Q: You have just scolded your gorilla for being a bad boy. Might he stick out his tongue at you to show his anger? PAUL LYNDE: Was that his tongue? ANSWER: Yes.
Q: Do gorillas have a high sex drive? CHARLEY WEAVER: No, but they like to monkey around. ANSWER: No. They have a low sex drive.

Chapter 23

Music And Song

Q: According to the classic song, "millions of hearts
have been broken just because these words were spoken."
What words?
PAUL LYNDE: "I'm going to have your baby."
ANSWER: "I love you." "So be sure that it's true
when you say I love you, 'cuase it's a sin to tell a lie."
Q: According to the song, "When we're dancing and you're dangerously near me," what happens? CHARLEY WEAVER: Well, out to the home if anything happens they write it up in the medical journal. ANSWER: "I get ideas, I get ideas."
Q: According to the old alphabet song, "A, you're adorable, B, you're so beautiful, C, you're a cutie full of charms." When you're a "D", what are you? PAUL LYNDE: Top-heavy. ANSWER: Delightful.
Q: According to the lyrics of a well-known song, "I've got rhytm, I've got music." What else do I have? McLEAN STEVENSON: I've got six kids...and I don't have rhythm. ANSWER: "My girl." (Who could ask for anything more?)
Q: According to the old song, "I took one look at you, that's all I meant to do, and then..." something happened. What? PAUL LYNDE: I fell off the fire escape! ANSWER: "My Heart Stood Still," by Rodgers and Hart.
Q: In the old standard, "South of the Border," "I fell in love down Mexico way" when something came out. When what came out? CHARLEY WEAVER: Thursday's lunch. ANSWER: The stars - to play.
Q: The song "Where Do I Begin?" is the theme song for what hit movie? PAUL LYNDE: Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice. ANSWER: Love Story.
Q: There's a gospel hymn that says, "It was good enough for father, It's good enough for me." What is it? CHARLEY WEAVER: That's Mrs. Ferguson out to the home. ANSWER: "Old-Time Religion."
Q: According to the old song, "A Bicycle Built For Two,' why am I half crazy? PAUL LYNDE: (In pain) My seat's too high! ANSWER: All for the love of you.
Q: According to Candid Viewer Magazine, sometimes when Fred MacMurray wants to relax, he uses something he once used in a band but admits that it "sounds pretty bad." What is it? REDD FOXX: Helen O'Connell. ANSWER: The saxophone.
Q: In music, you put together two violinists, one cellist, and one player of a viola...and what do you have? PAUL LYNDE: A crush on the cellist. ANSWER: A string quartet.
Q: What famous singer once said that a great singer needed a big mouth, 90 percent memory, 10 percent intelligence, lots of hard work, something in the heart, and a big chest? CHARLEY WEAVER: Eddie Fisher, and then somebody stole his big chest! ANSWER: Caruso.
Q: According to the Ameerican Music Conference, two musical instruments that we usually associate with men are becoming increasingly popular with women. One of them is the drums. What's the other? PAUL LYNDE: I know an accordian gives 'em a thrill. ANSWER: The trumpet.
Q: According to music experts, is the piano the best thing for you to try to train your young child on? CHARLEY WEAVER: No, try newspapers. ANSWER: No. It's very difficult and often discourages children from musical training.
Q: What do you call that musical instrument that's shaped like a triangle? PAUL LYNDE: Connie Stevens. ANSWER: The instrument is called a triangle, too.
Q: According to Coronet Magazine, is it a good idea to play music when you make love? CHARLEY WEAVER: Not if you play the tuba. ANSWER: Yes. It screens out other noises.
Q: In music, who was responsible for St. Matthew's Passion? PAUL LYNDE: St. Theresa. ANSWER: Bach. It's one of his best-known works.

Chapter 24

Sports, Games, Hobbies

Q: According to Family Weekly, the most popular
hobby in America is photography. What comes next?
PAUL LYNDE: Blackmail.
ANSWER: Raising tropical fish.
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score? ROSE MARIE: Ralph, the pin boy! ANSWER: 300.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it. ANSWER: 500 feet.
Q: In 1953, the world's greatest weight lifter, Paul Anderson, lifted 6,000 pounds. What did he get for it? PAUL LYNDE: The world's biggest hernia. ANSWER: The championship and a world record.
Q: Where would you find a jockey's silks? JIM BROLIN: Under his evening gown. ANSWER: On his body. His silks are his riding outfit.
Q: In what sport could you win a prize for the best "abdominals"? PAUL LYNDE: Celebrity Childbirth. ANSWER: Weight lifting.
Q: Ginger Rogers once attributed her 19-inch waistline to a certain sport. What sport? MARTY ALLEN: Fred Astaire. ANSWER: Tennis.
Q: If you said, "I am a funny little Dutch girl, as funny as can be, and all the boys around my block are crazy over me," what would you be doing while you said it? CHARLEY WEAVER: Trying to stay out of the Army. ANSWER: Jumping rope.
Q: If you won the Mexican Open, what kind of athlete would you be? PAUL LYNDE: A runner! ANSWER: A golfer.
Q: Robin Hood entered Price John's archery contest and got a kiss from Maid Marion. What was first prize in the contest? MARTY ALLEN: A kiss from Prince John. ANSWER: A silver arrow.
Q: James Ellis and Joseph Frazier recently held it together, and Mr. Frazier is currently holding it alone. What is it? JAN MURRAY: Mrs. Frazier. ANSWER: The heavyweight boxing championship of the world.
Q: Mainly, when he's deep under the ocean, two things are sent through the diver's hose. Oxygen is one. What's the other? PAUL LYNDE: The 23rd Psalm. ANSWER: Helium.
Q: According to Time Magazine, what is the sport on which Americans spend the most money? HARVEY KORMAN: Adultery. ANSWER: Skiing. $1.5 billion.
Q: A Russian named Petrosian recently used the Sicilian Defense and lost. Lost what? PAUL LYNDE: His deep voice. ANSWER: Playing chess and losing to American champ Bobby Fischer.
Q: What is the most popular participant sport in nudist camps? ROSE MARIE: "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" ANSWER: Volleyball.
Q: The most important rule of scuba diving is: "Never dive without..." Without what? PAUL LYNDE: Your trunks. ANSWER: "A partner."
Q: In professional boxing, can you lose a fight for hitting your opponent below the belt? MARTY ALLEN: Yes, but that's nothing compared to his problem. ANSWER: Yes, you can.
Q: Technically, in baseball, what do you call the area between the batter's knees and his armpits? PAUL LYNDE: The erogenous zone. ANSWER: The strike zone.
Q: At a wrestling match, how does someone score? JIM BACKUS: Same as anywhere: make friends and offer to buy her a drink. ANSWER: By pinning his opponent's shoulders to the mat.
Q: Famed basketball star Wilt Chamberlain says that he keeps in shape during the off season by doing something he really enjoys. What is it? JAN MURRAY: Peering into fourth-floor windows. ANSWER: Playing volleyball.
Q: Your wife has just won the Uber Cup. What did she have to to to get it? PAUL LYNDE: Ask Uber. ANSWER: Play badminton. She's the champ.
Q: William Moore, America's oldest living professional athlete, has just retired at age 100. What is his sport? CHARLEY WEAVER: The prune toss. ANSWER: Tennis.
Q: For a long time now, daredevil motorcycle rider Evel Knievel has wanted to jump over something, but the Government won't let him. What is it? SALLY STRUTHERS: Julie Nixon Eisenhower. ANSWER: The Grand Canyon.
Q: Before athletic competition, ancient Greek athletes covered their body with something. What? MARTY ALLEN: Rita, the Goddess of Conquest. ANSWER: Olive oil.
Q: Is bowling big in Japan? LILY TOMLIN: Nothing is big in Japan. ANSWER: Yes. It's very popular.
Q: What is a female bullfighter called in Mexico? CHARLEY WEAVER: Before the last fight, she was called Jose Garcia. ANSWER: A matador.

Chapter 25

Around The World

Q: In ancient Egypt, every able-bodied man was required
to spend several months a year working on something. What?
PAUL LYNDE: Cleopatra.
ANSWER: Pyramids.
Q: True or false: Mountain climbers in Switzerland are complaing that the Matterhorn does not have enough bathroom facilities. CHARLEY WEAVER: Especially the climbers at the bottom. ANSWER: True.
Q: Is whipping legal in Canada? PAUL LYNDE: Yes, and very popular. ANSWER: Yes. It's a legal punishment.
Q: What group of people is famous for ending a good hunt by tossing everybody in a blanket? JOAN RIVERS : Movie producers. ANSWER: The Eskimos. It's their traditional sport.
Q: In a guide for American businessmen who are going to Russia, it tells them to do one particular thing immediately after having a glass of vodka. What should they do? PAUL LYNDE: Grab a woman. ANSWER: Have a water chaser.
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"? VINCENT PRICE: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty. ANSWER: Yes. Four words (Aloha au, ia, oe).
Q: In Morocco, if you see a man walk up to a young lady and break a raw egg on her forehead, you can be pretty sure that she is just about to do something. What is that? PAUL LYNDE: Use her knee. ANSWER: Get married. It's a prenuptial ritual.
Q: According to custom, where does an Austrian kiss a lady when he meets her? JAN MURRAY: On the alps. ANSWER: On her hand.
Q: In France, boys don't whistle at attractive girls. What do they do to show their appreciation? PAUL LYNDE: Rip off their clothes. ANSWER: They hiss.
Q: According to the National Environmental Research Centerr, in the summer, an Eskimo will frequently pay up to $5 for a big cake of ice. Because that provides him with...what? MARTY ALLEN: Companionship. ANSWER: Drinking water for the summer - 35 gallons of it.
Q: What happenes if you give a wolf-whistle to a woman in Cairo, Egypt? PAUL LYNDE: She'll tell her camel to soil you. ANSWER: You'll be arrested and imprisoned from one week to two years.
Q: The Swedish Government gives women $256 every time they do something. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: I don't know, but they leave it on the dresser. ANSWER: Have a baby.
Q: Overweight Germans have been asked to lay off the national dish. What is the national dish? JAN MURRAY: Elke Sommer. ANSWER: Sausage or wurst.
Q: On New Year's Eve in Scotland, it's traditional to wish that a person will have a fire in his hearth, money in his purse, and something on his table. What? PAUL LYNDE: His secretary. ANSWER: Bread.
Q: Traditionally, when a Britisher gets this job, he pretends to be reluctant and two of his co-workers grab him and drag him to his new seat. What is the job? MARTY ALLEN: Queen. ANSWER: Speaker of the House of Commons. The feigned reluctance is a centuries old tradition.
Q: Japanese television has lured Audrey Hepburn out of retirement to model some common items that they feel only Audrey can do justice to. What is she modeling? PAUL LYNDE: Chop sticks. ANSWER: Wigs. The japanese get turned on by long, skinny necks and Audrey has one of those.
Q: Jackie Onassis once described it as a "bunch of men stamping around and yelling and going without a bath for three days." What was she referring to? PAUL LYNDE: A Greek honeymoon. ANSWER: Political party conventions.
Q: In the United States, how often must a commercial airline pilot get a physical check-up? JOAN RIVERS: Every 1200 hours...or new stewardess... whichever comes first. ANSWER: Every 6 months.
Q: You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why? PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride! ANSWER: To see a play. It's the world-famous theater.
Q: True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full pace, then high jumping over them. CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests. ANSWER: True.
Q: Where did the custom of kissing a lady's hand begin? PAUL LYNDE: At the shoulder. ANSWER: In France.
Q: In Denmark, if you looked up and saw a couple of storks on your roof, it would mean you were going to have something. What? CHARLEY WEAVER: Stork fazool. ANSWER: Good luck. Danes even build nests for them.
Q: You are leaving Hawaii by boat. Now legend says you will return if you do something. What? PAUL LYNDE: Have Don Ho's baby. ANSWER: Throw your lei overboard.
Q: According to research in London, what is considered to be the worst enemy of sleep? CHARLEY WEAVER: Beer. ANSWER: Worry.

Chapter 26

Movies And TV

Q: In the 1930s, a Tarzan movie was made near Silver
Springs, Florida, and when it was done, the film crews
left something behind. Now these things are becoming 
a menace. What are they?
PAUL LYNDE: About now they'd be teenagers!
ANSWER: Several hundred wild monkeys, the
descendants of the Tarzan cast.
Q: In the classic The Wizard of Oz, the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want? CHARLEY WEAVER : A woman! ANSWER: Brains.
Q: What popular TV show has a theme song called, "You're Going To Make It After All"? JIM BACKUS: "Love, American Style." ANSWER: The Mary Tyler Moore Show (although the song's ACTUAL title is "Love Is All Around.")
Q: When The Doris Day Show starts, Doris comes down a staircase, smiles a big smile, and then says three words which helped make her famous. What are these three words? PAUL LYNDE: "Don't touch me!" ANSWER: "Que sera, sera." She sings her famous song at the opening of each episode.
Q: Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds and Shelly Winters star in the movie, What's the Matter with Helen? In the movie, who plays Helen? CHARLEY WEAVER : Dennis Weaver - that's why they ask the question. ANSWER: Shelly Winters.
Q: What gave Mary Poppins the ability to fly? PAUL LYNDE: Somethin' she sniffed. ANSWER: Her umbrella.
Q: In the movie One Million Years B.C., the two humans were Tumac and Loana. Tumac was of the Rock People. Raquel Welch played Loana. What people was she from? MARTY ALLEN: The Grapefruit People. ANSWER: The Shell People.
Q: In The Wizard of Oz, the tin man wanted a heart and the scarecrow wanted a brain. What did the lion want? PAUL LYNDE: Dorothy. ANSWER: Courage.
Q: Who did Dyan Cannon play in the movie Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice? JOAN RIVERS: Both Bob and Ted. ANSWER: Alice.
Q: In a classic scene, Kirk Douglas and Burt Lancaster met for a shootout at a famous Western spot. Where did they meet? JIM BROLIN: At Jill St. John's. ANSWER: At the O.K. Corral in Gunfight at the O.K. Corral.
Q: In the movies, who gave the advice "whistle while you work"? PAUL LYNDE: It was either Linda Lovelace or Paul Winchell. ANSWER: The Seven Dwarfs.
Q: In the old Cisco Kid TV series, Pancho would smile at the Cisco Kid every week at the end of the show and say, "Oh, Cisco!" What did Cisco answer? CHARLEY WEAVER: "Let go of me, Pancho." ANSWER: "Oh, Pancho!"
Q: What is the familiar phrase that is repeated hundreds of times a year by the highest-paid female model on commercial television? MARTY ALLEN: "Is the door locked?" ANSWER: "Take it off, take it all off." (Gunilla Hutton is the young lady's name.)
Q: According to the head NBC censor, when it comes to movies to be seen on TV, the networks check for three things: violence, sex, and...what else? PAUL LYNDE: Originality. ANSWER: Language - offensive language.
Q: Lovely Karen Valentine made her film debut in a movie called Gidget...Does something. Gidget what? PAUL LYNDE: Gidget Gets Morning Sickness. ANSWER: Gidget Grows Up.
Q: In the popular book and movie, The Andromeda Strain, what is the Andromeda Strain? JAN MURRAY: It's a Greek hernia. ANSWER: A disease.
Q: On the old Roy Rogers Show, did Dale Evans wear a gun, too? CHARLEY WEAVER: Yes. They both did. And they had to be very careful when they hugged. ANSWER: Yes. And she was a good shot.
Q: In the old Sergeant Preston television show, the good sergeant ended every episode by saying something to his faithful dog. What did he say? PAUL LYNDE: "I'll get the lights, dear." ANSWER: "This case is closed."
Q: At a recent Hollywood auction, something was sold which Liz Taylor used a lot in the movie Cleopatra. What was it? JOAN RIVERS: Rex Harrison. ANSWER: Her throne.
Q: According to Life Magazine, Rock Hudson was recently with the eight girls who will appear with him in a new movie, and his comment was, "Yechh." Why? MARTY ALLEN: They were naked? ANSWER: They were all wearing midis.
Q: When the Lone Ranger was finished with a case, he left something behind. What? PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby. ANSWER: A silver bullet.
Q: True or false: On a recent talk show, Joey Heatherton said, "I am not a sexpot." JAN MURRAY: She's right, Pete, but you're a damn good M.C. ANSWER: True.

©1974, Heatter-Quigley, Inc., a Filmways company.

ZINGERS FROM THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES was published by Popular Library,
and released on Event Records.