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Lame

Yes, someone has to keep track of this stuff. So now, as painful as it is, here are the archives of the Lame Jokes of the Week from Car Talk Plaza, as sent in by listeners with FAR too much time on their hands...and remember - they're SUPPOSED to be lame!

Okay, okay...now on to the real reason you subscribed to the Time Kill Weekly: the Car Talk Lame Joke of the Week. Thanks this week to Donald Sobiski.

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch," the man said, then proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU JERK! It's 2 a.m.!"

What, you're still reading?

We have just the cure: a lame joke. This issue's lame joke was dumped in our in-box by Time Kill Specialist First Class Jim Plew.

Julie, the blonde (did we mention we're not very politically correct?), was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman.

At the first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure, that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is 50 bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well, she must--she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.

The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Still with us? Not in a coma or experiencing a sudden fit of narcolepsy? Well, then, here's your reward. It's the

***TIME KILL WEEKLY LAME JOKE OF THE WEEK***

Brought to you this week by Donn Sandell.

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, 'I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red again, and again they went right through.

This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red. She was really concerned that she was losing it, so she decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Oh, yeah, our Lame Joke of the Week! Thanks to Patrick Boylan, who sent this in, in response to a recent lame parrot joke Tommy shared on Car Talk.

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, very rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet — not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said:

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, this week from 12-year-old David Elkins:

A panda walks into a restaurant. He sits down and orders some food. The waiter brings the panda his meal. After he eats, when the waiter brings him the check, the panda takes out a gun and shoots him.

As the panda is leaving, the owner of the restaurant asks him, "Why did you shoot my waiter?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out.

The owner, now very confused, looks panda up in his dictionary. "Panda: A marsupial that lives in the mountains of China, eats shoots and leaves."

Thanks this week to Mike Nelson of Norwich, VT:

A man sat quietly reading his newspaper one Sunday morning. Suddenly he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in her hand.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Daisy' written on it?"

Man: "Oh, honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Daisy was the name of the horse I bet on."

The wife was satisfied and apologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting and reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.

Man: "What's that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse just called."

Two old friends, Sam and Bob, are baseball fanatics. They live and breathe baseball, they attend 60 games a year, the local bartender calls them to answer disputes regarding statistics, they have attended every World Series game since 1960. They are getting older and one day, Sam says to Bob, "If you die before I do, will you let me know if they play baseball in Heaven. I'll do the same for you if I die before you do." Bob agrees. Two days later Bob passes away in his sleep.

Sam comes home from the funeral and lays down for a nap, he's really tired. He drifts in and out of sleep. Suddenly, there's a heavenly voice saying "Sam! Sam!" Sam is startled awake and asks, "Is that you, Bob?" Bob answers, "Yes, Sam it's me."

Sam asks, "So, tell me Bob, do they play baseball in heaven?"

Bob replies "Sam, I've got good news and bad news, what do want to hear first."

"The good news first, Bob," Sam says.

Bob replies with "Okay, Sam, the good news is they play baseball in heaven, and the bad news is that you're starting the game tomorrow evening."

Two guys were working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously, one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man watching from the sidewalk couldn't understand what they were doing.

He says to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replies, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of MNMEA from cyberspace. Whoever that is.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a .45 revolver. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife," the man said. "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Six shots were heard, one shot after another. The agents heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Jack Minton:

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered, "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.

She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of John O'Brien:

A middle-aged guy had just been dumped by his wife. So he decides to go out and buy a shiny, new red BMW Z-3 convertible. He’s driving along at 80 mph, when he sees a flashing light on a police car in the rear view mirror.

"What the hell, he can't keep up with a BMW," he thinks to himself. So he floors it.

A few minutes later, he’s overcome with guilt. "Hey! What am I doing?," he thinks. And he slows down and pulls over.

The cop asks him for his license, and walks around the car while he examines both. When the cop gets back to the driver’s door, he says, "It's Friday the thirteenth. My shift is just about over. I'm tired and I want to go home. If you can give me a good excuse, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a split second and says…

"My wife just ran away with a policeman. I thought you were trying to give her back."

Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Berry Davis.

Three men died and they went to the pearly gates. Saint Peter told them that the kind of vehicle they would drive in heaven depended on how they lived their lives.

He told the first man he would have a Cadillac because he lived a good life and never cheated on his wife.

He told the second he would have a motorcycle because he only cheated on his wife once and he regretted it.

Then he told the third guy he would have a bicycle because he cheated on his wife a lot.

Well, two years later, the man on the bicycle spotted the man in the Cadillac crying.

He asked why he is crying since he had such a nice car and the man replied, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"

Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Bob Dinger:

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

This week's Lame Joke of the Week is actually a great tale -- perhaps even an urban legend -- but funny nonetheless. It's courtesy of Eugenia Tillinghast:

The other day I was in the local auto parts store. A lady came in and asked for a seven ten cap.

We all looked at each other and one of the service guys asked, "What's a seven ten cap?" She replied, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost somehow and I need a new one."

"What kind of car do you drive?" another guy asked. (Thinking that perhaps she drove an old Datsun Seven Ten.) The lady replied, "I drive a Buick." We asked her how big is the cap. She made a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in diameter.

"What does it do?" asked one of the service guys. She replied, "I don't know, but it's always been there."

One of the guys gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw a picture of it. So she made a circle about 3 1/2 inches in diameter and in the center she wrote 710.

As she was drawing, the guys behind the counter looked at it upside down and they fell behind the counter laughing their heads off.

(Directions: Draw a circle and write 710 in the center. Now look at it upside down.) Dope slap!


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Rich Barbour:

If Arnold Schwarzenegger was a cross dresser, he would be THE ALTERNATOR


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Michael Mykita:

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?"

"Yes," came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me."


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Ken Kristoff.

A man goes into a men's clothing store and buys a suit, has it fitted and says he needs it in two days for a job interview.

"No problem the tailor says." The customer leaves and the tailor rolls the suit up into a ball and tosses it in the corner.

Two days later the customer comes back and puts the suit on. He comes out of the fitting room with a startled look on his face.

"Hey…the right sleeve on the jacket is six inches too long!"

The tailor's answer: "Well…pull the sleeve up your arm and hold your arm tight against your stomach so the sleeve won't slide back down."

So he does. Then the customer says, "But the right lapel and right collar on the jacket droops down!"

The tailor's reply: "Pull them up higher and hold it in the proper spot with your chin pinning it to your chest."

The customer shouts, "The left pant leg is not hemmed up and is eight inches too long. Now what do I do?"

The tailor responds, "Just pull it up and hold it with your left hand."

So now the upset gentleman goes out of the store in his new suit...his right arm pinned to his stomach holding his sleeve, his chin fixed to his chest holding the lapel and his left hand tightly clasping his left pant leg just above the knee trying to keep it from sliding down over his left shoe.

As he hobbles down the sidewalk he passes two old geezers sitting on a bench. One old geezer says to the other, "Look at that poor soul there. Glad I'm not him."

The other geezer replies, "Yeah...me, too ...but one thing's for sure... he's got a GREAT TAILOR."


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Eugene Desavouret.

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: "REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!"


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of William Geisser:

On a tour of Minnesota, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit Mille Lacs Lake on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shorelines when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed in the water, a hapless man wearing a Green Bay football jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a twelve-foot sturgeon.

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Viking football tops roared into view from around the point. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the sturgeon's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Wisconsin man from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the sturgeon to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speed boat along with the dead sturgeon and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope, and he summoned them to the beach.

Upon them reaching the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some bitter hatred between the people of Wisconsin and Minnesota, but, now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and could serve as a model on which other states could follow."

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows nothin' 'bout sturgeon hunting. How's that bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Harry via cyberspace:

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife."


Here's this week's Lame Joke Of The Week, courtesy of Jon Harris:

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."


Here's this week's Lame Joke Of The Week, courtesy of Dave Wilson:

There was a man who had worked all his life and who had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than JUST about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife.

"Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her and she went over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Roger, in cyberspace:

An elderly couple has dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives leave the table and go into the kitchen.

The two elderly gentlemen are talking and one says, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man says, "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friends replies, "A carnation?"

"No. No. The other one," the man says.

His friend offers another suggestion, "The poppy?"

"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know the one that is red and has thorns?"

His friend says, "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Mike Jones:

George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?"

George said, "No." Then the police said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now 'cause I've just shot them all.'" Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips's residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George replied, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Robb Rossi:

A traffic cop is working at an intersection, when he sees a guy driving a pickup truck. He notices there are about 20 penguins in the back of the pickup, so he signals for the truck to pull to the side of the road.

He asks the guy driving what he's doing with all of the birds. The driver is frazzled and admits he doesn't know what to do with them, so the cop tells him to take them to the zoo. The driver thanks the cop and tells him he thinks it's a great idea.

A week later the cop sees the same pickup and it is still full of penguins. He pulls the truck over again and says to the driver, "Hey, I thought you said you were taking those penguins to the zoo!" ,p> The driver responds, "Yeah, and they loved it! Today we're going to a ball game!"


Here's this week's Lame Joke Of The Week, courtesy of Nathan Hoyt:

Late one night in the Washington, D.C., area a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a U.S. Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Rich Block-- and featuring our humble garage...

Crusty's young nephew, Cranky, applied for a position as mechanic at Click & Clack's garage. It just so happened that a young woman had walked in that day also looking for a job. There was really only one position to be filled, and since both applicants seemed to have the same qualifications, Ray asked them both to take a written test.

Upon completion of the test, both only missed one of the questions. Ray went to Cranky and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the young lady."

Cranky asked, "Why? We both got nine questions correct. Since my uncle Crusty works here, I should get the job!"

Ray said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."

Cranky then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Ray replied, "Simple, the young woman put down for question #4, 'I don't know.'

You put down, 'Neither do I.'"


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Alan Epstein:

A ham sandwich goes in a bar. The bartender looks at him, shakes his head and says,

"I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."


Granted, this isn't your run-of-the-mill Car Talk Plaza update. But that doesn't mean we can't have a Time Kill Weekly Lame Joke of the Week, does it? Here's this week's offering, courtesy of Neil Fuhriman:

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Kathleen Miller:

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.

The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Chris Felo and sent in honor of Tom and Ray's time at M.I.T.:

Three professors from Our Fair City go down to Mexico one night, get arrested, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, although none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Harvard School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent."

They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."

They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go, too.

The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from MIT, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires!"


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Prissy Lee:

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and asked, "Wedding cake?"


Of course, this is still the Time Kill Weekly, so here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Polly Lasker:

The Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, "Pope."

After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded in the limo -- and His Holiness doesn't travel light -- the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.

"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.

"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.

"Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."

"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.

"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."

"Governor."

"Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop. "But he's got the Pope driving for him."


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Kenn, from cyberspace:

A guy walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

The doctor hears this, thinks for a moment, then says, "Sounds like you have Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, it's not unusual."


Of course, this is still the Time Kill Weekly, so here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week. This week, another exceptionally lame joke from Jeff Pease:

At a theater, the usher approaches a man who has stretched out over three seats and asks him to sit up.

The man simply looks at him and says, "Uhhhh."

The usher asks again, and again the man says back to him, "Uhhhh."

The usher warns the man that he'll have to get the manager and there would be a good chance he'd be asked to leave. The man doesn't seem to care and again replies, "Uhhh."

So, the usher brings the manager over, and after several attempts to get the man to comply, the manager decides to call the police. A cop shows up and says to the guy, "Look, they've been asking you nicely to sit up and make room for other people, why are you being so stubborn?"

The guy stares at the cop and says, "Uhhh." The cop says, "Okay, buddy that's it. I'm going to kick you out of here. Now, where are you from, anyway?"

The guy replies, "Balcony...."


What's a Time Kill Weekly without a Lame Joke of the Week? This week, thanks to Jeff Pease...but it could just as well have come from Tommy....

A wife wakes up and sees her husband isn't in bed. She finds him in the kitchen crying over a cup of coffee.

"What's wrong?" the wife asks.

"Remember when you were only 16 and I was 18 and your dad caught us in the back seat of my car? He put a shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or you'll go to jail for twenty years.’"

The wife says, "Of course I remember. But, why are you crying?"

"Today is the day I would have been let out of jail!"


Of course, this is still the Time Kill Weekly, so here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Dan Harris.

A big wheel New York corporate lawyer decides to go duck hunting in the deep South.

He arrives, sets up, and almost immediately up comes some ducks and wonder of wonders, he shoots and hits one. It falls on the other side of a fence, marked, "No Trespassing." "Hey," he figures, "Big deal, what're some hayside farmers gonna do to a big shot like me?" So he climbs over the fence and goes for the duck. A voice calls out—he looks up and sees an old geezer on an even older tractor.

"What 'ya doin', boy?"

"Getting my duck," says the lawyer.

"No yer not, that there's my duck -- it landed on my propity -- soes its mine."

"Listen old man, you know who you're dealing with? I'm one of the biggest, baddest attorneys you ever saw -- I'll sue you and take everything you own."

"Tell 'ya what, Sonny. Let's take it to our little way of settlin' legal matters around these here parts, let's do it the 'Three Kick' rule."

"What's that, old man?"

"It's simple, I start by kickin' you three times, then it be your turn to kick me three times, last one standing wins."

'Hmmm,' thinks the lawyer, 'this is an old man. He couldn't kick too hard and I'll kick him so hard he'll never remember his own name -- teach him a lesson he'll never forget -- so why not?'

"OK," says the lawyer, "give it your best shot."

The old farmer slowly climbs down from his tractor, takes aim, and swiftly kicks the lawyer right between the legs -- causing him to fall to his knees, then the farmer walks around and kicks him in the kidneys. The lawyer falls over and the farmer walks around again and kicks him in the head.

Slowly the lawyer gets to his feet, groaning, but mad as hell and ready to get even. But he sees the farmer sitting back on the tractor and calls out,

"Hey, old man, what about my turn?"

"Ah, that's okay young fellow, you go ahead and take the duck, I don't want it after all."


What's a Time Kill Weekly without a lame joke? Not much, that's what. This week, it’s from our old standby, David Levinthal:

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers, and the CEO thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

He walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "I pay my employees to work, not stand around. Here's a week's pay; now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room at the shocked expression on everyone's face and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."


Here’s this week’s Lame Joke of the Week. This time around, courtesy of Jack Wager.

An elderly man was driving his Buick down the freeway when his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"It’s not just one car," said Herman. "It’s hundreds of them!"


Now, the real reason you signed up for the Time Kill Weekly -- our Lame Joke of the Week. This week, courtesy of Robert Maxwell:

A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings.

"Hi honey, are you at the club?"

"Yes, dear."

"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovanni’s and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."

"How much is it, dear?"

"They're giving it away. Only $5,000. Can you believe it?"

"But you already have fur coats?"

"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"

"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"

"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, but I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold-colored. What do you think?"

"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"

"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"

"How much is it?"

"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!"

"Okay, okay, go ahead and purchase it!"

"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!"

"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"

"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and it would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!"

"How much is it listed at?"

"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"

"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000."

"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!"

"See you tonight dear."

The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who's phone is this?"


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week. This week, we’re getting two for one, courtesy of Time Kill Weekly recipient Steve Parrish.

By the way, do you know a great lame joke? Pass it along to us via http://cartalk.cars.com/Mail/3500.html

A psychiatrist is doing his rounds with a couple of students. They look in on one patient, and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose-stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"

The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple-personality disorder?"

The second student says, "No, surely he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."

Maybe Steve will do better on his second lame joke?

"My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday."

"Bad Minton."

Then again, maybe not. Once more, that Lame Joke e-mail address is: http://cartalk.cars.com/Mail/3500.html Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Jeanne Gibson.

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the theater, followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh; she shares her deepest dreams, and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap...and stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed. Everything had been incredible. "You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No, she replies, "You just happened to catch my eye."


No, we didn't forget. Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Roger from Wisconsin:

A guy goes into a restaurant and lounge, with his shirt open at the collar, and is stopped by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to get in.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a tie and discovers that he just doesn't have a one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation, he ties these around his neck, and manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant. The bouncer suspiciously looks him over for a few moments and then says, "Well, okay, I guess you can come in. Just don't start anything."


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Bill... whose last name we don't know, because he's from where? Cyberspace.

A couple of Tennessee hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"


A Time Kill without a Lame Joke of the Week? Never! This week, thanks to Wes Weber.

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."


Of course, this is still the Time Kill Weekly, so here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of Beth Hamilton:

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearing them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes, sir! Class of '99!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hands, saying, "Class of '58."


Here's the Lame Joke of the Week, this week courtesy of Ken Ries:

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and tells the loan officer that she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls-Royce, which is parked in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out, so the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

As the blonde leaves with the money, the bank's president and officers enjoy a good laugh at someone using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee moves the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it.

Two weeks later the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

As he hands the keys back to the blonde, the loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and the transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked your records and found that you are a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"


Congratulations! You’ve managed to drag yourself through to this week’s Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy this week of Joe Golder (who, we suspect, will be sleeping in the garage tonight).

A little old Irishman gets pulled over by a policeman, who says,

"Sir? Do you realize your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?"

The old fella replied, "Oh, thank Christ. I thought I'd gone deaf!"


Here's this week's Lame Joke of the Week, courtesy of our exceptionally lame pal, Mr. David A. Levinthal:

As a cruise ship passed a small island, a bearded man could be seen shouting and furiously waving his arms.

"Who is that?" a passenger asked the captain.

"I have no idea," the captain replied. "But every time we pass by here he goes nuts."


Here's this week's Lame Joke Of The Week, courtesy of David Levinthal:

A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. She returned to her car to find she had locked her keys inside. She had to get home to her sick daughter and didn't know what to do. She called her home to the baby sitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse.

The sitter said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God for help.

An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But she was desperate and thankful. The man got out of his car and asked if he could help. She said "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car."

He said, "SURE." He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH. You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud, "THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL."


















































































































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