Satiric radio commentary for the 90s from the man who drained Lake Michigan and filled it with hot chocolate!!!

Answering Machine Dilemma

Stan Freberg here. Where do old, defunct answering machines go? Somewhere, is there an answering machine graveyard? Why can't I get one that continues to work? Back after this. [:60 SPOT BREAK]

Freberg again. About those old answering machines: sooner or later, my current machine malfunctions, and ends up in the elephant's graveyard of answering machines under my desk. Let's see, I can see nine or ten down there...I keep kicking them to one side, hoping I'll get around to running them by some answering machine repairman. Is there such a person?

When I was small, a man would come around the neighborhood on a bicycle once a week and cry, "Knives sharpened! Scissors sharpened!" How about a man today crying, "Malfunctioning answering machines fixed!"? Dream on, Freberg.

My current Japanese machine runs pretty good, but I miss that digitized Asian voice that announced the time a call came in: "Fiiiiiiive-fiftytwo!" or "Niiiiiiiiine-thirtyfour!" One day that man stopped talking, and I never heard from him again.

One of the strangest things I recall about the Northridge earthquake was how, as I was running through the debris upstairs, I thought I heard a weird voice. I did - it was the tape on my answering machine, kicked on by the quake! "Hi, this is Jennifer returning your call, uh, I'll be in most of the day, um, no I won't, either..." babbling on and on, as things continued to crash off shelves.

Does it take an earthquake for my answering machine to work?

Stan Freberg here.

Copyright (C)1996, Stan Freberg/Freberg, Ltd. (but not very) Distributed by Dick Brescia Associates and Radio Spirits, Inc.