Dr. Science's Acceptance Speech
Cool Site of the Year Awards, New York City, October 3, 1996

Greetings to my fellow cyberspaceheads from the Fortress of Arrogance. In a content-thin Internet, my site is the roast beef and mashed potatoes, served after a long diet of pot pies and microwaved burritos. I consider this award to be the equivalent of a virtual Nobel Prize, without the prize money.

Just as Einstein had to wait eleven years after publishing his famous Theory of Relativity to be honored by the cautious Swedes, so have I labored these 14 years, misinforming the masses by the millions, first by my Public Radio International series, then by book, now by cyberfiller.

I have waited for the Wheel of Karma to spin on an ungreased axle. It has finally come around and today I am proud to stand buck naked before you. Those with the stomach to look will find neatly toned, washboard abs rippling through the Dynel fabric of my lab coat.

Yes, I know more than you do, as the thousands of daily e-mail subscribers and visitors to the proverbial www-dot-d-r-science-dot-com can testify. No, I am not a large corporation. I am not even publicly traded, unless youd like to give me a call. We can work out a deal. So it is to the little people, I give thanks for their allegiance to the Dr. Science doctrine. Thanks to the webmaster and creator of this site, Rick Alber, who has nurtured me like Mary Poppins and offered many spoonfuls of sugar or other artificial sweeteners. And to Cathie Walker and Brian Leslie, they of the Center for the Easily Amused and CEA Web Design. They took our site into therapy and found our inner child, however demented.

Thanks to Dan Coffey and Merle Kessler for my creation, script analysis and ghostwriting. And to Ducks Breath Mystery Theatre, still the best unknown comedy troupe in the land and Public Radio International, our radio network. And to Rodney, my research assistant, who could use a grant from one of those other Cool Site winners who have employees and benefit packages. Also, thanks to associate Dr. Steven Baker, whose cheery outlook and boundless enthusiasm have been an inspiration to us all. Finally, my deepest thanks to all of the Dr. Science fans and cult members whose hunger strike made this award necessary. In their honor, let the fountain of absolute knowledge that resides inside me gush forward and annoy even the most placid of us.

Thank you, Internet users, for using me this way.

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