September 8, 1993
Top Ten Signs You Have a Bad Airline Pilot
10. You overhear him say on the intercom "Hey Pedro, what's this gizmo do?"
9. For the past two hours, you've been going straight up
8. He says, "We're crusing at an altitude of 40 feet."
7. Co-pilot is sitting on his lap
6. When you take-off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeeeeee!"
5. At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars
4. He's wearing a Domino's pizza uniform
3. Over the P.A. you hear "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh."
2. As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove
your cab to the airport
1. Keeps refering to the control tower as "Mommy"
September 9, 1993
Top Ten signs Clinton is well rested
10. No longer gets winded after pounding down a taco
9. Fewer outbursts about his trouble with Loni
8. Spent pleasant afternoon with this week's three newly discovered
7. Can drop Bob Dole with one punch
6. See-Saws back and forth on important issues with renewed vigor
5. After intensive briefings by joint chiefs of staff, no longer says
4. Let's just say don't go knockin' on the Lincoln bedroom
3. Shouts "YES!" before the counter girl can even finish asking "Do you
want fries with --"
2. He's fit and ready to take some of the workload from Hillary
1. Catching more mice than "socks"
September 10, 1993
Top Ten announcements that will make this crowd cheer wildly
10. The strippers are on the way!
9. Hey Clinton, tax this!
8. Drinking root beer makes you live longer
7. If you look under your seat, you'll find a nice, fresh grape
6. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome "Gilligan" himself, Mr. Bob Denver!
5. Every member of tonight's studio audience receives a free tattoo of
4. We've just learned that Madonna will not appear naked for the remainder of
the caledar year
3. Siskel and Ebert are getting married!
2. Fat guy slaps Richard Simmons so hard he's now cross-eyed
1. The show's over. Good night!
September 13, 1993
Top Ten new campbell soup slogans
10. M'm! M'm! Good!
If eaten before April 1995
9. Free pennies inside every can!
8. All-natural -- except the synthetic bacon
7. When there's absolutely nothing else in the house to eat
6. Hitler: Bad. Soup: Good.
5. The offical food of Glen Campbell
4. Remember, chicks dig guys who eat soup
3. It's hot & wet!
2. Jimmy Stewart eats it, and he's damn near 150!
1. M'm! M'm! SODIUM BENZOATE!
September 14, 1993
Top Ten things overheard at the white house yesterday
10. "What's Don King doing here?"
9. "That Clinton is much puffier in person"
8. "I've got yitzhakmania!"
7. "Arafat Nachos!
Get your Arafat nachos here!"
6. "Is it okay for me to start my speech now, Hillary?"
5. "You sign first" -- "No, you sign first" -- "No, you sign first" --
"No, you sign first"...
4. "Now do I have this right -- in America, if I have a million dollars,
I can date Demi Moore?"
3. "Isn't Arafat kissing that guy a little too long?"
2. "Gaza! I thought you wanted rights to Zsa Zsa!"
1. "Yitzhak, Yasir. Yasir, Yitzhak."
September 15, 1993
Top Ten rejected "60 minutes" stories
10. How come bald guys ain't got hair?
9. Morley fills his mouth with birdseed, yawns until a hummingbird flies in
8. The president's brother might be some kind of moron
7. Guys Mike Wallace made cry
6. TV newsmagazines whose name says they're a certain length, but when you
subtract the commercials are really more like "44 minutes"
5. The 1970's disco group "Village People": Gay?
4. Mike Wallace is Beavis;
Andy Rooney is Butthead
3. Is that Letterman's real hair?
2. Are Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters "Doing It"?
1. A few minutes with Mickey Rooney
September 16, 1993
Top Ten ways to make Arafat angry
10. Load his burnoose with bees
9. Borrow some of his books on making explosives, don't return them
8. Don't let him in the room until he says "open sesame"
7. If he's chasing you, paint a tunnel entrance onto a big rock, then hide
and watch as he runs straight into it
6. When you meet him, go "Whoa! you ain't exactly Omar Sharif, are you?"
5. Introduce him as chairman of the PTA
4. Show up at a party wearing the same tablecloth
3. Ask him why it's not PLO speedwagon anymore
2. In the middle of the cab ride, tell him you changed your mind and you
want him to take you to brooklyn
1. Shortsheet his head
September 17, 1993
Top Ten Highlights Of Clinton's Health-Care Plan
10. Al Gore: Band-Aid Czar
9. Every American man, woman and child gets a free cough drop!
8. If you give 10 bucks to the janitor at the organ bank, he'll let you
touch the livers
7. Anyone with 20/20 vision can now collect royalties from the tv show "20/20"
6. No more plastic surgery for Nancy Reagan
5. All medical bills sent to Ross Perot
4. You break the record for all-time highest body temperature -- you keep the
3. Roger Clinton can write his own prescriptions
2. "Turn your head & cough" exam to be administered by the Gabor sister of
1. Two words: sneeze tax
September 20, 1993
Top Ten reasons to watch CBS this fall
10. We've stopped using the deadly gamma rays
9. Programming designed to make your childern dull and listless
8. The shows are funny if you drink enough hard cider
7. If you play with the vertical hold, you can make Andy Rooney jump like a
6. This year, on a special "60 minutes", Morley Safer loses his virginity
5. We're Kuralt-a-rific!
4. We've got a really cool CBS maintenance man who can turn his feet all the
3. This year, Angela Lansbury starts murdering people herself
2. If you don't watch, we'll send Mike Wallace to investigate your ass
1. It'll help Connie and Maury have a baby!
September 21, 1993
Top Ten signs your neighbor is a talk show host
10. Always asking if you brought a clip
9. Whenever he leaves, he says "I'll be right back"
8. Invites you over for dinner and when you get there he tells you that
you've been bumped
7. At his cookout, "Who wants hamburgers?" is written out on a cue card
6. When you ask him to return your lawnmower, he has a list of ten reasons
why he doesn't have to
5. No particular sign -- just a statistical likelihood that if you're not
a talk show host, you're neighbor is
4. Ed Mcmahon mows the lawn
3. He chases squirrels around yard with a microphone screaming, "Is the
2. During the summer he gains an awful lot of weight
1. Five words:
Applause sign in the bedroom
September 22, 1993
Top Ten signs you've lost control of your country
10. At big public ceremonies, secret service guys play keep-away with your hat
9. People see you at the self-service pump filling up your pacer
8. Sharp drop in sales of "Yeltsersizer" workout machine
7. Stolichnaya withdraws its corporate sponsorship of your presidency
6. You misspell "potato" and no one cares
5. Your mother asks if you want to move back in for a while
4. Ted Koppel cuts your interview short for a late-breaking story on the
"full house" twins
3. You're denied access to the presidential hookers
2. Domino's doesn't deliver your pizza for almost an hour, still makes you
1. Chicks no longer dig you
September 23, 1993
Top Ten New York Mets excuses
10. All those empty seats are distracting
9. Part of a grand plan to make Florida Marlins overconfident next year
8. Pitchers on other teams throw the ball really fast!
7. Two words:
6. Mistake to let Don Knotts bat cleanup
5. Play so much golf during season thought lowest score wins
4. Baseballs harder to throw than explosives
3. Drank slurpee too fast; got a "brain-freeze"
2. Didn't scratch themselves enough
1. No one named "Mookie"
September 24, 1993
Top Ten Hillary Clinton's tips for making your man happy
10. Ketchup-flavored lip-gloss
9. On special occasions, have the marine band play Fleetwwod Mac hits
8. "Air force one mile high club"
7. Give him pep talks:
"Compared to you, Lincoln was just a monkey in a top hat"
6. Lean close, put your mouth to his ear, and whisper,
5. Spend plenty of time inside the beltway, if you know what I mean
4. Take him away for a quiet weekend of taxing and spending
3. Every once in a while, let him run the country
2. Add a little spice in the bedroom by dressing up as a McDonald's waitress
1. Two words: Fry everything
September 27, 1993
Top Ten signs you've come to the show on a bad night
10. Rats in theater scrapper than usual
9. Everyone in your row is wearing handcuffs and a riker's island jumpsuit
8. I just sit in my chair & rock back & forth without uttering a word
7. First half hour: I get a throat culture. Second half hour: wait for
6. Instead of real comedy, we take the standby audience to "Miss Saigon"
5. Gallagher's a guest and he forgot his watermelons
4. You're forced to view more home videos of me on the fourth of July after
I gained a ton of weight
3. By first commercial I'm winky on bourbon
2. Ghost of Ed Sullivan appears before you and says "This one is gonna really,
1. Kathie Lee's out of stories about Cody
September 28, 1993
Top Ten Complaints Of The Biospherians
10. Bad planning to have everyone in there be named "Billy"
9. All the jokes about people who live in glass houses
8. Bio-toast was usually bio-burned
7. Cockroaches the size of lawn tractors
6. Completely missed two of Madonna's "new looks"
5. Sick of people calling us "Trekkies"
4. Never found Waldo
3. On second day, badminton birdie got stuck in rafters
2. Crazy woman who kept breaking in claming to be "Mrs. Biosphere"
September 29, 1993
Top Ten Questions Congress Asked Hillary Clinton
10. "Sometimes I really get itchy -- is that covered?"
9. "Did Bubba buy you that purty ring?"
8. "How come you skirts always messin' with dudes minds?"
7. "Remember me? I played Gopher on 'The Love Boat'."
6. "Wait a minute -- So this has nothing to do with Clarence Thomas?"
5. "Will Burt's insurance still cover Loni?"
4. "Does this look infected?"
3. "I bet you're glad you didn't marry Dukakis, huh?"
2. "If he jogs every day, why's he so fat?"
1. "Have you chosen a running mate for '96?"
September 30, 1993
Top Ten Signs You Have No Friends
10. No calls from salespeople pushing MCI's Friends and Family plan
9. You go to a video store and say out loud to yourself, "Well, what do
you want to rent tonight?"
8. You send birthday cards to the members of the McLaughlin Group
7. You are one of the five best solitaire players in the world
6. Your initials are G.S. and you own a major league baseball team in
5. At your funeral, the entire eulogy is, "Yep, he's dead."
4. Having a Super Bowl party means dressing up your dogs in sweaters
and tying them to the furniture
3. James Taylor sings first few bars of "You've Got A Friend," notices
you in the audience, and stops
2. You're still drinking from the same keg you bought on New Year's Eve
1. All your phone calls start with "976"
October 1, 1993
Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date
10. You can't think of anything else on your date except strangling Chuck
9. He seems to know an awful lot about your shower routine
8. His multiple personalities begin arguing after dinner about splitting check
7. You find yourself spending an inordinate amount of time lifting his head
out of the soup
6. He's been on "Geraldo" three times
5. After two beers he starts calling you "Mommy"
4. All she wants to talk about is how much she loves working for her boss,
3. Every place you suggest for dinner, he says "Nah--there might be cops
2. Insists that she was a virgin, but you know she was married to Sean Penn
1. He takes you to a Met game
October 4, 1993
Top Ten Rejected Freedom Airlines Slogans
10. Come take a ride on a flying ashtray
9. Remember: you can't spell 'tarmac' without 'tar'!
8. If sounds like a good idea to you, then you're just the kind of
loser we're looking for
7. Every meal prepared by the loving hands of a creepy humanoid camel!
6. Soon we'll have gambling and hookers!
5. Will that be smoking or chain-smoking?
4. Fly the phlegmy skies!
3. Oxygen masks -- never had 'em, never will!
2. If he were still alive, the Marlboro man would have flown with us!
1. Kids cough free!
October 5, 1993
Top Ten Ways To Annoy A Supreme Court Justice
10. Say things like, "Hey, it's one o'clock in the afternoon, why the hell
are you still in your robe?"
9. Eat exhibit A
8. Switch gavel with grand piano; Sit back and watch him try to pick up a
7. Whenever there's a quiet moment during a case, groan "Boooooring"
6. When he sentences you to life in prison, just yell "screw off," leave
the courtroom, go have a nice afternoon at the movies
5. Shortsheet his robe
4. Keep asking, "Where's Rusty?"
3. He says, "Approach the bench." You say, "Approach this!"
2. Ask him to find a legal precedent that exempts talk show hosts from all
posted speeds on the Hutchinson River Parkway
1. Release the robe chiggers
October 6, 1993
Top Ten Things That Will Get You On The Evening News
10. Drink Windex until you see a U.F.O.
9. Become famous in the field of the arts, science, politics, or what
have you; Then pass away
8. Get elected President and let your wife run the country while you eat
7. Retire from your 75 million dollar a year job in the NBA to catch up
6. Ask Janet Reno out on a date, actually show up
5. Marry Sonny and Cher
4. Add an "E" to "Potato"
3. Host late-night talk show, then get pulled over for speeding
2. Beat the crap out of Barney in a Texas shopping mall
1. Two words: Tarmac haircut
October 7, 1993
Top Ten Madonna's Hotel Demands
10. Complimentary handcuffs on pillow
9. 24-hour leather repair
8. Must accept "Madonna Dollars"
7. Guy dressed like pirate who says "Aye, it's Madonna." whenever she
6. Sheets changed every hour
5. Bath tub must fit entire soccer team
4. Gideon bible with "Thou shalt nots" edited out
3. If she leaves her bra outside the door, it should be returned polished
the next morning
2. "Do not disturb" sign must be changed to "Please take a number"
1. A squad of pantsless bellboys
October 8, 1993
Top Ten Ways Clinton Can Pay for the Health Care Plan
10. Rent out Al Gore for pony rides
9. Get Chelsea a paper route
8. Announce that the paper money in everybody's Monopoly box is now real
7. Put the squeeze on Oprah
6. Have Senator Ted Kennedy return all empties for deposit money
5. Put it on Hillary's MasterCard, let her figure it out
4. Collect $10 from every long lost half-brother
3. You put $100 on black. If you win, now you got $200. You leave it. You
win again, you got $400, you leave it...
2. Punch out Perot and take his wallet
1. Use his french fry money
October 11, 1993
Top Ten Things Columbus Would Say If He Landed In America Today
10. "I'm 542 years old and Willard Scott still won't wish me a happy birthday."
9. "I anchored my ship up here just a minute ago -- and now it's gone!"
8. "Ah, a Gap store! Finally, a fimiliar sight."
7. "Fabio! Put a shirt on! What's wrong with you?"
6. "I've come for silks, spices, and a shot at Madonna."
5. "Let me get this straight...you call this number and a lady talks dirty to
4. "Bring me to Queen Oprah."
3. "Where can I get me one of them Thighmasters?"
2. "I'm ready to 'discover' a quart of Bud Light and some hookers."
1. "Hurry, I'm late for the Whoopi roast."
October 12, 1993
Top Ten Signs You're Being Investigated by "60 Minutes"
10. The Domino's Pizza guy looks a little like Ed Bradley
9. Your secretary tells you the men are here to install the hidden microphones
8. You see your accountant wearing brand new "60 Minutes" T-shirt, sweatshirt,
and baseball cap
7. You own a sweatshop that is accused of hiring illegal aliens and a woman
calling herself "Morlene Safer" applies for a job
6. Guy wearing CBS News cap always emerging from your shrubbery, asking to use
5. Everywhere you look: Andy Rooney's eyebrows
4. Wherever you go you hear a really loud ticking noise
3. While lying in bed after seducing you, Leslie Stahl starts asking oddly
detailed questions about your business
2. While lying in bed after seducing you, Morley Safer starts asking oddly
detailed questions about your business
1. There's a microphone in your pants
October 13, 1993
Top Ten Things Overheard On The Clintons' 18th Anniversary
10. "It looks like we may have to send backup troops into the Lincoln Bedroom."
9. "Honey, that cake was supposed to be for both of us."
8. "Ya-hoo! Now fer some hillbilly lovin!"
7. "Oooh! Janet Reno jumped out of the cake!"
6. "Is it all right if Al fills in for me tonight?"
5. "Tipper--Newt, Newt--Tipper."
4. "Can we wrap this up, Bill? I really should get back to work."
3. "We wouldn't have hired you to entertain if we'd known you'd dress up like
that, Mr. Danson."
2. "Take me like Yeltsin took the Parliament Building."
1. "Oh, no. Roger's gonna sing!"
October 14, 1993
Top Ten Sign of Trouble in the Darryl Hannah/JFK. Jr. Relationship
10. She was overheard saying "Wait--you're not President Kennedy?"
9. Loud public arguments over who's prettier
8. Lots of finger-pointing after they lost People magazine's "Sexiest Couple
7. All of a sudden she doesn't want to wear the mermaid outfit in bed
6. Madonna's at the Garden
5. He keeps confusing her with Fabio
4. Every day, big fights over mirror time
3. He's jealous because she does better on Bar Exam
2. She's sick of him saying "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask if
you can get me another beer"
1. Loni's available
October 15, 1993
Top Ten Reason's Hillary Won't Be Invited Back to "Sesame Street"
10. Announced government plans to rid the nation of talking frogs by 1996
9. Asked if she could spell "cat", she snapped "I'm a Yale graduate, you
8. Two words: "Puppet Tax"
7. Mistook Oscar the Grouch for a rat. Beat him to death with a rake
6. Insisted on wearing totally inappropriate cone bra
5. She squeezed Big Bird a little too hard during the health care "Turn Your
Head & Cough" segment
4. Demanded dressing room fridge be stocked with malt liquor
3. Told behind-the-scenes puppeteers "That's pretty much how I handle Bill"
2. She pulled one of those Ted Danson deals
1. Kept saying "Where the hell's Barney?"
October 18, 1993
Top Ten Dan Quayle's Complaints About Clinton
10. Embarrasses us in front of other countries by not devoting enough time to
9. When I see him on the news and wave to him, he doesn't wave back
8. National health care plan won't work because Cinton ain't no doctor
7. No doing enough to help our boys on the Phillies beat Toronto
6. Passed over too many dumb guys to pick Al Gore as vice president
5. Gets all huffy when I forget to put the extra ketchups in his bag
4. He's some kind of brainiac super-speller
3. Didn't make "Captain Stubing" the Secretary of Defense
2. Taxing the rich may cause dad to cut my allowance
1. That funny "Beverly Hillbillies" accent
October 19, 1993
Top Ten Signs You Have a Dumb Dog
10. Lengthy pause after "bow" while it tries to remember "wow"
9. Buries tail, wags bones
8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat-by-products
7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day
6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in catface
5. Has suffered over two dozen concussions from toilet seat falling on his
4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word
3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's Gopher, because he really thought he'd
be a good Congressman
2. Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny
horse-and-carriage to come out
1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz"
October 20, 1993
Top Ten Reasons Dan Quayle Would Make a Good President
10. Picked up a lot of the jargon from Bush, like "congress" and "Washington"
9. Would be fun to see it spelled "NATOE"
8. Five words: State of the Union Flashcards
7. No need for Camp David; give him a box of styrofoam peanuts and he's
entertained for hours!
6. New cabinet post: Secretary of Cartoons
5. Was allowed to visit the White House once during the Bush administration
4. Wouldn't be out of touch with concerns of the not-so-bright
3. America is the Love Boat, and he wants to be our Captain Stubing
(A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience. The
laughing man is Gavin MacLeod, Captain Stubing of the Love Boat, making
his third appearance in a row)
2. His wife is smart enough to run the country
1. Four more years of Dan Quayle jokes
October 21, 1993
Top Ten Signs the Guy Mugging You Has Never Mugged Before
10. After taking money, asks if you want receipt
9. In addition to wearing a ski mask, he's got skis and poles
8. Asks you to hold his gun while he puts on some chapstick
7. When he's done, he says "That was fun! Now you mug me!"
6. You're a policeman in full uniform, standing right in front of the station
house, surrounded by fellow officers carrying assault rifles
5. When you yell "Stop thief", he does
4. During police line-up, he waves to you and shouts "Remember me?"
3. Tells you he wouldn't be doing this if "Love Boat" hadn't been cancelled
(A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience. The
laughing man is Gavin MacLeod, Captain Stubing of the Love Boat, making
his fourth appearance in a row)
2. He keeps saying, "You understand I'm doing this for the baby and Marla"
1. Accepts IOU's
October 22, 1993
Top Ten Signs Hillary is the Smartest Clinton
10. Buys jumbo sack of Slim-Jims at supermarket -- instead of paying jacked-up
prices at the 7-Eleven
9. Unlike Bill, never gets head caught in the sink
8. Avoids them "Runway Haircuts"
7. Never orders more fries than she can eat
6. Let's Bill call himself "The President" when they're out in public
5. Technically just a hillbilly by marriage
4. Chelsea has yet to say "Daddy, could you help me with my homework?"
3. Took her three hours to explain to Bill how it's possible that Murray from
"Mary Tyler Moore" looks just like Captain Stubing from "The Love Boat"
(A man is laughing excessively and the camera cuts to the audience. The
laughing man is Gavin MacLeod, Captain Stubing of the Love Boat, making
his fifth appearance in a row. Dave announces it's his fifth appearance,
and a model walks down to Gavin and hands him a bouquet of flowers.)
2. Owns a piece of Oprah
1. Her giant, thirty-pound brain
October 25, 1993
Top Ten Reasons Canada Keeps Beating Us in the World Series
10. French baseball chatter very disorienting
9. U.S. players get sleepy after standing through two national anthems
8. Special enzyme in Canadian bacon that turns players into game-winning
7. American teams discouraged by Clinton's new RBI tax
6. All our secret plays are being funneled to them by that weasel Paul Shaffer
5. Exchange rate makes Canadian runs worth more
4. Stirring pre-game talks, which always end with "Win one for Lorne Green"
3. They don't bother to use actual Canadians
2. Let's face it -- we're a bunch of "hosers"
1. Those damn Mountie umpires
October 26, 1993
OK. Here's the deal with this list. As Dave put it, the computers at the home
office in Sioux City, Iowa were down all day, so they sent a generic Top Ten
List without a specific category.
Generic Top Ten List
10. We found Waldo -- and he's using a Thighmaster!
9. He got the crap kicked out of him by Richard Simmons
8. Two words: Whoopi Roast
7. Regular fries, large fries, Clinton-size fries
6. Groin pull!
5. Three more marriages and Liz Taylor wins a mountain bike
4. Madonna put "The Club" on her cone bra!
3. Get your hand off my ass, Senator Packwood
2. The Mets suck
1. Another pie, Oprah?
October 27, 1993
Top Ten Revelations In The Packwood Diary
10. Spends thousands of dollars a month on them teen chat lines
9. Bill Bradley usually beats the 24-second clock (If you know what I mean)
8. Only ten percent of taxpayer's money went to Heidi Fleiss
7. Jesse Helms has never seen himself naked
6. One thing all of the Senators have in common...Madonna
5. Favorite pickup line: "If you've got the ways, I've got the means"
4. When he's too tired to go out, Packwood sometimes sexually harasses himself
3. Bob Dole? A woman
2. Daniel Patrick Moynihan's hat is often used as a birth control device
1. Senate pages say "Yea" more than "Nea"
October 28, 1993
Top Ten Signs Leona Helmsley Is Rehabilitated
10. No longer seen jumping subway turnstiles
9. Visits elementary schools teaching youngsters how to cheat on their taxes
8. Four words: She's a hugging machine
7. All rooms in her hotels are now free! Seriously! Call 1-800-HELMSLEY
right now to reserve yours!
6. Always arrives on time for weekly face lift
5. Before she was released, returned three dozen stolen towels to prison
4. Mumbled "sorry" after coldcocking the doorman
3. Is receiving counseling for her addiction to mascara
2. Has removed the word "bitch" from her resume
1. Counts to ten, then slaps the houseboy
October 29, 1993
Top Ten Signs You Got a Bad Flu Shot
10. Feet swell up, ears catch on fire, nose explodes
9. In the so-called "serum", you recognize a couple of Cheerios
8. When you walk into a room, people say "Hey, it's Shelley Winters!"
7. Two weeks after getting the shot, you die of the flu
6. The next day you find yourself on stage rubbing yourself with the Puerto
5. It looks like chafing...it feels like chafing...but it isn't chafing
4. You got the shot from a street vendor
3. You immediately fall asleep, and when you wake up it's 2025 and your
mission is to track down Wesley Snipes
2. Your skin darkens and you start saying awful things about Whoopi
1. Hives the size of melons
November 3, 1993
Top Ten Good Things About Being Mayor of New York City
10. Get pot hole named after you
9. Mayor's table at Blimpie's
8. Every single day: Your weight in quarters from the Lincoln toll booth
7. The city is sparkling clean and free of crime, so it's not a very hard job
6. Any trouble, you just call Batman
5. It's the second most powerful position in N.Y., right behind the head of
the Gambino family
4. Only one allowed to spit off top of Empire State Building
3. Full control of secret nuclear arsenal aimed at New Jersey
2. Every Tuesday: Hoagies with Sharpton
1. Chicks dig mayors
November 4, 1993
Top Ten Ways To Mispronounce "Newt Gingrich"
10. Ging Newtrich
9. Gewt Ningrich
8. Nut Grinderswitch
7. Ghingis Newt
6. Mr. Goodwrench
5. Grinch Neutron
4. Newt Gringhers
3. Newtros Newtros-Gingy
2. El Newto Gingricho
November 5, 1993
Top Ten Signs You've Elected A Bad Mayor
10. Just keeps repeating over and over again, "I'm sleepy"
9. Months after inauguration, still hasn't shown up at city hall
8. Campaign slogan: "What's in it for me?"
7. When confronted with a crisis, you overhear him mumble, "What would Norm on
6. His date for his inauguration is Heidi Fleiss
5. During acceptance speech, addresses voters as "suckers"
4. Last name: "McCheese"
3. Within hours after his inauguration, all water and electricity are shut off
2. The day after election day he wakes up naked on the Staten Island ferry
1. Raises taxes; lowers pants
November 8, 1993
Top Ten Parachute Guy Excuses
10. Was gooned on Nyquil
9. Life's dream was to make Marv Albert's blooper reel
8. El Nino!
7. Was trying to do that E.T. space-bicycle thing
6. Heard Meat Loaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love" one time too many
5. Got wrong address for "Parachute-O-Gram"
4. Three words: Too much Pepsi
3. Publicity stunt for new adventure series called "Superdork"
2. Upset by Ted/Whoopi breakup
1. Head 98% bone
November 9, 1993
Top Ten Things Overheard at the Gore-Perot Debate
10. "Which one's Bowe and which one's Holyfield?"
9. "Damn, where's my index card with all my homespun witticisms?"
8. "Gore and Perot disagree on world trade -- but they slow dance beautifully
7. "Wife #8 on your private line, Mr. King"
6. "How about I just buy Mexico?"
5. "What the hell was that Prize Wonderland thing?"
(Just before the Top Ten List was read by Dave, he did a little skit called
Prize Wonderland, which consisted of a spokesmodel showing two
picture-phones and a sofa to the audience.)
4. "Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen, but 98% of the country has now dozed off"
3. "Who are you calling stiff? You jug-eared freak!"
2. "Thank you. I'm glad you think Mrs. Gore is a fox, Senator Packwood"
1. "Look out, parachute!"
November 10, 1993
Top Ten Signs Ross Perot Is Losing His Mind
10. Hired private detective to have himself followed
9. Kept offering Larry King a chance to go through his pockets
8. All he wants to do is get home and feed the chickens
7. Since June, has had four hysterical pregnancies
6. Started debate by rubbing Mexican flag between his legs
5. His ears still flap, but no longer in unison
4. Showed up for debate without Stockdale
3. Now up to five haircuts a day
2. Wants to be called Ross "Dice" Perot
1. Announced his engagement to Whoopi
November 11, 1993
Top Ten Disturbing Examples Of Violence On TV
10. The constant slapfights between Dan and Connie
9. The day an obviously drunk Jacques Cousteau beat up a manatee
8. Bob Barker's quickie neuterings at the end of "The Price is Right"
7. In special episode of "Family Matters", everyone gets stranded on an island
and Urkel is killed for meat
6. Unknowing guest gets between Oprah and the buffet
5. Disgruntled postal worker week on "Jeopardy"
4. In "Madonna Live Down Under", back up singer is impaled on a cone bra
3. Malfunctioning Thighmaster beheads Suzanne Somers
2. Richard Simmons tries to hug a fat guy who knocks him unconscious with
a 2 x 4
1. Kathie Lee kicks Regis in the ass
November 12, 1993
Top Ten Signs Your Date Is Not Having A Good Time
10. Doesn't laugh when you give yourself ketchup sideburns
9. As you drop her off, she says "Do me a favor -- next time call a different
8. You catch her giving her phone number to the guy squeegeeing your
7. "Whoa! Is it 8:15 already!?"
6. Seems unimpressed that you're the senior senator from Oregon
5. Lunges at you several times with a steak knife
4. Doesn't even finish her "Whopper"
3. It's been 4 hours since she left for the ladies room
2. You're Orville Redenbacher; she hates popcorn
1. Whispers to waiter "Please kill me"
November 15, 1993
Top Ten Things Overheard At The NYC Marathon
10. "Taxi -- finish line and step on it!"
9. "Fifteen thousand, three hundred and twenty-eight steps. Fifteen thousand,
three hundred and twenty-nine steps..."
8. "Out of my way, Oprah!"
7. "For the last time, I don't want to be squeegied"
6. "I haven't seen this much chafing in midtown since the 'Girlie Tour' was
5. "I'm going to catch that Mexican or my name isn't H. Ross Perot"
4. "Faster! Here comes Lorena Bobbitt!"
3. "Congratulations on finishing the marathon. Now, give me your wallet"
2. "Would you please stop 'accidentally' bumping into me, Senator Packwood"
1. "That ain't Gatorade!"
November 16, 1993
Top Ten Reasons Puerto Rico Does Not Want To Become A State
10. Pennsylvania's already "The Keystone State", and if you can't be "The
Keystone State", what's the point?
9. Too disruptive to be towed by tug boat and welded on to Texas
8. Don't want to have to pay Clinton's Pina Colada tax
7. U.S. Teams keep getting ass kicked by Canadian teams in World Series
6. As a state it would attract more visits from Ross Perot
5. Alaska became a state, and look what happened -- it's freezing there!
4. To avoid spoiling U.S. flag, they'd have to share a star with New Jersey
3. That "Ready to Rumble" guy is just too annoying
2. Might have to sit next to Packwood in the Senate
1. Two words: Lorena Bobbitt
November 17, 1993
Top Ten Lorena Bobbitt Excuses
10. Hoped it would somehow help NAFTA get passed
9. Too much caffeine
8. What can I say? I love a good joke
7. That's what he gets for hoggin' the remote control
6. Took Bob Barker's constant "spaying and neutering" reminders to their
5. I was trying to cut the price tag off his new pajamas and he sneezed
4. Good practice for carving Thanksgiving turkey
3. Fell asleep whittling in bed
2. Was tired of playing "got your nose"
November 18, 1993
Top Ten NAFTA Provisions
10. Canadians can borrow your car anytime they want
9. Mexican workers still get $1.25 an hour, but will also get a complimentary
pair of NAFTA slacks
8. Like it or not, Bob Dylan has to do at least one Letterman show
7. Instead of airbag, Mexican-built Chevrolets will have pinata
6. Al Gore must drink a shot of Cuervo every hour
5. When visiting Mexico and Canada, Americans free to shoplift as much as they
4. President Clinton has to split time between McDonald's and Taco Bell
3. Every talk show gets a "Coffee Mountie"
(After reading this, a fully uniformed Mountie appears from the side door,
walks to Dave's desk and fills his mug with coffee. Dave thanks him and
the Mountie calls Dave a "bastard.")
2. Deportation of Lorena Bobbitt to Guadalajara
1. "Pesos" now "Clintos"
November 19, 1993
Top Ten Signs Al Gore Is Loosening Up
10. Blinks like it's going out of style
9. Appeared on "Larry King Live" without pants
8. During NAFTA debate with Perot, kept saying, "Chill out, rich dude"
7. Shaved head to be back-up singer in Madonna's Girlie Show
6. Tipper's exhausted (if you know what I mean)
5. He's been hangin' with Meat Loaf
4. Instead of commuting by limo, straps on his rollerblades and grabs onto
3. Goes on talk shows and says this:
(Here, they show a brief clip of Al Gore's appearance on the Late Show
2. No longer personaly offended by Packwood's passes
1. Loosens tie during sex
November 22, 1993
Top Ten Demands Of The Striking Flight Attendants
10. Maximum of 1,000 "bye-bye nows" per week
9. Actual cash bonus at Christmas instead of gallon of jet fuel in holiday
8. No longer have to go "Oooh!" when pilot points out Grand Canyon
7. Every year on your birthday, you get a free flight to the moon, where a
delicious birthday cake is waiting
6. No more Hulk Hogan inflight movies
5. Every now & then, just for fun, you get to shout, "Turbulence!" and dump a
pot of hot coffee into a passenger's lap
4. No longer have to certify couples qualifying for Mile High Club
3. Option not to leave airplane when on the ground in New York
2. Pilots must keep their pants in the upright and locked position
1. Three words: Cockpit hot tub
November 23, 1993
Top Ten Deals Clinton Had To Make To Get NAFTA Through Congress
10. Drain Potomac, refill it with delicious root beer
9. Free for everyone who votes yes: Mexican artist does your portrait in
8. Must never wake Strom Thurmond again
7. Every Tuesday is wacky sombrero day at the Supreme Court
6. Giant Pentagon-size rum cake for Ted Kennedy
5. Tom Foley's fifteen-year-old grandson now in charge of the Coast Guard
4. Won't wear jogging shorts in public anymore
3. Promise to show Tommy Lasorda swimming laps on national TV
(Tommy Lasorda was live via satellite all evening swimming laps in a pool)
2. Surgeon General: Lorena Bobbitt
1. Get Packwood a date with Charo
November 24, 1993
Senator Packwood's Top Ten Dating Tips
10. Use the word "alleged" a lot
9. Two words: transparent pants
8. Practice before date by groping a sack of potatoes
7. Gerrymander her constituency (if you know what I mean)
6. Surefire holiday gag: Offer her a "Christmas Goose"
*At this point, the Top Ten List display on the screen goes haywire, and Hal
tells Dave to just continue reading the list, without the onscreen text*
5. Always wear thick rubber gloves when fondling radioactive material
*Now, Hal puts up the blank Top Ten background, without any text*
4. Great opening line: "How would you like to be in my diary?"
*Dave tells Hal to just fade to black, and they'll pretend they're on radio,
and Hal does just that*
3. Pretend to get phone call, tell her it's the President, and he says it's
vitally important that I put my hand on your theigh
2. Always make Lorena Bobbitt walk through metal detector
1. Chicks dig senators
**BTW: This entire screw-up was entirely unintentional**
November 25, 1993
Top Ten Thanksgiving Movies In Times Square
10. "Turkey Sluts"
9. "The Pantsless Pilgrim"
8. "Debbie Does the Old Plymouth Colony"
7. "Jurassic Pork"
6. "Eat This"
5. "Candy and Her Yams"
4. "The Master Baster"
3. "Three Men and a Drumstick"
2. "Stuffing Miss Daisy"
November 26, 1993
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the Earth's axis
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram warning you to "Back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else
(A clip (previously shown on one of the first CBS shows) is shown of a
"fat" Dave eating a big bag of potato chips)
3. Getting off your couch requires help of the fire department
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt
1. You're sweatin' gravy
November 29, 1993
Top Ten Stores That Won't Do Much Business This Holiday Season
10. Price Gougers
9. Burt and Loni's Cozy Couple Shop
8. Toys "R" Defective
7. Every Item $7500
6. Crap Mart
5. The Really, Really, Really Limited
4. Hefty Lefties: The Store for Left-Handed Fat Guys
3. Gap for Bastards
2. Joey Buttafuoco's Auto Body Shop
1. Roseanne's Secret
November 30, 1993
Top Ten Signs The Nanny You've Hired Is Really A Man
10. Constantly whining about prostate trouble
9. Name on driver's license reads "Walter Payton"
8. Can bench press 450
7. After changing baby's diapers, services your Jeep
6. Constantly adjusting herself
5. Has Adam's apple the size of a cue ball
4. On day off, appears on "Geraldo"
3. Knows a little too much about "Mork"
2. Winces whenever someone mentions Lorena Bobbitt
1. The Bea Arthur factor
December 1, 1993
Top Ten Signs The Theater Is Too Cold
10. We're using flannel cue cards
9. Tonight's other guests have broken Sam Donaldson into pieces for kindling
8. Audience hardly laughing at top ten list
7. Madonna always performs on show fully clothed
6. Ed Sullivan looks fine even when we take him out of the cryogenic chamber
for a couple hours
5. The rats are sluggish
4. My hairpiece becomes brittle and shatters when I laugh
3. After show I have to defrost my pants
2. Senator Packwood keeps his hands in his pockets
December 2, 1993
Top Ten Signs You've Hired A Bad Department Store Santa
10. He wears the Santa costume all year round
9. Tells salesgirls that "Me & Mrs. Claus have an understanding"
8. After every toy request says "Yeah, right"
7. Tries unsuccessfully to hide the fact that he's wearing handcuffs
6. Charges $5.95 for the first minute, $2.95 each additional minute
5. Every day around 10 A.M. throws up on the down escalator
4. Keeps sending elves out for more vermouth
3. Whether they want it or not, gives every kid a crewcut
2. Keeps reminiscing about his vice presidency under George Bush
1. He's packin' heat
December 3, 1993
Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Tom And Roseanne
10. Guaranteed spot on "Geraldo"
9. In family Christmas card photo, you'll always be at the top of the pyramid
8. Two words: engagement tattoo
7. You have a say in who the three of you will marry next
6. They're really rich
5. On wedding night, you get to operate the winch
4. Finally satisfy your family who's been nagging you to settle down with some
nice man and woman
3. Your very own five-inch section of the bed
2. When you marry Roseanne, you automatically get your own TV show
1. No leftover wedding cake
December 13, 1993
Top Ten White House Christmas Traditions
10. String lights on Al Gore
9. Pentagon scientists bring over a few of their genetically engineered elves
8. Official reception for all new Clinton brothers discovered during past year
7. Send Christmas card with photograph of family having great time in White
House to George and Barbara Bush
6. Special hillbilly Santa with stringy beard and sack full of possum
5. Instead of burning a Yule log they set fire to bundles of tax dollars
collected from hard-working Americans like you & me
4. Marine choir sings "Silent Night" while Senator Kennedy chugs bowl of egg
3. One lucky elf gets to spend the night with Hillary
2. "Santa" Packwood begs staff secretaries to sit on his lap
1. Two words: Tipper Nog
December 14, 1993
Top Ten Things Overheard On Clinton's New York Shopping Spree
10. "Do you have any shorter jogging shorts?"
9. "I don't gotta pay for stuff! I'm the damn President!"
8. "Begging the Presidents pardon but the 'high fallutin gizmo' is called an
7. "Blitzen, Bubba. Bubba, Blitzen."
6. "You got any of them coffee mugs with 'Gennifer' on it?"
5. "Boy, New York City is really great this time of -- Hey, my wallet!"
4. "Mr. President, are you gonna watch Dave get shaved tonight?"
(Dave grew a beard over his vacation last week, and had it shaved on the
air this evening.)
3. "Look out, that's no elf that's Perot..."
2. "Mr. President, my name's Dan Quayle and I'll be your waiter tonight."
1. "Off my lap, tubby!"
December 15, 1993
Top Ten Reasons Donald Trump Will Make A Good Husband
10. Carries MasterCard, Visa, and American Express
9. Tests show kids raised in casinos tend to be caring, responsible adults
8. Is it just me, or is he the most huggable thing this side of JFK Jr.?
7. He's a refined gentleman who keeps his personal life out of the press
6. Weasels mate for life
5. In 1987, paid Billy Dee Williams $10 million to teach him everything there
is to know about kissing
4. The "Trump Shuttle", if you know what I mean
3. The pre-nuptial agreement is written in very romantic language
2. His bimbo girlfriends can double as babysitters
1. His pasty white thighs
(During the opening monologue, Dave made a joke about Bill Clinton and his
"pasty white thighs," and Paul created a song and sang it throughout the
December 16, 1993
Top Ten Real Reasons Les Aspin Is Leaving
10. Kept calling Clinton "President Bubba"
9. The nation's Defense Secretary shouldn't be scared to death of spiders
8. One word: Amway
7. Said he was "tired of hanging with a bunch of losers"
6. Don't ask, don't tell
5. Guilty admission that he'd stolen a hundred pairs of Clinton's shoes
4. Seening "Mrs. Doubtfire" made him aware of life options he never knew
3. Started every cabinet meeting by yelling, "Let's bomb the crap out of
2. He and Lorena are going to try it again
1. Offered more money by CBS
December 17, 1993
Top Ten Things Overheard at the CBS Christmas Party
10. "Look at Angela Lansbury...'Blotto, She Wrote'."
9. "I'm sorry I dozed off, Mr. Rooney. Now what were you saying about how
hard it is to open milk cartons?"
8. "Oh my God, that was no pinata -- that was really Walter Cronkite!"
7. "No fair! Morley Safer's hogging the karaoke machine!"
6. "More fudge Mr. Kuralt?"
5. "The dwarf who plays Murphy Brown's baby is sure putting away the booze!"
4. "Every year it's the same thing -- Letterman has a couple of drinks and
breaks out his fiddle."
3. "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman is giving turn-your-head-&-cough tests in the
2. "Now there's a switch -- Mike Wallace is exposing himself!"
1. "They used our Christmas bonuses to pay that idiot Letterman!"
December 20, 1993
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Christmas Tree
10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide
9. Salesman's opening line: "Your're not a cop, are you?"
8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck
7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy
6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it
5. Keeps heckling why you try to do a lame top ten list
(The Christmas tree next to Dave says, "You suck Letterman, you really
4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it
3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours
2. Some guy named Mujibar puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it
(The famed Mujibar from the gift shop next to the theater, placed a
Statue of Liberty model on the top of Dave's tree for Christmas)
1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"
December 21, 1993
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Trump Wedding
10. "Mother Theresa -- Nipsey Russel; Nipsey Russel -- Mother Theresa."
9. "What do you mean my credit's no good here? I'm the groom!"
8. "Wow, Boutros Boutros-Ghali can really put away the Rob Roys!"
7. "That pre-nuptial agreement is signed, right? Okay, then I do."
6. "On no, Liz Taylor caught the bouquet!"
5. "I'm sorry, but there is no more cake, Mr. Limbaugh."
4. "How much longer before I get half of everything?"
3. "Whose turn is it to heimlich Sharpton?"
(After reading number 3, Dave's Christmas tree says, "Number 3 sucks!")
2. "Look at Letterman alone on the couch chugging egg nog!"
(A clip is shown of Dave sitting on a couch drinking egg nog from a punch
1. "It's Ivana and she's got a steak knife!"
December 22, 1993
Top Ten Inaccuracies About The White House
10. The President's 1974 Plymouth Duster is up on blocks on the White House
9. Dee Dee Myers' real name: Dee Dee Dee Dee Myers
8. White House has illegal hook-up for HBO
7. No red "hotline" phone to Domino's
6. Forty people on staff just to say "Lookin' good, Mr. President"
5. Al Gore not allowed on good furniture
4. Lincoln bedroom doubles as Socks' litter box
3. Michael Jackson was hiding there for a while
2. Yes, we met Letterman, all he did was drink the egg nog
(The same clip of Dave sitting on a couch and drinking egg nog from a punch
bowl was shown again)
1. Everywhere you look: Big Mac wrappers
December 23, 1993
Top Ten Christmas Movies In Times Square
10. The Stocking Stuffer
9. Prancer and Dancer Meet Lancer
8. Live On Stage! Bob Cratchitt and Mrs. Cratchitt Doing It!
7. The Night the Grinch Stole a Guy's Wallet on the D Train
6. Up Santa's Chimney
(Santa was sitting in the audience, and after Dave read this one, Santa
yelled, "Screw you, Letterman!" and left the theater)
5. Miracle on 69th Street
4. Frosty the Butt Man
3. Rotating Pies
(Dave had clips of a rotating pie display from a diner playing all evening)
2. The Nutcrackers
1. That Ain't Egg Nog!
December 27, 199
Top Ten Signs It's Cold In New York
10. Pickpockets put hands in strangers' pockets to keep warm
9. You can walk across frozen East River, and see dozens of mob informants
8. Taxi drivers wear turbans with ear flaps
7. Mike Wallace and Morley Safer are constantly hugging
6. The hookers have on long-johns
5. Chemicals that make up the Hudson River have congealed into a thick
4. Whenever a bike messenger gets hit by a cab, he shatters into a million
3. Headline in New York Post: Man Stabbed in Midtown for CBS Earmuffs
(Dave dialed up the bank of pay phones down the street from the theater
and had two people run down to meet him inside. Because of the cold,
he gave one of them a set of earmuffs with the CBS logo on each ear)
2. You can see people's breath when they yell "Screw you!"
1. Everyone's wearing pants
December 28, 1993
Top Ten Ways Santa Relaxes
10. Tours with his good buddy Jerry Garcia
9. Hint: It involves a bowling ball and ten elves
8. Carnival Cruise with Kathie Lee
7. Does "Fat Odd Couple" with Marlon Brando at Tahiti Dinner Theatre
6. Stuffs Mrs. Claus' stockings, if you know what I mean
5. Cuts costs for next Christmas by exchanging his stockpile of guns for toys
4. Has Arkansas state police rustle him up some babes
3. Eats Cheetos until his entire beard is orange
2. Two words: Strip joints!
(After reading this one, Dave shows a clip of Santa Claus entering the
strip joint down the street from the theater)
1. Jacuzzi full of egg nog
December 29, 1993
Top Ten Things Overheard On Clinton's Duck Hunting Trip
10. "Will that wounded duck be eligible for your health care plan?"
9. "Boy this is fun! You now, it really ought to be easier for people to
8. "Hi there, little feller! Quack for Uncle Bubba."
7. "It would be a shame if we accidentally downed a couple of big-mouthed
6. "You look great in that negligee. By the way, Hillary thinks I'm duck
5. "Mr. President, Domino's says they can't deliver to a duck blind."
4. "Trust me, Roger, it'll be funny. Just put on the duck hat and run
around in the weeds."
3. "When you're shooting, just think of them as Ross Perot."
2. "Let's shoot Gore in the ass and see if he flinches."
1. "Get me some coffee, Dukakis!"
December 30, 1993
Top Ten Signs You're Not Getting A Year-End Bonus
10. Boss says "Nice work, Johnson", but your name isn't Johnson
9. Your desk and stapler are sold for scrap
8. You work for a company called "No Year-End Bonuses, Inc."
7. Boss keeps saying "There's always that Publishers Clearinghouse thing"
6. You're the CBS guy who said, "Don't worry, there's no way we can lose
the rights to NFL football"
5. You're the Director of Safety for Amtrak
4. The boss hands everyone bonus envelopes, but yours says "For display
3. Year end review includes words like "dolt" and "jackass"
2. You're the only Connecticut State Trooper who hasn't written Letterman
1. You're Michael Jackson's P.R. guy
December 31, 1993
Top Ten Least Popular Alcoholic Beverages
**To assist in this Top Ten List, Dave brought out the Top Ten Backup
Singers, a trio, who sang each number before Dave read the item**
10. Really, Really, Really, Really Old Milwaukee
9. D-Train Scotch
8. Amaretto Di Gotti
7. Orville Redenbacher's Butter-Flavored Vodka
5. Dinty Moore's Pork N' Booze
4. Ernest, Julio, Tom and Roseanne Gallo
3. Dr. Scholl's Medicated Tequila
2. Seagrams 7, Mets 0
1. Chivas Regis