Satiric radio commentary for the 90s from the man who drained Lake Michigan and filled it with hot chocolate!!!

Famous Christmas Lines?

Stan Freberg here. With the holidays upon us, it occured to me that some famous lines have been written, and we don't know who the original writers are. Could they step forward and take the dubious credit? Be right back. [:60 SPOT BREAK]

Freberg again. Charles Dickens is responsible for the classic line, "Bah! Humbug!" from "A Christmas Carol"; but I've been wondering about another couple lines that no Christmas would be without.

The first line is, "Some assembly required." As a parent, let me tell you those words strike fear and loathing into the heart of a daddy who has just noticed them in small letters on the side of the box, after the toy's been purchased and lugged home, of course. The dreaded "Put flap 'A' into slot 'B' after fastening all the 'C', 'D' and 'E' nuts onto bolts 'F', 'G' and 'H'" routine. Could the man who first wrote the "Some assembly required" line stand up, so I can punch him in the nose?

And by any chance, are you the author of the semi-endearing line, "Batteries not included"? Also written in small letters on the toy box, to be discovered on the holiday morning as a small child with pleading eyes askes, "Why doesn't it work, daddy?"

I long ago learned to stock AA, C, D and 9-volt batteries ahead of time, heh-heh. But I have a line of my own to get around "some assembly required." Here it is:

"They were all out of that, honey!"

Stan Freberg here.

Copyright (C)1996, Stan Freberg/Freberg, Ltd. (but not very) Distributed by Dick Brescia Associates and Radio Spirits, Inc.