Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is Hiding Mullah Omar: *He asks if he can borrow your shovel, "to work on the cave." *The Air Force is dropping a lot more bombs on the block than they ever did before *He's filling his basement with cave-in debris "to make it more homey" *You call him up, he says "Osama! Oh, whoops, I thought you were someone else" *His lawn gnome has a turban *In his grocery bag you notice a fifty-pound bag of Mullah Chow Top Ten Signs You're Already Having A Bad Year: You spent entire life savings on business venture "Rent-a-Sombrero" You've got a summer place in Tora Bora For some reason, your television will only show those annoying Howie Long/Teri Hatcher Radio Shack commercials Your hope bald, fat guys would become the "in" thing in 2002 hasn't panned out Top Ten Signs The FedEx Guy Is In Love With You: Message on lawn spells out "Be mine" in styrofoam peanuts He says, "Sign here," and hands you a pre-nup No other delivery guy hands you your letters on one knee Always forgets his clipboard so you have to sign on his back His hugs always last longer than the UPS guy's Top Ten Things People Scream At The Television Screen While Watching "Larry King Live": "Be funnier!" (Sorry, that's what people say when they watch this program) "Oh no! I taped 'Larry King Live' instead of 'Scrubs'!" "Yes, Dark Overlord! Send more secret signals that tell me your command!" "Oh no, zombies have taken over the airwaves!" "Why is Jason Alexander doing KFC commercials?" Top Ten Headlines Involving Presidents and Snack Foods: Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Open This Bag of Chee-tos" McKinley Hit By Stray Cornnut, Not Expected To Live LBJ: "I Shall Not Seek, Nor Shall I Accept a Hostess Cupcake" Nixon Announces Peace Pact Between Frito and Lay Coolidge Won't Run Again; Prefers To Stay Home and Eat Triscuits Top Ten Ways To Make Military Life More Fun: Instead of the boxy old Humvees, how about a few thousand of those slick Pontiac Azteks Make every Wednesday "crazy hat day" Reveille at eleven hundred hours sharp Thursday night -- huge Boggle tournament against neighboring base From now on, everyone's a 4-star general Night-vision goggles that also enable you to see people naked Top Ten Surprises In Last Night's State of the Union Address: "Axis of Evil" includes Iran, Iraq and Hasslehoff Plan to stimulate the economy included printing more McDonaldland coupons Secret Service frisked everyone at the door to make sure no pretzels got in Quaker State Motor Oil didn't pay for all those mentions -- the President just felt very strongly about it It was full of coded threats at Belgium Bush was introduced by the "Let's get ready to rumble" guy Top Ten Reasons I Love America: Free refills It's got the greatest Navy in the world! Thanks to our nation's radio stations, while the rest of the world has "October," we have "Rocktober" Every year an American team wins the Super Bowl Hardly anyone speaks Swedish, which is good because I don't understand Swedish The St. Louis Arch makes a convenient carrying handle for the whole continent Other countries may have cheese -- we have Cheese Whiz American know-how lets me shampoo and condition at the same time Top Ten Highlights Of Dave Letterman's Career:: September 4th, 1983: Takes night off, sees "Cats" for first of what will become 172 performances February 28th, 1994: When a Stupid Human Trick goes awry, Dave gets bitten in the ass by a monkey Top Ten Super Bowl Moments: The gala pre-game dance extravaganza "Tribute to Bookies" Bill Belichick's win is bittersweet after losing the $100 he bet on the Rams Terry Bradshaw's duet with Paul McCartney -- most awkward TV moment since I hosted the Academy Awards Pat Summerall's touching farewell, "Why the hell are you bastards firing me?" Top Ten Taliban Complaints About Camp X-Ray: "Humid Cuban air makes beard all frizzy" "No place to sit and contemplate mass murder in peace and quiet" "Prison guard made us watch U2 at halftime instead of switching to Playmates on 'Fear Factor'" "You mutter one little 'Death to America,' the guards get all in your face" "The sauna's relaxing, but the deep-tissue massage leaves something to be desired" "Too many celebrities trying to detox from drugs" "If they catch you sneaking across the lake to girl's camp, they call your parents!" Top Ten Cool Things About Being In The Air Force: They let you sleep really late, drink on the job, and punch out whenever you feel like it They recently fitted every F-16 with an EZ Pass It's the best way to become an astronaut without giving a billion dollars to Russia Thanks to low APR financing, in just 36 months you can own an F-16 You drive an '89 Ford Focus -- I drive a hypersonic global range strike-aircraft The electronics gear makes noises sort of like the computers in "Star Trek" You know how airlines give you one free pack of honey-roasted peanuts? We get four Third-year pilots are allowed to turn off computers and "use the Force" instead Telling chicks, "Uh, yeah, I was the guy in 'Top Gun'" Top Ten Reasons I Joined The Marines: In high school, voted "Most Likely To Join The Marines" When I was an infant my first words were Semper Fi I'm fond of the word "flotilla" Believe it or not, before the marines, I weighed 830 pounds Hard-core training made me less afraid of spiders 11 compact discs for only a penny? I'd be crazy not to join! Food, folks and fun Top Ten Ways To Make Curling More Exciting: Everybody rides angry monkeys I don't know, call it "Extreme Curling" Play on lake that may or may not be frozen through New rule: fail to align the rock delivery with the skip's broom, do a shot! Hollow out the curling stone and fill it with pudding Put a hungry bear on the ice Top Ten Ways New York City Is Different When This Guy's (Deputy Mayor) In Charge: Casual Fridays as well as casual Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday Only official in city hall to take donuts as bribes That weird guy who wanders through Times Square shouting obscenities finally has a voice in office City holiday declared for out of shape bald guys For some reason, the Statue of Liberty has a five o'clock shadow Top Ten Leftover Top Ten Entries: Andy Rooney's got sick skills on the halfpipe Can't help but notice the skating judge has one of those "Gorbachev things" on her forehead "Get the Pentagon! The President's locked himself in the kitchen with a bag of Rold Gold!" Winning the medal was easy. Finding a beer in Utah was the hard part Osama bin Lipton Flintstones Chewable Anthrax Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At T.G.I. Friday's: "I just learned the Heimlich Maneuver, so feel free to choke on something" "Hey look, it's Mr. Table for One!" "No women? I'm shocked!" Top Ten Things People Said As They Watched "Baby Bob": "Honey, maybe we shouldn't have kids" "I'm sorry for what I did, but he really should've given me the remote" Top Ten Signs You've Been Watching Too Much Basketball: You always leave an extra place setting in the off chance Jim Nantz stops by You've heard of Murray State Lately you've been watching CBS more than your grandparents Top Ten Things Best Supporting Actor Jim Broadbent Did Today: Saw Tom Cruise, went over to say hello, got roughed up by beefy security guards Only had to wait 5 minutes for a table at T.G.I. Friday's Had the Academy re-engrave his Academy Award so it no longer reads, "Jim Something" Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Isn't Ready For The Regular Season: Heart and soul of the team is the stadium beer vendor Pre-game locker room ritual consists of telling scary stories and braiding each other's hair Pitcher keeps chewing the ball and throwing tobacco The first ball thrown out by former President Jimmy Carter is 30 miles per hour faster than your staff So far team has suffered three groin pulls in the clubhouse Top Ten April Fool's Pranks In Afghanistan: While he's sleeping, put friend's hand in bowl of warm sand Ordering 30 falafels delivered to secret Al-Qaeda hideout Top Ten Robert Blake Defenses: Distraught over cancellation of "Ally McBeal" "There's a law against murder? Hey, I'm not a lawyer." Top Ten New Features Of Camp Delta: Branch of popular chain restaurant Thank-Allah-It's Friday's Spectacular wildlife like a cockroach or a raccoon Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear In Central Park: "Has anyone seen Mayor Bloomberg -- I'm supposed to sell him some primo weed." "It's me -- Spider-Man! I need your help!" "Are you the guy from the escort service?" "Run for your lives -- the squirrels are attacking!" Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair With Spider-Man: She's been sleeping in a silk-spun cocoon Never minded the Green Goblin, but now it's suddenly "The Green Goblin's such a bastard" The topic is "Help! Spider-Man's nailing my wife" and you're the only guest It's the only logical conclusion, if you know she's having an affair with Tobey Maguire Top Ten Surprises In The New Star Wars Film: R2-D2 and C3PO actually have sex Federation is divided over whether or not to let Darth Trump build condos on forest moon of Endor Yoda's constant "knock knock" jokes Futuristic square pancakes Top Ten Other Unconfirmed Rumors About Mike Piazza: You know this picture?
(classic blurry photo of Bigfoot from 1967)
That's him. Once had sex with the Phillie Phanatic Top Ten Signs Phil Jackson Is Truly A Zen Master: Can frequently be spotted hovering several feet above Lakers bench Top Ten Ways The Mafia Can Improve Its Image: Dispose of bodies in an ecologically-sensitive way New requirement for getting "made": 20 hours service at an animal shelter Top Ten Things India And Pakistan Agree On: "Is there something about that talking baby show on CBS that we're just not getting?" "Seinfeld is much funnier in Tamil than Gujarati." Top Ten Responsibilities Of The U.S. Army's 3rd Infantry Regiment (Old Guard): We write the songs that make the whole world sing Keep the White House lawn gopher-free Top Ten Good Things About Being Cryogenically Frozen: If your final wish was to spend eternity with a few packages of Birdseye frozen peas, no problem A box of baking soda insures no unpleasant freezer odors Top Ten Perks Of Being Saddam Hussein's Stepson: No problem getting a reservation in any of Iraq's two restaurants When Dad's the Supreme Leader, you can always get an extra helping of macaroni salad at picnics Hand-me-downs means a fortune saved in berets You get lots of birthday presents when Dad is married to 43 women If the Globetrotters ever visit Iraq, you'll probably get a ticket Can always top your buddies when talk turns to "My stepfather's such a jerk" Top Ten Interesting Facts About Air Conditioning: Despite being one of the world's great composers, Ludwig Von Beethoven never owned air conditioning Intel CEO Andrew Grove predicts that by 2010 air conditioners will be the size of a pack of smokes Top Ten Little Known Facts About The Snakehead Fish: Was forced to live in lakes after losing everything investing in Worldcom Tastes just like fish, but a little more snaky Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Think We Should Do About The Asteroid: Call in sick that day Relax, Dr. Phil will think of something Who the hell are you calling "dumb," you bastard? Top Ten Perks Of Being Osama Bin Laden's Son: Get to call Mullah Omar "Uncle Moe" Osama's eight wives = something different for dinner every night of the week Always up for going out back to toss around the ol' goatskin You always get the "Camper of the Week" trophy at his terrorist training camps If you find a scrap of food in his beard, he lets you have it Top Ten Good Things About Being Obese: You can always get a job as a weatherman Frequent heart attacks make you V.P. material You'd be surprised how many Penthouse playmates list "obesity" as turn-on If you trip and fall on a deadly rattlesnake, you'll probably kill it Top Ten Reasons New York Is The Greatest City In The World: Where else can you pay 80 bucks to see a Broadway show inspired by Abba? If your watch is stolen, you can buy it back on the street Where else can you find a 100 million dollar baseball team in last place Voted "Best Place To Get Drunk And Watch Balloons On Thanksgiving" Hungry? You can get a pretzel for right around 8 dollars The New York Yankees have won the last 40 World Series Top Ten Ways To Tick Off Buzz Aldrin: Refer to his wife as "Uhura" Call him by his real first name, Oprah Mistakenly call him "Fuzz" Aldrin Ask when's the last time he landed on the moon Top Ten Good Things About Being Named "Pepe": Chance to become first President Pepe Friends can call you "Pe" for short If you're appointed to the Supreme Court and someone says "I agree with Pepe" nobody will ask "Which Pepe?" In October guys named Pepe eat free at participating Red Lobster restaurants

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