Satiric radio commentary for the 90s from the man who drained Lake Michigan and filled it with hot chocolate!!!

Harper's Index: Bathing Suits and Barbie Dolls, etc., etc.

Stan Freberg here with more actual statistics from "Harper's Index." Number of bathing suits sold in the U.S. per second? 4. Hmm. Let's see how many are sold by the end of this 90-second commentary. [:60 SPOT BREAK]

Freberg again. Number of missles designed for the Pentagon by Jack Ryan, a designer of the first "Barbie" doll? 2! Oh, yeah, those are the missles that look like a small, anatomically correct female, with many changes of clothes.

Next, average number of hours a week that Bob Dole spends tanning? 3.5. Amount of sunscreen Dole uses: 0. Oh-oh, bad role model, Bob.

Next, estimated cost of sealing the U.S./Mexican border with a replica of the Great Wall of China? 45 billion. Hmm, if Pat Buchanan ever gets elected, I'm sure he'll put that in his budget.

Average amount of food an American woman would have to consume evry day, in order to eat like a bird, in pounds? 134. Hmm.

Number of Elvis impersonators the Olympic Committee has hired to entertain in the Olympic Village? 3. Only 3? Maybe the day will come when Elvis impersonating will become an Olympic category.

Okay, in the previous 90 seconds, 360 bathing suits were sold in the U.S. Whoops! In the 4 seconds it took me to say that, add another 16 bikinis. 376.

Stan Freberg here.

Copyright ©1996, Stan Freberg/Freberg, Ltd. (but not very) Distributed by Dick Brescia Associates and Radio Spirits, Inc.