Satiric radio commentary for the 90s from the man who drained Lake Michigan and filled it with hot chocolate!!!

Outdoor Backyard Lawn Functions--NOT A Good Idea!

Stan Freberg here. I've gone to a number of outdoor dinners where the tables and chairs were right on the grass. A good idea? Umm...I don't think so. Be right back. [:60 SPOT BREAK]

Freberg again. Here in Southern California, where I live, it must seem like a wonderful idea in theory to have some function right out on somebody's back lawn, because the weather in Southern California is usually balmy. But balmy is what the hostess is who plans these functions for one charity or another.

The moment of truth comes as the elegantly-dressed women in high heels traipse across the grass trying to find their table, and discover with each step that their heels sink into the dew-damped lawn.

Actually, that's just the pre-moment of truth. The real moment of truth comes as they sit down, and discover the legs of their folding chairs slowly sinking into the grass. I've attended several such outdoor dinners, and it's always the same.

As my wife's and my chairs--along with the evening sun--slowly sink, I gaze across the outdoor tables and see people tilting at various angles. Waiters give up ladling salad dressing and grasp people under the armpits in an attempt to pull them out of the grass quicksand.

Recently, I saw a woman go over backwards, upside-down, ending up legs in the air, as her chair sank like the Titanic.

"We're having it outside on the lawn. Can you come?"

Hmmmmmm...I don't think so.

Stan Freberg here.

Copyright (C)1996, Stan Freberg/Freberg, Ltd. (but not very) Distributed by Dick Brescia Associates and Radio Spirits, Inc.