Satiric radio commentary for the 90s from the man who drained Lake Michigan and filled it with hot chocolate!!!

Inflation Catches Up With The Tooth Fairy

Stan Freberg here. The average payout by the Tooth Fairy is up from a buck per baby tooth to a buck seventy five. Hmm. When I was a kid, it was a quarter. "A quarter? Get with it, Dad!" Be right back. [:60 SPOT BREAK]

Freberg again. You know how it works: you lose a tooth, put it under your pillow, and sometime in the night the Tooth Fairy creeps in and leaves some money. Anywhere from a quarter to a buck. That's the drill.

But a new survey on baby tooth economics shows that the payout, adjusted for inflation, is up from a buck per tooth in 1990, to a buck seventy five.

The survey was commissioned by William Hartell, a St. Louis dentist. It shows that children from families with over $60,000 in income got the same from the Tooth Fairy as those from families with income of less than $15,000. It says that's because the first kid in a class who loses a tooth sets the standard.

But a former English professor and Tooth Fairy consultant, Rosemary Wells, says all this attention on Tooth Fairy prices sets her teeth on edge. "I hate Tooth Fairy studies that focus on nothing but monetary excahnge," she says.

Tooth Fairy STUDIES? How many have there been? Dr. Wells's Tooth Fairy Museum has more than 500 pieces of memorabilia--Tooth Fairy dolls, little velvet bags to stash teeth in...

Now I'm imagining the Tooth Fairy creeping up in the middle of the night, during these violent times:

"Okay, FREEZE!"

"Freeze? I'm the Tooth Fairy!"

"Yeah? A likely story. Drop the wand, honey--we're going downtown!"

Stan Freberg here.

Copyright (C)1997, Stan Freberg/Freberg, Ltd. (but not very) Distributed by Dick Brescia Associates and Radio Spirits, Inc.