Top Ten Signs Dick Clark Is Losing His Mind: 10. Starts the countdown to New Years at 500,000 seconds Brian G., Milwaukee, WI 9. Has eaten nothing but cheesecake since 1997 Hadley J., Sydney, Australia 8. After subscribing to 30 magazines, he really thinks he has a shot at winning the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes Nicole H., Keystone Heights, FL 7. Applies only one coat of foundation to his face instead of his usual seven David A., Royal Oak, MI 6. Is now openly admitting to finding Bea Arthur attractive Kevin N., Watertown, CT 5. Honestly thinks he's "got a shot" with Britney Mary Ellen D., Andover, MA 4. Planned New Years get-together with George Harrison, John Lennon and Elvis Mark A., Erie, PA 3. Announced his intention to propose marriage to Ed McMahon Robert W., Muskogee, OK 2. Three words: "The Other Half" Ray H., Washington, DC 1. Walks around Times Square saying, "Wanna see my balls drop?" Tom G., Winona, MN

Top Ten Least-Popular Lord of the Rings Novels: 10. "The Fellowship Of The Virgin 35-Year Old Men Living In Their Parents' Basement" Eric S., Milwaukee, WI 9. "What's The Deal With My Creepy Feet?" -- An autobiography by Frodo Patrick A., Cranston, RI 8. "Larry King: Lord Of The Wedding Rings" Sara Jo D., Houston, TX 7. "Frodo Joins The Taliban" Frank L., Knoxville, TN 6. "Frodo Bitch-Slaps Harry Potter" John T., Berkeley, CA 5. "My Life In Tights, by Michael Flatley" (sorry, that's an unpopular Lord of the Dance novel) Brian E., Norristown, PA 4. "Three-Hundred-Twenty Pages Of Magic 'N Crap" Keith R., West Hartford, CT 3. "Two And A Half Hours Is Longer Than I Thought" Nick N., The Woodlands, TX 2. "Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of Siegfried & Roy" Sri F., Temple, TX 1. "How To Steal Rings" by Winona Ryder David B., Chadler, AZ Top Ten Excuses Of Enron Executives: 10. Carrot Top misled us about how much money we could really save on collect calls Lain H., Jackson, MS 9. We expected more revenue from the gumball machine in the lobby Rob R., Hollywood, FL 8. That's what happens when you allow casual dress on Fridays Jim P., Milan, IL 7. Do you know how much country club dues are these days? John and Wendy D., Houston, TX 6. You inhale natural gas for 20 years and see how you do Brian F., Kingsport, TN 5. That Miss Cleo may be great at fixing relationships but she really sucks at investment strategies Billy H., Nashville, TN 4. It was either maintain a successful conglomerate or have a kickass Christmas party Alex W., Boston, MA 3. Thought "Arthur Anderson" was the best accounting firm "because their name came first in the yellow pages" Kevin C., Culver City, CA 2. People think hookers and whiskey are cheap -- lemme tell ya, hookers and whiskey ain't cheap BoxJam ., Glenview, IL 1. We were eating pretzels. Next thing we knew the company was in shambles Tom R., Springfield, VA Top Ten Ways K-Mart Can Improve Business: 10. Put a waving clown by the street to direct shoppers in. Everybody loves clowns. Bryan G., Raytown, MO 9. Create new slogan: "It's the same as Wal-mart, just with a K" James F., Ellicott City, MD 8. Blue Light Specials: Out. Red Light Districts: In. George O., New Bern, NC 7. Every tenth customer gets a lap dance from Martha Stewart Jaime P., Las Vegas, NV 6. Spread rumor that Wal-Mart and Target are owned by the Taliban Joe B., Maple, Valley 5. Hire a top-notch accounting firm like Arthur Andersen Richard H., Worcester, MA 4. Goodbye, Martha Stewart Collection. Hello, Pauly Shore Collection. William K., Saratoga Springs, NY 3. Less price checks. More pants checks. Jon V., Denver, CO 2. Alert Ms. Ryder that she needs to pay for some of that merchandise Lincoln B., Rockford, IL 1. Rethink policy of selling really cheap crap Les H., Muikamachi, Japan Top Ten Mike Tyson Excuses: 10. My bulging neck muscles steal oxygen meant for my brain Keith B., Wheeling, WV 9. Still distraught about the cancellation of "Wolf Lake" Kyle H., Bryan, OH 8. Leg of lamb...leg of man...close enough for me! John S., Wilmington 7. Got exposed to gamma radiation like that "Hulk" dude Dave L., Dayton, OH 6. Expressing anger after finding out there is no Santa Beth W., Waterloo, Ontario 5. Entire life savings tied up in Enron stock Lee S., Madison, WI 4. Just teething a new gold tooth Jim Taylor., Seattle, WA 3. Thought Lennox Lewis was a member of the Taliban Grant R., Weyauwega, WI 2. What can I say, I just like to bite people Randy R., Milwaukee, WI 1. I work for Don King...what the hell do you expect? Bruce W., Boiling Springs, PA Top Ten Ways Dave's Show Has Changed In The Last 20 Years: 10. Lame 50-year old jokes now lame 70-year old jokes Jay S., Columbus, OH 9. Dave's hair no longer wildlife habitat Wes B., Manhattan, KS 8. Ridiculously cold studio temperature spawned lucrative subsidiary meat packing business Larry M., Woodland Hills, CA 7. Dozens more viewers! Kim E., Los Angeles, CA 6. Heart defibrillators now under each audience member's seat Joseph M., Haddonfield, NJ 5. Despite lame content, Top Ten List graphics better than ever Dale B., Sacramento, CA 4. Biff Henderson replaced with clone in 1997 Patrick C., Brooklyn, NY 3. Team of talented writers replaced by team of talented cardiac surgeons Joe A., Pittsburgh, PA 2. Chimpanzee sidekick fired after viciously mauling Richard Simmons Gus S., Sacramento, CA 1. Same crap, different network Hewitt H., Stow, MA Top Ten Rejected Winter Olympic Events: 10. 4-Man Jihad Bob M., Cincinnati, OH 9. Freestyle Accounting Paul B., Athens, OH 8. Anne Heche's Bi-Athalon Craig C., Glen Cove, NY 7. Four-Men-Named-Bob Bobsled Mark V., New York, NY 6. Enron Speed Shredding Bryan G., Raytown, MO 5. Mormon husband and multiple wives figure skating Peter M., West Milford, NJ 4. Winona Ryder's Olympic Village Pillage Jamie O'S., Brooklyn, NY 3. Curling. Oh wait, that is an event Jimmi F., Farwell, MI 2. Hockey Dad Fighting Joe K., Watertown, MA 1. Oprah Jumping Chris G., Columbus, OH Top Ten Excuses of the French Olympic Skating Judge: 10. Thought she was voting for Al Gore Andrew R., Elkton, MD 9. Forgot that bribery was only for Olympic officials, not judges Benny M., Walnut Creek, CA 8. Thought Canada was part of the "Axis of Evil" Deborah W., Cambridge, MA 7. Bribe included autographed Jerry Lewis coffee mug Dale J., Lake Isabella, CA 6. Used Arthur Andersen to tabulate her score Trevor A., Calgary, Alberta 5. Wanted to hear Scott Hamilton throw a hissy fit Brian P., Maple Grove, MN 4. Mistook Russian stumbling for exciting new choreography Richard K., Kenosha, WI 3. Sale and Pelletier? Thought they said Bin Laden and Omar Mark L., Clearwater, FL 2. You think hockey dads are rough, try dealing with Russian figure skating dads Greg S., Westlake Village, CA 1. "I'm French" Naomi B., Oscoda, MI Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Has Been Cloning Things 10. He keeps coming over to borrow a cup of sugar and a half pint of stem cells Joe-Bob R., Fairfax, VA 9. He's named his children Version 2.0 and Version 2.1 John S., Indianapolis, IN 8. He has seven wives and you ain't in Utah Will S., Pittsburgh, PA 7. Favorite movie: Multiplicity Rick O., Sun Prairie, WI 6. He apologizes profusely for the Olsen twins Dave LaD., Bronx, NY 5. His kid is mowing the front lawn and the back lawn at the same time Bill B., Roanoke, VA 4. During sex with wife you glance out window and see neighbor also having sex with your wife Joe G., Chicago, IL 3. You go over to his house and watch Live with Regis and Kelly live, with Regis and Kelly Rhonda G., Reading, PA 2. When you tell him how attractive you think his wife is, he replies, "You want one?" Doug P., Cucamonga 1. You live next door to Michael Jackson and let's face it: if it's weird, he's doing it Chris F., Sacramento, CA Top Ten Ways To Make Survivor More Exciting 10. "Survivor: Playboy Mansion" Rhett E., Alrington, VA 9. Tribal council now consists of voting off castaways and then beating them senseless Keith S., Lawrence, KS 8. Replace the current lame contestants with members of the 80's rock group Survivor Mark T., King of Prussia, PA 7. Out: Jeff Probst. In: Charo. Archie S., Alameda, CA 6. Two words: Showcase Showdown Josh G., North Hollywood, CA 5. Instead of winning immunity idol, teams win Billy Idol Ann S., Los Feliz, CA 4. All competitors humorously played by Tracey Ullman Mike R., Chicago, IL 3. Put O.J. on the island Suzanne D., Valparaiso, IN 2. Exploding coconuts Mike M., Evansville, IN 1. No rations, no water, no clothes Summer T., Haymarket, VA Top Ten Things That Make Russell Crowe Angry: 10. Every time he goes to Blockbuster, "Crocodile Dundee" is rented out Geoffrey J., Bradenton, FL 9. Cracks top governmental codes in movie, then goes home and gets stumped by cereal box riddle DJ McI., Trabuco Canyon, CA 8. Ann Landers doesn't reply to his letters Dan T., Brookville, PA 7. Constantly being pestered by Yahoo Serious to do a "buddy picture" with him Pat E., Hollywood, CA 6. Time limits in poetry slams Matthew McM., Astoria, NY 5. When the cable goes out in the middle of "Max Bickford" Jeffrey F., North Augusta, SC 4. Nailing a hot babe, then finding out she's not already married Todd B., Memphis, TN 3. Finding out he doesn't have a chance with Rosie David E., Toronto 2. Didn't win a single Aftonbladet Bradley H., Treherne 1. Could never tell whether Meg Ryan was faking or not Nick R., Melbourne, Australia Top Ten Reasons Oprah's Calling It Quits: 10. Forming a kick-ass 2-woman bobsled team with Sally Jessy for next Winter Olympics Sammy S., Bronx, NY 9. After you make your first billion the motivation is just not there Bill S., Scottsdale, AZ 8. Wants to devote herself full time to finding out what the hell Steadman's last name is Derek P., Ottawa, Canada 7. Tired of readin' all them books Mark N., Halifax, NS 6. Wants to devote more time to her new Broadway show "Oprahoma" Duane C., Columbia, MD 5. Steadman got a job Rob N., Bronx, NY 4. She wants to focus on her dream of being the first Oprah in space Joe H., Granite Falls, MN 3. Says she wants to move to the Al Jazeera network Fred M., Decatur, IL 2. Biological clock is telling her it's finally time to get really fat again Nancy W., King, NC 1. If you can't get Letterman on your show, what's the damn point? Cristina M., Toronto, Canada Top Ten Signs Your Academy Awards Speech Is Too Long: 10. Billy Crystal is on stage rehearsing next year's opening monologue Steve C., Deptford, NJ 9. Rather than buy commercial time, Pepsi guy comes out and sticks logo on your chin Steve M., Montgomery, TX 8. After you finish, Haley Joel Osment receives a Lifetime Achievement Award Steve B., Fort Wayne, IN 7. You mentioned Richard Simmons twice Ron F., Orlando, FL 6. The two accountants from PriceWaterhouseCoopers retake the stage in a bloody coup Todd M., New York, NY 5. Joan Rivers needs another face-lift by the time you're done Ray T., Chicago, IL 4. Sally Field runs up on stage to announce that nobody likes you anymore Lynn H., Saginaw, MI 3. Russell Crowe has run out of married women to hit on before you're even finished Matt S., East Lansing, MI 2. Baby Bob is in college when you finish Gregory G., Hoboken, NJ 1. Osama promises to surrender if you would just shut up already John E., Provo, UT Top Ten Least-Popular Children's TV Show Characters: 10. The Little Train That Was Hooked On Crack Scott D., Knoxville, TN 9. Scurvy Smurf Doug B., Canton, OH 8. Bi-Curious George Frank H., Austin, TX 7. Captain Kandahar Joe A., Pittsburgh, PA 6. Mildly Obese Albert Jim C., Atteboro, MA 5. The Wild Marion Berrys Dave P., Los Osos, CA 4. Zippo, The Friendly Anthrax Spore Patrick B., Hamilton, Ontario 3. Rollie Pollie Oprah Rose G., W., Bloomfield 2. Hair-trigger Harry, The Hockey Dad Amy C., Rockford, IL 1. Jihad Joe Chris G., Sydney, Australia Top Ten Reasons Bryant Gumbel Is Leaving The Early Show: 10. No more fighting Greg for the "Gumbel" parking spot Kenton A., El Paso, TX 9. Wants to spend more free time making obscene gestures in front of Today show window Tim W., Fremont, OH 8. Wants to get choice place in line for Star Wars: Episode II Tony S.., Alameda, CA 7. So he can spend more "quality time" with himself Chris S., Ravena, NY 6. Three words: "Good Morning, Tuscaloosa" John W., Fresno, CA 5. Oprah's book club is gone, what's the point of continuing? Lane W., Knoxville, TN 4. Work schedule interferes with watching Good Morning, America Mark G., Ft. Lauderdale, FL 3. Starting work on his upcoming CBS smash comedy, "Baby Bryant" Jason J., Cincinnati, OH 2. Heard Letterman was staying at CBS Dan P., Los Angeles, CA 1. Doesn't feel "Gumbel-riffic" anymore Darin R., Halifax, NS Ozzy Osbourne's Top Ten Pet Peeves: 10. Eye liner that clumps together Bart M., Lexington, KY 9. MTV threatening to replace show next year with "The Winfreys" Mike L., Westerville, OH 8. Catholic priests are starting to make him look good Dan W., Ketchikan, AK 7. Can't understand a damn thing Keith Richards says when he calls to chat Lee M., Southgate, MI 6. Getting stuck talking to Carson Daly at MTV office parties Jeff G., Austin, TX 5. Bat heads go right to his thighs Randy W., Apex, NC 4. When his favorite "Prince of Darkness" shirt is at the dry cleaners Michelle C., San Jose, CA 3. Sacrificial chicken blood is really difficult to get out of the carpet Ben P., Fayetteville, AR 2. You live your life right, do things that make you a better person, share your talents with others, but still there is no guarantee you'll go to hell Gary J., Red Wing, MN 1. They cancelled "Once and Again" Dave L., Bronx, NY Top Ten Ways To Make Baseball More Exciting: 10. Disputes with the umpire settled in the Thunderdome Craig S., Wellington, FL 9. Fat guys like David Wells have to pitch with no shirt on Scott S., Salt Lake City, UT 8. Free tickets to fan who correctly guesses percentage of rat in stadium hot dogs Margaret G., Grand Prairie, TX 7. Losing team exiled to Afghanistan Tobe G., Fouke, AR 6. Get George Will to stop talking about it Rick M., Denver, CO 5. If caught stealing base, it's a mandatory life sentence Heath R., Spring Grove, IL 4. Catch a foul ball, win a date with Don Zimmer Pat C., Jacksonville, FL 3. New league commissioner: Charo Jeff M., Middletown, NJ 2. Instead of national anthem, have John Ashcroft sing "Let The Eagles Soar" Rob B., Edmonton, Canada 1. 9 players, 8 uniforms Keith G., Phoenix, AZ The Bachelor's Top Ten Excuses For Not Getting Married: 10. Still has two years to go on his Playboy subscription Gregg R., Fairbanks, AK 9. He wants to meet his future bride the old-fashioned way: through an internet chat room Brian K., New York, NY 8. She hated "Star Trek" -- it was one or the other Paul T., Victoria 7. Upset over the cancellation of "Ally McBeal" Chuck C., Howell, NJ 6. Waiting to see if the Liza Minelli- David Gest thing works out Gary M., Greenville, SC 5. Still recovering from the news that Rosie is gay Gary J., Red Wing, MN 4. Might hurt chances of realizing lifelong dream -- scoring with Oprah Christian J., Alexandria, VA 3. "Are you kidding, I just collected 25 new phone numbers" Steve B., Seattle, WA 2. Waiting to appear on Al Jazeera version of "The Bachelor" where he can marry all 25 women Dan D., Huntington Woods, MI 1. It didn't seem to work out for Robert Blake, now, did it? Andy L., Mission Viejo, CA Top Ten Cool Things About Dating Spider-Man: 10. Spider sense goes off when there are any good JC Penney sales Steve H., Greenwood, IN 9. Great way to get back at the Green Goblin for dumping you Philip R., Austin, TX 8. 10% super hero discount at Burger King Mike P., Houston, TX 7. Web shooter easily converts to Salad Shooter John F., Merced, CA 6. Letterman's got 53rd Street blocked again for some silly stunt? Swing right over it Tom McN., Unknown 5. Chances of meeting Batman dramatically improved Franck L., Fort Worth, TX 4. Does your boyfriend have his own theme song? Matthew McC., Astoria, NY 3. With his web shooter you can get out of town quicker than you can say "Mayor Bloomberg" Bob M., Lafayette, IN 2. Even with all of the evil villains, it's still safer than dating O.J. Burt I., Francesville, IN 1. He just made $114 million in three days. Need I say more, ladies? Bob M., Jacksonville, FL Top Ten Lines From The New Star Wars Movie: 10. "So, have you ever done it with a computer-generated guy before?" Glenn S., Tampa, FL 9. "Whoops, I think I stepped in Yoda droppings" Jay C., Phoenix, AZ 8. "Luke, your father is really David Crosby" Jim P., Ellicott City, MD 7. "Anni! My how you've grown!" Michael R., Cary, NC 6. "I'm feeling a disturbance in my pants" Mike C., Herndon, VA 5. "Before I decide to switch to the Dark Side, what kind of dental plan do you offer?" Christian A., Atlanta, GA 4. "The Dark Side is too powerful, it's time we call in Spider-Man" Kevin M., Simsbury, CT 3. "I'm sorry Anakin. My heart belongs to the freak who can squeeze through a tennis racket" Chip G., Lonely, OH 2. "So, let me get this straight. When I grow up, I'm going to be James Earl Jones?" Tony B., Punta Gorda, FL 1. "Hey look! The clones are attacking!" Zack E., Pontiac, IL Top Ten Secrets Revealed In "The X-Files" Finale: 10. 96% of all X-Files fans still live with their parents Josh B., Ypsilanti, MI 9. Alien fetus growing in humans really just a bad case of the flu Adam P., Westland, MI 8. ALF uses wisecracks to disguise utter hatred for humanity Chris P., Skaneatleses, NY 7. The point of the whole alien conspiracy? To make Kraft Cheese and Macaroni even cheesier Randy R., San Francisco, CA 6. The book was all wrong -- men are from Venus, women are from Mars Chris S., Southport, NC 5. Pro wrestling is real! Scott M., Odgen, UT 4. Files really only go up to "Q" Brad H., Savage, MD 3. O.J. did it (wait a second, that's not a secret) Andrew R., Elkton, MD 2. The Truth is out there -- in our next lucrative feature film Mike C., San Diego, CA 1. Mike Piazza is not gay! Brad G., Wakefield, MA Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Beach: 10. "Can you please put a shirt on? You are scaring the children." Christ B., Beaumont, TX 9. "You idiot, that's not suntan lotion, it's my Preparation H!" Dave T., Chicago, IL 8. "Would you mind if I braid your back hair?" Dana H., New Haven, CT 7. "Can I use you as a flotation device?" Kimberly Y., Tulsa, OK 6. "I hear this is Ed Asner's favorite nude beach." Jim D., Birmingham, AL 5. "I've just been stung by a sea urchin. Can someone please pee on my hand?" Bob H., Kansas City, KS 4. "I just saw Richard Dreyfus talking to Roy Scheider. This can't be good." Christa B., Palm Desert, CA 3. "Damn, Oprah's blocking out the sun again!" Jordan G., Toronto, Ontario 2. "Sorry, sir, you can't enter the ocean. We're full" Andrzej C., Poznan, Poland 1. "I'm getting Speedo rash" Andrea G., Wells, ME Top Ten Ways Mike Tyson Can Improve His Image: 10. Offer to pay for medical services after he beats the crap out of someone Scott S., Bountiful, UT 9. Begin sentences with whimsical, "I pity the fool that..." Blaine G., Tupelo, MS 8. Instead of biting opponents, take a bite out of crime Jim T., Sunnyvale 7. After each punch say, "I'm sorry" Ruben P., Atwater, CA 6. Always ask, "May I?" before biting someone's ear off Patrick S., Waverly, NY 5. Buy a kitty. You can't hate someone that has a kitty. Robert W., Caribou, ME 4. Discover a way to harness the energy of the atom, giving the people of earth a completely clean, inexpensive, renewable energy source for the next thousand years John G., Albuquerque, NM 3. Announce that he is gay and having an affair with Mike Piazza Eric N., Alexandria, VA 2. Offer to replace Evander Holyfield's missing piece of ear with part of Lennox Lewis's Norman F., Charlotte 1. Keep reminding people, "Hey, at least I'm not a Catholic priest" Phil K., New York, NY Top Ten Least-Known Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood: 10. Single-handedly made Steve Guttenberg a star in the 80s Tom Y., LaGrange, OH 9. The "sisterhood" is a complex scheme designed to bring CHiPs back to network television Tim P., Waynesfield, OH 8. Started as a break dancing group in Harlem Anthony S., Jax, FL 7. They control the "Axis of Evil" Michael O., Phoenix, AZ 6. Must at least be able to "Walk the dog" (sorry, that's the Yo-Yo Sisterhood) Dave R., Baltimore, MD 5. Never take stock tips from Martha Stewart Justin F., Cincinnati, OH 4. Mike Piazza is club president David M., Clanton, AL 3. Had to shorten their name to "Ya-Ya" after former member Winona Ryder stole the third "Ya" Chris C., Palm Springs, CA 2. Ellen DeGeneres kicked out for staring at other sisters' Ya-Yas Dan M., Terra Bella, CA 1. Ya-Ya can't get your money back Ann J., Yakima, WA Top Ten Ways To Make Soccer More Exciting: 10. Score a goal, marry J Lo. Jonathan S., New York, NY 9. Make every player carry a pair of scissors during the game Jeff C., West, Columbia 8. Soccer with Cheese Whiz. Everything's more exciting with Cheese Whiz! Nathan W., New, Orleans 7. Instead of red cards, give out self-esteem- building Hallmark cards Chris S., San Francisco, CA 6. "Bicycle kicks" require real bicycles Craig F., Ebensburg 5. Have every player drive a Pontiac. They build excitement, you know. Jeff T., Spokane, WA 4. Mike Tyson bites ear off losing goalie Mark P., Barrington, RI 3. Replace buckets of Gatorade with malt liquor Rich C., Oaklyn, NJ 2. Two words: Halle Berry. I know it has nothing to do with soccer, but you gotta admit, it is exciting. Randy C., Pensacola, FL 1. Try putting--oh, hell, you can't make it more exciting. Keenan W., Valencia, CA Top Ten Signs Your Movie Is Not Going To Be A Summer Blockbuster: 10. Ron Howard drops out. Clint Howard takes over as director Tony DeS., Rochester, NY 9. The only name you recognize in the opening credits is Charo Soc W., Red Bank, NJ 8. In your version, spider, bitten by radioactive man, becomes tax attorney Ronald C., Hazel Park, MI 7. None of the cast has even a remote linkage to Kevin Bacon Joe T., Pennington, NJ 6. Mike Piazza is the new Bond girl Steve C., Montville, NJ 5. The Nathan Lane refrigerator sex scene Jim McD., Marlton, NJ 4. Due to limitations in special effects budget, dinosaurs can only be three feet tall Ron J., Washington 3. Winona Ryder won't even sneak in for free Dawn S., Milford, CT 2. You can't afford Richard Gere, so you settle for Richard Simmons Dean M., Cheektowaga, NY 1. Martha Stewart sells her stock in the production company the day before the movie opens Malinda H., Louisville Top Ten Signs Martha Stewart Is Getting Nervous: 10. Has already knitted three orange jumpsuits with matching cardigans Justin McD., Little Rock, AR 9. Stocking up on cigarettes and candy bars Mark McL., Philadelphia, PA 8. Hasn't touched her hot glue gun in weeks Jim S., Pittsburgh, PA 7. All of her decorating tips feature black and white vertical stripes as a central theme Bob M., Dayton, OH 6. Everytime the oven timer goes off she dives to the floor Crystal G., Bay City, MI 5. Her latest recipe includes baking files into cakes Bob S., Troy, IL 4. According to Blockbuster, she's rented "Escape From Alcatraz" six times this month Jay C., Pleasanton, CA 3. Referred to the color periwinkle as lavender twice! Jim E., Keizer, OR 2. Favorite new expression: "It's a good thing -- my ass!" Dale E., Lake Mary, FL 1. She's shopping at K-Mart Larry Z., Northwood, OH Top Ten Complaints of the Men In Black: 10. Should be Men in White from Memorial Day to Labor Day Scott N., Jackson, MI 9. Remaining anonymous precludes them from winning Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes Steve S., Endicott City, MD 8. Spider-Man gets to wear all the really cool outfits Frank S., Columbus, NE 7. When you try to tell a woman about where you work she ends up thinking you're an unemployed Star Trek geek Tristan A., Petaluma 6. Sick and tired of everyone requesting "Boy Named Sue" (sorry, that's a complaint of the Man in Black) Karen S., Tampa, FL 5. Your partner showing up in gray on Casual Fridays Ron H., Dacula, GA 4. Why won't that kid from the Dell commercials shut-up already? Steve L., Syosset, NY 3. Two words: alien breath Paul P., Santa Rosa, CA 2. Being called out to investigate a huge, slimy creature and finding out it's only Marlon Brando Em S., Fort Madison, IA 1. They fight alien slime 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and some pansy major league pitcher can't finish a game Brian S., Portland, OR Top Ten Signs Your Baseball Team Is Running Out Of Money: 10. When minor league players get assigned to your team they refer to it as being "sent down" Gary J., Red Wing, MN 9. Mike Piazza seen auctioning off his collection of Village People memorabilia Chris B., St. Petersburg, FL 8. Jumbotron on left field scoreboard replaced by 25-inch Zenith Damien A., Fort Worth, TX 7. Your coach just informed you that you've been sold to the Yankees for a bottle of Gatorade Adam O., Paxton, MA 6. To save on uniform lettering, all players named "Ed Ott" Mike R., Sacramento, CA 5. They send Pete Rose to Vegas with remaining payroll Dale K., Red, Deer 4. Oh, I don't know, they run out of pitchers in the 11th inning or something... Jonathan H., Nashville, TN 3. Change of name from Enron Field to WorldCom Stadium not going as well as expected David W., Oakland, CA 2. Players are heckling fans about how much they make Kevin D., Chicago, IL 1. That's not the wave, it's a holdup! Dan M., Berwyn, PA Angelina Jolie's Top Ten Complaints About Billy Bob Thornton: 10. Worst damn Pictionary player ever Jordan C., Nova Scotia, Canada 9. He clogs up the TiVo with Hee-Haw episodes Danielle L., Portola Valley, CA 8. He hasn't gotten a new tattoo with her name on it in at least three weeks Christopher V., Richmond, VA 7. His vial of blood turned out to be V-8 juice Kim F., Birdsboro, PA 6. See "Julia Roberts Top Ten Complaints About Lyle Lovett" Bert C., Gig Harbor, WA 5. His "Sling Blade" voice was kinda funny the first few times Steve H., Lindenhurst, NY 4. Two words: Possum breath Brenda R., Bismarck, ND 3. Vial of his blood too hard to coordinate with other fashion accessories Brian R., Birmingham, MI 2. Would have expected a greater degree of sophistication and consideration from someone named "Billy Bob" Victor D., Yakima, WA 1. He wasn't as good a kisser as her brother Bill M., Wilson, NC Top Ten Things Dumb Guys Think "Perdition" Is: 10. A new board game by Milton-Bradley Duane S., Pekin, IL 9. What makes those Krispy Kreme donuts taste so good Norman F., Charlotte 8. Actual location of the "Big Brother" house Audrey J., Plainfield, IN 7. Nothing that a little Viagra can't cure Edward K., Toronto, Canada 6. The cost of a subscription to "All Things Shiny" -- $3.99 perdition Tyson F., Powell River, BC Canada 5. That stuff you put on your hair after shampooing Ken P., Mechanicsville 4. I don't know and I don't care, but if it rhymes with fishin' it can't be bad John I., Union, NJ 3. What you pay to go to Perdue University Steven D., Glendale, AZ 2. Something Bill Clinton did with Monica Lewinsky Jeffrey B., Binghamton, NY 1. I don't know, but Mike Piazza says he isn't one John K., Westbury, NY Top Ten Things Elvis Would Say If He Were Alive Today: 10. "I'd like to thank The National Enquirer for believing in me" Robert D., Forest, VA 9. "You mean somebody finally combined wrasslin' and football and I missed it?" Mitch M., Santa Rosa, CA 8. "Does this sparkly rhinestone-studded blue jumpsuit make my ass look fat?" Chris B., Shreveport, LA 7. "What are all these people doing in my house?" Tony B., Punta Gorda, FL 6. "Liberace was gay?" John J., Caimbrook, PA 5. "I can't help falling in love with these Krispy Kreme donuts" Joe T., Pennington, NJ 4. "If you marry one more freak, I'm cutting you off" Kimberly K., Washington, D.C. 3. "Holy crap, I'm an elephant" Debbie C., San Jose, CA 2. "Two words: Supersize it!" Brent L., Tsawwassen 1. "Wow, I thought I'd be dead of a heart attack by now" Rich H., Lake Grove, NY Top Ten Ways President Bush Is Spending His Vacation: 10. Meeting every morning with his Security Council to watch "Walker, Texas Ranger" Carlos V., Newton, NC 9. Went to see that singing bear movie five times Nick K., Villa Hills, KY 8. Drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and coming up with cool new names for Iraq Reed H., Sacramento, CA 7. Practicing his pretzel chewing in anticipation of football season Karla R., Golden Valley, MN 6. Raisin' hell down at the Sizzler Jeff W., State College, PA 5. Making up new words to use in his next press conference Matt T., Winnsboro, LA 4. Watching tapes of "The West Wing" to see what a president does Bob P., Halifax, NS 3. Petitioning Congress to wage war on pretzels Stephen B., Odenton, MD 2. Carefully planning attack on Iraq. Oh, sorry -- that's what Dick's doing on his vacation Mark C., Brooklin, Ontario 1. Finally getting some rest after solving all of our economic problems and taking care of corporate corruption Michael L., Scarborough, ME Top Ten Features Of The New Baseball Contract: 10. Players making under $5 million a year can get steroids at a discount Brian L., New York, NY 9. Crying will now be allowed in baseball Terence H., Plymouth, IN 8. Goodbye, boring hats. Hello, festive sombreros! Kevin M., Grand Prairie, TX 7. Group rate on cryogenics David W., Dallas, TX 6. Kevin Costner banned from making more baseball movies Fred R., Ventura, CA 5. Players can now file for welfare if making less than $25 million Michael B., Seal Beach, CA 4. Eminem and Moby have to stop fighting Jeff W., Austin, TX 3. Now the Mets are contractually obligated to suck Jay H., Carrboro, NC 2. Unlimited crotch-grabbing John E., Chicago, IL 1. Article IX, Section B, Paragraph 1(a): Mike Piazza is not gay Dan B., Monroe, WI Top Ten Other Perks Of Winning "American Idol": 10. Ex-boyfriend can now sell naked pictures of you to highest bidder Scott M., Robesonia, PA 9. Free tickets to all Met games played in October Paul M., Katonah, NY 8. Wal-Mart greeter knows you by your first name Brian U., Cumming, GA 7. In a few years, it'll be you getting rejected by the Russian Space Program Rachel N., Ironton, OH 6. Pretty much secures future mention on VH1's "Where Are They Now?" Steve P., Indianola, IA 5. You now take meetings with a much higher class of record company weasel John S., Arnold, CA 4. Looks really good on a resume when applying for "Canadian Idol" Bill S., Indian Head, MD 3. You get to be on the Oprah show before Dave and Paul Lewis W., Bamberg, SC 2. Eminem now hates your guts Troy B., Sacramento, CA 1. Get to bask in relative obscurity for the rest of your life Greg M., San Francisco, CA Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Dr. Phil: 10. Been on Oprah more than Stedman Matthew M., Astoria, NY 9. He predicted the break-up of Burt Reynolds & Loni Anderson months in advance Jackson Q., Toronto, Canada 8. Does not believe that one can get a "bad case of loving you" Jeff S., Faribault, MN 7. Amazing insight into human nature suddenly obtained after visit from aliens Mike L., Brooklyn, NY 6. Stalks Ed Begley, Jr. Rob J., Lakewood, CO 5. Can eat Oprah under the table at Sizzler John L., Fishkill, NY 4. Marie Osmond one of five secret wives in Utah Steve M., East Aurora, NY 3. Got his new show by selling the most subscriptions to the Oprah magazine David D., Ft. Lauderdale, FL 2. He was sent here by the Taliban to mess with our heads Elinor O., Herndon, VA 1. He's Oprah's bitch Ben P., Lynchburg, VA Top Ten Complaints Of Miss America: 10. Keep forgetting whether it's time to binge or time to purge Andy K., Alexandria, VA 9. Can't get drunk and listen to Zeppelin for a whole year Bob E., Sikeston, MO 8. For some odd reason, sash smells like Al Roker John H., Wethersfield, CT 7. Hard to keep track of which ex-boyfriend has nude photos Jackie E., North, Highlands 6. All those annoying calls from Miss Canada wanting to hang out Darwin W., Sugar Land, TX 5. Having to visit all 39 states during her reign John M., Stoughton, MA 4. Actually having to solve world hunger Mitch M., Kahului, HI 3. Can't kick Miss Iraq's butt without consent of Miss Universe Timothy W., Dover, MA 2. Two words: sash rash Herb R., Napanee, Ontario 1. Miss America? I thought I won "American Idol"! George G., Manahawkin, NJ

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