BUGS (over applause): Eh...t'anks a lot, Doc! An' welcome once again to da Looneywood Squares.
LOONEY TUNES (In unison): Hi, Bugs!
BUGS:...oh, an' you too, Daffy.
DAFFY: (Camera blocks obscene gesture.)
BUGS: Sylvester, a recent issue of Esquire Magazine proclaimed,
"How To Be A Real Man." Who was on da cover?
SYLVESTER: Hillary Clinton.
(Answer: Lyle Lovett.)
BUGS: Daffy, chemically speakin', what does it mean if ya see
da letters "Pu"?
DAFFY (Crossing his eyes): It means Pepe LePew is back in town!
PEPE: I am wounded, monsiuer...
BUGS: Honey Bunny, what common activity accounts for da greatest
number of bone fractures most Americans suffer from?
HONEY: Crossing "Big Al."
BUGS: Sylvester, who produces da most turkeys in all da world?
SYLVESTER: Brian DePalma.
(Answer: At last count, California does...not countin' Hollywood,
BUGS: Sam, accordin' to legend, George Washington supposedly
threw somethin' across da Patomac River. What was it?
YOSEMITE SAM: A dollar...AND THE GOVERNMENT'S BEEN THROWIN' OUR MONEY AWAYS EVER SINCE!!!
(Answer: Sam's right...on both counts...although historians now
doubt such an event ever took place.)
BUGS: Mary, on what continent would you find Chad?
MARY MELODY: I don't care...I'm not dating Chad anymore.
(Answer: You'd find the country of Chad on the continent of Africa.)
BUGS: Daffy an' Daphne, has dere ever been a book publihsed called,
"How To Be Happy, Though Married"?
DAFFY: Yes...you'll find it in the science fiction section!
DAPHNE: How's that again, Wonga?
(Answer: Yes...it's a best-seller.)
BUGS: Porky, Harrison Ford did it three times, den swore he'd never do it again. But reportedly,
he's changed his mind an' apparently is gettin' ready to do it for a
fourth time. Do what?
PORKY PIG: Eat chili d-d-dogs before b-b-boarding an elevator.
(Answer: Supposedly, play "Indiana Jones" again.)
BUGS: Sylvester, accordin' to folklore, when Paul Bunyan took a nap, he was awakened by a soft wet nose an'
a large rough tongue licking his cheek. Whose tongue was it?
(Answer: Babe, the Blue Ox.)
BUGS: Sylvia, in what kind of device is a "meltdown" possible?
SYLVIA J. PUSSYCAT: Unfortunately for me, it's my microwave oven...glass of steak, anybody?
(Answer: A nuclear reactor.)
BUGS: Honey, Mike Wallace, of "60 Minutes" fame, used ta do somethin' in the 1950's dat he HATES to be reminded of.
What did he do?
HONEY BUNNY: Just like me...he wore poodle skirts.
BUGS: Honey, you weren't even AROUND in da 50's.
HONEY: So? I can be nostalgic without having been there!
(Answer: Believe it or not, Mike Wallace used to host TV game shows!)
BUGS: Wile E., you've just been given a heraldic device. Would ya
plug it in, hang it on a wall, or sit on it?
WILE E. COYOTE: Yes...and in that order!
(Answer: You'd hang it on a wall...it's a "coat of arms".)
BUGS: Porky, do jaguars come from South America?
PORKY: N-n-no, Bugs...there's a Jaguar d-d-dealership right up the street!
BUGS: Daffy, as incredible as it seems, Humphrey Bogart was NOT da
foist choice to play "Rick" in da classic film "Casablanca." Who was?
DAFFY: Joan Crawford...that's why it seems incredible!
(Answer: If legend is to be believed, it was another actor Warner Bros.
had under contract at the time...fella named Ronald Reagan!)
BUGS: Honey, true or false: after a male frog mates, he usually croaks.
HONEY: (Sigh...) That's the way I wanna go...
(Answer: R-r-ribbit..it's true...it's sort of a victory cry!)
BUGS: Mary, true or false: Accordin' to da book, "Talking With Horses,"
horses have about 30 different ways of saying "I love you."
MARY MELODY (disgustedly): ...and one particularly awful way of saying they DON'T!
(Answer: According to the book, it's true.)
BUGS: Sam, you've got a stem, a stamen and a pistil...should I
be afraid of you?
YOSEMITE SAM: Ya oughta be, varmint...my pistil's LOADED!!
(Answer: Nah...you're a flower. You couldn't hurt anybody.)
BUGS: Tweety, true or false: if you cut off a cat's whiskers, he'll
bump into walls and trees.
TWEEY: Oooooo...dat sounds wike FUN!!!
(Answer: Yep, it's true. Cats use them as sort of direction finders.)
BUGS: Daphne, accordin' to The Bible, "He that openeth something
wide shall have destruction." He that openeth what?
DAPHNE DUCK: A YUGO dealership!
(Answer: His mouth.)
BUGS: Daffy, true or false: In parts of North Carolina, it's illegal
to sneeze, gargle, snore, whistle, spank babies, preach, or beat a drum
DAFFY: Oh, great...now I gotta come up with a new act!
(Answer: True. Those are some of those ridiculous laws that were never
taken off the books the last time anybody checked.)
BUGS: Sylvia, accordin' to Dear Abby, is it okay if "the little woman"
comes to da breakfast table looking rumpled?
SYLVIA: I guess so, Bugs...but Sylvester and I keep wondering who that little
rumpled woman is that keeps eating our cat food.
(Answer: Abby says "Sure." It's part of being comfortable together.)
BUGS: Foggy, what's da national dog of Germany?
FOGHORN LEGHORN: Ah'm not sure, son...but ah THINK she works as
a barmaid in Berlin!...Barmaid, that is!
(Answer: Bet you thought it was the German Shepard. Nope - it's
BUGS: Speedy, what's da more familar name for a "Mexican hairless"?
SPEEDY GONZALES (stunned): SENOR FUDD IS MEXICAN???
(Answer: A chihuahua, of course.)
BUGS: Petunia..."jeden," "dwa," "trzy," "cztery," "piec," "szesc"...
What have I just done in Polish?
PETUNIA PIG: Insulted my whole FAMILY, that's what!!!
(Answer: I've just counted to six, that's what!)
BUGS: Elmer, Ernest Borgnine was once quoted as saying, "I
don't know why anybody would turn down..."?
ELMER FUDD: Warner Boulevard.
(Answer: An Academy Award®.)
BUGS: Sam, what was your grandmother tryin' ta do when she drank
a mixture of sugar, onion juice and kerosene?
YOSEMITE SAM (placing his hat over his heart): We'll never know, varmint...
she blew up.
(Answer: She was trying to cure a sore throat.)
BUGS: Petunia, what's dat stuff dat makes Superman® sick?
PETUNIA: Whatever that cheap perfume Lois Lane wears is.
BUGS: Honey, true or false: accordin' to da book, "It's A Mad,
Mad World," it takes three people to artificially inseminate a
HONEY BUNNY (shocked):...Doesn't anybody KISS anymore???
(Answer: according to the book, it's true. Now, these are people
with wayyyyyy too much time on their hands!)
BUGS: Mary, where would you find that famous line, "Out! Out,
MARY MELODY: In the only "Dick and Jane" book ever banned in Boston!
(Answer: In "MacBeth," by William Shakespeare.)
BUGS: Daff, your baby spends a lot of time bangin' his head against
da wall. Accordin' to a noted baby doctor, what should you do?
DAFFY: Break out my harmonica.
(Answer: Nothing. He'll quit eventually.)
BUGS: Mary, your boyfriend just turned 14. Accordin' to ettiquette,
is it okay to give him a pair of pajamas for his boithday?
MARY MELODY: He doesn't wear pajamas...OOOOPS!!!
(Answer: No, it's too personal an item.)
BUGS: Sam, what are "Mallard Fillmore," "Dilbert" and "Zippy the Pinhead"?
YOSEMITE SAM: Just some of th' many clever aliases Daffy Duck has used on his
nationwide tour of MO-tels!
DAFFY (Sticking his head in Sam's cubicle): You're despicable.
(Answer: They're comic strips.)
BUGS: Honey, in da movie "Casablanca," Humphrey Bogart NEVER said
a line that's been erroneously attributed to him. What DIDN'T Bogey
HONEY BUNNY: Bogey never said..."Eh, what's up, Doc?"
(Answer: He never said "Play it again, Sam"!)
BUGS: Daphne, true or false: a woman was recently asked to leave a
Billy Graham crusade becuae out of sheer coincidence, she had freckles
on her arms dat spelled out obscenities.
DAPHNE DUCK: And nobody would've noticed except when they made the
altar call and they saw a long thin sign with a wristwatch attached telling them
where they could put it.
(Answer: Nah, dat's false. But it sure woulda made a great story!)
BUGS: Sam, foist ya NOCK, then you DRAW, and then you SHOOT. Just what are
YOSEMITE SAM: Well, varmint, I WAS playin' gin rummy with a
CHEATER!...By th' way, our Friday night poker game is off, on
account 'a Fudd and Daffy.
BUGS: Fudd and Daffy? Why?
SAM: Well, would YOU play cards with someone who hides 'em up
their sleeves, peeks at your hand, an' deals from the bottom of the deck?
SAM: Well...neither will they!
(Answer: What you're doing is "Archery" - "nock" is when you fit the
notch in the arrow against the bow string, "draw' is when you pull back, and
"shoot," of course, is when you realease the arrow.)
BUGS: Daffy, dere's a famous old song dat goes, "Life is bare,
gloom and misery everywhere...so weary all the time/Can't go on,
everything I had is gone." WHAT IS THAT SONG?
DAFFY: "The Wedding March."
(Answer: "Stormy Weather." For a minute, I thought he was gonna say,
"Hail To The Chief"!)
BUGS: Honey, what screen legend once said, "The hell with the hair on
your head - it's the hair on your chest that counts!"
HONEY BUNNY: Shirley Temple...what else ya wanna know?
(Answer: Humphrey Bogart said that.)
BUGS: Daffy, your father was a jackass an' your mother was a horse.
What does that make you?
DAFFY (After doing a slow burn amid much laughter and hysterics from the other Squares and the audience):
THE STAR IN THE CENTER SQUARE, YOU BUCK-TOOTHED BOOB!
(Answer: It makes you a mule.)
BUGS: Taz, true or false: accorin' to da Miami Herald, da
people of China were never told dat man had walked on da moon.
TAZ: He HAS???
(Answer: According to the Herald, it's true.)
BUGS: Honey, you've promised to keep yourself mentally awake and
morally straight. What are you?
HONEY BUNNY: (Sigh)...the loneliest girl in all Glendale...
(Answer: You're a Boy Scout.)
BUGS: Daff, chimpanzees, monkeys an' gorillas are all classified as
primates. What are human beings?
DAFFY: A #*@?&!!#ng nuisance!
(Answer: They're primates, too.)
BUGS: Plucky, it was wise old Socrates who obsoived dat every man
should do it at least once, because it would lead to bliss. Do what?
PLUCKY DUCK: Call Mary Melody at 555-2138.
(Answer: Get married. Unfortunately, Socrates married a woman who made his life absolutely miserable!)
BUGS: Foggy, did early Greeks and Romans use watermelons as helmets?
FOGHORN: Early Greeks and Romans?...Ah say, yes, son...which
also accounts for the eventual large number of LATE Greeks and Romans!...
Late, that is!
(Answer: True, according to "Amazing Facts and Figures.")
BUGS: Monty, according to da classic song, "I've Got You Under My
Skin," what is it dat "comes in the night and repeats and repeats in my ear,
'Don't you know, little fool, you never can win'?"
MONTANA MAX: Dan Quayle! (I can't believe I got all dressed up for this!)
(Answer: "A warning voice".)
BUGS: Sylvester, Tweety is running a temperature of 112 degrees. What
should you do for him?
SYLVESTER: BASTE THE SUCKER!!!
(Answer: Nothing. That's a normal temperature for a canary...but who ever
said Tweety was normal?)
BUGS: Porky, true or false: Barbra Streisand was discovered singing in a bar.
(Answer: It's true. It was a talent contest, and she was the winner.)
BUGS: Elmer, can a horse remember something dat happened to him years ago?
ELMER: Yes...and that's why Yosemite Sam has an unwisted telephone number.
(Answer: Yes. Horses have excellent memories.)
BUGS: Pinky, who was da Academy of Country Music's "Entertainer of the Year' for 1994?
PINKY: Bubba-Bo-Bob Brain!
BRAIN: I'd like to thank my mamma and Elvis...
(Answer: The multi-talented Vince Gill.)
BUGS: Petunia, does da U.S. have a "clean water act"?
PETUNIA: Yes, they were regulars on "The Donny & Marie Show."
(Answer: Yes we do. It was passed in 1987...no jokes, please.)
BUGS: Daffy, he used to come into our living rooms on Tuesday nights in da
1950s, wearing gaudy outfits, sometimes dressing like a woman, and
telling jokes dat your grandfather'd heard. But he sure made us laugh.
Yes, there was nobody funnier on TV in the 50s than...
DAFFY: BISHOP SHEEN!
(Answer: Everybody's "Uncle Miltie," Milton Berle.)
BUGS: Granny, as you get older, do you tend to gesture more...
or less...with your hands while talking?
GRANNY: Give me just ONE MORE "getting older" question, Bugs, and I'LL
give you a hand gesture you'll never FORGET!
BUGS: Babs, do women tend to be more jealous than men?
BABS BUNNY: No...and how come Buster's got carpeting in HIS dressing room?
(Answer: No. They're pretty much equal.)
BUGS: Buster, what does da latin phrase "in toto" mean?
BUSTER: It means we're not in Kansas anymore?
(Answer: It means "completely.")
BUGS: Monty, in what state would you find da United Nations?
MONTANA MAX: A state of constant disagreement.
(Answer: They're headquartered in New York.)
BUGS: Elmyra, what's da technical term for "memory loss"?
ELMYRA: I forget (hee, hee, hee...)
BUGS: Plucky, what's that word that describes the change that
happens when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly?
Script ©2002, Lee M. Withers. This fanfic is a
parody of The Hollywood Squares television show, created by Merrill Heatter and Bob Quigley.
"The Hollywood Squares" is ©2002, King World Studios West, Inc. All
Looney Tunes and Tiny Toon Adventures characters ©2002 Warner Bros., Inc.