Top 10 Extra: Least Valuable Sports Memorabilia
Al Unser Jr.'s collection of fireproof dickies.
A Lawrence Taylor-autographed crack vial.
Floss used by Mike Tyson after he bit Holyfield's ear.
Complete set of pulled groins from the 1998 Mets.
Michael Jordan's personal three hundred gallon tank of Michael Jordan cologne.
Autographed George Steinbrenner pink slip.
1999 Bulls tickets.
The bowl used to give Pete Rose a haircut.
Cal Ripken's 3,612th consecutive lost hair.
George Steinbrenner's 10,000th white turtleneck.
Bag of assorted teeth from 1973 New York Islanders
Top Ten Items In The Dennis Rodman-Carmen Electra Prenuptial Agreement
When "Martha Stewart Living" is on, everything else in Dennis' world stops.
In the event of divorce, she keeps the silicone.
As soon as he sobers up, the wedding is off.
Enough excuses about the "lock out," he's gotta go out and find himself a job!
They must never go to a restaurant wearing the same dress.
Yearly eyeliner expenditures for the couple cannot exceed $300,000.
Dresses must be clearly marked "His" or "Hers."
They go to his family for Rosh Hashanah and her family for Yom Kippur.
Honeymoon to coincide with Rodman's next ten-game suspension.
Regardless of gender of children, they will be raised as girls.
In the unlikely event of a divorce...ah, who are we kidding, of course there's gonna be a divorce!
As long as the NBA lockout continues, Dennis is available to get items down from high shelves.
Dennis must give Carmen two weeks notice before officially changing his sex.
Top Ten University Classes Taught By Oprah Winfrey
"You're My All-Time Favorite Actor!": A Seminar On What To Say To Celebrities
Feigning Interest In Celebrities' Stories About Rough Childhoods
How To Eat Whatever You Want And Gain Weight At The Same Time!
The U.S. Dollar - Why I'm Happy I Have One Billion Of Them
Jerry Orbach, Gary Busey and Other Guests I Don't Like Touching
How To Gain, Lose, Gain, Lose, Gain, Lose And Gain
Massive Amounts of Weight in 6 Weeks Then Lose It All And Gain It Back
How To Act In Movies - It's Surprisingly Easy
Big, Beautiful Women's Studies
Phat ot Fat?
Things I Can Buy That You Can't
Harpo: "Oprah" Backwards, Get It?
Top Ten Signs The Stress Is Getting To Santa
Instead of traditional "Ho-Ho-Ho," liberal use of the "M-F" hyphenate
Carved "Naughty or Nice" list into his forearm with a
Giving every kid West of Mississippi box of carpet tacks
In exploratory talks about turning whole operation over
to Pillsbury Doughboy
Demanded that the Times publish his 45,000-word manifesto
on how Christmas has become too dependent on technology
This year, every kid on the planet is getting a pinecone
wrapped in aluminum foil
Instead of red hat with white trim, wearing a crumpled mass
of Scotch tape and ribbon
Recently tried to use elf as hand puppet
Instead of making toys ordering everything from Amazon.com
He's making a list, and checking it 3,000 times
Wakes up in the middle of the night sweating slightly more
Has been saying kids are naughty just so he doesn't have
to make their toys
Top Ten Other Things To Worry About Now That Y2K Is Over
Is it a prolem that it's January and it's 106 degrees outside?
The quiet and steady growth of Luxembourg's nuclear arsenal
Four days later, out of control flames are still shooting out of Eiffel Tower
On February 29, all microwave ovens will play "Bad, Bad Leroy Brown"
What if goldfish are really evil, and just waiting for the right moment to strike?
Many Osmond women still in their childbearing years
The yawning void left by ABC's cancellation of "It's Like, You Know"
Yeltsin remembers having the nuclear codes at his going-away party, but that's it
If Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez break up, what hope is there
for the rest of us?
Kevin Costner may direct another movie
Any day now, Ricky Martin will make a very stunning announcement
Growing income disparity between wealthiest and poorest Baldwin brothers
Youth of Britney Spears means she'll be singing for decades to come
Top Ten Boris Yeltsen Resolutions
Get into weekly schedule of working out, suffering heart attack, having bypass
Finally get around to reading that "Ya-Ya Sisterhood" book
Construct raft out of worthless rubles, get the hell out of Russia
Try a goatee again
Cut back on the internet porn
Finally admit to the world that he died in 1996
Finally kill moose and squirrel
Always wanted to see Dollywood, never went
Put comical Groucho glasses on preserved corpse of Lenin
Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Amusement Park
Only "ride" is a beat-up Buick Sylark that's missing a muffler
Carousel music is Ozzy Osbourne's "Suicide Solution"
Only game of skill is "Can you hold your breath underwater for five minutes?"
70 million mice and not one of them named "Mickey"
After four hours on line you realize the "ride" is getting your driver's license renewed
As you get on the Ferris Wheel, the operator asks, "You're not a lawyer, are you?"
The bumper cars are gaily-colored supermarket carts.
Top Ten Things Hillary Clinton Whispered To Me Before The Interview
"If things don't go well, I'm going to deport Paul."
"No questions about my gambling problem."
What's our name again?"
Yes I did receive the poem you sent me, and I turned it over to the FBI."
"God damn, Dave, you look like a leftover piece of jerky."
So, this is New York."
"I got some good advice on how to handle you from Madonna."
Let's make this quick - Bill freaks if I'm not home by 8."
Top Ten Most Popular TV Shows at the Vatican
"Cloister of Five"
"Heavily Edited South Park"
"Just Crucify Me!"
"Dear John 3:16"
"Buffy the Atheist Slayer"
"Two Guys, A Girl, The Son of God, and a Pizza Place"
"Everybody Loves Abstinence"
"Just Bless Me!"
"Cardinal Richelieu, The Protestant Slayer"
"World's Wildest Exorcisms"
"Dharma & Gregorian Chants"
"I Dream of Jesus"
"My Three Nuns"
"The Infallible Guy"
"Celibate in the City"
"Everybody Elevates Raymond to Sainthood"
Top Ten Star Wars' Fans Complaints About The New Movie
Distracting the way young Vader's parents keep buying him "Star Wars" action figures.
Obi Wan would never set propulsion unit to 715,296, he would set it to 715,297.
Earlier generations of spaceships can't exceed 45 miles per hour.
Jabba didn't seem as hutty as I remember.
After every special effect actors would look into camera and say, "Pretty cool, huh?"
Obi Wan Kenobi would never use the word "jiggy."
Why does Harvey Keitel have to get naked in every movie?
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Lifeguard
"I'm really working on getting over my fear of water"
"Anyone wearing a bathing suit like yours deserves to drown"
"You're on your own -- I'm allergic to chlorine"
"Me and Annie the CPR doll have a date tonight"
"Man, I think I ate too much sunblock"
"The safest place in this pool is on my lap"
"My third day on the job and I've only lost 16 people"
"Would you go to the bottom of the deep end and see if the dead guy is still there?"
"Release the barracudas!"
"You'll never guess where I hide my whistle"
"I'd go in the pool but the water might rust the metal plate in my head"
"Hey pal, would you lotion some of the harder-to-reach places for me?"
Tiger Woods' Top Ten Pet Peeves
Having to shake hands with Jack Nicklaus - now that's one sweaty sumbitch
That whole "acting excited" thing after every victory can get tiresome
The tribe still hasn't kicked that naked fat guy off the island
Jerks who yell "G-r-r-r-reat!" at me
Hard to feel cool playing sport where word "birdie" is used so prominently
Still never gotten ball in the clown's mouth at local miniature golf course
Getting stuck next to Arnold Palmer in the showers
Top Ten Ways To Tick Off Alex Trebek
Fail to have your dog spayed or neutered (sorry, that's a way to tick off Bob Barker)
Say "You look familiar - ever do gay adult movies?"
Pronouncing "Abdou Diouf" without the proper Senegalese accent
Keep pressing button, complain that "the morphine drip isn't working."
Change every fifth word on his answer note cards to "corndog."
Announce that because of the weak Canadian exchange rate,
his IQ has been lowered to 89.
Point to yourself as you ask, "Who just nailed Mrs. Trebek?"
Top Ten Answers To The Question, "How Boring Was George W. Bush's Speech?"
It was so boring, border patrol reported for the first time people stopped trying to sneak into the country
It was so boring, people only applauded to cover up Chuck Schumer's snoring
It was so boring, Nixon's corpse would have done better
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Puff Daddy Trial
"On the night of December 27, 1999, were you at any point waving your hands in the air like you just didn't care?"
"Would you describe that particualar night in the club as 'phat,' 'slammin',' or 'off the hook'?"
"I hear this whole trial is just an excuse so Puffy doesn't have to go see 'The Wedding Planner'"
"And could you tell the court just how hot Jennifer Lopez looks naked?"
"Please state for the court your current level of street cred"
Top Ten Election Issues Important To Dumb Guys
Make lotto easier to win
Send someone up to fix the ozone layer with duct tape and a caulking gun
Whether "Three Stooges" marathons should include episodes with Shemp
There's such a short amount of time between soup being too hot and soup being too cold
New law requiring thumbtacks to have pointy end clearly labeled
The Y2K bug...we ain't out of the woods yet, Pepe!
Top Ten Things Overheard Last Night at the Florida Election Commission
"I don't have my glasses. Does that read 'Bush' or 'Buchanan'?"
"For some reason the Gore ballots make better airplanes"
"Instead of counting the ballots, can't I just weigh them?"
"No, Mr. Nader, you may not help us count"
"Boy. Stacking ballots sure is hard work... Lemme turn on this enormous fan."
"I'm drunker than George W. Bush"
"They didn't give us napkins for our spare ribs. Here, use these ballots"
"You know what would make this small unventilated room more fun? An open can of paint!"
"Look, wherever we're at by midnight, let's just call it and go home in time for 'M*A*S*H'"
"Man, this Playstation 2 is awesome!"
"That's adorable! A ballot-eating dog!"
"Let's see, that's 1 million for Bush, 1 million for Gore and 14 million for Burt Reynolds"
Top Ten Ways The United States Would Be Different Without A President
To launch political career, Hillary forced to marry King of Norway
Teachers would say, "America is a place where any child can grow up and be...an accountant"
Desperate for money, Socks does nude pictorial in "Cat Fancy" magazine
State of the Union address delivered by real leader of United States, Regis Philbin
Instead of being on "The West Wing," Martin Sheen would be stuck playing a dead guy on "Diagnosis Murder"
For complicated Constitutional reasons, America would be represented at summit meetings by Ed Asner
In time of international unrest, soldiers ordered into combat by guy who played Colonel Potter on "M*A*S*H"
Goodbye President's Day mattress sale, hello Cher's Birthday mattress sale
Bill Clinton would get no action whatsoever
Top Ten Things Overheard During the Gore/Clinton Fight
"Are you kidding, Al? Even I didn't vote for you!"
"Yeah? Well, at least my wife and I still sleep in the smae bed!"
"Would you please ask her to stop doing that while I'm talking to you?"
"I pretended to be sorry, Al - isn't that enough?"
"You want a definition for 'is'? My foot 'is' gonna be up your ass!"
"If you could've gotten all the women you've slept with to vote, I would've won in a landslide!"
"And another thing - your saxophone playing sucks!"
Top Ten Messages On Steven Segal's Answering Machine
"When are you going to make "E.T. II," jerk?"
"Wow, you've got an answering machine! Guess you must be doing all right for yourself."
"Hey Steve, it's your acting coach. Tomorrow, we're going to work on a third facial expression."
"What do you mean I have ten seconds to leave a message or you'll kick my ass?"
"Good news...that waiter who dropped your nachos is out of intensive care."
"Coming from a guy who loves both bad acting and kicking, I must say your movie has it all!"
"This must have really flexed your acting muscles - portraying a moody cop who plays by his own rules."
Top Ten Least Impressive David Copperfield Tricks
Taping "Friends" while watching "Survivor"
Turning an ordinary piece of bread into toast
Sixty minutes of your life vanishes before your very eyes
The Tornado of Hats
Hypnotizing supermodels to go out with him (sorry, that's his most impressive trick)
Ruining the image of a beloved Charles Dickens character
Top Ten Signs There's Something Wrong At The Gap (May 31, 2001)
The strange old man who greets customers at door by saying, "Hello, I am Bill Gap. Welcome to my store."
Recent spate of closings has left only 3 Gaps for every American
Dressing rooms now being rented out as $2,000-a-month studio apartments
Have to share a dressing room with a small family of raccoons
Top Ten Excuses Of The Gun-Toting Yankees Fan (June 5, 2001)
"I'm a plump white guy desperate to gain some kind of gangsta hip-hop street cred"
"Um...I'm James Bond?"
"In a city where Puff Daddy is still walking the streets, the question should be, 'Why aren't you carrying a gun?'"
"With concession prices so high, it makes more sense to just shoot and eat a pigeon"
"Unlike most fans, I'm not concealing my weapon"
Top Ten Other Television Shows Produced by Saddam Hussein (June 12, 2001)
"WKRP In Alsulaimaniya"
"Informing On Friends"
Top Ten Signs It's Time For A Clown To Retire (June 13, 2001)
He lives alone with 100 cat-shaped animal balloons
He won't do children's parties after 3:30 because it conflicts with dinner
That clown's name -- David Michael Letterman
Red foam rubber nose: delightful. Red foam rubber dentures: creepy.
His liver spots are larger than his suit's polka dots
Top Ten Things Overheard Yesterday In Central Park
- "Remember the good old days when you came to Central park and you just had to worry about getting mugged?"
- "Ah, the bucolic splendor of nature's breathtaking...hey look, a naked fat guy!"
- "Oh great, now that pain-in-the-ass Giuliani is going to outlaw pet alligators, too"
- "This alligator brings an element of danger to what is otherwise the safest park in the world"
Top Ten Signs Your Teacher Is A Witch
- If you're home sick, an angry flying monkey shows up to collect your homework
- The class smart-aleck hasn't had much to say since the day his head turned into a beachball
- Your civics homework came back with the note "Nice job -- have you ever considered devoting yourself to the Dark Lord?"
- She stares into a shiny ball then says, "I want everyone to write a report about the earthquake that will occur tomorrow"
- Every history lesson, she conjures up ghost of a different president
Top Ten Other Signs That Castro Is Not Well
- During recent speech said, "Communism. Boy, I really had my head up my ass on that one, huh?"
- His end-of-rally breakdancing is a pathetic shadow of its former glory
- We haven't seen him in a while and lately Cuban cigars have been tasting kind of funny
Top Ten Possible Top Ten Topics For Thursday
- Top Ten Signs You Have A Bad Robot Child
- Top Ten Things Our Audience Would Rather Be Doing Right Now
- Top Ten Numbers Between 1 and 5
- Top Ten Features Of Dick Cheney's New Pacemaker
Top Ten Things A New York City Chef Doesn't Want To Hear In His Kitchen
- "I don't think you're cooking the pork long enough -- three diners swear they're seeing purple monkeys"
- "Mmm, delicious! And to think a mere two hours ago, this was lying in the middle of I-95"
- "You know what this dish needs -- more gumballs"
- "Behold my latest creation -- Triscuits with salami"
- "The floor is clean enough to eat off of, right?"
- "Everybody come look! The cat had a litter!"
- "If I find one more finger in the gravy, I'll have a whole hand"
- "True, your sneeze was wetter, but mine got more distance"
Top Ten Lifeguard Pet Peeves
- People who get mad when you explain you can't save them for twenty minutes because you just ate
- When you put on a few pounds and people just start calling you "Hasselhoff"
- When swimmers are left helpless because you were busy appearing on a lame TV show
- Everyone assumes you've made a sex tape with Tommy Lee
- Making $30,000 a year and spending $35,000 a year on Coppertone
- Because of global warming, we now have twice as much ocean to cover
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Gas Station Attendant
- "Been almost a whole day now without an explosion"
- "I hope you don't mind...I just keyed my girlfriend's initials in the side of your car"
- "Are you paying cash, credit...or hugs?"
- "This magic gas will make your car fly like a spaceship!"
- "When we say full service, we mean full service, big boy"
- (Taking out a cigarette) "Got a light?"
Top Ten New York City Tourist Questions
- "Why the hell did you elect Hillary?"
- "Do hookers take traveler's checks?"
- "Why does my shish kebab have a beak?"
Top Ten Ways Gary Condit Can Improve His Image
- Give Connie Chung an "exclusive," if you know what I mean
- Blame it all on the poorly-designed ballots
- Remind voters that there have been many days when he wasn't questioned by police
- Have sex with pie like the zany "American Pie" gang
Top Ten Signs A Little Leaguer Is Too Old
- His "Gatorade" smells a lot like Jack Daniels
- While team members are warming up on the field, he's shaving
- Underneath uniform, wears "World's Greatest Dad" T-shirt
- He remembers a World Series the Yankees didn't win
- He talks a lot more about his mortgage than the other kids
- Crudely-altered birth certificate tries to establish that he was born with gray hair
Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your New College Roommate
- "I'll take the top bunk, you take the bottom bunk, and mommy can sleep on this cot"
- "The lab is pretty crowded, mind if I dissect this cadaver in here?"
- "You want me to fire up one of these John Tesh CDs?"
- "If the cops ask, I was in the dorm all morning with you"
- "Touch my accordian and I'll kill you"
Top Ten Signs You've Had A Bad Summer
- The deer ticks aren't biting because they don't want to catch anything
- You've been knocked unconscious by eleven different Barry Bonds homeruns
- You're spending the last day of summer watching some talk-show moron play with his tie
- Family informs you, "We didn't send you to camp to make new friends --we simply don't love you"
Top Ten Things That Almost Rhyme With Hat
- Orrin Hatch
Top Ten Baseball Euphemisms For Sex
- Corking your bat
- Going between Buckner's legs
- Putting on the squeeze play
- Getting A-Rod's autograph
- Sweeping the A's
- Playing in on the grass
- Touching them all
- Taking the screwball deep
- Grabbing some wood in the dugout
- Toeing the rubber
- Stealing home
- Playing the stadium organ
Top Ten Magician Pet Peeves
- The sad realization no grown man should be doing card tricks
- You hire a beautiful young female assistant, and it turns out she's allergic to sequins
- Smart-asses who say, "'s not my card," when you know damn well it is
- After sex, women who ask, " why do they call you 'The Great'?"
- When your supermodel wife realizes how creepy you are and leaves you
Top Ten Signs Your Wife Is Having An Affair With The Jolly Green Giant
- You find credit card receipt from the "Really, Really, Really Big & Tall Men's Shop"
- Complains that your hair isn't "leafy" enough
- You pick up the phone and hear man with deep voice say, "Ho, ho...uh, wrong number"
- Your bedroom has the faint odor of creamed corn
- Sometimes she stares into the freezer for hours
- The giant's not the only one who's been jollier recently
- You're pretty sure the spinach-leaf tunic under the bed isn't yours
Top Ten Things People Say To Me, Dave, When They See Me On The Street
- "Wow, it's Paul Shaffer's sidekick!"
- "For the love of god, put on a pair of pants"
- "Can you tell us how we get tickets...to 'Rosie'?"
- "Put some clothes on, freak"
Top Ten Messages Left On Miss America's Answering Machine
- "Larry, just want to make sure you're recovering from the operation."
- "You're my daughter so I'm proud of you, but honestly the pageant blows."
- "This is Con Ed. I guess Miss America's too good to pay her electric bill."
- "It's Charlie Sheen. I guess you didn't get my last five messages. Call me."
- "Bobby here. You didn't think I was really breaking up with you last Fall, did you? It was a joke!"
- "This is your ex-boyfriend. Remember those photos we took? Call me."
- "It's Tony Danza, I misread the card, it turns out Miss Georgia won. Me bad."
Top Ten Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Buying A Monkey
- "Should I really be buying a monkey from a guy in a van by the side of the interstate?"
- "Will I get my money back if my monkey tries to take over the earth like in that 'Planet of the Apes' movie?"
- "Do I really want to be known as 'that weird monkey guy'?"
- "Did I remember to bring my 'Tenth monkey is free!' card?"
- "Is the local market well-stocked with rotten fruit and tree insects?"
- "Will they offer me a decent trade-in on my gibbon?"
- "Can't I just make my own in the garage?"
Top Ten Words
Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is Possessed By The Ghost Of Abraham Lincoln
- On his birthday, all of the other neighborhood dogs take the day off
- He finds your wallet, chews everything to pieces but the five-dollar bills
- Gazes nostalgically for hours at bottle of Log Cabin syrup
Top Ten Ways To Describe Bacon
- The other brownish meat
- The "B" in "BLT"
Little-Known Words Coined By The Guy Who First Said "Guesstimate"
Top Ten Calls Received By The Fig Newtons Complaint Line
- "What's the best way to remove fig stains from my carpet?"
- "My grandfather said his favorite food was 'Fig Newtons' -- that's when we knew it was time to put Grandpa in a home"
Top Ten Things I, Dave, Say In A Typical Weekend
- "Another fine barn raising, my Amish brethren"
- "I'd like to report nine more UFO sightings"
- "Let's see what Garfield's up to today"
- "Is there any more puddin'?"
Top Ten Ways Osama Bin Laden Can Improve His Image
- 10. There's no way he can improve his image. He's a murdering, soul-less asshole
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