Martha Stewart's Top Ten Useful Tips for Billionaires
10. Original Van Goghs make festive place mats.
Dave H., Shelton, CT
9. Try not to be offended when someone tells you
that you look like a million bucks.
Brian E., Richlands, VA
8. Never buy a white building after Labor Day.
Tom M., Ventura, CA
7. Keep a breath mint handy during hostile takeovers.
Thomas R., Katy, TX
6. Always, and I mean always, have it Super-Sized!
Pat H., Edmonton
5. Remember to stagger dinner seating order:
billionaire, multimillionaire, billionaire.
Terry H., Lafayette, LA
4. They can't call it a sweatshop if you have central air.
Lance D., Rochester, NY
3. If you spill red wine on a white carpet --
screw it. Buy a new house.
Eric F., Ossining
2. Now that you have a billion dollars,
stop making all your stuff out of household crap.
Andy A., Toronto, Canada
1. Spend a few bucks for a real haircut (Bill Gates only).
Joe A., Pittsburgh, PA
Top Ten Euphemisms For Hitting A Home Run:
10. Sobering Yeltsin.
Andy Stocker, Los Altos, CA
9. Mounting Marge Schott.
Jeff Hayden, Richardson, TX
8. Gettin' jiggy with the upper deck.
Scott Burton, Minneapolis, MN
7. Checking the ball into the Betty Ford Center.
Matthew Scott, Fredericton New Brunswick, Canada
6. Wakin' up the Maris Family.
Dan Sweet, Lake Oswego, OR
5. Taking it to the windowless corridor.
Chris Engebretson, Boston, MA
4. Dropkicking Yoda all the way to the Death Star.
Jonathan Weiner, Dover, NJ
3. Divorcing Carmen Electra.
Arnie Bernstein, Chicago, IL
2. Going deeper than Lewinsky.
Eileen Bellabona, Lee, NH
1. Goosing a Fabio.
David Dekema, Ashburn, VA
Top Ten Other Surprises in the Hillary
Clinton Interview:
10. Desperate to get money back from that
Suzanne Somers and her Thigh-Master.
Scott Riggle, Columbus, OH
9. Always liked Kirk better than Picard.
Charlie Haase, Sacramento, CA
8. Salon perm? No, Ogilvie home perm.
John Abbott, Garden Grove, CA
7. She loves it when one of those Mets
scores a touchdown!
Chris Coletti, Vista, CA
6. She broke up The Beatles.
Brian Bailey, Covington, KY
5. Every night she and Bill fight over which
tastes better: McDonald's or Burger King.
Mike Mask, Caledonia, OH
4. When asked about dead guy on New York
subway, responded with "They got a subway now?"
Howard Polikoff, Great Neck
3. Ate a burrito the other day and now
claims to be Mexican.
Mark Turpin, Christianburg, VA
2. Buddy isn't the only neutered one in the family.
Don Fisher, Greenwood, IN
1. She stopped listening weeks ago.
Jonathan Harwell, Nashville, TN
Top Ten Things Overheard During
Kathie Lee's Last Week on "Live!":
10. "So, I hear that Regis and Gelman
formed an alliance and voted her off."
Greg H., Cincinnati, OH
9. "Cody is sure looking more and more
like Regis every day."
Brad B., Modesto
8. "Tune in next week for 'Live!
with Regis & Pamela Lee'."
Jakey T., Johnsonburg, PA
7. "Screw Disney World, I'm going to Dollywood!"
Vickie H., New Boston, TX
6. "Now we'll have to get by on the
money I make from running sweat shops."
Derek H., Denver, CO
5. "Goodbye live television. Hello
cheap dinner theater."
Jared H., Houston, TX
4. "I'm sorry Mrs. Gifford, but you'll have to
return Cody. Technically, he is the intellectual
property of ABC."
Mike G., Pittsburgh, PA
3. "Just another week and I would've nailed her."
Jim M., Devine, TX
2. "No Darva, you can't be the new co-host,
and this isn't the show where Regis
gives away a million dollars."
Corey L., Houston, TX
1. "Final answer this, Game Show Boy!"
Mario F., Austin, TX
Top Ten Ways The Country Would Be Different
If Donald Trump Were President:
10. Next Supreme Court justice chosen
by wet T-shirt contest.
Vanessa L., Philadelphia, PA
9. Two-drink minimum at all state dinners.
Dale E., Lake Mary, FL
8. State of the Union address changed
to State of My Hair address.
Jeff R., Hull, England
7. Secretary of State, Wayne Newton.
Hal K., St. Paul, MN
6. Would use weekly radio address to
call nationwide Keno game.
Jason N., Des Moines, IA
5. Alan Greenspan replaced by bookie named Vinnie.
R. Scott A., Cazenovia, NY
4. State of the Union address available
on pay-per-view for just $39.95.
Bryan C., Overland Park, KS
3. $1000-a-plate fundraisers replaced by
$2 All-You-Can-Eat buffet.
Steed Bell, Lawrence, KS
2. High rollers stay in Lincoln's bedroom for free.
Ralph C., Brookline, MA
1. American population: 35.
Canadian population: 300 million.
Sam B., Pacific Grove, CA
Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump Is
Not Running For President:
10. No hot tub in Air Force One.
Rich D., Edmonds, WA
9. Constant fighting among ex-girlfriends
as to who was his "first lady."
Max G., Sunrise, FL
8. Congress refused to sign a prenup.
Linda B., Staten Island, NY
7. Was told he'd have to pay off the national debt.
Greg H., Coon Rapids, MN
6. Have you ever moved into a house after
hillbillies have lived there?
Doug S., Rochester, NY
5. No cabinet position for Secretary of Hairspray.
Lisa P., Clifton, NJ
4. The polls show he's only carrying the
"Goldigger Supermodel" vote.
Ron C., Jacksonville, FL
3. Four years is a huge commitment.
Jimmy W., Kent, WA
2. Wants to focus energy on hosting new
"Fox" show, "How to Divorce a Multi-Millionaire."
Teresa W., Tucson, AZ
1. The pay stinks.
Linda S., Elkhart
Top Ten Ways Californians Are Conserving Energy:
10. Joan Rivers only allowed
one cosmetic surgery a month
Britani C., Dunmore
9. Relying on ambient glow from
approaching brush fires to light homes at night
Ben S., Dallas, TX
8. Romantic dates end in "luke-warm tub"
Dennis G., Houston, TX
7. Instead of using coal, Californians now
burning Burt Reynolds' old hairpieces
Amish T., Stone Mountain
6. Wait for earthquakes to mix margaritas
Nan A., Cadet, MO
5. Finally harnessing the awesome
star power of Kate Hudson
Don S., Saskatoon
4. Give O.J. a bus pass and tell him that the
next time he wants to kill two people and run away,
he needs to take public transportation
Mark S., Larchmont, NY
3. Like the original, script for Battlefield Earth
sequel to be written with all the lights off
Brian O., Louisville, KY
2. Unplug Walt Disney
Joe B., Concord, CA
1. They turn their TVs off at 11:35pm
Larry G., Newport News, VA
Top Ten Rejected Lines From "Armageddon":
10. "I never knew that Marlon Brando was
visible from outer space."
(Jonathan Fallert, York, PA)
9. "We drilled to the center of the asteroid --
and it's filled with creamy milk chocolate!"
(Blake Buzzini, Heidelberg, PA)
8. "NASA knows how to blow up an asteroid, but
still can't find a cure for my male pattern baldness!"
(Big Al Lasko, St. Adolphe, Manitoba)
7. "Will somebody turn off that damn Aerosmith song?"
(Matthew Crandall, Charlestown, RI)
6. "Does my ass look fat in this spacesuit?"
(Kevan Kerr, New York, NY)
5. "Okay, now hand me that Salad Shooter!"
(Stephanie Andrejack, Camp Hill, PA)
4. "Let's go kick the asses of those
'Deep Impact' bastards!"
(Cindy Cup Choy, Honolulu, HI)
3. "Who do you think's cuter? Me or Matt Damon?"
(Ed Hinkie, Sherman Oaks, CA)
2. "Oh my god, it killed Kenny! You bastard!"
(Ward Goaters, Tulsa, OK)
1. "Don't be afraid...Richard Simmons will save us!"
(Ben Williams, Austin, TX)
Top Ten Least-Popular Olympic Events:
10. Men's Individual Cavity Search
Michael R., Cedar, TX
9. N'Synchronized Swimming
Ryan G., Almonte, Ontario
8. The "Big Brother" Marathon
Darin B., Arlington, TX
7. Salad Shooting
Jerry H., Brownstown, MI
6. Synchronized Jazzercise
Paul B., Grand Rapids, MI
5. The Very Uneven Bars
Kaufman D., St. Mary's, PA
4. 100m Prancing
Riley W., Marshall
3. The Marge Schott-Put
Sean P., Liberal, KS
2. 100m Men's Speedo Adjustment
Adam G., Ada,OH
1. The Richard Simmons Clean-and-Jerk
Steve S.
Top Ten Ways To Make The Presidential
Debates More Exciting:
10. Replace "fuzzy math" with cute, fuzzy kittens
Jackie M., Auburn, OH
9. Candidates express their views
through interpretive dance
Randy S. Dover-Foxcroft, ME
8. Nine rounds of bare-knuckle boxing
Robert C., Spring Hill, FL
7. Allow candidates to retort with "Your mama" jokes
Pete J., Las Vegas, NV
6. Each candidate must include a floor exercise routine
Jonathan H., Nashville, TN
5. Interns under podiums
Joan L., San Francisco, CA
4. Have Monica check out their "qualifications"
Marilyn M., Tampa, FL
3. Mudslinging: Out. Mudwrestling: In!
Ron B., Houston, TX
2. Winner gets to make out with Tipper
Jarrod S., Redlands, CA
1. Ladies and gentlemen, your moderator: Anna Kournikova
Chris W., Boston, MA
Top Ten Signs Your Girlfriend's
Parents Don't Like You:
10. Dad asks you to play catch in the
front yard, then brings out a javelin.
Andrew H., Columbus, OH
9. Recommend Dr. Kevorkian as a
great "family doctor."
Nigel M., Cambridge, MA
8. You see them on a Jerry Springer
episode entitled "My Daughter's Dating a Loser!"
Bill S., Seymour, CT
7. They keep "accidentally" kneeing you in the groin.
Thomas B., Colorado Springs, CO
6. You pick her up at 7. They tell you
to have her back by 7:05.
Nate S., Detroit, MI
5. Guest chair looks unusually like electric chair.
Barry K., Montreal
4. Your Christmas stocking is
filled with reindeer ticks.
Kevin McD., Durham, NC
3. The gun-cleaning "accident."
Dan G., Christiana, DE
2. Constant comments that Anne Heche
would make a better son-in-law.
Shelley F., Tiffin, OH
1. Every time her father calls you a "major
league ass****," her Mom says, "Big-time."
Ron B., Austin, TX
Top Ten Signs Dick Clark Has Gone Nuts:
10. Missed weekly face-lift
Mark H., Reston
9. Did this year's New Year's Rockin' Eve
show from the 7-11 in Hoboken
Michael C., Birmingham, AL
8. Claims to be "the official
Dick of the millenium."
Mike W., Chicago, IL
7. Wants ABC officials to produce
special American Bandstand for kitties
Dan S., Lake Oswego, OR
6. Thinks Ed McMahon is "pretty."
Guy M., Salem, OR
5. Instead of dropping ball on New Year's
Eve, wants Puff Daddy to shoot it down
Jeff C., Beverly Hills, MI
4. Regrets "youthful appearance" pact he made
with Satan 150 years ago
Fred B., Chicago, IL
3. Subscribing to thousands of magazines
hoping to increase his chances of winning
the 10 million dollar prize
Jimmy T., Owings Mills, MD
2. Dick Clark is Chris Gaines
Steve F., Philadeplphia, PA
1. Keeps dropping his pants and raving, "Rate this!"
Mark S., Greenville, TN
Top Ten Things Overheard in
the "Big Brother" House:
10. "Between you, me and the 60 microphones,
I think you're one pretty happenin' lady."
Erich E., Spring Lake, NJ
9. "I'm sorry, but you can't stay here, Mr. Kaelin."
Tammy F., Seymour, IN
8. "If I had known we had a stripper, I would
have packed my case with one dollar bills."
Michael S., LaPorte, TX
7. "Gee, I hope those guys at 'America's
Most Wanted' aren't watching."
Ed S., Auburn, AL
6. "I hope and pray that the Jehovah's Witnesses
will arrive soon to take me away from all of you."
Jeremy M., Staunton, VA
5. "Three months without Letterman? YES!!!"
Mark R., Helena, MT
4. "Who left up the toilet seat? Let's check the tape."
Wendy S., watertown, MA
3. "What would Rudy do?"
Brian T., Yardley, PA
2. "For the love of God, cancel us already!"
Many G., Arlington
1. "I got your 'Big Brother' right here!"
Tim S., Tazewell, VA
Top Ten Least-Popular Harry Potter Books
10. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Victoria's Secrets
Jeremy C., Louisville
9. Harry Potter and the Undercooked Pork Chops
Jack B., Tulsa, OK
8. Harry Potter and the Botched Root Canal
Doug A., Paris France
7. Harry Potter and the Port Authority Men's Room
Peter B., Lafayette, CA
6. Harry Potter: My Secret Life with Burt Reynolds
Luis M., Kendall, FL
5. Harry Potter and the Case of the Fiery Ford Pinto
Paul P., Burke
4. Harry Potter and What's Really In
New York Vendors' Hot Dogs
Dave B., Fargo, ND
3. Harry Potter and the Friendly Uncle
Who Liked To Give Long Hugs
Price H., Kansas City, MO
2. Harry Potter and the 3 Hours of Community Service
Spent Picking Up Litter Off the New Jersey Turnpike
in Order to Work Off That Marijuana Possession Charge
Brian M., Baltimore, MD
1. Harry Potter Learns a Few Special
Tricks from Sigfried and Roy
Johnny H., Green Hills, TN
Top Ten Punchlines To Dirty Thanksgiving Jokes:
10. "What's David Crosby doing here
with a turkey baster?"
Mike D., Atlanta, GA
9. "Is that a horn of plenty or
are thou happy to see me?"
Keith M., Winston-Salem, NC
8. "You pull the legs apart
and I'll stuff it in."
Lonnie T., Stafford, TX
7. "Wanna dock your Mayflower
on my Plymouth Rock?"
Scott S., Las Vegas, NV
6. "That ain't turkey, but
don't stop stuffing."
Adam B., Melvern, KS
5. "Guess who's coming after dinner?"
Steve M., Raleigh, NC
4. "Looks like your gravy boat needs refilling."
Bob S., Herndon, VA
3. "Now that's what I call stuffing, Ms. Lewinsky."
Steve M., Madison, WI
2. "Butterballs."
Andy M., London, England
1. "Thanks! Thanks! Oh God, thanks!"
Doug S., Rochester, NY
Top Ten Secret Service Code Names
For George W. Bush:
10. West Wingnut
Gale S.
9. The Executioner
Ken R., Portsmouth, OH
8. Walker, Texas Ranger
Bruce W., East Lansing, MI
7. Barbara's Little Bush
Paul M., Chapleau, Ontario
6. Sir Squints-A-Lot
Alan C., Cincinnati, OH
5. Jackass
Chris Z., Hudson, WI
4. Deer In Headlights
Ben B., Birmingham, AL
3. Redneck One
Edward B., Somerville, MA
2. Mini-Bush
Karl C., Ottawa, Ontario
1. Lucky Bastard
Mark R., Helena, MT
Top Ten Reasons Ellen DeGeneres
and Anne Heche Split Up:
10. They couldn't find an old, decrepit
rock star to father their child
Jason R., Linton, IN
9. Naked Survivor guy kinda
ruined the "gay chic" craze
Erin E., Los Angeles, CA
8. Bathroom squabbles over
who had to use the "HIS" towel
Eleanor M., Cincinnatti, OH
7. A brief moment of honesty during the
daily "Do I look fat?" question-and-answer period
Steve B., Seattle, WA
6. Ellen's annoying habit of leaving the seat up
Ben C., Chicago, IL
5. Constant phone calls from David Crosby
Wayne B., St. Petersburg, FL
4. Four words: Dick Cheney love triangle
Josh B., Fort Collins, CO
3. While watching Republican convention, Ellen
commented that she "can't stand Bush."
Jon A., Davis, CA
2. The sudden realization that they are both women
Brad S., Westminster, MD
1. They still love each other -
but not in a homosexual way.
Linda O'Q, Lexington, KY
Top Ten Least-Popular Exhibits
At The Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame:
10. Virtual Reality Ride Through Elvis' Colon
Rob D., Tallahassee, FL
9. Wilson Phillips Kissing Booth
Michael W., Camp Pendleton, CA
8. Jerry Lee Lewis' Family Tree Exhibit
Rich W., Wilmington
7. Liberace's Plain Black Tux
Marie D., Saugus, MA
6. Frank Stallone: Misunderstood Genius
Scotty W., Austin, TX
5. Rorscharch Self-Test: Interpret The
Stains In Madonna's Bedsheets
Jeff B., West Chester, PA
4. The Life And Times Of That Guy Who
Used To Sing With Paul Simon
John N., Hanford, CA
3. The Keith Richards "Phlegm Through
The Years" Exhibit
Janis V., Cary, NC
2. Cher's Asses: A Visual Timeline
Tony T., Scarborough, ME
1. David Crosby's Rejected Sperm Donations
David H., Annandale, VA
Top Ten Things Overheard At The
73rd Annual Academy Awards:
10. "Isn't that sweet? Catherine Zeta Jones
brought her father with her."
Meg S., Potomac, MD
9. "Yes, I'm Sylvester Stallone. Now can I
show you to your seat?"
Dean I., Mexico City
8. "Ms. Lopez, on behalf of Federal Express I
want to apologize but we lost the rest of your blouse."
Neal B., Stonington, CT
7. "I didn't know Vincent Price could play guitar."
Jason M., Chicago, IL
6. "I think Bjork's dress is molting."
Brandon M., Cheshire, CT
5. "You were wearing pants when you came in, Mr. Heston."
Dan B., Amherst, NY
4. "Excuse me, where's the kidnappers' entrance?"
Jeff H., Richardson, TX
3. "For the love of God, someone stop Liz Taylor!
She's headed for the stage!"
Jackie M., Auburn, OH
2. "Holy crap! They are made of chocolate!"
Jon A., Ofallon, IL
1. "Dude, where's my Oscar?"
Steven S., Tallahassee, FL
Top Ten Inaccuracies In Pearl Harbor:
10.The Japanese used real bombs,
not giant Pokemon dolls
Michael F., Silver Spring, MD
9.Pacific fleet wasn't made up of
Carnival Cruise ships
Mark N., Halifax, NS
8. None of the co-pilots were Wookies
Bill B., Sarasota, FL
7. Gavin McLeod never captained the USS Arizona
Shane R., Barrie, Ontario, Canada
6. The Japanese didn't bomb Pearl Harbor
to impress Jodie Foster
Dave B., Toronto, Ontario, Canada
5. Instead of "Tora! Tora! Tora!" kamikaze
pilots shout "Oprah! Oprah! Oprah!"
Scotty W., Austin, TX
4. Kate Beckinsale's character did not have
an affair with pilot buddies "Goose" and "Maverick"
Lorena S., New York, NY
3. Technically, light sabres were not used in World War II
Anthony C., Richmond, VA
2. Japanese didn't bomb Pearl Harbor because
an American won on "Iron Chef"
Monte O., Albuquerque, NM
1. President Roosevelt did not have
Monica Lewinsky under his desk
Daniel B., New York, NY
Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Prom Date:
10. He tells you he has to check in with
his parole officer by 10pm
Andrea T., Newton Lower Falls, MA
9. He's always comparing you with his ex: Siegfried
Kaufman D., St. Mary's, PA
8. His multiple personalities argue with
each other about who should open the door for you
Brian E., Norristown, PA
7. Her parents give you permission to
not bring her home at all
Ben S., Wahoo, NE
6. He saves the last dance for his wrestling coach
David B., Beach Park, IL
5. She uses psychokinetic powers to kill
entire senior class over minor provocation
of being doused with pig's blood
Pete B., Troy, NY
4. Refuses to take prom pictures because he's
wanted in three states
Paul L., Metairie, LA
3. Your date says, "This is my 15th time around
and boy, these things get better every year"
Amy C., Seattle, WA
2. She insists you pay cash in advance
Timmy K., Mendon, MA
1. After dinner, your date says, "Wait in the car,
I left my pistol back at the restaurant"
Chris B., Berea, OH
Top Ten George W. Bush
Tips For Parenting:
10. Don't drink and drive. Drink first, then drive
Karen H., Hollywood, CA
9. Read with your children every day.
They can usually help you with the big words
Danny S., Cedar City, UT
8. Don't like your daughter's boyfriend?
Buzz his house with Air Force One
Mike W., St. Louis, MI
7. No dessert until they finish their margaritas
Cheho P., Houston, TX
6. In a pinch, Charlton Heston makes a great babysitter
Jennifer J., Hartford, WI
5. Go to morning church service so you
won't be late for "happy hour"
Debbie R., Chesapeake
4. Teach them CPR in case of a surprise Dick Cheney visit
George B., Derry, NH
3. Slumber parties should not have a two-drink minimum
Jim B., Omaha, NE
2. Remind kids, "I've got the death penalty
and I'm not afraid to use it!"
Scott T., Kensett, IA
1. Do as I did. Wait a minute. Do as I didn't.
Lisa H., Boston, MA
Top Ten Reasons "The Mummy" Returned
10. Heard Anna Nicole Smith was single again
Jason W., Walla Walla, WA
9. Unbelievable deals at "Gap for Mummies"
Monte O., Albuquerque, NM
8. New Fox show: "Who Wants To Marry
A Million Year Old Man"
Dan D., Houston, TX
7. Heard rave reviews about new "ouch-less" band-aids
Jim P., Abilene, TX
6. Goodbye, Book of the Dead. Hello, Oprah's Book Club
Wesley K., Turkey City, PA
5. Wanted to swap more near-death stories with Dick Cheney
Nicole L., Cincinnati, OH
4. After 2000 years, could use a little help from Viagra
Shawn Q., Sacramento, CA
3. To call Joan Rivers back to the crypt
Christopher S., Tucson, AZ
2. To tie up a few loose ends
Bill D., Lebanon, PA
1. He mistakenly left his pistol in the
Italian restaurant (Sorry, that's the reason
why Robert Blake returned)
Tod J., Boston, MA
Top Ten Other Rumors About Tom Cruise:
10. Dan Rather used as body double in
all shirtless "Top Gun" scenes
Chad M., Novi, MI
9. The Pontiac Aztek? His idea.
Bill P., Phoenix, AZ
8. Still uses a booster seat at the barber shop
Harris L., Voorhees, NJ
7. Leprechauns scare the bejesus out of him
D. B., Columbus
6. Refuses to dial 1-800-COLLECT to
save the people he's calling a buck or two
Matt W., Phoenix, AZ
5. Can tell you the location of each
of Richard Simmons' tattoos
Stan A., Mississauga, Ontario, Canada
4. Broke up with Nicole over the endless
argument as to whether Certs is a
candy mint or a breath mint
Hannah S., Albany, NY
3. He thought "Days of Thunder" sucked, too
Scott K., Hopkinsville, KY
2. He's planning on having a baby with David Crosby
Barry P., Melrose, NF, Canada
1. Buys booze for the Bush twins
Ken M., Graham, NC
Top Ten Signs Your Movie Critic Is Fake:
10. Was actually overheard exclaiming, "I haven't
laughed that hard since Schindler's List!"
Jared P., Sarasota, FL
9. Claims new film he just reviewed is
among the best of the "talkies"
Danny P., Atlanta, GA
8. Has never invoked the phrase, "The
feel-good movie of the summer!"
Ryan T., South Portland, ME
7. He works Pia Zadora's name into all of his reviews
Mark S., Duncansville, PA
6. A typical review: "You'll laugh, you'll cry,
you'll want to purchase a wide variety of
high-quality electronics from the good people
at Sony Corporation of America."
B. V., Hayward, CA
5. Claims to know Shrek personally
Colleen M., McKees Rocks, PA
4. In every review, he uses the word "bootylicious"
Curtis H., Chehalis, WA
3. Your critic and Jenna Bush got their
ID from the same college freshman
Steve G., Milwaukee, WI
2. Claims he's Roger Ebert but has normal-sized ass
Vern M., Cleveland, OH
1. It may be "up," but that ain't a thumb
Scott K., Hopkinsville, KY
Top Ten Signs Your Kid Is A Robot:
10. Potty training requires upgrade to Windows 2000
Rick B., Americus, GA
9. Insists on calling the washing machine "Mommy"
Ken S., Boston, MA
8. He has a part time job as an ATM
Chuck P., Cleveland, OH
7. Starts sweating whenever someone uses the can opener
Paul D., Wilkes-Barre, PA
6. Gets real quiet when you hit the
mute button on the remote
Sam W., Smyer
5. Created a nuclear particle accelerator
from a bucket full of Legos
Mark D., Columbus, IN
4. Staggers in from a Saturday night with
friends reeking of WD-40
Brian C., Winston-Salem, NC
3. Calls going to the bathroom "downloading"
Brian C., Long Island, NY
2. Oil stains on the bed sheets
Paul C., Sammamish, WA
1. Calls Al Gore "incredibly life-like"
Ed M., Cleveland, OH
Top Ten Rejected Names For Firecrackers:
10. Martha Stewart's Hot Flash
John P., Libertyville, IL
9. Baby's First Third-Degree Burn
Cliff T., Montgomery, AL
8. The Exploding Firestone
Dan C., LaGrange, IL
7. Bob Dole's Viagra Rocket
April D., Calgary, Alberta, Canada
6. Whistling Lewinsky
John F., Orem, UT
5. Dude, Where's My Hand?
Steven S., Tallahassee, FL
4. The Jenna Bush Beer Bottle Rocket
Stu H., Canton, IL
3. Giuliani Marriage Fizzler
Tim M., Elk Grove, CA
2. Robert Blake's Spiraling Alibi
Bruce T., Louisville, KY
1. Richard Simmons' Flaming Balls
Ned B., Corryton, TN
Top Ten Signs You're On A Lame Reality Show:
10. Instead of cameras, you're followed by
a courtroom sketch artist who draws real fast
Bill D., Rochester, NY
9. Immunity challenge is having to shake
exactly two aspirin out of the bottle
Jen M., San Diego, CA
8. You arrive on the island only to find a
high-pressure sales pitch for time share condos
Michael J., Arlington, VA
7. Camera crew consists of two sweaty
old guys and a Polaroid
Krista H., Cincinnati, OH
6. Group challenge is to set the VCR clock
James W., Fallston, MD
5. You're handcuffed naked to three other
people in Rick James' apartment
Roger P., Tyler, TX
4. Last one to bleed to death wins four bucks
Gregory C., Ottawa
3. Instead of Jeff Probst and a deserted island,
it's O.J. Simpson and a dark alley
Chris B., Berea, OH
2. It's just a bunch of naked fat guys
chained to Richard Simmons
Mark M., St. Cloud, MN
1. You're holed up with a guy named Bunky
Richard H., Worcester, MA
Top Ten Little-Known Click below to go to |
