Satiric radio commentary for the 90s from the man who drained Lake Michigan and filled it with hot chocolate!!!

Harper's Index®: L.A. Jail and Dry Cleaners, etc., etc.

Stan Freberg here with more statistics from "Harper's Index®." First, number of hours that the Los Angeles Central Jail runs its dry cleaning equipment, to prepare prisoners' street clothes for storage? 24. Hey, that dry cleaners is doing a runaway business! Be right back. [:60 SPOT BREAK]

Freberg here with more interesting statistics compiled by "Harper's Index®." Amount that U.S. intelligence agencies have spent on psychics since 1972? Get ready--$20 million! That's right, 20 million. Hmm.

Can you imagine the head of the C.I.A. on the phone with Dionne Warwick? "Bosnia? Hmm, I'm getting a vision of possible problems, but before I can tell you if the peace agreement hammered out in Dayton will hold, I'll have to see if the astrological signs of the Serb and Bosnian presidents coincide with the right position of the moon...and if the Croatian president's sign is on the cusp of..." You get the idea. What if the C.I.A. is using the same psychic Nancy Reagan used to use?

Finally, rank of Oprah Winfrey among the celebrities most Americans consider qualified for the U.S. Presidency? Number 1! Well, why not? She'd probably be as good as all those clowns that keep trying for the Presidency over the years; let's see how that would sound.

"President Winfrey's State of the Union Address, next 'Oprah'!" All right with me.

Stan Freberg here.

Copyright ©1996, Stan Freberg/Freberg, Ltd. (but not very) Distributed by Dick Brescia Associates and Radio Spirits, Inc.