Late Show Top 10 Contest Archives

Martha Stewart's Top Ten Useful Tips for Billionaires 10. Original Van Goghs make festive place mats. Dave H., Shelton, CT 9. Try not to be offended when someone tells you that you look like a million bucks. Brian E., Richlands, VA 8. Never buy a white building after Labor Day. Tom M., Ventura, CA 7. Keep a breath mint handy during hostile takeovers. Thomas R., Katy, TX 6. Always, and I mean always, have it Super-Sized! Pat H., Edmonton 5. Remember to stagger dinner seating order: billionaire, multimillionaire, billionaire. Terry H., Lafayette, LA 4. They can't call it a sweatshop if you have central air. Lance D., Rochester, NY 3. If you spill red wine on a white carpet -- screw it. Buy a new house. Eric F., Ossining 2. Now that you have a billion dollars, stop making all your stuff out of household crap. Andy A., Toronto, Canada 1. Spend a few bucks for a real haircut (Bill Gates only). Joe A., Pittsburgh, PA Top Ten Euphemisms For Hitting A Home Run: 10. Sobering Yeltsin. Andy Stocker, Los Altos, CA 9. Mounting Marge Schott. Jeff Hayden, Richardson, TX 8. Gettin' jiggy with the upper deck. Scott Burton, Minneapolis, MN 7. Checking the ball into the Betty Ford Center. Matthew Scott, Fredericton New Brunswick, Canada 6. Wakin' up the Maris Family. Dan Sweet, Lake Oswego, OR 5. Taking it to the windowless corridor. Chris Engebretson, Boston, MA 4. Dropkicking Yoda all the way to the Death Star. Jonathan Weiner, Dover, NJ 3. Divorcing Carmen Electra. Arnie Bernstein, Chicago, IL 2. Going deeper than Lewinsky. Eileen Bellabona, Lee, NH 1. Goosing a Fabio. David Dekema, Ashburn, VA Top Ten Other Surprises in the Hillary Clinton Interview: 10. Desperate to get money back from that Suzanne Somers and her Thigh-Master. Scott Riggle, Columbus, OH 9. Always liked Kirk better than Picard. Charlie Haase, Sacramento, CA 8. Salon perm? No, Ogilvie home perm. John Abbott, Garden Grove, CA 7. She loves it when one of those Mets scores a touchdown! Chris Coletti, Vista, CA 6. She broke up The Beatles. Brian Bailey, Covington, KY 5. Every night she and Bill fight over which tastes better: McDonald's or Burger King. Mike Mask, Caledonia, OH 4. When asked about dead guy on New York subway, responded with "They got a subway now?" Howard Polikoff, Great Neck 3. Ate a burrito the other day and now claims to be Mexican. Mark Turpin, Christianburg, VA 2. Buddy isn't the only neutered one in the family. Don Fisher, Greenwood, IN 1. She stopped listening weeks ago. Jonathan Harwell, Nashville, TN Top Ten Things Overheard During Kathie Lee's Last Week on "Live!": 10. "So, I hear that Regis and Gelman formed an alliance and voted her off." Greg H., Cincinnati, OH 9. "Cody is sure looking more and more like Regis every day." Brad B., Modesto 8. "Tune in next week for 'Live! with Regis & Pamela Lee'." Jakey T., Johnsonburg, PA 7. "Screw Disney World, I'm going to Dollywood!" Vickie H., New Boston, TX 6. "Now we'll have to get by on the money I make from running sweat shops." Derek H., Denver, CO 5. "Goodbye live television. Hello cheap dinner theater." Jared H., Houston, TX 4. "I'm sorry Mrs. Gifford, but you'll have to return Cody. Technically, he is the intellectual property of ABC." Mike G., Pittsburgh, PA 3. "Just another week and I would've nailed her." Jim M., Devine, TX 2. "No Darva, you can't be the new co-host, and this isn't the show where Regis gives away a million dollars." Corey L., Houston, TX 1. "Final answer this, Game Show Boy!" Mario F., Austin, TX Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different If Donald Trump Were President: 10. Next Supreme Court justice chosen by wet T-shirt contest. Vanessa L., Philadelphia, PA 9. Two-drink minimum at all state dinners. Dale E., Lake Mary, FL 8. State of the Union address changed to State of My Hair address. Jeff R., Hull, England 7. Secretary of State, Wayne Newton. Hal K., St. Paul, MN 6. Would use weekly radio address to call nationwide Keno game. Jason N., Des Moines, IA 5. Alan Greenspan replaced by bookie named Vinnie. R. Scott A., Cazenovia, NY 4. State of the Union address available on pay-per-view for just $39.95. Bryan C., Overland Park, KS 3. $1000-a-plate fundraisers replaced by $2 All-You-Can-Eat buffet. Steed Bell, Lawrence, KS 2. High rollers stay in Lincoln's bedroom for free. Ralph C., Brookline, MA 1. American population: 35. Canadian population: 300 million. Sam B., Pacific Grove, CA Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump Is Not Running For President: 10. No hot tub in Air Force One. Rich D., Edmonds, WA 9. Constant fighting among ex-girlfriends as to who was his "first lady." Max G., Sunrise, FL 8. Congress refused to sign a prenup. Linda B., Staten Island, NY 7. Was told he'd have to pay off the national debt. Greg H., Coon Rapids, MN 6. Have you ever moved into a house after hillbillies have lived there? Doug S., Rochester, NY 5. No cabinet position for Secretary of Hairspray. Lisa P., Clifton, NJ 4. The polls show he's only carrying the "Goldigger Supermodel" vote. Ron C., Jacksonville, FL 3. Four years is a huge commitment. Jimmy W., Kent, WA 2. Wants to focus energy on hosting new "Fox" show, "How to Divorce a Multi-Millionaire." Teresa W., Tucson, AZ 1. The pay stinks. Linda S., Elkhart Top Ten Ways Californians Are Conserving Energy: 10. Joan Rivers only allowed one cosmetic surgery a month Britani C., Dunmore 9. Relying on ambient glow from approaching brush fires to light homes at night Ben S., Dallas, TX 8. Romantic dates end in "luke-warm tub" Dennis G., Houston, TX 7. Instead of using coal, Californians now burning Burt Reynolds' old hairpieces Amish T., Stone Mountain 6. Wait for earthquakes to mix margaritas Nan A., Cadet, MO 5. Finally harnessing the awesome star power of Kate Hudson Don S., Saskatoon 4. Give O.J. a bus pass and tell him that the next time he wants to kill two people and run away, he needs to take public transportation Mark S., Larchmont, NY 3. Like the original, script for Battlefield Earth sequel to be written with all the lights off Brian O., Louisville, KY 2. Unplug Walt Disney Joe B., Concord, CA 1. They turn their TVs off at 11:35pm Larry G., Newport News, VA Top Ten Rejected Lines From "Armageddon": 10. "I never knew that Marlon Brando was visible from outer space." (Jonathan Fallert, York, PA) 9. "We drilled to the center of the asteroid -- and it's filled with creamy milk chocolate!" (Blake Buzzini, Heidelberg, PA) 8. "NASA knows how to blow up an asteroid, but still can't find a cure for my male pattern baldness!" (Big Al Lasko, St. Adolphe, Manitoba) 7. "Will somebody turn off that damn Aerosmith song?" (Matthew Crandall, Charlestown, RI) 6. "Does my ass look fat in this spacesuit?" (Kevan Kerr, New York, NY) 5. "Okay, now hand me that Salad Shooter!" (Stephanie Andrejack, Camp Hill, PA) 4. "Let's go kick the asses of those 'Deep Impact' bastards!" (Cindy Cup Choy, Honolulu, HI) 3. "Who do you think's cuter? Me or Matt Damon?" (Ed Hinkie, Sherman Oaks, CA) 2. "Oh my god, it killed Kenny! You bastard!" (Ward Goaters, Tulsa, OK) 1. "Don't be afraid...Richard Simmons will save us!" (Ben Williams, Austin, TX) Top Ten Least-Popular Olympic Events: 10. Men's Individual Cavity Search Michael R., Cedar, TX 9. N'Synchronized Swimming Ryan G., Almonte, Ontario 8. The "Big Brother" Marathon Darin B., Arlington, TX 7. Salad Shooting Jerry H., Brownstown, MI 6. Synchronized Jazzercise Paul B., Grand Rapids, MI 5. The Very Uneven Bars Kaufman D., St. Mary's, PA 4. 100m Prancing Riley W., Marshall 3. The Marge Schott-Put Sean P., Liberal, KS 2. 100m Men's Speedo Adjustment Adam G., Ada,OH 1. The Richard Simmons Clean-and-Jerk Steve S. Top Ten Ways To Make The Presidential Debates More Exciting: 10. Replace "fuzzy math" with cute, fuzzy kittens Jackie M., Auburn, OH 9. Candidates express their views through interpretive dance Randy S. Dover-Foxcroft, ME 8. Nine rounds of bare-knuckle boxing Robert C., Spring Hill, FL 7. Allow candidates to retort with "Your mama" jokes Pete J., Las Vegas, NV 6. Each candidate must include a floor exercise routine Jonathan H., Nashville, TN 5. Interns under podiums Joan L., San Francisco, CA 4. Have Monica check out their "qualifications" Marilyn M., Tampa, FL 3. Mudslinging: Out. Mudwrestling: In! Ron B., Houston, TX 2. Winner gets to make out with Tipper Jarrod S., Redlands, CA 1. Ladies and gentlemen, your moderator: Anna Kournikova Chris W., Boston, MA Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend's Parents Don't Like You: 10. Dad asks you to play catch in the front yard, then brings out a javelin. Andrew H., Columbus, OH 9. Recommend Dr. Kevorkian as a great "family doctor." Nigel M., Cambridge, MA 8. You see them on a Jerry Springer episode entitled "My Daughter's Dating a Loser!" Bill S., Seymour, CT 7. They keep "accidentally" kneeing you in the groin. Thomas B., Colorado Springs, CO 6. You pick her up at 7. They tell you to have her back by 7:05. Nate S., Detroit, MI 5. Guest chair looks unusually like electric chair. Barry K., Montreal 4. Your Christmas stocking is filled with reindeer ticks. Kevin McD., Durham, NC 3. The gun-cleaning "accident." Dan G., Christiana, DE 2. Constant comments that Anne Heche would make a better son-in-law. Shelley F., Tiffin, OH 1. Every time her father calls you a "major league ass****," her Mom says, "Big-time." Ron B., Austin, TX Top Ten Signs Dick Clark Has Gone Nuts: 10. Missed weekly face-lift Mark H., Reston 9. Did this year's New Year's Rockin' Eve show from the 7-11 in Hoboken Michael C., Birmingham, AL 8. Claims to be "the official Dick of the millenium." Mike W., Chicago, IL 7. Wants ABC officials to produce special American Bandstand for kitties Dan S., Lake Oswego, OR 6. Thinks Ed McMahon is "pretty." Guy M., Salem, OR 5. Instead of dropping ball on New Year's Eve, wants Puff Daddy to shoot it down Jeff C., Beverly Hills, MI 4. Regrets "youthful appearance" pact he made with Satan 150 years ago Fred B., Chicago, IL 3. Subscribing to thousands of magazines hoping to increase his chances of winning the 10 million dollar prize Jimmy T., Owings Mills, MD 2. Dick Clark is Chris Gaines Steve F., Philadeplphia, PA 1. Keeps dropping his pants and raving, "Rate this!" Mark S., Greenville, TN Top Ten Things Overheard in the "Big Brother" House: 10. "Between you, me and the 60 microphones, I think you're one pretty happenin' lady." Erich E., Spring Lake, NJ 9. "I'm sorry, but you can't stay here, Mr. Kaelin." Tammy F., Seymour, IN 8. "If I had known we had a stripper, I would have packed my case with one dollar bills." Michael S., LaPorte, TX 7. "Gee, I hope those guys at 'America's Most Wanted' aren't watching." Ed S., Auburn, AL 6. "I hope and pray that the Jehovah's Witnesses will arrive soon to take me away from all of you." Jeremy M., Staunton, VA 5. "Three months without Letterman? YES!!!" Mark R., Helena, MT 4. "Who left up the toilet seat? Let's check the tape." Wendy S., watertown, MA 3. "What would Rudy do?" Brian T., Yardley, PA 2. "For the love of God, cancel us already!" Many G., Arlington 1. "I got your 'Big Brother' right here!" Tim S., Tazewell, VA Top Ten Least-Popular Harry Potter Books 10. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Victoria's Secrets Jeremy C., Louisville 9. Harry Potter and the Undercooked Pork Chops Jack B., Tulsa, OK 8. Harry Potter and the Botched Root Canal Doug A., Paris France 7. Harry Potter and the Port Authority Men's Room Peter B., Lafayette, CA 6. Harry Potter: My Secret Life with Burt Reynolds Luis M., Kendall, FL 5. Harry Potter and the Case of the Fiery Ford Pinto Paul P., Burke 4. Harry Potter and What's Really In New York Vendors' Hot Dogs Dave B., Fargo, ND 3. Harry Potter and the Friendly Uncle Who Liked To Give Long Hugs Price H., Kansas City, MO 2. Harry Potter and the 3 Hours of Community Service Spent Picking Up Litter Off the New Jersey Turnpike in Order to Work Off That Marijuana Possession Charge Brian M., Baltimore, MD 1. Harry Potter Learns a Few Special Tricks from Sigfried and Roy Johnny H., Green Hills, TN Top Ten Punchlines To Dirty Thanksgiving Jokes: 10. "What's David Crosby doing here with a turkey baster?" Mike D., Atlanta, GA 9. "Is that a horn of plenty or are thou happy to see me?" Keith M., Winston-Salem, NC 8. "You pull the legs apart and I'll stuff it in." Lonnie T., Stafford, TX 7. "Wanna dock your Mayflower on my Plymouth Rock?" Scott S., Las Vegas, NV 6. "That ain't turkey, but don't stop stuffing." Adam B., Melvern, KS 5. "Guess who's coming after dinner?" Steve M., Raleigh, NC 4. "Looks like your gravy boat needs refilling." Bob S., Herndon, VA 3. "Now that's what I call stuffing, Ms. Lewinsky." Steve M., Madison, WI 2. "Butterballs." Andy M., London, England 1. "Thanks! Thanks! Oh God, thanks!" Doug S., Rochester, NY Top Ten Secret Service Code Names For George W. Bush: 10. West Wingnut Gale S. 9. The Executioner Ken R., Portsmouth, OH 8. Walker, Texas Ranger Bruce W., East Lansing, MI 7. Barbara's Little Bush Paul M., Chapleau, Ontario 6. Sir Squints-A-Lot Alan C., Cincinnati, OH 5. Jackass Chris Z., Hudson, WI 4. Deer In Headlights Ben B., Birmingham, AL 3. Redneck One Edward B., Somerville, MA 2. Mini-Bush Karl C., Ottawa, Ontario 1. Lucky Bastard Mark R., Helena, MT Top Ten Reasons Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche Split Up: 10. They couldn't find an old, decrepit rock star to father their child Jason R., Linton, IN 9. Naked Survivor guy kinda ruined the "gay chic" craze Erin E., Los Angeles, CA 8. Bathroom squabbles over who had to use the "HIS" towel Eleanor M., Cincinnatti, OH 7. A brief moment of honesty during the daily "Do I look fat?" question-and-answer period Steve B., Seattle, WA 6. Ellen's annoying habit of leaving the seat up Ben C., Chicago, IL 5. Constant phone calls from David Crosby Wayne B., St. Petersburg, FL 4. Four words: Dick Cheney love triangle Josh B., Fort Collins, CO 3. While watching Republican convention, Ellen commented that she "can't stand Bush." Jon A., Davis, CA 2. The sudden realization that they are both women Brad S., Westminster, MD 1. They still love each other - but not in a homosexual way. Linda O'Q, Lexington, KY Top Ten Least-Popular Exhibits At The Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame: 10. Virtual Reality Ride Through Elvis' Colon Rob D., Tallahassee, FL 9. Wilson Phillips Kissing Booth Michael W., Camp Pendleton, CA 8. Jerry Lee Lewis' Family Tree Exhibit Rich W., Wilmington 7. Liberace's Plain Black Tux Marie D., Saugus, MA 6. Frank Stallone: Misunderstood Genius Scotty W., Austin, TX 5. Rorscharch Self-Test: Interpret The Stains In Madonna's Bedsheets Jeff B., West Chester, PA 4. The Life And Times Of That Guy Who Used To Sing With Paul Simon John N., Hanford, CA 3. The Keith Richards "Phlegm Through The Years" Exhibit Janis V., Cary, NC 2. Cher's Asses: A Visual Timeline Tony T., Scarborough, ME 1. David Crosby's Rejected Sperm Donations David H., Annandale, VA Top Ten Things Overheard At The 73rd Annual Academy Awards: 10. "Isn't that sweet? Catherine Zeta Jones brought her father with her." Meg S., Potomac, MD 9. "Yes, I'm Sylvester Stallone. Now can I show you to your seat?" Dean I., Mexico City 8. "Ms. Lopez, on behalf of Federal Express I want to apologize but we lost the rest of your blouse." Neal B., Stonington, CT 7. "I didn't know Vincent Price could play guitar." Jason M., Chicago, IL 6. "I think Bjork's dress is molting." Brandon M., Cheshire, CT 5. "You were wearing pants when you came in, Mr. Heston." Dan B., Amherst, NY 4. "Excuse me, where's the kidnappers' entrance?" Jeff H., Richardson, TX 3. "For the love of God, someone stop Liz Taylor! She's headed for the stage!" Jackie M., Auburn, OH 2. "Holy crap! They are made of chocolate!" Jon A., Ofallon, IL 1. "Dude, where's my Oscar?" Steven S., Tallahassee, FL Top Ten Inaccuracies In Pearl Harbor: 10.The Japanese used real bombs, not giant Pokemon dolls Michael F., Silver Spring, MD 9.Pacific fleet wasn't made up of Carnival Cruise ships Mark N., Halifax, NS 8. None of the co-pilots were Wookies Bill B., Sarasota, FL 7. Gavin McLeod never captained the USS Arizona Shane R., Barrie, Ontario, Canada 6. The Japanese didn't bomb Pearl Harbor to impress Jodie Foster Dave B., Toronto, Ontario, Canada 5. Instead of "Tora! Tora! Tora!" kamikaze pilots shout "Oprah! Oprah! Oprah!" Scotty W., Austin, TX 4. Kate Beckinsale's character did not have an affair with pilot buddies "Goose" and "Maverick" Lorena S., New York, NY 3. Technically, light sabres were not used in World War II Anthony C., Richmond, VA 2. Japanese didn't bomb Pearl Harbor because an American won on "Iron Chef" Monte O., Albuquerque, NM 1. President Roosevelt did not have Monica Lewinsky under his desk Daniel B., New York, NY Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Prom Date: 10. He tells you he has to check in with his parole officer by 10pm Andrea T., Newton Lower Falls, MA 9. He's always comparing you with his ex: Siegfried Kaufman D., St. Mary's, PA 8. His multiple personalities argue with each other about who should open the door for you Brian E., Norristown, PA 7. Her parents give you permission to not bring her home at all Ben S., Wahoo, NE 6. He saves the last dance for his wrestling coach David B., Beach Park, IL 5. She uses psychokinetic powers to kill entire senior class over minor provocation of being doused with pig's blood Pete B., Troy, NY 4. Refuses to take prom pictures because he's wanted in three states Paul L., Metairie, LA 3. Your date says, "This is my 15th time around and boy, these things get better every year" Amy C., Seattle, WA 2. She insists you pay cash in advance Timmy K., Mendon, MA 1. After dinner, your date says, "Wait in the car, I left my pistol back at the restaurant" Chris B., Berea, OH Top Ten George W. Bush Tips For Parenting: 10. Don't drink and drive. Drink first, then drive Karen H., Hollywood, CA 9. Read with your children every day. They can usually help you with the big words Danny S., Cedar City, UT 8. Don't like your daughter's boyfriend? Buzz his house with Air Force One Mike W., St. Louis, MI 7. No dessert until they finish their margaritas Cheho P., Houston, TX 6. In a pinch, Charlton Heston makes a great babysitter Jennifer J., Hartford, WI 5. Go to morning church service so you won't be late for "happy hour" Debbie R., Chesapeake 4. Teach them CPR in case of a surprise Dick Cheney visit George B., Derry, NH 3. Slumber parties should not have a two-drink minimum Jim B., Omaha, NE 2. Remind kids, "I've got the death penalty and I'm not afraid to use it!" Scott T., Kensett, IA 1. Do as I did. Wait a minute. Do as I didn't. Lisa H., Boston, MA Top Ten Reasons "The Mummy" Returned 10. Heard Anna Nicole Smith was single again Jason W., Walla Walla, WA 9. Unbelievable deals at "Gap for Mummies" Monte O., Albuquerque, NM 8. New Fox show: "Who Wants To Marry A Million Year Old Man" Dan D., Houston, TX 7. Heard rave reviews about new "ouch-less" band-aids Jim P., Abilene, TX 6. Goodbye, Book of the Dead. Hello, Oprah's Book Club Wesley K., Turkey City, PA 5. Wanted to swap more near-death stories with Dick Cheney Nicole L., Cincinnati, OH 4. After 2000 years, could use a little help from Viagra Shawn Q., Sacramento, CA 3. To call Joan Rivers back to the crypt Christopher S., Tucson, AZ 2. To tie up a few loose ends Bill D., Lebanon, PA 1. He mistakenly left his pistol in the Italian restaurant (Sorry, that's the reason why Robert Blake returned) Tod J., Boston, MA Top Ten Other Rumors About Tom Cruise: 10. Dan Rather used as body double in all shirtless "Top Gun" scenes Chad M., Novi, MI 9. The Pontiac Aztek? His idea. Bill P., Phoenix, AZ 8. Still uses a booster seat at the barber shop Harris L., Voorhees, NJ 7. Leprechauns scare the bejesus out of him D. B., Columbus 6. Refuses to dial 1-800-COLLECT to save the people he's calling a buck or two Matt W., Phoenix, AZ 5. Can tell you the location of each of Richard Simmons' tattoos Stan A., Mississauga, Ontario, Canada 4. Broke up with Nicole over the endless argument as to whether Certs is a candy mint or a breath mint Hannah S., Albany, NY 3. He thought "Days of Thunder" sucked, too Scott K., Hopkinsville, KY 2. He's planning on having a baby with David Crosby Barry P., Melrose, NF, Canada 1. Buys booze for the Bush twins Ken M., Graham, NC Top Ten Signs Your Movie Critic Is Fake: 10. Was actually overheard exclaiming, "I haven't laughed that hard since Schindler's List!" Jared P., Sarasota, FL 9. Claims new film he just reviewed is among the best of the "talkies" Danny P., Atlanta, GA 8. Has never invoked the phrase, "The feel-good movie of the summer!" Ryan T., South Portland, ME 7. He works Pia Zadora's name into all of his reviews Mark S., Duncansville, PA 6. A typical review: "You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll want to purchase a wide variety of high-quality electronics from the good people at Sony Corporation of America." B. V., Hayward, CA 5. Claims to know Shrek personally Colleen M., McKees Rocks, PA 4. In every review, he uses the word "bootylicious" Curtis H., Chehalis, WA 3. Your critic and Jenna Bush got their ID from the same college freshman Steve G., Milwaukee, WI 2. Claims he's Roger Ebert but has normal-sized ass Vern M., Cleveland, OH 1. It may be "up," but that ain't a thumb Scott K., Hopkinsville, KY Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is A Robot: 10. Potty training requires upgrade to Windows 2000 Rick B., Americus, GA 9. Insists on calling the washing machine "Mommy" Ken S., Boston, MA 8. He has a part time job as an ATM Chuck P., Cleveland, OH 7. Starts sweating whenever someone uses the can opener Paul D., Wilkes-Barre, PA 6. Gets real quiet when you hit the mute button on the remote Sam W., Smyer 5. Created a nuclear particle accelerator from a bucket full of Legos Mark D., Columbus, IN 4. Staggers in from a Saturday night with friends reeking of WD-40 Brian C., Winston-Salem, NC 3. Calls going to the bathroom "downloading" Brian C., Long Island, NY 2. Oil stains on the bed sheets Paul C., Sammamish, WA 1. Calls Al Gore "incredibly life-like" Ed M., Cleveland, OH Top Ten Rejected Names For Firecrackers: 10. Martha Stewart's Hot Flash John P., Libertyville, IL 9. Baby's First Third-Degree Burn Cliff T., Montgomery, AL 8. The Exploding Firestone Dan C., LaGrange, IL 7. Bob Dole's Viagra Rocket April D., Calgary, Alberta, Canada 6. Whistling Lewinsky John F., Orem, UT 5. Dude, Where's My Hand? Steven S., Tallahassee, FL 4. The Jenna Bush Beer Bottle Rocket Stu H., Canton, IL 3. Giuliani Marriage Fizzler Tim M., Elk Grove, CA 2. Robert Blake's Spiraling Alibi Bruce T., Louisville, KY 1. Richard Simmons' Flaming Balls Ned B., Corryton, TN Top Ten Signs You're On A Lame Reality Show: 10. Instead of cameras, you're followed by a courtroom sketch artist who draws real fast Bill D., Rochester, NY 9. Immunity challenge is having to shake exactly two aspirin out of the bottle Jen M., San Diego, CA 8. You arrive on the island only to find a high-pressure sales pitch for time share condos Michael J., Arlington, VA 7. Camera crew consists of two sweaty old guys and a Polaroid Krista H., Cincinnati, OH 6. Group challenge is to set the VCR clock James W., Fallston, MD 5. You're handcuffed naked to three other people in Rick James' apartment Roger P., Tyler, TX 4. Last one to bleed to death wins four bucks Gregory C., Ottawa 3. Instead of Jeff Probst and a deserted island, it's O.J. Simpson and a dark alley Chris B., Berea, OH 2. It's just a bunch of naked fat guys chained to Richard Simmons Mark M., St. Cloud, MN 1. You're holed up with a guy named Bunky Richard H., Worcester, MA Top Ten Little-Known
Effects of Global Warming: 10. Instead of being "hot and bothered," you're now "boiling and bothered" Brian M., Oshkosh, WI 9. The site of the 2020 Summer Olympics: Antarctica Rick B., Suwanee, GA 8. New Yorkers now get steaming hot chowder directly from the East River Jerry L., Springfield, OH 7. Group 98 Degrees must either disband or change their name to 99 Degrees Dave H., Saint Charles, MO 6. George Hamilton now one large festering blister Ron B., Houston, TX 5. M&Ms suspiciously start melting not only in your mouth, but now in your hands! Mariann S., Wetumpka, AL 4. People inadvertently changing their names to P. Diddy Arthur W., Miami, FL 3. Kenny Rogers out of business after chickens begin roasting themselves David B., Berwick, LA 2. Thus far, a 24% increase in "sweaty guy smell" has been detected in the atmosphere Josh H., Redmond, OR 1. Michael Jackson is starting to smell like burnt plastic Jonathan H., Nashville, TN Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Summer Camp: 10. All the camp counselors are dressed in yellow biohazard suits Wayne G., Moline, IL 9. Instead of making crafts with popsicle sticks, you just have to make popsicle sticks Travis L., Pittsburgh, PA 8. Nighttime activities include sitting around campfire reading the Communist manifesto Ryan C., Portland, OR 7. You notice the list of camp staff includes a coroner Andrew W., London, Ontario 6. You recognize the counselors from "America's Most Wanted" Andy L., Mission Viejo, CA 5. Water sports include hosing down the fat kid Joe M., No. Scituate, RI 4. It's being televised on FOX Mike W., Prattville, AL 3. When they run out of Hershey bars they use chocolate Ex-Lax for the S'mores Chris B., Cape Girardeau, MO 2. "Afternoon activies" = being locked in cabin and forced to make clothes for Kathie Lee Joshua V., Elma, NY 1. Thursday night activity: hide-and-seek with Gary Condit Garey A., Seattle, WA Top Ten Movies Playing on the Planet Of The Apes: 10. Gorilla, Interrupted Jeff R., Topeka, KS 9. When Hairy Met Sally Dean A., Bozeman, MT 8. The Full Monkey Ed H., Amelia Island, FL 7. What Lice Beneath Daniel H., Huntsville, AL 6. Harry Enslaves The Hendersons Patrick R., Oakland, CA 5. Anything with Fay Wray in it Brad K., Seattle, WA 4. Dude, Where's My Banana? Martin S., North Bay, Canada 3. Saving Primate Ryan Jay M., Van Buren 2. Swingers Jim M., Chicago, IL 1. The Ed Asner Story Nicki L., McMinnville, OR Top Ten Items In The Tom Cruise/ Nicole Kidman Divorce Settlement: 10. All foot stools go to Tom Hayes R., Sacramento, CA 9. Children returned to custody of the props department at Universal Studios John H., Marlton, NJ 8. He gets the Oscars, Golden Globes and People's Choice awards; she gets throw pillows and assorted sconces Jim M., Indianapolis, IN 7. She gets the paparazzi every other weekend Mike F., W. Hollywood, CA 6. Nicole gets the George Foreman grill on weekdays; Tom gets it on weekends and holidays Andrew V., Chicago, IL 5. The cryogenically frozen head of L. Ron Hubbard Dan K., Franklin, TN 4. Tom gets to remain friends with Alec and Daniel, Nicole gets to remain friends with Billy and Stephen Matt H., Costa Mesa, CA 3. Kidman gets 1/3 of Cruise's rugged, yet boyish good looks ?, Boston, MA 2. Neither is allowed to date George Clooney David P., Montreal 1. All high-heeled shoes split equally Jon T., Chicago, IL Top Ten Signs MTV Is Getting Older: 10. Angela Lansbury is appearing in an awful lot of music videos Adam B., West Bend, IA 9. Original viewers now spend most of their time watching CBS Corey J., Bingham 8. "Road Rules" Winnebago keeps its left blinker on for entire episode Tom C., Easton, PA 7. "Real World 11: Sun City" Tim J., Phoenix, AZ 6. When Beavis and Butthead laugh, they now lose control of their bladders Betsy McD., Colfax, IL 5. Madonna videos now show her taking Geritol before having sex with ten guys John H., Marlton, NJ 4. Billy Idol's once proud "Rebel Yell" now sounds more like wet, hacking cough Jason A., Vernon, BC, Canada 3. Most requested thing on TRL: "Could they turn it down a little?" Raymond W., Rockford, IL 2. Video serving up last years on prison sentence for killing the radio star Tom A., Tampa, FL 1. Carson Daly out. Tyne Daly in. Dave B., Pittsburgh, PA Top Ten Rejected Titles For The New 'Star Wars: Episode II' Movie: 10. "I Was A Teenage Dark Lord Of The Sith" Johnny W., Tucker, GA 9. "Attack Of The Stem Cells" John R., Lafayette, LA 8. "Jedi Smackdown" Gene B., Chicago, IL 7. "Who Let The Clones Out" Callista M., Seattle, WA 6. "The Dubious Presidential Pardon Of Darth Vader" Abraham K., New York, NY 5. "Dude, Where's My Wookie?" John D., Cincinnati, OH 4. "Captain Corelli's Light Saber" Dennis H., Ames, IA 3. "Wait Till You Hear Episode III's Title" Ivan M., Mexico 2. "This Can't Suck More Than 'Pearl Harbor'" John K., New York, NY 1. "Here's Another Piece Of Crap, Nerds. Now Gimme Your Money" David M., Homewood, AL Top Ten Things Gary Condit Does Admit To: 10. Is part weasel, on his father's side Dave S., Belmont, MA 9. Writes roughly half of each month's letters published in Penthouse Kevin K., Gaithersburg, MD 8. Life was a lot easier when only screwing taxpayers Dwight F., Oklahoma 7. Liking Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain Mike T., Tallahassee, FL 6. Contemplated killing Connie Chung during commercial break CJ F., St. Albans, VT 5. Knows nothing about the disappearance of MC Hammer Richard E., Regina, Canada 4. Has only paid to have hookers killed, not interns Jeff G., San Jose, CA 3. Excessive use of blow drier caused California energy crisis Jon T., Chicago, IL 2. Thirty-four years is a long damn time Tom N., Scottsboro, AL 1. Even he thinks he's creepy John Top Ten Signs Your College Roommate Is Nuts: 10. Is deeply insulted by your refusal to embrace all aspects of the Klingon lifestyle Andrew S., Melbourne 9. Covers himself in plastic wrap that he claims "makes him invisible" Jasmine S., Encinitas, CA 8. It's 10pm -- time to cuddle Chris G., New York, NY 7. Is routinely entertained by the sound a zipper makes Christopher V., Miami, FL 6. You see yourself in the mirror, then realize that it is not the mirror -- it's your roommate dressed like you Jim E., Nashua, NH 5. He flies into a violent rage every time you mention waffles John H., Burr Ridge, IL 4. Keeps calling you "daddy" Dustin H., Lexington, KY 3. He says he wants to sleep on top, but you don't have bunk beds Bill W., Benton, AR 2. Says the best sex she ever had was with Ellen Matt B., Idaho Falls, ID 1. "Hi, I'm Dave Letterman" Sam R., Rockford, MI Top Ten Things Overheard at the Michael Jackson Tribute Concert: 10. "See the Jackson brother on the far left? The doctors actually made him out of spare parts from the other Jacksons" Nicholas Z., Boston, MA 9. "I think we now all believe that Billie Jean wasn't his lover" Bill B., St. Louis, MO 8. "OK, your band goes on right after "Michael's Noses: A Retropsective" Dean I., San Jose, CA 7. "I think Tito just parked my car" Alan C., Cincinnati, OH 6. "Who invited Alice Cooper? Oops, sorry Liza!" Lorenzo R., Portland, ME 5. "Here's a little song I wrote about the smell of burning hair" Kristin H., Phoenix, AZ 4. "I think Marlon Brando just ate Bubbles" Tom C., Atlanta, GA 3. "You idiot! You're wearing two gloves!" Brian S., Buffalo Grove, IL 2. "Oh my God! Isn't it illegal to do that with a chimpanzee?" Bill H., Orlando, FL 1. "Quick, somebody turn off the spotlight! He's melting!" Sven G., Seattle, WA Top Ten Slogans For The New Fall TV Season: 10. "So Much Crap, So Few Time Slots" Jim P., Lancaster, PA 9. "Here's 10 Bucks. Tell Nielsen You Watched Us" Andy S., Boylston, MA 8. "Twenty Minutes Of Crappy Sitcom, Ten Minutes Of Great Commercials!" Tommy Y., Pasadena, CA 7. "Who Cares, HBO Has All The Good Shows Anyway" Dave L., Plantation, FL 6. "Don't Worry, Most Of This Crap Will Be Dumped By Thanksgiving" Race D., Cary, NC 5. "You'll Be Watching So Much TV This Fall That You'll No Longer Know Where Your Ass Ends And Your Couch Begins" Tim M., Boston, MA 4. "At Least We Had The Sense To Not Buy Those XFL Games" Mariann S., Wetumpka, AL 3. "Still Crap. But It's High-Definition Crap" Thomas S., Appleton, WI 2. "Ellen's Back And Gayer Than Ever!" Jon T., Regina, Canada 1. "We Renewed 'Becker,' That's How Bad It Is" David M., Homewood, AL Top Ten Least Popular Talents Of Miss America Pageant Contestants: 10. Eat and regurgitate a meal in 10 minutes flat Ralph G., Santa Ana, CA 9. Silicone implant juggling Randy D., Hessmer, LA 8. Applying artificial tanning solution without streaks Lynn D., Nashville, TN 7. Rearranging furniture Rich H., Huntington, NY 6. Spontaneous human combustion Rob N., Columbus, OH 5. Being able to tell the difference between Mary Kate and Ashley Matt H., Costa Mesa, CA 4. XFL trivia Shawn R., Guthrie, TX 3. Fradulent misappropriation of scholarship money into high-yield junk bonds Nick R., Melbourne, Australia 2. Remembering all the judges phone numbers Ron P., Johnston City, IL 1. Lube, oil, filter Chris B., Turner, OR Top Ten Supermodel Pet Peeves: 10. People that confuse them with regular models Jennifer S., Puyallup, WA 9. Stubborn, greasy food that just won't come back up Jacob A., Louisville, KY 8. Those 51 boring issues of Sports Illustrated every year Jim C., Princeton, IL 7. Being rejected when you apply for membership in the Justice League William V., Minnetonka, MN 6. Those really hard questions they ask at the store, like "Paper or plastic?" Eric B., Los Angeles, CA 5. Breaking a nail when programming the new sub-atomic partical accelerator Sean S., Hermitage, PA 4. Can't find that damn "any" key when the computer prompts them to hit "any" key Kelley H., Enid, OK 3. Remaining members of The Cars think they have a shot with you Hewitt H., Maynard, MA 2. Lather, rinse, repeat...lather, rinse, repeat... lather, WHEN DOES THIS MADNESS END! Christopher R., Portland, ME 1. Runway rash Bill S., Cape Coral, FL Top Ten Things Overheard at J-Lo's Wedding: 10. "Does this gown make my ass look big?" Philip M., Glenwood, NJ 9. "There will be fewer guests than expected. It turns out Puffy, Sean Combs, Puff Daddy and P. Diddy all got invitations" Aaron L., Madison, IN 8. "I hope she likes the George Foreman Grilling Machine I got her" Gene M., Auburn 7. "Do you pledge to take J-Lo both in bootyliciousness and non-bootyliciousness?" Ryan C., Portland, OR 6. "Is that Dave Letterman stuffing food in his pockets?" Jim K., Cincinnati, OH 5. "Check it out -- she's lipsynching her vows" Tim I., Palmdale, CA 4. "That bartender looks just like Erik Estrada -- oh wait, it is Erik Estrada!" Don R., Bismarck, ND 3. "I hope her husband can afford the payments on her butt insurance" Jim D., Pelham, AL 2. "If anyone here objects to these two people getting married, speak now or forever hold your fire" Gary G., Blue Springs, MD 1. "I do. And my butt does too" Joe S., Broken Arrow, OK Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear Inside A Movie Theater: 10. "Two adults? That'll be $52" Chris M., Columbia, MD 9. "I'm sorry, that seat is taken by my pet monkey" Bill C., Youngstown, OH 8. "I heard Steven Seagal sings and dances in this one" Jeff H., Richmond, VA 7. "I didn't know that Rogert Ebert's thumb could do that" Phil W., Newcastle, WA 6. "That's funny, the only other people in the theater are men wearing trenchcoats" Roger W., Foothill Ranch, CA 5. "Boy, it feels good to finally get these pants off" Joe M., Chesterfield, MI 4. "Do you want to see my stub?" Donna D., New Milford, CT 3. "I think my laxative just kicked in" Scott B., Sulphur, LA 2. "Oh my god! These aren't Milk Duds!" George B., Elmhurst, IL 1. "I heard this movie was as good as 'Glitter'" Sara S., Amherst, NS Top Ten Signs Your House Is Haunted By A Lame Ghost: 10. You see the wires when he floats Ben S., Livingston, NJ 9. Instead of frightening people it just complains about the weather Jeff S., Kalamazoo, MI 8. Only moaning he does is over how much money he lost on tech stocks Larry B., Northport, NY 7. Promises to keep the noises down after 10pm Jay K., Huizen, The Netherlands 6. Rearranges the furniture according to feng shui Wendy J., Alexandria, VA 5. Always asking if sheet makes him look fat Mickey K., Germanton, NC 4. October 31: sends postcard from Cancun that says "Boo" Scott S., Tokyo, Japan 3. Rather than keeping you awake with a bloodcurdling scream, can only muster a dry, hacking cough Scott L., West Boylston, MA 2. Screams when you walk into the room Howard C., Plainview, NY 1. Keep finding a copy of "Haunting for Dummies" lying around the house Michael H., Fullerton, CA Top Ten Little-Known Duties Of The Mayor Of New York City: 10. Workout partner for Al Sharpton Al H., Costa Mesa, CA 9. Operates Zamboni at all Rangers home games Michael B., Olney, IL 8. The official keeper of Letterman's hairpiece John P., Boise, ID 7. Weekly brainstorming session/ poker game with Mayor McCheese Barry D., Broken Arrow, OK 6. Kick the crap out of the mayor of Newark twice a year Andrew T., Auburndale, MA 5. Making sure that King Kong doesn't return William P., Shepherdsville, KY 4. Understudy for The Phantom Wayne S., Toms River, NJ 3. Cleans the vomit out of the cabs each morning Craig S., Heidelberg, MS 2. Hooker quality control Doug N., Watertown, SD 1. Pretending to like the Mets Justin P., Santa Monica, CA Top Ten Movies Playing In Afghanistan: 10. "Sleepless In Jalalabad" David V., Lincoln, NE 9. "Throw Osama From The Train" Neal K., Jupiter, FL 8. "Pretty Woman And Her Brutal Death By Stoning" Mike W., Seymour, CT 7. "Singing In The Reign Of Terror" Scott H., Grand Junction, CO 6. "There's Something About Christiane Amanpour" Elizabeth C., Huntington Beach, CA 5. "Riding In Cars With Boys Is Forbidden" Jeff H., Silver Spring, MD 4. "Seven Brides For One Brother" J.R. Z., Pottsville, PA 3. "When Harry Met A Veiled Woman He Assumed Was Sally" Mark C., Westminster, CO 2. "Osama, Where Art Thou?" Rita H., Harrison, AR 1. "Glitter" Pete S., Pine Beach, NJ Harry Potter's Top Ten Cool Things About Being A Wizard: 10. The school bully is now the school's mascot Rick R., Citrus Heights, CA 9. Nailing that "Sabrina, The Teenage Witch" babe at school mixers Dave S., Ankeny, IA 8. Picking up extra cash doing magic at kids' parties Chris W., West Hempstead, NY 7. Claudia Schiffer is really into magicians Missy H., Dallas, TX 6. If you want another "Police Academy" movie then you can have another "Police Academy" movie Hadley J., Sydney, Australia 5. Get to play with Michael Jordan (Oh wait, that's the only cool thing about being a Washington Wizard) Ray T., Chicago, IL 4. Joan Rivers + magic wand = Pam Anderson Brian D., Fairview, NJ 3. No more waiting for Barbra Streisand tickets James H., Springfield 2. You just started an Oprah Log and it's "Wizard Week" on Oprah beginning Monday Glenn L., Long Beach, CA 1. All the girls want to ride your broomstick Mike H., Mount Tabor, NJ Top Ten Signs The Taliban Is Getting Desperate: 10. "For Sale" signs on almost every cave Joe T., Indialantic, FL 9. To keep troops from defecting, are now allowing for casual Fridays Sean W., Nashville, TN 8. Are willing to hand over all of the Bin Laden look-a-likes to the US Mike G., Toronto, Canada 7. Last week's tactical anti-aircraft: rocket-propelled grenades. This week's tactical anti-aircraft: chuckin' rocks. Mark S., Everett, WA 6. Cancelled plans for annual Christmas trip to Branson Rich K., Oak Park, IL 5. Considering accepting invitation to appear on special terrorist edition of "The Weakest Link" Craig B., St. Louis, MO 4. Cancelled subscription to "Terrorist Monthly" Jack M., Aliso Viejo, CA 3. Consulting Martha Stewart to spice up cave decor Laura C., Falls Church, VA 2. Abundance of men with signs reading "Will rule tyranically for food" spotted on Afghan freeway offramps Jim D., Bolingbrook, IL 1. Have resorted to shamelessly begging for an appearance on a two-part "Oprah" Richard S., Port St. Lucie, FL Top Ten Least Popular Video Games: 10. Chronic Fatigue Fighter Jon T., Regina, Saskatchewan 9. Decorating With Martha Stewart 2K1 David L., Houston, TX 8. Lizzie Grubman Grand Prix Racing Greg B., Rowlett, TX 7. Third Cousin Twice Removed Pac Man Steve McL., Charlotte, NC 6. Lara Croft Sick In Bed With A Bad Cold Randy J., King, NC 5. The Al Gore Adventures Cam A., Spruce Grove, Alberta 4. Super Mario and the Taliban Cave Maze Scott H., Grand Junction, CO 3. Madden NFL Drug Testing Doug K., Anchorage, AK 2. Strip Poker with Al Roker Stan and Paul M., Seattle, WA 1. Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden? Andrew M., Alameda, CA Top Ten Signs You're At A Lame Christmas Party: 10. The coolest guy there just taught you how to "pick-up" in Klingon Derrick P., Wolfville, NS 9. Festive holiday decorations made with things the kitty coughed up Merri M., St. Paul, MN 8. Only one of the Olsen twins shows up Jory J., Chico, CA 7. The dip is seeing more action that you Donna A., Prairie, Du 6. It's taking place in an internet chat room Michael R., Cambridge, MA 5. The invitation reads, "Linda and Bill Lame cordially invite you to come celebrate the holidays" Paul N., Fulton, NY 4. You can't hear the carols because they keep bombing your cave Mike M., Albany, NY 3. Even Carrot Top left early Kevin K., Atlanta, GA 2. Your secret Santa: Osama Bin Laden Jimmy T., Scottsdale, AZ 1. Yule logs? No. Oprah Logs? Yes! Claude C., Culver City, CA Top Ten Signs Santa Is Bored With His Job: 10. Only skimming over the list he made once Mark H., Austin, TX 9. He submitted an audition tape to Survivor Kelley E., Vacaville 8. Asks everyone to allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery Klaus H., Buffalo Grove, IL 7. He's using his sleigh to pick up chicks Jay B., Benbrook, TX 6. The lazy bastard just skipped Canada Jesse P., Athens, TX 5. Instead of "On Donner, on Blitzen..." he yells, "Haul ass." Jason B., Rolette, ND 4. Santa seen bombing caves in Afghanistan Ed S., Monroe, WI 3. Turned down appearance on Oprah's Christmas Special Mike G., Coral Springs, FL 2. He couldn't give a rat's ass whether you're naughty or nice. Alan S., Northport, NY 1. "Ho Ho Ho" replaced by "Whatever" Amy S., Raleigh, NC Top Ten Least-Popular New Christmas Toys: 10. The L'il Taliban Action Kit, including fake beard Alex R., Evanston 9. Nicotine Patch Kids Jason T., Bridgewater, NJ 8. The Golden Girls' "What's That Smell?" Dolls Roger M., Toms River, NJ 7. The Anatomically Correct Sam Donaldson Doll Carlos V., Newton, NC 6. Curious George And The Suspicious Letter Eric F., Henderson, TN 5. Anything swiped by Winona Ryder Mike B., Park Hills, KY 4. Flight Simulator 2: Airport Check-In Chris L., Yorba Linda, CA 3. Tickle-Me-And-I'll-Sue-Your-Ass- For-Sexual-Harassment Elmo Mari B., Perrysburg 2. Don't Ask, Don't Tell G.I. Joe Alan C., Cincinnati, OH 1. My First Oprah Log Stephen N., Pittsburgh, PA

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