1995!

These Top Ten Lists were compiled by Sue Trowbridge. For more information please contact topten-request@clark.net > From New York: Tastes just like chicken ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, January 2, 1995. And now, White House spokesperson ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD IN TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE 10. "I'm a New York public school graduate; what comes after 10, 9, 8?" 9. "Is Al Sharpton in a diaper really the best choice for Baby New Year?" 8. "Look at the fine detail. The workmanship. The craftsmanship. Dick Clark's face is amazing!" 7. "How much for the 9mm 'noisemaker'?" 6. "Wow! Almost as much vomit as St. Patrick's Day!" 5. "3...2...1...Now give me your wallet!" 4. "Look -- on top of the ball. It's Andrew Giuliani!" 3. "Cool! A giant pinata filled with rats!" 2. "You know, Dr. Elders, 'stroke of midnight' is just an expression." 1. "Auld Lang Syne this!" [Music: "42nd Street"] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: Free apple pie if we don't say "Have a nice day" ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, January 3, 1995. And now, a man who inflates on impact ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NEW GOVERNOR ISN'T WORKING OUT 10. Instead of holding up his hand when being sworn in, he holds up his middle finger 9. Exchanges all dollars in state treasury for pesos 8. Shows up at first press conference dressed as Batman 7. When reminded of campaign promises, he says "Hey, I was a different person back then" 6. Orders state police to start rounding up babes "Arkansas-style" 5. No one knows why, but every carnival operating in the state has to show him their fat lady 4. He shows up to work with lunch box full of crack 3. Legally changes state's name to "Patakiland" 2. He's caught firing shots at his own home 1. Opens inaugural speech with "Hello, suckers!" [Music: "Perdido"] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: 15 grams of fat per serving ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, January 4, 1995. And now, a man who is watching that Newt Gingrich like a hawk ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN RESPONSIBILITIES OF THE NEW CONGRESSMEN 10. Watch orientation film: "The Wonderful World of Graft and Kickbacks" 9. Bring bags of ice cubes up to Ted Kennedy's office 8. Sweep up the shell casings outside White House gate 7. Make sure Cher gets alimony check on time (Sonny Bono only) 6. Run the projector at Clarence Thomas' parties 5. Empty Jesse Helms' spittoon 4. Collect hair clippings from Capitol barber shop floor; start makin' wigs for Bob Dole 3. Start kissing Newt's ass 2. When finished kissing Newt's ass, consider kissing it a little more 1. Get fresh drinks for the hookers [Music: "Politician" by Cream] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: Use of certain types of portable electronic devices prohibited ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, January 5, 1995. And now, your voucher for fun ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOU BOUGHT A BAD COMPUTER 10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-Sketch" on it 9. Its celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy 8. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car 7. You know them floppy disks? Well this baby's got a floppy keyboard! 6. You type in: "Need comedy bit for talk show"; it prints out: "stunt doubles" 5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling 4. Screen frequently freezes and message comes up "Ain't it break- time, Chester?" 3. The manual contains one sentence: "Good luck!" 2. The only chip inside is a Dorito 1. It cyber-sucks! [Music: "Bad" by Michael Jackson] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: No mustache, no service ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, January 6, 1995. And now, former North American welterweight boxing champion ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS CONNIE CHUNG HAS GONE NUTS 10. Signed off evening news by French kissing Dan Rather 9. Shows up for interviews in Catwoman costume 8. Has accepted marriage proposal from Michael Jackson 7. "Born to co-anchor" tattoo 6. It was funny at first, but now I'm tired of her busting into my house 5. Closes every broadcast with a Helen Reddy song 4. Thinks CBS eye is watching her in dressing room 3. Yesterday at CBS commissary, knocked Mike Wallace senseless over the last burrito 2. Now trying to have a baby with Richard Simmons 1. While in bed with Maury, keeps yelling, "This just in!" [Music: "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: If New York is not in your travel plans this evening, we suggest you deplane at this time ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, January 9, 1995. And now, that yodeling fool ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT GRACELAND ON ELVIS' 60TH BIRTHDAY 10. "It's incredible -- he's actually gained weight since he died!" 9. "Did that recipe call for eight or nine cups of lard?" 8. "I'm sorry, Mr. Jackson. The monkey will have to wait outside the gate" 7. "I hear Elvis' ghost just signed an endorsement deal with Zima" 6. "Put that gun away -- this ain't the White House!" 5. "Amazing! His bedroom still smells like peanut butter!" 4. "My name is Mario Cuomo & I'll be your Graceland tour guide" 3. "It could've been worse. She could have married Tito" 2. "If Elvis were alive, he'd be perfect for playing 'Would you like to eat that in here?'" [Earlier in the show, Dave had invited three college students from Nebraska to finish their restaurant meals in the theater.] 1. "I'm not an Elvis impersonator, dammit -- I'm Roseanne!" [Music: "Memphis, Tennessee" by Chuck Berry] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: Recycle this! ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, January 11, 1995. And now, a man with a cold that would kill any other talk show host ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN DAN QUAYLE PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGANS 10. "Isn't it time we had a decent golfer in the White House?" 9. "I'm not half as terrifying as that Newt guy" 8. "Don't worry -- the surgeons didn't touch my brain!" 7. "Vote for change -- vote for a Republican draft dodger!" 6. "Quayle is as Quayle does" 5. "Quayle: The Other White Meat" 4. "I promise I'll let Marilyn run the country" 3. "Starts with Q -- just like courage!" 2. "Not dumb and dumber. Dumbest" 1. "Huh?" [Music: "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off," composed by George and Ira Gershwin] [Tuesday's music: "I Will Follow Him" by Little Peggy March. Thanks to Tom Whalen and Richard Handal .] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: The second blade shaves even closer... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, January 10, 1995. And now, the starting quarterback for the national champion Nebraska Cornhuskers... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE FIRST TOM SNYDER SHOW 10. He spent the entire hour yelling, "I'm on TV! I'm on TV!" 9. Made guests sit on his lap 8. Referred to himself as "the artist formerly known as Tom Snyder" 7. Tom's wacky next-door neighbor? Kramer 6. Kept trying to sell viewers his "Snydic Track" exercise machine 5. His hairpiece is even worse than mine 4. On-air proposal to Lisa Marie 3. The dude be speaking Spanish 2. His top ten list got more laughs than ours 1. The nose ring Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: Side effects not yet known ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, January 13, 1995. And now, the CBS employee of the month ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR WAITER 10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip 9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?" 8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Sucks!" 7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage" 6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!" 5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil 4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?" 3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard 2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna take a leak in the chowder!" 1. Three words: eat the check [Music: "Fire" by the Ohio Players] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: Help, officer, I've been pantsjacked ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, January 12, 1995. And now, outgoing president of the Times Square Jaycees ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN WAYS HILLARY CLINTON CAN IMPROVE HER IMAGE 10. Two words: Wonder Bra 9. Market her own wine cooler called "Whitewater" 8. Sneak up behind Warren Christopher at press conferences, yank on his jowls 7. Reveal real first name on "Seinfeld" 6. Model herself after the Quaker Oats guy like Barbara Bush did 5. If all else fails, bomb the hell out of Iraq 4. Show kids the dangers of crack by smoking some on "Meet the Press" 3. Make more public appearances with Letterman's mom [video clip of Dorothy and Hillary at the Winter Olympics] 2. Start doin' it with the Newt-man 1. Lose Hillbilly Boy [Music: "Bitch" by the Rolling Stones] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: Side effects not yet known ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, January 13, 1995. And now, the CBS employee of the month ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR WAITER 10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip 9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?" 8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Sucks!" 7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage" 6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!" 5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil 4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?" 3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard 2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna take a leak in the chowder!" 1. Three words: eat the check [Music: "Fire" by the Ohio Players] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: Featuring the fat lady singing -- unplugged ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, January 16, 1995. And now, the mayor of Times Square ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN ANNOUNCEMENTS THAT WILL MAKE NEW YORKERS GO NUTS [Presented by New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani] 10. 100 dollar tax rebate each time someone gives you the finger! 9. Tap water now available in "chunky-style"! 8. Oprah is moving to New York! 7. Free tacos for all the ladies! 6. Letterman's splitting his paycheck with us! 5. New ordinance requires one Gap store per citizen! 4. The Upper West Side is now clothing-optional! 3. New law: lose your friend's brooch and you're going to jail for life! [Earlier in the show, Dave made a "bad phone call" on behalf of an audience member who had lost an antique brooch lent to her by her best friend.] 2. The Ed Sullivan Theater is too damn cold! 1. We're invading New Jersey! [Music: "New York, New York"] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: No responsibility for property lost or stolen ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, January 17, 1995. And now, your television pal ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN DALLAS COWBOY EXCUSES 10. Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills 9. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce booth 8. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels 7. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal" 6. Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards 5. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down 4. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie! 3. Felt weird after eating bloody clams [During a "Supermarket Finds" segment, Dave displayed a can of bloody clams] 2. What a time to notice -- them cheerleader outfits is skimpy! 1. Tired of going to Disneyland [Music: "I'm a Loser" by the Beatles] > From New York: Guilty as charged, your honor ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, January 18, 1995. And now, Belgian kickboxing star... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN CHAPTER TITLES IN NEWT GINGRICH'S BOOK 10. "My life on the streets as 'Newt Doggy Dogg'" 9. "A muzzle for Mother" 8. "101 funny anecdotes involving Ted Kennedy, Chivas and no pants" 7. "Bad idea: my one date with Barney Frank" 6. "Let's bomb Ontario!" 5. "'Nude' + 'cute' = 'Newt'!" 4. "Learning to live with Donahue's hair" 3. "How to make love to a woman 'Newty-style'" 2. "Betsy Ross: Man, that bitch could sew!" 1. "Kiss my Republican ass!" [Music: "You Can't Judge a Book By Its Cover" by Bo Diddley] > From New York: Guilty as charged, your honor ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, January 18, 1995. And now, Belgian kickboxing star... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN CHAPTER TITLES IN NEWT GINGRICH'S BOOK 10. "My life on the streets as 'Newt Doggy Dogg'" 9. "A muzzle for Mother" 8. "101 funny anecdotes involving Ted Kennedy, Chivas and no pants" 7. "Bad idea: my one date with Barney Frank" 6. "Let's bomb Ontario!" 5. "'Nude' + 'cute' = 'Newt'!" 4. "Learning to live with Donahue's hair" 3. "How to make love to a woman 'Newty-style'" 2. "Betsy Ross: Man, that bitch could sew!" 1. "Kiss my Republican ass!" [Music: "You Can't Judge a Book By Its Cover" by Bo Diddley] > From New York: Standing room only ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, January 19, 1995. And now, Ben and Jerry's silent partner ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LEGAL TEAM IS FALLING APART 10. Instead of "Objection!" they keep shouting "Bingo!" 9. They keep asking you: "Would it kill you to say you did it?" 8. They're suing each other over the last cheese Danish 7. Before doing anything, they ask themselves, "How would Matlock handle this?" 6. The only motion they make involves their middle fingers 5. They giggle uncontrollably every time anyone says "briefs" 4. They've enlisted the services of Mr. Doug Llewellyn 3. They repeatedly scream at each other, "You crazy!" [video clip of Mujibur and Sirajul shouting "You crazy!" in a Court TV parody] 2. They begin each argument by saying, "Bitchin' robe, Your Honor!" 1. Jacoby trying to strangle Meyers [Music: "Pick up the Pieces" by Average White Band] > From New York: Standing room only ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, January 19, 1995. And now, Ben and Jerry's silent partner ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LEGAL TEAM IS FALLING APART 10. Instead of "Objection!" they keep shouting "Bingo!" 9. They keep asking you: "Would it kill you to say you did it?" 8. They're suing each other over the last cheese Danish 7. Before doing anything, they ask themselves, "How would Matlock handle this?" 6. The only motion they make involves their middle fingers 5. They giggle uncontrollably every time anyone says "briefs" 4. They've enlisted the services of Mr. Doug Llewellyn 3. They repeatedly scream at each other, "You crazy!" [video clip of Mujibur and Sirajul shouting "You crazy!" in a Court TV parody] 2. They begin each argument by saying, "Bitchin' robe, Your Honor!" 1. Jacoby trying to strangle Meyers [Music: "Pick up the Pieces" by Average White Band] > From New York: Standing room only ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, January 19, 1995. And now, Ben and Jerry's silent partner ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LEGAL TEAM IS FALLING APART 10. Instead of "Objection!" they keep shouting "Bingo!" 9. They keep asking you: "Would it kill you to say you did it?" 8. They're suing each other over the last cheese Danish 7. Before doing anything, they ask themselves, "How would Matlock handle this?" 6. The only motion they make involves their middle fingers 5. They giggle uncontrollably every time anyone says "briefs" 4. They've enlisted the services of Mr. Doug Llewellyn 3. They repeatedly scream at each other, "You crazy!" [video clip of Mujibur and Sirajul shouting "You crazy!" in a Court TV parody] 2. They begin each argument by saying, "Bitchin' robe, Your Honor!" 1. Jacoby trying to strangle Meyers [Music: "Pick up the Pieces" by Average White Band] > From New York: Home of the AFC Champion San Diego Chargers ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, January 20, 1995. And now, cyberhost ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN WAYS THE NEW YORK RANGERS SPENT THEIR TIME OFF [Presented by members of the New York Rangers hockey team] 10. Joy riding on the zamboni 9. Skeet shooting on the White House lawn 8. Watching Oprah! 7. You know that adorable skating bunny in the Ice Capades? That was me! 6. Watched tape of 1994 Stanley Cup Game 7 -- 300 times! 5. Trying to make time with Susan Powter 4. Playing golf with the Yankees 3. Eating! 2. Keeping my stick waxed, if you know what I mean 1. Doing Stanley Cup-sized Jello shots [Music: "We are the Champions" by Queen] > From New York: Home of the AFC Champion San Diego Chargers ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, January 20, 1995. And now, cyberhost ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN WAYS THE NEW YORK RANGERS SPENT THEIR TIME OFF [Presented by members of the New York Rangers hockey team] 10. Joy riding on the zamboni 9. Skeet shooting on the White House lawn 8. Watching Oprah! 7. You know that adorable skating bunny in the Ice Capades? That was me! 6. Watched tape of 1994 Stanley Cup Game 7 -- 300 times! 5. Trying to make time with Susan Powter 4. Playing golf with the Yankees 3. Eating! 2. Keeping my stick waxed, if you know what I mean 1. Doing Stanley Cup-sized Jello shots [Music: "We are the Champions" by Queen] > From New York: Try our tangy mustard vinaigrette ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, January 23, 1995. And now, the new James Bond ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN NAMES FOR THE ROLLING STONES' TOUR [Originally broadcast 5/4/94] 10. Van Full of Grandpas 9. The Rolling Stones Live Plus Keith Richards 8. Guitar-Playin' Geezers 7. Brown Sugar and Lots of Bran 6. Metamusic 5. The "140 Million In the Bank Isn't Enough" Tour 4. Cocoon 3 3. Hey! You! Get Offa My Barcalounger! 2. "Instruments Hooked Up to the Clapper" Tour 1. Grumpy Old Men [Music: "The Flintstones" theme] > From New York: Try our tangy mustard vinaigrette ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, January 23, 1995. And now, the new James Bond ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN NAMES FOR THE ROLLING STONES' TOUR [Originally broadcast 5/4/94] 10. Van Full of Grandpas 9. The Rolling Stones Live Plus Keith Richards 8. Guitar-Playin' Geezers 7. Brown Sugar and Lots of Bran 6. Metamusic 5. The "140 Million In the Bank Isn't Enough" Tour 4. Cocoon 3 3. Hey! You! Get Offa My Barcalounger! 2. "Instruments Hooked Up to the Clapper" Tour 1. Grumpy Old Men [Music: "The Flintstones" theme] > From New York: Stand clear of closing doors ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, January 24, 1995. And now, the real life inspiration for Forrest Gump ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LOCAL TV WEATHERMAN IS NUTS [Originally broadcast 10/3/94] 10. Every night, his forecast is: "It's raining men, hallelujah!" 9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him 8. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer 7. "Satellite photos" look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe 6. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth 5. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon 4. Every night he says, "Lordy mama, it's gonna rain root beer tomorrow!" 3. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger 2. Looks a lot like this pinhead (videotape of Dave in his TV weatherman days) 1. He's got a tropical storm in his pants [Music: "I've Gotta Be Me," popularized by Sammy Davis Jr.] > From New York: Hey, it was broken when it got here ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, January 25, 1995. And now, a man who can't stop saying "Gillooly" ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN A MEDAL [Originally broadcast 2/11/94] 10. Instead of music, you're ice dancing to Larry King's radio show 9. Right this minute you're shoveling driveways for beer money 8. You're the only speed skater not wearing pants 7. Two words: Team Fiji 6. Instead of the Olympic Village you're staying at the Lillehammer Days Inn 5. You're in the biathlon and you exchanged your rifle for a Toys 'R' Us gift certificate 4. It takes a bottle of corn oil to get you in and out of your luge suit 3. You trained for the last 4 years by throwing hatchets at your living room wall (videotape of Dave throwing axes into the wall of "his" living room) 2. Your ice dancing partner is Roseanne Arnold 1. Your name is Tonya Harding [Music: Olympic theme] > From New York: 100 percent financing available ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, January 26, 1995. And now, the voice of Disney's lovable Lion King ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT PRESIDENT CLINTON'S 30TH HIGH SCHOOL REUNION [Originally broadcast 7/25/94] 10. "More Whitewater punch, Mr. President?" 9. "President Clinton rubbed up against me. How much do you think I could sue for?" 8. "Howsabout lowering taxes for your old gym class buddy?" 7. "So I suggested to the student council: Screw bake sales! Let's just tax the bastards!" 6. "Bill, do you plan to move back to Arkansas in 1996?" 5. "Screw the deficit -- time to mambo!" 4. "Well Mr. Bully isn't so tough now that I control nuclear weapons, is he?" 3. "Anybody have any idea what the hell Reagan's doing here?" 2. "Hey, Lard Ass. How's that health care crap going?" 1. "Run for your lives! He's got the saxophone!" [Music: "Smokin' In The Boys' Room" by Brownsville Station] > From New York: Far above the arctic circle ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, January 27, 1995. And now, a man who wears his tie in the shower ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN WAYS THE U.S. OPEN WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF IT WERE HELD ON THE MOON [Originally broadcast 9/7/94] 10. Guy hits a lob on Tuesday, opponent returns it on Wednesday 9. Announcer keeps saying lame things like "That's one short volley for man, one giant match point for mankind" 8. In space, no one can hear John McEnroe scream 7. If players argue, umpire cuts off their oxygen 6. Final round: Michael Stich vs. one of them Star Trek dudes 5. Lots of laughs when line judge and his tall chair get knocked over by a low-flying comet 4. "Sampras has just smashed another blistering 2 mile an hour serve!" 3. Spectator Rush Limbaugh mistaken for Goodyear Blimp 2. Serve one really hard and it goes all the way around and hits you in the ass 1. Two words: floatin' trophies [Music: "Walking On the Moon" by the Police] > From New York: Land of enchantment ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, January 30, 1995. And now, Swedish supergroup ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SAN DIEGO CHARGERS EXCUSES 10. Thought we were going to be playing against them Budweiser bottles 9. We were frightened and disoriented by halftime show 8. Some kid in section E, row 11 kept yelling, "Chargers suck!" 7. Wanted to get billion-dollar endorsement deals because of who we are, not because we won some stupid game! 6. If only we'd had Shapiro and Cochran on defense 5. Ate free bags of Doritos until we were sick to our stomachs 4. Have you ever seen a Super Bowl ring up close? Piece of crap 3. Hard to concentrate when you're having erotic fantasies about Kathie Lee 2. Pre-game pep talk by Marv Levy 1. We've already been to Disneyland [Music: "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix] > From New York: A sleepy little village on the banks of the Hudson ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, January 31, 1995. And now, a sweetheart of the rodeo ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE 10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?" 9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and _____" 8. The best term to describe you is "super hairy" 7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels 6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device 5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutang 4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no" 3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater 2. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date" 1. Richard Simmons never follows you home [Music: "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart] > From New York: Future home of the Houston Astrodome ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, February 1, 1995. And now, a man with a rack and pinion hairpiece ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN WAYS TO ANNOY JUDGE ITO 10. Insist on taking the oath with your right hand on his beard 9. Point out that in Spanish, "Judge-Ito" means "little judge" 8. Introduce him to one of the Jackson family just so you can say: "Tito, Ito ... Ito, Tito" 7. Pull robe over head. Spin. Push into street 6. Tell him you thought he was great as Sulu on the old "Star Trek" 5. Keep calling his private phone number, ask to speak to Doug Llewellyn 4. Ask if you could have a conjugal visit with him 3. Put sugar in the gas tank of the Lancemobile 2. Ask permission to have a television camera in his pants 1. Call him "Judge Beardo" [Music: "Divine Hammer" by the Breeders] > From New York: Blowhards welcome ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, February 2, 1995. And now, a man who puts the "fab" in Fabio ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN HOT DOG VENDOR PICK UP LINES [Presented by New York City hot dog vendors] 10. "I'm a hot dog vendor by day, a love machine by night" 9. "If you're not a health inspector, I'd like to get to know you better" 8. "I'm a close personal friend of Oscar Mayer" 7. "You smell like sauerkraut" 6. "When I think about you, I touch my hot dogs" 5. "May I put your change in your pocket for you?" 4. "Are you beautiful, or am I loopy on bus fumes?" 3. "Please, I beg you -- I'm a very lonely man" 2. "I'll make you queen of the wieners" 1. "Kiss me and the dog is free" [Music: "Pick up the Pieces" by the Average White Band] > From New York: Where the corn is as high as an elephant's eye ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, February 3, 1995. And now, fresh from your grocer's dairy case ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN LEAST CONVINCING ALIBIS 10. I was out drinking beer and picking up babes with Richard Simmons 9. Busy trying to get Connie Chung pregnant 8. Home watching CBS primetime 7. Playing ping pong with Carol Channing (videotape of Dave and Carol playing ping pong) 6. Out buying hams for the audience! 5. Was attending a PBS fundraiser with Newt Gingrich 4. Spent entire weekend trying to suck myself into a Pepsi bottle 3. Hypnotized by the sound of Casey Kasem's voice 2. Alone in my room doing some of that Joycelyn Elders stuff 1. I'm Batman! [Bonus List - Presented by Senator Robert Dole] TOP SEVEN WAYS TO BALANCE THE BUDGET 7. Stop paying Clinton speechwriters by the word 6. Get Letterman to pay his speeding tickets 5. Serve canned hams at all White House state dinners 4. Save government ink by replacing long "William Jefferson Clinton" signature with 70% shorter "Bob Dole" signature 3. Make Gore and Gingrich pay for those good seats at State of the Union address 2. Fire White House gardeners. Al Gore can earn his keep by mowing the lawn 1. Arkansas? Sell it [Music: "Cuts Like a Knife" by Bryan Adams] > From New York: A bloody good city, matey ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, February 6, 1995. And now, available in seven fruity flavors ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS THAT IT'S TOO DAMN COLD 10. People buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants 9. Dan and Connie doing the news huddled together in a sleeping bag 8. Mob corpses seen skidding across the East River 7. Times Square strip clubs advertising "Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!" 6. Mario Cuomo making a fortune shoveling walks 5. Vendors selling down-filled hot dogs 4. This morning, Triple-A had to jumpstart Andrew Giuliani 3. People coming into Ed Sullivan Theater just to get warm 2. Instead of the finger, New Yorkers giving each other the mitten 1. Cabbies wearing flannel turbans [Music: "She's So Cold" by the Rolling Stones] > From New York: Try our East River sushi ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, February 7, 1995. And now, the star of the pro bowl halftime show ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SHOCKING REVELATIONS IN CLINTON'S NEW BIOGRAPHY 10. Regretted not serving in military after learning about the free meals 9. Has had sex in every Taco Bell in District of Columbia 8. When he first entered the White House, he yelled, "Look Hillary! Indoor plumbing!" 7. Only real father figure he ever had? Janet Reno 6. Secret goal: beat Wilt Chamberlain's career record of 20,000 women 5. Whatever his problems are, it ain't for lack of a good breakfast 4. As grade school homeroom representative, ordered safety patrol to round up cute girls 3. Privately refers to Newt Gingrich as "a bitch" 2. While studying at Oxford, got it on with the Queen 1. Real name: Bubba Bubba-Ghali [Music: "Revolution" by the Beatles] > From New York: Just across the Atlantic from Europe ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, February 8, 1995. And now, the voice of the Grand Old Opry for 35 years ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN THINGS DAN RATHER WOULD NEVER SAY ON THE CBS EVENING NEWS 10. "I'm Dan Rather, your love anchor" 9. "Connie, mind if I borrow your mascara?" 8. "Wanna buy a fake Rolex?" 7. "And now a report from our White House correspondent, Howie Mandel" 6. "Maybe Letterman ought to spend some of that big-time TV-money on better wigs" 5. "That's the news, I'm Oprah Winfrey" 4. "Hey, let's bomb Alaska!" 3. "Honey, I'll be home soon -- have the tequila ready" 2. "Good evening, I'm Dan Rather and I'm not wearing pants" 1. "I made that last story up" [Music: CBS News theme] > From New York: ... Lookee here, Billy -- flying saucers ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, February 9, 1995. And now, America's favorite dessert topping ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS NEWT GINGRICH HAS GONE MAD WITH POWER 10. Has beaten several Democrats to death with his gavel 9. Now claiming he invented the Fig Newton 8. Sending bus full of Cub Scouts to conquer Mexico 7. U.S. map on office wall reads "Newt York" and "Newt Jersey" 6. Insists Ed Sullivan Theater be kept freezing cold -- and there's not a damn thing we can do about it! 5. Has written new book: "Newt Gingrich's Contract With My Pants" 4. Begins every session of Congress by singing "I Got You Babe" with Sonny Bono 3. Actually thinks he's got as much power as Hillary 2. He's been sportin' one of them Ito beards 1. Two words: the crown > From New York: ... the ultimate romantic getaway ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, February 10, 1995. And now, a man who performs his own stunts ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN REASONS DAN QUAYLE DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE 10. Manager at Dairy Queen wouldn't give him time off to campaign 9. Couldn't decide which Power Ranger to choose as running mate 8. Wants to devote more time to looking for Waldo 7. Has decided to run for President of Indiana instead 6. Didn't know whether or not there was an 'E' at the end of Quayle 5. Afraid that if elected, he'd have to do whatever Hillary says 4. Doesn't want to live in a house that everybody keeps shooting at 3. Scared folks might find out he's one can short of a six-pack 2. Just signed to co-star with Jim Carrey in 'Dumb and Dumber 2' 1. He's yella > From New York: The wild, wild East ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, February 13, 1995. And now, the replacement shortstop for the New York Mets ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS NO ONE WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE 10. Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you 9. Fox is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted" 8. You get a heart-filled box filled with angry hornets 7. The babes just don't seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform 6. You're taking private tutorials with Joycelyn Elders 5. You have one of them handsome Ito beards -- and you're a woman 4. The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower Administration 3. You spend your vacation chasin' lizards 2. The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy 1. You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt" [Music: "My Funny Valentine" by Rodgers and Hart] > From New York: Actually "New Improved York" ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, February 14, 1995. And now, that tap dancing fool ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN WEIRD LOOKING DOGS 10. Obsessed with Wilford Brimley (Scotch terrier with whiskers) 9. Minoxydil in his Alpo (long-haired sheepdog) 8. Picks up free HBO (Boston terrier with big ears) 7. Gooned on malt liquor (big, droopy-faced dog) 6. Previously owned by Lyle Lovett (pompadoured poodle) 5. Grand champion: Static Cling division (very fluffy chow) 4. Needs a flea collar (bearded man) 3. On loan from a car wash (black dog with dreadlocks) 2. The third Menendez brother (worried-looking dog in cage) 1. Ed Sullivan Theater rat (tiny black terrier) [Music: "Do the Dog" by Rufus Thomas] > From New York: Land of Lincoln ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, February 15, 1995. And now, a man based on a real life character ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT ROSEANNE'S WEDDING 10. "Honey, don't you think we should leave some cake for the guests?" 9. "Friends of the bride and bridegroom sit to the left, tabloid reporters posing as guests, sit to the right" 8. "Man -- that Boutros Boutros can really dance!" 7. "I like this place. I hope she has her next wedding here" 6. "I've never seen a wedding toast made with gravy" 5. "The receiving line? It's over there next to the tattoo booth" 4. "I don't see your name on the guest list, Mr. Arnold" 3. "A 14-slice toaster! Perfect!" 2. "Do I get my sitcom now, Rosie?" 1. "I do ... for now" [Music: "Cut the Cake" by the Average White Band] > From New York: The pearl of the Piedmont ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, February 16, 1995. And now, the creator of his own new fragrance, "Dave" ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN WAYS NEW YORK CITY IS CUTTING BACK 10. From now on only one pantsless guy on the D train 9. Calling 911 is now $3.99 for the first minute, $2.99 each additional minute 8. Starting March 1, Brooklyn Bridge ends 75 feet short of Brooklyn 7. U-Drive-'Em subway trains 6. No more pension plan for hookers 5. Entire fire department replaced by one fast little mother with a bucket 4. EMS no longer responding to cases of Pataki fever 3. City will stop sandblasting and repainting Leona Helmsley 2. Letterman and Giuliani must share the same hairpiece 1. Selling the Bronx to New Jersey [Music: "Cut the Cake" by the Average White Band] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: City on the edge ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, February 17, 1995. And now, the reason they put erasers on pencils ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND BETTER WHEN SUNG BY A BARBERSHOP QUARTET [Presented by the Westchester Airs barbershop quartet] 10. We're not wearing underpants! 9. Hey! Does this look infected to you? 8. Lance Ito is neato! 7. My friend Jimmy was crushed by a giant squid! 6. We're freezing our asses off in here! 5. Letterman, in person, you're one ugly bastard! 4. Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali! 3. Give me your wallet or I'll kick you in the groin! 2. Good Lord almighty, this taxicab smells like urine! 1. Bite me! Bite me! Bite me! [Music: "Sweet Adeline"] > From New York: Take two tablets three times daily, or something like that ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, February 20, 1995. And now, a man who's available in half sizes ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE NOT WATCHING A REAL BASEBALL TEAM 10. You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes earlier 9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip 8. They keep shouting "Do over!" 7. When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speakin' French 6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals 5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert. 4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!" 3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups 2. You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!" 1. They play like the Mets > From New York: Where every day is April Fool's Day ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, February 21, 1995. And now, the guy you saw outside the theater scalping tickets ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE REPUBLICAN WEEKEND 10. "Hey, Rush -- that pot roast is for everybody!" 9. "Why does everybody keep referring to this place as 'Newt Hampshire'?" 8. "Screw the election -- let's go see that Brady Bunch movie!" 7. "Run for your lives! It's Eisenhower!" 6. "Once, I seen Dave Letterman open a ham using nothin' but a taxicab!" 5. "We've all had it -- Oprah just announced her candidacy!" 4. "Forget the issues -- what do you boys think about O.J.?" 3. "Gerald Ford and George Bush just went to the golf course to kill a couple of spectators" 2. "My dream ticket in '96? Kemp and Gump!" 1. "Hey, Senator Dole -- the Ito beard really works!" [Music: "Wild Weekend"] > From New York: It's quiet, yeah, TOO quiet ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, February 22, 1995. And now, a man who won this year's makeover contest ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SURPRISES IN THE BRADY BUNCH MOVIE 10. Instead of Alice in the live-in maid, it's Kato the live-in houseboy 9. Bobby gets sent off to an orphanage by Newt Gingrich 8. Some dork with a bad hairpiece keeps asking the Bradys about their "brushes with the law" 7. By the end, all three of the boys have been married to Roseanne 6. Wacky new foreign cousin: Boutros Boutros-Brady 5. The kids bear a striking resemblance to Mom's high school sweetheart, Bill Clinton 4. Cindy grounded for two weeks after firing shots at the White House 3. Every part is played by Paul Shaffer 2. Gripping scene in which Mom O.D.'s and Dad plunges a hypodermic needle into her heart 1. They keep "gettin' it on" with the Osmonds [Music: "The Brady Bunch" theme song] > From New York: Where it's a lovely day in the neighborhood ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, February 23, 1995. And now, a man who's easier said than done ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE GAMBLING FEVER [Presented by Wayne Newton from the Luxor Hotel, Las Vegas] 10. At this year's Super bowl you lost $10,000 on the Buffalo Bills 9. Whenever you meet someone, you put a coin in his mouth and start yanking on his arm 8. You're wearin' green felt underpants 7. When you order at Wendy's you say, "I'd like to double down on some of them biggie fries" 6. You just can't tear yourself away from the slots [videotape of Mujibur and Sirajul playing slot machines] 5. You've got fifty bucks that says Judge Ito will wear a pink robe tomorrow 4. When they pass around the collection plate at church, you ask, "What kind of odds am I getting?" 3. After sex, you tell your wife, "Okay, double or nothing" 2. You're putting it all on Letterman for best supporting actor 1. You owe Pete Rose money [Music: "Danke Schoen," performed by Wayne Newton] > From New York: Where men are men, and so are some of the women ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, February 24, 1995. And now, a man who is self-tanning ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN QUESTIONS ASKED BY TOURISTS VISITING NEW YORK CITY [Presented by various New York City tourists] 10. "Does it always smell like this?" 9. "Do you think we'll ever see our luggage again?" 8. "Which way to the emergency room?" 7. "Five bucks for lousy cup of coffee?" 6. "Who's that gap-toothed fella with the world-famous Paul Shaffer?" 5. "How do I get to Seinfeld's apartment?" 4. "What's with Mayor Giuliani's hair?" 3. "Is it true that the hot dogs in New York explode?" 2. "Which way to the hookers?" 1. "Go what myself?" > From New York: The fad apple ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, February 27, 1995. And now, Mr. Night Life ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN REJECTED MCDONALD'S SLOGANS 10. 'Food, folks and triple by-passes' 9. 'Maximum taste -- minimum wage' 8. 'Somewhat safer than smoking' 7. 'Ronald McDonald touches most of the meat patties' 6. 'Ask about our new McHookers' 5. 'As mentioned by Kato Kaelin' 4. 'Give us a week and we'll double your weight' 3. 'We've heard that Dave Thomas guy from Wendy's dresses up like a woman' 2. 'Over 90 billion served -- to Clinton alone!' 1. 'McSucks!' [Music: McDonald's jingle, composed by Barry Manilow] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: Where your peso goes farther ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, February 28, 1995. And now, that stomach virus that's going around ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN RICHARD SIMMONS MARDI GRAS TIPS [Presented by Richard Simmons, live from New Orleans] 10. Don't wait for the oldies -- just start sweatin' 9. Try a steaming bowl of Boutros Boutros-gumbo 8. If you wake up in a jail cell, call Letterman collect 7. No one wants to hear about Deal a Meal when they're gooned on rum 6. Load up your shorts with hundreds of live crawfish! 5. Hang with Hugh Downs -- the man is an atomic party machine! 4. Look both ways before throwing up in the street 3. If at some point you find yourself standing in a wedding chapel next to Larry King, don't say 'I do' 2. Don't just drink, drink-ercise! 1. Show some ass, honey [Music: "Tutti Frutti" by Little Richard] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: Now with dual airbags ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, March 1, 1995. And now, pool boy to the stars ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN CELEBRITY NICKNAMES FOR DAVE [Presented by various celebrities] 10. Heather Locklear: "Weasel Boy" 9. George Clooney: "Nurse Dave" 8. Cybill Shepherd: "Bonehead" 7. John Travolta: "Lucky" 6. Rosie O' Donnell: "David Friggin' Letterman" 5. Mary Tyler Moore: "Lou" 4. John Goodman: "Monkey Boy" 3. Siskel and Ebert: "Gump" 2. Bob Dole: "Liberal Media Bubblehead" 1. Helen Hunt: "Cabin Boy" [Music: "The Name Game"] > From New York: The home of the hits ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, March 2, 1995. And now, a man who melts in your mouth ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN ITEMS ON JUDGE ITO'S THINGS-TO-DO LIST 10. Robe shopping with Wapner 9. Lube and oil change for the Lancemobile 8. Consider Court TV's request to hook up a "beard-cam" 7. Slap a subpoena on Mrs. Ito, if you know what I mean 6. Rewind videos, return them to Clarence Thomas 5. Send photo and resume to casting director of "Matlock" 4. Summon Heidi Fleiss to chambers 3. Get O.J. to autograph book before I sentence him 2. End the damn trial so we can get on with our lives 1. Check beard for ticks [Music: "Kiss On My List" by Hall and Oates] > From New York: Where pigs fly ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, March 3, 1995. And now, a man who won't wash off in water ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN JUROR PET PEEVES 10. Marcia Clark's mini-skirts not mini enough 9. F. Lee Bailey always hogging the pizza 8. Keep getting in trouble for carving "Wapner Rules" into conference room table 7. With all the O.J. stories removed, "National Enquirer" only half a page long 6. Jury room almost as cold as Ed Sullivan Theater 5. Keep running out of quarters for Magic Fingers jury seat 4. Hard to listen to all that "blah-blah-blah" when you're trying to catnap 3. It's been over a month, and we still ain't met Matlock 2. Due to bureaucratic mix-up your conjugal visit is with Richard Simmons 1. O.J. might wind up serving less time than us [Music: "Pets" by Porno for Pyros] > From New York: Hold my pants for a minute, would you ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, March 6, 1995. And now, Mr. Lawn Furniture ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS MAYOR GIULIANI HAS GONE NUTS 10. Appointed his hairpiece deputy mayor 9. Actually tried eating one of those street vendor hot dogs 8. Confessed to having a long-term affair with a Tenth Avenue pothole 7. Officially changed his name to Mayor McCheese 6. Thought sending the standby audience to the Gap was a good idea 5. Has vowed to "bomb Brooklyn back to the Stone Age" 4. Gracie Mansion now called "Melrose Place East" 3. Takes midnight strolls through Harlem in his underpants 2. Has ordered giant sculpture of himself next to Statue of Liberty with his hand on her ass 1. His new housekeeper? Rosa Lopez [Music: "Gimme Little Sign" by Brenton Wood] > From New York: The soup today is clam chowder ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, March 7, 1995. And now, your bellboy at the Hotel Entertainment ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE DOING BUSINESS WITH A BAD BANK 10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other 9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast 8. Your monthly statements are handwritten in crayon 7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English 6. You notice Kato Kaelin sleeping in the vault 5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tinfoil 4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants 3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos 2. Toll free customer service line is 1-800-GET HOSED 1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez [Music: "Bad" by Michael Jackson] > From New York: The Aztec city of gold ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, March 8, 1995. And now, one brave son of a gun ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN REJECTED METHODS OF EXECUTION IN NEW YORK STATE 10. Lethal injection of street vendor hot dog water 9. Karate kick to the throat by Mayor Giuliani 8. Out-of-work Don Mattingly pounds you into hamburger with a Louisville Slugger 7. Blind date with some dude named Von Bulow 6. Being forced to watch Letterman do lame "warning labels" piece 5. Giant catapult that flings you to New Jersey 4. The exploding taxi 3. They give you your own prime-time show on CBS 2. Act as own executioner (Colin Ferguson only) 1. Lap dance from Al Sharpton [Music: "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead] > From New York: Home of the Calgary Stampede ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, March 9, 1995. And now, the highly respected inventor of pie a la mode ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING TOO MUCH COURT TV 10. Recurring nightmare about being trapped in Ito's beard 9. You've named your poodles "Rosa" and "Lopez" 8. You have overpowering urge to pay people to lie for you 7. You've let both foreign and domestic policy slide for months (Bill Clinton only) 6. When your kid breaks a neighbor's window, you yell, "Get in the Bronco and drive!" 5. All your erotic fantasies seem to involve bailiffs 4. You ask MCI to add Johnnie Cochran to your Friends and Family list 3. Kato Kaelin no longer seems like a freeloading bonehead 2. You go to the supermaket every day, but all you ever buy is O.J. 1. You're having conjugal visits with yourself [Music: "Watching the Detectives" by Elvis Costello] > From New York: Shut up and sit down ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, March 10, 1995. And now, a wizard with pliers ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN JUDGE ITO PICKUP LINES 10. "I'm gonna slap you with a love subpoena" 9. "Mind if I pull a Kato Kaelin and stay at your house?" 8. "I find you guilty -- of being a babe!" 7. "Care for a guided tour of my robe?" 6. "I have something that I hope you'll find admissable" 5. "May I check your coat?" [Earlier in the broadcast, Dave had checked the coat of a female audience member] 4. "How would you like to see my Exhibit A?" 3. "Ever since Rosa Lopez left, I've been awfully lonely" 2. "Would you mind checking my beard for ticks?" 1. "I'm Ito and you're neato!" [Music: "Pick Up The Pieces" by the Average White Band] > From New York: Some assembly required ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, March 14, 1995. And now, Hollywood bad girl ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN NEW SLOGANS FOR NEW YORK CITY [Presented by New York City cabdrivers] 10. "New Jersey's psycho cousin" 9. "Squeegeeville, U.S.A." 8. "Giuliani Land" 7. "The Mug-Me Town" 6. "Dave-Onia" 5. "The Unmagic Kingdom" 4. "We Whack 'Em" 3. "Villa De Regis" 2. "The Town So Nice...Actually, It's Not So Nice" 1. "The Big Oprah" [Music: "I Love New York"] > From New York: Harriet, I'm home ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, March 13, 1995. And now, the world renowned family of high wire acrobats ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE WATCHING A BAD DAYTIME TALK SHOW 10. Whenever host hands microphone to audience member, they say "This really sucks!" 9. You can't tell transsexuals from the transvestites 8. Every day, the same subject: people who married their fiances 7. Host tells every panelist, "Man, you are one screwed up freak" 6. Audience members keep asking, "Can we go watch O.J.?" 5. Guests take turns slow dancing with a tranquilized monkey 4. The topic is "Let's Look For Swedes" 3. It's just a guy whacking people with a microphone [video clip of Dave whacking an audience member] 2. It stars a small, absent-minded woman named "Rosa" 1. Hosts keep asking "What would Gump do?" [Music: theme from "Donahue"] > From New York: Where danger is always on the menu ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, March 15, 1995. And now, my little buddy ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE IN A BAD HOSPITAL 10. You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail 9. You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked in 8. Instead of sponge bath, they send St. Bernard to lick you 7. As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I baked" 6. In the operating room, they have one of these guys [shot of "Late Show" staffer Bill Scheft waving] 5. Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing Taps 4. All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers 3. You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V. 2. Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting, "Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it!" 1. Instead of "patient", they use the term "plaintiff" [Music: "Bad Case Of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)" by Robert Palmer] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge > From New York: Where danger is always on the menu ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, March 15, 1995. And now, my little buddy ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE IN A BAD HOSPITAL 10. You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail 9. You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked in 8. Instead of sponge bath, they send St. Bernard to lick you 7. As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I baked" 6. In the operating room, they have one of these guys [shot of "Late Show" staffer Bill Scheft waving] 5. Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing Taps 4. All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers 3. You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V. 2. Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting, "Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it!" 1. Instead of "patient", they use the term "plaintiff" [Music: "Bad Case Of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)" by Robert Palmer] > From New York: Where danger is always on the menu ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, March 15, 1995. And now, my little buddy ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE IN A BAD HOSPITAL 10. You go in for routine surgery, you come out with a tail 9. You recognize your doctor as kid who was mopping the lobby when you checked in 8. Instead of sponge bath, they send St. Bernard to lick you 7. As you're going under, your surgeon says, "Man, am I baked" 6. In the operating room, they have one of these guys [shot of "Late Show" staffer Bill Scheft waving] 5. Every couple of minutes, you hear a bugle playing Taps 4. All the diplomas on the wall are signed by Sally Struthers 3. You and your roommate have to take turns on the I.V. 2. Through fog of anesthesia, you hear surgeon shouting, "Bring the damn Scotch tape! And plenty of it!" 1. Instead of "patient", they use the term "plaintiff" [Music: "Bad Case Of Loving You (Doctor, Doctor)" by Robert Palmer] > From New York: Don't make any sudden movements ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, March 20, 1995. And now, the new CEO who goes strictly by the book ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS THAT MICHAEL JORDAN IS OUT OF SHAPE 10. Played whole 4th quarter in a golf cart 9. Constant interruptions in play because his loud wheezing sounds like a whistle 8. Now he's only three times as good as the rest of the players 7. More fans hurt by stray balls than at a presidential golf tournament 6. Indiana Pacers using my mom to guard him 5. Every timeout: two hot dogs and a big wad of cotton candy 4. Got winded giving the finger to Reggie Miller 3. Richard Simmons followed him home from yesterday's game 2. When he fakes left and moves right, his ass keeps goin' left 1. The Gatorade I.V. > From New York: Don't make any sudden movements ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, March 20, 1995. And now, the new CEO who goes strictly by the book ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS THAT MICHAEL JORDAN IS OUT OF SHAPE 10. Played whole 4th quarter in a golf cart 9. Constant interruptions in play because his loud wheezing sounds like a whistle 8. Now he's only three times as good as the rest of the players 7. More fans hurt by stray balls than at a presidential golf tournament 6. Indiana Pacers using my mom to guard him 5. Every timeout: two hot dogs and a big wad of cotton candy 4. Got winded giving the finger to Reggie Miller 3. Richard Simmons followed him home from yesterday's game 2. When he fakes left and moves right, his ass keeps goin' left 1. The Gatorade I.V. > From New York: An island of tranquility in a sea of chaos ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, March 21, 1995. And now, Oscar boy himself ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR BREAKFAST CEREALS 10. Cap'n Kato 9. Kellogg's Factory Floor Mystery Crunch 8. Al Sharpton's Frosted Medallions 7. Extra-Sharp Corn Flakes 6. Heidi Fleiss' Trix 5. Dranola 4. Ordinary K 3. Fruit 'n' Flounder 2. Ito's Bits-O-Beard 1. Pataki-O's [Last night's music: "No Matter What Shape You're In". Thanks to Mike Andrews .] > From New York: it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, March 27, 1995. > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR LIFEGUARD IS NUTS [Originally broadcast 6/27/94] 10. Instead of a whistle, uses a tuba 9. Can't say the word "buoy" without laughing hysterically 8. You see him stuffing his trunks with jellyfish 7. Sits with back to the ocean 6. Just married a C.P.R. dummy 5. The gold crown and the flowing velvet cape 4. Sees a guy drowning and says, "Sorry, pal -- I just ate lunch, so I've got to wait half an hour" 3. Breakfast, lunch and dinner -- chlorine 2. She keeps breaking into David Hasselhoff's house 1. He's wearing nothing but a whistle [Music: "Someone Saved My Life Tonight" by Elton John] BONUS LIST from the 67th Annual Academy Awards > From the home office in Hollywood, California... TOP TEN SIGNS THE MOVIE YOU'RE WATCHING WILL NOT WIN AN ACADEMY AWARD 10. It still has the time code from the camcorder 9. Any combination of the words "police" and "academy" in the title 8. It's a movie about the Civil War and General Grant is wearing Dockers 7. You hear someone yelling, "Focus!" and you realize it's the director 6. It's a beautifully made documentary about two kids in the inner city trying to realize their dream of playing professional basketball 5. The last 20 minutes is a shot of Richie from Local 262 eating donuts 4. Your date had to jam a hypodermic needle full of adrenaline into your heart just to keep you awake 3. Before it starts, you hear, "Thank you for coming to Loews, sit back and relax, this movie blows!" 2. Nude scene with Uma Thurman replaced by nude scene with Strom Thurmond 1. Four words: "Dom DeLuise is Ghandi" [sic] > From New York: Now in the hands of a private collector ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, March 28, 1995. And now, the pride of Wisconsin's cheese country ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN REJECTED ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE LINES [Originally broadcast 8/19/94] 10. "This white zinfandel is making me tipsy" 9. "Hey, Vern, I just saved Christmas!" 8. "Don't I look adorable in this frilly dress?" 7. "Please leave my light on mommy" 6. "Ahhh! Look out! Ants!" 5. "I love my new Wonderbra" 4. "Maurice, darling -- these hors d'oeuvres are scrumptious" 3. "Stop driving so fast, Letterman, are you trying to get us killed?" 2. "No, thanks -- chocolate cake goes straight to my ass" 1. "My name is Forrest Gump" [Music: "Things We Said Today" by the Beatles] > From New York: Same great taste, half the calories ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, March 29, 1995. And now, your prom date ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR 7-ELEVEN MANAGER HAS GONE NUTS [Originally broadcast 5/3/94] 10. Has named his two children "7" and "Eleven" 9. Constantly mooning his own security camera 8. Sleeps in back of store on a big pile of loose cheese doodles 7. Claims to be engaged to the cardboard cut-out of Kathy Ireland holding a 6-pack of Bud 6. You come in wearing neither a shirt nor shoes, and yet he gives you service 5. His freezer case is full of dead woodchucks 4. Operates store 2 blocks from White House and doesn't sell french fries 3. You catch him in front of the microwave with his pants down 2. Cleans assault rifle while grumbling about "those bastards over at Kwik Mart" 1. He keeps caning the burritos [Music: "Let's Go Crazy" by Prince] > From New York: Home of the World Cup champion Brazilian soccer team ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, March 30, 1995. And now, the 14th man to walk on the moon ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN REJECTED CBS 12:30 SHOWS [Originally broadcast 7/20/94] 10. The Courtship of Elvis' Daughter 9. Larry King Pantsless 8. Rescue 411--Directory Assistance Operators in Trouble 7. Paul Shaffer as "Circus Boy" 6. Dave Letterman's World of Animal Noises 5. Dan Rather Reads the News in a Jamaican Accent 4. Bob Barker's Love Connection 3. Big and Tall Models, Inc. 2. Can a Guy in a Bear Suit Nail Madonna? 1. Pajama Party with Lyle and Erik [Music: "Tomorrow"] > From New York: A tapestry of human oddities ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, March 31, 1995. And now, a man who's hyper on cookies ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN REASONS NEW YORK CITY WOULD BE A GOOD PLACE FOR THE '96 REPUBLICAN CONVENTION [Originally broadcast 8/8/94] 10. Constant gunfire will keep delegates from dozing off 9. Crowded sidewalks present an opportunity for Sen. Packwood to "accidentally" bump into women 8. 3/4 of rat population are registered Republicans 7. If hotels are filled, they can always break into my place 6. Delegates pay no city, state or federal tax on crack purchases 5. Chance to take part in weekly Mets tryouts, maybe become Major League baseball player! 4. Would be fun to watch Dan Quayle trying to figure out a subway map 3. Andrew Giuliani will be away at camp 2. Taxis equipped with heavy duty suspension, perfect for driving Rush Limbaugh 1. Plenty of certified baby-sitters for Reagan [Music: "Baby Elephant Walk" by Henry Mancini] > From New York: Do you like the wallpaper? ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, April 3, 1995. And now, a man who puts his pants on both legs at once ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN COMPLAINTS ABOUT THIS YEAR'S ACADEMY AWARDS 10. VCR ran out of tape after the first 9 hours 9. Instead of cutting off Martin Landau, the orchestra should have cut off that "Uma, Oprah" stuff 8. The way the guys from Price Waterhouse reeked of tequila 7. Backstage, a snarling Roger Ebert kept people away from buffet table 6. Five words: Letterman is as Letterman does 5. Several reports that Ernest Borgnine "smelled funny" 4. Much of the show apparently written by Nell 3. The Oscars weren't properly grounded 2. The new "anatomically correct" Oscar 1. Letterman [Music: "Hooray for Hollywood"] > From New York: Home of the world famous Eiffel Tower ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, April 4, 1995. And now, as seen on television ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN WAYS THE METS CAN IMPROVE THIS YEAR 10. Don't just suck -- suck 110% 9. Require players to bet on games so they care about outcome 8. Instead of baseball hats -- Donahue wigs 7. No beers till the seventh inning 6. A little less "polishing the bat", if you know what I mean 5. Wait at least until all-star break to get indicted 4. Stop letting Kato Kaelin sleep in the dugout 3. Two words: Coach Gump 2. Forget about having Letterman host annual awards banquet 1. Keep the replacements [Music: "Got to Give It Up" by Marvin Gaye] > From New York: Clean, pleasant, well-lighted restrooms ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, April 5, 1995. And now, the creator of the Belgian waffle ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS ADDICTED TO GAMBLING 10. Keeps asking if he can double down on some cookies 9. Has converted hamster's treadmill into a crude roulette wheel 8. For a six year old, he seems to know way too much about jai-alai 7. His school lunches are comped 6. Knows the Vegas odds on where Waldo might be 5. There's a bookie sleeping in his tree-house 4. Changed his middle name to "the Greek" 3. He's 9 and he's dating a showgirl 2. Says things like "Daddy needs a new skateboard!" 1. He likes to ride Amtrak [Music: "The Gambler" by Kenny Rogers] > From New York: Can't the U.N. do something? ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, April 6, 1995. And now, a man who's in way over his head ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR SENATOR IS NUTS 10. He gets between Ted Kennedy and the buffet table 9. Constantly hitting on Janet Reno 8. Puts Sam Donaldson in a headlock and yells, "Call the fire department! I caught me a Martian!" 7. Attends Congress nude from waist down claiming to have a "pants-eating virus" 6. In official campaign photo, he's in a hot tub with Kato 5. His first speech in Senate -- a blistering attack on Mother Teresa 4. Demands that his staff address him as "Tank Girl" 3. He's been dating that guy in the dress that got kicked out of Judge Ito's courtroom 2. He loved that "Oprah, Uma" thing 1. Has jumped on the Clinton '96 bandwagon [Music: "Basket Case" by Green Day] > From New York: Home of kamikaze cabbies ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, April 7, 1995. And now, a man who isn't usually up this late ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS JUDGE ITO HAS LOST CONTROL OF THE COURTROOM 10. Allowed F. Lee Bailey to introduce his pants into evidence 9. The stenographer stopped takin' notes weeks ago 8. Prosecution and defense now face off in Atlas-spheres from "American Gladiators" 7. Every 15 minutes he calls a recess so O.J. can sign footballs 6. Attorneys and witnesses beating the hell out of each other 5. On Friday, to lighten the mood, court personnel encouraged to show up dressed as their favorite Star Trek character 4. Nobody can hear testimony when F. Lee Bailey makes daiquiris in blender 3. He's been having conjugal visits with transvestite he kicked out of courtroom 2. That Kato dude is livin' in the jury box 1. Shaved Court TV logo into beard [Music: "Control" by Janet Jackson] > From New York: Home of kamikaze cabbies ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, April 7, 1995. And now, a man who isn't usually up this late ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS JUDGE ITO HAS LOST CONTROL OF THE COURTROOM 10. Allowed F. Lee Bailey to introduce his pants into evidence 9. The stenographer stopped takin' notes weeks ago 8. Prosecution and defense now face off in Atlas-spheres from "American Gladiators" 7. Every 15 minutes he calls a recess so O.J. can sign footballs 6. Attorneys and witnesses beating the hell out of each other 5. On Friday, to lighten the mood, court personnel encouraged to show up dressed as their favorite Star Trek character 4. Nobody can hear testimony when F. Lee Bailey makes daiquiris in blender 3. He's been having conjugal visits with transvestite he kicked out of courtroom 2. That Kato dude is livin' in the jury box 1. Shaved Court TV logo into beard [Music: "Control" by Janet Jackson] > From New York: We put the "tax" in taxi ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, April 10, 1995. And now, a man who is loyal, honest and hungry for your lovin' ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED A BAD ACCOUNTANT 10. You hear him on phone saying, "Have I ever let you down, Leona?" 9. Instead of IRS, sends your completed tax return to UPS 8. His "short form" looks suspiciously like a cocktail napkin 7. He lets you list your imaginary friend as dependent 6. Lists every time you laughed at Letterman as "charitable donation" 5. Used to be some kind of financial big-shot in Orange County 4. Announced he donated all your assets to O.J.'s defense fund 3. On the 1040, he lists your occupation as "sucker" 2. At least five times, he says, "Here's a little trick I taught Daryl Strawberry..." 1. He makes you wear a hospital gown [Music: "Bad" by Michael Jackson] > From New York: Odds of winning: zippity ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, April 11, 1995. And now, a man who loves you dearly ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN THINGS NEW YORKERS LIKE ABOUT SPRING [Presented by various New Yorkers] 10. "New Yorkers get so happy, they don't know whether to wave or give you the finger" 9. "Crackhouses take down their Christmas lights" 8. "The hookers in Times Square start advertising their Easter specials" 7. "The streets are filled with adorable baby rats" 6. "When it gets really hot, my buddy Sirajul and I get naked and hose each other off" -Mujibur 5. "When I wear shorts, the babes mistake me for Rush Limbaugh" 4. "My hot dogs turn a lovely shade of green" 3. "Hello warm weather, goodbye pants!" 2. "The city starts to really, really smell like urine" 1. "More all-around chafing" [Music: "Native New Yorker" by Odyssey] > From New York: Please don't make fun of our wooden shoes ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, April 12, 1995. And now, the real-life Nell ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SURPRISES IN ROGER CLINTON'S BOOK "GROWING UP CLINTON" 10. Tried to go to Vietnam in Bill's place, but the Army said, "No thanks" 9. Bill won't touch Hillary unless she's wearing the Mayor McCheese outfit 8. He's 1/2 Clinton, 1/2 Piscopo 7. As college sophomore, Bill smoked really big joint and spent 3 months chasing an armadillo across the Mojave 6. That "Oprah-Uma" thing was his idea 5. If you rearrange the letters in Roger Clinton you get "Forrest Gump" 4. As early as second grade, Bill was known around the playground as "One-Term Bubba" 3. He taught Kato Kaelin how to dance 2. During brother's inauguration, took a leak in the Reflecting Pool 1. He voted for Perot [Music: "Play That Funky Music" by Wild Cherry] > From New York: Childproof for your protection ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, April 13, 1995. And now, a man who's grain-fed ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN WAYS CBS CAN RAISE MONEY 10. Cast of "Picket Fences" goes door-to-door with a tin cup 9. The Dan Rather Evening News Dunk Tank 8. Let Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman do a little dealing on the side 7. For $10,000, you can play the corpse on a "Murder, She Wrote" 6. Hundred bucks a pop, Connie Chung goes on the air and calls whoever you want "a bitch" 5. Switch formats to become the first "all-commercial" network 4. Pay-per-view special: Harry Smith and Paula Zahn "do it" 3. 24-hours-a-day, run footage of Kato Kaelin dancin' 2. For 25 cents a swing, public can take a sledgehammer to the primetime lineup 1. Two hour paycheck freeze on Letterman [Music: CBS theme] > From New York: Enriched with vitamin E ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, April 14, 1995. And now, Captain TV ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN EASTER BUNNY PICK-UP LINES 10. "There's an Easter parade in my pants...wanna go?" 9. "Ever done it on a pile of artificial grass?" 8. "I'll show you where Easter eggs come from -- you may be surprised!" 7. "You're not Jewish, are you?" 6. "I contributed some fur to Letterman's hairpiece" 5. "I'm being managed by Don King again" 4. "I live in a hutch filled with vibrating cedar chips" 3. "Ever get it on with a rodent?" 2. "My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky" 1. "I'm in the mood to multiply" [Music: "Pick up the Pieces" by the Average White Band] > From New York: Enriched with vitamin E ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, April 14, 1995. And now, Captain TV ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN EASTER BUNNY PICK-UP LINES 10. "There's an Easter parade in my pants...wanna go?" 9. "Ever done it on a pile of artificial grass?" 8. "I'll show you where Easter eggs come from -- you may be surprised!" 7. "You're not Jewish, are you?" 6. "I contributed some fur to Letterman's hairpiece" 5. "I'm being managed by Don King again" 4. "I live in a hutch filled with vibrating cedar chips" 3. "Ever get it on with a rodent?" 2. "My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky" 1. "I'm in the mood to multiply" [Music: "Pick up the Pieces" by the Average White Band] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge ---------------------------------------- LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN 11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT) on the CBS Television Network ---------------------------------------- On Friday's show, Dave welcomes ...actor LEONARDO DICAPRIO ...singer TANYA TUCKER Yoyodyne Entertainment announces the beta test of its first Internet-wide Game of Skill, featuring David Letterman as the subject and $500 as the prize. To get registration information for this FREE game send mail to letterman@parker.horoscope.com The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. Used with permission. The latest Top Ten can be retrieved at any time by sending e-mail to TOPTEN@INFOMANIA.COM To leave the list, mail LISTSERV@LISTSERV.CLARK.NET with the message SIGNOFF TOPTEN To join the list, mail same with the message SUBSCRIBE TOPTEN Your Name To retrieve old Top Tens, mail same with the message GET TOPTEN ARCHIVE ___________________________________________________________________________ InfoBot: automated response (do not quote this line when replying!) | For Help: email the InfoBot Subject: HELP | | The adminstrator of this service can not give you personal help. | I am now receiving so much mail from people who do not read to see | who is repsonsible for each particular service; it is now consuming | too much of my work time answering such mail. | | TECHNICAL PROBLEMS ONLY (IE, SMTP MAIL TRANSPORT PROBLEMS): mail jfroot This mail server speaks only for itself, and not its employers. > From New York: Enriched with vitamin E ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, April 14, 1995. And now, Captain TV ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN EASTER BUNNY PICK-UP LINES 10. "There's an Easter parade in my pants...wanna go?" 9. "Ever done it on a pile of artificial grass?" 8. "I'll show you where Easter eggs come from -- you may be surprised!" 7. "You're not Jewish, are you?" 6. "I contributed some fur to Letterman's hairpiece" 5. "I'm being managed by Don King again" 4. "I live in a hutch filled with vibrating cedar chips" 3. "Ever get it on with a rodent?" 2. "My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky" 1. "I'm in the mood to multiply" [Music: "Pick up the Pieces" by the Average White Band] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge ---------------------------------------- LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN 11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT) on the CBS Television Network ---------------------------------------- On Friday's show, Dave welcomes ...actor LEONARDO DICAPRIO ...singer TANYA TUCKER Yoyodyne Entertainment announces the beta test of its first Internet-wide Game of Skill, featuring David Letterman as the subject and $500 as the prize. To get registration information for this FREE game send mail to letterman@parker.horoscope.com The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. Used with permission. The latest Top Ten can be retrieved at any time by sending e-mail to TOPTEN@INFOMANIA.COM To leave the list, mail LISTSERV@LISTSERV.CLARK.NET with the message SIGNOFF TOPTEN To join the list, mail same with the message SUBSCRIBE TOPTEN Your Name To retrieve old Top Tens, mail same with the message GET TOPTEN ARCHIVE ___________________________________________________________________________ InfoBot: automated response (do not quote this line when replying!) | For Help: email the InfoBot Subject: HELP | | The adminstrator of this service can not give you personal help. | I am now receiving so much mail from people who do not read to see | who is repsonsible for each particular service; it is now consuming | too much of my work time answering such mail. | | TECHNICAL PROBLEMS ONLY (IE, SMTP MAIL TRANSPORT PROBLEMS): mail jfroot This mail server speaks only for itself, and not its employers. > From New York: Step aside, sister, it's my turn ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Monday, April 17, 1995. And now, a man who's wacky on the jelly beans ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN IRS AGENT PET PEEVES 10. People that claim charitable donation for watching CBS primetime shows 9. Everybody thinks rock stars get all the chicks -- but the truth is, chicks dig IRS agents 8. People who fill out their tax forms with mustard 7. H. Block always showing up at audits claiming he "forgot" his pants 6. When Janet Reno offers to settle up with sexual favors 5. Guys who keep sayin', Yeah, I got your long form right here! 4. People who pronounce IRS "erzz" 3. H&R Block accountants who are too busy eating steak to file on time 2. Letterman reporting his total year's income as $15,000 1. Three syllables: Leona [Music: "Tax Man" by the Beatles] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge ---------------------------------------- LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN 11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT) on the CBS Television Network ---------------------------------------- On Tuesday's show, Dave welcomes ...comedian DON RICKLES ...singer AARON NEVILLE ...actress LAURIE METCALF Yoyodyne Entertainment announces the beta test of its first Internet-wide Game of Skill, featuring David Letterman as the subject and $500 as the prize. To get registration information for this FREE game send mail to letterman@parker.horoscope.com The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. Used with permission. The latest Top Ten can be retrieved at any time by sending e-mail to TOPTEN@INFOMANIA.COM To leave the list, mail LISTSERV@LISTSERV.CLARK.NET with the message SIGNOFF TOPTEN To join the list, mail same with the message SUBSCRIBE TOPTEN Your Name To retrieve old Top Tens, mail same with the message GET TOPTEN ARCHIVE ___________________________________________________________________________ InfoBot: automated response (do not quote this line when replying!) | For Help: email the InfoBot Subject: HELP | | The adminstrator of this service can not give you personal help. | I am now receiving so much mail from people who do not read to see | who is repsonsible for each particular service; it is now consuming | too much of my work time answering such mail. | | TECHNICAL PROBLEMS ONLY (IE, SMTP MAIL TRANSPORT PROBLEMS): mail jfroot This mail server speaks only for itself, and not its employers. > From New York: A sleepy village on a lovely lagoon ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, April 18, 1995. And now, your local Allstate representative ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SURPRISES IN KATO KAELIN'S BOOK 10. Is seeking endorsement deal with Castro Convertibles 9. Includes a second-by-second account of his entire 15 minutes of fame 8. Receives $100 royalty check every time someone says, "Dude -- mind if I crash here?" 7. Attended Harvard, where he earned a "Bachelor of Houseboy Arts" 6. Most California forest fires sparked by his poorly-grounded blow-dryer 5. He sometimes works as a Kathie Lee impersonator 4. During court appearance, thought he was testifying against Pauly Shore 3. Claims Marcia Clark stole her new hairstyle from him 2. Recently been crashing at "La Casa de Fung" 1. He's actually the third Menendez brother! Compiled by Sue Trowbridge ---------------------------------------- LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN 11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT) on the CBS Television Network ---------------------------------------- On Wednesday's show, Dave welcomes ...actress SANDRA BULLOCK ...comedian LOUIE C.K. Yoyodyne Entertainment announces the beta test of its first Internet-wide Game of Skill, featuring David Letterman as the subject and $500 as the prize. To get registration information for this FREE game send mail to letterman@parker.horoscope.com The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. Used with permission. The latest Top Ten can be retrieved at any time by sending e-mail to TOPTEN@INFOMANIA.COM To leave the list, mail LISTSERV@LISTSERV.CLARK.NET with the message SIGNOFF TOPTEN To join the list, mail same with the message SUBSCRIBE TOPTEN Your Name To retrieve old Top Tens, mail same with the message GET TOPTEN ARCHIVE ___________________________________________________________________________ InfoBot: automated response (do not quote this line when replying!) | For Help: email the InfoBot Subject: HELP | | The adminstrator of this service can not give you personal help. | I am now receiving so much mail from people who do not read to see | who is repsonsible for each particular service; it is now consuming | too much of my work time answering such mail. | | TECHNICAL PROBLEMS ONLY (IE, SMTP MAIL TRANSPORT PROBLEMS): mail jfroot This mail server speaks only for itself, and not its employers. > From New York: You must be 18 or older ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, April 19, 1995. And now, a man known to his friends as F. Lee Fung ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN OTHER CITIES' NEW SLOGANS [Presented by various mayors] 10. "We've got bourbon that'll knock you on your butt!" [Mayor Jerry Abramson, Louisville, KY] 9. "In San Francisco you lose your heart, in New York you lose your wallet!" [Mayor Frank Jordan, San Francisco, CA] 8. "Could we interest you in some salt?" [Mayor Dee Dee Corradini, Salt Lake City, UT] 7. "If you call it Spo-KANE, we'll smack you with a pine tree" [Mayor Jack Garrity, Spokane, WA] 6. "Where it never getrs as cold as the Ed Sullivan Theater!" [Mayor Seymour Gelber, Miami, FL] 5. "Dallas, starts with Big D just like Dave and Dr. Pepper!" [Mayor Steve Bartlett, Dallas, TX] 4. "Somewhere between California and Washington, that's where you'll find us!" [Mayor of Portland, OR] 3. "We've got Mujibur!" [Mayor Sirajul Islam, Trenton, NJ] 2. "Floods, fires and fun!" [Mayor Richard Riordan, Los Angeles, CA] 1. "Kiss our arch!" [Mayor Freeman R. Bosley Jr., St. Louis MO] [Music: "Living for the City" by Stevie Wonder] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge ---------------------------------------- LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN 11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT) on the CBS Television Network ---------------------------------------- On Thursday's show, Dave welcomes ...actor NICOLAS CAGE ...musical group BLUES TRAVELER ...actress LISA KUDROW This list is sponsored by Yoyodyne Entertainment, Inc. We are also responsible for games of skill via email. For more information on our games write to yoyo@sgp.com. The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. Used with permission. The latest Top Ten can be retrieved at any time by sending e-mail to TOPTEN@INFOMANIA.COM To leave the list, mail LISTSERV@LISTSERV.CLARK.NET with the message SIGNOFF TOPTEN To join the list, mail same with the message SUBSCRIBE TOPTEN Your Name To retrieve old Top Tens, mail same with the message GET TOPTEN ARCHIVE ___________________________________________________________________________ InfoBot: automated response (do not quote this line when replying!) | For Help: email the InfoBot Subject: HELP | | The adminstrator of this service can not give you personal help. | I am now receiving so much mail from people who do not read to see | who is repsonsible for each particular service; it is now consuming | too much of my work time answering such mail. | | TECHNICAL PROBLEMS ONLY (IE, SMTP MAIL TRANSPORT PROBLEMS): mail jfroot This mail server speaks only for itself, and not its employers. > From New York: Take a right at New Jersey ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Thursday, April 20, 1995. And now, a man armed, but not dangerous ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN WORST JOBS IN THE U.S. 10. John Madden's masseuse 9. The guy that gathers live beetles for Morley Safer's lunch 8. T.V. repairman in Amish country 7. Campaign director for Clinton '96 6. Hooker at a Star Trek convention 5. Bodyguard/husband, Roseanne 4. Commercial salesman for CBS prime time 3. Hosting the Academy Awards 2. Babysitter for the Menendez brothers 1. Being Fabio [Music: "Fire" by the Ohio Players] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge ---------------------------------------- LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN 11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT) on the CBS Television Network ---------------------------------------- On Friday's show, Dave welcomes ...STUPID HUMAN TRICKS ...actor KEVIN KLINE ...musical group SPONGE This list is sponsored by Yoyodyne Entertainment, Inc. We are also responsible for games of skill via email. For more information on our games write to yoyo@sgp.com. The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. Used with permission. The latest Top Ten can be retrieved at any time by sending e-mail to TOPTEN@INFOMANIA.COM To leave the list, mail LISTSERV@LISTSERV.CLARK.NET with the message SIGNOFF TOPTEN To join the list, mail same with the message SUBSCRIBE TOPTEN Your Name To retrieve old Top Tens, mail same with the message GET TOPTEN ARCHIVE ___________________________________________________________________________ InfoBot: automated response (do not quote this line when replying!) | For Help: email the InfoBot Subject: HELP | | The adminstrator of this service can not give you personal help. | I am now receiving so much mail from people who do not read to see | who is repsonsible for each particular service; it is now consuming | too much of my work time answering such mail. | | TECHNICAL PROBLEMS ONLY (IE, SMTP MAIL TRANSPORT PROBLEMS): mail jfroot This mail server speaks only for itself, and not its employers. > From New York: Residents must wash hands ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, April 21, 1995. And now, as seen on Court TV ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN DOLLY PARTON PET PEEVES [Presented by Dolly Parton] 10. Accountants who don't understand how much it costs to make me look this cheap 9. Trying to play guitar with three-inch fingernails 8. When the conty declare my hair a fire hazard 7. Confused Dalai Lama constantly asking for theme park royalties 6. You can't get a wig repaired because Letterman's got some kind of hairpiece crisis 5. Rhinestone rash 4. Whenever he visits my gift shop, Garth Brooks tries to shoplift stuff under that big hat 3. Smartass emcees who introdce you by saing, "And now here they are -- Dolly Parton!" 2. When the super bowl is over, winner never says, "I'm goin' to Dollywood" 1. Nobody notices I've got a great ass, too [Music: "Here You Come Again" by Dolly Parton] Compiled by Sue Trowbridge ---------------------------------------- LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN 11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT) on the CBS Television Network ---------------------------------------- On Monday's show, Dave welcomes ...Actress ANJELICA HUSTON ...Singer JONI MITCHELL This list is sponsored by Yoyodyne Entertainment, Inc. We are also responsible for games of skill via email. For more information on our games write to yoyo@sgp.com. The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. Used with permission. The latest Top Ten can be retrieved at any time by sending e-mail to TOPTEN@INFOMANIA.COM To leave the list, mail LISTSERV@LISTSERV.CLARK.NET with the message SIGNOFF TOPTEN To join the list, mail same with the message SUBSCRIBE TOPTEN Your Name To retrieve old Top Tens, mail same with the message GET TOPTEN ARCHIVE ___________________________________________________________________________ InfoBot: automated response (do not quote this line when replying!) | For Help: email the InfoBot Subject: HELP | | The adminstrator of this service can not give you personal help. | I am now receiving so much mail from people who do not read to see | who is repsonsible for each particular service; it is now consuming | too much of my work time answering such mail. | | TECHNICAL PROBLEMS ONLY (IE, SMTP MAIL TRANSPORT PROBLEMS): mail jfroot This mail server speaks only for itself, and not its employers. > From New York: Now with half the fat ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Tuesday, April 25, 1995. And now, a man who's doing this show to impress Marcia Clark ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN SIGNS THAT DISNEY IS HAVING A BAD YEAR 10. The Beast of "Beauty and the Beast"? Sold for fur 9. Minnie Mouse accepted a marriage proposal from Larry King 8. Funny smell coming from the chamber where they keep the frozen body of Walt Disney 7. Mickey's punching out more photographers than usual 6. Actually going forward with construction of Katoworld 5. Country Bears too drunk to sit up, let alone jamboree 4. Disneyworld restaurants serving mouse-ka-bobs 3. Lots of complaints about "The Goofy movie's" white Bronco scene 2. Letterman set to host annual stockholders meeting 1. Newest ride: Limbaugh Mountain [Music: "Straight, No Chaser" by Thelonious Monk] Compiled by Richard Handal for Sue Trowbridge ---------------------------------------- LATE SHOW WITH DAVID LETTERMAN 11:35 p.m. ET/PT (10:35 CT/MT) on the CBS Television Network ---------------------------------------- On Wednesday's show, Dave welcomes ...broadcaster KATHIE LEE GIFFORD ...illusionist DAVID COPPERFIELD ...saxophonist DAVID SANBORN This list is sponsored by Yoyodyne Entertainment, Inc. We are also responsible for games of skill via email. For more information on our games write to yoyo@sgp.com. The Top Ten List is Copyright (C) 1995 Worldwide Pants, Incorporated. Used with permission. The latest Top Ten can be retrieved at any time by sending e-mail to TOPTEN@INFOMANIA.COM To leave the list, mail LISTSERV@LISTSERV.CLARK.NET with the message SIGNOFF TOPTEN To join the list, mail same with the message SUBSCRIBE TOPTEN Your Name To retrieve old Top Tens, mail same with the message GET TOPTEN ARCHIVE ___________________________________________________________________________ InfoBot: automated response (do not quote this line when replying!) | For Help: email the InfoBot Subject: HELP | | The adminstrator of this service can not give you personal help. | I am now receiving so much mail from people who do not read to see | who is repsonsible for each particular service; it is now consuming | too much of my work time answering such mail. | | TECHNICAL PROBLEMS ONLY (IE, SMTP MAIL TRANSPORT PROBLEMS): mail jfroot This mail server speaks only for itself, and not its employers. > From New York: As seen on TV ... it's THE TOP TEN LIST for Wednesday, April 26, 1995. And now, a man who's always in the mood for eggs ... David Letterman! > From the home office in Sioux City, Iowa ... TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT PLAYING BASEBALL IN NEW YORK [Presented by the New York Yankees] 10. "If a ball gets hit out of the ballpark and breaks a car window, hey it's just another busted car window" [Danny Tartabull] 9. "Free bus fumes while you work out" [Bernie Williams] 8. "Opposing players in a state of shock after a cab ride to the stadium" [Pat Kelly] 7. "Vendors selling corked hot dogs" [Mike Stanley] 6. "New York has the nation's most affordable bail bondsmen" [Steve Howe] 5. "Plenty of spit for spitballs" [Don Mattingly] 4. "After the game, if you don't take a shower, everyone just assumes it's the city that stinks" [Wade Boggs] 3. "The greatest fans in the world always shouting, 'Mets suck!'" [Luis Polonia] 2. "Knowing that if we ever got to the 7th game of the World Series, that with one phone call, we could get the opposing pitcher whacked" [Buck Showalter] 1. "Two words: rat night" [Tony Fernandez] [Music: "Take Me Out To The Ballgame"]