Satiric radio commentary for the 90s from the man who drained Lake Michigan and filled it with hot chocolate!!!

Vote For Dracula.

Stan Freberg here. We all know Bob Dole is trying. At least, I think he's trying; but he seems so listless most of the time, saying the wrong things constantly. And having the press pick up on it would tend to wear one down. And how about that lack of a smile? More on that, when I come back. [:60 SPOT BREAK]

Freberg here. I still remember a political cartoon from last winter showing a listless Bob Dole standing in the snow at New Hampshire, outside "Dole for President" headquarters. Two battery cables fastened to his shoulders were running to a "Die Hard" battery in the car, with the hood open. A guy yelled to another guy at the wheel, "Okay, hit it!"

I'm sure Dole would make a good President, but though his energy does seem to be up, what he really needs is a halfway decent smile. Ever see a picture of Dole smiling? Umm, I thought not.

People aren't gonna vote for a man who looks like Count Dracula most of the time. When he does try to smile, it's kinda pitiful. His cheek muscles just seem to resist.

Maybe Dole has put his foot in his mouth so much, he's injured his smile muscles.

So, here's my suggestion: maybe the Republican Party can contact the surgeon who operated on the little girl recently and helped her to smile. See if he can help Bob Dole.

Couldn't hurt. And it might help Dole smile his way into the White House.

Stan Freberg here.

Copyright ©1996, Stan Freberg/Freberg, Ltd. (but not very) Distributed by Dick Brescia Associates and Radio Spirits, Inc.