Satiric radio commentary for the 90s from the man who drained Lake Michigan and filled it with hot chocolate!!!

Harper's Index®: Killer Bee Stings, etc., etc.

Stan Freberg here with a few more statistics from "Harper's Index®." First, number of convicted felons who ran this year for position of Chicago alderman: 5. Hey, any felons listening who can't find employment, has Chicago got a potential job opening for you! Back in a minute. [:60 SPOT BREAK]

Freberg here with more strange statistics from "Harper's Index.®" Number of gallons of onion ice cream sold at the Vidalia Restaurant in Washington, D.C., last summer? 10. Mmmm, sounds yummy, huh?...Not.

Price of a three-year license to sell hot dogs outside New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art: $900,600. Boy, almost a million bucks! Huh, somebody has to want to sell hot dogs real bad to go for that deal. How much for a license to sell onion ice cream?

Next, estimated number of concurrent killer bee stings that a healthy adult can survive? 1300. Hey, how would you know when you were getting dangerously close to the 1300th bite?: "Twelve-hundred and ninety-six...OUCH!...twelve-hundred and ninety-seven...OUCH!...if my hand weren't so swollen, I'd dial '9-1-1' on my cellular...OUCH!!"

Finally, number of the first five Presidents of the U.S. who died on the 4th of July: 3. Huh. 3 out of 5, huh? Hard to tell whether they got some bad onion ice cream, or went over the limit on consecutive killer bee bites.

Stan Freberg here.

Copyright ©1996, Stan Freberg/Freberg, Ltd. (but not very) Distributed by Dick Brescia Associates and Radio Spirits, Inc.